"I am going to the hospital." Naruto declares after school.
"What? Why?" As far as Sasuke is concerned Naruto is in excellent health and smells amazing. "Don't tell me it's the ramen incident." Naruto had run from the cafeteria screaming when he couldn't stomach his beloved ramen at lunch today.
"Yes it's the ramen incident." Naruto snaps. "Ass. It's serious. I'm dying."
"Have fun." Sasuke turns to Itachi who shrugs. Kisame is home preparing for the date as per Zabuza's price for kidnapping Shikamaru. Which is going down today and Sasuke doesn't intend to miss it because Naruto has decided stupid ramen warrants an emergency.
"You should go with me." Naruto pouts.
"You really should, Sasuke," Itachi warns and is ignored.
"I am going to make sure Neji and Shikamaru are together and then you can have all the attention you want. Now be a good boy for Itachi."
Most dominants wouldn't dare leave their mates alone with another but as far as Sasuke is concerned Naruto is safer with Itachi then he is with Sasuke himself and if Itachi does something to Naruto sexually then Sasuke goes after Deidara and it's a win win situation.
Not that Sasuke would ever say that out loud that would be suicidal. Unless Itachi says it. Then Sasuke is one hundred percent in for anything.
"I won't," Naruto doesn't notice the lustful look on Sasuke's face. Itachi can smell Sasuke's lust, and wrinkles his nose. "I will be a bad boy."
"Good Naruto." Sasuke praises his mate and kisses him deeply, "Be a bad boy for Itachi."
"What is wrong with you?" Itachi knows Sasuke inside out at this point and knows exactly what goes on in that sick mind. Now that Sasuke is back to his former, degenerate self, (what would be considered healthy for Sasuke anyway), he is obviously thinking foursome.
"What?" Sasuke says innocently, "I'm not thinking anything. What the hell is aniki thinking?"
"Get lost, before I run you over," Itachi makes a face when Sasuke's classmates giggle at the nice car he has decided to drive to Konoha High today. They would be scandalized to know he can barely see without the sharingan and their sexual gestures are unnoticed.
"For the love of god, turn the demon eyes on," Naruto screeches when Itachi almost backs over Chouji, who is too busy fellating a hot dog to notice.
"Shut up I don't need them," Itachi squints. "Fine I do," He activates his sharingan and sighs, "Please tell me that was not a child, I just ran over."
"It was a fucking one way sign."
"Don't tell Deidara." Itachi shakes his head at Naruto's whimpering. "It was a parking lot, you weren't in danger."
"Other people were you freak. This is a nice car."
"Thank you, it's father's. He bought it for his mid life crisis."
"Tsunade sama has decided to let this one slide," A blushing student doctor tells Naruto and Itachi when they arrive at the hospital, "It doesn't warrant her attention."
The Uchiha family is important enough for Tsunade to attend all cases but Naruto's ramen obsession has officially gotten out of hand and an ER visit is not necessary for Tsunade to abandon her city counsel meeting and drive all the way across town to handle another brat tantrum. She will deliver another unnecessary freak sharingan birth when the time comes god willing.
"I am dying," Naruto informs the young doctor, "She needs to know."
"It's serious," Itachi shrugs. He's on paternity leave.
"What are your symptoms?" The resident asks.
"I couldn't have ramen." Naruto states.
"Uh," The doctor in training turns to Itachi who has crossed his arms and is observing silently. "Is that code for some sexual practice between you two?"
"Oh god no," Naruto blushes a deep red. "Itachi is ugly I would never sleep with him." He looks like Sasuke but older. Naruto would never admit to any attraction. It's forbidden.
"Don't speak to your husband like that, there are laws against that," The doctor warns Naruto. She is a beta, but she can smell Itachi (Sasuke) on Naruto and this is obviously a case of a husband/wife argument.
"Yes Naruto," Itachi smirks, "Respect me, your husband."
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last person on earth." Naruto hisses at Itachi, whose smirk widens.
"There is a limit. Good to know."
"Bastard."
The doctor gasps. "You are very disrespectful!" She informs Naruto. "Apologize to your husband!"
