Hello everyone, I finally have a new chapter ready for you but it is important that you do not skip this Author's Note. This chapter, especially its final scene is not for the faint of the heart. It is extremely dark and touches on the aspect of suicide. Please read this chapter with utmost caution, particularly if you are mentally unstable or if you have had suicidal thoughts before. I sincerely hope that no one is going to start associating with Takari here. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please talk to your friends, family or a therapist about it and call the suicide hotline. I hope this story, as it progresses, will also show why suicide is no solution. Thank you for understanding. Also, I've decided to change the rating of the story to "M"
Now that that's taken care of, here's the chapter.
Chapter 5: When a child decides to die
Our new home is an island with a tall mountain on one side and a gently sloping forest on the other side. The kind family that took us in has their nests somewhat centrally near a small creek. The four little swimmers, lead by Raver who is the only one who knows where Greenie lives - or, rather, hides, take Takari and me through the tight jungle that grows in vast amounts on the island. We are walking for a while until the tall mountain, awfully looking like one of the smoking kind, at least in shape and size, comes into sight.
"We've gotta climb for a bit, follow me, it's on the plateau above us." Raver races ahead as the rest of us gives pursuit. I can tell that the boy is in high spirits, replenished with hope that his friend might not be lost to her depression after all. The climb is steep but no climbing is needed to trudge on. Slowly, I'm beginning to wonder what is expecting me. Due to the experiences I've made with Takari, I have a general idea of how to approach the girl, however there are a few obstacles that could complicate things. For starters, she doesn't know me and Raver hasn't been able to talk to her. Would she even listen to Takari and me? Moreover, she is younger than Takari - or at least that's what I'm assuming since children like Raver and his siblings are usually playing with kids similar in age. While Takari has some maturity, kids in that age group usually don't have enough maturity to fully understand the loss of a loved one. Either way, I am going to try my best as I've been stuck in this situation before. If there is anything I can do to help, then I will!
Shortly before reaching the plateau, Raver suddenly signals us to halt, suddenly giving off a very serious but also anxious aura.
"You guys wait here, I'm going to see if she's still here."
Wait, he doesn't know?
His siblings are already beginning to mutter among themselves, wondering if the walk has been for vain, however the boy returns very soon.
"We're lucky; one of the elders looking after her is here right now but…" He suddenly hesitates. "She hasn't improved any since I last visited."
"When did you visit her the last time?" I inquire curiously.
"Hmmm, probably a little more than two full Night Circles ago…"
She's been in this state for so long then? What a poor child…
"You just abandoned her, in other words?" Takari has a really rare look of disdain on her face. "You didn't even try to get through to her? Is she even as important to you as you told us?"
Raver's expression is an open book, the guilt basically written into his face.
"I do care!" he claims quite fiercely, however his words lack the hostility they carried whenever he had been arguing with his siblings. "I do care about Greenie but… I don't know what to do. What would you do if you see someone who is important to you so down that they won't even react to anything, won't acknowledge your presence and don't talk to you? I honestly tried but, at some point, I just couldn't take it anymore… "
My gaze rests on Raver as the child kicks a pebble in frustration. I know that frustration very well now though I used to be in a similar spot back when Takari was coping badly.
"Nishir didn't give up on me!" Takari suddenly shouts before abruptly toning down her voice to a whisper. "I was so hopeless and yet he dragged me back into life. I didn't want to at first but now I'm just so glad that he stopped me before I got to the point of no return!"
Which may be a point Greenie has reached. I nod appreciatively into Takari's direction before addressing Raver.
"You see, Raver - and this will probably explain itself once we can continue the story. I think Takari is right; you shouldn't have left her but I can understand your situation. You're still young; you didn't know what to say to help her. I didn't really know either to be honest. Maybe we can save her but don't blame yourself no matter what happens now."
I don't think Raver fully agrees with my words but, whatever he's thinking, he's keeping it to himself.
"Either way, will you introduce us?"
"O-of course, follow me…"
Raver leads us onto the rocky plateau. While taking a look at the surroundings, I come to realize that one can watch the setting of the Bright Circle quite nicely from up here as it is open towards the direction of the Bright Circle's evening position. And, likewise, I could imagine seeing the night lights quite nicely from up here, wondering if this was a criteria for Greenie to pick such a place to isolate herself. Raver is heading with uncertainty towards an opening in the rocky wall that rises scorched and steeply in front of us, signaling to follow him into its depths. Funny how both Takari and Greenie decided to hide in a cave, although in our case we kind of had to hide whereas Greenie is safe on this island.
Inside, we meet an elderly swimmer who is absentmindedly observing something that is deeper inside past my current eye's reach. Raver greets him with some formality which startles the old swimmer for a second.
"My, I didn't expect any more visitors," he says in a very elderly-like voice that reminds me a lot of how my gramps used to talk like before he was… Never mind that.
"We're here to see her," Raver explains quickly. "She used to play with me a lot before it happened."
"Why, I certainly know that but who are they?" I suddenly feel a gaze rest on my shoulders which could only mean that he is referring to Takari and me. I begin to wonder how to explain but Takari is quicker on the uptake.
"We're new here. After we lost our families in a fastbiter attack, we were taken in by Raver's family and when we heard about Greenie…"
"... We thought we should meet her. After all, we went through the same thing…" The elder scans both of us before he meets us with a kind smile.
"It is them who have suffered the most who carry the greatest kindness. Maybe you might hold the key to the doors little Greenie has locked from the world around her. I wish you the best of luck in your attempt."
The elder smiles warmly at us and, with a small bow, invites us to walk past him. Raver walks ahead at first but soon comes to a halt with little warning.
"I haven't visited her in a long time; has there been any… improvement? Or is she still…" Raver turns back towards the old swimmer whose expression turns serene the second the little boy asks.
"Unfortunate as it may be, she is as detached from reality as one can possibly be." A great sigh escapes the old dinosaur. "She does not respond to any sensations. Even when a group of children snuck in to bully her, she would not respond to the mistreatment. She will hardly respond to her own needs and will only eat and drink when being provided and fed. Although, she will sometimes leave the cavern at night to look into the sky and cry before she goes to sleep. That is the current situation, I am afraid."
I see Raver's expression darken and, upon hearing this sad report, I cannot help but feel discouraged. This is nowhere near what Takari has been acting like back then. Still, I feel like I at least should give it a try.
"So she's still not doing any better… oh boy this sucks…" Raver grunts in obvious frustration before he gets a hold of himself, slurping deeper inside which prompts the rest of us to follow quietly. The cavern isn't maze-like like the one at our old home but rather comfortably spacy, a broad path which could probably fit half a dozen adult swimmers walking side by side slowly curving to the right as it leads deeper within. The ceiling is elevated though maybe not quite enough for a longneck to stretch its neck to full height and, much to my surprise, both ceiling and walls were unnaturally smooth as if something had carved this tunnel out of the very mountain. Occasionally, there are features in the rock that almost look like droplets of water except they are solid grey rock. Since I have never seen such a thing, I am quite mesmerized by the sight. It doesn't change the fact though that there is a strange, heavy mood in the air, almost tangible. Everyone in our group is dreading the encounter in some shape, I suppose.
"Eww, what's this smell?"
Emi has spoken up while holding her hands in front of her nostrils to cover them. Curious, I draw my next breath entirely through my nose and immediately regret it. A distinct smell of excrement is suddenly filling the air, congesting our noses.
"You didn't pass some gas over there, Raver, did you?" Zekir cries from the back of our group which Raver is leading.
"Idiot, doesn't this smell a lot worse than some stupid gas?!" Raver retorts and I immediately have to agree with his reasoning. Takari and I had used a certain crevice during our days hiding in the cavern whenever the need arose and it would smell just as bad.
"Say, Raver, the elder never mentioned whether or not she…" Takari is quicker than me to voice my concerns again. Raver comes to a standstill just as a solid wall in front of us appears in the dwindling light. I catch up to him quickly.
