Chapter 11
"Demon hosts." Sakura says as if in a daze.
Sasori nods. "Every single one of them, even your precious Sasuke."
"I don't believe it."
"Truth is a hard pill to swallow. Sasuke Uchiha is possibly the least human person out there."
"That…" Sakura's mind quickly processes all the information it has gathered over the years pertaining to Sasuke, including his behavior, his actions, and the number of times he's been expelled and removed from Konoha High via police escort. "That actually makes sense."
They are currently standing in Sasori's balcony, in the freezing night air. Sakura shivers as she admires the breathtaking view from the twentieth floor. "The skyline looks so pretty. You are so lucky you live here."
"It's all useless." It feels so good to admit this to someone, to confess. Normally Sasori would never reveal this much of his inner self to anyone, but this pink haired girl, this child, possibly understands him better than anyone ever could. Including his business mogul parents, and his grandmother, and great-uncle. They all want him to move on, to marry some faceless girl, to replace Deidara, the love of his life. "It's all pointless without him here."
"I don't know." Sakura shivers, "Money is pretty amazing. It can replace a lot of things. Even that beautiful blond you are in love with."
"Why haven't you replaced Sasuke?"
"I haven't had a chance to." Sakura shrugs, "I have spent my entire life obsessing over him, and then all of a sudden, he's married. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye to him."
"So you want to move on?" Sasori gives Sakura a disgusted look. "You aren't going to fight for him?"
"I honestly don't see a single reason why I should." Sakura shrugs. "Sasuke isn't exactly pining away for me. I have wasted so much time wanting something I can never have. There is literally a curse designed to stop all outsiders from mating with Uchihas. And there are demons involved. If I keep binge drinking like this I will fry my liver… I don't see why I should bother fighting for such a flawed individual." And then Sakura says something she never thought would come out of her mouth. "I deserve better."
"You are pathetic."
"You are worse." Sakura doesn't care if she's alone with this strange man, nor does she care if he hurts her. "Deidara is pregnant. He has moved on. You should too. Find a person better suited for you. Screw the damn Uchiha family. We don't need them or their sloppy seconds."
"You are drunk." Sasori looks away from emerald green eyes. He can't bear to stare into their grassy depths. "You don't know what you are saying."
"Look at this place." Sakura gestures to the fancy apartment behind her. "There is no hint of your personality in there. Who are you? Where has your inner self gone? You are so busy stalking Itachi and Deidara, you haven't even created a life for yourself. You could be out there," Sakura gestures to the glittering world and the night lights, "Making a difference. Saving lives, doing charity, fighting injustice, but you are rotting in here, pining away for something which isn't even suited for you."
"You don't even know me." Again, there is surprise on Sasori's beautiful, doll-like face, "You just met me…"
"I know exactly who you are." Tears streak down Sakura's face, she is not only drunk, she is also in the middle of a mental breakdown. "I see you in the mirror every-day," that said, the drunken pinkette sobs and throws herself on the nearest sofa.
When Sasori checks on her five minutes later, she has fallen into a deep sleep. Sighing at the brat, Sasori covers her with a blanket, and goes to bed.
"Have a good day at school, Naruto." Kushina cuddles her baby and then pats Sasuke's head, like one would a loyal dog. "Pay attention in class, you have a lot of material to absorb. Exams are starting in two months."
"Right." Sasuke says blandly. He will pass the exams, even if he has to resort to cheating. No way is his dobe going to the next grade without him.
"You have to do well in school." Minato glares at his son-in-law icily. "My son's future depends on it."
"Sasuke's super smart, daddy." Naruto smiles up at his father adorably. "He's a genius. It's why our children will be geniuses too."
"Don't be silly," Minato grabs Naruto and places soft kisses on his son's face. "There's no guarantee that Sasuke's offspring will be intellectually gifted."
