"Sweetie do you mind just watching over the steaks for a while so the men can talk business?" Kisame orders his best friend.
Itachi takes a deep breath but complies. It's either this or actually helping with the kidnapping. Itachi does not want to kidnap the Nara boy. He's a father now. He doesn't do that type of shit anymore.
Being an Uchiha is worse than being a gang member with all of the illegal shit that comes with it but Itachi is trying hard to steer clear of that nonsense and be an upstanding citizen. Unless Sasuke is involved. Itachi will massacre someone bloody for his baby boy.
"Aww, look at daddy make lunch for everyone, un." Deidara kisses Minku's chubby cheek.
The baby coos back, as if understanding completely what his mother has said.
"Ugh," Naruto makes an annoyed sound, "Why won't Bani say my name?"
"He is too young." Deidara says helpfully.
"Grow up." Naruto sneers at Bani, who lets out a delighted sound. He loves it when pseudo-mommy yells at him. Main mommy is too nice.
"He's an Uchiha baby, he won't respond like a normal person, un." Deidara can tell Naruto is having difficulty because he hasn't been around this family so much.
"Fine," Naruto can tell he needs to manipulate these kids. "Bani, stay quiet."
The child starts blabbering immediately.
"It's a clear psychological tactic." Itachi shakes his head when his son falls into Naruto's trap.
"Let the women and children tend to food." Kisame gestures to where Itachi is preparing food as he watches over the submissives who watch over the children. "We have business to discuss."
"There are no women here," Neji is uncomfortable. There are too many pretty boys present. He might not be attracted to these characters but he isn't blind. The rumors weren't wrong. There is some kind of harem forming here.
Neji has a strong suspicion he might just end up in a harem someday because he is a very pretty boy himself. He is trying to avoid that and be a normal neutral couple like Kakashi and Iruka sensei. God help them those two delays are the template for normality.
"What are your intentions toward my Shikamaru?" Chouji has an intelligent expression on his face which no one thought him capable of. "Are you going to marry him?"
"I have been in love with him since third grade." Neji finds himself saying and is shocked at his own response. He honestly didn't think it had been that long.
"How alluring?" Chouji is noticing the expertise with which Itachi flips the steaks on barbeque. He looks amazing in the black apron he has donned.
"He's my husband, un." Deidara calls out because Chouji has been staring quite intensely.
"Right," Chouji snaps out of his daze. "Sorry."
"Seriously?" Kisame scoffs. "That does it for you?" Itachi looks like a serial killer at best and a has-been model at worst. All those work hours away from Deidara and worrying about Sasuke have not been kind to his friend. The once perfect face is marred with wrinkles and dark circles.
"A pretty face in an apron?" Chouji lets out a sad sound. "Yes. It does."
Itachi shudders from where he has heard it all. Naruto gives him curious looks.
"Maybe we should be looking for a girlfriend for you." Neji suggests. Chouji's breakup with Ino is quite a scandal. It is literally all Konoha talks about nowadays. Konoha Food Magazine is going insane. Everything Chouji does and does not do has a effect on the foodie community.
"No," Chouji has to fight to not go to Itachi and flirt. Behind that sweet angel face and those disturbingly skilled hands is nothing but emptiness. At least that's what Chouji's dad says anyway.
Father knows all. He taught Chouji how to barbeque.
Its common knowledge that something is wrong with the Uchiha family. What that something is, nobody knows, save for maybe close family friends like Kakashi or Neji, who is watching Sasuke with concern which to a stranger comes off as scrutiny.
"Stay away from my brother, Chouji." Sasuke is lying on grass. He has a mate. He is starting university this fall. He is complete. He can simply lay back and watch the clouds go by.
"Tell your brother to stop parading around like a harlot." Chouji's mouth salivates. Where real instruction is lacking, Itachi's sharingan makes up for it. He has simply skimmed a cook book and made what seems to be a mouth watering delicacy.
"Oh jeez have some shame." Naruto notices Chouji's lustful gaze toward his brother-in-law and throws a loaf of bread at his classmate, making Bani shriek with joy. Angry mommy has attacked someone! How delightful.
