"Dez!" Austin swats his arm, "Stop putting stuff in your nose."
Dez looks away in confusion but the grapes fall out onto the concrete steps rolling down through the metal bars into the arena to land in someones ratchet wig.
They look at each other and snicker.
Pulling his legs to his chest Dez peers over the edge and scrunches his face up, "Why did you bring me up here?"
"I wanted to talk to you about something but... I don't feel I should." He begins to shuffle through a bag of jelly beans popping the yellow ones and rearranging himself in the grass.
Another day was drawing to close.
"Is this about that giant cow you brought in to the studio today?" Asked Dez.
Austin looked at him, hard, confusion spreading through him, "Dez, I didn't bring a cow into the studio tod-"
"Sh." Dez puts his hand over Austin's mouth, "I understand."
The mosquitoes continued to land and bite them on their arms and legs as tens of tens of red welts began rising up here there and everywhere. Janet Jackson makes another ten points for grifindor. Blake Lively and Ashton Kutcher step in for half time to warn against evil schools of witch craft and wizardry who steal children and turn them evil but also make muggle technology from the torture of the innocent.
Very moving performance from them both. Austins face is covered in red and blue tears that swim to pool in drips of purple.
Then, because they're disney characters, Dez states the obvious, "I can't believe we've been accepted to Hogwarts."
"I can't believe that my parents mattress store got burned to the ground and they both got shot by a bald white guy who screamed; 'Black Lives Matter' and I got Covid-19 and during my two week quarantine developed wizard powers and Ally thinks it's all a mental disorder created by the trauma." Austin sighs.
"Yeah." Trish plops between them, "Life is weird."
"Trish? What are you doing here?" Asks Dez.
Her hands go up in the air and her face remains expressionless, "Guess who got a job as the care of magical creatures professor's assistant."
Three unlikely Heroes. A school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. A rival school who's kiddnapping children. And Blake Lively is now Married to Ashton kutcher and they write, direct, and star in heart-stopping, tear jerking, Broadway musicals advocating against the abduction of tiny humans. When the fall of 2020 begins, their new lives, finally unmasked, take on an ethereal serene world.
A hippogrif flies up above and upon it's back rests a young boy, the adopted child of Shemus Finnigan and Luna Lovegood, Ravenclaw brown locks that fall to hide his face all except one bright purple eye locked on the three American's from down below. 'They wont survive the week.' She thinks, and when her eyes land on a group of other Ravenclaws walking in the direction of Austin Moon and his friends, Fabian Rutter flies away.
No need to get involved when the house captain's already there. He doesn't like to make her angry.
Mara Jafray and her posse approach the edge of the arena out by the treeline of the unforbidden forest.
"Forgive me." She says with the crack of lightning from the oncoming storm.
They turn to look at her, then rise.
"I had to come see you in person. Rather get it out of the way then be alerted by passing one of you in the corridors." Mara's brow scrunches up, "I was told there was only two. Boys to be exact. Are you lost sweetie? You know the Americans aren't safe."
Trish charges and the boys snatch her by her arms to keep her at bay, "Honetee buntee I will not hesitate to knock those buck teeth back into you stomach."
The rain begins to pour.
Mara leans in close to her face, "I don't speak hatter."
Trish screams and thrashes against Austin and Dez's grips, "OOOOHH GUESS WHO'S GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!"
Just then Hagrid arrives, "Young Delerosa, is there a problem with the students?" he asks as his burly feet stomp into the ground shaking the earth beneath him with a rumble.
She straightens up, "I work here Chika." She says with poise and turns to look at her friends, "I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow."
Off with the human/giant hybrid she goes.
"Your friend is a little wild." Says a boy beside Mara.
Mara raises a hand, "Out of her element. We must give her the reprieve. Besides, she works for hagrid, all staff require a sentiment of respect. I insulted her I'll make a mental note to apologize later." Her attention returns to Austin and Dez As for you two... frat boys... It pains me that I'll have to see your faces at the sorting ceremony tonight when the first years arrive. How fitting. Walnut brain seventeen year olds being sorted with first years. Tragic yes, but fitting."
She sighs and they all follow her away in a gloom of black and purple.
Austin places a hand on Dez's forearm. The wind rushes through his blonde locks and the moon reappears from behind a storm cloud, "That was unsettling."
Dez shrugs and wipes the wet hair out of his face and places his hand on Austin's shoulder as the clouds hover back into place, "I don't know what that word means."
We pan through the crowded grounds of Hogwarts as students from last year and years previous reconnect after the conspiracy filled year of the 2020 WhatTheFuckShit Saga. The music is bumpin. The teens are humpin. The night is young.
Pillars of grey stone covered in green moss. A gleaming fountain center piece. George weasly DJs behind a concrete waist high platform, his fizzy woblers have mouths glowing with bioluminescent lights, his fluster busters blast off to explode in the night sky. This is Hogwarts. This is the class of 2021 and those below them leading in future generations to lives of destiny and triumph. This is not a place for two flordian teenage boys who have never known a party that consisted of anything more than hazing and confusing sexual situations.
