AN: another month of exams and I've been getting A's... "the private college, you're going to is hard," they said hahaha c'mon, it's just Business and Engineering...lol, sorry for being like a month late on this update...but please, enjoy this chapter :)

Chapter 18: "...be who you need..."

x-x-x-x

Alison's POV

The rest of that morning went by smooth, the only awkwardness being on my part. How did Em know about the pancakes, what was that glint in her eyes? I spent the next few hours wondering what was going on in that beautiful mind of hers.

I was hopeful, but I didn't want to jinx it, plus if Em remembered something, she'd tell me...at least that's what I think.

Dr. Pearson said her memory loss wasn't as severe as it could have been and that over time Em would regain some things, what those things were was a mystery and when, an even bigger one. But if her behavior was any indication that she was regaining pieces of the past, I'd gladly make her favorite pancakes every day and at any time of day.

"Ali?" I turned to my side. It was Mona. The look in her eyes told me she had found something and I needed to talk to her in private.

I cleared my throat, set my cup down and left the kitchen unnoticed, the boys were doing a great job keeping Emily busy. Today was the first day I had seen her smile like she used to, wide and natural and genuinely happy. How she could seem happy when her friends and family were kidnapped and someone is watching us, I didn't know, but she seemed hopeful after last night. And I felt better telling her everything we knew. There were enough barriers between us already. Hopefully, those would all be gone soon.

The hope we had was more powerful than the fear we used to feel, but I know hope devastates more than fear does, it was dangerous to be this hopeful. At least we're expecting a disaster or worse when we're afraid. It's always harder to be let down when you're hopeful, that's how I had always seen it. The only one to make me believe otherwise was sitting across from me, the length of her neck exposed as she tilted her head back in laughter.

I didn't want to tear my eyes away from the sight but my feet carried me to follow behind Mona and we ended up back in the back room that we were all in last night.

"What is it?"

"I did what you told me to do." Mona reached behind her and pulled out a series of binder-clipped papers.

What I had told her to do, in secret last night, was to sneak back to my house after she picked up her car this morning.

The animosity between us dissipated into a mutual sort of friendship, hell we were almost oven roasted to a crisp 24 hours ago, so it was easier than I thought to give her the keys to my house. Of course, I don't know that we could ever be actual friends, but we were in this together and to be standing with her opposed to against her was more comforting than I would have expected. She is a part of Hanna's life and Hanna Mona's, so having her here makes it seem like Hanna is closer than she might be.

"Okay, so what is all of that?" I pointed to her hands.

Mona moved to the side of the table to spread out, in a specific, Mona-like order, the papers she had found.

"Okay, so we can tell the others after but I thought I would tell you first. This is kind of sick and twisted."

I swallowed, this was already so sick and twisted, I wasn't sure I could bear to know that there was more.

"First, where did you find everything?"

Mona looked up and me, surprised I changed the subject and she smirked, "you know your mom better than you thought; it was right where you said it would be."

I felt the corner of my mouth turn up in a sad half smile, she was gone, but I loved her, regardless of what Mona was about to tell me, she was- is still my mom.

"The damn bookcase, it was always clean, but she never dusted anything in that damn office of hers." I shrugged, knowing exactly where Mona should look.

"Yeah good call, I had trouble with the safe but it was nothing I couldn't handle," Mona blew her own horn and I couldn't help but scoff: at least I knew she hadn't really changed that much.

"So what was it you found? If you want to tell me before the others come looking for us, I suggest you tell me now."

Mona sighed, she looked as though she was about to give a speech. "Alright Ali, I don't know how much of this you'll like but I guess you have to here it all anyways, so here goes nothing."

I swallowed hard and took a seat at the table, watching as Mona started explaining what the papers meant as she threw them my way, each piece adding more to the ugly puzzle we were putting together.

"So when I found these I read them briefly before I came back here, I just have a rough scheme of things, but I think it's enough to give us where to start looking."

I nodded, waiting.

