Chapter Two: Being Honest
As she walks briskly through Little Homeworld, all the Gems out in the streets actively avoid Jasper, whispering nervous gossip among themselves while giving her a wide berth like they always do; she hasn't actually attacked anyone since she started living here, but no one seems to want to take any chances, and her tendency for vandalism hasn't eased their concerns.
But Jasper doesn't care what all these no-name puny Gems think of her; as far as she's concerned, there are only two non-fusion Gems in this place possibly strong enough to be worth her time. Only one of those two is definitely stronger than her, the one whose residence she's currently making a beeline for.
Jasper soon arrives at the front door of Lapis' house. She starts to reach for the doorbell, but hesitates; even if she respects Lapis' overwhelming power, Jasper still loathes the idea of asking anyone besides Her Diamond for advice.
Maybe she should just go home? "No," she thinks, "My Diamond would say to 'reach out to someone for support.' He told me before our first real fight to let people help me, and I just scoffed at the idea; I still refuse to go to his silly little school, but that doesn't mean I can't privately ask for advice on an individual basis. Ugh, okay, that's it, I'm doing it!" She pushes the doorbell.
Some time passes. There's no answer. Jasper tries the doorbell again. After another minute passes, there's still no answer. There's no peephole, so Jasper knows that Lapis didn't decide not to answer after seeing her there; she just isn't home. Where could she be?
Jasper thinks for a moment before the obvious answer strikes her: Lapis is probably at that little Era 2 runt of a Peridot's place, since those two are still as thick as thieves even now that they're no longer roommates. After Steven left, they're probably "hanging out" as they call it in order to keep each other company. There's a good chance that Bismuth is with them; if no one is at Peridot's house, then Jasper will try Bismuth's place.
It's another short walk to Peridot's house, full of more awkward glances and whispers among Gems as they avoid her. Jasper can see that she was probably right, as there's a dim light flickering and changing colors shining from one of the windows, probably from one of those ridiculous Earthling entertainment-boxes; Jasper can't remember what they're called.
Jasper walks up and rings the doorbell. In Peridot's living room, the trio startles and Bismuth pauses the episode of "Disoriented" they're watching, asking "who could that be at this time of night?"
Peridot testily says, "agh seriously?! We were just getting to the big reveal of what the Anothers want with Jake!" Bismuth replies, "c'mon Peridot, it might be one of our friends, maybe they need our support right now."
Lapis says in a nearly-deadpan tone with just a hint of teasing, "I bet you hope it's Pearl, don't you?" Bismuth stammers at her, "w-what, w-why would I... oh come on Lapis, don't mess with me like that!" Lapis lets out a brief snort of laughter.
Bismuth continues in a hushed tone, "and keep your mouth shut about that, what if it is her and she could hear us? You know she's got really sharp senses! Don't embarrass me!"
Peridot pipes up and says, "I don't get it, why would Bismuth hope it's Pearl and how are you messing with her, Lapis?" Bismuth speaks again in a hushed and now exasperated tone, "never mind that Peri, you don't need to know! Ugh, stars, just drop it guys!"
Jasper saw the light from the television stop flickering through the windows, so she assumes the Gems inside are planning to answer the door. But after over half a minute she can't help thinking, "how long can it possibly take them to get up and come to the door? Are they having a whole conversation about it or something? I just want to get this over with."
Lapis says with a note of humor in her voice (but more quietly like Bismuth requested), "well oookay Bismuth, I'll stop teasing you about Pearl, for now." She and the other two stand up and exit the living room.
As they reach the front hallway, though muffled by the door Jasper can hear Lapis say, "whoever it is, this better be about something important for them to show up at almost midnight during our binge-watching. Maybe we'll get lucky and they left already."
"Well that sure is a great sign," Jasper thinks sarcastically; Lapis hasn't even seen her yet and is already irked by her presence.
