The tense quietness had followed them all the way back to the bullpen.
Watching Mike walk into his office and get rid of his overcoat and Fedora in an annoyed fashion, Steve settled on carelessly draping his wet coat over his office chair and heading for a cup of warm coffee, no sugar this time, hoping to forget what just happened and move on from the inevitable realization that they were so damn close to catching their killer and now…through mostly his own fault…lost at least another three or four days of research and quite possibly another human life before they'd get that close again.
The guilt and misery were beginning to eat away at his nerves as he finished one cup and poured himself another one before sitting back down at his desk, absent-mindedly staring at his office phone, hoping, almost shamelessly praying that it would ring, offering them a case-breaking tip and allow him a quick way out of this whole mess without compromising his soul any further along the way.
He could tell that even from the other room, Mike was sensing his deep brooding but chose not to interfere. Instead, the Lieutenant busied himself going through a litany of phone calls, one of them being to Olsen and explaining what had just happened with as much neutrality as possible.
Letting his head drop to his chest, Steve bit the inside of his lip, trying so hard to contain his emotions in a situation that was already tearing on every frayed nerve he had left. He sat there breathing quietly and staring at his tie for a long time, before a set of footsteps stopped next to his desk.
Glancing up, he saw a deep sense of understanding in Mike's eyes, as he gently squeezed the nape of his neck, before pointing his chin at his office, urging him to follow.
Despite the curious looks aimed at them from the rest of the bullpen, Mike quietly guided them into his office, slowly closing the door and walking over to his window, before leaning against the framework.
"Well, that didn't go exactly to plan, now did it?"
Steve had stayed near the gray file cabinet, nervously playing with the outer seam of his black suit pants that still hadn't quite dried up, as he searched the floor in Mike's office for answers.
Letting the stillness of the room quiet his busy senses, he took a deep shuddered breath, knowing that Mike was well aware of his mental state, long before he ever looked up.
"I guess it could have gone better."
Despite the emotional misery he'd dragged himself through for losing their suspect; he could see a certain sense of sympathy, even empathy in Mike's eyes as the Lieutenant nodded, lips pursed as he too glanced down for a moment.
"You should have let Elliot bring his other guys around before going after that man. You made a reckless call. It cost us our suspect, when we could least afford it."
Clenching his strong jaws, Steve felt his pulse speed up again as he stared straight ahead at Mike's desk, his active mind remembering every single item meticulously arranged to decorate it, knowing well enough that he'd have to rely on memory only far too soon.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
His words had turned sterile, trying to remove any emotion from a situation that was anything but…and yet, he could tell that Mike was reading him like an open book. Those gentle blue eyes glancing up were scanning him for the slightest, most subtle cues, trying to figure out what exactly had led to the fiasco down on Geary.
"Sometimes that's what happens, isn't it?", Mike continued good-naturedly as he pushed himself off the ledge of his office window and walked over to his desk, "We get carried away and next thing we know, we got a whole new problem on our hands…"
Part of him wanted to lay it out into the open with Mike back there and then; tell him what had been bugging him for the past few months, begging for understanding in a situation that didn't allow him any other reasonable options.
The other part, his god-forsaken pride, stopped him in his tracks, unwilling to tell the truth for fear of Mike trying to derail his plans, possibly even ridicule his worries. In his youthful foolishness, Steve raised his head in defiance to the sole person who cared about him more than he cared about his own life.
"I get it. It was a bad idea. You can stop the walking-on-eggshells part now, okay?"
"What is your problem lately?", came Mike's snarky remark before he even had a chance to regret raising his voice.
"Nothing. Everything's fine."
Keeping up the neutral and professional façade he'd worked so hard to maintain in emotionally strenuous situations like this one; Steve swallowed hard before making eye contact with his partner, hoping he'd buy the theatre-worthy act.
"Is that so?"
The open-ended question did nothing to soothe his troubled mind that afternoon. If anything, it fed on his agitation like gasoline on fire.
"Yes…fine."
Straightening out his whole six-foot-something-frame, Mike walked up to him, as if the taller appearance could somehow scare him more than the uncertain future he was ready to sign up for.
"You haven't been yourself in weeks. Now you're beginning to make some startlingly bad decisions. I need to know what is going on. Because I am worried."
"I am fine.", Steve reiterated firmly and held onto the file cabinet a little tighter, unsuccessfully fighting off the heat rising up on either side of his neck.
"I've heard that before and I don't believe a single word. Come on now, what is it that has you all worked up? This isn't like you at all…You know you can come to me for anything. But I can't help you if I don't know what's bothering you. What's going on, Buddyboy?"
The use of this once cherished sobriquet made him tear up and Steve bit his lip, hoping to blink away the evidence of his heartache before his partner could see it. Mike had settled his temper down again, knowing from experience that it would only get both of them worked up more. Instead, he walked up to him, putting both of his strong hands on his shoulders, kneading them tightly as if it would help get the truth out of him.
Steve couldn't say it out loud. Not yet. It was too soon. He wasn't ready to see the reaction in his best friend's eyes if he found out about the secret he'd been harboring for months. How the impressive accumulation of vast experiences as a Homicide Inspector under Mike Stone's guiding hand had ironically caused things to fall into place a lot sooner than he'd expected.
No, he couldn't handle seeing the sadness and guilt quite yet.
"You're shaking."
Mike's warm hands moved up to his face, forcing him to look into the Lieutenant's eyes.
"Trust me…please…"
The pair of piercing blue eyes stared at him pleadingly and Steve felt the walls he'd so carefully built beginning to crumble under the immense pressure of Mike's genuine caring. Their standoff lasted many long moments until, by some divine intervention, the nearby phone started to ring.
Momentarily being able to breathe again, Steve watched his partner let go off him hesitantly, before walking over to the phone. Using the opportunity to drop his head to his chest and rubbing the back of his neck to clear his mind somewhat, he picked up from the bits and pieces of conversation that Mike was talking to one of the guys down in Missing Person's again.
"Mhm…yes, please do that. It'll give us a start. Thank you very much…"
Hanging up the phone, Mike smiled faintly, attempting to bridge the awkward situation that had unfolded between them.
"DeMario is going through all their records to see who else they can tie to our killer. Also, he said he's got a call into other Missing Person's Departments this side of the state, see if we can find a pattern. Somebody this good has had plenty of practice."
Steve nodded slowly, eyes glued on the picture frame of Jeanie on Mike's desk.
"I ehm…I am going to head downstairs to R&I, go over some mugshots of local crazies, recent arrests on sex crimes, anything that could help identify this guy. I got a good look at him when I…"
They both fell quiet again and Steve slowly pushed himself away from the file cabinet, one hand reaching for the doorknob, when he felt Mike's eyes on him.
Turning around and seeing the exact uncertainty, worry and pain in his best friend's expression he'd so desperately tried to avoid from the beginning, Steve drew in a deep breath, before smiling uncomfortably.
"I'll see you later, Michael."