Red's words haunted Raven's mind. "I WILL" She will. Red will be in control. The demon was going to take control on the night of the Blood Moon and assault Beast Boy!
Raven had managed to escape, Red's words echoing through her mind like background music. 'I have to stop this.' I WILL. 'I can't let this happen.' I WILL. 'He doesn't deserve to be stuck with me.' I WILL. 'He doesn't love me.' I WILL
Angry tears rush up to film over her eyes. She levitates several books off her shelves and looks them over, flipping through multiple pages, scanning each one for answers. She read several texts ranging in different languages: German, Latin, and Romanian. Nothing was coming up. Nothing that could help her with her dilemma.
She looks at her clock, noting that the sun will rise in a few hours. Robin should be up soon. She knows this because the two of them are the first to rise, her to make her morning tea and meditate, Robin, to watch the sunrise, and begin morning training.
Raven continues to search through her books, runes, everything that could help her. Soon, she stumbles upon a dark gray journal, tightly bound closed by a brown thread, with different pages, brown with age, sticking their corners out unevenly. It was her childhood journal, the first and only gift her mother had ever given her. Her mother had left it outside of Raven's room when she was nine, with a note attached saying it was for her and from her mother. Raven cherished it as a little girl, but almost had the journal taken away because her emotions were still uncontrollable and her delight at receiving such a gift left her room in ruin, as well as several important artifacts.
Luckily, Azar herself insisted she keeps it, explaining that the journal could help Raven cope with her emotions better, so long as she was willing to work harder to keep herself calm. Raven promised and so her training continued until Azar's passing, making Arella, Raven's mother, the new spiritual leader of Azarath. This did not do much to improve their relationship however if anything it set a strange tension between mother and daughter. As a leader, Arella's responsibilities were to the people of Azarath and their protection. Raven's presence was a foreboding shadow looming over the once peaceful dimension. It was no secret that some of the monks, a few have spoken to Arella privately about Raven, wishing to get rid of her so their home may return to its former tranquil state. That did not happen. And years later, Azarath was destroyed.
Raven still had her journal though. She took it with her to Earth, hoping to document her experiences. Sadly, she had not been able to write much since coming to Earth. She gently blows the dust off her journal and unwinds the thread. The pages were growing yellow with age and becoming stiff like thin layers of cardboard, and sticking together.
Raven reads the first page.
"Dear journal,
I'm not sure if this is how I am supposed to start this. I have never had a journal before, but Azar says it will be good for me to write my feelings and healthily express myself a little.
I don't know how I feel about this. I don't know how I feel about anything anymore. I want to express myself, but every time I try something bad always happens. I can't help it. I know the monks are scared of me. I'm scared of me too.
I guess I need to introduce myself. I don't know why I should, but one of the children that I still see from time to time explained that I should introduce myself to you as I would to a new friend.
I don't know if that's true or not. A lot of the other children are scared to be near me and I know they dislike me, some even hate me. I don't blame them.
My name is Raven. I have thought about changing my name so the children could like me. I have thought about changing my name to Rachel Roth, but even if I do, they will never like me. I'm too creepy.
I guess I need to describe myself too since you don't have eyes. My hair is violet, I like to think it's a similar color to the misty mountains I've seen in pictures books. They're from a place called Earth, and the mountains are in Africa. They're beautiful and lovely. I hope to visit Earth someday. Maybe the people there won't be so afraid of me.
My eyes are purple too, but darker. Sort of like a deep plum color. I have grayish skin. And recently a chakra was placed on my forehead by Azar herself. She said it will help me control my powers.
Speaking of my powers, I suppose I need to tell you about them. I don't' know how they work exactly, but I do know they are based on my emotions. If I feel, I release energy, and that energy manifests itself in a dark aura that can break objects nearby, even if I don't focus on them.
Once, I was upset at this girl who told me I looked like a ghost with my gray skin, and a window broke, and glass cut her arms and face. She bled a lot that day and I was sent to my room. I never saw that girl again. I hope she is okay. I have asked about her, but the monks told me she is not going to be near me again. It is probably for the best, I suppose. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted a friend.
I don't think that will happen though. I'm not like the others. I'm nothing like my mother. She knows I'm not like her and she can not be around me. I still see her sometimes, every once in a while. She looks like she wants to say something to me. I can feel she wants to tell me something important, something that she strongly believes I need to know. It's strange to feel other's emotions. It is like feeling hot and cold elements. When someone is happy, they feel pleasantly warm, like a summer morning. When they are sad, they are cold like ice and damp. I would even say they have a certain smell as well, like wet moss. Anger is a feeling I have felt from others around me, even if they cannot act on it, I know they want to do me harm or send me away somewhere else.
