Chapter 2: The Mysterious Caverns
Did I ever mention that I hate my family? Well, I guess it's similar to how I hate Takari but at the same time she's my best friend. Waking up in the morning was one of the few occasions where I would gladly live without them as they would always wake me up way too early and play jokes on me when I wouldn't get up. I mean come on; not everyone has the Bright Circle shining out of their behind early in the morning! I'm a night swimmer as my grandmother loves to put it; I usually don't go to sleep before the Night Circle is up in the sky and don't rise before the Bright Circle has risen. But my family has no sense of restraint when it comes to my morning sleep. Grumpily, I was eating breakfast that morning after one of my brothers poked me awake with a stick, bothering me with it until I had to get up to chase him off. Takari and I usually took turns visiting each other in the morning and today would be her turn to pick me up. Ah Takari, I still have a score to settle! Quickly, I gobbled down as many treestars as I could while frantically trying to come up with a plan to take revenge for her messing with me the other day. Perhaps I should hide too but actually pretend I'm not around? Or perhaps... Ehehe, that might work! Not only did I plan to hide from that devious girl but I was even planning an assault of sorts. Quickly, I ran to get a tree sweet and climbed a nearby tree with lots of leaves to conceal my presence and just in time. Takari arrived no sooner than I was ready, lying in wait, waiting for the girl to be close enough to drop the tree sweet on her. However, my plan got spoiled before it could be carried out. Takari entered the nesting area of my family, immediately drawing my mother's attention which was my downfall, literally.
"Good morning, is Nishir awake yet?"
"He should be, dear, good morning to you too."
"Then where is he? To be honest..." I saw Takari form a grin. "I think he may be hiding from me..."
It was just then when my mother's glance fell onto me, crouching down on a branch of the tree.
"Nishir, will you please come down here?"
I was so surprised that I accidentally slipped and fell into the bushes underneath. Unscathed, I emerged, rather displeased about the whole situation and the fact that Takari was laughing quite heartily! Darn you Takari!
"What do you wanna do today?" I asked with no enthusiasm whatsoever as I trotted over to her position. The failure to surprise Takari sat deep, lowering my mood quite a bit.
"Oh, I feel like going into the caverns again, wanna come with me?"
I could name hundreds of reasons why I shouldn't come along into the cavern but, then again, Takari sounded like she had already set her mind onto it and once she was fixated on something, there was no stopping her.
"Fine, I guess," I told her quietly.
"Great, come along then!" she beamed and only now I noticed that she was still wearing the flowery crown on her head. "Last one to go in is a scare-dy egg!"
"Yeah yeah..." I muttered as I set into motion, chasing after the girl who had apparently called a race without me noticing once again. Darn it, I'm so going to catch her! Running after her at my best speed, I was eventually able to tackle her about halfway there, just when we were beginning to enter the thicker parts of the jungle on the back side of the valley. Panting, I reprimanded her.
"You're quite as bad as my family, Takari, making me do workout before I'm fully awake!" My reprimand didn't seem to have much of an impact on the girl though.
"I thought your family was your most precious thing?" she pointed out, probably referring to the talk we've had the other day. "Yet you talk about them as if they only upset you."
"Oh, believe me, both you and my family upset me a bunch all the time," I blurted out to make room for my irritation and this time it seemed like Takari's smile was about to be wiped from her due to the accusation. "It's just that life without either of you would be... bad. I love my family, they're great but... annoying. And..." Suddenly, I realized what kind of situation I was maneuvering into and quickly decided to change the topic. "Ah, never mind that!" There's no way I can tell her that I also like her in spite of being so annoying just like my family! I'd rather get eaten by a sharptooth I think. Takari suddenly studied me with a look on her face I had rarely ever seen before. She did so for a few moments before she addressed me with a question.
"Say, Nishir, were you able to figure out who I'd take with me?"
"Uhh, no, not exactly," I replied. Darn her, just reveal it, Takari!
"I see, that's too bad," she said with a broad smile and a faint chuckle. I could only look at her in perplexion. I mean, this was clearly important to her and yet she is fine with me not being able to guess it? Seriously, I never seem to understand Takari...