A kid in a purple ravenclaw house hoodie with a blunt between his lips and a pair of dazzling blood shot brown eyes walks through the crowd as the steady synthwaves and neon lights swim around him and locks eyes with Austin Moon for a moment before slipping into the crowd and fogs that come with rain. Thunder rumbles. Lightning cracks and that's when they attack.
Giant, flying leaches.
"Ahhhh!" Screams a young Griffindor girl, "Run!"
Austin turns to see that one of these enormous monsters has landed on his best friends head and his eyes widen.
"What are you staring at?" Asks Dez. Then his eyes move to the side as slime and blood ooze down his face. "oh... my... god. AHHHHH!" and he runs away.
"Dez!" Cries Austin, "Wait! Stop, I have an idea."
Dez trembles as spins and looks at Austin with a pained terrified face.
"Dez. Do you remember how they defeated the mutated Zalien weebop butterflies in the seventeenth Zalien moive?" Austin asks steadily.
Dez's eyes wide and he narrows his glare.
"Two, Three, Four." They dance.
Grapevine, clap, spin, jump, squat, hold, rise slowly, thrust right, left, right, right, grapevine. The leachator, in a dizzy fit, falls off of Dez's head and eight tiny holes can be seen behind the matted hair pressing on his face but they don't stop. Wands at they ready they steady themselves back to back and thrust left, right, left, left, grapevine, clap.
The leaches swarm them but find no where to go. In confusion they begin knocking against one another. Infuriated they attack those they collide with and soon their all in a fit up above and George weasly is back on the record spinner. The beat finds their bodies and they go even faster. Several other students rush up to join them. Spin, jump, squat, hold, rise slowy.
A leach latches onto a boy nearby who can't seem to get the moves right and someone that looks exactly like him races up to assist him in the steps. The only difference between the two is the yellow robes on the one who's being attacked and the purple robes on the other. It takes him a minute but he catches on soon enough and is left with the same 8 marks as Dez. The music crescendos and so does the speed. Soon one could not tell rain from sweat. Is this one of the new songs on Lady Gaga's Chromatica album? I think it is.
But I'll keep lookin, I'll keep lookin for wonder land!
By the end of the song the Leachators has all gone astray apart from the collection of slimy brown goop bodies on the floor of the main quad. Cobble stones ooze with green slime. Dez and Austin high five.
Half of the crowd cheers. The other half looks down at them from higher ground in disgust. Head of Griffindor house comes up and pats Austin on the shoulder, "That was Blimey brilliant. You're a shoe in for Griffindor for shore."
Austin laughs but shakes it off as he has no idea what that means and turns to look at a proud Dez. The groups of people begin making their way through the large double doors past a young woman in large glasses who ushers them inside, "Good evening students, I'm Pam Beasily new head of Griffindor, as most of you know Mcgonagall has been promoted to head master. Quickly please quickly. The first years will be here soon."
She looks over each student, as if actually acknowledging their names and houses. She must be, it's her job. Remembering names is how she will get through this term. Otherwise, as an American, these students will eat her alive, "Harper!" She snaps, "We will not allow that kind of behavior." and the girl in question lets go of the tiny underclassmen boy in her clutch.
She stops Dez and Austin from entering, "Hi. Yes. You two. The new ones. I was given specific instructions to guide you to the sorting ceremony." They begin to follow her inside and down a different corridor than the rest of the crowd, "Good news, yes this will be a tad embarrassing for you two being sorted with a class of eleven years old but I can assure you that your courses will be taken with people your age. Believe it or not, you aren't the only Americans who get a chance this year."
The hallway comes to an end where in front of another door stands two girls. Cece Jones and Rocky Blue. They have wide smiles on their faces as they look at the two boys approaching. These four have met before.
"Well well well..." Says Cece.
Austin laughs, "I knew this had something to do with your sketchy agent Rocky. What was in those lemonades?"
Rocky steps forward and eyes him hard, "I saw that stunt you pulled out on the quad. Stick to singing pretty boy. Don't step on my terf."
Dez steps in front of Austin, "Consider this a step."
The four of them laugh and the rest of the first years enter with another professor around Beasly's age. A bunch of terrified, wide eyed faces that look like they've just watched their home planet explode in a ball of unforgiving fire. The chello music starts up and they all turn to face the doors.
The other professor speaks, "I am Professor Jim Halpert." Austin and Dez realize he's not talking to the group of eleven year olds, "I teach astrology and spiritual readings. This here is my wife."
"Yes." She turns to look at the eleven year olds, "Professor Pam Beasly. I teach transfiguration in the place of Professor Mcgonagall this year."
"Did she die?" Asks a random kid.
Someone next to him nudges him, "Shut up."
"No..." Pam smiles, "She's headmaster now."
The double doors swing forward and they are ushered through the center of the room between Griffindor and Hufflepuff.
Austin finds himself searching the crowd for a familiar face even though he's certain he knows no one here when his eyes land on that kid in the purple hoodie. The tables are barren and there's nothing to distract him from the sheer feeling that this boy is looking right back at him and he might be imagining it but that curl in his lips might mean he's smiling at Austin but he looks away at the vast table of teachers ahead of them.