Mona took my silence as her cue and continued, "okay so the first thing I found interesting was when Cece came to Radley, she was young and was supposed to go through tests and a psyche eval, but apparently there was no gap between when she got there to when she and Charles started to see each other?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, CeCe didn't even go through all the same procedures as all the other child patients."

"And what does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, these are CeCe's original reports, I'm guessing your mom stole them and replaced them with fakes. I don't know how but she made the switch even before she got rid of Charles' original doctor. The doctors at the local hospital at the time said CeCe was too unstable to be around other kids her age; she could've lashed out at any time. Radley wouldn't compromise the safety of the other patients by letting her interact with the rest of the kids right away."

"Mona what does this have to do with my mom?"

"Well every patient that gets sent to Radley goes through the board; well their 'resume' of sorts does anyways. It's like applying to colleges; the board of Radley can deny patients or accept them. Ali, think about CeCe, what does she looks like."

I looked at the wall opposite to me and tried to draw the lines with the points Mona laid out.

Maybe I was too slow or my response wasn't expected because she continued, "CeCe was a young blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl, doctors called her impressionable to make up for her personality disorder. All of this, to your mom, made her the perfect stand in Ali for Charles."

I wanted to throw up, my mom actually sacrificed the well-being of someone else, just to please my brother. Dolls just weren't enough, she had to get him something better.

"Ali you were no more CeCe's doll than she was to herself and then to Charles. It was a cycle and it never had anything to do with you." Her voice was soft and in a way I felt she was telling me it wasn't my fault how evil I had been, but it was.

I let the words sink in and I wanted to feel relieved, I wished I did, but I didn't, I knew I didn't deserve it.

I couldn't meet Mona's eyes, she sighed, empathetic towards me and lowered her voice, "Ali, I can give you time if you want to look over them yourself."

"No, I'm fine," I shook my head and urged her to stay put, "plus you're better at reading this kind of stuff and telling me what it all means. Go on, I'm okay."

"Okay," Mona nodded and from the corners of my eye I could also see her smiling weakly at me. It was a new feeling, strange, to see the how people looked when they felt bad for me. It was a lot different than what I was used to in the past: the sneers, disgust, fear, envy sometimes.

"Well, um, what I also found was where your mom was getting the funds from. Apparently this company that goes by the name of The Carrissimi Foundation is a fake, made up by your mom. Hanna was right and I don't know how your mom did it, but investors have been depositing money into an offshore account and then it's extorted by your mother. They think it's getting donated for a scholarship foundation for college going kids when really it's her own private account for her and Charles."

"What do you mean off-shore? Isn't the foundation supposed to be local? She used to talk about it to my dad; she always had a meeting to go to for them every other week."

"I'm assuming those so-called meeting's were to see your broth- to see Charles," she corrected and shifted in her seat, she seemed as uncomfortable with calling Charles my brother as I did, "and the offshore account assured that she wouldn't have to pay the government or taxes on that money. That would also keep your dad in the dark about it; if it never popped up, why would he suspect your mom was doing anything to help Charles."

I dropped my head and rubbed the back of my neck, squeezing the muscles as tight as I could to relieve some of the pent up pressure.

"What else was there?" I really didn't want to know what else or how else my mom was involved with any of this any more than I already did, but I closed my eyes and imagined the picture Charles had sent me, the one of Emily's parents and Hanna and Aria and Spencer and I knew anything I had to uncover about my family, no matter how unsettling, was worth it.

"Ali, you sure, you look like you're about to-,"

"I'm fine," I interrupted her, "so go on."

"Aright."

"What else was there?"

"I have a flash drive here with saved emails and payment transactions from the Carrissimi group to one Wren Kingston...Dr. Wren Kingston. I plugged it in to your mom's desktop but I only got to read the first few emails. Why she kept them stored like this, I'm sure it was just to have leverage in case someone decided that they didn't like what she was doing...blackmail at its best."

I huffed, "Or its worst."

"What's interesting is that Wren did actually come from the UK, he moved to the US to further his studies in psychoanalysis and medicine. Radley actually seeked him out and it's not too much of a mystery why."

"You're saying my mom found Wren on purpose?"