Sasuke doesn't mind when Minato grabs his son and possessively showers Naruto with affection. If anything, the sight soothes him. The demon recognizes Minato as Naruto's origin and highly approves of the man responsible for bringing its mate to existence. Minato's presence also serves as the helpful reminder that should something happen to Sasuke and Naruto, their future offspring can rely on their well-to-do, and young grandparents.
"How old are you?" Sasuke asks Minato and Kushina as Kisame pulls into the driveway.
"You are asking because?" Minato sneers.
"You look kind of young to be a parent to a teenager."
Kushina can't help herself. She pinches Sasuke's cheeks. "You are so cute." Her son-in-law's comment comes off as an attempt at flattery, not the objective observation it's meant to be.
"We were young when we had him." Minato says, a confused frown on his face, "Teenagers ourselves."
"Good." Sasuke is very satisfied with Minato and Kushina's age. He wants his child to have as young grandparents as possible. Fugaku and Mikoto aren't exactly geezer and hag themselves, but compared to Naruto's parents, they look haggard.
"We didn't have Naruto at the age we had him for your approval." Minato doesn't have to add you idiot at the end of that sentence, it's implied.
"He just called us young." Kushina scolds the towering blond. "Take the compliment."
Sasuke looks at his in-laws critically. They are an exceptionally beautiful couple; they have to be to produce a child as perfect as Naruto. Another reason to be satisfied. Sasuke's children will surely come out perfect, no matter which side of the family they take after, paternal or maternal.
"You are one judgemental little brat." Minato sneers at Sasuke just when Kisame pulls into the driveway to drive them to school. "Accessing us like we are your property."
"You kind of are." Sasuke isn't intimidated by Minato's cold blue eyes in the slightest. Minato is a dominant version of Naruto, and nothing which is even remotely associated with Naruto can ever be threatening to Sasuke. The dobe inspires nothing but happiness. "Everything that belongs to Naruto belongs to me, dad."
"Don't you call me that," Minato takes a step forward threateningly as Sasuke smirks infuriatingly. "Don't you dare call me that."
Sasuke calls his own father by the formal term 'father' but to see the sheer anger in Minato's eyes is all worth it.
"Daddy, don't hurt Sasuke." Naruto looks up at his father with puppy dog eyes, and it's that when Sasuke realizes how powerful his dobe really is, what the adorable little fox is capable of doing. Minato's murderous eyes soften.
Kushina is very proud of her son. He inherited the puppy eyes from her, and it seems both Minato and Sasuke are highly susceptible to their compelling power.
"Have a nice day, children." Minato bites out.
Sasuke smirks, "You too, dad."
Kisame frowns when Sasuke and Naruto jump into the vehicle and scream at him to drive. Minato looks as if he's going to chase the car, but Kushina's tight grip on his bicep holds him back.
When Naruto and Sasuke arrive at school, they are greeted by a scarecrow.
"Welcome back." Kakashi says, bored, in the silence of the brisk morning air.
"Thanks." Sasuke takes the bundle of notes and assignments Kakashi offers.
"Let me know if you need help."
"I will." Kakashi is the only person Sasuke feels comfortable asking for help. He would never go to another teacher, and Itachi is out of the question. Sasuke wants to impress his older brother, not show any kind of intellectual weakness in front of him.
"You don't need to worry, sensei," Naruto says earnestly. "I will make sure Sasuke bastard does well."
"I'm sure you will." Kakashi says blandly and before he can disappear around the corner, Naruto's question stops him.
"Why are you mad at my dad?"
A slight pause in Kakashi's gait is all Naruto gets for his trouble, along with a cold, standoffish, "Mind your own business."
Sasuke scowls at Kakashi's rudeness. "Ass." He mumbles. "Ignore him, dobe." He says to his mate. "The truth will come out eventually."
"I just want my dad to be happy." Naruto lets Sasuke leads them to their first class. "That's not going to happen until he resolves whatever the hell that's going on between him and Kakashi."
"It's going to work itself out," Sasuke is delighted to find that the classroom is completely empty when they walk in. God bless Kisame for dropping us off early. He thinks to himself.