"Yes, Naruto," Itachi says, enjoying himself deeply, "Please apologize to me, your husband." Sasuke belongs to Itachi, and everything which belongs to Sasuke belongs to Itachi, so Naruto belongs to Itachi. It's simple math.
"I am sorry, ass."
"Okay, time out." The young woman is scandalized beyond belief. "No wonder you are having relationship problems, you don't respect your husband." Society expects uke to be very submissive to their seme and will turn on them if they don't uphold those values.
"Yes," Itachi nods, "He does not respect me. He hides my laptop. He makes fun of my face."
"It's ugly." Naruto keeps at it, furious. "Wrinkles!"
"You are not ugly," The doctor blushes, Itachi has his sharingan deactivated again because of his migraine, and can't see her because well blind. "You are so handsome." He really is right now, almost angelic. All calm and happy. Delicate features all pleasant and serene. Why hasn't she seen this beautiful person around before? Because she's always studying that's why.
"He's married," Naruto says heatedly.
"And unappreciated." The doctor says, "If you won't love him someone else will." Someone like a young medical student who is intelligent and can appreciate a good man? "You don't need to put up with this abuse," She gestures to Naruto who is literally sticking his tongue out at Itachi.
"I don't." Itachi says forlornly.
"I am here," Shizune runs in, "Oh god," She coos at Naruto whose face is red, "What happened to your ramen."
"I can't eat it," Naruto is in tears. "I am going to kill myself. Ramen is all I have."
"Shizune san," the doctor straightens. "I was just.."
"Asking me out," Itachi says agreeably, "What time should we meet? For our date?" He plans on bringing Deidara.
"What?" Shizune is friends with Deidara and the two regularly talk. "Are you mad?" She turns to the trembling doctor, who depends on Shizune for evaluations to make it through this clinical round. "His wife will kill you." Maim. Disfigure.
"Uh," The student doctor turns to Naruto who is whimpering and muttering about ramen. "I don't think so. The relationship is failing."
"It really is," Itachi says sadly.
"Stop it, psycho," Shizune rolls her eyes at Itachi who loves to instigate. "What's wrong with Naruto princess?"
"Ramen!" Naruto shrieks.
"Aww let's get your blood taken." Shizune loves it when Naruto has food poisoning. It's hilarious. "See what you took."
"He's pregnant." Itachi informs Shizune when Naruto is taken to the blood lab by bored orderlies who are used to this idiot and his food poisoning incidents.
"Oh," Shizune raises an eyebrow. "You were planning on saying anything or…"
"I like watching him operate in day to day life." Itachi uses the word watching loosely because he is legally blind. "He is comical."
"Want to get an MRI?" Shizune orders some tests for the hell of it because she has Itachi here and there has to be something wrong with him too. She would bet her left tit on it.
Itachi shrugs. If they discover a tumor there is more of an excuse to stay home. "Can you give me a fatal diagnosis so I can get an extended work leave?" He likes staying home with Deidara. He doesn't think he has it in him to leave his mate and baby rodents and go back. It would actually kill him.
Now that Naruto's pregnant Itachi thinks his presence is required at home more than ever. Time to fake a disease or his death. Whatever works.
"For the right price, I can give you any disease you want." Shizune could lose her license for that but this is an Uchiha and her bank account is distressingly empty because medical school is not cheap, even with Tsunade sama's help.
"Something sexy," Itachi follows Shizune. "Lots of coughing. Blood probably."
"You got it sugar daddy."
"Don't take my blood you don't have my consent." Naruto makes a pained face.
"Yes you do," Itachi is back from his rendezvous with Shizune. "Take all of it."
"What's this test for," Naruto is mortified when he's forced to urinate in a cup.
"You will have to drink it soon."
"You are a cunt." Naruto screams much to the horror of the staff and Itachi's delight, "You are a bleeding cunt."
"Oh my, are you sure you want to have a baby with him?" Itachi is asked when Naruto is distracted by something (a nurse's lunch, consisting of noodles, possibly ramen).
"The heart wants what it wants." Itachi remarks when Naruto storms after said nurse and is returned to Itachi's custody.
"I want ramen."
"No ramen," Itachi is informed sternly, "Healthy foods only, folic acid. Supplements. Proper bedtime." Shizune has a list in her hands. "And no rough sex."