"That's what it looks like. Ali, I don't know the kind of life your mom had before she met your dad, but it seems like she was way smarter and more resourceful than anyone could've known."

I dropped my head and tried to regulate the air coming in my lungs, my mom? She did all of this? She was able to orchestrate everything behind our backs, in our house and for years?!

"What else Mona?" I was angry now. Yeah I missed her, and now more than ever I wish she was here so I could ask her for answers, real ones, but what she did, that didn't make her my mother on paper.

"Ali, are you sure you don't-,"

"Stop treating me like a baby Mona, I don't need that from you or anyone else, if you have something else to say to me please say it, if not, give me those damn files and I'll figure it out myself.

I think I still instilled a bit of fear in her because she seemed to have swallowed the rest of what she was going to say timidly and nodded her head, "okay," she nodded to me...maybe I hadn't changed as much as I thought.

"Um," the short brunette fixed a piece of hair behind her ear, "so after Wren came, of course his interview went amazing, the board had no idea your mom had already checked him out prior. He was given a job there and upon your mom's doing I'm sure, he stepped in as Dr. Lor's replacement. Except the thing was although he was supposed to be administering drugs to all the patients, Wren was only assigned two patients."

Another no brainer here, yet I was compelled to say their names, this time seething with hatred and angry, "I'm going to take a wild guess here...Charles and CeCe? How the fuck could Radley allow that?"

She nodded in silence and handed me a paper, "look at those, those are the original prescriptions that the doctors at Radley issued to Charles and CeCe and these," Mona slid identical looking papers over to me, "these, are the ones Wren ordered. Radley didn't have that many patients and they thought it was wise to not have so few doctors working on cases this...extreme, most were given 1-3 patients at a time."

I looked down and let out an exasperated sigh, "what are these? They look the same." I pushed the papers back, frustrated.

Mona walked over to my side and circled four distinct spots on each paper with a pen I didn't she had been holding this whole time, "here, here, here and here."

Okay, so the names of the drugs were different. "I don't know what any of those are."

"Ali the drugs that Wren has been ordering through your mom's private account are nothing but blanks. They're like sugar and water, used in R&D for control groups."

"English, Mona, what does that mean?"

"It means that your mom had starting taking Charles and CeCe off of their meds a long time ago."

"Why would she do that? They're supposed to help them, if she wanted them to get better, then..."

"It was hard to find but an article came out about your mom, it was taken down before it could reach the public but somehow Radley systems still had the record. Your mom was going to try and sue Radley for keeping Charles on meds he didn't need. She claimed that the doctors were giving false diagnoses to keep him there and take more of her money. Since she was on the board and was a big contributor financially, Radley shushed her up and took down the article."

"Shushed her up?"

Mona shrugged lightly, "My guess is that they let her in the interview when the new doctor was brought it, great coincidence that she was the reason he was coming."

I felt myself shaking my head, apparently it was something I kept doing subconsciously, my mind thrown into shock over and over that it was my default setting for hearing any news. Since everything had happened, nothing seemed to be good news anymore, and as much I should be used to it already, I was still in disbelief every time.

"Ali I can go on and on about the sick twisted things that your mom managed to pull off but I think it's time you heard some relatively good news?"

I looked up, nothing was ever good news these days.

"Okay, so when Cece got released, Charles' records somehow vanish, and according to these letters of apology and condolences, Charles faked his death at Radley and you're mom kept it hush-hush, no publicity no funeral."

"What? How?"

"Since Wren was smuggling in blank pills and swapping them with Charles' actual prescription, I think he may have also been the reason he was able to fake his own death. In the things we stole from Radley's archived files before we were almost toasted, I found that his autopsy reported a heart attack, that he died in his sleep."

"And how are you going to tell me that that was faked?"

"There's this drug, it's only produced in certain countries and mainly sold on the black market, but it's used almost like adrenaline to jump start the heart-,"

"Jump start the heart? Mona you said the reports claimed his heart stopped."

"It did Ali, what happens when you take too many of these pills is that your heart can't take it, it's overworked. Even worse, when you're injected with the serum form of this, your heart stops within 20 seconds."