"Let's keep moving, come on Nishir!" she suggested eventually while beaming and humming. I don't really know what I did but somehow she was being particularly kind to me during the rest of the walk. Soon, she picked up the conversation again.
"By the way, I totally agree with your line of thinking about your family. I mean..." For a brief moment, a hint of melancholy mixed into her cheerful mood. "I know your brothers and sisters are annoying you a lot but you still love them, right?" I instantly nodded, wondering what she was going on about. "I totally wish I had any siblings, you're really lucky, Nishir!" With a brilliant beam, she looked at me, her cute smile irritating me for a moment but, thankfully, she didn't notice I was getting embarrassed again. "Which makes me wonder, Nishir... I also annoy you a lot, don't I?" You totally do, Takari! Resolutely, I cross my arms in front of me which sparked a short-lived giggle. "Say, Nishir, it's a little similar, isn't it? It's almost like with your family too; I annoy you but you still like me, riiiiight?"
I could only awkwardly stare at her as she said that, my mind going a little blank. Was she suggesting that I liked her like I like my family? Wait wait wait WAIT! Is she suggesting... No way I'm not...
"Something wrong? You look funny," she wondered in response to my reaction. I was still trying to determine what her words were implying and telling her the truth was out of question!
"N-nothing, I think I had too much for breakfast," I quickly lied, pretending to have a light stomachache to make it somewhat believable.
"Oh, that's probably my fault then because I made you run so much and running is bad after meals. Sorry about that." Takari was still wearing her cute smile as she said that but still... She is actually apologizing? I didn't think that she'd even know how that works.
"You know, Nishir, sometimes it almost feels like you're family too - you're like a silly little brother to me sometimes, hehehe."
Takari... Family? Siblings? What is that crazy girl thinking?! We're just good friends and have been for as long as we can remember! Geesh, why does she always have to say such weird things?!
"Don't be silly, we can't be family; we're not related," I argued fiercely but it convinced the girl little.
"We could be family," she said rather cryptically but I couldn't make sense of it at all. "Anyway, I think I'm not opposed to the idea; a family with you would be a lot of fun, no doubt, hehehe."
"Yeah, coz' you'd annoy me all the time for your own entertainment! That's the kind of dinosaur you are!" I cried, pointing a finger at her chest.
"Maaaaaybe," she declared rather nonchalantly, poking me once (why you!) before walking ahead, humming happily and hopping around just like a little child. Admittedly, it was a rather peaceful and tranquil scene and I didn't mind it a little bit.
It's moments like this when I truly appreciate our friendship.
For the remainder of the walk, I tried to decipher both her cryptic messages and the guessing game of the previous day but to little avail.
However, if there is one thing that I agree with it's that I'd probably see her as a sister figure myself if I were an only child like her.
Finally we stood in front of the caverns. They were carved into the unforgiving rock that sheltered our home, dark and mysterious. Takari and I had never been able to explore every tunnel and crevice because it literally got too dark to see anything in the deeper parts. With a look of awe on her face, Takari said.
"These caves never fail to get my blood excited, let's go in, Nishir!"
I couldn't quite say the same about myself but of course I couldn't let the girl know that I was always a bit spooked in there so I nodded and marched ahead.
At first there was only one single path with lots of stone teeth hanging from the ceiling. We walked until the first intersection appeared.
"Where'd you wanna go today?" I pondered out loud, prompting Takari to make a decision because I was spooked no matter where we were going. Towards the left, there was a path that didn't go far because the ceiling had caved in with no way to get past. The center and right paths, however, would split into several paths and rooms rather soon.
"I wanna go to the cavern with the lake in it," the girl exclaimed. "Swimming in the dark is so cool!"
Yeah, right. You wouldn't even see if something was sneaking up on you! You're way too reckless, Takari!
"Come on, or are you too scared?" she taunted with a silly giggle. Yeah right, I'm a little spooked in the dark, but you needn't know!
"'Course I'm not, don't be silly!" I retorted, marching ahead with big steps to prove it that I wasn't the least bit scared! The visibility dropped rapidly as we advanced and I caught myself sticking my hands out because I was getting afraid of bumping into a wall I couldn't see. Perhaps because I needed to prove to myself that I wasn't scared, I turned around to face Takari.
