Author's Note: FIRST OFF – as much as there can be spoilers in an AU, here be spoilers. IF YOU HAVE NOT SEEN RISE OF SKYWALKER, THIS MIGHT CLUE YOU INTO SOME PLOT POINTS THERE. Come back later if you haven't seen it and don't want any clues. TROS has been out 10 days, but still, POTENTIAL SPOILERS.
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Disclaimer per usual – I do not own Star Wars or any aspect of the SW universe; just a fan with an idea. No profit here, just fun for me.
Rey Kenobi sighs and runs a hand through her hair, snorting when it comes back smeared with blue paint. The students in her advanced Cultural Geography class, seniors in high school, had decided that they should paint a world map on the pavement in the bus pick-up and drop-off area, and they finished it this afternoon. She's just damned glad that it's a Friday and Labor Day weekend.
She's been teaching here at this school, a small private school in southern Maine, Portland to be exact, for two years, since a year after the death of her boyfriend. There are kids here from Pre-K through 12th grade, and she loves the location – close enough to Boston to take advantage of the educational and historical resources there on a (long) day trip, but far enough out of the hustle and bustle of it to be quiet and not quite as expensive as the neighborhoods and towns convenient to big cities.
She goes to the sink in the teacher's lounge and washes her hands, then uses some of the paint solvent on them before washing them again and then applying some lotion so they don't dry out completely. After that, she goes back to her classroom and packs up for the day, enjoying the sun as she walks out to her old Jeep. It's early September, and the kids just started back last week. This was their kickoff for the year, something her students starting planning in her intro Geography course last year. She also teaches World History to juniors, and she sometimes helps the French teacher out as well.
She smiles for a moment as she watches the little Pre-K kids get picked up. She laughs out loud when she sees a little girl, striking with light eyes, olive skin, and curly dark hair, frown and fuss at a little boy who pushed her in the pick up line. She can't be much more than four, but she clearly has some spunk. There's something that strikes Rey, though, as she watches the girl. There is something familiar about her, but Rey can't place it. She sees a newer-looking BMW SUV pull up and the girl running forward, and she can see that the driver is a man with similarly dark, curly hair, but it's too sunny for her to get a clear view of his face through the glare on his windshield and the aviator sunglasses he has on.
She shrugs, moving on to her car. As she drives along the coast to her small cottage on her way home, her thoughts stray to the little girl. She was adorable, and Rey feels a pang of sadness. She and her late boyfriend, Ben, had talked about kids. That was before she found out that he had ties to the mafia and did a lot of bad things in their name. He'd been a leader of a crime syndicate in Boston, his real job, not the one he told her about as an up and coming financial analyst at an investment bank.
Blinking, she thinks about the day she found out. She'd discovered several photos of people she didn't know, one jumping out at her as a local politician who'd recently been found dead in his home. She'd confronted Ben about it, and he'd broken down and told her that he'd been involved in multiple killings over the years, often pulling the trigger himself.
She'd been stunned. His parents were local heroes, his mother, Leia Organa-Solo, the head of a huge philanthropy that helped local families with hospital bills for sick children, and his father, Han Solo, a retired Navy pilot with a small bar in downtown Boston that was always packed.
She'd found out about Ben's real life about six months before he was killed. She'd asked him why, and he said because it had been a chance, early on, to step out of his parents' shadows, but it wasn't ever supposed to involve killing. By the time it did, he was in deep and liked the power, liked the position he'd risen to. She'd broken up with him when she found out; he'd asked her to meet him a while later, telling her that he was going to be testifying against the leaders of the group he was affiliated with and that he just wanted to talk.
She'd met him for coffee at a small shop in Concord, outside of Boston. As they'd walked out, a car flew around the corner. It was over in moments. Ben put himself between her and the bullets that flew from the black SUV, apologizing as he went unconscious in her arms on the pavement. She found out later that the bullets had been meant for her, a way to try to scare Ben into silence. Unluckily for them, Ben had recorded several statements. Almost all of the group are now either on death row or serving life sentences. Lucky for her, Ben saved her life.
She gets home and unlocks the door to her house, grabbing a glass of wine before going out on the back deck to look out at the creek there, one that goes straight to the ocean. The day Ben died was three years ago today. She sighs, taking a sip from her glass. Memories flood in, and she doesn't try to stop them. She remembers crying as she rode in the ambulance with Ben as they tried (and failed) to revive him. FBI agents met them at the hospital, the protection detail he'd apparently slipped away from.
