DISCLAIMER!
The following isn't referencing any one particular anime, so I don't even know why I am including a disclaimer. I guess I'm just doing it out of sheer habit at this point. Please support the official release of future disclaimers by liking, subscribing, and giving donations to all the hardworking disclaimers and their families. In times where abridged parody culture is growing, we need these hard-working disclaimers more than ever. Thank you.
The Anime Director
Chapter 3
The Harem Anime MC's Meeting
Anime Director: Whoo boy, I tell you what, that last harem series we produced by tracing over the script of the last one, our ratings are going BONKERS! People just can't get enough of our recycled material! And it's all thanks to you, MC! MC my man! MVPC in duh harem! You know, you save us so much money by playing the exact same role in every single one of these animes. I was worried I'd have to work extra hard finding a NEW male protagonist every single time, but you make life easy.
Bland MC: Yeah, I'm honestly surprised people keep gobbling these up. I mean, I don't really bring much to the show. I'm not particularly attractive, I don't have much in the way of personality, heck, I don't even know how to act! I guess it must be the new cast of cute girls.
Anime Director: Yeah…don't tell the viewers, but we recycle most of them as well, just put on different wigs and makeup.
Bland MC: What?
Anime Director: SO ANYWAY! We've got a "new" series we're pumping out *pulls out the script of the last harem anime, scribbles out the title, and writes down a new one* and we're going to be casting you as the main love interest for all these girls.
*Shows MC a photo of the various female leads*
MC: *Stares at the lineup of beautiful women while sweating profusely* Uhm…oh wow…uh…
Anime Director: We plan on packing in the fanservice in this one, so you can expect to be involved in all kinds of crazy hijinks with these chicks. We've got a swimsuit scene, a bath scene, a wet tracksuit scene, an exercise scene, an "oops I accidentally spilled ice-cream on my shirt and I need somebody to lick it off" scene, a "can you please hold up the ladder, MC, while I bend over and expose my panties" scene…
MC: Grrrr…*gulp*…errrrrr!
Anime Director: We were also planning on a scene were all the girls "accidentally" have their naked bodies covered in chocolate and sprinkles, but our people in finance said melted chocolate was too expensive, so I told them to just replace it with massage oil. Anyway, the important thing is to just tease the audience and not actually have ANYTHING happen between you and ANY of these hot girls.
MC: errrrrrrr! ERRRRRR!
Anime Director: That includes no hugging, kissing, confessions, serious dating, or marriage…unless it's that one whiney tsundere who none of the audience actually likes. Specifically, the one who's only defining character traits are "flat as a brick and sensitive about it" and "violently kicks you in the groin for no reason." I'm thinking we drag this out for about eight seasons. No, maybe ten. I'm sure you'll be able to handle all the unresolved romantic tension for that long. Right? MC? MC? MC-dawg? You hearing me? I SAID YOU CAN'T ACTUALLY GET SOME WITH ANY OF THE GIRLS YOU LIKE!
MC: GRAAW, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! How long am I going to subject myself to this exercise in complete masochism!?
Anime Director: Oh yeah! That reminds me, so one of the girls in your next harem is, shall we say, FUHREAKAY, so there are gonna be a lot of really kinky scenes involving her, naturally we need your character to have NO REACTION to any of it.
MC: And I'm supposed to choose absolutely none of them…after eight seasons? Like last time?
Anime Director: You my man will be the platonic master! You can't push this MC into the End Zone because he's stuck in the FRIEND ZONE!
MC: But I don't want to be stuck in the friend zone! Do you have ANY idea what I've endured throughout my career!? Every year, at least three times a year, I am SURROUNDED by a horde of girls who are either extremely sweet and cute waifus who I can't help but falling for or slutty heart-eyed temptresses who exist solely to crawl inside my pants! Do you have any idea what I have to go through to PRETEND like I'm either not interested or just plain stupid!? I'm a perpetual teenage-to-college age boy! It's not natural for me to ignore all my cravings! But the second I work up the courage to try and talk with one of them, YOU run interference and get in the way of any real romance happening!
Anime Director: Oh come on, champ, I don't ALWAYS forbid romance! Remember the tsundere?
MC: Yeah! I remember! My…undercarriage…is not likely to forget the feel of her kicks anytime soon! AND THAT'S THE OTHER THING! For once, during the rare moments when I actually CHOOSE someone in my harem, I'd like to go for the person who is actually sweet and kind! Is that too much to ask!? I know I'd like to hook up with the childhood friend at some point, AT LEAST ONCE!