"See, I'm not scared! Takari?" I double checked. Takari wasn't behind me. I could swear she'd been behind me all the time.
"Takari?!" Did something happen to her while I was too busy pretending to be braver than I am? "Where are you?" I received no answer whatsoever except for my own echo. It was as quiet as it could be, so quiet that the sound of my own breath suddenly felt disturbingly noisy; so quiet that I could even hear my own heartbeat. Where is she, goddammit!?
"Takariiiiiiii!" I called once again but the sweet voice of my best friend and self-proclaimed honorary sister didn't come echoing back to me. Slowly, I was beginning to worry. What if something had silently snatched her? I suddenly realized that I was all alone in the dark, a thought that was similarly frightening!
"I have to find her!" I said quietly to myself, starting to tiptoe back, looking anxiously around me. Of course I couldn't be sure if something was wrong but I had to check!
"Wait a second..." Takari likes to make fun of me and, in particular, she loves to hide from me without telling. She's done that yesterday as well, didn't she?! She's probably waiting somewhere so she can scare me! Ha! She's so obvious! It seemed really convincing now that I figured it out but, still, I had a funny feeling in my gut. What if something had happened to her after all and I, thinking she is trying to get a scare out of me, would abandon her in the process? I had to be sure that she was fine... because I couldn't forgive myself if something bad happened to her. No matter how much I hated her, she was still precious to me.
I hadn't walked far when a funny sound came from the direction we came from. It kind of sounded as if something was splashing on the floor - like water! But there wasn't any water at my current place; we've been here so many times that I'd know by now. What was going on?! The sound of splashing soon died but the mystery remained tangible and Takari's absence concerning. At this point, I just wanted to hear her voice even if it was mocking me and I just wanted to see her face even if it was gleefully taunting me. I was afraid to be alone.
"Takari, come on, you're probably here, aren't you?!" I called with growing frustration and desperation after not being able to find any clues in this dark cavern for many minutes. Just then, I heard something move behind me. Is it Takari? I turned around but I couldn't see anything, yet something was scrambling across the floor. Now I was seriously spooked.
"Ta... kari?" No answer. Frightened, I slowly walked backwards. What if something had indeed made a snack out of her? Maybe it was still hungry for more and...
Suddenly, there was rapid movement directly behind me and, before I knew it, something was forcefully launching itself onto me from behind, landing on my back and making my legs give in from the additional weight, all the same clinging something around me. Panicking, I screamed at the top of my lungs before a most familiar sound reached my ears.
"Boo!"
It was Takari's voice; it was Takari hugging me from behind. My heart was already beating fast but upon the realization that she was so close to me, it increased even more. She had been hiding from me indeed and now she had pounced on me, successfully scaring the shit out of me. Hearing her voice made me happy and relieved as all pressure fell from me, even her touch didn't feel too bad after worrying so much about her - though it is still super embarrassing! Quickly, I freed myself from her.
"Sorry, did you miss me?" She said that with a lot of wit in her voice. Only now, as my body slowly calmed down, I realized just how much I hated her.
"Argh, Takari, damn you! I was bloody worried about you! And this is exactly why I hate you so much! Urgh!" Even though I yelled at her with a lot of authentic anger, she just laughed hysterically and after a moment of sulking, I couldn't help but forgive her just like I would always do eventually.
"Whatever, just don't do it again..." I eventually grunted.
"I'm actually honestly sorry, Nishir, haha," she said, still not done laughing. "I know, I should have responded to your call but I was curious how you'd react." Suddenly, she recovered from laughing, growing more serious as she carried on. "Actually, I was a little moved when I realized how worried you seemed to be about my wellbeing. I really appreciate it, I do." At that moment, due to the lack of a light source, I could only imagine how adorable her smile might look but I was also a little glad because neither could she tell that my face was very red once again.
"Right... it's what friends do when they get separated," I said quietly because it was already a little embarrassing to admit in front of the girl.
"Though, mostly, you were just scared on your own, weren't you?" Will she ever make up her mind whether to be kind or a bully?! Darn you, Takari!
"Of course, I'd be scared too," she suddenly admitted. Takari was good at everything and didn't have any weaknesses - that's what I always thought of her and it's why I'm always trying so hard to be better than her at something. It wasn't very often that she'd reveal a weak point of her so easily in front of me.
