AN: So a lot has happened to me and my life and the people in it since the last update, I did get my computer back from Geek Squad but the stress and family problems and health...well i think it warranted a break. I wanted to take a longer one, but this is my escape so I came back. The only reason I apologize so much is for my regulars...and myself.
Anyways, I hope you enjoy. I just had my last final exam for college...two years down, two to go...so I should be here more often and buckle up please for when I release my new stories...
Love, Lina
x-x-x-x-x-x-x
No One's POV
"Hey, you and Mona only? Where are the girls," Ezra asked as soon as he opened the door.
Toby was pacing back and forth with his arms folded across his chest and only looked up when he heard that Emily and Alison weren't there.
"You left them? Where are they," he asked worriedly.
"Calm down," Caleb tried, "they're fine."
"Okay, can you say more? Why didn't they come with you?"
Caleb pulled off his boots and ran his hands through his hair before taking a deep breath, "they're outside, about half a mile up the hillside. Emily had some sort of breakdown, she was really freaked out and all she wanted was Ali."
"Yeah, and she was with me, they had a sort of fight in the car, and so soon as we got here, Em took off and Caleb followed. When Emily started to panic, Caleb called, I told Ali and Ali ran to Em."
"So that's where you left them? Alone? In the woods?" Toby walked closer to them and projected his voice a little louder.
"Calm down Toby," Caleb said, "they're fine. Emily had some sort of nightmare come back, or memory. Alison was calming her down. Plus, it took 20 minutes for us to walk back and find the room, so I'm sure they're on their way now."
"I still don't think it was smart to leave them." Ezra looked hard at Caleb, like he did something wrong.
"Hey, don't get on him," Mona defended, "we're all doing our best and those two just needed to be alone. Think about it, when was the last time that that happened for them? We need to just give them space right now. Look, if they're not back in...15 minutes, we'll go and get them."
"Yeah," Caleb continued on his own, "we've been skirting around them and telling them how to feel, how the other must feel. I don't think they've had a chance to figure it out without all of us being around. Alison surely couldn't have done it in the hospital, Em's health wasn't even that stable really."
Ezra pursed his lips and Toby dropped his head, they knew Caleb was right.
"10 minutes," Toby said finally, "and not a second later."
"Deal."
x-x-x-x-x
Like Caleb said, he was sure the girls would come back soon. And to the second on Toby's watch, they came back in 8 minutes and 53 seconds.
"Oh, thank God," Caleb sighed relieved, "Officer Toby over here was going to unleash the hounds and track you down."
Alison smiled and pulled on Emily's hand so they were standing side by side in the doorway.
Everyone's eyes dropped to their hands, clasping each other's, interlocked fingers and they all smiled knowingly.
"We're fine," Ali confirmed.
"I'll say," Caleb teased.
Emily blushed and tried to slip her hand from Ali's but the blonde held strong, shaking her head gently at Em, "don't you dare," she whispered.
"Okay, well when you two stop making googly eyes at each other, we still have a lot to do," Mona was only mean to mock them when in reality, she was really happy to see them like this. There was a glow about the both of them that she hadn't seen before. It was comforting to see that a relationship like theirs could weather such a fierce and intense storm for so long and still come out strong.
"Don't mind her," Caleb got up and whispered between the two, "she's just happy to see you both."
Emily was still blushing, "hey, I'm sorry for putting you through that back there."
"No," Caleb shook his head vigorously, "you don't have to apologize for that, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
"Thank you."
"And by the looks of it...," he trailed, shooting a quick mischievous look down between them at their hands.
"I'm fine," Emily shied away, turning out her shoulder.
Caleb took the hint from her body language and the warning look from Ali and stepped away, "come on, we ordered food from room service, figured we haven't really eaten much this trip. It just got here before you."
Emily took a step forward to follow Caleb and the others when Alison tugged on her hand and pulled her closer. The suite was pretty big: there was a kitchen-like area with a fridge, small stove, microwave and such with a small dining set-up. Then there was the space that resembled a living room, with a TV, chairs and couches, and through the door, a room with the bathroom and two queen size beds.
Alison only needed one look at the place to know where she could go for some privacy.
"Ali, where are you-,"
"Just hold on," Ali whispered, "hey guys," she said louder, "Emily and I are going to freshen up in the bathroom really quick, okay?"
Toby waved his hand at them both, "take all the time you need, there will still be food here when you're done."
"Speak for yourself," Caleb attempted to provoke playfully.
"Just go," Toby repeated, "bathroom is all yours."
Ali said a quick thank you and pulled Emily into the bathroom, quietly shutting the door before facing Emily and finally letting go of her hand.
"Alison what are you-,"
"Shhh," Ali gently placed her finger over Emily's lips, reveling in their delicacy and fine shade of pink.
Emily swallowed nervously and bumped gently into the door when Ali leaned in and dropped her finger, that hand slowly finding its way back to Emily's.
The blonde continued her movements on either side and when their hands were locked, she slowly, sensually lifted her arms with Emily's to pin the brunette's hands above her head. Alison could practically see the way Em's pulse point jumped in her throat. She could definitely hear the slight hitch in her breath.
"Ali," Em started again, this time more weak.
Alison smirked and pushed even closer, their chests touching now, feeling the rise and fall of each other's breathing.
"I'm not going to kiss you Em, not yet."
Emily sucked in a breath when she looked down the difference of a few inches in their heights and seen Alison's eyes, smoldering with a look that told her otherwise.
"Y-you-you're not?" Emily stammered, wondering instead why she didn't ask Alison why not?
"No," Ali smiled and sucked in a breath, taking in Emily's distinctive scent. "I just want you to know that this is how I feel about you. I can't think straight, I can't breathe, I can barely even fight the urge to kiss you."