"Then he would've really died, how is there any way you could've woken up?"

"It's not a permanent fix Ali, it is a form of adrenaline, so Charles would have to have injected at least a few milligrams and it would've been painful but if Wren was there and carted him off to the where they examine the bodies, I'm sure he could've woken him with the antidote or about 1400 volts from an AED and sent him on his way before anyone knew the difference."

"An AED?

"An automated external defibrillator?

Oh yeah, because that made it better, "what the fuck-,"

"The thing they use to shock your heart back and reestablish a normal heart beat?"

"Thank you doctor, and my mom?"

"Asked for a cremation, she left with a vase full of just dirt, and your brother was a free man."

What the-

"Why would she-,"

"Ali we can't ask why or how your mom did anything anymore, we just need to know where Charles is and where he's keeping everyone."

I shook my head disapprovingly, "where was the good news in this?"

"Well your mom had saved the emails on this drive but she also had a small laptop in that safe."

"Why would she have both?"

"Nothing on these emails leads back to your mom, they're only coded messages she received from Wren, and I'm assuming the little black box of a laptop I found is where all the original messages are stored."

"How does that help us?"

"That's what I'm going to get Caleb on. When he gets in, because I know he can, he might be able to get an IP address on where Wren was staying. Find Wren and we find Charles."

"And the rest of my real family." I looked up and a glint of something I couldn't quite place was in Mona's eyes, if I wasn't delusional, I could say she almost looked proud?

"Mona what if Wren sees us coming? He's obviously on Charles' side, he can just tell him or Cece and they could hurt the girls, or Em's parents, how are we supposed to sneak on someone like them?"

"We won't have to, what I think we need to ask is if Charles will be on Wren's side?"

"What? Wren has been helping Charles, why wouldn't Charles trust him?"

There was a silence that fell and Mona shifted from one foot to the other.

"Ali," she paused like she was about to step on dangerous ground, "I think Wren was the one killed your mom."

"Watch your mouth Mona, after saying someone killed someone else, it's hard to go back." She swallowed because she knew I knew all too well what I was talking about.

"Ali, Wren wanted out, and he still might."

"Then why help Charles if he killed my mom, how couldn't Charles know?"

"Exactly, and that's what we're going to use to get Wren to talk, if he's helping Charles because he's scared, he'll help us more if we say we'll tell Charles what we know."

"And if Charles sent him to kill my mom?"

"Not likely."

"But what if?"

"Ali, it's all we've got, it's now or never."

"Okay, go and give Caleb something to hack."

x-x-x-x

No One's POV

When the cheerfulness from breakfast died, the others went to look for Ali and Mona.

"Caleb, I have something for you."

"Goodie, Christmas came early."

Ali pulled the laptop from the cover and walked over, handing it over with disgust, "ho ho ho."

Caleb looked over the small laptop and shrugged, "I have a computer already thanks, what am I supposed to do with this?"

Mona sighed and rolled her eyes, "see if you can get an IP address from the other sender. Mrs. D was in contact with Wren up until a month before she died, I think he killed her. Run through the emails and find anything that can prove that, we'll need it for Charles to turn on Wren and for Wren to give up where he is. I don't think the puppeteer knew his doctor is why mommy dearest is no longer with us."

Ali cringed internally and flinched back when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Apparently she cringed externally too: Emily offered her a small smile, "you okay?"

Ali shrugged, "I've been better."

Emily looked down and actually laughed under her breath, "haven't we all?"

"Em, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-,"

"No, it's okay, humor is good, even dark humor." Emily removed her hand slowly and cleared her throat, "so can you find the bastard Caleb?" She was quick to divert her attention, hoping Ali wouldn't hear the catch in her throat.

Emily didn't know what exactly she could call it, but something happened, something inside her changed, or resurfaced, and she didn't know if she was ready to let it surface completely or if she should push it away further. Maybe she'd wait until it was the right time. One day, she hoped she'd know what time that was.

Caleb looked up from the screen; his fingers paused from the rapid abuse on the keyboard and he looked up, a smug look plastered on his face, "15 minutes tops. The security on this is elementary."