"He meant it when he said that she doesn't respond to her needs…" Raver suddenly looks very beaten as he casts his gaze into a corner of the cavern. Following his gaze, my eyes soon fall upon a small body cradled up on a broad leaf. This must be Greenie; she seems about the size of our new siblings… Upon doubletaking, I can see that she is writhing around and faintly moaning in what appears to me like a sleepstory plaguing her (Takari would move in a similar fashion during her nightmares) but there was also something else that was covering part of her body though it was too dark to see exactly what it was. Wait a second, considering the smell around here…
"Oh my, oh my…" Without warning, the elder comes rushing after us and, as my eyes slowly adjust to the darkness, I can eventually see the scene in its full tragedy. Greenie is lying in her own excrement and, likely due to her restless sleep, she must have spread it over much of her body. The elder rushes past us.
"I suppose I forgot to mention that she is so indifferent about things that she won't even get up to do her business…" He bows over the moaning swimmer, carefully wrapping up the leaf she was resting on and picking up the poor swimmer. "Oh my, what a big mess… I had her drink a lot from the river in the morning because she hasn't done any business in a long while but what a mess this is… I suggest that you wait outside until I have washed her in the river properly. Oh my oh my…"
My eyes follow the elder who continues to mutter to himself, carrying the rolled-up leaf that wrapped the girl, allowing him to transport her comfortably despite the huge mess. I am too shocked by the images I just witnessed to say anything.
"Do you understand now?" Raver whispers in a broken voice before hiding his face in his hands and walking back outside without another word. None of his siblings dare tease him about it.
"Oh the poor girl…" Takari mumbles and when I look at her I can see her face swimming in tears. "I thought I had been too broken to carry on but this is…" Takari can't continue, breaking down on the spot as every pair of eyes watches. Naturally, Takari, perhaps, could relate to Greenie even more than I could because, unlike me, she had sunken as low as to question her existence. Feeling a sudden pity for her, I slowly approach her. Barely have I put my hands soothingly on her shoulders when she whirls around to embrace me. Immediately, I feel some awkwardness rise inside my chest but I've already learned how to deal with this particular emotion, returning the gesture readily, occasionally patting her back.
"You're probably imagining yourself in her situation right now, aren't you?" I guess, addressing her in a quiet voice, not surprised at all when her wet cheek nods against my own.
"It hurts seeing her; she gave up on life… M-maybe they should just…"
I know what the girl is trying to say but her sobs swallow the rest of her sentence.
"Would you have wanted me to let you go back then, Takari?" I argue in a serious voice, detaching myself from the embrace, keeping my hands on her shoulders, in order to see her reaction first-hand. "Would you have wanted me to let you walk into your certain demise? Please answer me, Takari." More sobs escape her throat and, for a moment, I consider pulling her back into the hug but then her lips move.
"Back t-then I would have wanted to…" Her facial expression contorts into a painful emotion of regret. "B-but you w-wouldn't let me. You rescued me, Nishir!" Her hands, previously hanging down and swinging like a twig in the wind, closed into tight fists. "I was so stupid, wasn't I?!" One of my hands suddenly moves to lift up her hanging head as I address her with a sad smile.
"Maybe you were but you still listened to me, that's what counts." Takari immediately clings onto me again hence I resume my embrace as well. Right now, I can tell just by the way she holds onto me that she is extremely thankful. It's enough to make me feel a little better after seeing Greenie which was nothing short of a shock. Only now, I begin to notice the confused looks Zekir and Beakles are sending my way (Emi is moved to tears). Right, I haven't told them about Takari's worst moments yet. I guess we should fetch Raver and tell them.
"Let's go outside for a bit, it's way too smelly in here now," I say which no one objects to. A little later, we're back to the rocky plateau where we bump into a grumpy Raver sulking. Takari and Emi have recovered during the walk but both girls are still shaken from the events and very quiet as a result. The Bright Circle is slowly leaning closer to the horizon and I realize that we won't be able to retell the entire story on a single day, not that I'm complaining.
"That didn't go well, did it?" Raver is speaking up without prior warning, his voice filled with disappointment and bitterness. "Sorry for dragging you all along… it was stupid for me to think we had any chance to begin with…" I give the boy a funny side glance. Have we done anything yet? I don't think so…
"We just arrived at a bad time, Raver," I tell him with a considerate voice. "Please don't assume that it's not going to work just because this just happened… If we can somehow reach out to her, we might be able to bring her back to reality. We've at least gotta try. "
"She's just existing; she doesn't even try to live… How do you think it's going to work?!"
"I don't exactly know," I answer him truthfully." But if we turn around now, she'll always be like this. That much is a given. Things won't change unless we try to do something about it. You don't want her to live like this, being fed and washed like a hatchling, do you?" Raver is ringing with himself but then he gives a sulky reply.
"Yeah, whatever…" I don't have the intention to lecture him of course but I guess he took it the wrong way. I make a mental note to be more considerate next time and eventually decide to change the topic and liven up the gloomy mood.
"While we wait, maybe I should just tell you more of the story since we've got nothing better to do until Greenie has had her bath. What do you think?"
"Yeah, that's a great idea," Takari affirms, joining my side immediately. "Maybe then you'll understand why I just... cried like this."
And just maybe, while recalling these worst days of Takari, I might find a clue for helping Greenie.
I was still shaken when I arrived at the end of the dark cave. Seeing the Bright Circle shine happily from the sky was infuriating because I couldn't bask in its light at my free will. Any time I did meant risking my life since the fastbiters could be lying in wait somewhere in the thick green foliage that grew everywhere in these parts. Reluctantly, I allowed myself to slack for a little bit, lying on my back to feel the warmth on my face and belly. After so much time spent in darkness, I truly began to appreciate the fact that something like the Bright Circle existed, guiding us through the day, spending warmth and making things grow. Now I'm beginning to understand why Takari would often show her gratitude for the Bright Circle, I totally get it now… "
Making sure to keep up my vigilance, listening to every little sound coming from the jungle, I basked in the flawless warmth for a little while. Slowly, I was able to calm down a little from the terrible experience of seeing Takari break like that; slowly my brain started to cut down on negative thoughts and feelings. At last, I felt a little at peace which was just the foundation I needed to advance the cycle of thoughts going through my head all the time.
Takari won't be able to get better if we stay hidden in a dark cave like that with nothing but her own sorrow to occupy her. There's only one solution; we have to leave for her sake as well as for mine. I'm going to lose my sanity at some point if this goes on forever… " Takari could only get better if we got a move on, however, despite giving it a lot of thought, I hadn't been able to find an answer yet. This valley was sealed off except for the water way which, thanks to dangerous currents, sharp cliffs and unpredictable tides, was as close to suicide as taking a stroll in broad daylight with two dozen fastbiters roaming about. It just wouldn't do. However, on that early afternoon, as I was finally getting a chance to relax and think things through, the spark finally came to me.
We can't get away from this valley but the fastbiters got in… there MUST be some kind of hidden entrance we're unaware of! Didn't we hear eerie sounds in the cavern? Did they get in through the caverns? Could we get out the same way? Where's that tunnel leading out?!
"I've gotta find it!" I exclaimed while jumping excitedly to my feet in one swift motion, disregarding my own safety for a moment before I realized that I was giving my location away. Well, I'm going to go back inside anyway! Wasting no more time, I sprinted back inside.
"While Nishir was exploring, I guess I made a very stupid decision…" Takari speaks up as my narrative reaches a breather. In hindsight, I would have to agree wholeheartedly.
"What did you do?" Emi asks with some curiosity as the storytelling begins to draw her back in, making her forget the sad images of Greenie.
"I won't spoil you, I'm sure Nishir will get there soon," she replies with a little smile, nodding in my direction expectantly.