Anime Director: Woah! Woah! Woah! No can do, chief! I've polled around my office at least one time, and the results are in. Childhood friends suck and make no sense as romantic partners. Abusive immature tsundere bullies are beloved by ALL!
MC: Not by me they aren't! First off, most of them aren't even that attractive. Sorry, but it's true. Second, even the ones who are pretty usually have their good looks DROWNED underneath all that whiney crybaby immaturity AND THE LITERAL PHYSICAL ABUSE!
Anime Director: Violent abuse is funny! The audience loves it! I know I was rotflmao when that one chick split open your skull with that spiked club for accidentally glancing in her direction when she was willingly wearing that sexy swimsuit in public where everyone else could see.
MC: *angrily rubs head* Thanks for reminding me…I still don't know how I'm even alive. Anyway, my point is, I'm not doing this anymore! Just once…I'd like a normal romantic life. I'd like to be the one pursuing my love interests, not wait around for a choice that will never come while perpetually being teased. I don't care if I'm not surrounded by a horde of hot girls anymore, just so long as I actually find that ONE girl I can be happy with! So, thanks for giving me the job, I can tell you it was one heck of an experience, but I'm officially retiring today. Go find some other bland guy willing to torture himself.
Anime Director: Oh boy, we've got a code red. Uhm, LISTEN! You know what, MC, I think I get your point! But don't quit just yet! I think I'd be willing to negotiate with you.
MC: Negotiate with me?
Anime Director: Uh…yeah…SEBASTIAN!
*The Anime Director's butler enters, wheeling over a large TV on a stand*
Anime Director: *Turns on the TV* I am willing to completely rewrite your contract, MC. I just need you to…stare into the swirling image on the television for a moment.
MC: Stare into the whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…*Eyes transform into hypnosis swirls*
Anime Director: Now repeat after me. I am a dense harem protagonist.
MC: I am a dense harem protagonist…
Anime Director: I am incapable of picking up on romantic cues from pretty girls.
MC: I am incapable of picking up on romantic cues from pretty girls…
Anime Director: And sometimes pretty boys too.
MC: I don't lean that way, but yeah…
Anime Director: I am allergic to sex and will avoid intimacy with anyone in my harem at all costs.
MC: I do not get aroused by the feminine figure and actually feel disgusted when they strip down to their underwear because I only came to their house to study…
Anime Director: All the girls in my harem are close friends…I like them as JUST FRIENDS!
MC: I respond to sincere love confessions the same way I respond to my mom when she says that she loves me…with complete indifference…
Anime Director: Tsundere's good…childhood friends bleck.
MC: I like getting punched in the face and hate sincere care and affection…
Anime Director: Harem animes are all groundbreaking works of genius, and I will support them with my hard-earned cash by buying figurines of all the female cast.
MC: I enjoy anime for the plot…
Anime Director: When I snap my fingers, you will forget our conversation. You will go back to work as a harem protagonist and you will love every episode of it. *Snaps fingers*
MC: Huh, what happened? Hey! Is this a new anime coming out this year? Boy, I can't wait to be part of the main cast! Wish me luck in my new role! *Leaves to get ready*
Anime Director: Crisis averted! Anime Director, you've done it again!
Ending A/N: Well, that's the third chapter, and I said at this point I might take requests for specific animes or anime tropes you'd like "The Anime Director" to address. Remember that I have full discretion over what chapters I choose to do, but that being said, feel free to send over your suggestions. Now let us respond to your reviews.
PinkRose2006: Good luck banishing THIS from your mind. Anyway, you should know by now that I am a pure individual who only thinks pure thoughts. I watch anime purely for the plot and I wish only to share my love of anime plot with others. So enjoy the plot. Enjoy ALL the plot!
Doom King of Latveria: Nope! It's all my own original work! I'm a complete genius, not some rube who steals material from other truly funny guys! Yep! That's me! Donjusticia: Lord and Master of Originality!
And whoo boy, the things I would do if I knew the smallest thing about editing and animating YouTube videos. Sadly, I have no such talent, so I settle with that which I can do. May the digital print medium be just as enjoyable!
EpsilonTarantula: Your threats don't frighten me, Epsilon! DO YOUR WORST!
To Broach or to Put Up: Thanks! I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well.
Thank you all for your continued support. Your time and reviews are really appreciated. Your money would also be appreciated, though it isn't necessary. But still. It might be nice.
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