"Why is he so mad at dad?" Naruto wonders aloud when Sasuke starts placing kisses on his throat and jaw. "No sex at school."
"What?" Sasuke pulls away as if shocked electrically.
"We have to control ourselves." Naruto rolls his eyes at Sasuke's gutted expression. "We are not animals." Like Jugo and Kimimaro.
"Says who?" Sasuke grumbles as Naruto places a chaste kiss on his forehead.
"If we get caught having sex in a public places, then it goes on our permanent record," Naruto explains to his mate. "Someday, when our nephews and nieces, and our son or daughter attend this school, they may find out about this. I want to set a good example for the next generation."
"Screw the next generation." Sasuke says crankily, but obeys Naruto and takes a seat.
"My dad is an amazing human being." Naruto thinks aloud to himself. "It must be Kakashi sensei's fault."
"You father can be pretty mean when he wants to be, dobe." Sasuke has seen glimpses of Minato's dark side. "I would know."
"That's because daddy hates you. Kakashi clearly holds a place in dad's heart."
"Maybe they were lovers?" Sasuke may not have seen Kakashi's face, but he is fully aware of the godly body hiding underneath, dull, dark clothes. The bastard may be obsessively shy about his face, but flaunting his body is perfectly fine in that demented mind. "Maybe he's upset with your mother for taking him away?"
"I don't know." Naruto says thoughtfully. "Mom and Dad have been together since they were fourteen… and Kakashi sensei seems a little young for dad."
"Age differences don't always stop Kakashi." Sasuke wrinkles his nose when he remembers the time he walked in on teenage Kakashi with his middle-aged homeroom teacher. "He's kinky like that."
"My mom would castrate Kakashi sensei." Kushina's temper is legendary. She takes the angry redhead stereotype to new heights.
"Kakashi would have already had them divorced if he was interested in your father. He's evil like that."
"This is much deeper than a standard case of jilted lovers." Naruto says thoughtfully.
Before Sasuke has a chance to comment on how sexy his dobe looks when being smart, Shikamaru shuffles in, bleary eyed and tired as fuck. "Morning." He manages to hoarsely whisper before collapsing beside Naruto.
"Something is seriously wrong with him." Naruto gives Shikamaru's exhausted face a worried look.
"Of course there's something wrong with him," Sasuke rolls his eyes at Shikamaru's face. The boy looks traumatized at having to wake up early. "He's a Nara."
"He needs medical intervention."
"The Nara tend to be smarter than the Uchiha, they're just too fucking lazy to get anything done." Sasuke shakes his head. "Shikamaru's as smart as Kakashi. He could cure cancer if he wanted to. All that potential, wasted."
Shikamaru's asleep sitting up. Naruto has been sleeping well now, but still finds himself jealous of the Nara's naturally ability to pass out anywhere.
"It's a good thing Neji's got 360 degrees of vision. He can protect Shikamaru's dumb ass should someone attack him in his sleep."
"360 degree vision?"
"It's Neji's bloodline."
"I don't think it will ever come to that." Naruto bites his lip nervously. "I don't ever see them together."
"Don't say stupid things." Sasuke snaps, "I will make sure they get together."
"Someone has to say something. Neji won't say it. Shikamaru won't say it. I guess it's gonna have to be me." Naruto gets a mulish look on his face, and before Sasuke can stop him from doing whatever foolish thing he's planning on doing, he blond starts shaking Shikamaru violently. "WAKE UP YOU LAZY BASTARD."
Shikamaru is jolted from his peaceful slumber as if taken from a warm blanket and dropped into ice cold water. "What the fuck?"
"Neji loves you, please go out with him." Naruto pleads pathetically; ignoring his husband's shocked expression.
"Naruto," Shikamaru says sternly. "I cannot humor you right now. It's nap time." That said, he closes his eyes. Soft snores are heard seconds later.
