Author's Notes for Chapter Three: Don't set your expectations too high for Jasper or get your hopes up too much yet, dear readers, and definitely don't expect any actual romance yet (I promise it will come in due time). Self-improvement is a difficult journey for someone like Jasper. Also be aware that this chapter will be the longest yet, as there's a lot for Jasper and Lapis to discuss; explaining concepts like empathy and "being strong in the real way" to someone unfamiliar with them is pretty difficult.
The notes at the end of the chapter are a good deal more important than this note here!
Chapter Three: What Does "Better" Mean?
Jasper sits waiting patiently for Lapis to answer. But as Lapis rests her chin in her hands while deeply contemplating the question, Jasper starts to fidget nervously, tapping her feet and twirling the ends of her hair between her fingers. She feels as if her pride has been almost completely annihilated by now, and as a result she feels extremely nervous and self-conscious.
Lapis is a bit surprised, but by no means is she shocked; she already figured that Jasper's issue was something along the lines of feeling like she had no purpose or direction without Steven around to give her one. What she didn't expect was for Jasper to want to know how to be "better" in the way that Steven would define the word, nor for the context to be what Jasper explained to her.
Maybe she should have expected the context, though; of course Jasper would interpret something Steven said in the heat of the moment during a mental breakdown as an "order." Obviously he said what he did to Jasper because he was feeling self-loathing and couldn't stand the idea of anyone looking up to him, least of all the person who he had just committed a nearly unspeakable crime against.
Lapis deduces how in that moment, Steven was probably only half-thinking, if even that much, about actually giving Jasper advice to better herself. But of course, Jasper takes everything Steven says and does completely literally and seriously. Lapis almost sighs but catches herself, as she doesn't want to give Jasper the false impression that she's disappointed in her or finds her concerns insignificant.
Lapis would normally tell any Gem seeking help and a purpose in life to simply enroll in Little Homeschool, where she herself works as a meep morp (she still thinks the word "art" sounds dumb by comparison) teacher alongside Vidalia.
But Lapis knows that Jasper is well aware of the school's existence and that Steven has recommended enrollment to her before; obviously, Jasper simply can't stomach the idea of publicly taking classes alongside other Gems, and she'd rather seek what one could consider "private tutoring." But Lapis can't help wondering: Why would Jasper come to her, of all people, in search of answers? Why would Jasper seek advice from the Gem who used her as a punching-bag for months on end?
After a few moments' thought, the answer strikes Lapis: It has nothing to do with how they used to be Malachite, and everything to do with how Lapis is so incredibly powerful while being close enough friends with Steven to properly interpret his words. Jasper respects authority, and according to her flawed mindset, supreme power is one and the same as authority.
Lapis should have picked up on it earlier when Jasper complimented her: As Jasper said, Lapis is probably the only non-fusion Gem in existence able to rival the Diamonds in power; while her physical body may lack durability, when applied to combat her hydrokinetic powers are far above the abilities of even the strongest combat-type Gems like "true" Garnets and Emeralds.
She was able to restrain Blue Diamond's physical might (although Blue was able to use her Aura to break free), and she even managed to restrain "Monster" Steven until he "screamed." She is, in fact, "The Ultimate Lapis Lazuli": Just like Jasper, every aspect of her creation in her Kindergarten was beyond ideal, and so she's far more powerful than other Gems of her type. Since Lapis Lazulis were made for terraforming entire planets, being the "ultimate" specimen means that Lapis is indeed likely more powerful than any Gem besides the Diamonds and "Pink State" Steven.
Lapis feels a bit uncomfortable upon realizing why Jasper came to her for advice. As she told those other two Lapises after she shamefully demonstrated her ability to casually defeat them, reliance on power is by no means true strength; strength comes from a person's mind and spirit, not from their ability to defeat enemies in combat.
She's aware that her discomfort arises from her own fear; she fears herself, fears that she will give in to her impulses and misuse her power to harm others, just as she once did to the very woman sitting before her. She feels uncomfortable because of her own weakness, not because of how Jasper views her; she already knew that Jasper is someone who respects power above all else.