"I will but first I made some dramatic discoveries that changed everything for us…"
Even though I ran deeper inside the cavern, I had no idea where to go exactly. Takari and I were still far from knowing every tunnel and every turn of the maze-like system that continued far into the mountains surrounding the Valley, turning so dark that even after adjusting our eyes we were completely blind. Could it be one of those that they found and got in? Think, Nishir, where did those sounds come from? Think! Where had we been when we heard them? Suddenly, I remembered. Right, Takari and I were hiding in a corner huddled close together… It was so embarrassing… I came to a halt momentarily as I racked my brain in an attempt to recall little details.
I remember, the sounds came from the left-most tunnel but… It is completely blocked by a cave-in to my knowledge. Could it be… The thought was too intriguing to be discarded in spite of the low likelihood of success. Could the cave-in be passed after all? Even though it was one of the best explored places of this cavern?
I immediately began running as a mixture of fright and excitement overcame me. Was I about to discover how everyone met their untimely end? Was I about to find out how the fastbiters really got in? Faster and faster I ran, eventually taking a left turn and following a rather spacious tunnel until the cave-in abruptly stopped me. Wheezing, I caught my breath while inspecting the wall in front of me with the little light I could work with. Many boulders of various sizes piled up into a wall of rubble that extended way up to the ceiling. Or was it? I squeezed my eyes to see in the darkness. Near the ceiling, there were a lot of displaced rocks that looked almost too artificial to be naturally assembled.
Don't tell me… " I didn't waste another thought. With a grim expression, I started climbing the rubble, ignoring a sharp pain on my left leg when I accidentally walked against a boulder too dark to see. Higher and higher I climbed until I had to duck and navigate around stone teeth, vicious sharp rocks growing in a downward fashion from the ceiling in many places of this cavern. My eyes couldn't see anything at all besides washed out, contrasting hues so I used my arms to navigate, touching many boulders and smaller pebbles, slowly creeping on and hitting my head a few times on the now low ceiling. It was tedious work but, slowly, I made progress. This continued for a while and I was growing rapidly confused because I was already expecting to bump against a solid wall of rock but it just wouldn't come. Actually, the uneven rubble I was waddling over with my big swimmer feet appeared to be sloping downwards. My eyes couldn't see anything, they didn't see the danger in front of me either.
"What the!" I exclaimed suddenly when my foot hit nothing but thin air. Not finding any appropriate footing, my body fell forward, crashing into rocks and pebbles and sliding down a rather steep slope. At first I wanted to scream in pain (I had obtained some nasty bruises) but that was when I began to understand what was going on. I hadn't just fallen down any slope. This was the other side of the seemingly blocked path, completely black and dark but it existed! It wasn't a dead end for Takari and me which meant that escape was suddenly possible!
"I can't believe it, we can really leave and escape the fastbiters!" I said quite audibly to myself as my excitement drowned even the deep-rooted sadness that I was constantly carrying around to a varying degree. There's little doubt that the fastbiters got through this opening, of course we wouldn't know it existed because it's too dark to see it directly. We… Couldn't have predicted or prevented the attack… I guess that's just as good as it is bad news. Well, at least I don't have to blame myself for not noticing and, besides, the hole was likely dug anyway, considering the way the rocks and pebbles were sprawling around the opening… I have to tell Takari, this'll cheer her up for sure!"
"While I was celebrating my discovery, Takari was resting in her cavern - or so I thought back then…" I look over to the girl wearing a slight frown on her beautiful face. Had I known back then what kind of thoughts she was dealing with, maybe I would have never left her side to begin with…
Although it did take a while to get back up and down on the other side of the cave-in, I managed to climb back without further accidents, feeling rather relieved when I saw a faint light coming from the distant cavern entry, my eyes maximally adapted to the dark now after experiencing an almost absolute lack of light. As soon as my feet were treading upon level floor again, I began running excitedly back towards the cavern where I had left Takari earlier…
When I arrived back at the cavern, I immediately noticed that something was not alright. All the time while jogging back, I was wondering how Takari had been doing during my absence but I was surprised to see that she wasn't anywhere to see.
"Takari," I called into the cavern, my voice echoing through the long tunnels eerily. "Takari, I'm back. Where are you?" Eagerly, I sharpened my ears, however no one answered my call.
"Takari?" I repeated, raising my voice a little but no response came. Where could she be and why is she not replying? Don't tell me she's back in trance?! Uneasiness was spreading through my chest and a sense of panic was tangible. Hectically, I checked every corner of the cavern for signs of the girl, however I wasn't able to locate her.
"Takari, where are you?!" I cried into the hallways, several echoes of my plea amplifying the message. There was no way Takari could fail to hear me now and yet no response. If she is nearby… And not on trance… Those were possibilities, unfortunately, which I had to keep in the back of my mind. I was convinced by now that she wasn't physically present in this cavern.
"Maybe she went back to the other cave where she used to hide?" I mumbled to myself as the thought popped up suddenly. Given her breakdown earlier, that wasn't even that surreal of a possibility. "I've gotta check!" Panic was still tangible but I was now provided with another option to find the girl. There wasn't a way I could lose Takari now, it just mustn't happen. She had to be over there, asleep or spacing out. She just had to!
"Takari? Are you here? Answer me, Takari!" I called much louder than was necessary, panting a little as I had been sprinting in worry. Not a single thing even suggested that the small room was housing any other living creature beside me; no reply, not even a sound. My eyes hadn't adjusted to the much darker conditions in this cavern yet so I couldn't see as much as a faint outline of the walls.
"ANSWER if you're here, Takari!" I yelled in growing frustration and panic but the cavern fell silent after the usual echo of my voice had subsided. What the heck, she can't be gone! I have to find her! Panicky, I used my outstretched arms to find the wall and walked along the walls, checking every oh so little crevice in the wall for the girl but, even after doing three full circles and my eyes adjusting to the point of seeing my own hands, I couldn't find Takari. There was only one possible explanation for this…
"She's not here! I lost her; I lost my only companion!" I screamed in full panic, my hands clobbering the side of my head. Takari was all I had left; losing her would mean the end for me. I was only able to work the courage to fight for our survival because she lived, because she was struggling too. If Takari was gone, how could I even bare my tragic fate? Suddenly, my discovery meant nothing anymore. All that mattered was to find out what happened to Takari. Had she left the cavern? Was she just hiding from me? Or…
"No, I'm such a fool!" Without warning, I had a horrible hunch, coming to an even more horrible realization. "She even said it, I'm such an idiot! 'Nishir, I want to go where my family is'… could it be that she meant it?! Does she want to… Oh shit!" I felt tears blur the little vision I had in the dark as I realized the full implementation of the situation. She's trying to join her family; in other words, she's trying to die just like them! I have to find her; she's all I have left! Where could she have gone?!" Thankfully, it didn't take long to draw the conclusion. In a valley full of deadly fastbiters, there was an awfully easy way to accomplish what she was planning to do.
I need to run fast; she must have slipped past me while I was exploring the tunnel… and I've walked all this way back here and searched for an eternity! All the while she was already wandering around outside… Shit shit SHIT! My heart was hammering in my chest. Takari might already have walked into a fastbiter and any second I didn't find her would increase the odds of that happening! Quickly, I stumbled back into the tunnel and started running as fast as my legs could carry me…
The atmosphere is suddenly very heavy and every pair of eyes stares with disbelief at Takari as if begging her to deny my story but the girl just greets them with a sad, regretful expression. Even Raver appears to be very shocked and Emi is actually wiping away some tears. I sigh audibly before I pick up the story again.
