Notes: SO ABOUT WHY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO POST THIS CHAPTER: I've been working on it concurrently with Chapters Nine and Ten, as well as doing a good deal of outlining for Chapters Eleven, Twelve, and Thirteen, and even a little bit for Fourteen and Fifteen. The reason I've been taking such an approach should become clear once I've posted everything up through Chapter Eleven or Twelve, as at that point you'll see how this chapter and the subsequent ones interconnect with each other.
There's also been real life stuff making it so I've had less free time than before to work on this fic (just because I've already worked on it a lot doesn't mean you should expect Chapter Nine soon), haha sorry everybody. I promise though that this fic is not dead, it'll never die until it's over, and even then that just means I'll go back to finally revising and then continuing "Their Love Can Take Them Away Together!" I also have some ideas for more fanfics after that!
I promise that the only way any of my fics will ever die is if something unanticipated happens where so many real life responsibilities pile up that I no longer have any time for fanfics, OR if I ever get a genuine case of eternal writer's block. If such a thing ever happens, then I'll inform my readers of it.
My real world friends who mostly think fanfics are lame: "This will pass, he'll eventually just burn himself out."
Me channeling Ruby: "That's what YOU think! I AM AN ETERNAL FLAME, BABY!"**SMASHES TABLE**
This is a long chapter, all in one part. It has a lot of spoken dialogue, a lot of internal dialogue, and a good deal of metaphor and philosophizing.
Chapter Eight: Her Lapis
Lapis sets her phone down on a wireless charger on the dresser before surprising Jasper by sweeping her into a hug around her waist (since Lapis' arms are too small to encircle her chest) and forming her wings, twirling Jasper around the room as she takes flight.
She spins Jasper around a few times, leaving the big burly Quartz confused but happy before she touches down and sets Jasper back in the chair. Lapis places her hands upon Jasper's shoulders and looks her straight in the eyes as she beams and tells her: "Oh Jasper, I'm so proud of you right now, for so many reasons! I knew you could do it, I had faith that you could be strong and work things out with Steven! Just look at how much you've learned in such a short time about how to understand and support other people... you managed to get through a conversation with Steven about your traumatizing past history with him, and the two of you were strong enough to come out the other side of that difficult conversation as friends with a strong bond!"
Lapis removes her hands from Jasper's shoulders and lifts slightly off the ground with her wings to hover in the air (she literally can't stay grounded when she's this happy) and starts to ramble excitedly: "Jasper, you said that you see the beauty in Earth and organic life now, oh my gosh that's incredible, I'm so happy for you! You were able to explain something that initially made Steven uncomfortable, but in a way that he and I understood and made him feel good about himself."
"My stars Jasper, he'll be happy from now on when you give him the Diamond Salute! Do you realize how amazing that is?! I'm overjoyed for both of you!" Lapis blissfully performs a few spins and twirls around the room before coming to rest again, grinning from ear to ear as she hovers a few feet above the floor in front of Jasper.
Jasper's thoughts are jumbled; she can't seem to come up with actual spoken words at the moment, but she does know two things: First, she made Lapis smile that smile again, the one that lights up Jasper's entire world, and it looks wider, more genuine, and more beautiful than ever. Second, she really likes having to look up at Lapis; she once again thinks that even the Earth's beauty can't compare to Lapis. "Lapis looks GLORIOUS right now as she smiles and looks down upon me," Jasper thinks, "she looks so radiant and powerful that she's like a... a GODDESS. How did I of all Gems get so lucky as to have someone so amazing care so much about me?"
Jasper remains oblivious concerning the nature of relationships extending beyond friendship, so unlike Lapis she isn't startled and doesn't engage in denial when she has such thoughts. She correctly sees and accepts her thoughts as natural, while remaining ignorant of the fact that she's thinking about Lapis in far more than just a "friendly" way at this point.
It does strike Jasper as possibly concerning that she enjoys when Lapis looks down upon her, and she briefly wonders if that could be some kind of manifestation of her trauma and desire to serve. After a moment's consideration she thinks, "no, I don't think that's it, because I do see my friendship with Lapis as mutual and equal. I just like seeing her in a position befitting her power, and I like it when she takes the lead on things; a dominant role suits her well. There's nothing wrong with me liking that as long as I don't see her as a commander or master. I like looking up at Lapis because I respect her power and strength so much, it's similar to how I'm friends with Steven but still salute him."
Some instinct tells Jasper that the situation with Lapis is also very different from her situation with Steven, that Lapis is now even more important to her than Her Diamond is, and that it's okay if she wants to serve Lapis (such as guarding her when she sleeps) even after abandoning her role as a soldier. But she can't put her finger on the nature of that instinct any more than she can put her finger on why she feels it would be a very awkward, bad idea to voice all those thoughts. Jasper does find it surprising that Lapis is somehow even more important to her than Her Diamond is; but she doesn't mind feeling that way since she now has a healthy friendship with Steven.
Lapis continues smiling, but grows a bit concerned since Jasper is spacing out; she's staring up at her with a strange, satisfied looking smile on her face and a half-blank look in her eyes. Lapis abruptly snaps her fingers to get Jasper's attention. Jasper startles at that and Lapis giggles and says, "heeey there, Homeworld to Jasper, you still with me down there? You've been spaced out for like, half a minute. I didn't overwhelm you, did I?"
As Jasper snaps back to full awareness, she bashfully rubs the back of her neck and blushes as she says: "Uh... um... y-yeah, heh, s-sorry about that Lapis, I don't know what came over me. Maybe you did overwhelm me, but in... in a good way by saying all those nice things." Jasper can't identify the emotions that make her blush and stammer; all she knows is that it has something to do with how dazzling and gorgeous Lapis looks as she hovers above her.
Still refusing to acknowledge her own feelings, let alone to even entertain the thought that Jasper might reciprocate them, Lapis watches Jasper blush and stammer and thinks, "oh dear, she must be embarrassed that she spaced out like that, maybe I shouldn't have pointed it out."