Regardless of Jasper's faulty reasons for deferring to Lapis' judgement and "authority" on this matter, the fact is that Lapis now has a very special opportunity. It's an opportunity that she knows she can't squander if she wants to be the good person she aspires to be, the good person who her friends already believe her to be even after all the awful things she's done. She has an opportunity to teach Jasper how to be a better person herself, how to be truly strong, and how to be free. Lapis just hopes that she herself is strong enough to help Jasper.
She has a good idea of how to explain things like morality and ethics to Jasper, and Jasper seems surprisingly open to such concepts if her kind words earlier were any indication. What's going to be difficult is explaining to Jasper that she needs to stop thinking of Steven as "Her Diamond," and that she needs to stop thinking that supreme power grants superiority and authority.
She needs to find a way to explain to Jasper that Steven doesn't want to be anyone's boss or commander, that he wants Jasper's friendship rather than her subservience. To do that, she needs to find a way to explain to Jasper that "strength" and "power" are different concepts. She has a feeling that Jasper will react with anger and denial to such a claim.
At least she has a starting point; namely, the fact that Jasper demonstrated "better" behavior just a few minutes ago. Lapis can use that to segue into everything else; by giving Jasper positive reinforcement about how she already seems to be improving, she might be able to get Jasper to open her mind to further change.
After sitting and thinking deeply about all these things for a couple minutes while Jasper sat nervously stewing and fidgeting, Lapis finally replies to her, and Jasper sits stock still as she hangs on her every word:
"Well Jasper, you're right that the question you asked is a very difficult one with a complicated answer. I can tell you based on how well I know Steven that his use of the word 'better' probably meant a few different things all summed up in a single word. He probably wasn't putting as much thought into his phrasing at the time as you think he was, and I'll explain that later, but I know what he would tell you now that he's in a better place mentally. So, let's start with a bit of good news, really good news actually."
When Lapis pauses, Jasper hesitantly asks, "good news? W-what do you mean, Lapis?"
Lapis laughs lightly, a soft sound that Jasper finds pleasant ("since when did I like it when people laugh," Jasper wonders), and replies: "The good news, Jasper, is that from what I can tell, you're already doing 'better' in some very important ways! What I mean is that you're already becoming a better person!"
Jasper replies again, this time with a little less uncertainty in her tone: "Really? You think I'm... already doing 'better,' whatever that means? How, exactly?"
Lapis smiles at Jasper and says: "I'm talking about how when I was upset earlier, you said the right things to cheer me up. Very few people would be able to forgive someone for the things I did to you, so it really surprised me, in a good way, to learn that you forgive me. Then you even paid me a compliment; Jasper, the old you would never have been so nice! And you did all of that to help me feel better because you saw I was feeling down, right?"
Jasper averts her eyes slightly in embarrassment and answers: "Well I, uh... yeah, I mean, I just... I told you, I couldn't stand seeing you look so sad and weak. I really do forgive you for everything, and I wanted you to stop feeling bad, so I guess I... I tried to figure out what My Diamond would do in my place, and just said the kind of things I figured he would say. I'm... glad it worked."
Lapis isn't disappointed that Jasper was mostly thinking about what Steven would do rather than about actually being nice, because that's at least a good start; it's how the Diamonds started their own journey of self-improvement, after all, and by now they've reached a point where they genuinely want to atone for their sins by helping people with no input from Steven. So she smiles in response as Jasper forces her eyes back towards her face, and Lapis leaves out the important details about how Jasper shouldn't be relying on Steven as she says honestly:
"That really was nice of you, Jasper. Steven did almost always set a good example for everyone. I know this will mean a lot to you, so I want you to know I'm being completely honest when I say it, and that I'm positive it's the truth: Steven would be proud of you for how you considered my feelings and cheered me up earlier."
At this, Jasper's face becomes hopeful and she beams pridefully, saying: "Thanks Lapis, I'm really happy that you think me being... uh... 'nice' like that would make My Diamond proud, and since you're his good... friend, you probably know what you're talking about. So then, if you think I'm already doing 'something better,' then I guess what I should ask is, well... what else should I do now? How can I keep becoming better in a way that would make My Diamond proud?"