Naruto lets out a sad, frustrated sob so desperate and desolate, Sasuke leaps over the desk and immediately cuddles the blond close to his chest. "Shh, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay."
"Neji will die alone." Naruto whispers, rendered deranged due to Shikamaru's obliviousness.
"He probably will." Sasuke confirms, and gives Shikamaru's comatose body a furious look.
"Our relationship is progressing so fast. Why can't they learn from our example? They are supposed to be smart."
"If there's one thing I have learned from being a member of the Uchiha family, dobe," Sasuke kisses Naruto's lips, enjoying their plush softness, "is that even geniuses can be imbeciles."
"Who is this?" Sasori's grandmother discovers Sakura on the couch, "And why is she still dressed?" Usually when Sasori brings his whores over, they are naked and debauched in his bed, not carefully covered on his sofa.
"She's no one." Sasori says tonelessly. "Would you like some tea?"
"I would like you to get dressed," Grandmother sneers at Sasori, "and go help my brother. He's too old to be running that circus by himself."
"You should go help him."
"I'm running a damn hospital." Grandmother gives Sakura's sleeping form a calculating look, "Which you are also welcome to come assist me with. Do something with your life, Sasori. That blond harlot of yours is knocked up with the Sharingan brat's child."
"Go away." Sasori says as he disappears into his bedroom.
"My head." A sad whimper comes from Sakura's general direction. "I will never drink again."
"How many times have I heard that before?" Grandmother smirks, amused. "Not as many times as I have said it."
Sakura sits up, clutching her skull gently, "Never again."
"Lots of greasy foods," Grandmother calls out, as Sakura hobbles out the front door, almost tripping over her heels. "Best hangover cure."
"I wish you would go away." Sasori comes out fifteen minutes later, dressed in a fine Armani number, and at grandmother's scowl pauses, "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"
"It makes you look too old." Grandmother hates the color grey on her grandson. "Grey is an old color."
"You would know."
"We will never find you a wife if you keep dressing like a geezer."
Sasori loves grey, it's the color of Deidara's eyes. He tries to wear it as much as possible.
"Who was that girl?"
"Nobody."
"Was she a hooker?"
"Yes grandmother," Sasori rolls his eyes, "She was fully clothed on my couch, of course she was a hooker."
"She was pretty."
"I am tired of your meddling." Sasori walks out of his apartment, leaving Chiyo inside.
"Ungrateful brat," The elderly, yet surprisingly healthy woman lets herself into Sasori's kitchen. "I change my mind, some tea would be good right about now."
"Uchiha Naruto." Kakashi sensei calls out.
Sasuke turns around from where he's sitting between Gaara and Neji, and smirks at his mate.
Naruto blushes. His bastard husband sure is smug at Naruto taking the Uchiha name. "Present sensei." He says, and even Shikamaru gives Naruto a teasing grin.
"When will I get to take the Aburame name?" Kiba asks Shino, incredibly jealous that Naruto is married before him. Blondie managed to get a ring on his finger before Kiba, who has been dating and pleasing Shino with rigorous sex for years. "How did Sasuke the psycho degenerate make it to the wedding alter before us?"
"We are not having this discussion right now." Shino answers calmly.
"I'm not putting out until you propose," Kiba says sweetly and then whispers to Hinata who is sitting on the other side of him, "Switch seats with me."
"S-sure," Hinata says timidly, and seats herself between the two lovers.
Shino refuses to show weakness in front of Kiba, even though inside, he's freaking out. The prospect of blue balls is frightening.
When Kakashi is done taking attendance, he claps his hands together giddily.
A panicky silence falls over the room. Kakashi's face may be hidden by a mask, but the sheer joy which surrounds the man is overwhelmingly scary.
"My darling students."
"I don't like where this is going." Shikamaru looks positively alarmed.
"We have finished our curriculum for this class two months ahead of time." Kakashi says serenely.
"How?" Chouji asks without bothering to raise his hand. Kakashi's classes are casual environments. "What did you do to us?"
