"Well, look at that. My two favorite patients!"
Lenny's unusually cheery voice disrupted their late afternoon break and Steve glanced up from the guest chair in Mike's office, a chocolate chip cookie in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other.
Across from him, the Lieutenant sighed in feign annoyance before lowering his own cookie to get up and shake Lenny's hand.
"Didn't take you long to come and find us here. He's been released from the cuckoo ward for what, eight hours?", he grunted, before motioning for the Psychiatrist to grab the other guest chair.
"Care to guess who signed Wonderboy's release form, Lieutenant? Here I thought I was being nice, but I see it has done absolutely nothing to your cantankerous disposition, now has it?"
Smiling at the friendly banter going on, Steve leaned back, his eyes going back and forth between both parties in growing amusement.
"My disposition was fine until you walked in and disrupted our late lunch. What do you want?"
Sliding into the guest chair right next to him, Lenny briefly played with a cigarette in his coat pocket, but quickly retrieved his hand when Mike stared at him threateningly.
"Just doing a welfare check on you guys. How're you holding up, Steve? Any more nightmares? Doctor Walters said that you were doing pretty good."
Swallowing the cookie crumbs down with a sip of hot coffee, the young Inspector nodded, before clearing his throat.
"Yeah, the eh…the voices are all gone and I am not seeing things anymore."
Steve knew the moment he'd tried to bypass Lenny's question, that the Psychiatrist's cued senses had picked up on it.
"What about at night though? How did you sleep? Did you wake up at all? The light sedatives I prescribed treat you well?"
Glancing down at his coffee mug and knowing that two intent sets of eyes were trained on his every move, Steve nodded, even managing a fleeting smile.
"Slept pretty good, as good as one can when you're surrounded by a bunch of…interesting characters in a psych ward."
"And just think…", Mike interrupted with a facetious smile, "Here you had the perfect audience for that…that camel-in-the-desert joke you think is so funny. I bet you they would have gotten it."
Grateful to move on from the uncomfortable topic and sharing a hearty chuckle with the Lieutenant, Steve shook his head, before reaching for another cookie.
"You're just mad because I had to tell it to you three times before you got it, Lieutenant."
"You had to tell me three times because you're horrible at telling jokes and lost me halfway through the first two times."
"I see things are back to normal again…", Lenny interfered lightheartedly, before grabbing a cookie off Steve's tray, much to the young Inspector's ire, "Just make sure you finish the prescription I wrote you up. Those meds will counteract what is left of the CPZ in your system. I won't lie, in thirty years on the job; I have never seen such a high concentration in any halfway functioning human being…which really makes me wonder about your level of sanity. Anyway, I had to call up a few of the big guys to see how to best treat you. Remember that I released you back on duty under the condition that you take it easy. It's been a rough week…on everybody."
Eyeing the two detectives worriedly, Lenny ate a piece of cookie, ready to continue his lecture, when a knock on the doorframe disrupted them. Entering his office for a few steps, a weary-faced Art Sekulovich cleared his throat, before pointing outside.
"Lieutenant, Rudy is in the east side interrogation room. Said he wanted to talk to you about an upcoming case."
"Sounds good, tell him I'll be there in a minute."
Nodding in understanding, Mike watched the Sergeant leave, and then glanced over through the glass walls to his right, where Rudy was busy preparing a case file he'd heard about on the way up.
And it definitely wasn't going to be an easy one.
"Listen, I gotta head out for a few minutes. Finish those cookies while you catch up, will ya? I can't eat any more. Well I could, but I shouldn't."
Steve glanced up in time to see Mike's warm eyes scan him top to bottom, as if to ensure he wasn't a figment of his imagination. For a moment, they continued their silent conversation, mutually grateful for the return of some form of normality, the twinkle in the Lieutenant's eyes giving life to the utter, unbridled happiness to have his partner back at his side.
As Mike got up to leave, he gently squeezed the young Inspector's shoulder, his warm hand resting in place a few moments longer than usual, before leaving the confines of his office and closing the door behind him.
The reassuring feeling of mutual friendship dissipated fast, when Lenny cleared his throat, his expression stern and unyielding.
"Why'd you lie about your inability to sleep in front of him? Doesn't he know what's been going on since we brought you back out of sedation? I thought you guys talked about things."
Flinching slightly at the Psychiatrist's change of tone, Steve looked down at his coffee cup, watching the swirling black waves go around in circles, as he tilted it left to right.
"This has nothing to do with him. It's just…it's going to get better. It just takes time."
"You're going to need two things for that to happen…time and change."
When Steve didn't react, he felt an urgent tapping on his shoulder, as Lenny pointed at Mike's empty chair, before grunting in frustration.
"He is trying to talk you out of leaving the force again, isn't he?"
Pursing his lips, Steve dropped his head to his chest and released a shuddered breath.
"Michael has nothing to do with this. It's me. I am just…reconsidering things a bit."
"What do you mean, reconsidering? I thought we had…talked about things and I had made myself pretty clear. Your…your problems won't go away just because you want them to, you understand that, right?"
Nodding, Steve drank a sip of coffee, trying to disguise his shaking fingers.
"I am just seeing if I can…push things out into next spring, finish my five years here and then start my new job in the spring, with all new students, rather than jumping in right in the middle of things. It'll give Mike time to…you know…adjust and find a new partner and well…I get to spend a little more time with the old grouch. See if I can soften him some more for the next generation."
Steve grinned cheekily, as he set the coffee cup down. And yet, Lenny never returned the gesture.