By the time I got to the entrance of the large cave system, my ribs were burning and my legs crying with fatigue. My skin was shred in several places because I had tripped over uneven ground and pebbles multiple times but none of these obstacles could stop my burning fear which was driving me on. For just a little moment, I allowed my body to catch some breath as the Bright Circle's light momentarily blinded me. Takari had likely left the cavern so I had to figure out where she had gone. The valley was too big to start a blind search so I had to find her tracks. There are many conflicting sets of footprints in the soft grass. We've been here for food and the call of nature several times. Shit, there's no way of telling which one belongs to Takari! What should I do?! Fear was engulfing me like a swarm of mollusks, gobbling up my composure and ability to think calmly and rationally. All I could think of was to find her but not how to accomplish it. Takari was in mortal danger if my hunch was true so I simply mustn't waste a single moment. Frantically, I looked around as my vision adapted to daylight at last. There was the usual path through the underbrush that Takari and I had broken through the dense jungle once and had been using it ever since. Several sets of footprints of various quality lead in and out of the path but there was no telling whether or not Takari had really used it or broken through the thick vegetation elsewhere unless…
"There would be footprints to prove it!" I told myself loudly as a means of encouragement, quickly sprinting forward and walking along the untreaded portions of the jungle in search of such footprints.
"There's nothing," I concluded with heavy breath soon after, returning to the path that led into the forest. "She must have used this one after all!" I felt new strength in my legs as I realized that I had her trail for now, entering a quick jog, hoping that I wouldn't be too late…
A serious amount of scratches covered my skin by the time I broke out of the jungle but I had had no time to avoid twigs and stingy plants with sharp thorns. The pain I was feeling was nothing in comparison to the pain that the death of Takari would result in. As the view of the valley finally unfolded in front of my eyes, I finally allowed myself once more to take a quick breather and analyze the situation. We hadn't been here for well over the time the Night Circle takes to go from shining brightly to it's sickle-like form and things had changed dramatically since then. Hardly any carcass still had flesh on them. Where badly mutilated corpses used to lie, now only bones remained. Some skeletons of the swimmers were a big mess, rip cases broken apart and backbones sprawled all over the place. It was a truly devastating sight. Not too long ago, those were living and talking swimmers and now only bones reminded of their existence.
At least there aren't any fastbiters at the moment but it's the middle of the day. I have to be careful… Me dying on Takari isn't going to help her either! It was one less thing to worry about but I still had to find out where she had gone from here. A quick scan of the area only revealed numerous corpses and a pleasant lack of predators but no sign of a little green swimmer. Swimmer children were usually well hidden in grass unless they were hatched with unusual colours which didn't make things much easier. In addition, I could not see vast amounts of the valley from my current vantage point which didn't exactly increase my chances either. Takari, even if walking slowly, should have had more than enough time to wander past the area I could set sight on right now. A quick scan of the floor revealed no obvious set of footprints and the high grass that followed the forest would swallow them soon enough even if I honestly tried to track them down.
"Where could she have gone?!" I cried while frantically working my brain. Just what might the girl be thinking? Would she just blindly walk around or might she have a certain destination in mind?
"She said she wanted to be with her family… did she perhaps…" I thought out loud when an idea popped up. Quickly, I turned my head to the right, looking into the distance towards a certain pair of carcasses. Unless I was mistaken, her parents had bravely fought and died there. If Takari had been quite literal with her statement, could she actually have gone to the corpses of her parents for whatever little comfort they might be able to offer? Was she actually there? I squeezed my eyes since they were a fair distance ahead and, indeed, while I couldn't identify it clearly, there appeared to be a small lime green dot in between the two dead swimmers. Could this be Takari?! I didn't know for sure but it was better than staying where I was or combing through the whole valley without any plan. It was my best bet. Quickly, I made sure that the air was still clear to go before I leapt out of the bushes into the open grasslands, the fear of being seen almost as great as the fear of Takari being seen before I could reach her… If it was even Takari to begin with.
But I would soon find out…
"Damn, Nishir, you got guts, walking into the land the fastbiters claimed from you guys…"
Raver seems quite impressed and Takari seems to have a small appreciative smile left for me, however I cannot quite agree with their depiction of the situation.
"Above all, it was stupid and reckless. You could have easily died there," Beakles says almost in a scornful way. Feels weird being lectured by a kid much younger than me but Beakles seems to have mental maturity that's more on our level.
"I'm just glad nothing happened!" Emi shouts with obvious relief.
"How do you know, he didn't finish the story yet?" Suddenly, everyone looks at Zekir with a dumbfounded expression, myself included. He's not the brightest, is he?
"He's standing right in front of you, right?" Takari says and for once I'm delighted to see her teasing in action since it's not directed at me. Zekir quickly ducks under the gleeful grins of Takari and the other two boys. I smile internally at the humorous display before regaining everyone's attention.
Never had I felt more uncomfortable than when I was running through the valley without knowing whether I was being taken notice of. The seconds seemed more like minutes and even though I was moving in a borderline ducked sprint, it didn't feel like I was getting any closer. Passing by numerous skeletons of former herd members didn't really help to ease my frigid and timid mind any. Any second I expected to be ambushed by the fastbiters but no attack came. Eventually, I got close enough to take a better look, almost tripping over my feet when a most welcome yet horrible sight greeted me.
It's Takari thank goodness! The lime-green dot had indeed been Takari. Immediately, a feeling of immense joy and great relief overcame me; she was alive which meant everything to me, however, she was in such a poor condition, that I was having trouble rejoicing at all. Oh good grief… Not only had she meant it quite literally but she was hugging one of her parent's beaks - or what was left of it anyway, all the while appearing to be shaking with heavy but muffled sobs. It was a truly pitiful sight.
"Takari!" I yelled without thinking, the fact that I might alert any nearby predators already slipping my mind. Quickly, I sprinted the remaining distance, a couple stone throws at best.
"Takari…" I panted while holding my sides as I finally arrived at the site. Both swimmer skeletons were entirely cleaned from remaining flesh, only bones remaining which weren't even connected in the correct way anymore as the corpses had been violated by the fastbiters during their meal. And Takari was sobbing in the middle of it. As much as I pitied her, my first reaction was to be angry.
"Are you completely mad?!" I wheezed out while catching my heavy breath. "I get that you want to be with your family even though they're dead but at the risk of getting eaten? You must be crazy!" Takari looked up when I began shouting at her, her eyes red and swollen.
"You sh-shouldn't have come here, Nishir…" she sobbed quietly, looking a little shamefully at me like a kid being caught in something that was off-limits.
"What's this supposed to mean, Takari?" I inquired with a firm voice.
"I didn't want to b-b-bother you w-with this. Please go before they find me…"
I needn't ask who Takari was referring to when she said "they". My worst suspicion had come true. She wants to join her dead family, in other words… Panic rose inside of me as that realization and its obvious consequence fully registered in my mind. She is planning to commit suicide by allowing fastbiters to eat her, oh dear no! I had been trying to deny it during much of my hectic journey to find the girl but, now that she had openly admitted it, part of my world just felt on the brink of collapse.
"Are you outta your mind, Takari?!" I yelled at her as my panic turned into anger. This must probably be what it's like to be a parent and yell at your child, oww that thought hurts…
Takari didn't reply at first. Shamefully, she looked away, the occasional sob rocking her small body. I waited patiently, even had my hands on my hips like my dad would often do when he was reprimanding me (that thought hurt too…). Takari was fidgeting around with the tip of her tail until my continuous stern stare finally prompted an answer.
"As a matter of fact…" Her voice was very weak and hoarse. She sounded tired, so tired of this world. "Nishir, I think my mind is clearer than ever. I finally… know."
Even though her cryptic answer didn't make any sense, I continued to listen to what she had to say.
"All this time, I-I've been crying and crying, over and over again. All this time I've been thinking 'what should I do? When is it finally going to stop hurting and t-tearing me apart?' Day after day I've spent like this, bearing the pain hoping it'd get better b-but… Nishir, it just hurts even more! Every day without my p-parents, every day reliving everything in my sleep stories, each time seeing all the b-blood a-and the b-b-bodies in front of my inner eye again… I… I can… can't... "
Takari fell to her knees as her composure disintegrated entirely.
"These last days I've been wondering; w-what's the p-point of suffering like this? There is no p-point, is there? It's really so simple when you t-think about it!"
I could only look at her in shock as she said all these horrible things so casually as if she was embracing an old friend.