Jasper grows extremely nervous, tempted to spin-dash back to the solitude of her home, as she hears the beeping sounds of Peridot's complex door-security-system being unlocked. The door opens, and she's greeted by the three Gems' faces. Lapis looks deadpan, Peridot has a clearly forced smile on her face (she's still annoyed for being interrupted during a plot-twist), and Bismuth has a genuinely friendly smile. Jasper notices that Peridot is wearing one of Her Diamond's old shirts.
Of course, as soon as they see who's in the doorway those two drop their friendly expressions; Bismuth takes a fighting stance and Peridot uses her powers to levitate some nearby metal objects, while the look on Lapis' face shifts to one of extreme annoyance.
Lapis speaks up while the other two stand ready for battle: "What do you want with us, Jasper?" She says Jasper's name in as hostile a tone as possible.
Jasper becomes defensive, desperately clinging to the last vestiges of her pride as she replies, "What I want is to talk to you, Lapis. Just you. I have no business with these two unless Bismuth here really does want to finally fight me." As soon as those words leave Jasper's mouth, she realizes they were a huge mistake.
Peridot's hackles raise and she looks extremely offended, while Bismuth seems about to say something (probably about how she'll take Jasper on anytime if it's to protect her friends), but before either of the two can speak, Lapis angrily replies to Jasper, her voice raised nearly to the point of yelling:
"Ugh, of course Jasper, I knew it was only a matter of time before you came crawling back to me! I assume this is because Steven, oh excuse me, 'Your Diamond,' left today, and now you need to find some other unhealthy way to feel complete, right? Well just like I told you last time, I'm not interested in becoming that horrible monster Malachite again just so we can compensate for our insecurities! So get lost before I make you!"
Bismuth and Peridot drop their fighting stances and stare in open-mouthed shock, awkwardly looking back and forth between Lapis and Jasper. Lapis says, "hmph, that's what I thought," and begins to slam the door in Jasper's face; Jasper catches the edge of the door with her hand and swallows the last bit of her pride in order to be honest for once, yelling pleadingly at Lapis:
"Wait Lapis, that's not it! I swear on My Diamond's, on Steven's name that this has nothing to do with fusion! I'm sorry I was harsh to your... friends just now. I'm not actually trying to fight anyone, I know that My Diamond wouldn't want me to! Please, just hear me out, I'm begging you Lapis!"
Lapis is tempted to draw some water from the nearest pipes and punch Jasper into the distance; it would certainly feel cathartic to do so. But the look on Jasper's face stops her from acting on that impulse. Jasper looks genuinely apologetic (Lapis never expected that) and sincere, and very upset; her face is scrunched up like she's in anguish and suppressing the urge to cry, and her eyes plead with Lapis to just listen.
Jasper also looks scared, although Lapis is probably the only person who knows her well enough to pick up on the traces of fear in her expression. Jasper knows better than anyone that Lapis could casually toss her away or beat her into submission at any moment, and knows Lapis well enough to realize that she's considering doing so. Lapis feels regretful and ashamed, just like after she snapped at those other two Lapises; she's so tired of inspiring fear in people. Isn't she supposed to be a better person now?
Lapis thinks, "if I really am a better person now, then I should hear her out like she's asking me to," and gathers her inner strength as she opens the door to its full extent again. As Peridot and Bismuth stand there awkwardly watching the drama unfold, she heaves out a sigh and replies to Jasper, this time in a softer tone:
"Alright Jasper, I'm sorry too, I should've known that if I snapped at you like that your pride would kick in and you'd get mean. I shouldn't have just assumed I knew what you were here for, and I apologize for that. We started off on the wrong foot just now, and that's actually my fault, not yours, so let's start over. I should probably start by explaining myself. Okay?" While she still looks nervous, the anguish and fear vanish from Jasper's expression, and she awkwardly replies, "uh, well, okay... go ahead."
Even though Gems have no need for air, Lapis takes a deep breath before continuing, as admitting what she's about to (and right in front of Bismuth and Peridot, to boot) is going to be difficult:
"I'm sure you already know this, but I don't like seeing you or knowing that you're around. But the truth is... it's that while you may be a jerk, the reason I avoid you is hardly because of you; it's mostly because you remind me of everything about myself that's awful and toxic. After Malachite, you've always reminded me of how much I enjoy making others feel helpless and weak, of how much I can enjoy... hurting people."