At the hospital, she remembers a voice shouting about incompetence while two other voices kept telling him to calm down. The angry voice had been the lead US Attorney on the case against the crime syndicate, but he'd been there as a friend to the Organa-Solo family instead, recusing himself from the case after he realized that arrows were starting to point to Ben Solo, a former friend from childhood and son of his Godmother. He'd pushed his way out of the hospital, ignoring reporters and trailed by an attractive blonde woman and an equally attractive black man, both trying to usher him out, exchanging looks as they went.
It occurs to her now that the man had looked pissed off, but that he'd also had tears in his eyes. A week later, he, the same man and woman from the hospital, a young Asian woman, and an older man who looked strikingly similar to the US Attorney, stood behind her, Han, and Leia at the funeral. She'd observed him at the coffee after the funeral, reserved for close family and friends, and she'd watched as he'd hugged Leia tight to him, both of them in tears.
The blonde woman from the hospital stood by, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else, holding a baby, maybe one year old, on her hip. The baby kept reaching for the man, her small hands grabbing for him, dark curls bouncing and greenish-to-hazel eyes wide. Rey sits up in the rocking chair she sat in a moment ago. She blinks, thinking of the little girl at the school. She's the right age, but Rey shakes her head, relaxing back. There's no way that it's the same kid.
The man, from what she understood, was a hotshot lawyer, many speculating that he'd even be Attorney General one day. Coastal Maine would be way too sleepy for him. And the woman, clearly his wife, had been openly cranky about being there. She didn't look like the type who'd be happy stepping back into a quiet, settled life.
In fact, Rey remembers now, the woman had gotten on her phone when the man had finally taken the baby, ignoring them completely until she left, alone, after half an hour. The other thing she remembers is that both Leia and the woman called the man "Poe." She specifically found out later that his full name was Poe Dameron.
Rey takes another drink. Ben had died for her, died protecting her, but she also knows he was never who he said he was. She'd loved him to the end, even when she also hated him. His mother had known that, and she'd apologized.
Rey told her it wasn't her fault, but she also accepted gratefully a year later when Leia called her about the opening at the school here, knowing her background and of her two Masters degrees in History and Geography. It was no surprise to her when she found out that the head of the high school is Leia's twin brother, Luke. She'd been damned happy to get out of Boston, and if Leia had something to do with the low rental cost of Rey's pretty white clapboard house, she's not going to complain about it.
Rey gets up and heads inside. Ben had been her first love. When she found out about his real life, a part of her died that day, another part dying the day Ben saved her life. She'll never not be sad about him. She also may never not be pissed off at him. She just hopes that one day, she'll find someone again. Her life isn't terrible, but it's lonely.
X
Poe Dameron is exhausted. His daughter, Shara, is only four, but she keeps him on his toes. It's ten o'clock on a Friday night, and he chuckles as he goes into the kitchen to clean up the mess in there. The dog, a large yellow lab named Bee, curls up in his dog bed by the back door. If someone told him five years ago that he'd be spending Friday night washing dishes after watching Frozen (for the 50th time or so) with a four-year-old, he'd have laughed in their face.
Of course, he would also have scoffed at the notion that he'd do this while being divorced and living in a town south of Portland, Maine with a kid and a dog, in a suburban neighborhood complete with the white picket fence. Back in Boston, he'd been all about the high-profile cases, all about the killer instinct. Then, two things happened – his wife got pregnant, totally unplanned, giving them Shara. The other was the death of a family friend, one associated with his last so-called high-profile case.
As to the former, his ex-wife never really wanted kids. She was an antiques buyer for an auction house, and she wanted freedom to travel. When their daughter was eighteen months old, they'd divorced, leaving Poe with sole custody, and his ex, Zorii Bliss, with visitation.
She made time to see Shara a grand total of twice in the last two-and-a-half years. Six weeks ago, he received documentation in the mail of her termination of her parental rights. She'd taken his call on that, insisting it was right. He'd heard tears in her voice for a moment, but she said she didn't want to be an absentee mom but she also wanted freedom.
