AN: Having just cleaned the honey out of my keywells I find myself needing to break them in. you have no idea how nice it feels to have the spacebar bounce back for the first time in 4 months. Seeing as none of the (albeit rather popular and often inactive fan fiction writers have taken me up on my offers to beta, (or givin me any response whatsoever) I am going to play around in some HP fanfic writing. This is my first time so please be gentle with me.

I am writing this in response to the 'it is a nice day at Hogwarts and you are a terrible goose' prompt that was on HPfanfiction reddit a while ago. I am not sure who came up with the prompt but I am pretty sure they were just memeing.

For posterity I will note that it is 11:40 pm on a sunday and I am writing this instead of sleeping for my class in the morning, this will not be spell or grapper checked not will it be picked for britishisms, in addition I won't be fact checking myself with the books. if you want to beta then dm me and I might get back to you...

Disclaimer: Jk rowling and I think Warner brothers owns the rights to Harry potter and the studio house house owns the rights to untitled goose game.

It's a lovely morning in the village and you are a horrible headmaster.

As Albus Dumbledore walked away from number 4 privet drive, humming happily to himself, he reached deep inside of his robes and pulled out a small and delicately engraved gold and diamond encrusted clamshell container.

One might think that it held vital medication, or perhaps something more nefarius, like a snuff box stuffed with cocaine. Albus was woefully unburdened of such pedestrian thoughts (sure he was a pedestrian, but that is besides the point) as he whispered the password into his container and watched with glee as the bounty was revealed.

'This' he thought 'is truly the food of the gods'

Albus shook the container slightly before selecting a lemon drop and placing it in his mouth.

"Ahhhh" Albus sighed contentedly "thas the good stuff"

Albus stopped suddenly and turned to face a strangely stiff cat perched on a stone wall.

"Hello Minerva dear"

The disapproving and scowling cat slowly grew into a disapproving and scowling woman.

"Albus you can't be seriously thinking about leaving him here can you?"

Albus sighed again, this time much less contentedly. 'I should have known that she would find them unsatisfactory' he thought. It is a good thing that he didn't need to worry about what she thought, it had been years since he solved that problem. No there would be no more Mrs. too big for her britches McGonagall undermining his authority at staff meetings.

Albus chuckled darkly before reaching even deeper into his robes and pulling out a ball of yarn and a bag of catnip.

"Are you sure you want to make a fuss about this Minerva, I could make it worth your while to forget everything you saw tonight."

Quick as a flash a bespectacled cat lept at the hand with the catnip and left it with nothing but a fresh scratch.

"Now, now" he chided "save that for the bedroom."

With a pop the elderly man vanished, all thoughts of the boy at the doorstep gone, his only concern was selecting a new password for his stash of lemon drops.

The next morning as Vernon Dursley opened the front door of his house he noticed two things, first was that the mail had not yet been delivered. Second was that he most certainly did not order that baby.

"Petunia" he called.

"What is is Vernon"

"Somebody left a baby on the front porch"

"Oh dear not again, must be number 6's daughter trying to pass hers off again, the slag"

"No Pet looks like a different one this time, got a note on em as well from some bloke named Dumbledore, makes some crackpot claims about magic and a prophecy, something called 'blood wards'"

Vernon chuckled and the sheer nerve.

"Might as well take him inside dear, its frightfully cold out there"

After a thorough reading of the note the Dursleys were determined to keep the boy, he was going to be one of their own, the big brother of their future offspring.

"Speaking of future offspring," Vernon started, "we need to get started on that," he finished huskily.

Petunia blushed prettily and stammered, "you make me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world Vernon, but I don't know how you ever settled on a hideous creature like me." She had a desperate look in her eye.

Vernon knew that this was a long held insecurity of his wife's, sure her sister was much more buxom but Petunia was a true beauty, and Vernon was glad that she didn't have massive udders like his recently deceased sister. After all, he thought, 'flat is justice.'