Lapis decides to address more general concepts of kindness and consideration before dropping the bombshell that Jasper isn't being considerate of Steven's own feelings, as she wants to soften the blow by covering all the good points before getting to the part that Jasper won't take kindly to:
"Well Jasper, what you need to do is to continue what you've already been doing. Stuff like how you stopped being mean to Bismuth and Peridot and admitted you didn't really mean it, or things like when you cheered me up by telling me you forgive me and paying me a compliment."
Lapis takes a brief pause before continuing: "The underlying concepts behind those kinds of things are called 'empathy' and 'consideration.' Steven is a very big believer in those concepts, and he helped me, Peridot, and others become better at putting them into practice. Do you know what those words mean, by any chance?"
Jasper looks a bit ashamed of herself, like her remaining pride has been wounded due to being out of the loop on something so important to Steven, and replies: "Uh, well, I've heard My Diamond use those words before, so I believe you that they're important to him but, uh... no, to be honest I have no idea what they mean. Explain 'empathy' and 'consideration,' now."
Lapis considers how Jasper's demanding tone was a step backwards, but knows her well enough to realize that such behavior is a defense mechanism. So without pointing out Jasper's poor choice of words, Lapis smiles and kindly replies:
"Well Jasper, 'empathy' is the ability to understand and share the feelings of other people. Some people call it 'putting yourself in other people's shoes,' but that's just an analogy. If you've heard about the new inverted version of White Diamond's power, well, that's basically a Gem-magic power that physically embodies the concept of empathy. Do you understand?"
Jasper thoughtfully considers those words and then slowly nods her head, replying: "Well, yeah, I guess I kind of understand. So empathy is trying to figure out how other people feel about stuff, I guess? Like how I had to understand your feelings in order to cheer you up before, right?" Lapis nods enthusiastically with a grin on her face, indicating to Jasper that she's correct.
Jasper continues: "Okay, so I guess I understand what empathy is. It's still something really... difficult for me, though. I may have done an okay job with it earlier, but that's probably just because I know you so well. I really only took back what I said to your two... friends, because I didn't want you to be angry at me."
She takes a breath before continuing: "And I was only able to understand your feelings so well and know to tell you I forgive you because you explained what your issues were with being around me. If I only figured things out after you already explained your feelings, doesn't that mean I didn't do a very good job with empathy?"
Lapis thinks for a moment and then replies: "Well Jasper, the ability to read people's emotions without having them explained is actually something related to but separate from empathy, and it's called 'picking up on social cues' or 'reading people.' Social cues are things like people's body-language, facial-expressions, and tone of voice. Being able to read people using those cues can definitely help a great deal with being 'empathetic,' as it's called, and some people like Steven are just naturally better at it. Are you following so far?"
Jasper nods and says, "yes, I understand, and I can tell there's some kind of catch. Continue."
Lapis replies: "The thing is though, there's nothing wrong with needing people to explain their feelings in order to be able to empathize with them. Please keep it between us that I said so, but that's how things work for Peridot; she's terrible at reading people and often misses the most obvious social cues from them. But she's a very good, very kind person and a great friend, my own best friend actually. When she does come to understand how someone feels, she shows great understanding and kindness, and that's what really matters."
"Whether you'll eventually become skilled at reading people in order to empathize, or whether you'll always need their feelings laid out clearly for you like Peridot does, is something we can't predict right now when you're only just starting to learn. I will say though that you showed promise earlier by reading my body-language to figure out that I felt insecure and down on myself. Does that make sense?"
Jasper deeply ponders Lapis' words for a few moments, and then nods again before saying: "Yes, I understand. I do hope to eventually become adept at the skill of 'reading people,' if that can help me to more easily be empathetic like My Diamond is. So I think you also mentioned something else, what was it... uh, 'consideration,' I think? What is that?"
Lapis answers: "Well Jasper, the act of 'consideration' or of being 'considerate,' as it's called, is when you put empathy into practice in your behavior towards others. It's called 'consideration' because it involves considering others' emotions in order to treat them in a way that people say is 'sensitive' to their feelings, in order to avoid hurting them or even to actively try to make them feel good. Do you understand?"
Jasper nods again and says: "I've often seen My Diamond show 'consideration' towards others by trying to ease their pain or help them in some way, or even by just trying to avoid hurting their feelings. He's even behaved in such a way towards me. So yes, I think I understand. And it seems to me, but correct me if I'm wrong, like I was considerate towards you earlier after empathizing with your feelings, right?"