Jasper regains her composure rather quickly; she stops blushing, remaining seated and crossing her arms as she looks up to make eye contact with Lapis and says in a calmer tone: "I'm as glad as you are that the talk with Steven went so well, it's wonderful to be friends with My Diamond now. As with everything else, you were right Lapis, having a connection and understanding him feels much better than trying to be some lackey he never wanted. I'm also grateful that he helped me understand you better, and that he helped me understand myself, even if what he helped me understand is, well... kind of a... a bad thing." Her confident demeanor dissipates with those last few words, and she lowers her arms back to the chair's armrests as she breaks eye contact.
Lapis' countenance turns gravely serious and she retracts her wings to touch down upon the ground, causing Jasper to look back towards her as she briefly thinks, "aw dangit, now she's at my eye level again." Lapis takes a couple steps forward, stands to the left side of Jasper's lower legs since the Quartz remains sitting, and somewhat awkwardly (due to the size of the armchair and of Jasper herself) leans forward to draw Jasper into a hug, draping her arms over Jasper's shoulders and around her neck to grasp gently at her upper back. As she hugs Jasper, Lapis rests her head upon the burly Quartz's shoulder.
Before Jasper can voice her confusion over Lapis' latest surprise-hug, Lapis says: "Oh Jasper, realizing that you're traumatized isn't a bad thing. The trauma itself, I know how that's bad, but like you talked about with Steven, recognizing that you have an issue is the first step towards healing. You know that Steven wasn't able to start getting better until he stopped living in denial. And the same was true for me. It's okay to be hurt Jasper, it's okay to be... warped... it's okay to know that you need to try to bend yourself back into... into a shape where you can... can function."
Lapis chokes up by the end of her statement, and Jasper feels a few drops of water land on her shoulder; Lapis is shedding tears for her sake, or perhaps for both their sakes as well as Steven's. To Jasper's surprise, unbidden tears begin to well up in her own eyes. Suddenly she feels as if a cracked and leaking dam, one she'd been subconsciously patching up for millennia but had never truly fixed, has finally been breached beyond hope of repair.
Jasper's dam nearly failed four times during just the last few days. A large crack formed when she wept over Steven's departure. Another breach occurred when she flew into a berserker rage and wept at her training grounds. And the dam nearly failed twice earlier this very evening, first when Jasper realized the gravity of her sins, and again when she had a flashback. But with each of those breaches, she'd managed a makeshift repair and then ignored the dam and the rising waters behind it by focusing on other matters like befriending Lapis and Steven.
But each of those cracks, as well as all the other damage (fighting in the war, Malachite, corrupting, being shattered, and so much more) sustained during the thousands of years leading up to this point, left the dam increasingly damaged regardless of her shoddy patch-up jobs. With her new level of emotional self-awareness, she can no longer keep fixing the dam while pretending it was ever sturdy or should've been constructed to begin with. After over five millennia of being buffeted by the floodwaters of Jasper's trauma, the dam of her denial finally collapses.
The flood pours forth and rages through the valley of Jasper's mind, and the waters crash and rip through her psychological landscape. She gasps out a choked sob, raising her arms to wrap them around Lapis and burying her face against the crook of Lapis' shoulder. She desperately grasps at Lapis' middle back, nearly pulling her down into the chair with her as she weeps.
Jasper chokes out broken words between sobs: "L... Lapis, i-it's... it's just... i-it's so... it's t-too much, it's too h-hard to be this way... to kn-know that I'm t-this way... I... I... I never was in a shape where I could... could function... t-there's no shape to bend myself... to bend myself back into... because I've a-always been warped, I've always been... b-broken! F... from the moment I burst out of the g-ground, I-I've... I've b-been... I've j-just been me!" She breaks down completely, her words failing her as she laments her very existence and clutches desperately at Lapis as if she's the only thing keeping her from being swept away completely by the flood.
Lapis' heart breaks for Jasper; this is so upsetting, and she's tempted to bawl noisily herself. But she stayed strong for Steven during his breakdown when his dam collapsed (thank goodness Jasper doesn't have Diamond-powers like Steven's that affect her surroundings when her dam leaks and transform her into a monster when it collapses), and she stays strong again now, crying softly and silently because Jasper needs her to maintain her composure.
Lapis understands very well what it's like to be broken, but Jasper is correct that she doesn't understand what it's like to have always been that way, because very long ago, Lapis was still mentally healthy. She can only try to imagine how terrible Jasper's anguish must be; she attempts to envision what it's like to realize that from the very instant she burst from the ground she was immediately broken by her first experiences. Lapis figures it must be unbearable to only now realize such a thing after so very long; no wonder Jasper always preferred to live in denial.
Lapis rubs soothing circles on Jasper's upper back and the nape of her neck as she speaks soothingly to her: "Oh Jasper, that must've been awful. But it'll be okay Jasper, I promise that things can get better and you can be okay, because I'm here for you, and Steven's there for you, you have friends now who support you. We can help you through this, I can help you through this. I may not know what it's like to be broken from the beginning, but I do know what it's like to feel broken beyond repair. But you aren't beyond repair, you can heal Jasper. I know from my own experiences and from Steven's that if you work through your feelings with the support of others, you can recover from a broken state."
"And Jasper, you already are recovering and getting better. Just in these last few days, you've proven that you can get better even in such a short time, that you can change to be able to function in society. Even before this moment tonight when you cast aside your denial and fully acknowledged your issues, you already started to become better! You've made friends now, Jasper; the old you who was still completely broken would've never opened herself up to forming such bonds!"
Jasper's sobs are just a bit quieter now, and she manages to speak again as she says against Lapis' shoulder: "B-but w... w-what if... what if I r... revert, Lapis. L-like you s-said, i... it's only been a c-couple days! What if I g-go b-back, back to being the j-jerk I was before? W-what if I dr... drive y-you and Steven away by being awful again? W-who... who will support me then!?"