"Jeez," Naruto has no idea, "What the fuck did you do?" He says to Itachi.
"This is not Deidara," Shizune ignores Naruto's attempts to look at the chart, because he needs a proper talking to, possibly the sex talk as well. "He is much younger and needs proper care. I am serious. He needs more rest. If you need to fornicate then be gentle. Missionary only."
"Fine," Itachi wrinkles his nose. How is he supposed to tell Sasuke all this? This had to happen on the day of Neji and Shikamaru's first kidnap date?
"No rough sex!" Shizune knows Itachi and Deidara were encouraged to do whatever, but their relationship is different, Naruto and Sasuke are younger and there is a higher risk of miscarriage.
"Jeez." Naruto makes a face. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Itachi, Syphilis? Don't give it to Deidara."
"And you," Shizune's face is ominous, "No more ramen!"
"What?" Naruto's expression crumbles.
"Homemade is fine but that packet stuff has to stop! Only good restaurants!"
"Oh god what have I done to deserve this?" Naruto falls to his knees, sobbing hysterically.
"Fix this," Shizune snaps at Itachi who makes a face, "Stop this," She gestures to Naruto who is in a fetal position. "This isn't good for the baby!"
"You are lucky I can't see you." Itachi threatens the woman, who makes a thoughtful sound.
"Maybe that should factor into your illness?"
"Maybe." Itachi nods, "It really should. I would like to bleed a lot."
"Oh god make it stop."
Itachi grabs Naruto's left ear. "Stop it or I will drive you to my mother's house and leave you there," He hisses.
Naruto immediately stops crying.
"Come," Itachi grabs Naruto's elbow, more for visual guidance then for anything else. "We should probably go home now."
"Deidara can make me ramen."
"Only if I let him," Itachi threatens, "He can also steam vegetables."
"I will be a good boy."
"Oh what a good mate you are," Naruto is complimented as he leads Itachi through the hospital, "Helping your blind husband."
Maybe I can push him down the stairs. Naruto thinks darkly.
"Don't even think about it."
"Oh where were you I was so worried!" Deidara immediately takes Naruto into his arms.
"Please don't let him drive anymore." Naruto makes a terrified face as Itachi looks around confused. Is this really their house?
"I drive just fine." Itachi can see excellently when he has the sharingan on, he just likes to keep it off during parking lots and red lights and the drive through, Naruto wanted that smoothie not him. Who is Itachi to deny his pregnant brother-in-law anything?
"What did the doctor say?" Deidara is super worried. What if Naruto is dying? Then Sasuke dies and Itachi dies and Deidara dies and the children grow up with their retarded grandparents.
"It's a ramen allergy." Naruto says mournfully, "From those little packets. I can't have any."
"He is pregnant." Itachi mouths. He doesn't want to tell Naruto because he hates him.
Deidara's beautiful face gets a scary, obsessive smile. "What, really?"
"Yes," Itachi wanders around, looking for the stairs and tripping over the stairs. "He is."
"Oh my god," Deidara squeals, quietly because he just put his children to sleep and he doesn't care to deal with that without Kisame around to help. "Oh my god that is the best news I have ever heard, un."
Naruto feels so betrayed by this universe. "That's it," He moves at lightening speed and pushes Itachi forward on the stairs.
"Oh my," Deidara scratches his head as Itachi not only doesn't fall, he cushions Naruto's fall who was about to hit his head himself. "How stupid." He has to call this like it is. He guesses it can be called pregnancy brain but Naruto has never been quite sane.
"You aren't blind." Naruto accuse Itachi who shrugs.
"My other senses are better for it." Itachi gives Deidara a desolate look, "We need to give Naruto the talk."
"We should, un." Deidara nods solemnly. "It's time."
"What talk?" Naruto is manhandled to a couch, "We aren't allowed to sit on the good furniture."
"Kisame isn't here." Itachi says. "He's on a date."
They all collectively shudder.
"When two very attractive people make unprotected love," Deidara starts, although he is probably not qualified to give this talk himself, "they have a baby."
"I want ramen." Naruto crosses his arms defensively. He doesn't want sexy parents ganging up on him.
"You are pregnant." Itachi says slowly.