Lapis happily replies: "Yes Jasper, exactly! Consideration may not come naturally and easily to you like it does to people like Steven and his girlfriend Connie, but it seems like you're perfectly capable of being considerate as long as you put thought into it."
Jasper bristles slightly at the mention of Connie. Lapis didn't consider that Jasper surely considers a "mere human" like Connie to be "unworthy" of Steven, or that Jasper has no idea what a "girlfriend" is or even what romantic relationships are; Lapis just naturally thought to mention Connie as one of the two most considerate people she knows. She chooses to ignore Jasper's reaction to Connie's name for now, continuing uninterrupted:
"You're right, you were very considerate earlier when you apologized for being mean to Bismuth and Peridot, and then when you cheered me up. Thanks again for the compliment by the way, it was sweet."
Lapis shoots Jasper a broad, toothy, genuine smile reaching all the way to her eyes, a smile that shows she feels truly grateful to Jasper for her kind words before. Jasper suddenly finds herself thinking that Lapis' smile seems dazzling, as dazzling as Her Diamond's smile but somehow different.
A word suddenly pops into Jasper's head: "Pretty." Jasper looks to the side to avoid Lapis' eyes as she's taken aback by her own thoughts. She has no idea why she would think such a thing or what it may mean, but what she does know is that she can feel heat rising in her face, and she's aware of what that means.
She thinks, "ugh, seriously, blushing? Disgusting. I must feel embarrassed because I was so uncharacteristically nice earlier." She's completely unfamiliar with the concepts of physical or romantic attraction, so she lacks the context necessary to interpret her own thoughts.
Lapis doesn't read much into Jasper's averted gaze and her blush, concluding like Jasper that it must be due to embarrassment. Lapis wisely pretends she didn't see anything, and speaks again:
"So yeah Jasper, that's about it as far as the general concepts of empathy and consideration go. You're already on your way to figuring those things out, and now that you know the words to describe and think about them, I have faith that you'll be able to keep improving! I'm proud of you, Jasper; you already came so far without even realizing it!"
As Lapis speaks, Jasper feels her blush fade and returns her gaze to Lapis' face. Jasper's heart swells with pride; it means so much to her to have the approval of someone so supremely powerful. Jasper proceeds to say as much:
"Thanks Lapis, it really means a lot to me to hear that someone as awe-inspiring and strong as you is proud of me. Like you said he would be for how I cheered you up earlier, do you think that My Diamond would be proud of me too?"
This question doesn't elicit the reaction that Jasper hoped for or expected; Lapis glances downward and looks a bit crestfallen, a small regretful sigh passing her lips.
"This is it," Lapis thinks, "it's time to address the real elephant in the room; it's time to try to explain to her what Steven really meant. I have a feeling this isn't gonna go well like the rest did." Lapis raises her head and locks eyes with Jasper; Jasper now looks deeply concerned, clearly dreading what Lapis might say.
With a regretful look in her eyes, Lapis replies: "Jasper, it's true that Steven would be proud of you for how you showed empathy and consideration towards me tonight, and for how you want to make an effort to better yourself."
Jasper looks hopeful upon hearing this, but Lapis continues: "But he wouldn't be happy about how your underlying motives all seem to connect back to the concepts of his approval and the way you define the word 'strength.' If you want to learn how to be truly empathetic and considerate, then you need to understand Steven's feelings, and I know him well enough to be absolutely sure that you're misinterpreting his words and intentions. I need to tell you something, a lot of things actually, and I don't think you're going to like hearing what I have to say."
Jasper looks even more apprehensive now as she says, "w-what is it, Lapis, what's the problem? How am I misinterpreting My Diamond's wishes?"
Lapis sighs again and says: "That's just it, Jasper. You need to stop thinking of him as 'Your Diamond,' or as any kind of authority figure or leader, and on top of that you need to stop thinking of 'strength' and combat ability as being the same thing, because they aren't." Lapis continues to regretfully look Jasper in the eyes as she allows her statement to sink in; she knows Jasper will almost certainly not react well.