Lapis continues to comfortingly rub Jasper's upper back as she replies: "Jasper, if you revert to your old ways then I'll still help you, and I guarantee that Steven will too. I didn't give up on Steven even when he became an actual monster, and he and I won't ever give up on you, because we'll never abandon a friend. We've seen that you can be good and truly strong, so even if you do go back to your old self, we'll help you become better again, because we have faith in you just like you said you have faith in us! Jasper, I promise you that no matter what, I'll never forsake you; as for Steven, he never gives up on anyone! We are the Crystal Gems, and Crystal Gems never give up on our friends!"
Lapis doesn't mention that she plans to take it upon herself to help Jasper rather than letting Steven bear any of the burden. She knows that Steven would be all too happy to help Jasper with her issues, but that itself is part of his issues; focusing on others and shouldering their burdens is Steven's most unhealthy coping mechanism. Sometime soon she'll explain to Jasper that while he'd want to help, actually asking Steven for help would be unfair to him at this point; but now isn't the time to explain that.
Jasper's crying quiets significantly; she pulls away a bit and gently pushes Lapis back so she can look at her. Lapis still has a few tears leaking from her own eyes; Jasper can see nothing but sympathy and sincerity in her expression, but she still asks her: "Do... do you really mean that, Lapis? You... you'll never give up on me...never abandon me... no matter what?"
Lapis wipes her eyes with a forearm, sighs, and places a hand on Jasper's shoulder as she looks into her eyes and says: "Oh Jasper, of course I mean that, you know I wouldn't lie to you. And honestly, I have a gut feeling that you can stay strong from now on. Jasper, I trust that you'll never go back to the way you were before; you might slip and fall a couple times along the way, because that happens to the best of us, but I believe that you'll keep moving forward. And I'm positive that Steven would say the same thing."
"You're strong Jasper, stronger than your pain and trauma. You may not be able to see the road ahead of you clearly, but I can see it; it's a path leading ever onward into a bright, happy future in which you can heal and you'll never have to be alone ever again. If you really do believe in me Jasper, then also believe in yourself, because I believe in you!"
Jasper stopped crying altogether about midway through Lapis' pep talk, and she gapes at Lapis in open-mouthed shock as she tries to process the fact that this woman standing before her has so much empathy for her and so much faith in her. The floodwaters of her trauma still fill the landscape of her mind, but she no longer feels the need to build some dam to hold them back. Just as she can do with real water, Lapis calmed the flood of Jasper's anguish. The hurt remains, but the waters now lie still, no longer raging and churning violently. Perhaps with enough time, Lapis can help Jasper make those waters recede.
Jasper tries to process the fact that this awe-inspiring goddess of water and kindness thinks that a pathetic Gem like her who's always been broken can piece herself together into a strong whole and then stay that way. Maybe she isn't a weak and pathetic excuse for a Quartz, maybe she's already strong like Lapis believes she is. Like Lapis said, if she believes in her friend then maybe she can believe in herself.
She suddenly has a blinding revelation: This woman, this goddess, is Her Lapis. She's not sure why that sentiment feels different from how Steven is Her Diamond, but she knows that she should accept this feeling that Lapis is the most important thing in all the cosmos to her. She had an inkling of that earlier when she realized that Lapis is even more important to her than Steven, but now she realizes that Lapis matters more to her than anything. Even the significance of the concept of strength (however much she may have redefined it) that was always the most important thing to her, now pales in comparison to Lapis.
She knows that such a thing seems crazy, because they've only been true friends for this one night, and yet it's not crazy because they've known each other for far longer. Jasper would do anything for this woman. She understands and accepts that Lapis is her friend, her equal; but nevertheless she worships Lapis, not because some arbitrary hierarchy and rules tell her that she should, but because she wants to worship her. Jasper wants to see Lapis as a goddess; but not as some perfect goddess who stands above her as a commander like how she once viewed Steven, but rather as a realistically flawed but still divine being who stands above her to inspire her and lift her up so she can believe in herself and stay strong.
Jasper doesn't know how to put all of that into words in a way that won't make Lapis uncomfortable; even she isn't dense enough to think that Lapis will like it if she tells her now that she sees her as a friend and an equal who is somehow also a goddess. But what Jasper can do is a make a promise, one that will help her friend, her goddess, her savior and teacher, with her own trauma, fears, and insecurities; even goddesses have issues, Jasper figures.
Lapis waits patiently as Jasper gapes at her for a while, since the Quartz is clearly deep in thought and processing very chaotic emotions. Jasper's face suddenly takes on a determined expression and she rises from the chair to stand towering over Lapis at her full height.
This time it's Jasper's turn to suddenly sweep Lapis into a surprise-hug, wrapping her left arm around Lapis' waist and using her right hand to gently cradle the petite blue Gem's head against her chest. She imitates the way Lapis physically comforted her during their previous hug by caressing the small of her back and stroking the nape of her neck and back of her head.
But Lapis rubbed Jasper's back the way she did because Jasper was having a breakdown and needed to be comforted. Jasper has no idea that the way she's hugging Lapis is very intimate; she's just doing what feels right to her in the moment. As Jasper embraces her, Lapis blushes a deep navy blue and stammers against the Quartz's chest, "J-Jasper, w-what are you doing all of a sudden, I... uhhh." Her words fail her. While continuing to hold and caress her, Jasper gruffly replies, "I'm showing that I care about you too, Lapis."
Lapis remains at a loss for words as she tries desperately to avoid thinking about how Jasper's embrace feels more significant than anyone else's. This feels very different from when Steven, Peridot, Connie, or Bismuth hug her. She tries to deny the existence of the part of her mind which insists that being held like this by Jasper is what she really wants, what she really needs in her life. But she feels so secure in Jasper's arms that it's impossible to ignore the part of herself that wants to stop holding back, to melt into the embrace and maybe, just maybe, stand up on her tiptoes, reach her arms around the back of Jasper's neck, pull her face down towards her own, and... "NO," Lapis thinks, "that's insane! I can't, I WON'T!"
Lapis isn't blissfully naive like Jasper; she knows exactly what a crush is. But even if Lapis can recognize such feelings, this is her first time experiencing them. As Jasper continues to intimately embrace and caress her, Lapis can no longer keep lying to herself: She's crushing hard on the big burly Quartz. But these new feelings terrify her, and her confusion and trepidation are compounded by the fact that these feelings crashed down upon her in only a couple days. She can't keep lying to herself about how she feels, but she isn't sure if she wants to feel this way, or if she even should feel this way.