When he pushed her, sad on behalf of Shara and her, she'd hung up and apparently blocked him. A week later, Leia called and told him that Zorii was moving to London and getting married again, to a man she worked with. Then it all made sense. He's irritated for Shara, but as much as he'd loved Zorii and as much, he can admit, as they'd had serious chemistry, he doesn't really miss her or his old life anymore.
As for his last high-profile case in Boston, it had ended with him recusing himself and then damn-near attacking the security detail, the detail that failed miserably, for Ben, his estranged childhood friend. Within a year of Ben Solo's death, Poe was ready to get the hell out of Boston. When he'd moved, an old law school friend, Finn Trooper, and his girlfriend, Rose Tico, followed him. Finn is an FBI Agent, Rose an IT specialist, and they live in south Portland, not too far from Poe's house here in Scarborough.
He moved to this town because of the convenience to the school Leia recommended to him for Shara. He liked the town, and he liked the proximity to the water in the summer. It's a good life. He has Finn and Rose, and he has Shara. He also has his dad, Kes, who bought a cottage down in Old Orchard Beach when Poe moved here. With those people and his job leading the US Attorney's office in Portland, where Finn is now the head of the FBI field office, he's pretty happy.
He knows he shocked a lot of people when he posted into the open spot to head the office here in Portland. They all thought he was a power-hungry showoff. And maybe he was when he first started out almost fifteen years ago. But he's almost forty, and he has a four-year-old. He realized back in Boston that he was going to miss everything in Shara's life, all of the big moments, if he stayed in the city and had her constantly with a nanny. It just wasn't what he wanted. He still has late nights, but most days he's home by six at the latest.
Kes usually gets Shara from school, but today, he'd taken a half day off. He'd gotten her himself, grinning as he'd watched her stand up to a boy in the pick-up line for little kids. He'd also noticed a tall woman with a messy braid and paint stains on her jeans watching his daughter with a small grin. He thought for a moment that he'd recognized her, seen her somewhere before, but he knows that's highly unlikely. He'd blamed it on the bright sun and light playing tricks on him.
He shakes his head and heads up the stairs to his bedroom, the dog close on his heels. Bee doesn't follow him into his room though. Instead, the dog curls up in another dog bed, this one right next to Shara's door. The dog turns three times in the bed, taking up what Poe now calls his "post," guarding the door of the little girl. Kes now just calls them Bee and Little Bee, joking that Shara is basically Bee's puppy. Poe can't argue with that, and he loves that his little girl has the dog looking after her.
He goes to bed, once again likely a ridiculous notion to his old self, in bed before eleven on a Friday, but he promised Shara they'd take Bee and Kes and go to the beach early in the morning. The water may be a little cool for Shara, but she just wants to get some new shells and shiny rocks before fall and then winter set in. He has more stuff decorated with shells and rocks than he can catalog, but he's really, really good with that. Kes and Finn both tease him about it, but he knows for a fact that they both hoard what they all now call the "Shara Dameron Originals."
He has his windows cracked, and he falls asleep to the sound of wind through the trees outside his house. There will be leaves everywhere soon, as he can feel just a slight chill in the air. He's looking forward to it; fall is his favorite time of year. He closes his eyes and lets himself drift off. He knows this will be a good weekend for him, Kes, and his baby girl.
X
The next morning, Rey gets up early, just before seven, and decides to go down to the beach before it gets too crowded. It's cool, so she grabs her windbreaker and a travel mug of coffee, puts on her tennis shoes that she keeps for the beach, and she heads out after throwing a towel and a few other things in a day pack. She hops in her Jeep, and in minutes, she's at Pine Point Beach. She grabs her pack and her phone and starts walking. The Atlantic is rough today, the waves coming in fast and furious.
She actually likes to come here early, when people can bring their dogs and let them run. There is little that is more entertaining than watching a big dog dive headfirst into the surf (often while the owners yell no and come back at the dogs).
This morning is no exception. It is littered with dogs of all sizes, as well as families with lively kids and parents looking like they're not quite awake yet. She just walks along, lost in thought. Her eyes are mostly on the surf, so she doesn't keep much of an eye out for other people. Suddenly, just as she'd stopped to put her empty coffee mug in her pack, she hears two male voices yell "Shara!" and "Little Bee!" simultaneously, and then something slams into her legs, knocking her back.
