AN: so for those of you who reviewed, you really liked this so far, so I'm happy to report that I will be continuing this story for as long as you would all want to read it. The genre will be switching from action to angst, drama and etc. so it's different from most of my other stories, which I hope you all will love just as much. I have a lot planned for where I want to take this, and I'm so excited to share. My goal is to leave you all wanting more and guessing where all the little pieces I give will fall…if you feel something, let me know…as an amateur writer, that's all I want: feel what I feel, come into the world I write up and imagine in my head.
With that being said, I hope you enjoy this!
Chapter 2: Come Back To Me
Alison's POV
"Ali, what are you saying?"
I fidgeted with my hands, and I never fidget. I'm never nervous. I'm Alison DiLaurentis, people called me the Queen B. Girls would give anything to have the confidence I have...
Or so I thought I had.
But the truth is, the truth that I've discovered for myself, is that I don't want to be that girl anymore.
I don't want to lie and pretend, I don't want to hurt or be hurt anymore. I have to tell the truth…
But not all of it, just the part that I can bare to tell, the part that I'm 100% sure about.
"Ali?" It was Emily again. I couldn't even meet her eyes, yet I could feel them. I could always feel them. Even when we were younger, I could always tell when she was looking at me. I thought it was the same way everyone looked me: with envy, jealousy, anything close to those. Yet again, I was wrong, or rather, blind.
Deep down I knew what her looks meant, deep down I knew how she felt, I knew she was different, special. Yet, being "Queen B," I couldn't accept that, I didn't. And that nearly cost me everything.
"Ali, you're making me nervous, please answer me."
Without looking up, I laughed lightly. "I-I'm sorry Em. And I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at myself." I had to explain that because I remember the way I would laugh at her before, for wanting to kiss me, and I could see the pain I inflicted. Yet, like a true friend, like someone who truly loved me, she could only see the good.
"Why are you laughing at yourself?" Her voice was so soft, so gentle, I didn't deserve it. But she deserved to hear the truth, the part that of it I was ready to share, the part I wanted her to hear and hopefully believe.
"I-I-Em, you know I'm, that I'm not good with emotions. Years of acting the way I did, I couldn't distinguish myself from who I always thought I had to be, who my parents, my mom said I was. And I'm laughing…at myself, because I'm, I'm nervous."
I looked up then and met her eyes. Warm and inviting, not cold and hard like mine. She scrunched her eyebrows the way she does when she's worried or thinking, or angry. The dimple above them formed and I smiled. Of all the things I have been through, of all the things I have done and witnessed, the one pure thing to happen to me was Emily. And now that Shana was dead, and they all thought -A was gone, I realized that Emily was all the home I would have to come back to. She was all the home I wanted.
"You? Nervous? Ali what could you possibly be nervous about?" I could hear the disbelief in her voice and I know part of that was from all the hurt. I know it wouldn't be easy to erase years of cruelty, deceit and lies, but I had to try.
I sighed lightly and felt the smile slip from my lips, but I dare not let it slip from my eyes. I may look in the mirror and see cold there, but I know they're not always like that to Emily. She sees them and I know she sees the beauty in them, and the potential for goodness I possess. She knows I can be a better person, and I just want to prove her right.
I would never have known that someone could truly love someone so much had I not met her.
I looked at her, leaning against the side of her window seat, her hair in perfect waves and there was just enough light from the night seeping in that it illuminated the side of her face, outlining her cheekbones, her lips.
She could tell I was fighting something and scooted even further into the wall, patting the cushion beside her. I knew what she was saying and I swallowed hard, walking over and sitting down, ignoring her gaze for as long as I could.
"Ali it's late, if you have something to say, you should probably say it now, I don't think my mom wants anyone over tonight, this week has been kind of crazy."
"She doesn't want anyone over, or she doesn't want me here?"
Em opened her mouth and shut it.
"No, Em, I'm sorry, that's not why I'm here. I just I don't know how to say this to you."