"I can't take any more of it!" she blurted out, heavy sorrow rocking her little lime-green body. My anger fell from me at that point and I rushed over to kneel down next to her and put a helping hand on her sagging shoulders.
"I want to see them again… the longer… we're apart… the more I crave… to see them again… feel their warmth… hear their voices again. I can't… take it.. anymore…"
Takari had leant over, sobbing into my chest, her voice barely a whisper at this point.
"Nishir… I'm tired. Tired of… this world. It's too… cruel."
I couldn't argue with her statement. It was excruciatingly cruel and our fate was to have survived while everyone else did not. Would it have been better to have died too? I needn't ask Takari for her opinion as she had made it clear as day, however I needed to get my line of thinking straight. Takari's speech had mellowed my anger about her suicidal thoughts to the point that I started to sympathize with them. Basically, what was the point of our existence? Did we exist just to suffer because we survived? Did we exist to accomplish anything? Did we exist for any reason at all? Was there any meaning behind staying alive and trudging on on a path that was so hard to walk that it seemed ludicrous to even give it a try? So far, whenever my mind had wandered places as dark as this, my answer had always been 'because Takari is still there, I can't leave her alone'. However, since Takari was tired of clinging to a life that was probably devoid of any meaning or hope, would there be any point in opposing her? My only objective had been her survival all this time but now it was an objective that Takari no longer wanted, no longer cared about. Could I really bring it upon myself to stop Takari, who probably just no longer wanted to suffer, making her suffer even more as a result?
"Nishir… wanna die… together?"
Takari's words, which didn't even form full sentences anymore, shook me out of my thoughts. Apparently, I had spaced out for a fair while as her crying had ceased to make room for a strange emptiness in her expression that worried me greatly. I started giving her question a serious thought, considering it was a question I had been rather close to asking myself too. I, too, was tired of crying for hours at a time after all, was tired of all the sorrow, loneliness, angst and so many more negative feelings haunting me with striking relentlessness and, most of all, I couldn't take seeing Takari in the state she was in any longer. Her being just as broken as the bones of her parents next to me made me snap inside… just like a bone. I was tired of this cruel world myself so why should I keep on putting myself through all these hardships if the only reason for me doing so was Takari, who no longer wanted to live? It was very tempting and I ended up staring at Takari's empty eyes for much longer than seemed appropriate. If I didn't say anything soon, maybe she would return to the trance-like state…
"Takari…" I begun but, in all honesty, I didn't know what to say and my mind was far from accepting her offer yet. Some part of me wanted to give in to the tempting solution to all our problems, wanted to be free of all the burden, but another part of me seemed just as eager to cling to the miserable existence that I had left. I needed more time; I hadn't done all the thinking required to make such a big decision as to continue or end my own life yet, however Takari had already made up her mind and that was something that I somehow had to deal with, for now.
"Look…" I began again but the words just wouldn't come to me.
"Die… with… me?"
Takari's level of speech was rapidly deteriorating. I had observed this once or twice while patiently comforting her after a scary sleep story would jolt her awake and make her experience the pain of that day once more. Back then, her speech, too, had slowly deteriorated; she had been reduced to referring to herself in 3rd person like little children would often do, even using toddler language until she would return to a trance-like state that made her completely unresponsive to verbal communication. If she returns to the trance state, then I won't stand a chance talking to her. I need to stop her… but… how?
"Takari I… I don't know," I finally managed to answer her plea, fidgeting around in an attempt to find the words she needed to hear right now.. "That decision is a very big one, I can't just decide this on the spot."
"Pwwweeaase…" Takari even reverted back to toddler language now, any more regression and she would be unresponsive! "Want to… stay with… Nishir… to the end... together…"
Is she being considerate of me being left behind if she carries out her plan or is she just afraid to die all alone, all after sneaking away from me without a notice whatsoever? Well, not that it matters right now…
"Takari… sowwy…"
"Look, I understand how you feel, Takari…" I told her, a little bit of my anger from earlier taking hold of me again for Takari even thinking such a thing. "If you think I'd be any less tired of this crap than you are then you'd be badly mistaken. We're suffering together, remember? But, for now, could we please return to our cave and think this over together? It's not safe here…"
Me telling her things she didn't want to hear apparently improved her condition a little and some life returned to the blue orbs of her eyes, even if she still retained the expression of someone who had already given up.
"Takari… can't do that…"
"Could you stop being unreasonable, please?" I begged her with a voice as calm as I could muster between my dark thoughts and my worry for our safety. "I'm worried about you, y'know…"
"I can't…" Some tears started leaking from her eyes again while she was becoming more and more aware of everything around her again, her speech slowly returning as well.
"Takari, I'm hurting too…" I said quietly to her as I used one of my hands to raise her chin up so she would look at me. "But I'll be hurting even worse if you take your life… Please do not hurt me even more, you're all I have left…"
Saying things like these would have normally made me blush so bad that the sky colours during the time the Bright Circle goes to sleep are hardly a comparison to the colour of my face, but, right now, none of this mattered as I was fighting for Takari to see reason, no matter how unlikely it was, given her mind state and the amount of determination she was showing right now. The girl was definitely considering what I had just asked of her since a lot more tears were flowing from her eyes and her expression took on a very troubled tone.
"That's why I-I asked y-you to j-j-join me…" she sobbed eventually. "So that I… wouldn't have to leave you behind…"
"...after sneaking away without a word about it…" I reprimanded her in a stingy tone, however it didn't prompt any reaction whatsoever from Takari.
"I do appreciate your concern, Takari, but, as I said, for a decision of such importance, I need more time to make up my mind."
"I've m-made up my mind long ago, I'm not c-changing my decision," the girl cried quietly. "I'm going to s-stay here with my mommy and my daddy until… they finally have mercy on me and eat me too!" It wasn't hard to tell that she was feeling extremely uneasy, saying these disgusting things but she was also unhealthily determined to see her plan to the end. Perhaps she was regretting that she didn't have the mental strength to change her mind for my sake. Or perhaps she just didn't care anymore? Either way, I won't let you, Takari!
"And I'm not letting you do it," I told her in a calm but fierce voice which seemed to stir her emotions up. When she stared at me with an unbelieving expression, I decided to reinforce my opinion with even stronger words.
"Only over my dead body; I definitely will not allow you to throw away your life like that!"
"Why?!" she suddenly yelled at me while pushing my supporting hand away, even getting to her feet now. "Why won't you just let me?! Don't you see that I'm done!? Don't you see that any second I'm here just causes me more and more pain?! I always thought you were my best friend, Nishir, so why are you…"
Okay, now I'm seriously pissed!
"Why?!" I retorted angrily, interrupting her evolving rant. "Shouldn't that be obvious, Takari?! Come on, who in the right state of their mind would approve of their best friend deciding to bloody get eaten by a fastbiter?! Take a hint!"
But Takari didn't take it.
"Did you even listen to me, Nishir?!" The girl yelled, this time rather loudly, certainly loud enough to let any bystanders know of our presence. "Do you have any idea what it feels like to be 'me' right now?!"
"Oh, I only lost my entire family and puked over my siblings' half-eaten corpses, sorry for not understanding what it feels like to be 'YOU'!" I yelled back, her statements so outrageous that I couldn't help but use sarcasm to get my point across.
"Also, would you keep it down for heaven's sake!" I hissed at her angrily. "Do you want to get us killed!?"
"K-kind of?" Her honesty was more brutal than the worst stomach sickness. "Nishir, let's just…"
"NO!" I retorted fiercely, even forgetting to keep my voice down due to how angry her behavior and ignorance was making me. "I'm not letting my dear friend get eaten by a bloody fastbiter and that's final!"
"ARE YOU EVEN MY FRIEND THOUGH?!"
Suddenly, I lost all my fight when gawking at the absurdity of what the girl had just screamed at the top of her lungs, failing to come up with anything to counter it.
"If you cared even a little for me, you'd have mercy with my pathetic self and let me die together with my parents! I just… want to be happy and carefree again but that will never be possible again now that they're g-g-g-GONE!"