Lapis feels that not only has this crush developed shockingly quickly, but now isn't the right time for it. The fact that she briefly considered trying to further her physical closeness with Jasper makes Lapis not only scared, but ashamed of herself.
"It wouldn't be right," Lapis thinks, "Jasper's confusion about Steven and Connie's relationship makes it obvious that she has NO knowledge of romance, and she's in a very vulnerable place psychologically these days. She may have also been abusive and in the wrong herself at the time, but in the past I already DID once take advantage of her physically in order to satisfy my fleeting, selfish impulses; I'm so glad she's forgiven me and trusts me now, and I CAN'T betray her! I REFUSE to take advantage of her naivety and vulnerability based on some crush that's come on so quickly that I'm not even sure if it truly extends beyond physical attraction!"
But even as the logical part (or is it the illogical part driven by fear and shame? Lapis isn't sure of anything) of her mind thinks those things, another part of her doesn't wish to cooperate. Her bold, impulsive side nags her to do something with her arms rather than just dangle them at her sides, to reach up and run her hands over Jasper's burly arms and shoulders, to weave her fingers through Jasper's hair, to take her by the hand and dance with her even when knowing what may result. Lapis' jumbled thoughts are a paradox: Everything feels wrong, and yet everything feels right. She needs Jasper to let go of her right now before she does something crazy; and yet she wants Jasper to keep holding her forever.
After several seconds (or is it minutes? Lapis can't really tell), the war within her mind reaches a ceasefire when Jasper ends the embrace and draws away. She places her hands upon Lapis' shoulders, peering down to lock eyes with her. Lapis summons the iron will that allowed her to resist Blue Diamond's old powers, steeling her mind in preparation for what's coming; whatever Jasper is about to say will likely only increase Lapis' liking for her.
Jasper has a deadly serious look on her face as she voices those of her thoughts that she figures won't make Lapis uncomfortable: "I'm not just showing you that I care, Lapis. I'm also making a promise. Just as you promised me, I'll never abandon you no matter what. Furthermore, I swear that I'll always protect you Lapis." Jasper unknowingly echoes some of Lapis' own thoughts as she continues, "this may all seem crazy considering that we've only been friends since earlier tonight, but even if it used to be in a bad way I've known you for much longer than that."
"Lapis, I never imagined that I would feel such... closeness, such a deep bond with anyone. You're special to me, somehow more special to me than anything or anyone else, even Steven. So I want you to know that you're always safe with me around. My power may pale in comparison to yours, but I can at least boast of being incredibly durable; only power like that which you and the Diamonds possess is able to poof me or damage my gem. Thanks to Steven's explanation, I now know that the comparative fragility of your body causes you fear."
"So I give you my word as both a friend and a warrior that if you want me to, I'll shield you from any harm, at any time, not only when you sleep. Never again do you have to live in fear, Lapis; if you ever feel paranoid, if you ever need help to feel safe, come find me. I don't see you as an authority figure, but if you want me to I'll follow you anywhere, at any time, so you can feel safe."
Lapis gapes up at Jasper in astonishment; she can hardly believe what she's hearing. "This can't be possible," she thinks, "she's offering exactly what I've wanted for so long, but was too ashamed to ask anyone for. Is she really offering to protect me, to help me feel safe, whenever I ask her to?"
It takes everything Lapis has not to cry as she thinks, "she is, she really is. This is crazy, there's no way, it's like something out of a dream. I WANT to, but is it OKAY to take her up on her offer? Wait, that isn't the right question; of course it's okay, because she's offering this as a friend rather than as a subordinate. The real question is... Am I okay with ADMITTING that I want to take her up on her offer? Ugh, come on Lapis, she's patiently waiting for you to say something, you can't just stand here and gawk at her like an idiot."
Lapis makes up her mind to just be honest, replying: "Jasper, I... thank you, thank you so much. That's the kindest thing that anyone has ever offered or done for me alongside when Steven freed and healed me. Honestly I, uh... for a long time I've secretly wished that someone would offer to... to essentially be my on-call bodyguard... but I was just too... afraid and embarrassed to tell anyone. I was scared that it would seem selfish of me, and that people would find it ridiculous since I'm so powerful."
Lapis tenderly removes Jasper's hands from her shoulders, allowing her own arms to fall to her sides. She awkwardly shuffles her feet, blushing and avoiding eye contact as she continues: "Jasper, I'm, uh... I'm really honored and flattered that you care so much about me, that I'm so special to you. You... you matter a lot to me too. You're right that we've only been friends for the shortest time, but I feel like maybe... you might be my closest friend now. Just... please don't ever tell Peridot that I said so, okay? She's still my best friend too, it's just that... I feel like you understand me better than she or anyone else does, and it seems like I understand you better than anyone else does... I'm able to tell you things that I'm not comfortable admitting to anyone else."
Lapis thinks to herself that maybe it's not so ridiculous after all that she's developed a crush on Jasper so quickly, and that while still only a crush at this point, her feelings definitely extend beyond mere physical attraction. But she still feels that it's far too soon to bring something like romance into the mix, and that it wouldn't be right since Jasper is currently so vulnerable.
Lapis is far from oblivious; having acknowledged her own feelings, she can now see that Jasper shows obvious signs of reciprocating them. But she justifiably fears that Jasper's feelings may be suspect and mistaken due to her current state of psychological vulnerability. She wonders if Jasper is experiencing misplaced attraction due to how Lapis has stood as her beacon of hope during this trying time, perhaps combined with some lingering feelings of dependency stemming from their toxic past together as Malachite. Lapis is paranoid enough to question whether even her attraction might be misplaced.