"Say what Ali, you've never had a problem with saying exactly what you felt before."
And that wasn't the sweet tone Emily usually had, and I know what she was referring to. It hurt, like hot shards of glass shredding the very fibers in my chest that made up my heart, but I wouldn't retaliate with a snarky comment, that wasn't who I wanted to be. "Okay, I deserved that."
She just nodded and stared at her bed.
"Emily?"
She wouldn't budge and when I tilted my head, I could see the glossiness spread in her eyes.
"Em, if you're going to believe me, if I'm going to say this, I want you to look at me. Look at me so you can see that I'm telling you the truth."
"I- I can't look at you Ali."
I was ready to plead by now, "just look in my eyes Em, and if you see that I'm lying, I will never bug you, or call you again. I'll leave Rosewood and you'll never have to worry about me."
She snapped her head towards me, "YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT I WANT?"
I was in shock, I couldn't move. "God! For so long Ali, you have been controlling me and my life. RUINING everything. So for once, you are not going to dictate what happens. Right now, I do."
Something about her yelling like this, but still sitting so close to me, caused something in me to ignite, "Okay then, tell me what you want!"
Em stood and balled her fists, I knew she would never hurt me, but I never seen her so upset. Her face was red and tear stricken and all I could do was sit there.
She brought her hands up to her chest and then threw them down at her sides, "THE TRUTH ALISON! HOW ABOUT THE TRUTH FOR A CHANGE?" She sat down next to me, put her hands on her knees and dropped and her head. Her voice was a soft whisper that I strained my ear trying to hear, "No more, I've had enough. No more lies Ali, just-just tell me the truth for once." She sounded just as broken as I felt.
"That's why I'm here Emily, and I'm not leaving until I tell you what I've wanted to tell you for years. And now that –A is gone, Shana, is gone, I can say the truth without anyone trying to use it against please just look at me so you know it's not a lie. Just look at me."
Em sighed. Once.
Took a deep breath. Twice.
And it took her three seconds to lift her head and look at me. But not where I wanted.
I shook my head and reached for her chin, cupping it softly in my hand, "my eyes," and I lifted her chin until brown met blue, like the waves meet the shore.
She held my gaze and I let my hand fall slowly from her face into my lap. I was glad she hadn't flinched at the contact, but I knew this was my one chance to get this right.
"Em, I don't know how to-"
"Start at the beginning."
And so I did.
x x x
"…and I should have never kept this a secret for so long, but coming back, and seeing how much everything has changed, how much you have changed made me realize that you, all of you were never the ones who needed me, I was the one who needed you. And I still need you now. As a matter of fact, Emily, I WANT you."
It felt like I had been talking for hours, and maybe I was, but there was I lot I had to say and it all came flooding out as soon as I opened my mouth. I tried to gauge Em's reaction as best as I could but for the first time I couldn't read her, it was too difficult to decipher the look in her eye while spilling my heart out to her. I was so nervous and so scared but I couldn't stop. It was such a relief to let her know exactly how I felt. But I finished and felt out of breath as I finally looked at her and really looked this time. Looked at all the details in her face I could only try to mimic in my dreams when I was away.
"Ali, I- I don't know what to say."
And that wasn't want I wanted, but it was better than I deserved. It still hurt, but I would live.
I nodded and then shook my head, "I don't know what I expected you to say, so you don't have to say anything, I just had to tell you. You deserve to know the truth, and what you do with it is up to you, I just, I couldn't hold it in anymore."
I stood up to leave but she stopped me, her hand wrapping firmly around my wrist. I looked at our hands, touching and then down her arm until our eyes met again.
"Why?"
"What?"
"You heard me Ali, why?"
"Why what Em?"
"Why Ali! Why, after all this time did you want to tell me this. We've known each other for years, you've played with me for years, laughed at me for the way I felt about you, so why, why after all this time do you feel the need to tell me the truth? I want to believe you, I do, but tell me why you waited. Why are you telling me now? Because since I'm the "loyal one," I'd be least likely to turn you away right?"