"Since when have you turned into a little drama queen, Takari!?" I shouted at her, still too shocked to believe this was actually happening, me and Takari having a full fledged row over her decision to die. I was so angry at her that I couldn't even care less about her having another emotional breakdown. "Normally, it's you who's always so strong and perfect at everything, what happened to that 'you'?"
"It died along with everyone else!" Takari cried, tears all over her face now. "I'm going where that 'you' of me is and-and you won't stop me, never!"
*slap*
It happened faster than my brain could register. Before I knew what I was doing, I had raised my hand and slapped Takari straight across her right cheek, so hard, in fact, that the girl fell over. Tears shot into my eyes as I addressed her.
"Idiot, snap out if it! I don't want to lose you!" Suddenly, I was on the ground too, losing my composure entirely. "You-you're all I have left, T-Takari… I-I can't let you go… I just… can't!"
"Ni-Nishir…"
My emotional outburst finally seemed to have reached her. For a while, only my sobs could be heard as I was trying to get them under control again.
"I know how you're feeling, Takari, but… aren't you just being selfish?" I asked her in a weak voice as my outburst slowly receded. "Have you not thought about how I'd feel if you died on me, leaving me all alone to deal with all this crap? Wouldn't that be just as cruel as me keeping you alive? Would you want me to die, leaving you behind all alone just like that?"
Apparently, this little speech had really made Takari consider the words I had thrown at her for she seemed to be contemplating while I tried to dry my tears with mixed success.
"To be honest… I haven't taken your feelings into consideration, Nishir," she eventually admitted while holding a hand over the swollen area of her face where I had hit her earlier. "You know… I'm not changing my mind but… out of respect for your feelings… I would wait just until you've… made up your mind. I'm sorry, Nishir. I'm not as strong as you are…"
"If that means you're coming back to the caverns with me, then I have no reason to object at the moment," I replied in a tired voice, glad that our fierce argument, probably the worst we've ever had in our lives, was finally coming to an end.
"I don't want to… I want to stay at my parents' side," the girl said in a sad voice, causing my eyebrows to twitch dangerously.
"Don't make me slap you again, Takari," I said through gritted teeth at her childish request. "I've already hurt you enough after all…"
"Yes you have…" she retorted weakly, and I could tell that she wasn't just referring to the bruise that I gave her.
"Look, without the intention to stir all these bad feelings up again but… your parents are dead, Takari. I mean, look…" I could tell that I was just about to make the girl cry in a horrible way once again but some things needed to be said and her lack of willingness to go somewhere safe was beginning to frighten me, especially considering that we've both screamed at the top of our lungs just now. Pointing my fingers at the pile of bones only loosely resembling two adult swimmers anymore, I continued.
"These are just a pile of bones at this point, there's nothing left of them. They've moved on; they're gone. It's pointless dwelling at their carcasses, Takari. Please understand…"
*slap*
Without warning, Takari's hand made a rapid move towards my face, hitting me square across my face just as I had done so moments ago, a small trifle of blood starting to trickle from my nostrils. Guess I deserved that for reopening all these scars… Takari was standing in front of me, wearing an angry expression at first but, within seconds, her hands starting clenching her chest and her whole body started to tremble. Takari was going through a terrible heartache. After a few seconds, she fell to her knees, every muscle in her body extremely tense, then falling flat on the ground and going completely limp all of a sudden. Not even a sob was able to escape her beak as she lay there, suffering. Since I knew that nothing I could tell her right now would ease any of her pain, I just proceeded asking her what I was going to ask her anyway, now that it was relevant.
"Where do you believe are they now? Your parents, my parents… everyone. Where do you think their souls go after their bodies are gone? Where do you think we would go?"
Admittedly, it was an extremely philosophical question and it was extremely unfitting to discuss it somewhere so dangerous, however I wanted to understand why Takari was so keen on staying close to the dead bodies despite her decision not to die until I have made up my mind. Now that I've arrived here, I just don't want to, given that not making it up would keep her alive. But that's a thought for later...
"Personally, I do believe in some sort of afterlife, however I don't quite know what shape it would take - or where the dead go to begin with…" I prompt her by starting the discussion and sharing my opinion, hoping that Takari just hadn't snapped into a trance.
"The Bright Circle…" she mumbled ever so quietly, without any context whatsoever.
"The Bright Circle?" I reinstate with an expression of confusion. "What about it?"
"It's where they… go."
"The dead?"
"Hm."
An interesting theory for sure.
"What makes you think that that's where they go, Takari?" I asked softly as not to upset her any more than I already did. To my surprise, some life returned to her body and, with some difficulty, she sat up.
"The Bright Circle does a lot of good things, right?" she claimed, her sad eyes fixated on me. "I've always been thinking… if there's a place for our ancestors to watch over and guide us, it would be the Bright Circle."
"What about the Night Circle then; or the blinky lights?" I prompted her with some curiosity. Personally, I had always thought the blinky lights to be that place where our ancestors watch over us.
"Well, we don't need much guidance when we sleep, do we?"
That's a valid point…
"They'd probably want to see us play and have fun, not sleep and having bad sleepstories, r-right?"
I looked at her poor form and somehow mustered a small smile despite the circumstances.
"That's why you like it so much, the Bright Circle, am I right?"
"Of course… I thought my lost siblings would appreciate it if I came and said 'good night' to them every now and then as they watch over me from way up there… it just felt right to do it…"
Right, I tend to forget that she had lost her siblings when they were still toddlers...
"Then why don't we do that later, climb a tree near the cave (because the trees would block the view from there) and say 'good night' to our folks?"
Suddenly, Takari gave me an extremely teary-eyed glance before quietly nodding. I did it; I convinced her!
"Shall we get going then? I'm sure that's way better than waiting here until a fastbiter finds and eats you, right?"
*ROAR*
If only I hadn't said anything...
This is one of these chapters that one needs to digest for a bit I think. I'm in the same boat, I have no idea what to write about here.
Unless you can guess from here, Greenie is actually going to get a little side story which will be resolved in the next chapter (15k words, be prepared lol) and the advisory warning will apply to chapter 6 as well once that's out. Oh, and it also figures that the cliffhanger will span over two chapters as a result (I'm an evil Swimmer after all).
Yeah, I can't think of more. I've got plenty of old reviews to respond to at least :P
Anagnos chapter 4 . Jan 25
"Just to let you know, I will be releasing these reviews separately rather than putting them in one post. :)
Chapter 3: I'm very much in favor of the more darker approach in this chapter when compared to the small hints we have been given throughout the journey thus far. The past pretense that this would merely be a slice of life kind of story has now been swept away just as Takari and Nishir's entire life with their herd. For the most part, I did find the impending calamity to have been executed decently, my main issues with it lay mostly on how you decided to approach it. Rather than immediately revealing that something was amiss, more preferable option would have been to ease the reader into the dark condition by giving small hints before the ultimate reveal.
But I must confess, that your approach in introducing what is lead to believe to be the tragedy shaping up the duo's relationship between each other was done rather well, and the death of their families likely shows how such close bond eventually came to be as both of them have now lost something very dear to them. The overall mood of the chapter was mostly a rather tragic one, but the way Nishir began to tend to his last remaining acquaintance of his old life helped set the atmosphere into a hopeful direction. This act of kindness from the male likely is one of the reasons why the two of them end up becoming so close. Though, her short-lived state of shock did not last very long, even after witnessing horrible sight after another did manage to lower the quality of the moment.
In terms of emotional impact, the overall quality of the writing was handled suitably, but lacked the emotion that it required. In spite of my comments, I think the chapter still managed to do its job in introducing the reader to the darker aspects of the story, which will be instrumental in going forward."
Thank you very much, Anagnos (and that's fine lol)
I think I know what you are criticizing about my approach but I do not really know how to do it different from how I have done it. As such, I'm not sure how helpful the critique is for me to make it better next time.