Jasper looks confused, and her eyes glaze over for a few seconds as she takes time to process what she just heard. Her jaw hangs slack as the wheels in her mind slowly turn, the gears locking and clicking into place. Her jaw slackens and then drops as the shock sets in. Once she's processed Lapis' words, she reacts as Lapis expected she would:
With her eyes suddenly bulging and her face contorting into an expression of rage as her entire body tenses up, Jasper abruptly rises to her feet and glares down at Lapis as she yells:
"What do you mean that strength and combat ability aren't the same? That's nonsense! How dare you say that I shouldn't see My Diamond as an authority figure when he's my superior in every way! Are you trying to tell me that you aren't strong due to being The Ultimate Lapis Lazuli who can casually manipulate entire oceans and defeat me as easily as I can defeat the puniest of Earthlings? Are you trying to tell me that My Diamond wasn't strong when he demonstrated his absolute supremacy over me?! What in the world are you saying, huh? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, LAPIS!"
Lapis remains seated and looks up at Jasper with sad eyes as she begins a very long, mostly uninterrupted monologue ("there's so much ground to cover here," she thinks) in reply:
"Yes Jasper, that's exactly what I'm saying. The ability to defeat opponents with sheer, raw power is not true strength. I've actually proven myself to be very weak sometimes; you've seen my weakness for yourself when I spent months taking out all my negative feelings on you. Imprisoning you as Malachite using the weight of Earth's ocean wasn't strength at all, it was weakness; true strength is restraint, true strength is patience, true strength is kindness."
"While it's true that you're improving as a person, your motivations aren't the right ones. You should try to become a kinder, more considerate person for your own sake and for the sake of all people, not just because it's what Steven would want. The Diamonds, they used to think the same way you are now, except that they saw Steven as an equal rather than a superior."
"They spent two years supposedly improving themselves, and they did show more kindness to others, but they only did that because it was what Steven wanted from them, not because they truly recognized their need to overcome their tremendous shortcomings and become better people. It took time away from Steven in order for them to realize how flawed their way of thinking was. Once they became truly better, they came to understand the gravity of their mistakes, and that was when their powers inverted so they could begin to properly atone for their sins."
Jasper continues to stare down at Lapis with shock and rage written all over her face as Lapis calmly continues her monologue while making sure to place great emphasis upon certain words without taking an actually angry or hostile tone:
"Normally it would never be my place to speak for someone else like this, but since you've come to me asking what Steven meant about 'doing something better,' and since he was never honest with you about how he feels, then I'll be honest with you for him."
"You talk about Steven 'demonstrating his supremacy' over you, right? Well I know exactly what he did to you, he told me about it because we're so close and because he knew that I of all people would understand what it's like to lose himself in mindless violence. What he did to you was terrible, it was the epitome of weakness and he himself agrees; he murdered you Jasper, and he thought it was permanent because he didn't even know at the time that it's possible to restore shattered Gems. Can't you calm down and see how terrible it is that he murdered you?"
Jasper screams down at Lapis in indignation: "OF COURSE I CAN'T SEE THAT, because there was NOTHING TERRIBLE about it! My Diamond can do as he pleases, and that includes shattering any lesser Gem if he wants to! I dared to foolishly disrespect him by calling him weak, so he demonstrated his complete superiority by shattering me, and then saw fit in his gracious wisdom to attempt to revive me! What's wrong with that? It's how things should be! And you're right, you shouldn't be speaking for him, why should I believe you about how he feels, HUH!?"
It takes every last bit of Lapis' strength to not stand up and begin screaming back at Jasper, but Lapis refuses to allow frustration and anger to overtake her right now; besides, she expected Jasper's reaction to be hostile. So she remains sitting and continues her monologue calmly while placing emphasis on her words:
"Jasper, Steven was never honest with you because he was trying to be considerate towards you like we talked about; but he's too nice for his own good, so he'd rather shoulder all the guilt himself than dump any of it on you! You're being inconsiderate towards Steven, and your mindset is unhealthy! You need help, and I'm trying to help you, but I can only do that if you'll let me."
"I apologize if my words seem harsh, Jasper, but here's the truth that I know you don't want to hear: When Steven told you to 'find something better to do with' your life, he didn't just mean to become a better person, he meant that he doesn't want to be 'Your Diamond' if it means having authority over you, and especially not if you perceive him as having authority because he was able to shatter you!"