She lands on her side, and a little girl falls across her. Rey realizes that they're rolling, and she protects the child with her body, her shoulder banging painfully into a large rock before they come to a stop. She hears the child gasp and start to cry, but Rey is dazed briefly, realizing that she also hit her head. She just says, "Ow. Bugger," before closing her eyes and releasing the girl, draping her uninjured arm across her eyes.
"Oh my God, ma'am, I'm so sorry! Shara, are you OK? Can you get up, baby?" A man's frantic voice pings a memory in her head, but she's too fuzzy to focus on it as the small girl scrambles off of her.
She hears a teary, "Yes, Daddy," and Rey relaxes a little, relieved that the child is all right.
The man's voice comes back. "OK, baby girl, go to Grandpa Kes." Rey hears a quiet agreement before the man's voice returns again. "Ma'am, are you all right? Do I need to call 9-1-1?"
It's crazy, but she's sure about the voice now. She knows who it is. Swallowing hard, Rey softly says, "I don't think so – I don't think I need medical help. Just give me a moment."
She moves her arm and hears a sharp intake of breath. "Holy shit." She knows he just recognized her, too. He goes on, "Miss Kenobi?"
"This is not possible," Rey mutters, "Yes. Sitting up, now, and it's Rey."
She does as she said, sitting up and opening her eyes, blinking up at the man and confirming who he is. He furrows his brow. "I'm Poe, Poe Dameron."
She goes to nod, but that hurts too much and makes her experience a wave of nausea. "I know." The world spins for a moment, and then she feels lightheaded, closing her eyes again. "And maybe I was wrong. 9-1-1 might be best."
She feels herself falling back then, and two strong arms catch her, lowering her gently down and putting a balled up jacket under her head. The world begins to go entirely black as he hears the man yelling, "Dad, dial 9-1-1. Now! And get Shara out of here – wait at the car and point us out to the paramedics. Take Bee too. Go, Dad!" Then, his voice is softer; she hears it, like an echo in her head, but she can't reply. "Hey there, come on Rey, you have to stay awake for me so I can thank you for protecting my daughter. Rey? Come on, Rey, stay with me." His pleading voice is all she hears as she fades.
When Rey wakes up, she's on a mostly uncomfortable mattress, her head and shoulder are bandaged, she has an IV in her hand, and she can hear soft voices in the background. "Did you call Leia, mijo?"
The familiar voice, Poe's, replies, "No, Dad, what was I going to say? My kid nearly killed your dead son's ex-girlfriend? No, I called Luke, and he's listed as her contact and family, strangely enough. He's the one who gave them permission to talk to us."
"Stop it, mijo. She didn't nearly kill anyone, and you know it. The doctor said the girl will be fine." She hears muffled voices and a shuffle. "Mija, Little Bee, stay here. Your papa and I are going to talk to the doctor."
Hearing the door close, Rey feels a pull at her uninjured arm, and she moves her head slightly. She cracks her eyes open to see a slightly scratched, scared looking little girl. Rey blinks, realizing that she is definitely the girl from the Pre-K pick up line yesterday. Softly, Rey says, "Are you all right, sweetheart?"
The girl's green eyes widen and fill with tears, and she nods. "You talk funny. Like Mary Poppins. And I'm sorry I almost killeded you. I was chasin' Bee, my dog, and she kept going so fast. She likes to chase the seagulls. And I know you made sure I didn't hit my head, and you pwotected, that's the word Dad used, me. But you were bleeding and fell asleep, and Daddy was really scareded, even more than when Grandpa Kes fell off the ladder last year. Daddy doesn't get scarded a lot. He must like you."
The little girl takes a breath, and despite her raging headache, Rey is amused. "Sweetheart, you didn't almost kill me, I'm sure."
"But Daddy just said –," the child begins.
Rey stops her. "Sweetie, your dad is just upset. I heard your grandpa say that the doctor said I'll be all right."
The door opens and closes, and she looks towards the door, surprised and not surprised to see a disheveled Luke Skywalker standing there. "And Kes is right, Little Bee. Poe is just upset. Miss Rey is going to be just fine."
Rey starts to speak, but she's stunned to see the girl jump up and cross the room in a flash, wrapping her arms around Luke's hip. "Uncle Luke!"
Luke bends and picks up the girl, settling her on his hip. "Hello there, Miss Dameron. I hear you've had quite the morning."