"Then," Emily found the courage to ask, "w-why are you?"
"Because," Ali slid her hands down Emily's arms, then her sides, resting at her waist, "I know that I still have to make you fall for me again. I want you to. I want this to happen again after one of those dates we promised we'd go on. I want you to know that I love you enough to deny myself this pleasure if it means giving you back a fraction of what you've given me."
"S'not fair," Emily turned her head sideways and closed her eyes, focusing on the way Ali was slowly pulling away, putting distance between them again.
"I'm telling you because today is going to change things. As much as I'd like you to myself, when we get your parents and our friends back, I am going to have to share my time with you again."
Ali stepped away and smirked at what she had reduced Emily to: the slightly trembling mess before her, flushed cheeks and heaving chest. Just like the good ole days.
"I'm giving you something to look forward to Em."
Emily gulped and nodded, "you're very cruel."
Alison smiled triumphantly, "maybe, but I know how much you love it when I get romantic and do goofy things for you, so this," Ali gestured between them and what she did, "is going to take a back seat until you get to relive everything else."
"Will I like everything else," Emily taunted.
"Of course, I had to romance my way into your heart first and then came the goofy and then the sexy-time." Emily didn't believe that Ali was being so forward, but she wasn't going to complain.
"In that order."
"Yes, so you have to stick around long enough to get what you want, if that's what you want," Ali proposed.
"Oh, I think I could see myself wanting something along those lines."
"Good," Ali smiled like it was nothing.
"Just promise me when goofy time comes around," Em turned around and opened the door, "you don't drop the heart shaped pizza in the driveway on Valentine's Day again." Emily winked and closed the door on Alison, turning the tables on leaving the other speechless.
Alison stood there with her jaw on the ground before her face broke into a face-eating grin, spreading practically ear to ear.
"She remembered that?"
x-x-x-x-x
"Okay, so who ordered two of everything from the menu?"
"It was me," Caleb raised his hand and then promptly burped, "why?"
Emily sat up and thumped her stomach, "I want to thank you from the bottom of this swelling gut of mine, I think I tried one of everything and I have regretted it yet."
Ali laughed at the two of them, thinking it reminded her of Emily and her dad, they'd occasionally have ice cream eating contests until Pam shut them down because of all the crying when they'd get a brain freeze...which was every time.
In the midst of this mess, here she was again, content while she knew others were suffering. She couldn't even let herself enjoy this moment as much as everyone else. And as history would have it, she had to be the one to interrupt everyone else's happiness.
"Guys," she spoke as if she was ashamed to have done so.
The group looked at her and waited for her to ask or say whatever she was going to say, everyone's eyes unable to see the way her palms started to sweat.
"What is it Ali?"
"Hello! Have we completely forgotten why we're here! Am I the only one who's actually thinking about that? Because I feel like I am!"
The sound of a grain of rice falling against the waxed wood floors could be heard from the silence that soon took over the room.
A look of guilt washed over everyone's faces and it was hard for any one of them to explain why they seemed to temporarily make themselves unconcerned with the task at hand.
Intensity was high and stress was no doubt a front-runner for the dominant emotion in everyone's mind and body.
"Ali.."
"No Em! Don't 'Ali' me. We're in this mess because of me, and the sooner we can end this and get
everyone back home safe, then the sooner I can start to live with myself. But right now, when you all seem to be okay with this, I'm not. Because you're all smiling and don't seem sad at all, but if- if something happens...and this is the last time I've seen you all smile and it wasn't beside the person you love...because of me..."
"Ali-,"
"No Em," Ali said quieter, "I said don't."
"Alison-," Caleb tried.
"Listen to me, don't be happy right now, don't smile at me or try to make me feel better until I send you home with Hanna, and Ezra with Aria and Toby with Spencer and Emily home to her parents. Don't make me think of this as the last time you-"
"Alison," Emily tried again, ignoring the fact that Ali shut her down the first two times, "nothing bad is going to happen."
"You don't know that Emily, you don't know that."
"That may be true, but I have to believe that nothing bad will happen or else I won't be able to live with myself, you're not the only one who gets to make decisions for everyone just so you can feel better, do you hear me? We're all in this together, we all have to believe that the next time we go to sleep and then wake up, the people we love will be nearby."
"Always the optimist Emily, that still hasn't changed."
Emily dropped her head and turned around, walking away further away from Ali, "Caleb, why don't you and Mona start...I want to go home soon."
No one else dared speak up, they all just stopped what they were doing and nodded in silence...that is until Emily turned around and sighed loudly, dropping her shoulders in frustration, "you know what Alison, you want to know why I think we all weren't 'focused' on what we're supposed to be doing?"
Ali just barely looked up, didn't offer any kind of answer.
"No? Well, I'll tell you, we're scared and we're just trying to cope with all everything. I may not remember everything, but I know that the way you cope with things is like this, you get angry, you yell, and when the people you care about are around you, sometimes you hurt them. I know you feel terrible after, and even more terribly when everyone forgives you, I know that about you, so you don't get to tell us how we can and can not cope while you keep doing it your way."
Ali just stared, she shook her head for a while and looked down.
"I don't know what you want me to say Emily."
"Why does it always have to be like that? Why do you think that there's something special that you have to say, like you have to find the perfect words or else if you don't it'll break me?"
No one could see it but Alison was shaking lightly, trembling so minimally that no one could tell except her. It was her emotions, bubbling inside of her, everything at once hitting her like a freight truck.
