"I will be back before you know it." Itachi promises Deidara who tries to look optimistic but fails. He isn't ready for Itachi to spend long hours at work just yet despite being in better health himself.
"What kind of a father are you?" Naruto makes a face at Itachi.
"Why aren't you ready for school yet?" Itachi raises an eyebrow at Naruto.
"I'm staying home with the babies." Naruto declares.
"No you aren't." Sasuke scoffs. "Dobe they are with their mother. They are fine."
"I am not leaving Deidara alone at home." Naruto says protectively. "Itachi isn't even staying home."
"I will be back in a few hours." Itachi promises. "Father has made a mess again."
"Go," Deidara makes a reassuring face, "We will be fine." He is feeling a lot better after constant rest and coddling by everyone. He can handle the babies.
"The hell we will be fine." Kisame makes an irritated sound. "How dare you leave Kisame Jr. and Jr.? You uncultured hog." His godsons need their imbecile father.
"Please tell me we are not naming the babies Kisame and Kisame." Sasuke begs Itachi.
"One stupid problem at a time." Itachi rubs his forehead. He has a migraine already. He knew he was going to have headache issues but because of the sharingan. Not his because his moronic family cannot behave.
"Thank god I caught you," Chouji comes running in the massive kitchen [which he can't help but admire because it's just as good as his family's if not better?].
"Do I know you?" Itachi makes a face at the Akimichi boy.
"I have food." Chouji offers the big basket in his hands.
Multiple choruses of thank god ring through the air.
"I haven't been doing much," Deidara makes a guilty face.
"And my cooking isn't good enough, apparently." Kisame tries to send everyone on a guilt trip.
"You are taking care of our children." Itachi turns to Deidara, and then to Kisame, "These sandwiches are disgusting," He holds up a piece of bread with jelly messily slapped on it.
"I do everything for you and you still don't appreciate me," Kisame snaps at Itachi who has a sudden urge to beat his best friend. "I am going to leave your ass."
"Let's talk." Chouji grabs Itachi by the elbow and leads him away from where people are shoveling his father's food in their faces.
"Could I get the recipe for this, un?" Deidara asks before Chouji leaves with Itachi.
"Not unless you marry into our family." Chouji tells the blond kindly. "I am hoping Ino will pick up some skills."
"Good luck," Sasuke scoffs. As the former Konoha heartthrob he is fully aware of what each girl can and cannot do. Ino cannot cook. Sakura cannot dress to coordinate. Karin has serious anger issues.
Sasuke is so glad he switched teams.
"Oooh," Kisame makes a saucy sound. "We like Ino do we?"
"Oh mind your own business," Chouji is fully aware of what Kisame can do with sensitive information. He is a notorious gossip.
"What do you want," Itachi does business with Chouji's father (well, with every rich family really) so he can't afford to throw the boy out on his plump bottom. Still, it's annoying because Itachi needs to get to work. Fugaku cannot be left unsupervised for long.
"Help me," Chouji begs, "Help me be like you."
"That could mean anything," Itachi checks his Rolex impatiently. "You seem self-actualized."
"I can't be happy until Shikamaru is happy." Chouji crosses his arms impatiently, as if Itachi is taking up his precious time.
"Would you like me to hypnotize him?" Itachi suggests.
"Whatever works." Chouji shrugs. He seems to be considering it. "If that's what it takes to get him to fall in love with Neji than so be it."
"It wouldn't be real love." Itachi sighs, "It will be sharingan induced madness at best. It would be unethical."
"How would you feel if Sasuke was still alone and sad?" Chouji gestures to where Sasuke is shamelessly eavesdropping on his conversation along with the rest of the group.
"That is an extreme example." Sasuke would be dead without Naruto. It's different. Itachi is touched by Chouji's concern for Shikamaru. "Your friend seems much better adjusted than Sasuke."
"Thank you," Sasuke calls out.
"Oh grow up," Chouji huffs at Sasuke. "Shikamaru goes on a lot of dates and I am worried about him."