"No, Em, it's not about that."
"Then what is it."
Should I tell her now? That's what I wanted to do right? Right?
"Em, I-"
"Say it Ali."
"What?"
"Just say it, if it's the truth, say it."
She couldn't have known, could she? How?
"Emily, Em, I- I," I stammered, words stumbled over each other, but before I knew it, she stood and faced me, put her hand against my chin and raised it until I met her brown orbs.
"Right here Ali, my eyes."
And I couldn't help but smile at the light mocking, but I could tell she meant it. And the way her eyes softened and her mouth curled into a smile, the feel of her skin on mine, it felt right…and they slipped.
"I love you."
My mouth closed shut and my eyes widened, mirroring Em's. I sighed and nodded, I couldn't be upset, why would I expect her to say it back? I put my head down when Em's hand fell from my face and to her side and I turned to leave.
I was barely able to take a half step forward, when my wrist was grabbed, tighter this time and my arm was yanked back, pulling my body back until I was spun around and my body collided with Emily's.
"Uh-"
"I love you too."
"What? Em after all I've done? I –"
Ali just shutup for a second, I love you, and that couldn't be any closer to the truth."
I was overwhelmed with emotion, my heart picked up its pace and I was finding it harder and harder to breathe. Never in my life did I ever experience a moment like this, where I was so happy and nervous and relieved and scared and all at once.
"Are you sure?"
Em laughed and I realized how I must've sounded.
"Yes, Ali, I'm sure, I've always loved you. Who you were then never stopped me, and there's nothing you can do now that will stop me."
"But Em, I- I- what about the girls, and your parents, I know they don't really like me and I don't think the girls will be happy with you and I, well whatever this is and we don't have to label it of you don't want, but if you do then I guess-"
But I was cut off. Emily grabbed my face, and we locked eyes, both leaning in closer and closer until her breath tickled my nose and I was sure she could hear the pounding in my chest.
"Shut up and kiss me."
"Deal."
And the moment our lips collided…
No One's POV
"Get the doctor in here now, her heat rate is spiking, she might be going through shock. Also tell him she's going to need new meds for her arm when she comes to."
Alison could hear faint beeping, gradually getting louder until it was waking her up. She tried to open her eyes, but her whole face felt like it was on fire. Ali tried to move her body, only to find it incredibly sore. She lie still, remembering to breathe…but that was it, that was all she could remember. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.
Then a voice to her right could be heard, "what happened?"
"Nothing severe doc, just a dramatic rise in heart rate and I believe she's waking up now."
"Okay, give me the prints from all her scans, I left them downstairs, also bring the antibiotics for the arm and pain meds for everything else."
Ali tried to open her mouth, or sit up, but all that came from her mouth was a low groan. Then as she started to regain feeling in her body, she realized she was hooked to up to tiny tubes and needles…she wiggled her toes and recognized that she also had a cast on her right leg, with several stitches running along the other. She raised her arm to help her sit up, only to find a shot of pain radiate from her right shoulder. She had no recollection of where she was, or what happened, as a matter of fact; she hardly remembered anything other than, her dream…or was it a memory. Who was with her in that dream?
"Dr. Pearson, she's waking up."
"Oh good, okay have the nurses on standby, I can take it from here."
Ali knew she should have been panicking, but she realized that would do no good. She was obviously hurt and in a hospital.
"Hello there, can you open your eyes?" The voice, Dr. Pearson's voice could be heard and Ali forced her eyelids to open.
"Good, that's good. Listen, I don't want you to move too fast alright? Do you want to sit up?"
Ali merely nodded, and with the help of the Dr. she was able to get up. Her Dr. was a man, maybe mid to late 30s, tall and handsome, but Ali knew she had never seen him before.
