When the Weight's Too Much To Bear, a starsky and hutch fanfic

When the Weight's Too Much To Bear (Who'll be there?)

The phone was ringing as Starsky walked through the door. He wasn't sure he was in the mood to talk to anybody this evening. It was all still too raw. He'd been exonerated by the Coroner's Inquest today but he couldn't exonerate himself that easily.

The phone kept on ringing. Whoever it was, wasn't giving up. He sighed and picked up the handset.

"Yeah."

"Davey? It's Ma."

"Ma, what's happened? Everything all right?"

"Darling boy, that's why I'm ringing you – to find out how you are. I saw the verdict on the news…You must be relieved?"

"I guess." Starsky knew his tone sounded deflated.

There was slight pause before his mother said gently, "You did what you had to do…I know it's awful…but I'm relieved that you weren't injured or worse. You're my precious boy, I couldn't stand to lose you."

Starsky fought back tears. "Thanks, Ma…It's just…someone else's precious boy isn't here anymore and I'm the reason. Ya know. It's just hard to move on…I can feel it weighing on me."

His mother's voice took on an edge of worry. "Who've you talked to about it?...Is Hutch there with you?"

"Nah, I'm all right really…Just need some space. I told Hutch to go home and get some rest. He's supported me enough already. He got me through today."

"Honey…Try not to dwell on it…and if you feel down…go talk to Hutch."

"Yeah, Ma, all right…but I'm okay," he tried to reassure her. "Don't worry. Good night's sleep – I'll be fine. Speak to you on Friday as usual."

"All right…but ring me if you want to talk some more. Love you."

"Love ya, Ma. Bye."

Starsky put the phone down and went to get a beer from the fridge. He looked out of the kitchen window.

"Some police officers go their whole careers and only have to use their weapons once or twice. They're the lucky ones," he thought. "My beat's in the inner city so I accept there's gonna be a lot of violent crimes…but maybe we come across more than our fair share. That's why me and Hutch goof around a lot, I guess – because most of the time we're on high alert. We're always waiting for the next crazy posing a threat, and watching each other's backs for danger. It's tiring. I'm so tired. And when the bad thing happens, we do what we've been taught to do - we react to each situation in the recommended fashion. It's automatic now."

Starsky took a swig of beer and headed through to the living room. "You did what you had to do, Ma said, and she's right. I know that. But I killed a kid, Ma. He was only sixteen. What was it Hutch said when I mentioned the kid's age? 'He was also an armed felon who was about to blow your head off.'…Like that fact should make me feel better…I suppose it should but it doesn't. I'd probably say those very words to him if our roles were reversed but it doesn't help. Fact is, I killed a kid."

Suddenly, the apartment seemed too small, closing in on him, pushing him down. He put his beer bottle on the table and grabbed his keys. He needed to get out, walk off the burden hanging round his neck or he'd never get to sleep tonight. He ignored the phone that started ringing again, as he opened his front door to leave, and drove to the beach. He parked and made his way across the sand down to the water's edge. The moon was just appearing from behind some clouds and Starsky watched as the water began to sparkle where its light fell.

He sighed and started walking along the edge of the shore with weary steps. He really wanted to go home to bed but there were too many thoughts running around his head. He replayed all of the witness statements at the Inquest. Through it all, he could hear the distressed gasps and quiet crying coming from Mrs Craig. His eyes filled with tears.

"Yeah, I usually sleep pretty good…but not tonight. I don't know if I will ever sleep properly again 'cause I killed her kid and I don't know how to help her pain go away. I've injured her as much as I've hurt her boy."

Starsky paused as he heard footsteps jogging on the sand behind him. Somehow he knew who it would be. He turned around and started walking back towards his partner.

"Hey."

Hutch fell in by his side and they walked back along the beach together in silence.

After a minute, Starsky asked, "How'd ya know I was here?"

"Your Mom rang. She was worried. Then I tried ringing you and got no answer. I thought you might have come for a walk."

Starsky half-smiled, grateful for his Mom's and his partner's concern for him.

"What can I do, Starsk? Tell me how to help you."

Starsky could hear the deep sympathy in his friend's voice.

"There's something I really need to do, Hutch. Would you help me?"

"Sure. Whatever you need."

"I want to go see Mrs Craig. I think it's the wake tomorrow. Will you come with me?"

Hutch thought about whether it was a good idea or not for his friend to publicly flay himself. Starsky might be putting himself through more hell going to see that family, although they seemed like decent people. But this wasn't about whether it made sense or was a good idea. It was about what Starsky needed.

"You sure that's what you need to do?"

"Yep."

"Then that's what we'll do, partner."

Starsky blinked back tears and tried to smile as he said, "Thanks."

Hutch just put his hand on his shoulder and kept it there as they walked back up the beach towards their cars. Nothing more needed to be said. All the support, strength and love that Starsky needed was transferred through the hand on his shoulder and he knew he'd be able to make it through tomorrow. The weight was starting to lighten - who knew, maybe he might even be able to sleep tonight.