I guess that isnt' anger, exactly, but it is close. When a person is angry there is a burning feeling, like fire surrounding them. When they are disgusted, the burning simmers, but it feels like hot smog that suffocates you. I know it sounds disgusting, but I have grown used to these feelings of others. I know they don't like me and I have accepted this as my way of life. I wish I knew why though. What have I done to make them all hate me?
Is there a reason?"
The rest of the page was covered in dark spots. Raven's eyes start to burn but she immediately suffocated the total wave of emotion. She had almost forgotten the neglect she felt from those around her in her early childhood. Most did not want to be around her, afraid of her father's influence. One of the monks had tried to do away with her when she was a baby, breaking the most sacred rule in Azarath of taking another life. He was killed though by and observing Trigon, who destroyed the monk immediately.
When Raven was older and had learned the circumstances of her birth, she had tried to do away with herself but couldn't. Her powers, given to her by Trigon, healed her immediately, forcing her to stay alive until the prophecy was fulfilled.
Now the prophecy has come and gone, the Earth was still whole and Trigon had been banished. Raven did not think anything else could happen, but now she is reminded of her father once more, his essence still flows through her veins, like a poison. She did not expect to live past sixteen, but here she is, a young woman, on the crest of adulthood, and soon will fall into heat that will undoubtedly make Beast Boy hate her forever if Red managed to force herself onto him.
She can't do that to him, they are barely friends, and her growing affections are one-sided. He does not love her, he will never love her.
Raven sets her journal aside and continues to look through her belongings. Nothing comes up. Nothing that could help her. Nothing.
Troq.
She remembers that word from Starfire's explanation. The word held a sinister meaning, something that Raven feels like now. A Troq. Worthless. A nothing. She should have bee more prepared. She should have thought ahead. Had she been so focused on her destiny that she never once thought, "Maybe there is a chance it will be avoided."
Troq.
Looking at her clock, Raven notes that her time is running short. She doesn't have long before Red takes control and- Raven shivers, a terrible chill races down her spine. Tears start to burn the back of her eyes.
Beast Boy doesn't deserve this. He deserves someone else, someone who can make him laugh as often as he has tried to make her laugh, or even smile. He was the heart of the team, the one who stood up for everyone when Robin was losing himself on his quest to stop Slade. He stood up for Starfire when Cyborg yelled at her.
He had saved Raven on occasion, and the playfully banters they had were cherished in her memories.
"I have to leave." Her eyes widen as the words leak from her parted lips, scratching her lower lips like razer blades. The idea was not new for her. She has thought about leaving the team in the past for their protection, but never went through with it. She always felt she could stay just a little longer and enjoy the moment.
Her heart hardens into stone and drops. Shattering into a million pieces. Raven gazes her room, taking note of all her supplies and magical items that have taken her years to collect, both from Azarath and from Earth. How can she take them with her? What is necessary and what isn't?
Would they look for her?
Yes, they would, how can she even think they wouldn't? Robin would immediately call all the Titans from all parts of the globe to help in the search. Beast Boy would morph into a bloodhound and sniff for her scent. Starfire would do an aerial search alongside everyone else who can fly. Cyborg would try to track her down via her communicator. And Robin, besides gathering all the available Titans together, would contact his mentor, Batman, and probably ask the Justice League for help as well.
Heck, Beast Boy might be able to get help from the Doom Patrol.
Her friends would not rest until she is found. Even if she were to leave a note explicitly telling them she can't stay for unspecified reasons, they would still look for her. It is what they did for Starfire when she went into her crystal form. Luckily they found her before she had been eaten.
Raven sighs to herself, frustrated and exhausted. Magic her only solution and yet she could not find any spell that could rid her of her demon blood. There has to be something or someone who could help, maybe in another dimension, perhaps in another realm. Would Azarath have anything? She has not been there since in a while, the last time she saw it it was burning to the ground. Would she have been welcomed by her people? Would they cast her out?
The terror that was Trigon passed a while ago, his influence is no longer a threat to anyone anymore, at least not while Raven was around. Since banishing her father and unraveling his evil, a pure white feeling flooded back into Raven's soul, this feeling drained away when she learned her home had been destroyed. Raven never had the chance to investigate where this feeling came from, too busy with missions and her emotional dramas.