Pam and Jim both mount the stage together on either side of a old dingy hat sitting on a wooden chair.
"When we call your name, approach the chair, put on the hat, and accept the house that's chosen." Says Professor Halpert.
Pam lifts the hat first, "Rocky Blue."
The young girl in question throws her hair and strides up the staircase. She sits and they place the hat on her head.
It comes to life.
"Oh... how smooth. Everything's so organize. Spotless... except for that dark cloud in the back... better be... Raven Claw!" The table stays silent as she rises and makes her way, slowly, across the hall.
A few children rise and the two who had the conversation in the hallway about the headmaster, who glares down at them both when they take their spot beneath the hat are sorted into hufflepuff.
"Cece Jones." Cries Jim.
She tucks a flaming red curl behind her ear and smirks at Austin and Dez, "Here I go." She whispers.
The hat resonates with her, "Oh no... why isn't this tragic. To tear one from a tether. So painful. GRIFINDOR!"
The table remains silent as she struts towards it and looks over at the Raven claw table at Rocky who has chosen to sit next to the boy in the purple hoodie.
"Austin Moon." Says Pam.
He approaches. His palms begin to sweat and he spins to look out at the mass collection of students eyeing him like a pig on a spoke. He sits. The hat finds his head. He waits.
"Ladies and gentleman WHAT do we have here?" Asks the hat, "It's loud in here. More than thoughts. More than words. This is new. This is... quite appetizing actually. I'll try not to get addicted. HUFFLEPUFF!"
The table in question cheers for him.
"Dez Wade." Says Jim.
Austin watches as his best friend approaches the hat. Head wound still bleeding you can see the pain on his face as the hat is placed on his head, "HUFFLEPUFF!" It cries.
When Dez takes his seat and the applause die down the room settles their attention on the panel of teachers.
Professor Mcgonagall stands behind a podium, "Welcome first years to Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry. To the rest of you, welcome back. I'm headmaster Professor Mcgonagall. As you all know there are opposing schools out there now with bad agendas. I ask that each and every one of you look out for these new first years. It's young blood they want and they'll snatch them away first chance they get. I'd like to introduce our new Astrology professor Jim Halpert." The crowd applauds as he stands in his seat only to sit back down, "And taking my place is my young protege, Professor Pam Beasly." Another round of applause, "Now..." Her hands wave and the flags of the four houses fall Blue, Yellow, Green, and Red, "May the feast begin!"
The food, by the gourd, appears on the table.
Austin shoves an entire turkey leg into his mouth. Dez slams his face in a bowl of orange jelly.
"That was really cool, what you did out on the quad." Says a girl across from them. Millie Burgess, 4th year. Collects socks.
Austin smiles but his mouth is too full to speak.
"Word is..." Says a dark skinned boy beside Austin, "A group of Slytherins are planning to haze their freshmen into pranking you. I'd be careful for the next few days." Pindros Myhill, 5th year. An undeniable skill to build bottles in ships.
Trish takes a seat beside Dez, "Guess who gets to sleep in the Hufflepuff quarters because the school staff is afraid that I'll be kidnapped otherwise." She says.
The rest of the house just kind of stares at her.
"Cool. Did Hagrid make you do anything crazy like trimming pumpkin nose hairs?" Asks Dez.
She shakes her head, "No. But I did get to watch an dragon egg hatch. It burned off one of my eye brows."
Only then did they notice that one side was slowly growing back thanks to a growth charm and some cream for madam pomfrey.
She turns to look at Austin, "Guess who's hiding out here to see you?"
A boy, the one who had also been attacked by a leachator, looks over at her in terror, "Lord Voldemort? Has he returned." He begins to tremble his hands shake, "What do we do?" He begins to panic, stands and trips over backwards, his wand back fires and hits him with a charm that rolls his eye balls backwards and flips his ears over. In the pain he starts to scream and his brother rushes over from the ravenclaw table to carry him out of the mess hall glaring down the Americans.
"You'll have to get used to Tucker. He and his brother got dealt a nasty hand in the game of life." Says a young boy from the raven claw table behind them, "The two of them are kind of knit together. Lilac has been kind of bitter since they separated them last year at the sorting ceremony, so be mindful of his panic attacks."
"Corbin." Mara's voice carries down the table, "Let's not associate with other houses okay?"
He sighs and turns back to his group.
Another girl, with mix matched pink and black checkered hair leans over to grab a goblet, "You didn't hear this from me." She whispers, "But rumor has it they play games together." Her brows arch, "If you know what I mean."
"That's fucked up Deena." Says Pindros.
Dez places a hand over his chest, "Hey, if I had a clone, I would be all over him. Self love is very important."
"All I'm saying..." Says Deena.
Austin turns to Trish, "Who's here?"
She just looks at him funny, "Go out to the grounds. You'll find her at Hagrids hut."
He rises, tosses down his napkin, and politely excuses himself. He knows. Without even having to be told. The only person it could be is Ally Dawson.