"It's because I'm scared too! Dammit, Emily, I think about everything all the time, every second, every waking breathing moment of my life, I'm thinking about how we all ended up here and I'm scared that
I won't be able to fix it this time and I can't wait any longer to find out whether I can start to live with myself or if I have to start hating myself again for all of this. I can't wait any longer, so if you all could just please do what we planned...," Ali stopped and sat herself down, "bring them home," she cried out desperately, "bring them home, bring them home," she chanted, "bring them home!"
Emily squinted her eyebrows in a known worry and in a rush came at Alison, wrapping her arms around the blonde's curved waist and pulled her away. There was no particular 'away,' but it was like Emily was trying to pull her away from the now, from the pain that she kept on bringing up.
Em managed to pull Ali into the bathroom that ran off the side of the room with the two queen beds and slammed the door, pushing Alison further into the room until her lower back hit and stopped against the counter.
"Emily, what are you doing? I don't have time to do this-"
"Do what?"
"I can't sit around and talk about my feelings! Every time we're together, it's this overwhelming urge to cry and apologize and make excuses and I forget that I'm the reason we're in this mess. I keep going back and forth with forgiving myself and moving on-"
"Then don't-"
"You make me!"
Emily's took a reactionary step back and her eyes narrowed at Alison.
"Emily, you make me forgive myself, I look at you and I know you want me to be okay, but I'm not. I can't keep saying I'm fine and listening to you, or Caleb, or even Mona and then turn into...in to...this! I can't not hate myself right now and you make it harder. I can't-"
"What else Alison?!" Emily couldn't either, she couldn't do it either: the back and forth. The ups and downs and round and arounds. It was like a seesaw or a perverted nightmare of a merry-go-round that she couldn't get off of. "What else can't you do? Go on, tell me. Because I don't think I can do it either, I can't do it. The back and forth with you, with myself. I may not have known you when I woke up, but I thought I did. I thought you were strong and fearless and...and...and if I was wrong, then..t-th-then you tell me right now! If you can't do this, tell me you're a quitter and I'll stop expecting things from you."
Alison simply stared at Emily, angry and upset and frustrated, scared beyond anything she could fathom and just confused, she didn't know what to do anymore.
Emily, on the other hand, was nervous, and afraid. She was afraid that Alison would say that she was a quitter, and it would be the end of whatever fairy tale she was trying to relive with the woman she was trying to re-love.
"I'm not going to stand here and wait around Alison, if you can't do this," Emily motioned between them and as much as that hurt, she kept going, "then I'm going to try to make it work." She took a deep breath, "so tell me you're quitting right now, I don't care, but you can not quit on everyone else...or yourself, don't be anything for me anymore if it's too much. Just be someone for yourself, I won't ask anything else, but for you not to quit on getting everyone home tonight."
"I don't know what-"
"You don't know what you're supposed to say?" Em finished for her, "Well the fact that you didn't say anything about making us work is all I needed." Emily set her jaw, lifted her chin a bit higher and walked towards the door, "I never thought you were a quitter...I guess I really did meet a stranger when I woke up in the hospital, and I still don't know you."
That was it.
Emily turned sharply on her heels and semi-slammed the door and pretended that there wasn't and incessant throbbing in her chest.
On the other side of that door, Alison clutched at her chest and tried not to let the burning pain in it suffocate her. She remembers the day she told Emily that her chest would hurt when Em was gone at work or school for too long and Emily would laugh.
It wasn't until Emily finished biology last spring in her first semester in college that she had an answer.
"I want to be a teacher I think, biology probably...or I was thinking maybe a nurse or doctor, but that's even more school. I can't handle more school. Or if not a teacher maybe a coach, like for the swim team, I miss it."
Alison smiled at her girlfriend: she was splayed all across her bed, papers, notes, notebooks, flashcards and her laptop surrounded Em, leaving Ali to sit comfortably on some blankets on the floor.
"Yeah, well I wouldn't mind my own personal doctor, or my professional mermaid, but I think you'd make a great teacher, plus you can't go to more school."
"Oh? I can't?"
"Nope."
"And why's that?" Emily looked up from her laptop and waited.
"Oh, I don't know," Ali sighed dramatically, "I think it's because I go to work and think of you and come home alone and when I remember you don't get here for a few more hours, well my chest hurts and I want you here with me."
Emily laughed a laugh of pure adoration and disbelief, "okay, where's Ali and what have you done with her, I want my girlfriend back."
"Hey, asshole, don't be rude."
"Oh, I found her!"
"Em! I'm serious, I miss you so much it physically hurts me."
"You know I finally have an explanation for that."
"Really?" Ali stood up and moved towards Emily's bed, she scooped up the whole lot of Emily's loose papers and slapped them to the ground. Then, she gently snapped the laptop shut, closed the books and the flashcards, those she just flung out of the way. Her last act was to plop down on the bed beside Emily and wait to hear her talk.
"You're like a child sometimes you know that, babe?"
Alison nodded and scoot closer to Emily - who was on her stomach, lifted up to rest on her elbows while Ali was rolled on to her back, so close to Emily that their sides were touching.
Brown eyes hovered and looked down into these wide, bright blue ones, "I'm going to sound like a total nerd right now - like high school Spencer during SATs nerd level - and you better not laugh because I know you asked me this before and I wanted to get you an answer, I real one. So you better not laugh because I asked my professor until he was blue in the face because I wanted get it right."
"Em," Ali said lightly, "you didn't have to-"
"I know, but I wanted to. You know, just because we're together now, doesn't mean I'm going to quit on you. And it most definitely means I won't quit trying to impress you."
Alison could do nothing but feel lucky to have someone so...so...just someone like Emily love her and be with her and, and...she was just lucky.
So "okay," was all Ali said.