She takes another deep breath before continuing: "I hate being reminded of how terrible I can be. That's why I... snapped like that when I saw you and assumed you were here about Malachite. I haven't been fair by avoiding you like I have and snapping at you like that, when I know better than anyone what it's like to feel isolated and alone even with other people around. So... what do you want to talk about, Jasper?"
Bismuth has a deeply contemplative look on her face after hearing Lapis' confession, while Peridot looks shocked. She had no idea her best friend was bottling up such toxic feelings, and she assumed that Lapis avoids Jasper because she simply dislikes her. But then again, as the incident with Steven's televised dreams showed, Peridot never was good at reading people unless they laid things out for her in completely unambiguous terms. "Maybe I should directly ask people about their feelings more often," she thinks.
Jasper replies to Lapis: "Lapis, t-thanks for telling me that, it actually, uh... makes me feel less weird about coming to talk to you. What I nee... want to talk about, it's, uh... something really... private... and I didn't really think about, well..." She's clearly at a loss for words as she glances back and forth between Lapis and her friends with traces of fear visible in her eyes once more.
Lapis can tell that Jasper wants Bismuth and Peridot to get lost, but is afraid (Lapis again feels guilty that Jasper fears her wrath) that putting that into words will anger Lapis by sounding dismissive and hostile towards her friends again. Lapis sighs and turns to Bismuth and Peridot; both watch the scene with serious interest, although while Bismuth has a knowing look on her face, Peridot looks a bit confused.
Lapis tells them: "Guys, it's been fun hanging out tonight, but it seems like whatever Jasper needs to talk about is important. I need to do the right thing and hear her out, but she obviously isn't comfortable talking about it with anyone besides me. So keep watching 'Disoriented' without me, and just let me know how far you get so I can catch up on my own. It's been real. I'll see you tomorrow."
Bismuth solemnly nods her head and says, "alright Lapis, if that's what you think is best then I'll trust your judgement. It was fun hangin' with ya. Have a good night."
Peridot however angrily blurts out, "what the heck, Lapis?! Steven left less than half a day ago, and now you're gonna leave us to run off and have a chat with this... this clod?!" Jasper isn't offended since she couldn't care less what Peridot thinks of her, and Peridot continues:
"I'm guessing from the stuff you said that maybe you hurt Jasper as much or more than she hurt you, but come on Lapis, think about this. You know you can't trust her! Whatever you did to her is in the past, and you're a great person now, but she's still totally psycho! What if she tries to hurt you, or tries something... weird? You should just tell her to get lost like you said before and keep hanging out with me and Bismuth!"
Lapis holds up a finger towards Jasper signaling for her to be patient, and then kneels down to Peridot's eye level, placing a hand on her shoulder and speaking to her:
"Peridot, it's okay. I have a gut feeling that whatever Jasper needs to talk about is really important. What you just said can't be right; Jasper knows better than anybody that I can kick her butt if she tries to hurt me, and if she swore on Steven's name then she's definitely not lying when she says this isn't about fusion. I really appreciate your concern Peridot, you're a wonderful friend, but I'm gonna have to ask you to just trust me on this, okay?"
Peridot sighs and looks Lapis in the eyes, saying: "Okay Lapis, if you say so. But if you're wrong and she does try something funny, then just let me know and I'll give her a piece of my mind with my awesome metal-powers, okay?"
Peridot hugs Lapis tightly, and Lapis giggles a bit and says, "okay Peridot, thanks. I'll make sure to text you afterwards to let you know I'm okay." Lapis stands back up and says, "goodnight guys, I had fun." Peridot says, "see ya Lapis, just be careful! I'll let you know how many more episodes we watch! Byyye!" Since she already said goodbye, Bismuth stays silent, still with a contemplative look on her face.
