This is a story about Jasper's journey of self-discovery with Lapis' help. It will contain some BisPearl, but mostly only in the sense that they will be seen together later in the story; the story is mostly Jasper-and-Lapis focused. Oh and of course it will contain Steven/Connie stuff since that relationship is canon now and those two will be in the story (although rarely in person in Steven's case for obvious reasons).
Like many other fans, I interpret Peridot as being both asexual and aromantic. But unlike a majority of fans, I do not ship Lapidot. Yes, I know it's the most popular ship in the fandom alongside Connverse, but personally I don't ship Lapis and Peridot.
This is also a prequel to my fanfic "Their Love Can Take Them Away Together" explaining how Jasper and Lapis ended up together by the time in which that story takes place.
Chapter One: Swallowing One's Pride
After needlessly headbutting her way back into her Little Homeworld residence, Jasper now stands still in her completely bare and unfurnished room in a state of deep contemplation.
Somewhere in the back of her mind she knows that Bismuth will doubtlessly scold her for creating yet more holes in the building for her to repair, but Jasper doesn't care about that; heck, maybe if she's lucky, Bismuth will see it as a reason to finally pick a fight with her, which is an opportunity that Jasper would relish.
But for once, thoughts of combat and "strength" are nowhere near the forefront of Jasper's mind. She just can't stop thinking about how Steven left her behind. Once again, Her Diamond has abandoned her; like mother, like son, but at least the son was honest about it. "Not that it matters," she thinks, "since My Diamonds always had the right to do as they pleased."
Seemingly to help herself sort through her own chaotic thoughts, she speaks aloud to the empty room:
"He doesn't need me; no one needs me. Not him, not the other Diamonds, not that pathetic new 'democratic' government on Homeworld, and not anyone here in Little Homeworld, either. No one here would care if I just left right now and went back to living alone in the woods; actually, I'm sure they'd all be happy if I did!"
"The only order My Diamond ever gave me was to 'find something better to do with' my life, but what does that even mean? The only good thing for a Gem to do with her life to fulfill her purpose and follow orders from her superiors, right? What could be 'better' than that?"
"I'm supposed to be a warrior, that's my function as The Ultimate Quartz; I'm supposed to be a soldier and follow My Diamond's orders, that's why I spent two years training until I would be needed again! So how could he ask me not to follow him? Why would he tell me to do something 'better' than following him and acting as his soldier, when that's what I'm supposed to do?"
"Sure, he was right when he told me that he doesn't need protecting; but that shouldn't matter! None of the Diamonds, as powerful as they are, ever actually needed protection, but they always had bodyguards anyway, because that's just the way of things. I should be there for him to act as his faithful shield and guardian, but he would rather set out alone while leaving me here with no purpose or direction!"
"Going to see the other Diamonds would be pointless; none of them are My Diamond. Even Yellow was just a temporary replacement for Pink, because Pink is the Diamond I was made for; Steven is the one with Pink's gemstone, so he is My Diamond."
"And besides, none of the other Diamonds have any interest in leading or giving out orders anymore; if I went and asked them to give me new mission objectives, they'd say something about how I'm 'my own Gem' now and should think and act for myself, just like Steven says. Just like him, they'd tell me there isn't any mission anymore."
Jasper heaves out a deep sigh, one full of frustration, regret, and longing, before continuing with her soliloquy.
"I'm not sure, but this probably isn't even the way I'm supposed to be thinking, is it? I'm not showing respect for the way My Diamond thinks, am I? He's the one who taught everyone, including the other Diamonds, that Gems should be 'free' or whatever, that allowing all Gems to 'vote' in 'elections' is apparently the 'proper' system of government."
"What in the world am I even doing, still thinking in ways that disregard My Diamond's wishes? If I keep thinking of this whole concept of 'freedom' as a bunch of nonsense, doesn't that mean I'm just ignoring what My Diamond would want? Damn it all, I'm not even sure!"
"AGH, I HATE THIS!" she bellows as she kneels and punches the floor, creating a small crater and localized earthquake, before standing back up.