"My name is Dr. Pearson, and you were involved in an accident. Before I go on, I need to ask you a few questions okay?"
Alison nodded and stared at the man's face.
He looked up then at the door and nodded. When he did so, it was a sign to let more strangers into the room. Only this time Ali recognized by what they were wearing, that they weren't doctors.
"These are officers from the police department and their superior from the FBI. They're here to get the story of what happened to you and…well let's just start."
But why had the he not finished his thought, Ali wondered, what else was he going to say.
Ali looked at the two officers and the FBI agent with no name yet. Three more strange men surrounding her this small of a room, she had no memory and what scared her the most was the fact that she wasn't freaking out.
"Okay, can you tell me your full name?"
Ali looked away from the officers, who stood furthest away from her and into the eyes of her doctor. They were brown and warm, and reminded her of something, or was it someone.
"Did you hear me, do you know your full name?"
Ali nodded, "Alison Lauren DiLaurentis." It came so easy, she didn't have to think, maybe she would remember if she just started talking out loud.
"Good, good, now Alison, tell me, were you born?"
Ali swallowed and it hit her, "June 23, 1995."
"Yes, that's great Alison, who are your parents?"
Ali bit her lip, her parents? "Ken and Jessica."
"Alright so you seem to know the basics, can you tell me where you were born?"
"Rosewood. Pennsylvania."
"Okay Alison, now here's the harder question, can you tell me the last thing you remember?"
Ali opened her mouth to speak, but shut it. She closed her eyes and thought. She could remember growing up and going to school, she remembered high school, but some parts of her life were missing, someone was missing, it was blurry, the edges of her memories were fuzzy, she was forgetting something, but she knew it wasn't just a thing, it was a person…people in her life were blurry away and before she could open her eyes, she felt her cheeks getting wet, she was crying.
"Alison, no Alison, it's okay sweetie, you have been through a tremendously stressful situation and upon us finding you, you had hit your head pretty hard. If you can't remember right now, that's okay, you have a minor concussion, and it may have caused some memory loss."
"Memory loss? Minor concussion? What happened?"
But Dr. Pearson couldn't respond, instead, the FBI agent stepped forward into the light and stood at the foot of her bed, "that's why we're here Alison, we need to hear from you what happened 2 days ago."
"Two days?"
"Yes," Pearson answered, "you have been asleep for two days."
Ali shook her head; she couldn't have been sleeping for two days. Where were her parents? Where in the world was this hospital, and what had happened to her that she need FBI to question her?
Ali shook her head and turned to the side, to look out the window, but the light coming in caught on something near the table beside her bed. She winced from the bright glare and refocused her attention.
There, sitting on the table in a clear plastic bag, were two gold pieces of jewelry.
Ali looked quizzically at them and to her doctor with the familiar brown eyes, "may I?"
Dr. Pearson nodded, "you had them with you when you were brought in, and you practically fought the technicians who were running the CT scans and x-rays on you when you had to take them off."
Ali shook her head, not remembering that particular memory but nevertheless, she reached across the table with her good arm and picked up the bag. She opened it and very carefully she pulled out the long necklace. She sat the rest in her lap and looked at the piece of jewelry, something about holding it felt right, she knew that this was something that belonged. She turned it over in her hands until she stopped at the charm hanging from it. She immediately recognized it as the Eiffel Tower and-
"You and me in sweet Paris? How does that sound?"
"How long are we going away for?"
"How about forever?"
Ali opened her eyes and gasped as if she had been drowning and just broke the surface of the water to breathe, "EMILY!"
The doctor stood up and scooted back, pointing to one of the police officers, "go outside and tell the lady at the desk that I need Karen to bring in some sedatives just in case."
"I REMEMBER, I REMEMBER!"
"Alison, okay calm down, what do you remember?"
"EVERYTHING! –A isn't dead, and we ran but they found us."
"Who, Alison?" The FBI agent asked.