"Uh huh. I bwoke Miss Rey. She's not gonna like me now." She tucks her head under Luke's chin, sniffling and looking miserable, and Rey's heart melts.
She looks at Luke, motioning to the space next to her uninjured side. He nods, and he walks over to the bed with Shara. Rey lifts her arm, and Luke puts the child down on the bed. After the briefest hesitation, the girl curls into Rey's side, and Rey wraps her arm around her. Rey strokes the girl's hair. "You didn't break me, sweetheart. I'm just a little bent. I can bend back."
Luke snorts, settling in the chair next to the bed. "Bent is right."
"You hush," Rey admonishes him, giving him a stern look. Her head still hurts, but she can't help hugging the girl tight to her. Her voice softens. "Shara, I promise I'm all right, and it was just an accident. It's OK. And I like you very much."
The girl nods against her. "Thank you for keepin' me safe, Miss Rey."
"Anytime, sweetheart." She hugs her again, and she closes her eyes. In a moment, she notices that the girl has gone still, curled against her – she actually fell asleep, and Rey can't help but feel a surge of warmth that the child feels so safe with her.
She opens her eyes and looks over at Luke, who gives her a soft smile. Quietly, he asks, "You really OK, kid?"
She remembers not to nod this time and responds just as quietly, "I'm OK. Pretty sore, but I'll be fine." He nods, and she closes her eyes again, letting herself drift.
X
After finishing talking to the doctor who confirms that Rey has a moderate concussion and a badly bruised shoulder and will be kept here overnight, Poe pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eyes. Kes puts a hand on his shoulder. "It's OK, mijo. The lady and Little Bee are both fine."
Poe nods. "I feel so bad, Dad. She was just walking, and out of nowhere, my kid knocks her down. I should have kept Bee on-leash this morning. Then this wouldn't have happened. I owe Rey a serious apology."
"I imagine she'll brush it off, Poe. It was just an accident. They happen." Poe knows he looks stubborn, because Kes lifts an eyebrow and crosses his arms across his chest. "What, you going to take away all the beaches the way you took all my ladders?"
Poe rolls his eyes. "Touché." He sighs. "Let's go back in. I think I saw Luke breeze past us anyway."
Kes nods, but he pulls Poe to him in a hug. "Everything's all right, mijo."
Poe briefly hugs his dad back. "I know. I'm glad you're here, Dad." He swallows hard and takes a step back. "All right, in we go." He moves to the door, opening it and going back into Rey's room, Kes close behind. He stops dead in his tracks, though, at the sight that greets him, causing Kes to bump into him.
Rey is still on the bed, but Shara is now curled up next to her, tucked into her side and sound asleep. At the sound of them walking in, Rey's eyes open. After she blinks a few times, she gives him a half smile and softly asks, "Is this OK?"
Poe goes to the side of the bed where Luke sits. "You're asking me? You're the one who is hurt, Rey."
Luke stands, motioning to the chair. Poe starts to argue, and Luke just rolls his eyes, plants a hand on Poe's shoulder, and pushes him down to sit. Luke then turns to Kes. "Want to go find some crappy hospital coffee?"
Kes laughs. "Sounds good. Poe, you got this?"
Poe shakes his head, but he says, "Bring me back some, and a water for Shara if you can scrounge one up."
As they leave, Rey softly asks, "How is it that you know Luke so well but I didn't know you'd moved up here, too?"
He shrugs, trying not to stare at her. He'd never noticed before, but she's beautiful, head bandage notwithstanding. "No idea." He uses a normal speaking voice, and she glances down at Shara with concern. He chuckles. "You can talk normally, unless it hurts your head. You could set off fireworks next to her and she wouldn't wake up. Kid plays hard and sleeps hard."
"Ah." She smiles. Yep, he's trying not to stare again. "I'm surprised she took to me like this."
He nods, leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. "Honestly, I am too. She's not shy, but she can be wary. She's a funny kid. She clearly isn't wary of you, though. Maybe it's because I told her you protected her." He pauses, his throat briefly closing up. "Thank you, by the way. If you hadn't gotten between her and the rock, she'd be the one with a concussion."
She lightly shrugs her good shoulder. "It's OK. And it was honestly just instinct. Maybe it's a teacher thing, but I think it's likely more an adult-child thing."
He nods again. "It was you at the school yesterday, wasn't it? Watching Shara tell off that little boy?"