Perhaps she could visit it again?
Maybe she could leave a note or something, telling her friends she went to Azarath for personal business. Would they go with her?
Raven knows they will respect her wishes to do this solo. However, that did no mean Beast Boy or Starfire would not try to tag along. No doubt, Starfire would be eager to visit Raven's dimension in hopes of getting closer to the only other female on the team. And Beast Boy is always eager to go on vacation. He might think it's like visiting Tokyo and would want to get the full experience.
Ugh, she can already imagine him in Azarath trying to locate a local gift shop and sporting tourist clothes.
However, if she were to insist on everyone staying, they may respect her wishes. Starfire was eager and childlike, but she also understood boundaries to a degree. Beast Boy, on the other hand, Rave would need to be extra cautious about, not only because of her growing afflictions towards the green titan but also because he would probably try to follow her.
He did morph into a fly to spy on her once.
Jerk.
When Robin went to learn from the greatest martial arts master in the world, they wanted to go with him, but he decided to leave alone, and everyone respected it. Of course, Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Starfire couldn't go a day or so without missing their leader and dressed up like him for fun. Raven had joined in because the mask made her feel cool.
Raven smiles weakly at the memory. It had been embarrassing to be caught doing something so childish, but it was fun, and at least she wasn't caught doing it alone. She had been included, not cast out. Beast Boy always finds a way to include her. Thinking about him made her heart swell and bleed. She did not want to leave him. Her inner demon chose the changeling as her mate, and demons are loyal to their mates.
Beast Boy deserves better. He deserves someone who isn't creepy or weird, or scary, or mean, or heartless, or sad, or lonely, or cold, or distant, or anything that makes Raven Raven. He deserves someone who is the opposite of her, a completely different person entirely. Someone bright and cheerful and loving and sweet. He deserves someone like Tara before Slade showed his ugly face again.
Tara was a good person. Beneath the malice she showed when she sided with Slade, Tara was just a scared little girl who didn't know how to control her powers. Raven and she were a lot alike in that regard.
If Raven could change the past she would have saved Tara, stopped her somehow from turning into stone, and make sure Beast Boy got his dream girl. Maybe then Raven would have been saved the heartbreak of trying to let go. This shattering feeling in her soul was just like what happened with Malchior, but somehow it had become so much worse.
Malchior had charmed her with words and sweet compliments that Raven never had addressed to her before. He made her laugh, made her feel like a person, like a beautiful woman. He tricked her to dream sweet things, things that she would normally turn away from. Things like love, happiness, and hope. Hope that finally she found someone who wasn't scared of her, or thought of her as a creepy goth. Hope that she might get happily ever after.
Then his true nature came and that hope was beaten and burned.
Raven wanted to crawl into the earth and die. She wished she was dead. Raven would have never left her room ever again, too ashamed and upset that she let a boy sweet-talk her like she was some kind of flustering school girl. Her, a sorceress with the power to stop time, or bring upon the apocalypse, had been swayed and used by someone who didn't see her as anything more than a tool.
No matter what she was always the tool. The tool for her father. The tool for Malcore. And now a tool for her biology. Will she ever get her happy ending?
Then Beast Boy showed up, as he always did when she got upset, whether someone else hurt her or he did and spoke the truth. He was sorry Malchior broke her heart. He was sorry someone took advantage of her and left her with a hole in her chest. Beast Boy did not do this because he loved Raven, he did it because he understood her. It was not the first time he had come to her aid.
Her feelings for Beast Boy were not founded by sweet words or charming tales, but of mutual respect and loyalty to one another as teammates. He was goofy and childish and immature most days, but she can tell that much like her distant, Beast Boy's actions were a mask to hide the pain. He has been through as much as her, losing family, leaving home, trying to find a purpose in a merciless world. Raven's love for him started with slight admiration, then it grew into appreciation and affection, and finally bloomed into love. The kind of love that is pure and white and homey. The kind of love that she knows won't go away easily, it was like a little lamb, soft and sweet, but with the fierceness of a lion, unpredictable and wild.
But as the saying goes, if you love something set it free...
She has to leave until she can find a way to fix this. Maybe she should talk to Robin, confide in him that she needs to leave Earth for a while. He is very understanding. He should understand.
Decision made, Raven packs a few meager belongings, her mirror, a couple of books and the lucky penny Beast Boy gave her. She rubs the little coin with her thumb before slipping it in her belt, then she leaves to find Robin.