"I'd be scared too; it's why I always drag you with me, Nishir." So Takari has flaws after all, I need to exploit this in the f...
"By the way, I'm only telling you because you said that I should be kind a little more often."
Huh? My blank face probably prompted her to keep talking.
"Fine, I'll tell you one more weakness of mine; it's my apology, okay? I can't sleep when I'm alone. My mother once punished me to sleep away from the nest when I was being naughty and I didn't close an eye all night. It's kinda silly."
Well, I can hardly take advantage of that, can I? Still, what has gotten into you, Takari?
"Gee thanks for the information," I said neutrally. "You didn't hit your head, did you? You're acting funny today..." It was actually a sub-par attempt to tease her but, I think it's a given fact that I suck at it.
Quite unlike you.
"My head is fine, thanks for the concern," she replied with apparent amusement. "It's just... after talking to you the other day, I realized that I should try to be a nice to you a little more often if I want you to like me."
Wait, what?
"The thing is... it's just too much fun to toy with you, I can't help it." Her cheeky grin was bothering and flustering me in equal amounts and I reluctantly decided not to ponder further about the meaning of her first sentence.
"Well, I-I guess that's fine..." I said quietly in response. I think I like that version of her, apologizing and a little more honest, though I couldn't gather the guts to tell her that.
"L-let's get moving again," I eventually suggested though I still hadn't forgotten to ask her why she had gone hiding in the first place. Because, unless I'm terrible at reading between the lines, it doesn't seem like she did it on purpose. Maybe she actually got spooked by something?!
"So... You said you were sorry about hiding," I casually mentioned as we trotted deeper into the cave. "W-were you sorry about hiding or just about not letting me know you were?"
"Sorry about hiding in the first place," she immediately responded with an innocent look.
"Ah, but then why were you hiding? Got spooked by something?" I tried to taunt her but if it even registered as such, she simply ignored it.
"No, it's actually a little embarrassing, haha." The great Takari knows what embarrassment feels like? The heck are you embarrassing me for all the time when you know how much it sucks?!
"Eh?" I raised my eyebrows although I couldn't tell if she could see it in this darkness. Was I about to learn even more weaknesses of this insane girl?
"You see... my tummy was a little angry," she explained evasively. "I think mother is to blame - you know, she always thinks I'm not drinking enough and having too much fun to remember drinking so she wouldn't let me go until I drank half of the lake! I... guess my tummy didn't like so much of it, haha."
I was expecting a lot of ridiculous reasons but this is clearly off the scale!
"Wait, did you... argh too much information, Takari! That's disgusting!"
"Well, I said it's embarrassing, didn't I?" she defended herself with a shy laugh. "Even more reason not to let you know, right?"
To think I even heard her do it... I think I'm getting sick...
"I'll never go into that crevice ever again..." I muttered, prompting yet another laugh in Takari before I quickly began to increase my pace to get away from it as fast as possible. However, I hardly got very far before something unusual happened. Somewhere in the caves, there was a great rumbling sound, as if a portion of the ceiling caved in somewhere.
"What was that? Sounds like an earthshake but I didn't feel anything. Did you?" The fact that Takari also stopped walking to listen intently made me feel better as I was already being quite spooked by the mysterious sounds the caverns made today.
"Yeah, whatever it was, it wasn't an earthshake," I agreed, listening intently to the sounds that seemed to come from somewhere behind us in one of the other two main branches of the cavern.
*growl* *snarl*
"W-w-w-what the heck was that?!" I cried, instinctually clinging onto Takari and not even feeling embarrassed about it as she did the same thing upon hearing these strange sounds echoing through the tunnels.
"Let's hide, just in case," she muttered, clearly frightened herself which made me feel a little better. At least I wasn't hearing things that didn't exist. We slipped into the next crevice we could find. It was barely big enough to fit us both together and, as we hunched down in fright, I already wished for a bigger one since our bodies were touching each other. Though this perhaps wasn't the time to get embarrassed. Somehow, these growls and snarls wafting through the cave made me feel very uncomfortable, foreboding something bad.
"Almost sounds like there is a group of dinosaurs in here," Takari whispered while hiding behind me. "But that would be impossible, wouldn't it? I mean, the grown-ups wouldn't get very far before the ceiling gets too low..."
