Note: This chapter is set in the same universe as Ordinary Heroes. No hamsters or chocobos were hurt in the writing of this chapter.

X X X

New Pet On The Block

"Chirpy!" Diana cried.

Chirpy looked up and did his best impression of a grin, although that wasn't saying very much since chocobos were not, by and large, very good at grinning. It had something to do with the lack of lips.

Diana was one of his favourite people in the world – and his favourite under four feet tall. Each visit meant hugs, treats enough good cheer to last him at least three lifetimes. It was just a shame that Averia didn't seem to be with her this time. The other girl could be a little dour at times, but Chirpy had spent a lot of his time as a chick around Lightning so he didn't mind. It was also hard to be intimidated by her scowl when he was bigger than her.

"Kweh!"

Diana bounded over to the chocobo pen, leaving Lightning behind to talk with Sazh, and Chirpy hustled over to meet her. The other chocobos were content to keep their distance – they'd learned the hard way that Diana liked to hug everything and that trying to shrug her off was a good way to get a gun blade pointed at them.

However, there was something different about Diana. This time, she'd come carrying a small, furry little thing in her arms. It looked kind of like a big rat.

Wait. That wasn't a rat.

That thing was Mr Cuddles.

Diana had mentioned him the last few times she'd visited. The girl had gushed about how cute and cuddly the hamster was and how awesome it was that she got to bring him home sometimes. Chirpy scowled as best he could. He never got to go home with Diana, and although he had fine gold feathers and could run like the wind, he wasn't cute and cuddly anymore.

This was supposed to be his time with Diana, but seeing her clutch the hamster to her chest with a sunny smile on her face, he realised something horrible.

Mr Cuddles wasn't any old pet. He was the new pet on the block. He was the competition.

The chocobo's eyes narrowed. It wasn't like he kept track or anything, but he was very proud of his #2 ranking on Diana's list of all things that weren't human. Bahamut – Fang's Eidolon – had stood atop the rankings for as long as he could remember, but that didn't bother him. After all, Bahamut was a big metal dragon that could fly. His #2 ranking put him ahead of Gary the Gorgonopsid (#3 for the past twelve months) and Odin (demoted to #4 to make way for Gary).

But Mr Cuddles was something else. He could accept losing to a dragon, but he absolutely refused to lose to a hamster even if the hamster was one of the cutest things he'd ever seen. Damn it, if he thought Mr Cuddles was cute then Diana had no hope of resisting the little rodent's charms.

"Look who I brought to see you, Chirpy!" Diana held Mr Cuddles out so he could get a better look. "It's Mr Cuddles!"

Chirpy took a few steps forward then bent down to sniff the smaller animal. The hamster shivered and tried to get away, scampering up Diana's arm and burrowing against her chest. Trembling, Mr Cuddles made a few frightened noises before turning his big, dark eyes on Chirpy.

At that moment, Chirpy felt like the worst chocobo in the world. He'd been so worried about being replaced in Diana's affections that he hadn't even considered how things might be for Mr Cuddles. The hamster was only a little guy, and now that he thought about it, it must be scary for him to be outside. Honestly, Mr Cuddles wasn't even that fast, and he didn't have the claws or teeth to fight off predators. He wasn't a threat, just a pet trying to get by.

Gently, he nudged Mr Cuddles with his beak and offered a comforting kweh.

"See, I knew you two would be friends!"

Chirpy didn't speak hamster (although he prided himself on his ability to understand human and Eidolon), so he did his best to sound as non-threatening as possible. Holding Mr Cuddles out to Chirpy again, Diana turned and shouted to Lightning.

"Look, mom! Look! They're friends! I told you they'd be friends!"

And that was when Mr Cuddles made his move. With all the speed of a viper, the hamster darted forward and poked Chirpy in the eye with his paw. Chirpy squawked and staggered back, one wing coming up to brush at his eye. That little rat! Mr Cuddles had poked him right in the eye. He was going to get him for that – peck him right between the eyes! Chirpy lunged only to stop dead in his tracks when Diana turned back around.

"No, Chirpy!" Diana wrapped her arms around Mr Cuddles. "Leave Mr Cuddles alone!" She scowled. "You're supposed to be friends. Don't pick on him when I'm not looking."

Chirpy tried to tell her what had happened, using his wing to point at first his eye then Mr Cuddles. "Kweh kweh kweh… KWEH!"

"That's silly. Mr Cuddles wouldn't poke you in the eye. It was probably an accident." Diana stroked the hamster's fur. "See? He's too cute to hurt anyone."

Chirpy glared but backed away. Maybe it had been an accident. But then Diana turned around again and…

Mr Cuddles was grinning at him. The little hamster was grinning at him. The fluffy rat had done it on purpose.

Oh that was it. Cute or not, Chirpy wasn't about to go down without a fight. Yes, he'd get Lightning and Sazh to take Diana inside for some afternoon tea. He could stay outside with Mr Cuddles and get to know him better. At least, that's what they would think.

"Kweh kweh… kweh… kweh…." Chirpy hissed the words out at Mr Cuddles. (Translation: "You're dead, rat.")

The hamster just smiled back and gave a few squeaks. (Translation: "Bring it, you overgrown chicken.")

Game on.

And somewhere far away Bahamut smiled. Everything was going to plan.

X X X

Author's Notes

As always, I neither own Final Fantasy, nor am I making any money off of this.

This is the very opposite of serious. Mr Cuddles (Diana's class pet from Ordinary Heroes) is the sweetest, cutest little thing in the story. But what if he wasn't? What if he was actually a miniature Machiavelli plotting to steal Diana's affections away? Well, this story is my attempt to answer that. After all, Chirpy's seen a lot in his life, and an evil hamster wouldn't even crack the top ten. Bahamut, of course, is there in the background, pulling both of their strings to ensure that his status as Diana's #1 favourite non-human remains unchallenged (while Odin quietly sobs into his cereal about being #4 – he's losing to Gary, an imaginary, bright orange gorgonopsid…).

Also, if you're interested to know what I would ship if I didn't ship FLight, you can find the answer to that question on my blog (link in my profile). The answer may (or may not) surprise you.

As always, I appreciate feedback. Reviews and comments are welcome.