Turning to Jasper, Lapis says, "alright, we can head to my place to talk." She steps out of the doorway and waves goodbye to Peridot and Bismuth, who close the door behind her.
Things are suddenly very awkward; as they stand on Peridot's front porch, the silence hanging between Jasper and Lapis feels as thick and suffocating as the bottom of the ocean where Lapis once held Jasper imprisoned.
Lapis hadn't really considered what it feel like to actually be alone with Jasper; well okay, she'd at least somewhat considered it, that's why she always avoided her. Lapis feels extremely self-conscious in the presence of this person who makes her feel so wrong and brought out the worst in her, a side of herself that fully manifested only once since then when she snapped at those other two Lapises.
Lapis' entire body tenses up; she holds the crook of her left elbow with her right hand and averts her eyes from Jasper, staring down at her feet. A feeling of immense shame and guilt overtakes her as she remembers things that she would rather forget.
Watching Lapis become so down on herself and appear so small and pitiful makes Jasper feel something strange, a feeling she can't come up with the words for: Empathy and sympathy. She's no genius at reading people, but she's no idiot either, and after a few months trapped with Lapis she knows how to interpret her body language.
Jasper thinks: "I admire Lapis for her strength and ferocity; someone with power rivaling the Diamonds themselves shouldn't look so weak and pitiful! Think Jasper... what would My Diamond say right now? He'd be a 'good person,' right? He always talked about 'understanding,' so... he'd try to understand what she's feeling and say something to help. Well, she's feeling... what was it again... guilt and shame because I remind her of how 'bad' she can be, right? What would Steven say if his presence made somebody feel ashamed because they hurt him in the past?"
The answer comes to Jasper, and she says something that's unlike anything she's ever said before. Although she's being honest, Jasper feels like she has to forcefully rip the words from her throat due to how warm and fuzzy, how nice they are:
"It's... uh... it's okay Lapis, all of it is okay. I... I really mean that. You know I hurt you too, it wasn't always just you. And I know you only acted like you did and hurt me because of all the time you spent as a prisoner in some stupid mirror. I don't hold any of it against you, and I f...f-forgive you."
Lapis' head snaps up towards Jasper in shock and she gasps, letting go of her elbow and relaxing her posture. She looks as shocked as anyone would if they heard Jasper say something so kind. In a faltering voice, she replies to Jasper: "D... d-do you... really mean that, Jasper? You really... actually... forgive me, even after I spent months taking out all my toxic feelings on you?"
Jasper looks Lapis straight in the eyes and replies, feeling like it's a bit easier to speak this time: "Yeah Lapis, I wouldn't say anything so... nice... if I didn't really mean it. And I really hate seeing you look so sad and pathetic, you know; strong and fierce suits you much better. You're probably the only non-fusion Gem in existence with power rivaling the Diamonds, so you should act like it and show more pride."
Most people would take offense at the way Jasper worded that, but Lapis knows that such a statement is high praise coming from her; it's a true compliment that wasn't meant to be backhanded. Lapis smiles softly in response and says, "thanks Jasper, that means a lot to me. The compliment too, not just the forgiveness. So, uh..." She suddenly looks a bit awkward; not upset anymore, just awkward.
Even though her thoughts still roil with self-doubt, this short conversation has restored much of Jasper's typical outwardly confident demeanor, so with noticeable swagger in her posture and tone she cocks her thumb in the direction of Lapis' house and says, "so... your place, right? Let's get going."
As she finishes speaking, Jasper turns on her heel and starts walking to Lapis' house. As she flies to keep up with the brisk pace set by Jasper's much longer legs, Lapis finds it fortunate that Jasper can't see her, because she can feel heat in her cheeks and is positive that she's blushing.
It's not like she likes Jasper in that way, their time together was the worst after all; it's just that Lapis has watched enough human television and movies to be familiar with the "your place or mine" cliché. Jasper obviously hasn't the slightest inkling of what her words seemed to imply. Lapis hopes that Peridot didn't convince Bismuth to crack a window to watch the scene unfold; Bismuth would now have the perfect material with which to get back at Lapis for her teasing about Pearl.