Jasper looks even more angry as Lapis continues:
"You keep talking about what he would want, right? Well what he wants is for you to stop perceiving him as some kind of infallible god! Why do you think the other Diamonds gave up their authority and now spend almost all their time helping people? It's because Steven helped them realize that they aren't gods, that they have flaws and made mistakes, that they spent eons committing terrible crimes that they now need to spend eons atoning for!"
"I played a part in the Diamonds' crimes, I used to terraform entire worlds; later I committed horrific crimes of imprisonment, violence, and torture against you, and more recently I lost my mind to the point that I nearly shattered a pair of other Lapises. As much as I like to believe that I'm a good person, and as much as my friends have faith in me, I know that if pushed to the brink I may become violent again, and that makes me feel ashamed."
"Well, just like the Diamonds and just like me, Steven isn't perfect, and like me he committed a horrible crime against you! Do you really think Steven was being 'gracious' or 'wise' when he revived you? There was nothing wise about him at the time, all he had was blind panic and hope that he would be able to fix the terrible mistake he made! He was hardly even thinking at all!"
Rather than calming down, Jasper looks even more indignant as Lapis forges onward:
"All that incident left him with, Jasper, was the burden of guilt, regret, and shame, a burden I myself am all too familiar with. When your response to being shattered and revived was to kneel before him and call him 'Your Diamond,' he hated that because it made him feel even more guilty and ashamed! You should have been upset with him for what he did to you, and by revering him for it instead you really messed him up. When he went to Homeworld, he nearly attempted murder again, you know."
"I'm telling you this because I know you can keep things to yourself. Steven hasn't kept it secret anyway, and he'd be okay with you knowing if it means you'll stop idealizing him, so listen closely: He was so unbalanced at the time that he nearly shattered White Diamond by using her own power against her when the opportunity for revenge presented itself. He only barely held himself back."
Jasper remains angry, but upon Lapis' big reveal just now, she now looks about ten times as shocked. Lapis continues with her monologue:
"The incidents with you and White were the final factors that pushed Steven over the edge into thinking of himself as and shape-shifting into a monster, Jasper. Of course he isn't an actual monster and never was. Alongside Connie, who I know you despise because you mistakenly think she's unworthy of him, Steven is in fact the most wonderful and strongest person I've ever known."
"But however amazing Steven may be, he was never perfect, Jasper; as strong and compassionate as he is, he's still just a poor half-human boy who was horribly traumatized by the experiences he went through and the responsibilities he had to take on when he was far too young. Our messed up species dumped all of our problems and burdens on him, and he even ended up dragging Connie, a full-blooded human, into the horrible mess us Gems left for him to clean up."
"The two of them are the most wonderful and strongest people I know, but everyone has a breaking point, Jasper. In Steven's case, when all of his trauma pushed him over the edge it led him to do some terrible things that he finds it hard to forgive himself for, which is something that I can understand."
"Like I said, since you came to me asking what Steven meant, and since he was never honest with you, I'll be honest for him, because he and I have talked about these things and he's told me exactly how he feels. The fact is that he hates that you treat him like he's superior to you, Jasper! He wants to be your friend, not your leader and certainly not some kind of supreme overlord! All that poor, sweet, kind boy ever wanted from anyone was friendship, support, and love, and the last thing he wants is an underling."
"There's one last very important thing about Steven that you're missing in your failure to empathize with him and consider his feelings, and that's his human side. He left because he wants to learn how to interact with and live among humans in places where they aren't used to Gems, and that's why he couldn't let any Gems go with him. He spent his childhood among Gems dealing with Gem issues, and now he wants to learn what it means to be human, because however much you may want to think of him as a Diamond, the fact is that he's only half-Diamond, Jasper."
"Gems don't have parents, but Steven has a father who's human. Steven's body isn't a hologram projected from his gemstone, it isn't an illusion like our bodies are. His flesh, blood, bones, and most of his organs are human, while his gemstone is a vital organ that holds the rest of his body together."