"Can you not have these meetings at my house?" Itachi is beyond disturbed by the meticulous planning going on just a few feet away. "I would like not to be implicated."
"Your father is the police force." Chouji scoffs. "If anything you should be helping us plan this."
"I am a model citizen," Itachi says blankly, as if the soul has left his body. "I uphold all morals and laws."
"Did anyone buy that?" Kisame asks everyone present.
A chorus of no rings through the air.
"I really think I should be the one kidnapping Shikamaru," Sasuke volunteers. He has always wanted to abduct someone and the slow, lazy Nara is perfect. As an Uchiha he has criminal instincts and now that he has mated he would like to go back to acting like a burden on society.
"No kidnapping." Naruto says sternly.
Sasuke makes an irritated sound.
Kisame makes a whipped sound, along with the hand gesture that comes with it.
"You know," Sasuke sneers, "Your brothers keep calling around here, Kisame." Sasuke wasn't going to say anything but Kisame and his carefree attitude. Let's screw up his life a little.
"Brothers?" Naruto's shriek is loud. Bani and Minku shriek in response, but in a more delighted manner.
"Please tell me you didn't tell Zabuza where I was." Kisame whimpers a little, and Naruto looks ready to hyperventilate.
"Kisame you have to reach out to your family," Itachi sighs, "You stand to inherit a considerable amount of money from them."
"Jesus I thought he was homeless and just wandered in here," Naruto turns to Deidara for answers.
"Kisame comes from a mysterious place called the Mist, un," Deidara explains kindly because Naruto looks traumatized at the idea of Kisame having an actual family. "He has many brothers."
"They are meddling a-holes is what they are." Kisame shudders. "Zabuza is the worst."
"Would you like me to call Raiga instead?" Itachi asks politely.
"I would love to see Zabuza," Kisame makes a pained sound at the mere sound of Raiga's name. "I miss my brother so much, it hurts me physically."
"I am dying help me," Naruto wails. He needs to know what Kisame's origin story is. Right now. Before he hands Bani back to his mother and throws himself off a roof.
"Kisame is from a very well off family." Itachi explains patiently. Naruto is like the mentally challenged child he never wanted but needs. "They want to arrange his marriage."
"Maybe Zabuza and I can exchange notes then." Chouji huffs. He is also having trouble arranging Shikamaru's marriage!
"Oh please," Kisame pouts miserably. "Go make Zabuza kidnap your Shikamaru."
"I shouldn't say this," Itachi sighs miserably. "Zabuza would be better at this kidnapping nonsense."
Kisame overturns the table he is sitting at with Neji and Chouji, making his godsons howl with joy. "Zabuza is an assassin not a kidnapper and you know it Itachi. Just say you don't love me you fake whore." That said, he storms into the mansion, leaving a gaping group of people staring after him. "Stop gawking at my buttocks." He sneers as he walks away.
"I am going." Itachi takes his apron off, or tries. Chouji is distressingly fast and in his personal space.
"Leave it on, Itachi san." Chouji is terrifyingly seductive. "Keep flipping the steaks."
"I have pictures of you which you do not want your father seeing." Itachi says calmly.
"Stay cool." Chouji backs off Itachi who is allowed to walk away. "We are all friends here."
"It's food porn isn't it?" Neji makes a disgusted face at Chouji. "Forget it, don't say anything. I don't want to know."
"Why do you hate your brothers so much?" Itachi is forced to chase after his best friend.
"I want them dead." Kisame unveils samehada from where he keeps it in his closet. "Do you not want Sasuke dead?"
"Kisame did you miss the part where I have been trying to keep him alive all these years?"
"Oh," Kisame shrugs, "I thought you were saving him for yourself. Like a personal vendetta kind of thing. I know I will kill all my brothers."
"Why?" Itachi is almost afraid to ask.
"They keep feeding false reports to mummy and now I am not even welcome home no more." Kisame waves samehada around carelessly.
"Kisame do you even want a mate?"