Emily smiled, she looked nervous in the way she did it though, she didn't show her teeth, she didn't make eye contact and she tilted her head into her shoulder just a little, before taking a breath to start.
"Okay, so what I learned for you - and for myself - was that our brain uses the same neural system to process physical and emotional pain, which I thought was stupid because the brain is supposed to be this super cool complex thing you know and when I first-"
"Ehem," the blonde interrupted politely and tried to suppress her laugh. Looking up and Emily's face from this angle she could see how rapidly the blush in her cheeks spread.
"Sorry, sorry about that."
"It's okay babe, it was cute, and I'd let you keep going, but I actually do want to know what you learned about us."
Emily felt a sense of pride wash over her, re-awakening her urge to spew the science behind what most people call the pain of a broken heart: where your chest or heart hurts when you're sad.
"Because the same chemical - morphine - is capable of relieving emotional and physical pain, we know that both sensations use the same neural infrastructure...again, which I thought was kind of disappointing considering what our brains are capable of. But anyways, back to your question, our bodies make their own version of morphine called opioids. Just like the morphine, opioids are addictive. So reunions with loved one increase the level of opiods in both and what we - you know, science - have found out is that the opposite is equally as true: breakups can feel like withdrawal."
Alison sat and soaked it in, the morphine, the brain, the neuro-something or other, the opiwhatchamacallits and she just knew that she had been answered. In some strange sense - a sense she never would've fathomed - she understood what Em was saying.
The brain connected the physical and emotional parts like a piggyback system and when the emotional pain set in, it tricked the body into believing it was physical too. The only thing left unanswered was why it hurt in the chest where we think the pain is coming from in the first place.
"So the pain is physical but it's coming from our heads and if you ever break my heart, I will go through a withdrawal so bad that I will die."
"Really? That's what you got - no, all you got - from all of that? Ali! Ali, I spent hours learning that and
understanding it for you and wait...wait a sec, what makes you think that I'm going to be the one that will break your heart."
"I don't. But I've seen the capacity of your love, I know that's not all of it but...you took me back - that's all I need to know that I have to catch up to you. I'm not done loving you. So that means I can't afford to break your heart, because, simply put, I'm not done loving you."
"You're not a quitter."
"Really, Em?" Ali said, mocking the tone Emily just used, "that's what you got - no, all you got," Alison repeated, "from all of that?"
"Not funny."
"See," Ali jested.
Emily rolled her eyes before lifting her arm that was closest to Ali to rest it over her girlfriend's stomach"No, but seriously Ali, that's all I," she emphasized, "need to hear because that means that you're not a quitter and you won't quit on me."
"You think I'd quit on you?"
"You said you aren't done loving me, so you can't quit, you have no choice. Also, I've never quit on you and we both want this to work, so-"
"So."
"Yeah."
Emily smiled widely and leaned down, now half hovering over Ali, she had the advantage: some of her body weight was pressed into the blonde.
Ali never found it intimidating when Emily hovered over her like this but some times it was nice to know that she didn't have to be in charge all the time. She liked to lean back and just let Em take over, be the boss.
"I love you Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, I will not break your heart."
"And I love you Emily Catherine Fields and I will not quit on you."
Alison's POV
Except I did. And the only thing that could've made it worse was if Emily remembered...or if she had made me pinky promise it to her back then. That would've made it even more worse than the numbing pain that was always there.
It was exhausting, trying to keep up with all of the promises I was working on keeping. It wasn't exhausting trying to love Emily. That was easy. It was harder to let her love me back, but it was exhausting for me to keep at this, of making sure I don't disappoint her, and I fail anyways.
I fail her over and over again, and I can't take it. I can't keep doing this. I want to, but this, everything, all of it is making me realize that - and I can't even think it, let alone say it - that Emily deserves better. And maybe...maybe I'm not it anymore.
I was planning on mulling over the thought, letting it sink in and maybe it would hurt so bad I would die. Maybe it would stab right through what I was hiding from and just take over, so I can get this done and do right by Emily.
I could do right by her. This time, I don't have to push her. I could even do the opposite, I could just completely cut out the bad in her life. The bad, the pain...me.
I was planning on mulling over the thought, but there was a knock on the door. There was always a knock on the damn door.
"What!" It was harsh but what else was I supposed to do? That's who I am. Emily knew that and Emily was the only person who knew that I wasn't always that way. It could be that I was incapable of truly changing. Em just made me strong enough to be better and give her better.
I could do it better this time. She was already disappointed in me. She already thinks I quit her.
"Ali?"
"Well who else do you think is in here?" I spat bitterly at the faceless knocker.
"Who else do you think wants to deal with your crap?"
I sighed again, "Caleb, what the hell do you want?"
He didn't even wait for me to respond, he just opened the door - no, slammed it - so hard that the door knob swung and dented the wall behind it.
My shoulders bounced in surprise and I was expecting angry Caleb but I just got a vacant stare.
"I hope you're not coming in here to tell me-"
"I'm not in here to tell you anything anymore Alison."
"Caleb, I don't-"
"No, don't cut me off okay?! I'm not here to tell you that you're making a big mistake. I'm not here to yell at you that you're fucking up again, that you probably exhausted your last chance with the only person you've ever known that was willing to put up with you and call it love. I'm not here for that Alison. I'm not because I know you already know that. I know you got to see a glimpse of the way she broke when you just quit on her."
I looked up at him, in disbelief, did Emily tell him-
"She didn't have to tell me," he answered my unasked question, "we could all tell, she stormed out and you didn't follow. She followed you through hell and back, almost lost her life and still believed in you. You quit on her."
"I didn't."