All these thoughts race through Lapis' mind in a few seconds while Jasper waits patiently for her to continue. It takes Lapis just a moment more to decide upon her course of action: She'll keep being here for Jasper as a friend, and nothing more. She decides to wait patiently to see if her feelings stick, and until Jasper is no longer in such a delicate transitional state; at that point, if she finds herself still attracted to Jasper, she'll confess her feelings. Lapis is even more patient (most of the time, anyway) than most Gems, so she figures that if Bismuth can keep carrying a torch for Pearl for centuries without driving herself insane, then she can easily wait as long as necessary to see how things play out with Jasper.
Jasper correctly deduces that Lapis' pause is so she can think things over, although she thinks it's only so Lapis can decide whether to take her up on her "bodyguard" offer, so she stands patiently waiting for her to continue. Truth be told, Jasper is a bit nervous though, and starts to fiddle with and twirl the ends of her hair (since when has that been her nervous habit, she wonders) while gazing down at Lapis who continues to avoid eye contact. Jasper stops fidgeting when Lapis abruptly looks up and locks eyes with her before continuing:
"S-sorry I had to spend so long thinking, Jasper. I think that like you said... that maybe... the fact that we've grown so close so quickly has something to do with how we already knew each other... because of all the time we spent as Malachite. I know that time was horrible, but... thanks to that we know and understand each other in ways that no one else does. We've seen the worst and weakest sides of each other, the sides that we try to keep hidden from everyone else, and now that we're friends we've accepted and forgiven each other even after all that."
"But now, we've also seen the best sides of each other. Jasper, you once brought out the most awful part of me, but now you've brought out what I like to believe is the greatest part of me, the part of me that's strong, the part of me that can help people, that helped you learn to better yourself... and I'll always be proud that I was able to help you, Jasper. And now I've seen the best side of you, too... the side of you that's strong, compassionate, and protective. I've seen that you're able to be a wonderful friend."
"So Jasper, I don't mind at all that you've come to see me as more special than anything else, it actually makes me really happy that you feel that way, it makes me feel like... like I really am special. And I'll take you up on your offer, if it really is what you want to do. I don't always feel afraid, and on a logical level I know I have nothing to fear, but... my fear doesn't always make sense, because it's actually paranoia like you said... so when... when I am afraid, I... I'll do what you said and come find you, so that you can make me feel safe and protected. Because when I'm with you, I do feel secure. Again, thank you Jasper. You're an amazing friend."
As Lapis says all that, Jasper feels her self-confidence grow to entirely new heights; by the time Lapis finishes Jasper has forgotten all of her insecurities, and she feels completely self-assured. She stands tall in her "usual" posture with her arms crossed and a cocky, genuinely confident grin upon her face; Lapis can't help blushing as she gazes up at Jasper and thinks, "oh my stars, she's so HOT when she stands and grins like that. Hmmm, it feels nice to be honest with myself about my thoughts. There's no denying it anymore, I have the same 'type' that Pearl does: I like 'em BIG and IMPOSING."
Jasper replies: "Of course Lapis, it'll be my pleasure to protect you. As I told My Diamond, I'll always have my pride as a warrior no matter how much I change, and there's nothing I take more pride in as a warrior than my resilience. If my physical toughness can help you feel safe, then that makes me truly happy; to be needed again as a warrior, only now for the right reasons, for a friend, is a wonderful feeling. You're incredible and awe-inspiring, and if you've always secretly wanted a guardian then you deserve to have one. So once again I give you my word; I swear upon my pride as a warrior that I'll lay down my life if needed to protect you."
Lapis looks very grateful, but nevertheless the blush drains from her face and her eyes widen with distress; she averts her eyes again and shuffles her feet, taking hold of the crook of her left elbow with her right hand as she stammers in reply: "J-Jasper, no, please, I... I didn't mean... I wouldn't want you to die for me, that's... I couldn't have that on my conscience, I mean, I-"
Jasper's face takes on a stern look as she abruptly cuts her off: "Enough of that nonsense, you know something like this isn't just about what you want! I've learned enough from Steven and that mother bird to know that the strongest people will put their lives on the line to protect what they care about."
Jasper's face softens as she continues: "You're taking things the wrong way, Lapis. I don't want to die for you, I'd much rather keep living as your friend. What I'm saying is that I won't hesitate to do what must be done in a worst case scenario. You know that such a decision is mine to make, Lapis. You put your life on the line to help your friends fight the Diamonds even when you knew they were too powerful for you to defeat, and you risked your life to help Steven when he was a rampaging monster. You would lay down your life for the people you care about, and so would I."
Lapis sighs and raises her eyes to look at Jasper again, smiling a bit sadly as she replies: "You're right, Jasper. When people care about each other and are truly strong, then they'll do anything to protect each other. But that also means that if there ever is another real threat, then I...I will..." Lapis balls her fists at her sides as her sad smile shifts into one of fierce determination, a fire lighting in her eyes as she finishes by saying: "I'll put my life on the line for you too, because that's how much you mean to me Jasper! When it comes to protecting me when I'm afraid, all I ask is that you watch my blind spots! I promised I'll never give up on you, and I meant that when it comes to any scenario; I'll support you in your journey as a person and in the heat of battle!"
Jasper grins down at Lapis with respect for her as a fellow warrior, replying: "Heh, now there's a look I like to see on your face, and those are words I enjoy hearing you say! I've told you Lapis, strong and fierce is a look that suits you, and happiness suits you far better than sadness." Lapis blushes deeply and forces herself to maintain eye contact while she inwardly squeals with glee. She thinks to herself, "EEEEE oh my stars, Jasper basically just complimented my appearance again, and she looks and sounds so TOUGH, she really is sooo HO... oh my gosh what the heck Lapis, you're like a schoolgirl with a crush in a shojo manga, no wonder Steven and Connie can't help teasing you! Ugh, at least it's better than being in denial, and thankfully Jasper is clueless."
Other than her blush, Lapis maintains her composure as Jasper continues unabated: "So I suppose if there ever is another threat, you and I will just have to put our lives on the line together and watch each other's backs to protect each other. From what I've seen of you Crystal Gems, I'm pretty sure that's how friendship works between warriors like us, isn't it?"