"Yeah?" Ali gulped, they were so close she could almost taste it.

Caleb offered a comforting smile, "Ali, we're going to get them back."

Alison sighed and before she could say anything she felt the urge to throw up, "excuse me," she held her hand to her mouth and ran out of the room and straight towards the back door leading to the Fields' backyard.

Once she was outside in the fresh air, she gasped and tried to even her ragged breaths. The weight of the news was crushing her chest; she had to get out of there. Ali took a few steps forward and stopped, hunching over to place her hands on her knees.

Get it together Alison, she thought harshly.

She stayed like that until she didn't feel so boxed in, it was too much pressure to know how close they were to finding them, it was too much to be so close and have the thoughts of failure cloud her mind, no matter where she turned, she would always find-

"Hey," Ali felt a familiar hand on her shoulder.

"Emily?"

"Well yeah, why do you sound surprised?"

Alison stood and took a steady step back, "Well I am, kind of, I didn't think anyone would come after me."

"Are you sure you know me as well as you say you do?"

Ali tilted her head, lost, "what do you-,"

"Apparently I've been coming after you for a long time."

Alison still had no idea what the brunette was talking about.

In Emily's head she told herself that waiting for the right time was a waste of time, no mark on the clock would suddenly appear as 'the right time.' No alarm would go off and tell her it was time to feel again.

"Come here, I'll show you."

Much to Ali's surprise, Em grabbed her hand and pulled her further into the backyard to the side of the house.

"Emily want are we doing here?"

"I have something to show you. I had Toby help me get to it earlier."

Ali shook her head watching as Emily walked a few more steps to the fence and stop just short of some river rocks brought in by landscape to decorate the house.

"Ali, come here, help me out."

Alison scrunched her brows yet found herself floating towards Emily, she felt weightless, the gravity of her heart to Emily bringing her closer and closer one step at a time.

Em smiled and crouched low, "I'm not supposed to do any lifting, but Toby said when I was better I'd be able to move it over myself."

"Move what?"

"Just this one," Em crouched beside a smaller river rock, "help me?"

Ali simply nodded; for once she didn't ask questions. "Okay, what are we looking for here? Some worms? Was breakfast that bad?"

Emily laughed lightly and Alison smiled in return, she hadn't heard Emily's laughter enough these days, she missed it; she missed being the reason anyone heard it at all.

"No breakfast was great, thank you."

Alison bent next to Em and placed her hands on the rock, waiting for instructions.

Em counted to three before, with their combined strengths, they were able to move the rock over.

Grunting with one last push, the brunette gritted through her teeth, "just...a little bit...more. There."

Ali fell to her knees in the softened dirt and wiped the back of her hand across her forehead, "did you bring a bone or something?"

"No," Emily said, somewhat distracted with her digging her hands around until she found a small box.

Ali's eyes widened and Emily used her reaction as encouragement to open the box, "I read in my journal that I kept something special out here. Toby helped me find it, and I didn't know if I was ready to open it, but he moved it anyways and left me here for 20 minutes, he said to choose and when I was done he'd put it all back. I didn't want to read it, but digging up this box felt like I was digging up a piece of myself, so I opened it," Emily opened it as she spoke and pulled out an envelope, "I found this and I wrote something in this letter."

"Something?"

"Just something that I wrote a long time ago."

"And you brought be out here why?" Alison was thrilled Emily seeked her but she was scared, afraid of letting Emily in and risk losing her again, it was better to put up walls until she could be the right version of herself for Emily. Emily had been wrong, it was Ali who wasn't who Emily needed right now, Ali would always need Emily, regardless of what version she was, memory or not.

Em chewed her lip and Ali knew she was nervous, "I'm telling you because well...today and yesterday, last night in my room, with what happened, I got this feeling, this strange yet familiar feeling in here," she placed her hand on her stomach, "sometimes in here," she moves it to point a finger at her head, "and just recently," she paused to meet Alison's eyes, "in here," her hand moving to rest finally above her heart.