"This doesn't even sound like something a swimmer could do with their voice," I added darkly. "Do you think there are creepy creatures in here?"
"I don't want to know..." If I hadn't been scared to the bones myself, I would have probably teased her but this truly wasn't an ordinary situation and I felt like danger was indeed lurking in these caverns today...
"I'm so glad this didn't happen while I was relieving myself..."
"Did you have to mention that again?!" I hissed, rolling my eyes but I guess it was just another testimony to the fact that Takari really did get scared in dark lonely places without me around. I should totally exploit it as soon as we're safe again.
After some time, the sounds slowly grew more distant and faraway. I wasn't particularly good at hearing things but I could almost put my finger on it that, whatever creatures we heard, were headed into the valley we called home. Although I simply didn't want to believe that something was living in these cavern so I discarded the thought out of sheer comfortability.
"Hey Takari, I think we're fine for now but, just in case, let's not go deeper today," I eventually proposed and, to my surprise, Takari agreed without a tease coming my way. Incidentally, I also wanted to get some space at last as sitting in a crevice together with Takari was among the most awkward things I could think of! Readily, I got to my feet and started walking back to the entrance of the caverns, the girl following me and being unusually silent. I guess she was just being as frightened as I had been. I almost started jogging soon and couldn't be more happy to see the Bright Circle shine outside after being in this dark place together with something else.
"Oh boy, finally back in the light!" I exclaimed in an almost dramatic way, stretching myself in relief. "Don't you agree, Takari?"
"Yeah, it sure is nice," she replied immediately. "I guess we were both a little scared." If only you could always be like that, Takari… but I bet you're back to your old self all too soon!
"So… what do you want to do instead?" I casually wondered, avoiding direct eye contact as usual.
"Wanna go swimming at the Big Water?" the girl promptly suggested with a smile and I honestly found no error within that suggestion so I quickly nodded.
"Sure, let's go," I said neutrally, walking ahead into the thick jungle. The thought of hideous creatures entering our home to cause mayhem still hadn't completely left me but I tried my best to shake them off and label them as nonsense.
"Say, Nishir," Takari suddenly spoke up. When did ever something good happen when she addressed me like this?! "What kind of creature do you think we've heard?"
It was hard to tell what the girl was up to as her voice neither seemed to carry the timidness of earlier nor the gleeful tint that usually preceded her attempts to ridicule me!
"Oh, it was probably just something stupid our minds made up," I reasoned neutrally. "It was probably nothing, forget about it."
"You're just too scared to think about it, aren't you?" So she was aiming for the tease after all…
"Why, you're just trying to distract from the fact that you were about to lose it yourself!" As always, Takari simply started laughing whenever I tried to fight back, however that laugh was wiped from her face when an ear-piercing scream rang through the air...
Was hoping to get this chapter done a bit sooner to be honest but christmas festivities got in the way.
This chapter delves a little deeper into the relationship between Takari and Nishir and brings things into motion along with some more comedy but now that the characters are sufficiently introduced and a transition prepared, the story is ready to show its true colours whenever the next chapter will go online (hopefully soon). I hope you're enjoying this project so far and, if you're not fond of the slice-of-life comedy, this is the last chapter that focusses on it so your experience should improve from here on :)
Keijo6 chapter 2 . Dec 16
This is an interesting start to this story, certainly. Your handling of the first-person perspective works quite well and it seems to fit this fic quite well. You kept things very strictly in Nishir's perspective, as you should, and considering this is your first fic of this kind, you did rather well in that regard. The plot seems pretty open right now but the two siblings' characters were developed rather well and you built a solid foundation on which to build this story further.
Thank you very much, that is really great to hear! Of course I read a little about how to write that kind of perspective first and yeah I realized while writing the chapter outline that first person would work really well here.
I always like fics where the main character is actually telling his or her own story to others as it creates a more interesting feeling to the story and it allows the reader to sympathize with them more closely. Nishir and Takari certainly don't feel like their old selves anymore and even if gives away that both of them survive the story, it also makes it even easier to appreciate all they've gone through as they go through their past deeds in real time.