"Ugh, what am I even thinking," Lapis wonders as she follows behind Jasper to her own home, "it really isn't like I think about Jasper that way, and Bismuth knows that and respects my privacy. I must just be going a bit crazy because of how shocking it was for Jasper to be so nice. She did look kinda attractive with a kind look on her face for onc... okay what, what the heck Lapis, you're definitely losing your grip on reality, just stop!"
Lapis slaps her cheeks lightly and stamps out those thoughts as if they were flames; she calms down and stops blushing by the time they arrive at her home. She touches down on the front porch and uses her hydrokinesis to unlock the complex security mechanism that Bismuth built into the door.
The mechanism unlocks and the door swings open. Lapis steps aside and says, "after you," to which Jasper gruffly replies, "it's your house but sure, whatever" before striding inside. Lapis follows her inside and closes the door, setting the lock back in place.
Lapis steps in front of Jasper to lead the way to her living room, where she turns to face Jasper and with a smile says, "so would you like anything, maybe something to drink or-" but Jasper cuts her off by saying, "Lapis, you know that Gems don't require any form of sustenance and that unlike some of you Crystal Gems, I have no interest in trying such things."
Lapis suddenly feels just a tad bit foolish; she definitely already knew that. Ignoring that slight bit of awkwardness, she gestures towards the sofa and two extremely large armchairs in the room says, "so you can sit down if you like, or you can stay standing. Then you can tell me about whatever it is that's on your mind."
All of Jasper's outward confidence evaporates as quickly as it returned; with the mention of what she wants to talk about, she's reminded of how useless and pathetic she currently is. With an uncertain look on her face she replies in a subdued tone, "uh, yeah, I guess, I mean... I don't usually sit, but for this I feel like maybe I should."
Jasper awkwardly walks over to and sits down in one of the armchairs, and Lapis moves the other chair to rest a few feet away facing towards Jasper and sits down. Lapis says, "so what's wrong, Jasper? This has something to do with Steven leaving, right? I can tell it's something really important to you, so I promise I'll take you completely seriously even if I don't agree with your whole 'My Diamond' thing with him."
Jasper sighs; there's no point dancing around the subject, so although it's very difficult to force the words from her mouth, she just gets straight to the point and with complete honesty, explains her situation and asks Lapis about the question that's bugging her:
"Lapis, what does it mean if My Diamond told me to 'find something better to do with' my life? That's exactly how he worded it. He said it months ago, when he told me not to follow him to Homeworld when he went to ask the other Diamonds for help with his... outbursts. It's the only order he ever gave me."
Jasper sighs again before continuing: "I was hoping My Diamond would let me come with him as his bodyguard when he left, or that he'd at least give me further orders to clarify my mission objectives, but he didn't. Now I'm... confused. He always said that you're a close friend of his and that you're a 'good person' or something, so I thought that maybe you could tell me: What did he mean by 'something better?' You can take your time, I have a feeling this is probably a difficult question."
Author's Note: Yes, the show "Disoriented" is a reference to the real-world show "Lost."
I'm sure you all noticed that Lapis and Peridot are not roommates in this story. I figure I have leeway with this: Neither the movie nor Future ever showed us if Lapis and Peridot went back to being roommates upon moving into Little Homeworld. Therefore, I decided that they aren't roommates anymore for the sake of my story's plot; I love Peri as much as everybody else does, but it'll be easier for me to write what I want between Lapis and Jasper if Peridot isn't there to suddenly barge in without warning or hang around as a third wheel in Lapis' house, haha.
I figure that it makes sense anyway that Lapis and Peridot might not be roommates in Little Homeworld: Having their own houses gives each of them space without the other always breathing down their neck (that applies mostly to Peri breathing down Lapis' neck, haha). Meanwhile, it's not like they can't still see each other pretty much all the time: They live only a short walk away from each other, and Gems only sleep when they feel like it. Regardless of not being roommates, we can assume that Lapis is a regular fixture in Peridot's home and vice versa, and the same can be said of Bismuth.