"I- I, can't, I need Emily. WHERE IS SHE? WHERE IS SHE?" Alison's voice rose and she made quick movements to get out of the bed, but her leg hurt and her shoulder was screaming. She felt like her muscles were on fire.
"Alison, you need to calm down okay?"
Ali stopped once she managed to push away the doc and stand up, despite how badly her body needed to stay down.
Ali smiled wide at the realization that Emily was the one in her dream…well memory. And she thought as far back as she could and nothing was fuzzy anymore. Em was there and the colors in her mind were more exuberant than ever. Ali thought about everything…but that was the problem: all the memories came flooding back at once…including what had happened two days ago.
She remembers Em being hurt, of her jumping in front of bullets to save her, and of Emily tackling –A, she remembers Emily forcing her to leave and get help, of running and running, the pain in her shoulder was worse, but she couldn't, wouldn't stop her legs, she remembers being found by that nice couple.
But worst of all, worse than the blaring sirens, blinding lights, news reporters and the helicopter, she remembers, holding on to Emily's hand, and feeling the warmth leave her body, and the sound of her heart flat lining.
Alison looked up, "No, NO! NO. Tell me. Tell me it's not true. Doctor tell me, Emily is okay, she's alright. She didn't…No it should've been me, it should've been me, it's all my fault."
"Alison calm down, what are you talking about?"
"EMILY! SHE DIED! SHE DIED FOR ME!"
Dr. Pearson shook his head and lightly rested his hand on her shoulders, "Alison," and when Ali looked up, she realized he had the same warm in his brown eyes as Emily, and she couldn't look at them.
Ali shook her head and started to cry convulsively, sobbing, shaking, tears burning her skin, and for once she wish it were true, that her skin was being set on fire where her tears fell…anything to take away from the pain in her heart.
"Alison, Emily Fields isn't dead."
But Ali was so consumed by the hurt and pain, she couldn't hear him.
"The doctor's in the ER were able to resuscitate her but she hasn't regained consciousness, she's been in a coma since she got here. She lost a lot of blood and has a few broken ribs, and as it stands she's barely breathing on her own."
Ali's mind raced in a million different directions as the words he spoke slowly came into place in her mind. She was trying to make sense of everything but she was missing a few pieces.
"She's alive?! Well I have to talk to her, and tell her I'm okay. You have to call her parents and our friends, they'll be worried sick about us and tell them where we are. Tell them, wait, are they here? They have to be here already."
"Alison, Alison! That's not all."
"What?"
"That's not all."
"What do you mean? Just call them, tell them that we're safe and that we're alive and in- in, that we're here."
"I think you should sit down."
"No why? Take me to see Emily and give me a phone to call everyone."
"No one will answer."
"What, why would you say that? Of course they will, that's our family."
"No, Alison, even if you called, you wouldn't be able to get a hold of them."
"We called every one of your contacts once we figured yours and Emily's ID and we told them the condition of your health and what we think happened and where you were. You're back in Oregon by the way, and no sooner than we hung up, your family and friends all said that they were going to catch the next flight and be here as soon as possible."
"See! I told you! Are they here now?"
Dr. Pearson's eyes dropped to the floor and he himself, felt like he should sit down, but he didn't.
"Alison, there- there was an accident."
Ali laughed nervously, this couldn't be happening, none of this was happening, it was all a nightmare that she had to wake up from.
"Yeah, you told me, I was in an accident, I know." Ali's tone didn't match the quiver in her voice, nor the shaking in her hands, or the tightness in her chest.
"No, Alison, there was an accident with the airline your families were on."
"Are they ok?"
Alison, a severe storm swept through West Virginia and reached Pennsylvania during their take off. The pilots couldn't do anything about it."
"No." Alison wasn't accepting it. She couldn't.