"I am too young." Kisame explains. "Zabuza has a uke fetish. I am in love with my psychotic best friend."
"I have a uke fetish." Itachi narrows his eyes. "Did you tell your family I'm your intended." There have been rumors flying around that there is an affair going on between Itachi and his best friend. Itachi has been casually trying to pinpoint the source.
"I thought it would stop them from planning my marriage." Kisame pouts as Itachi activates his mangekyou sharingan. "It just made them plan my marriage even harder because you are a criminal degenerate and I'm just an innocent baby boy who deserves better."
"You are a dead man." Itachi has never been this angry before. Which is something because the last time he had to activate his more severe form of sharingan, Sasori had just attacked him.
"No I love you more." Kisame aims samehada at Itachi which he easily dodges. He sighs when his right ankle burns with excruciating pain. "You are such a drama whore. Is being my fiancé so bad?"
"When your brothers are involved? Sure." Itachi is deeply annoyed when Kisame jumps off the roof and dodges another wave of amaterasu.
"I'm dying." Naruto whines pathetically when Kisame jumps off the second terrace and makes a run for the main road with what seems to be black flames consuming his right leg.
"Jeez." Neji makes a startled sound when Itachi jumps off the roof and makes a run after his best friend. "I don't want those two involved with the kidnapping." He wants Shikamaru scared into loving him not rendered invalid from extreme mental trauma. Neji is looking for a functional mate.
"Aww is daddy being silly?" Deidara holds up Minku who is watching his father with rapt attention along with his twin.
"Should I like, call someone?" Sasuke looks on with interest. It's rare to see his brother get all playful.
"Let's wait half an hour, un." Even Deidara is starting to feel concern for his husband. Last time Itachi got this out of control the demon got loose. It was barely noticeable save for subtle changes, the demon had done quite a lot of damage. The family business had almost been sunk for the demon's amusement. The stocks had plummeted. Manual operation is usually very noticeable, but the more intelligent the individual, the more sophisticated the demon. Itachi had been possessed for months when Deidara and Kisame had worked it out amongst themselves that something was not quite right.
"You know what," Chouji, who is busy plating the steaks, shakes his head. "Not interested."
"Oh that doesn't do it for you?" Neji says sarcastically as Itachi appears to try and literally set his best friend on hellfire, which said best friend giggles off.
"How bad can an arrange marriage be?" Naruto says innocently. His marriage is planned by fate and quite possibly his favourite thing in the world.
"Why don't you ask my parents." Sasuke suggests.
"Your parents are gross." Is Naruto's honest reply.
"Boys, lunch is ready," Chouji calls out in a manner most matronly.
Kisame takes advantage of Itachi's waning stamina and grabs him around the waist, "Let's go princess."
"Kisame you call your brothers and tell them we are just friends." Itachi is exhausted from just a few attacks. He worries about his family sometimes. Thank god Sasuke can fight.
"Hold that thought," Kisame produces his phone and takes a smoldering picture of himself with his arms locked tight around Itachi's waist titled main bitch.
"Oh Jesus." Sasuke's phone chimes along with several others present.
"They are in love," Deidara shrugs at the picture. "There's no denying it, un."
"I will end you," Itachi manages to say before collapsing in Kisame's arms completely. It's worrying how easily tired he has gotten.
"The family is worried about you." Zabuza admits from where he is seated with Haku, his submissive, kneeling beside him on the floor. "Can you explain yourself?"
"I am doing just fine you back stabbing cunt." Kisame says sweetly. "Congrats on the wedding. Thanks for the invite."
"What kind of a submissive are you?" Zabuza glowers at Itachi who frowns in response. "Kneel before your husband." With delicate features and a deactivated sharingan Itachi looks to be perfect wife material. After using mangekyou for even a few minutes, Itachi has a crippling headache and of course there's the fear that his demon will take his body out for a joy ride.
"Yeah, kneel." Kisame snaps. "I won't have any disobedience."
"I am not a submissive." Itachi responds. "We have met on several occasions, Zabuza." It's obvious Kisame's bad attitude is shared amongst family members.