My first draft didn't involve that they're telling the story in retrospect but I'm glad that the idea occurred to me eventually as I find more and more ways to utilize it as I continue to work on the story. I'm glad that I was able to convey the change in character between present post-trauma time and the past times they're telling their new siblings about (they'll later be named too).
About the second chapter, it was sufficiently detailed to really introduce us to our protagonists. The contrast between the siblings is quite stark and while it's rather extreme, those differences make it easier to give them distinct personalities. However, that installment already made me heartily dislike Takari as I was more than upset with her even before the midpoint. She seems far more tolerable in the current day, though, so there's hope I can get over her at some point.
You're right, Takari is quite the bully (not out of spite, granted) and I would be quite opposed to becoming friends with someone like her to tell you quite frankly :D I'm glad that you're giving her a chance though because she will undergo severe development starting with chapter 3. I'm sure she'll be less uhm obnoxious from now on :P
That being said, it's good to see you breaking new ground with your tales and this seems like a rather promising story. You certainly can make this an extremely interesting fic and it'll be great to see just what kind of miserable story the siblings have before themselves. But well done with the style and premise thus far!
Thank you very much, I certainly do hope that the story will end up living up to the expectations. I'm certainly encouraged to do my very best now, thank you! :)
Guest chapter 2 .Dec 15
A very promising start to this new story. As you mentioned in your notes, I especially liked the characters and their dynamic since it's something we haven't seen in the series before. All to often when authors make OCs they're heavily based on existing characters but Takari and Nashir feel completely unique. Despite being swimmers they're both clearly different from Ducky and while Ali did tease Littlefoot a bit in 4 the dynamic here is completely different. Good work with making an LBT appropriate version of Rock, Paper, Scissors by the way. While I can't see the gang ever playing it, for obvious reasons, it feels like something that would exist in their world. I look forward to seeing more.
I'm really glad that Takari and Nishir don't feel like generic characters which is honestly one of the worst mistakes a writer can do when writing original characters lol. And yeah lol, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what kind of words they'd be using to describe the hand gestures xD
Thanks as always :)
The Rhombus chapter 1 .Dec 18
This is quite a promising introduction to a new story. Beginning a story by using the character's own storytelling as a hook is a good, time-honored way of giving a reader an idea of what has transpired without giving too much away. In this introductory prologue we now have a feel for the personalities of our two protagonists, an idea of what happens at the conclusion of their tale, and that it has an unhappy beginning. This strikes the right balance between giving too much away and not roping the reader into the story. I look forward to seeing how this story develops from here. :)
Like I told Keijo, that prologue with the 1st person narrator (Nishir) looking back at what happened to him which is ironically what the reader doesn't know yet came up rather spontaneously and I absolutely agree that it's proving to be effective. Thanks :)
The Rhombuschapter 2 .Dec 18
I quite enjoy the banter on display in this chapter as it clearly shows us the personalities of these two characters in a way that the prologue only hinted at. Both of our main characters, Takari and Nashir, are very distinct from other OCs in the fandom and exhibit a rather humorous amount of familiarity and teasing banter between one another. I also must applaud you on coming up with an LBT version of rock, paper, scissors. I can almost imagine fastbiters using this to resolve disputes, but it obviously wouldn't work for longnecks or threehorns. :p I don't really have much more to say about this chapter, except to say that the objective of introducing the two main characters and their personal dynamics was certainly achieved. I look forward to seeing what happened next which interrupted their childhood.
Aww thanks! I'm so glad that it worked out so well! :D And yeah, for once the big four footers would be at a disadvantage in such a game LOL!
Anagnoschapter 2 .Dec 18
I will say that this story is rather interesting thus far, and the first person view in it works relatively well and you have managed to pull it off nicely. While I am not a big fan of first person stories, I am happy to see that you are trying something different for exchange. I have found myself many times trying to find the perfect style precisely for me in the past, and I believe I have found it now. Still, there were certain things that I will bring up that I found to be lacking.
Yeah, I am indeed trying something new and different here, mostly because the setting really encourages that kind of storytelling I think. I concur too... finding one's writing style can take many years as I learned after getting back into Shorty's Dark Past and realizing that my old writing style is rubbish lol (and I'm probably still far away from reaching a quality I can truly be proud of).