Alison shifted uncomfortably in her shoes, feeling the earth's gravity taking control twice over and keeping her in place, legs too heavy to move, "wh-why are you telling me this?"

"I was wrong." Emily took a step forward and Ali swallowed harder, "wr-wrong?"

"Yeah, I was, and if what I wrote here is true then I know if I was wrong earlier."

"About what?"

Emily looked nervous, "us," she muttered barely audibly.

"Us?"

"Yes, us, I know I said we should wait, until I was ready. But the truth is, I don't know when that is, I don't know if I'll ever tell myself that I'm ready, all I know is that I can't help the way I feel around you or even when I think about you. And from catching up with myself through my journals inside and this letter to you that I never sent when we were young...I know about all heartache I had to go through to admit my feelings for you."

"Emily-," Alison's voice sounded tired, but she didn't a chance to finish.

"No, Ali, please just let me finish."

Alison just bit her lip and kept her eyes trained on anything but Emily's lips, or her eyes, god no, not her eyes.

"Not everything was a fairy tale, I knew it wouldn't be, in fact you hurt me over and over again, yet I forgave you and we both know why. I don't know if that's something I can say to you and mean it the same way again, but I like to believe that there's a chance for us."

"There is but Emily, I think-,"

"Wait, please." Both girls' tones were desperate.

"Ali, I also know we had something strong and I know how I felt about you and you've told me time and time again how you feel about me. I can't pretend not to know anymore. I know how long I've been wanting you and I think I still do, even now, when I'm- when I'm like this. I'm not the Emily you want, or the one you had and sometimes I feel like you're stuck with me and I'm sorry."

"Em, don't."

Emily ignored her and kept on, "maybe this version of myself can't make you fall in love with me like the old me did. But the old me also said it's worth it. But I need to hear it from you."

"Here what?"

"That's it's going to be worth it."

"What's worth it?" Alison's eyes were glistening, and not from the sun, she had moisture building, trying her hardest to balance them on the edge of her lower eye lid.

"This," Emily stretched her hands out wide, "all of it, everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. I know now," she shook the small journal in her hands, "I know that I deserve what I had when I was writing this, I want it back, bad, I think we can get it back but I need to know that you can do this with me, and that you'll stop looking at me like I'm one word or bad news away from breaking. I'm not a piece of glass."

"I know you're not." It was hypocritical of me actually, to say similar things to Mona yet treat Emily in the way I didn't want to be treated by everyone else.

"You have to be patient." Emily demanded, but I hadn't given her an answer, in fact she hadn't let me say anything.

"Emily, I said I'd wait for you, and I will, you don't have to rush this, last night was-,"

"Last night wasn't a mistake...I do remember this saying: a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Ali you needed to mask it with alcohol to do what you did last night, I know you did."

"Em I didn't know, I thought you were asleep."

"But I wasn't. So I need to know."

Emily walked closer and closer, stopping just before their toes touched and their breaths could mingle in the small space between their faces.

"Know what?" Ali whispered shakily, she was upset that her voice didn't carry as much strength, but it was useless anyways, she had taken one look into Emily's warm brown eyes, now glistening with tears of her own, and her resolve was shattered.

"Am I worth it to you? Are you worth it? Whatever is about to happen in these next few days, we're unsure of, but if we decide to go at it together, is doing this with you now worth whatever might be waiting for us if we do?"

Alison's lungs were burning, her heart pounding in her chest so loudly she was sure Emily was hearing it too.

"Alison," Emily said softly, leaning forward so that their noses were just hairs apart, "I need an answer."

Ali lifted her hands to the sides of Emily's face but she didn't touch her skin yet, she hovered in pent up tension, in anticipation of what might happen if she moved her head just an inch closer.

"Emily, I-, I-," Alison was seconds from giving Emily an answer, the muscles in her back wound up tightly and her hands shaking on either side of Emily's face, her head and heart fighting again.

"Ali, just kiss me again, and tell me."

Ali let a single tear slip, she had kissed Emily lightly on the lips last night while she was telling her another story of them, she couldn't resist it and when she sat back down, she sighed and watched the brunette sleep, matching breaths until the rise and fall of their chests were in tandem and she was overcome with sleep.