"Alison, their plane was barely 500 ft in the air and climbing when it crashed. The pilots thought if they made it high enough, quick enough, they could break through and the calm, but-"
"No, you're lying. YOU'RE LYING!" By now, tears were in steady streams down her face, her voice was unstable and the heavy feeling in her chest was suffocating her. "It's not true. It's not. They're all on their way right now, when I call them, any one of them, they're going to answer and say when they'll be here."
"No, Alison, I'm sorry, but they won't. There were no survivors from that flight. You're family was on that flight Alison, I'm sorry."
Ali swayed back and forth and it felt as though she might faint. Pearson caught the back of her elbows to steady her but as soon as she stopped moving, Ali looked up, into the eyes so similar to Emily's her Emily's and she snapped.
"LIAR!" Ali brought her hands up, ignoring the pain in her shoulder and the pulling of her skin until the stitches ripped and clenched her fists, beating against Pearson's broad chest. He stood there and turned his head, letting the small young girl pound against him, her pounding getter softer and slower, her shouts quieting down until her fists thumped one last time and she brought her forehead to the middle of his chest. Dr. Pearson shooed the officers away and they left, standing just outside the door.
"It's not true, it's not true. They're supposed to be here. With Emily. They're her family, she needs them. She needs them more than she needs me."
Ali was crying, sobbing, each word coming out between shaking and painful breaths.
She cried until her eyes were swollen, crying their names into the doctor's chest, "Hanna…Aria…Spencer…she needs them. Her mom and dad, she's their world. Em can't live without her dad. She can't. I'm the one who should've taken those bullets, I should dead, I should be dead."
Nothing was audible to Alison over the sound of her own crying. Every thump of her heart hurt more and more until the pain was numbing.
"You are all that that girl has left. If, no, when she pulls through, she'd going to need to by her side Alison. You can't give up on her."
Ali shook her head, "she's never needed me, I was the one who needed her. She needs her family, she's going to need them more than me."
"That's not true. If she did what you said, and has saved you, then that means she needed you then and she still needs you now."
Ali sat against the bed and the world blurred away from her, tears clouding her vision until she couldn't even produce them anymore, just the sobs and chest pain.
She couldn't hear when the nurse came in, and she didn't notice when she injected pain med into the IV, but soon Ali was overtaken by grief and leaned into the bed, closing her eyes yet again, feeling lonely than ever before.
x x x x
When Alison opened her eyes, it was almost pitch black except for the TV that was on. She slowly sat up, wincing as she felt more stitches in her shoulder and her foot was throbbing in its cast. She remembered waking up and finding out the death of her friends and family, but her eyes were dried out. She could only feel the pain in her chest. Like someone had their hand wrapped around her heart, squeezing it tight, making it harder to breathe. The weight of her heart was heavier than anything she's ever held and it sunk like lead to the pit of her stomach. She wouldn't cry anymore, she couldn't.
She sat up and looked for water, finding some on the table beside her. She drank it and peeled the sticky note off from the side.
If you wake up before morning,
Emily is in the ICU for now, Rm 13.
She needs you.
-Dr. P
Alison slowly threw her legs over the side of the bed and forced herself to stand, again putting almost all of her weight on her good leg, when she fell, she had managed to get stabbed by –A in the right shoulder, break her right ankle, get stitches in her left foot and of course she had the minor concussion. Still no amount of the those injuries combined or intensified amounted to the pain sitting inside.
Ali managed to hobble to the edge of the bed, bring the IV bag with her, and sit herself in the wheelchair that she assumed Dr. Pearson had left for her.
There was another sticky note on the arm rest:
P.S. Down the hall to your right, through the double doors, make a left and her room is on the left.
Ali crumpled the note and began pushing the wheels to Emily's room. It was harder than she expected, she mainly used her left arm and her muscles were beginning to burn.
She looked up and could see that she was barely half way down the first hall. She threw her head back and started to cry again, this time her tear ducts recovered enough to let them fall.
"Well, you'll never win any of the races in this hall if you act like that."
Ali brought her head up and looked around. The hallway was dimly lit, but she could make out the outline of another girl, leaning casually against one of the counters.