"Sensei," Ino says, "Did you do something with the Sharingan to plant all that knowledge inside our head?"
"Don't be silly." Kakashi cocks his head to the side, "That would be terribly unethical."
The class takes that as a yes.
"The final exam is on Friday." Kakashi continues, "And after, we will have quite some time left over."
"I'm scared." Shikamaru, Hinata and Kiba whisper simultaneously, and Naruto finds himself whimpering. Sasuke turns around, and gives Naruto a pained smile. It's not going to end well.
"I'm using that time to conduct a social experiment."
"Shit." Again, multiple voices say together, and Naruto is starting to regret coming back to school. I should have just stayed home and become a housewife.
"Sasuke and Naruto's nuptials have…" Kakashi claps his hands together, "inspired me."
Kiba turns around and seethes at Naruto. "Thanks."
Before Kakashi can continue, a pinkette runs in, gasping. She obviously ran in here. "Sorry, sensei."
"Miss. Haruno." Kakashi allows the panting girl to take a seat beside Ino, who hugs her, before continuing. "You are all going to be married."
"Oh god," Shino has heard about this 'social experiment.' His cousin Torune was in Kakashi's class a year ago. "This is definitely not going to end well."
"The mates will be assigned randomly."
"What about me and Sasuke?" Naruto asks softly. "We're married for real. Surely we will be allowed to stay together?"
"No special treatment," Kakashi wags a finger, "Random assignment."
"My mate could end up with another seme?" Sasuke hisses. "I don't care how strong you are Kakashi. Or that you're my godfather. I will end you for this."
"Relax," Kakashi giggles at the death threat. "It's all good fun. And of course, participation is mandatory to pass this class."
"How did the principle agree to this?" Multiple, panicked voices ask together.
"The principle agrees with everything I say." Kakashi states.
"Because of the Sharingan," Ino accuses again, and is completely ignored.
"First pairing," Kakashi produces a brightly colored box out of nowhere and pulls out a two tiny slips of papers, presumably with two unfortunate student's names on it, "Sasuke and Chouji."
"Oh god," Sasuke face palms, "Why did I come back?"
"Ugh," Chouji lets out a disgusted sigh, "He can't even cook. What's the point?"
"Ino and Hinata."
"Nice." Ino says pleasantly.
Hinata sighs in relief. This could have ended ugly.
"Gaara and Lee."
"I shall be the best husband ever." Lee stands up. "Gaara, you are my eternal rainbow of youth. Every day will be roses and sunshine. Every night will be a passionate dance of love."
Gaara makes a show of catching the kiss Lee blows his way.
"That's not fucking fair." Sasuke shrieks in outrage. "Why do they get to stay together?"
"It's all random, Sasuke chan." Kakashi says sweetly, and then continues picking more names.
"I want Shikamaru." Chouji complains.
"Naruto and Sakura."
A hush falls upon the room.
Sasuke's mate, and the girl who has a serious thing for him. The awkwardness of the whole situation is painful.
"Kakashi sensei is cruel." Kiba winces. Shino and Hinata nod in agreement.
"Fuck my life." Sasuke smacks his forehead.
Naruto is aware Sasuke dated Sakura, but her level of obsession, not so much. He shrugs at his husband, who looks deeply annoyed.
Sakura seems to have frozen. Her face pales. Ino is outraged. "Kakashi sensei, you can't be serious."
Kakashi completely ignores the horrified looks directed at him. "Shikamaru and Neji."
Sasuke and Gaara give each other relieved looks. At least something good came out of this mess. This could be Neji's big chance to finally reveal his undying love for Shikamaru.
"That's so random." Shikamaru says and Naruto glares daggers at him. Leave it to the oblivious Nara to think being assigned as a pretend mate to the boy who's in love with him is fucking random.
"Tenten and Shino."
Kiba grits his teeth. Shino is assigned to an attractive female. This isn't good.
"Sai and Kiba."