"He's like a father," Kisame grins at Chouji's weary attitude.
"What do you want from me," Itachi has given up on being on time at this point.
"I want my Shikamaru to settle down and start a family," Chouji points at where Sasuke and Naruto are sitting close together. "Like that."
Itachi is speechless at the child's delusional, ignorant attitude. Neji is not a cursed Uchiha heir and Shikamaru is not a saucy uke ready for marking and breeding. It is a completely different case from Sasuke and Naruto, and Itachi will be damned if he gets involved in a case of unrequited love.
Kisame hands his baby to Deidara, who blinks at suddenly being allowed to hold both his kids at once because Kisame usually doesn't permit that, preferring to have at least one godson on him at all times. "You have the wrong man for the job."
"I do?" Chouji makes a face.
"I will manipulate Shikamaru into marrying Neji for you," Kisame shrugs. He will do anything for attention. A scary thought because Kisame is an intelligent man with access to a lot of resources [Itachi's bank account] and has potential to do a lot of damage.
Itachi takes this opportunity to disappear before attention can be on him again. He has enough things to do. The last thing he needs is a Hyuuga scandal on top of it all. If Kisame wants to get involved with the byakugan freak he can do so. He is a grown man (?)
"How will you do that?" Chouji gives Kisame a skeptical look.
"This is my harem," Kisame reminds Chouji, "Don't you want to be me?"
"I prefer steak to fish," Chouji mumbles as Kisame leads him into the kitchen, where everyone knows Chouji has always felt most at home.
"I feel like we should stop this, but this is good for Neji," Sasuke says as he starts to pull Naruto in the direction of the front door.
"This can't be legal," Naruto comments as Kisame starts to draw various schematics on a notebook involving kidnapping.
"I will keep an eye on them, un," Deidara promises as a baby grabs a bang of his hair in a possessive grip. They may not know where they are but the twins know who belongs to them and want to own all their immediate caregivers.
"And who will keep an eye on you?" Naruto crosses his arms, feeling very protective and worried about Deidara, who he considers his best friend and soul mate (Sasuke being his public best friend and soul mate).
"I'm here," Chouji has already called in late to school, claiming an episode of explosive diarrhea. The Konoha High's front office is used to Chouji's stomach issues and has not asked any questions. "Itachi and I are close. Why shouldn't I watch over his boyfriend?"
"Mate," Deidara corrects.
"You got married?" Chouji makes a surprised sound. "I wasn't invited?"
"You were," Deidara reminds Chouji, "You were six. You ate until you threw up, un."
Chouji is incredibly fond. "I am so happy for Itachi, he seems like a sweet guy."
"What is wrong with you?" Sasuke asks Chouji.
"I choose to see the good in people," Chouji scoffs at Sasuke, "Unlike your bitter ass."
"What is the emergency?" Itachi rushes in the office, ignoring the various office staff who either bow in reverence, or stiffen in fear.
"Hey," Shisui seems surprised to see Itachi. "What are you doing here?" He has been trying to cover for his cousin and he's exhausted. Itachi does a lot of work around here. Shisui has had to call in assistants to help him go over everything Itachi does.
"Father said there was an emergency." Itachi states. "What is it?"
"You should be with my nephews." Shisui huffs, "Not here in the mines. We can survive a few months without you. How is Deidara?"
"He is well," Itachi's worried look doesn't escape Shisui who leads his best friend into his office.
"Tell big brother all about it."
"He just had twins." Itachi leans against his desk, suddenly feeling incredibly tired, and aged beyond his years.
"Give mommy some time," Shisui doesn't make a move on Itachi, which he is thankful for because he couldn't handle it right now. "Give him a break. Don't let him do housework."
"I won't," Itachi feels insulted. What kind of husband does Shisui take him for? Itachi doesn't even want Deidara doing anything around the mansion, ever. If Deidara wants to play housewife because that's what society has decided in some kind of sick gender role for submissives then Itachi won't give his mate any distress which can be perceived as rejection.
"Just saying," Shisui says, his tone full of warning, "If you thought he was weak before, he is much worse now.