Lapis' blush subsides and she chuckles for a few seconds, grinning at Jasper as she replies: "You're right Jasper, that's exactly how things work! I just hope it'll never come to that. I really hope that the days when I and the other Crystal Gems have to fight are over with by now, because I'm sick and tired of fighting." Her face turns serious by the end of her statement, and she heaves a sigh. She may be one of the five most powerful people in the universe, but she really is tired of battles. All she wants is to live a peaceful life with her friends from now on.
Jasper surprises Lapis with her reply, as she sighs as well and says: "Yeah, I think I... I'm sick and tired of real battles, too... especially since battling from the moment I was created is what broke me. The last time I did fight without me or my opponent holding back, things got very... out of hand, and it... it didn't end well for me or My Diamond." Jasper's eyes abruptly glaze over and she loses focus on Lapis and the world around them. Lapis knows the look of someone starting to have a flashback; it's the same look Jasper got on her face at one point during her earlier conversation with Steven, only this time with her eyes open. Lapis' heart breaks again for her friends as she thinks, "oh stars, her shattering seriously did screw both her and Steven up badly."
Before Lapis can provide comforting support to bring Jasper back to reality, the Quartz snaps herself out of it and continues speaking as if there was no pause; Lapis wisely pretends she didn't notice anything as Jasper continues: "It'd be nice to spar with strong fighters, I'd like to ask your friend Bismuth to fight me without our lives on the line so I can see what she's made of... a friendly rematch with Garnet could also prove enjoyable... and it'd be nice to meet Spinel and spar with her someday, too... but as far as fighting with my life on the line goes, I think I'd rather not have to do that anymore. I'll always keep up with my training to stay prepared in case my power is needed, but like you said, I hope we'll only see peaceful days from now on."
Lapis lunges forward and hugs Jasper (who's starting to grow accustomed to surprise-hugs) and after a few seconds pulls back and smiles that smile again before telling her: "Oh Jasper, I'm so glad to hear you say that, it's exactly the way that I and the rest of the Crystal Gems think about fighting! That attitude towards battle is the true strength we've been talking about, and you really have become strong!"
Jasper smiles pridefully again when Lapis says this, and Lapis continues: "As far as sparring with Bismuth goes, I know she'd love that, because she's said that she'd like to spar with you sometime! As for sparring with Spinel, I can see why you'd want to since she's powerful, skilled, and has a very unique fighting style, but... she's extremely emotionally unstable, Jasper. You'd have to ask Steven or the Diamonds if they think that sparring with her would be okay... I don't know her well, but they do. What I do know is that Spinel's trauma is very similar to mine, but she's worse than me when it comes to... snapping. Like I said, you'd have to ask Steven about it."
"And yeah, I'm sure that Garnet would like to spar with you! She already regularly spars with Bismuth, and she'd probably enjoy a three-way free-for-all with you, her, and Bismuth. I'd honestly find that fascinating to watch; personally I'd bet on you to win, but don't tell them that." She chuckles and grins at Jasper.
Jasper somehow looks even more cocky and prideful when Lapis says that, but Lapis sees some uncertainty in her eyes when thinking more about the idea of sparring with Garnet. Lapis continues: "And yeah, I know that before you can ask anything like that of the original Crystal Gems you'll have to work things out with them... but remember what Steven and I said, they're great people who will readily forgive you."
The little spark of doubt fades from Jasper's eyes, but before she can reply, Lapis keeps speaking: "Anyway, I'd also be happy to help you train by sparring with you!" Lapis smiles, but after a moment's thought her expression falters; in a small, uncertain voice she continues: "I... I-I mean, if... if you think that'd be okay... if my powers wouldn't... trigger you." Lapis' voice fades to barely more than a whisper by those last two words as she wrings her hands and looks down at her feet with a guilty expression.
Lapis is shocked when Jasper responds with a very intimate gesture: She tenderly takes hold of Lapis' chin and gently turns her face upward to make eye contact. Lapis blushes more heavily than she ever has in her entire life up to this point; as Jasper holds her chin and gazes into her eyes, Lapis gapes up at her and thinks, "oh stars, KEEP IT TOGETHER, Jasper doesn't know what she's doing! RESIST the urge to nuzzle against her hand, don't do it, DON'T!" As the last of Lapis' self-control slips away, Jasper lets go of her chin ("oh thank goodness, one more second and I might've really done it," Lapis thinks) and places her hand gently upon Lapis' shoulder while maintaining eye contact.
Jasper ignores Lapis' blush, which she figures is simply due to embarrassment, and smiles a lopsided, cocky, mischievous grin (Lapis nearly swoons) as she looks into her eyes and says: "What'd I tell you about looking sad and pathetic instead of happy and strong, Lapis?" She removes her hand from Lapis' shoulder and crosses her arms again as she continues to smile down at her.
It takes Lapis a couple seconds of slack-jawed gawking before realizing that it wasn't a rhetorical question, and she awkwardly stammers: "Y... y-you said that you d... don't like when I l-look sad and w-weak... th-that you prefer to see me h-happy and strong."
Jasper naively assumes that Lapis' stammer is due to lingering guilt and uncertainty (she remains clueless concerning Lapis' actual plight) and says: "Damn right I said that, and I meant it! You," Jasper emphasizes the word by poking Lapis in the center of her chest before crossing her arms again, "always look amazing, but you look best when you're smiling or kicking ass, not when you get all down on yourself!" Lapis feels like her face is on fire now. Jasper is basically flirting with her and doesn't even realize it.
Lapis gapes idiotically at Jasper while blushing madly, thinking "oh my gosh she's making this SO hard, this time she flat out told me she finds me attractive," but Jasper continues unabated once she's satisfied that Lapis is no longer moping: "Anyway Lapis, I'm sure you're right about everything. As far as sparring with you goes, I think it'd be very enjoyable since I'd be able to go all out without hesitation. I don't think your powers will be... triggering, as long as I'm expecting them. Of course I can't be sure of that, but I have a gut feeling that it'll be fine, and I'd definitely like to fight you sometime."