Shino growls. Kiba lets out an evil chuckle. That will show the bastard for being commitment phobic.
"Pity." Sai muses aloud, "I was hoping to be assigned to Naruto."
"What the fuck did you just say?" Sasuke stands up and addresses the male sitting across the room.
"I said," Sai stands up and the rest of the class stares in stunned silence. "I was hoping to be assigned to the gorgeous blond who is too good for you."
"What the fuck?" Shikamaru turns toward Naruto. "I did not see this coming."
"I have never even spoken to that guy." Naruto says, surprised. "I don't understand what's going on."
"You are uke," Kiba turns around, "You don't have to address a seme to attract him. Your pheromones will do that for you."
"I am his husband, you jackass." Sasuke yells across the room.
"But for how long?" Sai questions, and before people even have time to blink, Sasuke is in the middle of the room, being pushed away by Kakashi.
"Control yourself," Kakashi warns as Sasuke glares up at him, Sharingan activated and all.
"That bastard just challenged my claim on my mate."
"Naruto will be mine." Sai keeps talking, "Enjoy him will you can. It's only a matter of time I steal him for myself."
"That's not going to happen, Sasuke." Naruto runs to his husband's side. "I am yours." Blue eyes glare at Sai next, "You hear that, I belong to Sasuke."
"For now." Sai smirks at Naruto charmingly, "Don't you want to know what it's like to be with a real man?"
"I will slit your throat and bath in your blood." Sasuke hisses angrily. Gaara, Neji, Lee and Shino join Kakashi in holding the Uchiha back. "You don't know who you're challenging."
"Calm down Sasuke," Lee struggles with the arm he's trying to hold, "True love conquers all. You should not be threatened, Naruto's heart belongs to you."
"Listen to Bushy Brows." Naruto says.
"You gave me a nickname." Lee says, joyous tears in his eyes, "We are the best of friends."
"Now's not a good time," Naruto says through gritted teeth, "My husband's about to go on a rampage."
"Sai," Kakashi says, "Leave."
"Whatever," Sai grabs his bag, "I will see you later, Naruto."
"Like hell you fucking will," Sasuke screams at the retreating figure.
"He's nobody." Naruto grabs Sasuke's face. "Listen to me, I am yours."
"No," Sakura says from where she's sitting beside Ino, "You're mine now. Kakashi sensei, should we go with our assigned mates?"
Ino gives the pinkette a calculating look. "Why so eager?"
"I want barbeque," Chouji grabs Sasuke's arm. "Buy me barbeque."
"Chouji," Shikamaru says, exasperated, "I don't think that's a good idea right now." Sasuke looks feral.
"Let's all go get barbeque," Naruto agrees with Chouji a hundred percent. "Sasuke bastard, buy me barbeque."
"Where are you going?" Shino asks Kiba, his body is occupied with holding Sasuke back, but his eyes are following his boyfriend's every move.
"My mate just left," Kiba says sweetly, "I'm following him."
"Kakashi sensei," Tenten sighs, "You sure love to make trouble."
"It's not trouble," Kakashi says, "It's a…"
"Social experiment" Gaara finishes Kakashi's sentence, "We know."
"How dare he?" Sasuke takes deep breathes in order to try and relax himself. "How fucking dare he?"
"I'm surprised Naruto isn't getting more propositions," Ino sighs, "He looks so tasty and fuckable."
"Language!" Kakashi reprimands.
"You're not helping, Ino." Shikamaru warns as Sasuke growls and tries to break free from the hold the men have on him.
"Relax," Gaara grabs Sasuke's shoulders as Neji rubs soothingly at his biceps. "Calm down."
"How would you like it if someone ran off with Lee?" Sasuke asks Gaara.
"I am not really that worried about Lee." Gaara says dryly as Lee makes an outraged noise.
"I would never betray the love of my universe in such a manner. I couldn't possibly show my face to Guy sensei if I committed such a heinous crime against my beloved."