"I am aware," Itachi understands. He empathizes with Deidara's pain. He likes to think he is a good mate and doesn't like being treated like he's the little kid who used to follow Shisui around the main mansion.
"Don't get mad at big brother." Shisui places a kiss on Itachi's forehead which he fails to dodge in his exhausted state. It's worrying. "Let's get you down for a nap and back home to blondie." Childbirth has been hard on Deidara and Itachi. Both males need rest.
"I don't need a nap." Itachi starts to protest. Shisui used to tuck him in as a child because lets face it, Mikoto wasn't very useful as a parent in her severe depression.
"Don't make me spank you," Shisui threatens and Itachi complies because he's afraid Shisui might just go through with it.
Shisui produces a blanket from somewhere and Itachi finds himself on a couch, being covered in a darkened office. "I will wake you in an hour."
"Half an hour," Itachi says sternly.
"Yes baby," Shisui patronizes.
"Where is Chouji?" Ino wonders aloud.
Beside her, Shikamaru gives a sleepy shrug and adjusts himself so he can sleep more peacefully against the wall.
Neji has completely given up on being near Shikamaru and is beside Lee, listening to another youthful story about romance or diet or exercise.
"Hey," Sasuke grabs a lock of Neji's hair and pulls it. "Can we talk?"
"Watch it," Neji frowns but follows Sasuke out the door. "Don't touch my hair, Uchiha."
"Chouji is on it." Sasuke grins maniacally.
"A sandwich I am presuming." Neji says carelessly.
"That kid is going to run your life some day." Sasuke warns, "Don't underestimate him." Chouji basically acts like a bossy boss.
"Sasuke," Neji is tired of his best friend who is happily mated and doesn't seem to get Neji is going through something. "Give me a fucking break."
"How are you, as a fighter." Sasuke asks seriously. Because he can tell from Kisame's drawings that there is going to be a fake kidnapping.
"I think I do okay." Neji says, amused. "Why, you need a hand?"
Sasuke does pretty okay too. "Who can you fight?"
"No one?" Neji isn't a pacifist like Itachi but he doesn't care to waste his time.
"Your strength." Sasuke wonders who should kidnap Shikamaru. "How is it? On a scale of zero to Kakashi." Sasuke wants Neji to look good as he rescues Shikamaru. It's basically an Uchiha tradition to rescue a mate to show off and demonstrate one's strength. Why can't a Hyuuga do it?
Didn't Uchiha and Hyuuga descend from the same ancestors?
"I think I can handle the homeroom idiot." Neji scoffs.
"Right," Sasuke sighs. Neji's never seen Kakashi fight so he naturally underestimates Sasuke's obscenely trained godfather. Oh and the sharingan Obito left to him before he died from Rin's rejection. The story is legendary in the Uchiha family but even close family friends of the family don't know it.
"Don't worry about it." Neji shrugs as Temari and Ino both sit on Shikamaru's sides, glaring daggers at each other. "I don't need this."
"Neji, listen," Sasuke is about to give a kind, loving speech, but growls instead. "For fuck's sake."
"Excuse me?" Neji is left standing outside as Sasuke rushes back inside, ready to pound Sai to death.
"How disappointing is the sex you have with your husband?" Sai asks Naruto, who is mortified at the question.
"Not very?" Naruto is able to answer before Sasuke throws Sai on the floor and starts beating him senseless.
Gaara and Neji try to desperately pull the boys apart, while the rest of the room's occupants chant fight fight fight.
"Oh dear," Hinata says timidly. Beside her, Kiba grins wickedly and gets the whole thing on his phone.
Multiple phones are recording the ridiculous fight.
Kakashi comes running in and manages to tear the boys apart. "I am late one day and this happens."
"One day?" Sakura scoffs.
Sai's face is bloody. "Uchiha, you hit like a girl."
"Have you seen my mom hit?" Shikamaru is wide awake right now. His mother is basically the reason they don't have a home security system.
"You are dead," Sasuke promises.