But Em was awake, the taste of Ali's salty tears fresh on her lips, leaving her to stare at the ceiling and try to explain the fresh current of electricity vibrating through her veins.

"I-I- I can't."

"Yes you can, I know you want to."

"I want to Em, but I can't. I'm no good for you, can't you see that I'm the reason we're all in this mess?!"

"That's not true, it's not your fault and you know it," Emily whispered while Ali stayed frozen in place fighting hard to ignore the faint smell of chocolate and mint in Emily's breath and kiss the taste on her tongue.

"It is, and you need someone who isn't a risk to your health, I-,"

"Don't Ali, don't push me away again, you did this when we were younger, you can't do it now, you can't tell me what is and isn't good for me, I lo-,"

"ALI! EM!"

Caleb came shouting from around the corner, skidding to a stop just as Emily and Ali took many quick steps away from one another, their backs awkwardly facing each other's, Ali's hands balled into fists at her sides.

"Um," Caleb looked at the floor before he picked his eyes up and cleared his throat, "I did it, I know where Wren is."

Ali looked away quickly swiping her cheeks with her hands and nodding, "great Caleb, good job, I um, I need to wash my hands." Ali walked back towards the house and into the bathroom, glad the fresh cool dirt under her nails could be her excuse to hide away.

Emily stayed motionless, turning her back to Caleb to lower herself slowly to the ground. She hid the letter from her parents when she was in high school so that they wouldn't find out about her liking girls, let alone her feelings toward Alison. She had planned to leave Alison with the letter before she left the country for summer but that never happened. Her back-up was to keep a 'fake' journal inside where her feelings mentioned towards anyone where strictly platonic.

It wasn't until she found her real diary that she realized how deep and why she loved Alison the way she said she did.

Em debated whether or not she should put it back or keep trying to dig up more of her past, besides it didn't seem like it was helping.

She threw her hands into the dirt, letting out small screams of frustration through her teeth.

"Heyheyhey, no, no it's okay," Caleb was still standing there, running over to grab Emily's wrist and keep them still.

He squatted in front of her and when she dropped her head, Caleb kneeled and brought her head to his chest, "shh, shh Emily, it's okay."

The tears spilled over to form a dark spot on Caleb's chest and he wrapped one of his arms around her back, the other to hold the back of her head in place.

They stayed that way for a minute or two, Caleb being the one to pull away when he stopped feeling the shaking in Em's body from the sobs.

"Em-,"

"I did what I thought I was ready for, I told her, but she didn't say anything. First, she wanted more, then I offer her more and she freezes..."

"It happens Em, it's okay, that doesn't mean anything."

"Yes, yes it does, does she," Em swallowed hard, "do you think she doesn't want me anymore?"

"God no, that's crazy talk, Emily, Alison loves you, she didn't say anything because she's scared."

"Scared, of what? Of me?"

"No not necessarily."

"Then what, what is it?"

"Of losing you, she can't do that again."

"How could she lose me, I'm right here."

"You can lose someone who stands two inches from you and still never get them back. You can lose someone in more ways than just physically. And Alison putting up walls is her way of protecting everyone."

"I don't understand, just last week she wanted us to jump back in the deep end to where we were and now she didn't even want to get her toes wet. What did I do wrong?"

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"Then who? Or what? I can't keep telling myself that being just her friend is what's best, I know she can't either." Emily closed her eyes trying to recall the brief second that she had felt full and warm lips on her own.

"The world is a fucked up place with fucked up people Emily, Ali was just unfortunate enough to have crossed so many in her life, hell we're finding out that she was living in her own hell with the devil's servant of mother. I think Ali is scared of what her past does to those she loves."

"I don't know what she wants from me Caleb, I'm trying here."

"Right now she wants to see everyone back home and from you, well she just wants you safe. And I know you're trying, and she knows that, more than anyone, but for a second put yourself in her shoes."

"And do what with that, I don't know what she sees...what I'm supposed to see?"