"Who are you?"
The girl stepped forward, into the light and smiled. Ali was shocked at the girls resemblance to herself, except this girl was thinner, taller and had a slightly bigger nose.
"The name is CeCe Drake, aka Wheelchair Racing Queen."
"CeCe, is that short for something?"
"Nope."
"Okay." And Alison resumed her struggle to Emily.
"What's your name?"
"I'm trying to get somewhere."
"That's an odd name." Said the blonde girl with blue eyes. She stepped in front of Ali and put her hand on her hip.
"Move please."
"Tell me your name, and I'll take you to wherever you're trying to escape from, although the elevator is in the other direction."
Ugh, Ali thought, this girl is pissing me off, but the pain in Ali's shoulder was bugging her more, so she sighed, "Alison. Okay? Now can you push me down the hall?"
"Alison? Hmmm, I like it."
"Great, now your turn."
CeCe just nodded and got behind Alison's chair, "where to?"
"ICU room 13."
Before Ali could give the strange blonde girl directions, CeCe was taking her through the double doors, making the turn and then stopping just in front of Room 13.
"Bye Ali."
"Don't call me that."
"Sorry…Alison, do you need me to take you back?"
"No, I'll be fine, leave me alone."
Ali looked over her shoulder to the other girl and made it clear with her eyes that she was not playing around.
The girl left and when Ali was sure she was gone, she sighed deeply and paced her hand on the door handle.
Ali pushed the door open and wheeled herself inside, stopping just in front of a drawn curtain. She was afraid of what she would see. She was seen the way her face was cut and red and blistering as she passed by the mirror in her room and it had looked bad. But she also knew that of the two, Emily had had it far worse. Ali swallowed hard and as she pushed the curtain to the side, the tears began their descent and their burning trail over her face yet again.
The curtain was drawn back enough so Ali could wheel herself in and her heart dropped even further.
There, laying perfectly still and covered in bandages over her arms and leg and stomach, was her Emily.
Ali covered her mouth with her hand and let out the tears she didn't know she was holding. Her world was just feet away, broken and hurt, quiet and so close to lifelessness. If Ali thought she experienced pain before, she was wrong.
I did this to you, she thought silently to Emily.
She wheeled herself closer until her knees were against the side of the bed and stopped. Sitting still and just staring. Silently crying, silently hurting.
Ali reached out her hand and slowly, cautiously reached for Emily's face. Ali felt as though one wrong move and Em would be gone for good, as if she could disappear forever. Ali let her palm hold Emily's cheek and she dared not squeeze it, for fear that Emily was too far fragile.
Ali bit her quivering lip in an attempt to keep it still and keep from crying louder. She bit down hard until she thought she broke the skin.
"Em," she croaked, "I'm so sorry." Emily's cheek wasn't cold like Ali remembered her hand being, but it just didn't emit the same warmth as before.
Ali put her head down on the bed and sobbed until she couldn't, and lay there still until her breathing became normal.
"Em, you know, I heard that people in coma's can sometimes still hear when people talk to them. I hope that's true. I hope that it is."
Ali waited and realized Em wasn't just sleeping, she wouldn't be woken up of Ali merely kissed her lips, or shook her shoulder lightly. Ali waited as if waiting for Em to answer and the watergates opened and again.
"Em," so broken, so fragile, "I'm sorry, you shouldn't be laying there, I should be. You've risked everything for me and this is what you get, I'm so sorry. But you can't leave me. Not you too. You're all that I have left Emily, do you hear me? You're all I have left. So don't you dare leave me too."
Ali brought her hand down from stroking Emily' hair and brought it to hold her hand, "you're in there Emily, I knew you are, and I want you to know I'm not giving up on you. I won't, but…"
And Ali sat and squeezed Em's hand as hard as she would dare, "But, I wouldn't blame you. I wouldn't."