"Oh my, you are beautiful like a uke," Haku says to Itachi, and then blushes, immediately apologizing for having spoken without his husband's permission.
"I'm not going to mate with an ugly person." It is clear Kisame will do anything to dodge this arranged marriage.
"Why do you put up with this?" Zabuza asks Itachi.
"Would you rather he stay with you?" Itachi asks Zabuza, who shudders violently at the very thought.
"I will leave you," Haku forgets all manners and threatens Zabuza. "I swear on every deity I will leave you and never come back if Kisame comes anywhere near our home."
"I understand." Zabuza makes a face underneath his mask. Kisame is kind of the black sheep of the family. He doesn't assassinate, he doesn't spy on rival organizations. He is a pretty boy youngster getting by on his looks. It's disgusting frankly.
"Leave Kisame to me," Itachi tries to reason with Zabuza. "I will care for him."
"Is that how it works around here?" Zabuza crosses his arms in a manner most annoyed. "You take in dependents and they never venture out on their own?" He gestures to Sasuke.
"Cold." Sasuke was warned about Zabuza by his godfather. The two were PhD candidates together and things got quite nasty when a certain genius got picked and Zabuza did not.
"How is the nasty slut?" Zabuza makes a hateful sound. "Still getting by on his looks?"
"No one has literally seen either one of your faces." Sasuke responds. Kakashi uses money and influence but never his looks because well, anxiety and crippling fear of rejection.
"I saw you." Haku says to his mate, warmly. "I saw the real you." He says to Zabuza.
Kisame makes a gagging sound. This is worst then when he walked in on his parents fornicating. Come to think of it, that's when his mental issues started.
"What would you have me do." Itachi understands a concerned sibling when he sees one. God knows he is constantly worried about his Sasuke. "Tell me what to do."
"Kisame has to go on a date." Zabuza orders. "I want baby sharks. I am not getting any younger."
"I feel sick." Sasuke declares, a nauseated feeling taking over him.
"No uke." Kisame announces loud and clear. "No offence." He tells Haku.
"I speak for all of us," Haku says confidently, "Stay away from us you nasty fish."
"We need you to kidnap someone." Sasuke follows Zabuza and Haku outside. "He won't go out with my friend."
"I am an assassin," Zabuza says gruffly. "Not a matchmaker."
"Aww," Haku sighs at Sasuke, "Help him, it's for love."
"You are lucky I am compelled to do whatever Haku says." Zabuza produces a disposable cellphone and throws it at Sasuke. "What's the name?"
"He's from the Nara family."
"Why use me then? Get him during one of his many, many naps." Zabuza suggests.
"Scare him, rough him up. Let Neji look good when he defeats you and rescues Shikamaru."
"Why not get that cheap hoe Kakashi do this. He will do anything for cash that nasty slut."
Sasuke is surprised at the hate in Zabuza's tone. "Please state your price."
"On the house." Zabuza shrugs, "Please don't let my baby brother end up with your older brother." Zabuza is worried about the rumors flying around like crazy.
"They are like brothers." Sasuke promises. "Itachi likes them pretty."
"Exactly," Zabuza makes a tired sound, "I knew Kisame's princess looks would get him in some kind of sex fetish relationship."
"…" Sasuke is rendered completely speechless as Haku places a comforting hand on his husband's shoulder and leads him away.
A/N: Thank you for all the reviews follows and faves. You are amazing. I appreciate it.
The reasons for names are as follows.
Bani means bunny in Japanese right? And Minku means Mink in Japanese? [according to google translate anyway]. Itachi is a weasel. Which is a rodent? Bunnies are kind of rodents? Minks are rodents.
I am not Japanese. Please have mercy. Also this is a crack fanfiction written for entertainment purposes.
Edit: I have been informed by kind reviewers that the aforementioned animals are not rodents and Bani might not mean Bunny. It sounds cute so I am leaving it. God I hope it doesn't mean Penis or something. Imagine that. Penis Uchiha.
I do not speak Japanese at all. Google translate has failed me.