"Don't see anything," he tried, "just think about why she might not want what you're willing to give her right now. It's not because she doesn't want you, she just doesn't want to hurt you again, she doesn't want Charles to use you to get to her. Emily, Alison has been blaming herself for all of this, she's trapped in herself trying to make it all right."

"But it's not her fault."

Caleb held Emily's hand, "but that's not what she believes right now, I know she loves you and she'd do anything to get it all back, but she's just being more cautious right now, she doesn't want to do anything that'll push you away."

"But she just did."

"In a way yes, but you'll understand, she's doing what she thinks is best for you both."

Em looked up and the rock she pushed back in place and wiped at her eyes, "I guess, but how can she make decisions for us both, she can't tell me what's best for me."

"You asking her right now if she wants it all, we all know she does, I've seen the way she looks at you, and it's no different from how she looked at you before this, but while you're trying to be what she needs, she's just doing the same thing."

Sighing, Caleb stood and held out his hand, "it's messy right now Emily, everyone knows that, just wait until this is over and we get them back, it'll work out."

"And what if it doesn't?"

"If you want to know what it was like, if you really want Alison that way as much as she wants you back, then you have to believe that it will."

Em simply nodded once and grabbed Caleb's hand to help herself get up.

"Thank you."

"It's no problem."

"Caleb?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For not asking how you are." Em rubbed his shoulder and smiled.

"I'm fine." Caleb gently shrugged her hand away and smiled back, "really, I am."

"You sure?"

"Yeah." He said it and the slight crack in his voice told Emily he was lying.

"Do you miss her?"

"Of course I do, every day." He said it without question, no hesitation and so much conviction that Em had no choice but to know he loved her friend.

"We're going to get them back. They'll all be alright." Emily had repeated those words over and over but she really believed them now, there was no way Caleb would let otherwise happen.

"Hanna gave me a hard time for everything, but she's always been there, she's stronger than I am, she's going to be fine, that much I know."

Emily smiled, she wished she had spent more time with Caleb to hear about Hanna, but for now she was just happy to see Caleb talk about her.

"Do you miss them?" He turned the questioning around.

Emily looked up and her brows furrowed.

"Um, your parents, do you miss them?"

Emily frowned and shrugged sadly, "I don't remember them, I know I should miss them, I should be even more worried, but I all I know is I know nothing, nothing but what I used to feel for Alison," Em seen the way he reacted to that she nudged him in the side with her elbow "...aaaaand apparently I was a good swimmer?"

"Ow, yeah you were, and I bet you still are."

"Thanks," Em's voice was soft, she was thinking about her parents, why hadn't she been more worried?

"Emily, it's okay." A single tear fell, sliding alone down her cheek; she couldn't even remember much about her parents and she knew that was wrong, "let's just go inside, I'm tired of Charles dictating my life."

Caleb understood, more than happy to follow Emily back into the house.

x-x-x-x

"That's where he is?"

"Yeah," Caleb nodded.

"Why would he be so close?"

"Probably to keep an eye on us." Mona said disgustedly.

Toby walked back into the room and joined the others, "I called Ezra, he said he'll meet us there."

"Alright," Caleb sighed, "I really don't want to go back."

Emily came into the room last, having shut herself upstairs for a few moments while the others talked downstairs. After the near kiss with Ali and her confusing confession to blonde, she just needed to catch her breath and think.

Emily walked in with her head hanging low and she peered over shoulders to read the screen, "Ravenswood?"

Caleb met her eyes and offered a sideways smile, "yeah, it's as creepy as it sounds."

Not having any memory of the place, the tall brunette shrugged, "well then, we can add it to the list."

"Must be a long list," Caleb joked.

"Oh, it is," Em assured, "and it keeps getting longer."

"Well get a new list going; Ravenswood should have a list of his own."

Emily shook her head, "fuck a list, let's gets this asshole and find our friends."

Alison was out of the door and before anyone could ask why she called back, "I'll drive."

x-x-x-x

x-x-x-x

AN: well, hopefully this started to fill in more of the picture I've been trying to paint...let me know your thoughts! Be wise, love hard and laugh harder, Lina