Hmm, am I understanding this right that chapter 3 was not emotional enough? What would you have expected that I failed to do? I thought it was super depressing and really dark so this comes as a little surprise. With these stories, emotional impact is the key thing an author needs to nail so to hear that I haven't nailed it makes me curious how to improve myself, especially given that a lot of emotional scenes are still ahead of us in this story.
Do you think it would have been smarter to have Takari freeze entirely during that scene? I can certainly get behind that but it would have been inconvenient, at least during the night time scene of them saying goodbye to their folks. There's the case of Greenie now who is completely shut away from reality as a result of a similar tragedy. Would you have prefered for Takari to remain in a similar state to underline just how crushing it is on her? I would love to hear your responses (can be by PM too) because I would like to listen to your advice and improve what I can by editing the chapter again.
Keijo6chapter 5 .Jan 25
"These two chapters certainly provided a change in this story's direction. Nishir and Takari's fun days were cut short in the worst possible way and also put this fic on the track towards the situation the duo are in in the current day. The latter chapter certainly was a depressing one but one can hardly blame Takari for her extreme reaction even if it only makes Nishir's situation even more unbearable.
Chapter 3 was truly a chaotic one and it was more than easy to feel bad for everyone involved. The two friends' fear and peril was very tangible as was their fear for their loved ones. The moment they realized the truth was a very sad one and it was very hard to even start to think how they feel and you did a good job there. That was certainly a difficult chapter to read but it was necessary to make this story move forward.
As for the second chapter, it was a slower one but that was more than understandable considering the circumstances. It was interesting to see Takari giving up considering that she was more confident and brash than Nishir which made her character much deeper. It was clear Nishir wasn't feeling any better than she was but on the other hand, it seemed his feelings for her were forcing him forward.
The future looks bleak for them but we do know that Takari is not going to meet her end here.
There were a few things that bothered me, though. The first was that chapter three seemed to start too quickly and even if I understand you might have wanted it to add to the shock value, it felt a bit awkward imo. The second is that in both chapters there were many long paragraphs that were quite heavy to read. And finally, I don't know if it was intentional but Tamari's plea for death sounded very much similar to that of Jordy's character in the rp.
But even then, these chapters were a welcome change to this story and changed it into a tale of survival and mutual help to overcome the looming starvation. It's clear that both of the young swimmer's will learn a lot in the days to come and it'll be interesting to see just what happens from now on."
Thank you for your review :)
Yes, you truly cannot blame Takari for reacting in the way she did and yes it causes Nishir a lot of trouble as chapter 5 has just proven.
Yes, chapter 3 was full of horror for the two, it also was very hard to compose it for the same reason. I am very glad that you found it to be effective in what it was trying to achieve.
Chapter 4 largely focused on the aftermath of their loss so, for the lack of action, it had to be a little slower indeed. I'm glad that didn't prove to be troublesome. As for the situation between our two protagonists being the other way around now, Nishir being the strong one and Takari being the weak one, I think The rhombus described it perfectly in his review. Nishir shows much needed character growth in the face of their cruel fate while Takari shows that she is not as strong a character as the first two chapters might suggest.
One good thing about the real time part of the story is that we do know they'll be fine eventually but we do not know how they've managed to escape the tight grip of depression and despair. Otherwise, I think this story might be even darker in its tone than it already is.
Concerning your critique about chpt. 3 starting too fast, since I already covered it in my response to Anagnos, I won't elaborate on it again but I will ask you the same questions that I have asked him. From what I can tell, you would have preferred a less sudden switch from Slice of Life to playing detective to being crushed by reality? If that's what you are critizing, how would you have softened the transition? I have no idea how to elongate the transition phase right now, I'm afraid.
About the long paragraphs, that is probably a habit of mine, resulting from my mother tongue. Us germans love long, complicated sentences for some reason and I guess this also transitions into writing long paragraphs. I can go over the chapter again and try to break them up a little more, however it would be a lot easier with a few examples of where this seriously made reading more difficult for you so I know better what to be looking out for when making edits :)
Regardless, I'm glad that you still enjoyed the developments. Thanks again for the review :)
Anagnos chapter 5 .Jan 26
"And here is the other review that was promised. I concede that the pun in the chapter was rather great way to relieve the tension in this chapter. Points for that. :p
Chapter 4: There certainly was a lot more drama in play throughout this entire chapter, and it did a decent job fleshing out this frantic situation Nishir and Takari find themselves trapped in. Furthermore, I believe you managed to sell the idea of them being completely lost better in this one compared to the previous chapter, but since that was merely the starting point of their rather harrowing point in life, it proved to be a welcome extension of their torment. Nevertheless, there was a slight impression lurking behind the scene when Nishir's short-lived hatred for the sharpeeth outweighing everything else didn't exactly feel like raw anger, but rather mild annoyance. This was likely due to how you decided to demonstrate this particular moment, rather than the cause being the writing. This could've also provided you a rather great chance to explore how exactly it affected Nishir than merely stating how he felt at the moment.
But the sincere and heartfelt moment these two shared prior to Nishir's mission to find them both required nutrition to stay alive was one that gave us a bit more insightful information in exploring their relationship after the dreadful event that has made them seek solace from each other. Although, Nishir's personal feelings for the female might make things rather awkward in the future, they definitely require moments like this in order to cope with the loss and pain. Though, certain events in this chapter seemed to be quite contradicting to what has already been revealed. I'm trying to wrap my head around a particular moment with Takari's incapacity to sleep alone, why then have her sleep alone in the first place? And the reason for this was rather silly and lacked key elements, albeit they are just children.
I don't think there is a need to worry about what Takari might cause to herself, as she seems to be rather fine in the current timeline, but it will be interesting to see what could have brought this change in her personality, but it certainly will not be fatal as that would present certain continuity issues in the story. That being said, Nishir's reaction to this revelation (or rather lack thereof) wasn't handled with the most success as it is hard to believe he would allow that to happen without expressing opposition. For sure, this will allow you to explore these developments in clear light and present a genuine response to this issue in the following chapters. :)"
Yay, the pun scored xD
Yeah, obviously the drama would be the main focus in this one while the first dark chapter was about the suddenness of the cruelty that unfolded and about the initial impact that it had on them. The second chapter shines light on the mid-term consequences for them and coming chapters (as well as to some degree their present story) tells of the long-term impacts of the losses.
Nishir does feel anger at the sharpteeth, I mean who wouldn't feel anger at the killer of their families? Moreover though, I think part of him does realize that it is a natural thing to occur so, at least, he isn't angry at the fastbiters personally which limits the severity of his outburst. He's just too sad to feel any "real" anger as well because he'll just be overwhelmed by it and just ends up crying instead of raging against them. That's what I was thinking anyway. If you disagree, I'm happy to hear to what extend Nishir should feel anger at the fastbiter in your opinion. This is an aspect I can change easily without impacting any major plot points after all :)
I think the biggest development of the relationship between Nishir and Takari here is that they gradually learn to depend on one another and these two chapters only show the early stages of this. I have debated for a long time whether to have them isolate themselves from another the entire time but then decided against it because, honestly, how could they even bear this at all? This limits my options of further development of their relationship later on to some degree but it allowed me to have this sincere and heartfelt moment. You are right that Nishir's shyness around her as far as physical closeness and thoughts of liking her are concerned is a major problem, however he is decent enough to ignore them for the sake of giving the girl the comfort that she needs (and, arguably, he needs it no less). You've probably noticed how they're less... close to each other in the present with the exception of episodes of crying during which the two will support each other with little hesitation.