"You did. Just like that," he nodded firmly, "but," he took a pause to breathe and change directions, "I didn't come here to tell you that. I came here," he finally looked up at me, "to tell you that we're ready to go. Mona and I have the signal jammers and trackers set, we're locked into the server and we're ready to go. Toby called for the local police to team up with Rosewood for backup but he lied about when to buy us some time. Ezra found the path to take to get to the cabin Charles is staying in and is-"
But his voice faded away and I started to look at the way his eyes wrinkled in the outer corners, like
her had aged all of a sudden, all to quickly. He looked tired and although we all said we'd sleep, I wondered if he stayed up most of the time like I did.
And the way Caleb looked at me right now, it was more than I deserved, but it was all I had ever wanted. He looked disappointed in me and as strange as it is, I always wanted my parents to look at me that way when I was younger.
I wanted them to be disappointed when I did something just as they said. Why? Because what they were teaching me was wrong, and deep down, as hard as I tried to hide it, I knew that. I wanted them to be disappointed so I could see that they believed I could be better...do better.
But they looked like it was expected, they knew exactly what I'd do each time and they hadn't even fought me on it.
Being disappointed in me would've meant that they cared, that they thought I was worth more.
Caleb looks at me like that now.
Caleb, who I never approved of, who I thought so lowly of, who I didn't think was good enough to be with Hanna...only because Hanna was my friend, and I thought he would never be good enough for me.
I was wrong, I'm the one who's not good enough to be his friend.
But just as soon as Caleb's voice faded away, it started to come back again, clear and strong, pulling me up - yet again - to the surface.
"So are you in or what? We only have one shot at this, and surprise is on our side, he won't be expecting us."
I found myself nodding before thinking about what it was I was nodding for.
But his voice faded away and I started to look at the way his eyes wrinkled in the outer corners, like
her had aged all of a sudden, all to quickly. He looked tired and although we all said we'd sleep, I wondered if he stayed up most of the time like I did.
And the way Caleb looked at me right now, it was more than I deserved, but it was all I had ever wanted. He looked disappointed in me and as strange as it is, I always wanted my parents to look at me that way when I was younger.
I wanted them to be disappointed when I did something just as they said. Why? Because what they were teaching me was wrong, and deep down, as hard as I tried to hide it, I knew that. I wanted them to be disappointed so I could see that they believed I could be better...do better.
But they looked like it was expected, they knew exactly what I'd do each time and they hadn't even fought me on it.
Being disappointed in me would've meant that they cared, that they thought I was worth more.
Caleb looks at me like that now.
Caleb, who I never approved of, who I thought so lowly of, who I didn't think was good enough to be with Hanna...only because Hanna was my friend, and I thought he would never be good enough for me.
I was wrong, I'm the one who's not good enough.
But just as soon as Caleb's voice faded away, it started to come back again, clear and strong, pulling me up - yet again - to the surface.
"So are you in or what? We only have one shot at this, and surprise is on our side, he won't be expecting us."
I found myself nodding before thinking about what it was I was nodding for.
Blurting in a hazed state, "Emily?"
I could tell then that he figured out that I was anything but listening to him when he was talking.
"She's...going to be fine. You know, the sooner this is over, the better."
"Okay then, tell me what I have to do."
"Ali-,"
"No, Caleb, don't, I'm not in charge here, I know how I am, it probably seemed that way to everyone, even to me, but you know as well as, or even more than I do, that I wasn't made to lead, you've got to do this."
"Alison."
"Do this, Caleb, for me, for you...for Hanna, you're in charge here, tell me what I have to do."
He wanted to fight me on this. His tanned skin wrinkled in the same way that Emily's did when she was worried, and I did what I did to Em, reassure.
"Caleb, you can do this, you're smarter than anyone pegs you for, yourself included. You figured out how to track him down, you did that. You can do this, you can bring them home."
"Home." He repeated, no life in his voice. i couldn't even tell if he meant to say that out loud, but he did.
"Yes, home, let Hanna sleep in her bed tonight. Hold her so she knows she can sleep safely."
"Hold her?" He was breaking.
"Yeah, I know you miss her."
In a way, I was talking Caleb into this as much as he was talking me into it. Our roles were reversed, leveled out...either way, we said to one another, just what we needed to hear.
And it worked.
"Ali-,"
"What do I do?"
"First? Get your ass up."
And I did.
x-x-x-x-x
I don't even know what time it was when we finally left our room, but outside, the sun had just set, leaving the sky on fire as waves of red, pink, purple and orange hues fused together effortlessly like a bowl of melted ice cream.
My eyes wandered, from one beauty to the next and found themselves settled on Emily. She hadn't spoken to me since I left the bathroom, but the way she would pretend not to stare at me even though I could feel her eyes let me know that she wanted to say something.
But if and when she did, what would I say to her? What could I possibly say?
"Ali, you know the drill right?"
"Yeah, I'm the bait. I lure Charles out, whatever that means and you will all be on standby, ready to go."
"Caleb, you sure this is a good idea?" It was the first time I had heard Ezra really voice his opinion about this whole thing.
Caleb answered truthfully, "no, but Ali is okay with this, it was the plan we all agreed to and we're not wasting anymore time thinking, now is the time to act."
"But if you're not sure-,"
"Ezra," I tried, "nothing in life is sure. Keep that in mind okay, there's never really any guarantee about the way things will happen. We never know until it's already happened and then it's too late. If you predicted it, then good but if not - and it knocks you off your feet and flat onto your ass - then you get the hell up and keep moving!"
I didn't mean for that to come out...any of it. I recognized it all as projection. I'm not enrolled in college like Emily was, but I did take 12 units worth of college coursework online. One of those was a class in intro psychology.