The introduction chapter gave us a clear view on the main characters and their relationship with one another. Whatever happened to these two likely only made their bond so much more important and strong, but that remains to be seen. Although, this is where the problems begin the surface. Personally, I would have kept the introduction as part of the first chapter. It still would have worked legitimately in that case, and would have helped to ensure that the overall mood of the story didn't suffer. This is just my personal opinion on the matter.
I like using prologues :D (I think that's what you were trying to say, merge prologue and first chapter?) I agree, it would have worked just as well if I had done that but I guess that's personal preference indeed. :)
While the comedic part was a welcome addition and even entertaining for the most part, it did feel like that very portion overshadowed the drama behind it that would soon come to pass, but it is understandable considering that tension will likely soon follow. I feel like that some of the things that Nishir thought about could have been delivered better had they been done in the manner of, show don't tell, for example. Your example kind of gave the impression that a narrator was telling the story.
It was quite a fickle problem to introduce these two as their characters were designed to have that comedic interaction. I couldn't go without because it's an essential part of their character dynamics but I agree that it shouldn't overshadow the actual tone of the story which seems to be the case now that you haven't seen the dramatic stuff yet but I hope the balance is good once you can view the story in its completed form (and, yes, the 2nd chapter has quite some more of their ridicule) but the tone will change dramatically as soon as the drama kicks in full-force in chapter 3. I'm glad that the comedy was still enjoyable though :)
As for the "show, don't tell" thing, I'd be very happy if you could pin down some examples where that slipped my mind so I can watch out for it in future chapters and make sure to fix it if possible. Thank you :) (Also, Nishir is the narrator so I kind of have to force him to explain a few things that dialogue and character interaction cannot convey. Also, a whole story full of inner monologue also isn't that enticing I think :D
Takari is not exactly an easy character to get along with from the initial impression, so I completely understand and even sympathize with Nishir. This was a very great way to show how their relationship developed over time and it gives more detail to their characterization compared to the introduction portion and you did this one perfectly.
Yes indeed, Takari is quite the bully/prankster and not what you'd call a good friend to rely on and yet they're best friends. It's quite fascinating that Nishir puts up with her all this time. I guess he must really like her haha. It'll be interesting to see how their character traits change as their life takes a tragic turn and I think part of it is hinted at in the prologue. Thanks :)
So far, the plot seems to be very interesting and your style definitely makes it work a bit better in the grand scale of things. I hope I wasn't too harsh in my review, and I will be looking forward to how the story develops from here. There certainly is potential to create sweet drama in the next installments to counter the comedic atmosphere.
Don't worry, this was a very fair and constructive review, it's really appreciated! :) I hope I can create that sweet drama indeed and I shall be doing my very best to make it work! :)
OwlsCantReadchapter 2 .Dec 23
First-person is a tricky perspective to use, but I say you captured Nishir's frustrations rather well with his maelstrom of thoughts. I also like how the start of the chapter shows how different Nishir is compared to Takari with him listing a wide array of differences, as it is a nice way to describe both characters without being explicit about it.
There is definitely some belligerent tension between Nishir and Takari, the latter of whom comes of as the wholesome prankster type who is likely making fun of a swimmer she arguably likes. The reverse psychology she displays with the game of rock-treestar-claw and her instigating questions to mess with Nishir truly are something, and seeing things from Nishir's point of view only captures his muddled feelings as his emotions swing between irritation and a repressed longing crush. I am excited for more with these two indeed, they have a hilarious dynamic.
Thank you very much! :D
I think your review sums up their character dynamics perfectly and I'm glad that you liked the (rather extented) list of differences lol. I kinda got started there and really started to try and come up with as many things as I possibly could :D I totally need to draw these two at some point or at least commission someone to do that.
Aside from this chapter here, this dynamic will not be the main center of the story from here on but I wanted to make sure that this dynamic was well introduced and the characters established before the tough stuff happens. Kinda sucks jumping right into the drama without knowing the characters at all. It's the biggest challenge while writing OC-heavy short stories tbh and I guess that's why I go for longer stories all the time lol. Anyway, thanks :D
*breathes*
Thanks for all the feedback guys! I'll work hard on the story and hopefully have another chapter ready within a couple days!