Lapis manages to regain most of her composure, her blush fading significantly as Jasper continues: "That's the thing, for me it'd be a real fight, not just a spar, but I wouldn't have to worry since we're friends and I trust you. It'd give me a chance to hold nothing back, but without the concerns of a real battle with lives on the line. Heh, you're welcome to even try to poof me if you're willing to take things that far, it's not like I'd mind and it'd make things all the more challenging for me if you put in that much more effort; I can take a whole lot of punishment, after all."
Lapis again gapes in shock at Jasper as she thinks, "did she seriously just say she'd be fine with me trying to POOF her? I guess I should've expected that from Jasper... she does relish the idea of a challenge... but being poofed HURTS, and it's SCARY... although I guess most Gems aren't nearly as scared of poofing as I am..."
Before Lapis can speak up on the matter, Jasper continues: "Of course, it won't be a real fight for you, Lapis. If you have your guard up, I'll never even be able to get within arm's length of you no matter how hard I try. That sounds like fun; you can spar to train your skills if not your raw power, while I can fight without holding back and without worrying about consequences. Heh, I'm sure you'll have to hold back a lot even if you do try to poof me. The Ultimate Quartz vs The Ultimate Lapis Lazuli won't be a fair match for the Quartz, but that's all the more reason why I'd like to give it a shot."
Lapis replies: "Wow Jasper, that's a lot to take in... first of all, thank you so much for cheering me up l... like you did, I, uh... y-you're a good f-friend." Lapis blushes heavily again as she stammers, recalling Jasper's oblivious flirting, but quickly gets a grip on herself and continues with a smile on her face and only a faint blush across her cheeks.
"I should've known that the idea of sparring with me would excite you so much. I suppose a match between us could be really fun. I'm very hesitant about the idea of trying to poof you, but I guess I could consider going that far if it's really what you want; it's not like these hard-light projections are our real bodies or anything, they're just holograms with mass. But it's painful to get poofed, so I'm uh... I'm not sure, I'll get back to you on that. Anyway yeah, no matter what I'll honestly have to hold back a lot against you like you said, heh."
Lapis grins and her eyes gain a fiery, mischievous spark as she says: "Just lemme know if you ever want a real challenge and if I don't have other plans, I'll be happy to spar with you!" She looks thoughtful as she continues: "Bismuth and Garnet will be closer matches for you... you'll probably have to hold back, but you should still definitely spar with Bismuth sometime. Whether or not she's able to give you a good challenge, you could bond with her and make a new friend! I know all these changes over the last few days have been a bit overwhelming Jasper, but I'd love to see you make more friends besides just me and Steven!"
Jasper replies: "You know, I'd like to make more friends... eventually... but maybe not yet. Your friends do seem to all be good, strong people. I would like to properly get to know them sometime, but I'm not sure if I'm... ready. Like you said, all of this has been pretty overwhelming... it's mentally taxing to change so much. For now, I'd like to keep being friends with only you and Steven, because I'm still... processing... how I've changed my worldview in just a couple days. I'm taking to this empathy and friendship stuff better than I thought I would, but I'm still adjusting."
Jasper looks quite nervous as she continues: "I hope that's... okay with you. I can tell that you want to include me in the time you spend with your other friends, but... well... is it alright if things just... stay as they are for now, and I'll let you know when I'm... ready to form more connections?"
Lapis lunges forward to hug Jasper again (Jasper has decided that she really likes Lapis' impulsive hugs) for just a moment, and then pulls back to smile up at her before saying: "Oh Jasper, of course that's alright. It's true that I'm eager to include you in the rest of my social life, but I don't want you to feel pressured! It's totally fine if you need some time before trying to make more friends." Jasper looks reassured as Lapis continues.
"Jasper, I of all Gems understand better than almost anyone how hard it is to adjust to changes and adapt to a new way of living. I know these things take time; after I became Steven's friend, it took me a while to trust anyone else and open up to the idea of making more friends. I was a huge jerk to Peridot before I warmed up to her, because having her around was a big change that I needed time to adapt to, and it was hard for me to believe that she had changed and was trustworthy.
"I befriended Steven's dad soon after, but he was easy for me to trust since he's Steven's father and never seemed threatening. Then I didn't make any more friends until months after that when I properly met Connie, and then it was a while before I became friends with Bismuth; learning to trust and befriend people was a long and difficult process for me, Jasper."
"You're going through a hard time coming to grips with everything you've repressed until now, but you're in a much better place mentally than ever before. Since I've been through a similar transitional period myself, I understand why you want to keep your life as it is and avoiding adding any new pressures until you've figured yourself out a bit more."
Lapis thinks to herself, "I really am glad that I didn't give in to my impulses earlier, because Jasper has enough on her plate already. What she needs right now is for me and Steven to be her friends, and JUST a friend is what I'll be for her."
She continues: "So you're right, it's probably for the best if right now, you just focus on the new insights and friendships you've already gained. Jasper, I really am so proud of you, and I'm so happy to be your friend. You deeply understand me in a different way than my other friends do, and I appreciate having you in my life. Your promise to protect me when I'm paranoid makes me feel really special and happy, Jasper. For now, the least I can do in return is set plenty of time aside to hang out with you separately from my other friends; I'll help you learn more about friendship and how people enjoy each other's company. Let me know once you are ready to expand your social circle, but take as much time as you need."
Then she adds almost as an afterthought: "Oh, and if you ever want to get a hold of Steven, just lemme know! Actually, you can join us for the weekly video calls we've planned now that he's away. We'll be having one-on-one chats aside from the group ones with Bismuth and Peridot because Steven and I share a... special understanding thanks to our C-PTSD. You share that understanding with us, so you're welcome to join us for those calls even if no one else is."
She considers mentioning that they should get Jasper her own phone, but thinks better of it; "one thing at a time," Lapis thinks, "it took me a while to accept life on Earth enough to adjust to the idea of owning human communications technology. Knowing Jasper, that may strike some kind of nerve regarding her pride as a Gem."
