Lily tried her hardest to not think about the sorting ceremony much after that fateful day. She was placed in Gryffindor, exactly where she wanted, but did that mean she actually belonged? She didn't want to think too hard on it but that was hard when she heard Ravenclaw jokes every single time an exam came back with an O. Emma and Marlene, who she thanked the sorting hat everyday for placing her with, callously made the jokes of how much of a Ravenclaw she was. They had no idea that every single time they made the jibe she instantly felt insecure and out of place. Looking to her, laughing, as she hid a grimace and pretended to laugh along with them when inside all along she was having an identity crisis.
It was hard enough being muggle born, where she was too witch for the muggle world, and too muggle for the wizard world. But now, she was also too Ravenclaw to be a Gryffindor, and too insecure to feel different.
She was brave. She always stood up for herself and those younger when she saw them being picked on, regardless of how outnumbered or outwanded she was. She wanted to fight Voldemort and to stand up for herself and those around her. She wanted to be brave and courageous. She valued those characteristics, those were the hero traits. Those were the kinds of people who actually make a difference in the world, especially during a war. That was the person she wanted to be. Yet still, every defense practical she had to shirk her basic instinct that was telling her to run in the other direction and find some logical way to get around the situation. Potions class, where there was logic and direction and skill, she excelled. Defense, where it was instinct and action, she felt mediocre. Fine, her test scores were good, but the actual action and fight or flight, she felt lost. She hid it the best she could, asking herself "What would Godric do?" almost every time she felt like she was leaning towards a Rowena answer.
At some point in her school career, somewhere around the end of sixth year, without even noticing, the question shifted and became "What would James Potter do?". She didn't even realize that it had changed at first, but she found herself looking to him as an example. Despite her past issues with the boy, nobody could deny that he was the very essence of Godric Gryffindor. The boy was an impulsive, little shite a lot of the time. But he was also brave, strong, and courageous. He stood up for those around him, went out of his way to protect the little third years. He acted like an older brother for most of the students. He was a true Gryffindor.
She found herself watching him a lot more without realizing it, watching him tutor a second year in the library when she was supposed to be studying for a Transfiguration Exam. Watching him study in the common room late at night, his shoulders hunched over and his eyebrows furrowed together in that little scrunched way they did when he focused.
Her friends had all left to go to bed a few minutes ago, and yet Lily still sat in her armchair on the far end of the common room. It was slowly emptying out, James sitting alone in front of the fire, waving his friends off as they one by one disappeared up the steps. She couldn't say how long she sat there just watching him, her own work sitting forgotten in front of her. After twenty minutes of sitting there, logically thinking, she asked herself again, "What would James Potter do?" and decided then and there to just get up and ask him. She rushed over before she could lose her nerve and practically shouted at him "How do you be a proper Gryffindor?"
He nearly jumped out of his skin when she spoke, and whipped around to look at her incredulously as if she had lost her mind. Maybe she had. She repeated the question, slower, and quieter, this time.
"What do you mean proper? There isn't a right or wrong way to be a Gryffinndor, Lily, you just are." He spoke cautiously, as if any second she was going to jump back at him.
"How am I supposed to rush into danger and do the brave thing when my instincts are all screaming at me to run back and hide?" She was basically whispering now, coming around the couch to sit next to him. Picking at her fingernails instead of making eye contact. "How do you just do it without thinking?"
"Lily," he bent down to catch her eye, "it's not supposed to be an all brawn no brain thing. Thinking is normal. If you just run into any situation without thinking even a half second about it, I mean that's how people get killed! Wanting to run and hide, is normal. Hell if I don't want to run screaming every single time I get spooked. But when it really counts, you'll do what you have to do." He said it so confidently, like he knew exactly what she felt.
"You're wrong. If I'm supposed to think and listen to my instincts then I'll never fight. I'll be somewhere hiding under a desk while you lot save the day," she spit the words out bitterly.
"No Lil, you're not listening." Lil. He had never called her that before. "Of course your instincts are telling you to run. That's what instincts are, its survival guide. You have to listen to your gut, not your instincts. Listen to your gut and feel what you have to do. Think about the course of action, of course, but guide yourself by your gut," she was locked in on him now, his eyes smoldering her as she leaned closer to not miss a word. "Your gut isn't guided by survival like your instincts, it's guided by passion. Instantaneous necessity. That's what makes a Gryffindor. Having that passion and drive and determination to do what needs to be done. Go with how you feel, not by what you're thinking. If you feel passionate about something, your gut will tell you what you need to do. You just need to be listening! I mean, I don't know how many times I've wanted to just run crying home when it-"
She swallowed the rest of his words with her mouth on his. She didn't even realize when her hand had suddenly wrapped around the nape of his neck, dragging him down to her and guiding her back up. He made some sound of surprise and she started to think and tried to pull back, when he suddenly responded, placing a hand on her cheek and the other on her back, pulling her in, tight to him. She stayed there, hungrily kissing each other with warmth and passion.
The need for air caused her to separate probably only a half minute later, but it felt like she could have stayed there for the rest of her life. She didn't go far, just a half inch away, couldn't with his arms wrapped so tightly on her. His eyes opened as she pulled back, dark, heated, completely surprised.
"Huh, I guess my gut does speak to me" Lily laughed the words quietly.
He looked bewildered for a moment before she reached back around him, pulling him back down, hushing all his thoughts again, and again.