Emily lay unresponsive and Ali could no longer focus on the finer details as her vision clouded with the memory of what happened to their friends and parents, "Em, it's okay, I wouldn't be mad if you decided to go, to leave me. I would still love you, I still love you know, but if you don't want to fight it anymore, that's okay too. When you wake up-" Ali choked on the words she had to say…if not for Emily, than for herself.
"When you wake up Em, there won't be a family to wake up to, and it's my fault. It's all my fault. You would wake up to me and I'm not enough, I never have been and I'm so sorry for making us both believe that I was. So-s-so, you can go Emily, be with them. You don't have to keep them waiting. I don't deserve to keep you anyways."
Ali dropped her head and sobbed into the bed at what she was saying. "You don't need my permission, but if you wanted it, you have it. You have my permission to leave, the world will never be the same without you, but it didn't love you like I do."
Ali unclenched her other fist and looked down in her hand. She reached for Emily's and wrapped her bracelet around her wrist, "maybe not in Paris, but if you leave, and if you wait for me again, we could still spend forever together." Ali closed the clasp and dropped Em's hand to the bed.
Who am I kidding? Ali thought to herself, I couldn't live without her.
"Em, you know that old saying? It goes like, if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't they never were. Well this is it, right here and right now. I let you go as soon as –A got to you. So now it's up to you Em, go or come back. Go or come back!"
Ali started yelling softly at Emily, who looked so peaceful, unknowing to the inner turmoil that was slowly eating away her Alison.
Ali pounded her fists to her legs, ignoring to the pain it reignited and cried hard. "Em, Em, I'm sorry."
Wake up, wake up, and come back to me please.
Ali opened her eyes, imagining a smile on Em's face, imagining the twinkle in her brown eyes. Ali held Em's hand in both of her and her voice was gentle again.
"When I woke up on that highway, and seen them carry you into the back of that ambulance, I had no idea the condition I was in. I couldn't feel anything but the universe pulling me towards you. I could feel some pain seeping in but that wasn't what hurt the most. You want to know what did though?"
Ali waited again, as if Emily would nod and she continued, "There are times now and again, when I think I can't handle it anymore, no more of the physical pain, but that's not what gets me, you want to know what hurt the most, I'll tell you, what hurt the most, was being so close, yet watching you slip away, and having so much to say. I watched the light fade from your eyes, I felt the way the warmth left your body, I hurt your heart stop Emily. What hurt the most was knowing that, even if temporarily, you died. From protecting me, you died holding my hand, and I couldn't do anything about it.
"But you still have me, and if you want to stay and wake up, I will be here, and I want you to come back to me Em, I'm too selfish to give you up now.
"Come back," Ali pulled lightly against her arm, "come back, come back to me. If this were a movie you'd be awake by now, come back to me Em, because I need you. If you're in there, if you're somewhere, or if you're moving on, I will wait for you, just know I want you back, I want to see your eyes open and feel you holding me again.
Ali wiped her face and used all the strength she had to stand on her good leg. She first leaned down and placed her head over Emily's chest, it was the one thing that would never change, the way Em's heart beat would always be familiar to Ali. Ali lifted her head further and slowly brushed her lips against Emily's in a ghost of a kiss, "Emily, you're all the home I have left, and I'm so sorry that yours was taken away, but I promise that if you stay, I will be your home. And I will never leave you."
Ali eyelids were heavy, her eyes burned, her throat hurt from crying and her body felt exhausted, she was falling asleep in her chair, but she didn't care, she fell asleep anyways with Em's hand in hers and the last thing she managed to get out of her lips was a silent plead of "come back to me Em."
Ali was already asleep or maybe she thought she imagined it, but she would never know for sure if Em really moved her thumb ever so lightly across the back of her hand, or if it was all in her head.
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AN: Please, I beg of you, tell me what you thought? Leave your reviews and comments for me and hopefully I will be back soon with the next chapter. Again, this is so different from what I've written before so I'm not sure what else to say.
Lina