"Not only does Steven have a human father and a human body, he's also chosen a human girl as his closest companion and fusion-partner, and you have no right to find that disgusting or see her as unworthy, Jasper! He's the only one with the right to decide who can have a place in his life. You talk about respecting him, but if you really respected him, then you would respect the entirety of who he is rather than just half of him, and you would respect his choice to have both Gems and humans in his life."
"Finally, the truth is that it's absurd that in the end this came down to me talking at length about Steven: If you want to be a better person, it should be about you, and he shouldn't be a factor other than being the one who got you to recognize your need to improve. Contrary to popular belief among many Gems, the universe doesn't revolve around him; the other Diamonds eventually had to accept that fact, and you have to accept it too."
Before Jasper can cut her off, Lapis finishes saying what needs to be said, whether Jasper is willing to believe it or not:
"Jasper, I don't want you to get the wrong impression. I know some of my language just now was very... strong, but I'm not angry at you. I'm not even actually upset with you, and neither is Steven. Both he and I empathize with and feel great sympathy for you; you're stuck thinking about the universe in an outdated way that even the Diamonds have come to realize is fundamentally flawed."
"Please Jasper, just consider what I'm telling you and don't give in to your rage. True strength isn't the ability to fight, it's the ability to control your impulses and recognize your flaws, so I'm begging you to control yourself right now. If you really want to be 'better,' then you need to accept what I'm telling you. You need to learn what true strength is, you need to learn to be Steven's friend rather than his lackey, and you need to accept people for who they are. I can help you learn how to be friends with Steven and with other people, if you'll let me I ca-"
It's at this point that Jasper has finally had enough and forcefully cuts Lapis off by screaming in her face, having an outright apoplectic fit by now:
"SHUT UP, Lapis, just SHUT UP! SCREW YOU! What do YOU know? You PITY me, huh? W-"
Lapis tries to interject: "Jasper, sympathy and pity aren't the sa-"
Jasper interrupts again: "I told you, SHUT UP! How DARE you pity me, and how DARE you say that My Diamond does too! Why should I believe you when none of this is coming from MY DIAMOND, HUH!? I thought you could help me, but you don't care at all about what I think, you just want to brainwash me now that Steven isn't here! Well I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR TRICKS AND YOUR MIND-GAMES, Lapis! I see the truth now, that you still just want to control me and imprison me like when we were Malachite!"
"Like I said, SCREW YOU, go find some other Gem to brainwash! I know what real strength is, and I can't BELIEVE you would be so pathetic as to spout some nonsense about how you're somehow weak; that I could at least forgive you for, but how DARE you say that MY DIAMOND was ever weak! How DARE you say that his actions in proving himself to be my superior were weakness! How DARE you say that some pathetic human female is somehow as much better and stronger than me as My Diamond is and is somehow worthy of being his companion!"
Jasper takes a deep breath before she continues screaming angrily: "My Diamond's traumatized you say? Well he never told ME anything about that, so I DON'T BELIEVE IT! I'm done with this, the last thing I need is to listen to you spout a bunch of nonsense and try to convince me to abandon my loyalty, when what I REALLY need is to figure out what the mission objective is that My Diamond gave me! I CAN'T EVEN STAND TO LOOK AT YOU NOW! I'm LEAVING, and DON'T try to stop me!"
Jasper turns her back and spin-dashes out of the room at superhuman speed, busting a hole straight through Lapis' wall. As soon as she's outside, she jumps as far as she can into the distance, and then keeps jumping; she's heading to her training grounds because she can't stand being in Little Homeworld anymore. Jasper refuses to accept the things that Lapis told her. She needs to let off steam by destroying a whole lot of boulders, although out of respect for Her Diamond's wishes she'll at least refrain from harming any organic life.
Lapis watches her leave sadly. The truth is that while she expected Jasper to get angry and storm off, she hoped that Jasper would be willing to believe her and listen properly.
Lapis could have physically prevented Jasper from leaving, but such an act would give Jasper the satisfaction of thinking she's right about "strength," and would reinforce her belief that Lapis is trying to control her. Aside from that, Lapis simply didn't have the heart to try. She may have expected Jasper to get angry, but she didn't expect (although she should have) Jasper's words to be so hurtful.