"What am I supposed to DO? How am I supposed to be 'BETTER?' I can't just go back to training all alone, and I definitely can't go back to destroying all the puny Earthlings at my training grounds; I may have no idea what My Diamond wants from me, but I'm not so stupid as to think he would want me to do that!"
"I know he wouldn't want me to keep destroying stuff here in Little Homeworld until Bismuth gets angry and fights me; I want to fight her, she's the strongest brawler out of all the non-fusion Gems on this planet, but I'm pretty sure that Steven cares about both me and Bismuth and wouldn't want us to fight. Right?" She speaks that last word in a very uncertain tone.
Her voice grows quieter, nearly cracking like a pane of glass in the vicinity of one of Her Diamond's "screams," as she asks herself "So then, what should I do? What should I be?"
Realizing that she has no idea what she's doing with her life or who she even is anymore, Jasper slumps to the floor and slouches upon her haunches. A few tears start falling from her eyes.
Before she knows it, her head is in her hands as she heaves out great sobs of anguish, sorrow, and other emotions she can't begin to put her finger on. She sits upon the floor shaking and crying, weeping for the first time in thousands of years, for the first time since Pink was supposedly shattered.
She's not sure exactly how long she spends crying, but it's grown dark outside before Jasper finishes; it took her a while to vent all of her bottled-up emotions. Slowly regaining her wits as the last of her sobs die down, she once again speaks aloud to herself, this time in a wavering voice:
"Ugh, a-absolutely... disgusting. I'm... I'm the Ultimate Quartz, the ultimate soldier. Crying is a sign of... of weakness, and Quartzes are supposed to be strong and intimidating. How could I act so shamelessly like that? I'm truly... pathetic."
But even as she says all that, she feels unsure of her words, and deep down she knows she's just lying to herself. After all, the mighty Steven Universe, Her Diamond, has cried many times before, and he's stronger than anyone.
Besides, she's not even a soldier anymore. Having finally acknowledged that Her Diamond doesn't need her, she comes to accept the truth of what he told her several months ago, shortly before her first fight against him in his Pink State:
There's no one left to fight. Sure, there are people who Jasper would like to fight, like Bismuth or that goofball Spinel who's apparently as strong as she is ridiculous; but neither of those two is looking to pick a fight with anyone, and Jasper knows that Steven wouldn't want her to go and needlessly provoke them.
Having finished crying, Jasper sighs deeply. She wonders what her next step should be. Steven, Her Diamond, wants her to be "better." The fundamental issue is that she's not exactly sure what he even meant by that.
Based on everything he and the other Diamonds have done to bring freedom to the cosmos, Steven obviously didn't mean for her to go back to thinking of herself as nothing more than a cog in a machine, a simple soldier meant only to serve the purpose for which she was built.
Apparently, she's supposed to learn how to be free and to decide for herself what she wants out of life. But before she can start to figure out who she wants to be or what she wants to do, she needs to figure out how to truly think for herself. And Jasper has no idea how to even begin doing that.
Jasper suddenly realizes a very simple, very obvious truth: She's going to need to swallow her pride and go ask someone for advice. She nearly retches at the thought of asking anyone for advice besides Her Diamond. But as disgusting as she may find such a concept, she knows that seeking help and advice from others, seeking "support" as he always called it, is what Steven would say she should do in this situation.
All her pride as a lone warrior, as a soldier, is meaningless in this new era; she's finally begun to accept that fact. So she's going to need to abandon that pride and seek help from someone.
The question then is: Who can she ask for advice? Jasper may know on some level that her pride is foolish and no longer holds meaning, but she simply can't stomach the thought of asking anyone weaker than her for help.
That "runt" of an Amethyst from the Crystal Gems apparently teaches a class called "How to Decide Stuff for Yourself," but Amethyst is much weaker than Jasper, so there's no way that Jasper can bring herself to attend her class. Not only can she not stand the thought of seeking help from someone weaker than her, but she definitely can't stand the thought of allowing others to see her do so. She immediately rules out the idea of enrolling in any classes at Little Homeschool, even though Her Diamond has suggested several times that she do exactly that.