I think this also plays into the potential plothole that you discovered. I'm not denying that it can be called a plothole. The reason why I chose this particular weakness for Takari is because it allows for a lot of healtfelt and funny scenes in the long run. This clashes with their mechnisms of coping, however, and I think that is what causes a plothole to some extend. Both Takari and Nishir soon develop a rather common reaction to such severe depression: They retreat and isolate themselves despite the contra-indication. They're too busy with themselves, trying to make sense of their losses to care much about each other at first but Nishir snaps out of it after a few days and that's when the heartfelt moment occurs. Anyone can sleep if tired enough but she cannot sleep easily and/or without crying when she's alone. I'm planning to elaborate on this a lot in later chapters too. Last but not least, I think your explanation of them being children (= not always 100% reasonable) could also work as an explanation lol. I hope it was nothing too major ruining your reading impression.
Right on, we know no one dies at least lol. You're completely right there. About your critique about Nishir's lack of opposition, well, he just took a while to realize the full implications of her words. You understood immediately what Takari wanted to do but Nishir took a chapter longer to realize she was being quite literal about her words :)
Thanks for the 2nd review as well and thanks for going into detail too!
OwlsCantReadchapter 4 .Jan 29
"It feels like a gut punch to have everything taken from our main characters at the drop of a beat. The scenes where both of them witness their families being slaughtered firsthand are very well done... and cruel. I could feel the despair and emotion emanating off of the two as the knowledge sunk in. If anything, I feel the buildup to the attack was lacking as it seemed to happen immediately.
The juxtaposition between playful Takari and her more vulnerable distraught side in this chapter is startling. If there's one thing of note, sticking with Nishir's POV means that we once again only have a superficial view of how Takari is reacting to the loss of her family, especially as Nishir's thoughts in the future scenes (and minor fourth wall breakage) imply that she ended up emotionally traumatised from the experience. With more focus on the present scene also leads to the establishment of the fact that our two orphans have been adopted by a new family. I do wonder how they managed to attain this goal."
Ah, you thought the build up was lacking too, huh? Any ideas how I could have done it better? :) And yes... cruel is a good description.
The one issue of the first person perspective is my lack of ability to full portray the darkness in her mind as she copes. I can only show what Nishir can see and what she is ready to share with him. Naturally, I use Nishir's keen sense to my advantage and have him "guess" a mental state right if I truly needed an accurate description.
Yeah, I think chapter 4 and onward should make the amount of trauma obvious.
You'll learn about that in chapter 6 :)
Thanks for the review! :)
Guest chapter 5 .Jan 28
"Chapter 3: You handled the attack in this chapter as well as in your novelization of the original film. Rather than it being tonally jarring, the light foreshadowing and speed of the attack is reminiscent of just how fast tragedy can strike in real life. I like how you handle dark subject matter in your stories; relying primarily on tone and the emotions of your character while providing just enough visual information so readers can picture the scene themselves. Furthermore, the change in Nishir and Takagi's personalities felt very natural. They were still recognizable as themselves but thrust into a deadly situation where they are completely helpless without one another. A theme you elaborate on perfectly in chapter 4.
Chapter 4: this chapter truly shows the depth to which you understand your characters. It was heartbreaking to see them break down after the massacre in a sequence that could have come from the original film in regards to tone. Everything you wrote here is relatable from their mixed emotions of despair and anger to more subtle things like the feeling of not wanting to ruin the mental image you have of someone you love by seeing them deal with trauma. This chapter was marvelously executed and I cannot commend you enough for how you handled these two characters finding solace in one another during their lowest point. Now that Nishir's veneer of embarrassment towards Takari is gone, it will be interesting to see how they survive the aftermath together. Both physically and emotionally."
Thank you very much! Since we've already had a rather long chat about these chapters during the proofreading process, I'll just say thanks for the review here! :)
OwlsCantRead chapter 5 . Feb 3
"Now that the horrifying climax of the attack has passed, this chapter focuses on the more low-key emotional impact of... well, depression. Takari is really dependent on Nishir, a huge role-reversal that really forces Nishir to take charge and put aside his discomfort.
I do like that how the flash-forwards are used in this chapter: it really shows the difference in Takari's mindset then and now. Her spunky behavior, which could be misconstrued as annoying in the earlier chapters, now almost seems like a relief. I did predict the withdrawn and traumatized behavior exhibited by Takari from clues in the previous chapter, but personally, I kinda expected for Takari to remain silent and suppress her feelings due to her personality. I also expected Takari to lash out more considering that Nishir seemed to have her somewhat in control considering that she lost her whole family, but I suspect that she is still stuck in the denial shock stage and will be doing something reckless in the next chapter.
The other thing I like is the present-day plotline with Greenie. It is interesting to see that the two friends' story is helping their new family possibly save another family from self-destruction. Again, I'm interested in Takari and Greenie's plotline in the future. :)"
I'm glad that you like the time skips that I've used. In order for their depression and sorrow to develop and mature, time was needed after all. I did debate making Takari suppress her feelings (or for Nishir who is a lot easier to be sensitive to these things), however I eventually decided to go for a dual mode for her. During those times she isn't responsive, she is repressing them but it always breaks out again and then she cries in a heartbreaking fashion, the fact that she is repressing them at times just making it worse whenever it does break out. Geesh how did you know she would do something reckless :P
I'm glad that you've picked up on the Greenie storyline that I began to introduce with greater detail in the chapter above. Let's just say you've probably been waiting for chapter 6 if her story intrigues you :)
Thanks for the second review as well!
The Rhombus chapter 4 . Feb 4
"The third chapter begins with the horrific scenes of our two protagonists watching the desperate final battle of their herd against their inevitable demise. Here we see both the swiftness of the battle, and the growing horror of the protagonists as they see their families disappear before their eyes. This is a difficult balance to maintain in writing a scene (as the quickness of an ambush can sometimes mute the emotional impact) but I think that you have done well here. Afterwards, we now see a distinct change in the mannerisms of our protagonists as Takari, who is usually the outgoing one, is now frozen with fear due to both the horror of their loss, but also the instinctual drives of her kind. Between the instinctual drives of fight, flight, or freeze, she is right now stuck in freeze mode. It says a lot about his character that he is able to keep his wits together during this time; only breaking down some time later when the full reality of the situation sinks in. The swimmers finally saying their goodbyes is a poignant moment and one that hopefully will allow them to accept the journey that they now must make. They are all that remains of their old herd... so it is up to them to go on."
The Rhombuschapter 5 .Feb 4
"This chapter to me is where your understanding of these two characters really shines through. Both of them are struggling to deal with their loss in their own ways, but with Takari is clearly having a much more difficult time coping. Her previous carefree world has been utterly shattered with the loss of everything she cherished, apart from one friend. A loss can be more devastating to an optimist due to them never considering such a dark possibility, and this is well illustrated here. It also puts Takari's mannerism into perspective. She may act annoying at times and tease her friend, but now these antics seem like a manifestation of resilience despite loss as opposed to an annoying character trait. Now that Nishir and Takari are with each other at this, the rock bottom of their lives, it will be interesting to see how they overcome the challenges that await them and eventually arrive at the valley.
I must also echo Owls' words here. The Greenie aspect of the present story is a promising one indeed. It has some promise to help another deal with her loss, while also being an additional element which unites the past and present stories together.
I look forward to seeing how things develop from here. :)"
Thank you for your thorough reviews :)
CHP3: I agree, it wasn't easy to write the ambush and I'm still not sure if it's perfect the way it is now. Due to the sheer chaos, I couldn't describe individual fights but rather just whatever Nishir's eyes were able to observe at that very moment, limiting myself to the most important things: Takari seeing her parents get overwhelmed and killed; Nishir seeing his siblings being hunted down brutally. I am glad that the emotional impact didn't drown in the chaos :)
Since others have pointed out issues with the transition into the ambush, perhaps have you also noticed something I could do better here?
Nishir seems weak initially but in the face of danger he shows his ability as others have pointed out as well.
CHP 4:
That is a big compliment, I am very glad to hear that you find my understanding of the characters to be very keen. I would like to quote a sentence from your review here because it is so so true. "A loss can be more devastating to an optimist due to them never considering such a dark possibility,"
As I mentioned to Owls, chapter 6 is what you should be looking forward to reading if you're interested in Greenie's story :)