The logical part of Lapis' mind tries to tell her that the things Jasper said were all just a knee-jerk reaction due to Jasper's pride-driven defense mechanisms kicking into high gear. She knows that when that happens, Jasper responds by either physically attacking people or trying to get under their skin with insults, and Jasper knows better than to try to physically attack Lapis.
But however much Lapis tries to tell herself that Jasper didn't really mean those things, the statement about Malachite, the accusation of wanting to imprison and control her, cut as deeply as possible to the very core of Lapis' own insecurities. Her mind is in chaos; she can feel her old companions madness and misery creeping up on her like beasts stalking their prey. Like Jasper did before, she speaks aloud to herself just so she can process her own thoughts:
"She doesn't forgive me, and she doesn't think I should have pride. She's taken back those nice things she said to me. She hates me and thinks I'm awful. And she's right, I am awful. She may have been wrong about me lying, I may have told her the truth about everything, but I'm a horrible person who's done terrible things. I terraformed planets, I imprisoned and tortured Jasper for months, and I would've shattered those other two Lapises if Steven hadn't been there to bring me back to my senses."
"And now I hurt Jasper again. If I'd put more thought into it, I'm sure I could've worded things better, been less harsh, found a better way to ease her into things instead of being so blunt, but because I failed to do so she'll probably go back to being all alone. Because I screwed up and hurt her again, she may never learn how to improve herself. Who am I to explain to anyone what it means to be empathetic or considerate? I... I'm the worst. I'm a monster."
She speaks those last sentences in a broken voice, and tears begin to gather in her eyes. The mighty Lapis Lazuli, the woman so seemingly accustomed to sorrow that she was able to resist Blue Diamond's old powers, breaks down in tears while sitting in her armchair, burying her head in her hands and sobbing mournfully as her mind succumbs to madness and loneliness like in the past.
Reality isn't merciful enough to let her cry herself to sleep, since Gems don't require sleep. So she spends the rest of the evening crying until the break of dawn when Bismuth and Peridot come to check on her (Lapis hasn't texted to check in like she promised) and see the state she's in. They run inside through the hole Jasper put in the wall and attempt to comfort their dear friend.
Jasper, meanwhile, spent the entire evening completely annihilating all the largest boulders and rock outcrops that she could find. Having vented her rage through violence, all she has left now is her sadness and loneliness. Slumping to the ground in her cave as dawn breaks, she thinks, "what do I do now that no one can help me?" She then thinks "I really am weak and pitiful," descending into self-loathing as she openly weeps for the second time in less than twenty-four hours.
Important Notes: I warned you not to set your expectations too high or get your hopes up too much yet, folks! Sure, I could have had Jasper make a big turn-around in this chapter, but that wouldn't be realistic; "Future" was about realism when it comes to psychology and journeys of self-discovery, although it did conveniently ignore the fact that Connie was a child-soldier like Steven and by all rights should be traumatized too (which I had Lapis hint at briefly). I promise things This will obviously be a long fanfic, because someone as stubborn and set in her ways as Jasper won't be able to change drastically overnight. I do promise that things will start looking up again in Chapter 4. As Avatar Aang once said to Avatar Korra in another franchise that I love, "when we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change."
If you think Lapis was being too harsh or spent too long on her monologue, well: Lapis is very blunt with people, and while she usually isn't long-winded, she knows it's about time that someone told Jasper the difficult truths that she doesn't want to hear. As much as he's improving thanks to therapy and his loved ones' support, it's obvious in the finale that Steven hasn't been honest with Jasper about his issues with her. Since Jasper outright asked Lapis what she believes Steven thinks and feels, Lapis takes it upon herself to speak on his behalf while noting that under most circumstances she wouldn't have the right to do so.
As for the stuff Lapis said about how it's absurd that she had to talk for so long about Steven in order to make her points to Jasper and how he shouldn't even have to be a major factor in all this: There was an entire episode ("Little Graduation") largely devoted to making the point that Steven isn't always the central character or even present for every story that unfolds, and that neither the other characters nor us viewers should fall into the trap of thinking the universe revolves around him. Steven won't be around for most of the events of my story just like he wasn't present for whatever went down between Lars and Sadie, and this is the last and only chapter in which he'll be such a prevalent topic of discussion except for when he makes actual appearances. He will, however, be a major character in this story, although most of his appearances will obviously be by video-chat.