Rather than enrolling in classes, Jasper would rather privately ask someone for advice, but can't think of any viable options: Just like Amethyst, that Pearl from the Crystal Gems is, in Jasper's opinion, too weak to be worth speaking to. The permafusion calling herself a "Garnet" only once proved stronger than Jasper due to superior tactics rather than physical power (and obviously also because she's a fusion), so Jasper absolutely refuses to even entertain the thought of asking her for help.
There's the possibility of Bismuth, but Jasper has a feeling that Bismuth is at best equally matched with her. She's most likely capable of defeating Bismuth, especially after spending so much of the last two years training while Bismuth lived a life of peace. "No," Jasper says to herself, "if I'm going to ask someone for advice, it has to be someone definitely stronger than me like My Diamond is, someone who I'm certain can defeat me."
Spinel isn't an option; Jasper can't be sure of it, but based on the accounts of her abilities as a warrior, there's a very good chance that Spinel could defeat Jasper in combat via superior range, versatility, and speed. But based on the accounts of her personality, she's too goofy and immature to seek advice from. Jasper is also aware that Spinel seems to have some bizarre infatuation with Steven, a fixation on him that's different from Jasper's own, and she finds that strange and off-putting.
Jasper is at a loss; she can't think of any non-Diamond Gems who are stronger than her and could give her the advice she needs. But after a few more moments' thought, the answer suddenly comes to her.
Jasper says to herself, "of course, it has to be her." She'd only been thinking of other Gems' "strength" in terms of their ability as physical brawlers, and that caused her to overlook the most obvious choice.
Living right there in Little Homeworld, there's one Gem who's undeniably far stronger than Jasper. That Gem has been through her own journey of self-discovery and is close friends with Jasper's Diamond, so she should be able to tell Jasper what Steven meant when he said "something better." Jasper is thinking, of course, of the mighty Lapis Lazuli.
While Lapis' strength is unquestionable as the only non-fusion Gem to ever showcase power truly rivaling the Diamonds, Jasper knows there's a very big issue with the idea of approaching Lapis: Lapis clearly hates her. They were terrible to each other as Malachite, and Lapis later made it clear that she wants nothing more to do with Jasper because of how toxic their relationship was when fused.
These days, every time Jasper crosses paths with her in Little Homeworld, Lapis glares at her with obvious distaste before turning away and pointedly ignoring Jasper's presence. Jasper has made no attempt to talk to Lapis at all during the last few months; it's abundantly clear that Lapis still wants to avoid her, and Jasper knows better than to provoke her wrath.
So for good reason, Jasper wonders if Lapis will even be willing to talk to her. If she shows up at her door, Lapis may simply slam it in Jasper's face before she can say a single word, and if she tries to approach her out in the streets, Lapis may just fly away.
But it doesn't matter if the idea is a long shot, does it? Jasper had to throw away so much of her pride just to acknowledge her need to seek advice from someone, and Lapis is the only option who her remaining pride will allow. "I'll just have to gamble on the possibility that Lapis will hear me out," Jasper thinks, "because she's supposedly a... what did My Diamond call it... a 'good person,' yes, that's it."
Lapis is clearly no longer the same sadistic Gem who delighted in venting all her repressed emotions by imprisoning and torturing Jasper when they were Malachite. After all, she rejected Jasper's offer to become Malachite again only a couple months later, and according to Steven, more recently Lapis "has been doing much better" and "is a great friend."
So yes, Jasper decides, that's it. She'll go ask Lapis for advice, maybe even for actual help. She abruptly stands up; there's no point in delaying, she may as well go find Lapis right now and get things over with.
Striding out of her room and approaching the outer wall of the building, Jasper is about to break another hole through it (there's no sign of the two holes from earlier; that Bismuth sure does work quickly) before thinking something entirely new:
"No, My Diamond seemed unhappy with me when I broke things for no reason. I told myself that I need to start respecting the way he thinks. I should use the door. Maybe that's progress? I hope so." So she walks to the building's actual doorway and exits into the cool night air.