He looked at me and I think he knew I was speaking at him and not to him and I reeled it all back in: my feelings shouldn't keep coming out like this.
"Are you done?" Mona was bitter when I needed her to be and I wasn't mad, she's kept me in check through all of this, where Caleb kept me together, Mona kept in me in check, and she did it well.
"Yeah," I just sighed and walked a little ways away from everyone, noting how the sky was losing all its warm colors and instead turning cold. Just like me, the further I distanced myself from Emily, the colder I felt myself becoming. She was the sun, and if I broke this, then I would fall out of her orbit and forever be cold.
I couldn't warm up again, the person I worked so hard to become was fading away. I don't know if I had it in me to fight for that version of myself anymore when it would be so easy to let Emily off the hook after tonight and let her live the rest of her life.
I probably deserved it.
"Alison, we're waiting for you."
"Okay," my response was quick and I didn't emote anything, I could only remain stoic as I repeated the plan, "I walk halfway there, Caleb and Mona will turn off the signal jammers long enough for me to actually send a text to Charles this time. The moment he gets it, I should be within his camera range and he'll pick it up to see that I'm alone."
"Ali," Caleb walked towards me, "I know you know the plan, you don't have to say it again."
"Yes...I do, and I'm not saying it for you, so shut up."
He swallowed and I could see - from my peripherals - as Emily flinched at the tone in my voice.
I don't think she's heard me like that before. We were becoming new people to each other.
But I couldn't acknowledge her now, I couldn't fall to my knees and grovel and beg her to accept my apology and try to convince her that I would make this work that I was not and I would never dream of giving up on her.
But I didn't and I can't tell myself a good enough reason why I didn't.
I just continued talking, "when I'm in range, he'll see that I'm alone, he'll direct me to his lair and as this is happening, Toby will be tracking my every step with some FBI grade chip that he put in my locket, where it should be safe from Charles' screening which we're all sure he'll have.
"Once I'm in, I will press the button on one of the signal jammers which also acts as a wireless downloader (Caleb had the right words but I didn't pay too much attention to that) and switch it back on so that Caleb can link the two and access everything Charles has: his files, offline and on, live video feeds, everything of or related to the net, he'll hack and take away from that bastard.
"Then I wait about 5-10 minutes for you to come. First Toby and Ezra who will be accompanied by the baboon that is Wren, who will also not try to pull any stunts or will face a bullet to the head," I smiled in his direction, he was all but forgotten until I mentioned his name and he looked up like he forgot he was there too, "then Caleb and Mona and..."
I stopped, Emily shouldn't even be involved in the plan, I didn't want her to be, I needed to know that she was safe.
"And me," she spoke up.
"Yeah...actually what if you-"
"You don't get to be a quitter yet have all the energy required to tell me what to do."
I could tell she was forcing it, the bitterness wasn't natural at all, and she didn't look angry so much as frustrated. I could tell she knew it felt wrong, but she did it anyway...because I hurt her.
She wasn't acting like herself because of me.
So I quit again, I didn't have it in me to argue with her.
"Once, we're in, you are supposed to find the girls, hopefully Charles has me alone, so you can get to them, get them out and let the police, who Toby will be with and have on the way in perfect timing, arrest the son of a bitch...Sound good?"
In theory, if everything ran that smoothly, it would be a perfect plan. Perfect still if the timing was impeccable, there were no missteps and no surprises other than the one we had for Charles.
I wish all theories were true, I wish I wasn't such a coward.
"Okay, then," I said,obvious in my falsely chipper tone, "looks I'll be on my way, don't you assholes back out on me now," I tried to joke. But I didn't joke, everyone knew Alison DiLaurentis wasn't a joker.
So no one laughed, as expected, no one even said anything else. I was waiting for Caleb to say ,"Not funny" or "not likely" but we all knew no one was stopping now.
It was I could hear their feet shuffle in the dirt and gravel just at the edge of the trail, I was going to walk alone. I could've taken a car, but when second car followed, I'm sure Charles would notice that a look sooner than 5 other people.
I expected someone to say bye, but no one did, and I couldn't look at Emily, so I swallowed, nodded my head, and turned on my heels and took the first step to making this right.
I don't think I got that far before a knot tied itself in my stomach and my heart turned to solid ice, dropping into my bottom of my chest cavity, making me shiver all over.
What was I doing? What were we all doing? We should just turn over what we have and let Toby and his guys handle things.
What if we did that and someone else got hurt? When did I become so doubtful about anything I did?
I could tell myself some shit answer to make me feel better, but deep down I knew why...
It was because of Emily. Everything I did and have done to her. The fact that I can't confidently call her mine right now. She is...was the surest thing in my life and I messed it up, I messed her up. If I didn't have her love and her support even if it's because I pushed her away, then why was I doing anything anymore?
It's still all for her.
And I think she knew that too.
I don't know how far I got before that knot in my stomach snapped and the ice block of a heart I had cracked from being warmed again.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, her hand. I didn't think I could do it, I couldn't turn around.
She knew that too because I felt her hand, strong, grip my other shoulder and with them both, she turned me around to face her. Just over one of her shoulders, I could see the shock and then everyone's back faced us. I didn't even hear her come towards me, the silence in my head too loud.
I could feel my eyes, wide and open, blank. My mouth, dry and slightly hung open.
"You do not get to leave and not tell me goodbye." Emily looked at me square in the eye, it wasn't a question, it wasn't a warning nor was it a chance to say it then...it was a matter of fact, "Ali, I don't care that you think this is all your fault, I don't care that you hate yourself for what happened to me and everyone else, I don't care if you want to hate me for pushing you and wanting something back from you what I don't even know we had, I don't care.