"And how do you suppose you are going to make it through Psych Evals in November? You think I am just going to pretend that this…this whole week never happened? You want me to lie on my report and tell the Chief that I have every bit of faith in you to perform your job duties when I know well enough that you're at the verge of a complete mental breakdown? That your mind is so…so scarred that I can't be sure when you're going to snap, or worse yet, hesitate to defend your position because you're too damn traumatized and freezing in your spot?"
"Aw, come on now Lenny…chill out, will ya?!"
Raising his voice and getting up from his chair hadn't stayed unnoticed by the surrounding detectives, who glanced up in surprise, before focusing back on their work.
"I am perfectly chilled.", Lenny countered beneath a wall of false professionalism, "It's your safety I worry about. A few days ago, you're all but ready to disappear off the face of the earth because of this and now everything is all hunky-dory again? That severe concussion still messing with your sanity?"
"Just forget about it, ok?"
Trying to steer the conversation away from the sensitive topic when he noticed Mike glancing over at them from the interrogation room; Steve ran a hand through his hair, before walking toward the water carafe and pouring himself a glass.
"I could, Stephen. I really could. And come November, I could flush you out of public service faster than you could type up a written grievance. It would have an effect on your release paperwork from the police department and raise questions wherever you decide to go on from here on out. And I have dealt with these types of situations many times before, with many good police officers, who, just like you, began to have a hard time handling what they had to witness in the line of duty…and you know what? I never batted an eye. But maybe I have…maybe I have grown fond of you and that ill-tempered Lieutenant over the years, because I've seen how hard you guys work to try and make this city a better place. Save people from their own demons. It's a noble thing to do, albeit futile. And I respect that more than I could explain in words."
Lenny fell quiet as he walked up to him, before leaning his shoulder against the large black file cabinet and crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"But fact of the matter is that you've been injured in the line of duty. And just because this isn't a physical injury but a psychological one, doesn't make it any less dangerous or detrimental. And Stephen, I am appalled that after all these years; the government still refuses to acknowledge PTSD as an injury that should require honorable discharge and full benefits. But instead, they treat it like a weakness and force people like me to flush good guys like you out, literally punishing you for getting hurt doing a job very few people have the guts to do. It's wrong, it disgusts me to no end, but it's not going to change in time to help you. So my advice is, leave on your own terms, with your head held high, looking like the wonderboy superhero do-gooder cop that you are, before I have to send that letter to Condon…or worse yet, you take a bullet and lose your life trying to fight through an issue that was never your fault to begin with. Think about this long and hard…while you are…you're feeling all warm and fuzzy about your partnership with Stone, while he's trying to talk you into staying claiming that I don't know what I am talking about…and while you are trying to convince yourself that you are alright and won't freeze up the next time somebody points a loaded gun at you. In all these false and misguided reassurances you two are so good at….do you really think Mike would want to live through that scenario?"
Staring straight ahead, unwilling to make eye contact with the Psychiatrist, Steve played with the glass of water in his hand, until he spilled some of its contents on his partner's file cabinet.
"I just need a few more cases…and some more time to make Mike understand that this isn't a phase. He still thinks that a couple days of vacation will solve all these issues. And if I was as strong-minded as he is, that's probably all it would take. But I am afraid that I am not…quite as…strong."
"This was never a matter of strength.", Lenny replied hastily, "It's a matter of your mind being unable to process the horror your eyes had to witness. And it affects everybody differently. Remember, he went to war, you didn't. You went from Berkeley straight to the streets, you didn't have time to get…accustomed to the level of violence and death bestowed upon you once you wear that gold shield. It's amazing you lasted as long as you did, many others wouldn't have, considering your guys' heavy caseload."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mike finish his conversation with Rudy, ready to head over their way again.
"Like I said, I think I just need a few more…a few more cases to do this the right way."
Glancing up to meet Lenny's worried brown eyes, Steve sighed, unable to hide a shudder running down his back at a problem he'd been pushing off for far too long. As both men stood there, silently staring at each other, it was the Psychiatrist who drew in a deep breath, before nudging his shoulder.
"I hope you're making the right decision here, I really do. I tried to give you all the insight I could into the problem, hoping you'd make the right call before it's too late. For yourself, and for the guy you claim is your best friend. Because I am telling you right now, if you get killed over this, I don't think I would be able console Mike. I don't think anybody on this planet could."
Biting his lip when the Lieutenant re-entered the office, a confused frown on his face, Steve quickly stepped back, running a nervous hand across his purple tie, ready to sit back down in the guest chair and completely ignore the Psychiatrist, who shook his head in frustration.
Noting the Lieutenants apprehension, Lenny cleared his throat, before walking back toward the bullpen.
"Well, I'll see you guys later. Mike. Steve."
Not awaiting a response, the Psychiatrist crossed the busy office and disappeared through the entrance door, before Mike could ever respond.
"What was that all about? I leave for five minutes and you guys all but get into a fist fight…?"
Sliding back down into the guest chair and pretending that nothing happened, Steve reached for his half-eaten cookie, before shrugging.
"I think he's woken up at the wrong side of the bed today. How did it go with Rudy?"
"Well, we've got a new case on our hands, wouldn't you know it…", Mike muttered, a slight hesitation signaling that Lenny's strange behavior still piqued his interest, but filing the issue away for another day, "This is a rough one. But Rudy feels that we're the best guys for the job. You said you're feeling up to tackle a new case, so I told him it's a go ahead."
Upon his eager nodding, Mike opened the thick file he'd brought back with him, displaying mug shots of two suspects in their early twenties, much like the Matthew Rueger gang.
"Steve, how much do you know about the Tannenger case thus far?"