Let Them Be Better, a gilmore girls fanfic

August Auction | Day 18, Auction 4 | [dialogue] "I regret so much. Not you."
IPC #690 | [quote] "How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become?" - Doc Luben
365 #304 | Table

August Fortnightly | Back to School Shopping | Books | One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi | [restriction] 1000 words or less

WC: 955

o . o . o

Let Them Be Better

How do we forgive ourselves
for all the things we did not become?
- Doc Luben

"Hey Mom," Rory began, biting her lip nervously as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "Can I ask you something?"

"Always, kid, what's up?" Lorelai replied, still puttering around the kitchen and finding junk food to heat up. Luke would be horrified, but that's what he gets for going on a camping trip and leaving them behind.

"Did...do you regret having a kid with Dad?" Rory asked, anxiety twisting her expression as Loreli put down the box of pizza rolls and turned around.

"Why would you ask that?" she said at first, giving her daughter a curious expression. When Rory didn't answer, Lorelai sighed and took a seat with her at the kitchen table. "There's a lot of stupid stuff I've done in my life. I regret so much. Not you. Never you, okay? Never, not once."

"I know that," Rory answered, a small smile gracing her features as she tried to work out how to make her question clearer. "I meant, do you wish that Dad hadn't been my dad? That it had been someone else who, you know…"

"Oh," Lorelai said, her expression serious as she mulled over her answer. "Sometimes I did, when he wasn't around or we were fighting or when you exhibited a particularly Christopher-like trait. But I think I've settled on 'no'. You wouldn't be you if anyone else had been your dad, biologically speaking and life experience. And I don't know if you know this, but I'm pretty enamored with you just the way you are."

"Thanks."

Her words didn't really make Rory feel any better. Maybe they gave her hope that one day she wouldn't feel the way she did, but right now… she just felt overwhelmed with guilt and regret.

"What's going on, kid?" Lorelai pressed, seeing the turmoil that was rolling around in her daughter's mind.

"I'm pregnant," Rory said, biting the bullet, ripping the bandaid off. Despite popular wisdom, it wasn't any less difficult, and she certainly didn't feel better. Not to mention she felt a bit let down by the words. She was a writer after all, shouldn't such a momentous occasion be marked by something more...eloquent?

"Congratulations, kid!" Lorelai replied, her enthusiasm earning her Rory's best withering stare. "I'm serious! I know it's scary and it's not what you planned, and there's gonna be plenty of judgemental people out there. You deserve to know that at least one person is happy for you, because I promise this is going to turn out to be a good thing."

"It's not what I planned," Rory whispered, feeling beaten down despite her mother's support.

"Look, between Sookie, Lane, and me, you should know by now that whether or not you plan to have a baby, the reality is never what you plan it to be."

Rory was quiet, absorbing her mother's words. She could recognize the wisdom in them, even if she was still finding it hard to let go and let her life spin off to a different path.

"It's Logan's, right?" Lorelai asked, her eyes narrowing slightly as she tried to read her daughter's thoughts.

Rory nodded, guilt and shame washing over her.

"That's why the questions about your dad."

It was a statement, not a question, but Rory nodded anyway.

"I thought I had things under control," she said, trying to be as honest as possible. "I knew that things were messed up, but I told myself it was okay. I had time still to figure things out, there was no rush. And why even bother trying to figure out a serious relationship when my career was still up in the air? But now I just wish… I wish I'd figured things out sooner, because I don't want to be doing this with him. I don't want to ruin his life with Odette and I don't want him to be constantly in my life, and I don't want him to be my partner in all of this."

"What you want takes a back seat now, kid," Lorelai answered with a wry smile. "What's best for that little bean comes first, always."

"I know, and it's not that it's more like… Logan's the wrong person," Rory answered. "And I didn't realize that before or I didn't want to see that, but now I do and it's too late."

Lorelai was quiet for a minute as she contemplated her daughter's words. She had a feeling that she knew what this was about - or rather who - but she didn't want to ask. If she didn't ask, it might not be true. 46 and still in denial. Some things don't change.

"Look," she sighed, putting aside her scruples in order to give some good advice, "take it from me, if you think someone is the right person, don't waste any more time not being with them. Just take a deep breath, and go tell them how you feel. If you don't say anything, the only thing you're going to lose is time."

"So I should just walk up to him and say hey I'm in love with you and oh by the way I'm having another guy's baby?" Rory answered with a skeptical expression.

"Well maybe don't drop it on him like Wile. E. Coyote, but yeah."

"What if he doesn't want to be a part of this?" Rory asked, waving her hand vaguely over her torso.

"I have a feeling he'll come around," Lorelai assured her, reaching out to pat her daughter's hand. In truth, Lorelai wasn't as confident as she said, but that wouldn't help Rory right now. Sometimes white lies were needed.

"Thanks, Mom," Rory replied, getting up and hugging her mom from behind. "I'll think about it."