"Only on the inside." Sai is a little sad he was aiming for Sasuke's stomach (internal bleeding is the best bleeding). He should have fucked that pretty face right up.
"I cannot with you," Kakashi smacks Sasuke right on the bottom, making onlookers gasp, "Bad god-baby."
"I am oddly aroused at this moment," Ino announces, "And I say this as a heterosexual female." Kakashi sensei should spank Sasuke some more. And then kiss him. Ino should probably not say that out loud.
"Same," Sai agrees with the pretty blond, making her smile prettily.
"Oh come on," Sasuke snarls as Ino and Sai giggle at each other like idiots. "You had to do this after we fucking beat the shit out of each other?"
"Language," Kakashi holds his hand up threateningly. He won't hesitate to spank Sasuke again! The only way to discipline his godson is homo-erotically.
"We should go get a drink." Sai suggests to Ino, who throws her long hair over her shoulder in a romantic display.
"It's eight am," Naruto finds his voice, and dares to interact with the budding lovers.
"Perfect time for an alcoholic beverage." Sai agrees.
"Go," Kakashi is clearly crying under his mask. "Someone should find true love at this school."
"You are married to a teacher you met at this school, sensei," multiple voices remind Kakashi.
"Hey," Chouji walks in casually, gaping at the crowd. "What's happening?"
"Sai is propositioning your girl." Sasuke informs Chouji.
"Hey man what's happening." Chouji gives Sai a scandalized look.
"I like blonds." Is Sai's emotionless answer, before he departs with Ino.
"That's fair," Chouji shrugs, and takes his usual seat. "What?" He says at the horrified looks. "She can't cook. What was I supposed to do with her?"
"Sensei," Lee is the voice of reason of all people, "Should you really just let two students leave like that?"
"Love is more important than any lesson you can learn in here," Kakashi says solemnly, "And the practice exam I am giving out." Which is identical to the actual exam but fuck if Konoha school board knows it.
The hand running through Itachi's hair feels good. But wrong. He sits up and stares at Izumi, blankly.
"What's the matter?" Izumi's face is blurry but Itachi doesn't bother activating his sharingan just yet because he doesn't have a headache right now and it's nice. "Do normal hands bother you now?"
"I like Deidara's hands." Itachi looks around from where he fell asleep on the couch in his office. "How long was I asleep?"
"Six hours."
Itachi huffs. "Shisui was supposed to wake me up." Deidara must be worried sick.
"Your cousin watches over you like a guard dog." Izumi observes out loud. "It's cute." Fugaku distracted Shisui and led him away with a false emergency.
"He loves me." Itachi could have said like a brother but that would be wrong. The truth is, Shisui has a mate at home but he considers Itachi some kind of boyfriend. It's weird.
"I can understand the sentiment." Izumi's hand is on Itachi's thigh.
"What are you doing?" Itachi's tone is amused.
"Your mother thinks we should try again." Izumi says simply.
"And you?" Itachi doesn't bother slapping the hand away. He hopes the iciness in his tone do that for him.
"I have always loved you," Izumi confesses, "And you loved me."
"I care for you," Itachi confesses.
"But the blond freak came along," Izumi sighs, "And our relationship died."
"I love my mate." Itachi says easily. "And you deserve someone who puts you first." The universe has made a choice for him and Itachi respects that choice. Deidara is perfect in every way.
"I would rather be your second than be anyone's first." Izumi says, "And something tells me this uke fetish of yours has gone on long enough."
"Have you ever had a uke?" Itachi smirks. "They are kind of addicting."
"You need me." Izumi presses on. "Admit it."
"I need you to be happy." Itachi says tonelessly. "I can't make you happy." In another world Izumi would have made him a good wife. This is not that world.
"I can't let you waste your life with Deidara." Izumi says with her head bowed, as Itachi stands and stretches. He realizes that there was no emergency from father, just a ploy from mother to get him alone with Izumi.