"What I do care about though, is if I ever see you again. I care about the last words you said to me before you go and start this crazy 'plan' we just through together, I care about whether you come back or not," her grip on my shoulders loosened and her hands slid down my arms, barely touching me, stopping at my wrists. I imagine she was waiting to see if I pulled away, and when I did, she slipped her slender hands into and around mine and squeezed them gently, "I still care about you Ali, come hell or high water, I know that that's not going to change."
Her voice dropped, I didn't even realize that she was practically yelling before until now.
"So maybe this thing that happened changed me, so it changed you and our situation, and so maybe it changed what we are. But change doesn't have to be permanent. And...and...and I'll be damned if I have to stand behind you and watch you leave, remembering that the last thing that happened between us was me calling you a quitter.
"Because if that's the case, and you don't tell me that you care, and I have to wait and think that you are a quitter, then I might also think that you're going to give up and let Charles win. So this," she stepped away and released me, "is your chance to change my mind. You can change again, change what happens next, this is your chance."
I just looked at her, quiet.
"Emily, this is your chance," my voice cracked, "this is your chance to let me go."
The look in her eyes broke me. It's a look I've caused before, something I wish I wasn't so damn familiar with.
"No, Alison, you don't want that."
"You don't know what I want, I don't even know...you don't even know what you want. You still don't even know me."
That look in her eyes changed now, more change, and she was right, it wasn't permanent. That broken expression turned angry and she charged at me - closed the gap between us in a matter of milliseconds and replaced the soft hold that she had on my shoulders before with a stern shove. And then another, and another until I was talking twice as many steps back as she was forward.
"I know you dammit! God dammit you stubborn..st-stub-stubborn...BITCH! I know you," she shouted and I kept walking backwards from her explosion. Did she just call me a -
"Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, I know you! I may have lost my memory and I don't have all the pieces to complete the picture, but I know you," she repeated, her eyes becoming glossy, "I know that you think everything bad ever is your fault because your parents taught you how to cause so much pain and grief. I know your birthday and your favorite color. It's yellow, you thought you hated yellow because of all the happy images associated with it, but you love it because you love the sun and it reminds you of summer and being free.
"Alison Lauren DiLaurentis, I know that when you used to come over to my house you slept on the side of the bed you don't even like just because it was closer to the window and you like the window to be open so the moonlight can still come in. Why? Because it still reminds you of the sun, reminds you that even when it looks like the light is gone from the world, it finds a way to still guide you at your darkest times."
She stopped pushing me and the throbbing in my arms thanked her, but she had slowed down to catch her breath, her chest heaving slightly, her mouth hung open.
I, not having a clue what to say, watched her and she stopped making me stop feet in front of her, as she put her hands on her knees, eyes never leaving me.
"I know you dammit, you can't say that I don't. I know when we go to the movies you pick at the yellowest pieces of popcorn because they have the most butter, I know you hate when I slurp through the straw when there's no more soda in the cup, I know you buy skittles and have one of every color in your palm before eating them in order by which one you like the least so you can literally save the best for last," she took a deep breath in, it was shaky, and she continued, "I know you like dogs more than cats because dogs are loyal and if you leave the door open dogs will come back home.
"I know you Ali, I know when you're having a bad dream when you sleep, I know when you want to say something but you're holding it in. You don't get to tell me I don't know you. And you can't tell me that I don't know what I want either, because I do know," she took another deep breath, filling her chest, inflating the balloons we call lungs so she could stand up straight, "I want you," she declared and she took another step towards me, only to stumble and fall right before I could catch her, to her hands and knees, her faced almost completely drained of color.
"Tell me you want me too." Her breathing was shallow and she was burning up.
My eyes were filled with tears because she was right, and with my jean clad knees pressed into the dirt and my hands around her waist, in the middle of a place I never even heard of with the woman I can't even function, I realized how right she was and how wrong I was.
I was a fucking idiot.
"Ali, tell me you-,"
I cut her off with my mouth, letting our tears be tasted on each other's tongues who battled in an all too familiar dance for dominance. And I fought with her now, she needed to know.
"I want you. I always have and I always will."
"Don't quit on me," she pleaded and even though her hands were slack around my waist, I could still feel her, burning me with her touch.
The flames of her skin licked across the planes of mine and I cried with her. Her mouth relentless, mine unyielding and I kept saying I was sorry between breaths, "I'm so sorry," I'd kiss her hard, "I want
you," and I'd pull her lip with my teeth.
She was gasping when I felt my lips becoming bruised and I pulled away, grabbed the back of her head and pushed our foreheads together, "I'm not going to quit on you."
It sounded like she was having an asthma attack and finally worry swept over me, "good," she took a deep breath, her eyes lidded from love or exhaustion, I couldn't tell, "now," she sighed, "help me up," she coughed, "and get the hell out of here."
I don't know what was happening, or why she was suddenly was out of energy, but it was like I sucked the energy straight out her, like she poured it out into the open and the universe and I vacuumed every last bit of it.
"Emily-," I warned when she stood and took a wobbly step.
"You know what they say...love is dizzying?"
"No one says that," I had my arm around her waist until she used her hand to push it away, "I'm fine."
But she didn't look fine.
"Em, I don't think-"
"Tell me you love me."
"Wh-what?"
"Well, don't you?"
"What," I repeated.
She faced me, and looked at her wrist as if she wore a watch, "we are all running out of time, so tell. Unless it's not true."
"What? No of course it is."
"Well-,"
"Emily, I do love you, I love you but-"
"Nope, no buts, you can't take it back. I know all the terrible things you used to do, who you used to be, and you would never say you loved anyone, you know that right?"