"Gaara trusts Lee." Naruto sniffles, "You don't trust me?"
"Yeah Sasuke," Ino smirks, "You don't trust your mate?"
"Lee can handle himself." Sasuke tells Naruto, "He works out like a psycho."
"He sure does," Gaara smirks when he's reminded of Lee's abs.
"Children," Kakashi interrupts the futile discussion. "Your assignment is to move in with each other for the rest of the term, and spend time getting to know each other."
"What the fuck is the point of this?" Sasuke asks as the hands holding him relax at his obviously calmer tone of voice, "Why are you punishing us?"
"It's a…"
Sasuke grabs Kakashi's collar. "You say the words 'social experiment' one more time and I swear to god…"
"Sleepover!" Ino shrieks and grabs Hinata's arm forcefully. "We can do each other's hair and give each other manicures and watch each other's favourite movies."
"This is going to be a piece of cake," Gaara wraps an arm around Lee's waist. "We spend most nights at each other's place anyway."
"Move in with each other?" Shino pales at the thought of Kiba sleeping over at Sai's place.
"You can move into the guest bedroom." Tenten says to Shino bossily, "Don't get any funny ideas."
"I have a boyfriend." Shino says, "I think."
"Don't worry," Hinata says to Shino, "I'm sure Kiba will forgive you, eventually."
"I don't want to live with Sasuke." Chouji mumbles, "He can't even cook."
"I guess I'm sleeping over at your place." Sakura says to Naruto, who smiles weakly.
"I hate you." Sasuke sneers at Kakashi. "I will never speak with you."
"I love you too, Sasuke chan."
When the students are gone, and Kakashi is left standing alone, Iruka walks in, two coffees in hand, "Kakashi, what's the point of torturing your students like this, year after year."
"I like making people uncomfortable." Kakashi takes the coffee, "You didn't forget my sugar, did you?"
"I don't understand how you maintain such a perfect figure."
"So you admit I have a perfect figure?"
"I admit it's perfect by some standards." Iruka is lucky for his tan skin color, it hides his ridiculous blush.
"And which standards are those."
Movie star standards. "I don't know." Iruka chickens out of Kakashi's obvious trap. "Must be some standards out there which approve of perfect bodies."
Kakashi sighs. "The exam is on Friday. I still have to make it. I am tempted to just pass the students without testing them. I know they know the material. I made sure it's in their brains forever."
"I will help you make the exam," Iruka smiles coyly, "If you promise to help me finish the bottle of vintage wine I've been saving for the past ten years."
"Getting me drunk?" Kakashi gasps at Iruka's laugh, "You fiend."
"I will take that as a yes."
"Enjoy me while I last." Kakashi chugs his coffee. "One of my students will eventually end up murdering me."
"You're asking for it."
"God, he is such a bastard." Sasuke growls as he rushes into his home, Naruto following closely behind.
"Welcome home," Deidara blinks when Chouji and Sakura follow the newest Uchiha couple.
"I'm hungry." Chouji says, predictably.
Deidara scratches his head, "I made some…"
Chouji doesn't even wait to hear Deidara finish, just runs toward the kitchens at a speed a person of his weight shouldn't be able to manage.
"How does he know where the kitchens are?" Deidara asks aloud, "He's never been here."
"Let's get this over with," Sakura sighs and follows Chouji, "The sooner it's done, the sooner I can go home."
"Fuck my life," Sasuke throws his hands up and follows her.
"What happened?" Itachi comes out of his office to see what all the commotion is about.
"Kakashi ruined my life." Sasuke calls out loudly.
"He's said that so many times, it's lost all meaning." Itachi mumbles, but follows Sasuke anyway, terribly interested.
"There's an assignment," Naruto tries to explain.
"Where you have to 'marry' someone from your class?" Deidara says sympathetically, "I got paired with Konan. It wasn't so bad."
"Who did Itachi bastard get paired with?"
"That's a story for another day," Deidara winces as he recalls the memory of Itachi and Sasori beating the life out of each other. They were both in the hospital for months.