"I am tired, Izumi." Itachi confesses. He can't even take two steps without having to activate his sharingan, so he can see. Itachi is not young anymore, at least not by Uchiha standards. He's managed to mate and reproduce against all odds. He's going to enjoy it until whatever fate the Uchiha gods have planned comes knocking.
"I used to be so important to you," Izumi states as Itachi grabs his coat and scarf. It's cold outside. "What happened?"
"There are other people involved." Itachi wishes he could go back in time and take back those few dates he had with her. He was alone and desperate. Shisui had just found his mate and Sasuke had started to withdraw from Itachi emotionally. Kisame was nowhere on scene and Deidara didn't exist. "They need me more than you do." Izumi is fortunate to be free of the curse. Itachi envies her in a way. There is no death following her around if she doesn't follow the rules.
Izumi can have anyone and be anyone. She gets to choose her mate. Her personality isn't decided by DNA, or the patterns in her eyes, at least not to the extent Itachi's is.
Itachi might just hate Izumi.
"Goodnight." Izumi calls out after Itachi's shadowy figure.
"Well?" Mikoto's figure appears after her son has long departed lest he see her. "What happened?"
"I think there's hope." Izumi informs the older woman, who laughs in delight. "He's stuck in obligation."
"That's my Itachi," Mikoto sighs, "He's all about rules and respect. That Deidara doesn't deserve him."
"That we agree on." Izumi's sharingan burns in the darkness of the massive office.
"Where were you?" Deidara pouts sleepily when his husband crawls in behind him. "I was so worried."
"Held up at the office." Itachi wraps himself around Deidara. "Surprised Naruto isn't in here with you."
"He helped tuck the babies in, un." Deidara smiles, giggling when a kiss is placed in his hair. "What did your father do?"
"Nothing." Itachi responds honestly. "I got a strange text from Chouji."
"You get texts from Chouji?" Deidara asks.
"He asked me to kidnap Shikamaru but I have to be gentle about it."
Deidara's answering laugh is so loud it echoes throughout the mansion. Moments later, twin sounds of crying babies can be heard through the baby monitor.
"I got it," Itachi places a soft kiss on petal lips, "Sleep tight."
"But you just got back, un." Deidara mewls. He would have protested more, but he's already fallen asleep.
When Itachi gets to his children's room, Naruto is already there, chastising the children for screaming at him.
"Go to bed." Itachi rolls his eyes when he's scolded for being out of bed so late.
"Aww what's wrong with you?" Naruto holds a baby up and kisses crying cheeks. "Why are you mad at me?"
"His ears are very sensitive." Is Itachi's cryptic answer.
"And where were you all day, mister?" Naruto glares daggers at Itachi, who sits down in a distressingly plush chair. "We were all so worried about you."
"Mother tried to set me up on a date."
"Jesus." Naruto makes a face. "What is wrong with her?"
"I don't know." Itachi tilts his head to the side just like Sasuke, making Naruto smile lovingly despite himself. "She used to be happy."
"But you're happy with Deidara." Naruto snaps out of it and sits down adjacent to Itachi. "Why would she want to mess with that?"
"Marrying my father wasn't good for her," Itachi narrows his eyes at his son, who narrows his own eyes. Father and son are mirrors of each other. "She thinks the curse hurts people and wants to give me a second choice and a second mate."
"Is she right?" Naruto says after a few thoughtful moments, the child in his arms back to sleep.
"Depends on the couple." Itachi guesses. "In her case I don't think they should have been together."
"But then how would you and Sasuke bastard be born?" Naruto hisses and apologizes immediately because the baby in Itachi's arms is awake and kicking his legs up aimlessly. "Sorry." He really needs to watch his language around the boys.
"It's too complicated for just a simple yes or no answer." Itachi says. "She's hurt and wants to save her sons. Fugaku put her through a lot."
"Whatever," Naruto mutters and places one last kiss on his sleeping baby before putting him down. "We need names for these guys."
"Not ramen."
Naruto sticks his tongue out and leaves Itachi alone with his still awake child and his even more restless thoughts.
A/N: Thank you for the reviews. You guys are great. Do we care if characters die?