"Yeah, but what does that have to do with-,"
"Do you want to hear me tell you that I love you? Because I do."
"Of course I want to hear you say it, but when the time is-"
"The time is right now. But I will tell you I love you when you lead us the beginning of the end of this."
"Why would you-"
"To give you motivation to come back to me. If it's not the last thing you hear...if I were you, I'd fight like hell to hear it from you."
She was insane.
We were bipolar and broken and stubborn yet somehow it was perfect.
I don't know why I trusted her enough to leave her now, because I still don't think she looked well, but I loved her, god dammit and I deserved that and I deserved to let her love me if she wanted to, so I found myself smiling.
"So I can take a rein check on that then?"
She copied my smile and nodded her head, "I'll keep it on hold."
"No one else is going to cut me in line and steal it right?"
"Not if you hurry."
"Then I'll run."
And like that, we were playful. Broken, angry, upset to playful and promising I love you's.
It didn't make sense, and it shouldn't have worked...but it did. It worked for us. Broken things for broken people worked perfectly.
I pecked her on the lips, "I know you too Emily Catherine Fields, whose favorite color is blue, whose birthday is my favorite day, who likes to pick and eat the chocolate chips from the muffins we buy at the bakery, who eats peanut butter and sriracha on almost everything and who lets me sleep on whatever side of the bed I want so I can look out the window whenever I'm not looking at you.
"I know you, and I love you."
She just smiled and shook her head, "this doesn't look like running to me."
I just smirked and for the first time in my life, I didn't walk to where I was going, I ran.
And I didn't look back because there was too much I had to do.
I didn't look back, so I didn't see what happened as soon as I took off.
x-x-x-x-x
I ran until I thought my lungs were catching fire and my legs would give. Coincidentally that was also where the car trail ended and the you-can-barely-make-it-out-if-you-squint-your-eyes foot trail began.
The woman working at the counter in the front instructed us that upon checking in, a ranger in his truck would go with a hotel bellhop and bring your belongings along with food up to you cabin so that you and your family or friends could enjoy what they called "a splendid walk with nature."
I was just having a splendid thorn in my ass and sweat under my boobs marathon.
Now that I was here, I knew it was just the beginning of the many phases to our ingenious plan.
x-x-x-x-x
Phase One: Send the text
No One's POV
Ali ran for as long as she could. Coincidentally, that was right until she felt like my lungs were on fire and her legs were about to buckle, it also just so happened to be when the beat up path that the trucks take ended and where she had to find the road less traveled: the actual hiking trail.
Like the woman in the front had explained, most guests who chose not to stay in the hotel just checked in, left their belongings in the front where a ranger and bell hop would take their bags to the cabin while they chose the hiking trail (beginners, intermediate and expert) to your cabin. Lucky enough Toby had 'mapped' out a trail for Ali to follow that ran just along the drive road.
Her blue-eyed, blonde head peered through the trees to her right and decided that she didn't have my map upside down and that going right was the way to go.
If she went too far, she would start to see red ribbons tied around the trees. She stomped her way through the brush and low hanging branches until a beat up path could be made out. Just worn a little more than the surrounded ground - a shallow divet where feet had walked repeatedly to the same destination.
However, the farther she walked, the more haunting the trees and everything else around her started to become. It brought Alison back to the last time that she had tried to find Charles on her own. That very first time weeks ago. It was difficult for her to think about how long that was because it seemed like forever ago yet again, it seemed like it was just yesterday.
Alison was just so tied of being scared, tired of pushing Em and letting the thought that she didn't deserve her seep into every corner of her brain. She wanted to take Charles out of the picture and start living her life again...her life with Emily.
A: It's my turn to stalk you now, "big brother"
Ali sent the text the moment she reached the foot trail and her heart pounded faster for it, in anticipation, waiting. How the tables have turned she thought. All the years she and the others had spent, wishing and hoping that they would never get a text or note or subliminal message from -A...and here she was, waiting in nothing but the sound of dead leaves cracking under her shoe, for Charles to text her back.
And she didn't have to wait long. Just a minute or so after, the all too familiar sound of an unknown number's text message cut through the silence.
C: Ah, sister, I see your posse isn't as dumb as I thought, although I expected you sooner
Ali has no idea what this man sounds like, what her brother, her tormentor sounds like, if his voice is low and flat or silky or anything...but she could hear sarcasm and the smirk in his words now and she wanted to scream at him, having no idea that he was amusing himself, watching her hike her way towards him.
C: No worries, you're almost here. Then we can finally have some real fun
Her mind was racing and she just wanted to see the damn bastard just so she could wipe whatever look he had on his face right off. She looked around and had no clue where his cameras were hidden, so she walked with her head on a constant swivel, not even bothering to text back a snarky comment of her own.
C: it's a good thing you came alone, just like I knew you would
She was almost there, she could taste it in the air around her, feel it in the thumping in her chest. That knowledge, knowing she was so close, made her throw caution to the wind, even if it meant satisfying Charles by responding back with
A: you know nothing
C: think what you want, but I know you...and I know how this ends...
x-x-x-x-x-x
AN: (RANDOM SHIT) let me know you think, was it worth the wait? probably not, lol, excuse any mistakes, I was too lazy to proof read.
I'm just excited...there's only 5 maybe 7 more chapters, then I'll ask you all if I should do a sequel...i'm still debating...
Tell me how your life has been, anything you want to share? I'll share...i just bought like 20 books from Amazon, and now I'm broke broke bc I was already broke before, but oh whale, it's my money...LOL and I have Amazon Prime so suck it bank account
love, Lina