Jasper looks relieved, and after taking a few seconds to think, she softly smiles down at Lapis and replies: "Thank you for being so understanding, Lapis. You've been amazing to me these last few days; you're an incredible person, you've been so kind to me and you seem to always know what to say or do to help me. You say you appreciate me; well I appreciate you too, Lapis. I guess this friendship thing really does go both ways. I'm looking forward to seeing where it'll go from here, but for now our friendship has already proven to be the single most rewarding experience of my entire life. Thank you for your teachings and for being so patient with me; thank you for believing in me. I'll be happy to join you and My Diamond for your weekly calls, and I'll let you know when I'm ready to make more friends."
Lapis once again blushes as she peers up at Jasper and tries to come up with a response. Jasper is so nice now, and it's making it really difficult for Lapis to maintain her usual self-control. "In just a couple days she's transformed from a big brawny jerkass into a big brawny adorable lug," Lapis thinks, "and it makes me wanna just grab that oblivious face of hers and plant a huge kiss on her. And THAT makes me wanna just fly out the nearest window so I WON'T do it. UGH, come on, keep it together, I JUST told myself how important it is to not escalate things beyond friendship too soon, and I promised Jasper that I won't abandon her! Seriously Lapis, get your shit together!"
Jasper remains unaware of Lapis' struggle when almost anyone else would see it as clearly as day, and her cluelessness is so adorable that it makes things even harder for Lapis. Nevertheless, she manages to regain enough of her composure to reply: "Uhh... y-you... you're welcome, J-Jasper. L-like I said, I'm... um... r-really glad I've been able to help you. So, uhhh... what... what do you wanna do or talk about now?"
Lapis internally facepalms and thinks, "great, REAL freaking smooth Lapis... my stars, I really AM like an awkward schoolgirl in a manga, that response wasn't the LEAST bit eloquent or well-thought-out! Is it because this is my first crush ever, or am I just THAT LAME when it comes to experiencing attraction? Ugh, maybe I should talk to Bismuth about it and ask her how she handles being around Pearl."
Jasper thinks nothing of Lapis' awkward demeanor, but does take Lapis' question quite seriously; she considers continuing the current conversation, but she's suddenly struck by an unexpected thought: "Maybe it's time to stop being so SERIOUS," she thinks. "All Lapis and I have been doing these last few days is having deadly serious conversations, but I know that's not what friends usually do to have... fun... together. Since any ISSUES between us are resolved now, maybe it'd be nice to RELAX. I've never known HOW to relax and just have casual fun... but I know that Lapis and Steven enjoy doing so, and Lapis said she'll keep teaching me about friendship." And so, Jasper works up the courage to ask Lapis if she wants to "hang out."
(To be continued in Chapter Nine: "Hanging Out")
Notes: Yup, there it is, Lapis finally (consciously) realizes what she's feeling towards Jasper. She can no longer keep putting up a wall of denial to avoid facing her "more than friendly" thoughts.
But Lapis finally acknowledging her feelings doesn't mean things are gonna be smooth sailing from now on: Lapis is scared of her feelings; she has improved mental health and now help from Jasper to aid in dealing with her paranoia regarding external threats, but she now has to deal with being terrified of her own thoughts.
She's not wrong to feel some trepidation: As Lapis thought, her crush came on shockingly quickly, and Jasper is in a very vulnerable place psychologically. I the writer and you the readers may know better, but as Lapis considered, there's no way for her (or Jasper for that matter) to be sure if Jasper's own feelings can be taken at face value. Jasper is in such a delicate state right now that while we know better, any character in-story who takes the time to think it over (Connie did point this out to Steven in their call) will consider that Jasper's crush may be some fleeting thing due to dependency issues.
As for Lapis' justified fear that she's now blowing out of proportion, I won't give spoilers, but I'll say this: Lapis isn't good at facing new and unfamiliar fears. For now at least she can handle things by not acting on her feelings, but in the long run... this story still has its fair share of angst and drama to get through before we can get a happy ending. These two will get their happy ending, but not without some bumps in the road.
I'm enjoying the opportunity to write Lapis' thoughts now that she's acknowledged her feelings. She's always had such a sardonic wit, so writing her internal dialogue as it shifts between "notice me Jasper-senpai" (yes I know Jasper is actually younger) and "come on girl, you need to stop being so lame and cliché" is pretty fun, haha.
Lapis telling Jasper to believe in herself because she believes in Lapis and Lapis believes in her was an intentional Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann reference. SU is full of anime references (including TTGL ones), so I went for it. Lapis didn't say "believe in the me who believes in you" because that was Kamina's pre-character development catchphrase and he prefaced it with "don't believe in yourself." Post-character development, he told Simon to "believe in the Simon who believes in yourself." What Lapis tells Jasper is basically a fusion (ha ha) of those statements. Once Jasper gains more self-worth, Lapis will encourage her to believe in herself independently of other's opinions.
Speaking of walls of denial like the one Lapis just tore down: I've been planning to use this "structurally unsound, shoddily patched-up dam" metaphor for a while now. I hope you all enjoyed the potency of the metaphor.
A cool thing is how the dam metaphor also describes what happened with Steven's character arc in the franchise! He spent the entire original series and the movie walling up all his issues (waters) behind his denial (dam). As mentioned in this chapter, in "Future" the cracks/leaks in the dam manifested as uncontrolled manifestations of his Pink State, and the collapse of the dam manifested as his Monster Form. My point here is that Steven and Jasper are actually very similar characters: Both of them have a lot of trauma from lives of constant war and "duty," but they prefer to live in denial. Their big difference is that Steven's unhealthy coping mechanism is to focus on other people's problems, while Jasper's is to punch things. Yikes.
Jasper already had leaks/cracks forming in her dam for a long time (we've seen instances like the insecurity she expressed when corrupting). In this story, the cracks grow worse until the dam collapses because she's learned that the true meaning of strength isn't about punching stuff all the time. She finally looked inwards, and as a result her dam collapsed just like Steven's did at the end of "Everything's Fine."
And this is totally random but yes, Lapis reads shojo manga; the series has shown her and Amethyst reading a manga called "Pretty Hairstylist" that's clearly a shojo series. Oh and yeah, apparently Amethyst is also into shojo manga, interestingly enough.