"You saw me?" She winces. "Covered in paint and messy hair. Splendid."
"You looked pretty cute, actually. But what was up with the paint?" He cocks his head at her, worried by the wince. "You OK? Need meds or anything?"
She smiles again. "No, I'm all right. Sore, but fine. And I helped my seniors, the ones in my Cultural Geography class, paint a world map on the surface of the parking lot."
"OK, I want a job like that. All I did yesterday was cut a plea deal with a drug mule." He gives her a wry look. "Sounds like you had a lot more fun."
She gives him another little smile, then she looks thoughtful for a moment. "How did you end up here? You were, as I understood it, on your way up. Isn't this a bit of a deceleration, to be here in Portland?"
"Yeah, more than a bit." He's proud of himself when he realizes he said that without and regret or resentment. "I was always under scrutiny and working sixty to eighty hour weeks in Boston. Here, it's lower profile and fewer hours. I manage the team as much as I do actual lawyering, too. I have dinner with Shara and Dad almost every night, and the cases I have are a lot less likely to make me, and by extension, Shara, a target."
At her visible cringe, he realizes that it was a terrible thing to say to her. "God, Rey, I'm sorry. That was damned insensitive. I didn't think."
She waves her hand at him and then wraps it back around Shara, a sight that warms him more than really makes any good sense. She says, "Stop, Poe, it's OK." Her voice drops, and after a pause, she says, "It was three years yesterday."
His eyes widen. "Damn, I didn't realize. You're right, it was. I still want to kill the guys on his detail. I'm sorry they were so inattentive that he gave them the slip."
"I was at the hospital, you know? I rode in the ambulance with him. I heard you yelling at them. I actually recognized your voice today. Knew it was you before I opened my eyes." She bites her lip. "I saw you leave. I thought, at first, that you were pissed over losing your witness. But when you walked out, I saw tears in your eyes. Then I knew it was more."
Poe shrugs, leaning back in the chair. "Growing up, Ben was one of my best friends. Leia is my Godmother; my mom worked with her until Mom died when I was eight. All through elementary and middle school, me and Ben, we did stuff together. I was a year older, but we were tight. Then, in high school, I gravitated to sports. Ben, less so. We just didn't see eye to eye."
Running a hand through his hair, Poe sighs. "When I was a senior and Ben a junior, Ben started a ring of kids helping people cheat on tests – it was big money. I turned them in when I found out. Ben called me a boy scout snitch, and I guess I was. Leia very much sided with me, and Ben hated me for it. I hate myself sometimes. I could have gone to him, given him a chance to shut it down on his own. Maybe things would have been different, then."
X
Rey is stunned by Poe's words, and she also feels her energy flagging. She fights to keep her eyes open, though, and to clear through the haze in her head. "Poe, that's rubbish." He blinks in surprise, and she goes on, "Ben made bad choices. A lot of them. You didn't put the gun in his hand and point out the targets. He let his life spiral out of control out of spite for his parents. I am glad he was trying to redeem himself in the end, but he still did awful things, and those things, none of them, were your fault."
Poe nods, and Rey settles back, holding Shara a little tighter. He watches her for a moment, and then changes the subject. "I didn't know you were British."
She snorts softly. "Well, American citizen, but yes, raised in Britain by my foster father after my parents left me at an orphanage. Ben Kenobi – yes, Ben Solo was named after him – took me in when I was four. He was old friends with Luke, and by extension with Han and Leia. He took me to England early, and I didn't return to the states until college, which is where I met Ben Solo. You and I probably never crossed paths because you and Ben were estranged by then."
He nods. "I remember Ben Kenobi. I met him a few times when I was growing up. He was a kind man."
"He was." She blinks, her energy now entirely gone.
He clearly notices. "Sleep, Rey. I'm going to hang around for a while. Do you need me to move Shara?"
"No. She's nice and comfy, and I don't mind. Leave her?" She phrases it as a question, as she is Poe's child, not hers.
"Anything you want, Sunshine." He grabs a blanket from the foot of the bed and covers them both with it. "I'll be here when you wake up."
She's suddenly too tired to say anything, humming quietly in response as she lets sleep take her. She's surprised by how safe she feels right now, something she's not sure she's really felt since Ben was killed in front of her. It's a nice feeling.