Kisame who's just joined them bursts into giggles, "Oh god, Kakashi's 'social experiment' was the single more hilarious thing to have ever happened."
"Who was it?" Naruto's curiosity peaks as Kisame has to hold on to the wall to keep himself upright.
"Never-mind," Deidara pushes Naruto in the kitchen's direction. "Let's see what our husbands are up to."
Kisame is left laughing hysterically by himself, unable to catch his breath.
"He gave us a questionnaire," Sasuke bangs his head against the kitchen table repeatedly, "It's all dirty questions."
"Oh, yes," Itachi glares, "I remember that."
"Who was your first kiss?" Sakura reads from the piece of paper Kakashi had somehow managed to shove in their bags without a single person in their class noticing.
"Shikamaru," Chouji pauses between shovelling ice-cream into his mouth, "Or Ino, I'm not sure."
"I don't fucking know," Sasuke throws his hands up, "I can't remember that far back."
"Sasuke bastard," Naruto says next.
"Sasuke." Sakura says and it's awkward. So ugly and awkward that even Itachi winces at the silence that follows.
"This is awesome," Kisame who's walked in without anyone noticing rubs his hands together, "Kakashi you magnificent bastard."
"Do you enjoying watching us suffer?" Sasuke hisses at Kisame.
"We all know the answer to that." Itachi's answers for Kisame, who's doubled over, unable to control his laughter.
"You can't answer this honestly, a fight will break out," Deidara says, grimacing as he is reminded of the time Sasori and Itachi filled this questionnaire out, ironically at this very dinner table, "Let me take a look at this," Deidara takes the piece of paper from Sakura, "Itachi sama and I will answer these for Sasuke and Naruto, and Kisame can answer for Chouji. Sakura can do her own."
"That's cheating." Chouji says between mouthfuls.
"And?" Itachi glares at the rotund teen, who shrugs. "You have your ice-cream, now get lost."
"I think it's a great idea." Sakura grabs her purse and bows respectfully. "We will all meet back here for the sleepover next week." That said, she walks out, her heels clicking loudly against the marble floor.
"I'm not leaving until I've had dinner." Chouji ignores Itachi's frosty glare and crosses his arms, the tub of ice-cream empty in front of him.
"I made…" Deidara doesn't get to finish. Chouji is already shuffling toward the fridge.
"Okay, let's see." Kisame grabs a copy of the paper. "What was Chouji's first sexual experience? He fell into a piece of cake, and got an erection."
"That's not true!" Chouji says, ironically cutting himself a piece of leftover cake from Sasuke's party.
"Naruto saw a bowl of ramen and they had a wonderful night together." Itachi says aloud.
"Hey!" Naruto says, in the middle of boiling water for his dinner ramen.
"Some girl offered Sasuke some of her coke and he stayed the night over." Deidara says.
"That's actually true." Sasuke groans, "God, how do you know that?"
"How was the morning after?" Kisame moves on to the next question, "Chouji woke up in the middle of the night to find the cake gone, so he robbed a bakery."
"Naruto made more ramen," Itachi shrugs and puts down.
"Sasuke and his girl ran out of coke, so they had to sleep with another girl, so she would share her coke with them." Deidara answers honestly.
"God," Sasuke shakes his head, "this is terrible."
"Have you ever had a threesome?" Kisame continues. "This one time, Chouji had a pie and some cake together."
"Naruto would never cheat on ramen." Itachi looks up from his paper to look at the blond, who's waiting for the ramen he's prepared to cool down with a loving look on his face.
"At one point in his life, Sasuke used to think having sex with less than three girls at the same time was super gay, so…" Deidara writes down thoughtfully.
"Stop it." Sasuke begs and runs out the kitchen, Naruto following him bowl and all.
"Cry baby," Kisame scoffs. "We haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet."
"I better start some coffee." Deidara moves around Chouji, who's resorted to eating salad.