Naruto is in shock. "But the ramen…"
"You have been throwing up food because of morning sickness," Itachi says, slowly because Naruto is a slow, delayed child and needs slow explanations for most things. "You only noticed ramen because you love it."
"No," Naruto tears up. "It can't be true."
"I can make you ramen whenever you want, un." Deidara promises.
"It's healthy," Naruto is happy because he wants Sasuke's baby but ramen, and it's not even that big of a deal but he's so emotional and he wants Sasuke now please.
"I will fry up some things and put them in?" Deidara could punch a wall, Naruto is so cute and sexy when he's pregnant!
"Okay," Naruto sniffles. He doesn't even care that much anymore. Maybe the baby is more important than ramen.
"Come here," Deidara opens up his arms and when Naruto is on his lap, he fights the urge to squeeze the smaller blond because he is pregnant and the baby deserves some gentle care, "You have to be a good boy now, no more picking on Itachi sama, now it's about setting an example, un."
"He bullies me," Itachi complains. "I never see him coming."
"Okay," Naruto is so sad, he misses Sasuke so much, "When will the other bastard be home?"
"Your husband is an accessory in a kidnapping," Itachi says sternly, "Be proud."
"They should have abducted Shikamaru by now," Deidara's tone would suggest as if discussing the weather. "He's not that hard to grab, I could have done it, un." He is kind of miffed he wasn't even considered.
"We are parents, we shouldn't be involved," Itachi reminds Deidara. Also Deidara has a flare for attention and would have caused a national incident. The Nara are a mid sized family but Shikamaru's mother is a problem and she will track Deidara down and beat them all up. A professional (even if from Kisame's family member) is required.
"I want Sasuke." Naruto is feeling lonely without his favourite person in the world. Well, right now anyway. "Bring me Sasuke."
"You don't need him you have me," Deidara places a kiss on Naruto's neck. Somehow he's more attractive when pregnant, "You don't need anyone else, un."
"Only missionary," Itachi informs his mate, in case Deidara decides to actually go through with all the things he keeps threatening to do to Naruto. "Doctor's orders."
"Oh, Sasuke will not like that," Deidara says solemnly. How did Naruto get pregnant in the first place? On all fours.
"No he won't," Itachi knows his degenerate brother.
"Guess what," Sasuke storms in his room to find Naruto swaddled in blankets all by himself, pouting at all the ramen packets he keeps hidden around the room, which is fucking many.
"What?" Naruto refuses to admit his heart leapt for joy at seeing bastard. He absolutely refuses.
"Shikamaru slept through the kidnapping." Sasuke snaps, removing his coat and dumping it in the closet.
"Good?" Naruto won't throw himself at Sasuke. He won't be needy. So what if he's pregnant and his body and the baby he's growing demand that he go be loved and coddled but no. He won't do it.
"He never exited his house." Sasuke screams. "We will have to break into the damn place. His mother's there." Sasuke shudders. "She makes mine look pleasant."
"Speaking of mothers…" Naruto starts to say he's going to be one, but Sasuke won't have it.
"My mother wants us to spend more time with her." Sasuke holds up his phone with the five messages from said mother waiting on it. "I said no. You are welcome."
"Sasuke," Naruto scratches his head.
"How was the hospital? Were you good for Itachi?" Sasuke smirks.
"About that," Naruto's cheeks color.
"No." Sasuke catches sight of the blush. No way would his brother actually go through with molesting Naruto. That would be (delightfully) wrong. "He didn't." Itachi is too prim and proper to go through with such a thing.
If he is too prudish for incest (Sasuke, Shisui) then he's too prudish for sharing. Still, Sasuke can hope. Then the harem rumors circulating about them around Konoha can actually come true.
"Sasuke," Naruto can't believe he has to say this, "I am pregnant." There. It's out.
"What?" Sasuke has a shocked expression which Naruto tries not to enjoy too much. "How."
"Well," Naruto has been red all day, ever since he found out actually, "You had sex with me and then a baby happened." No one has ever given him the sex talk actually. The one Deidara gave him does not count.
"Fuck," Sasuke paces back and forth. "How much?"
"Uh," Is he offering me money? "Free?" Naruto is pretty sure Sasuke doesn't owe him anything.
"How pregnant are you?" Sasuke rolls his eyes, over his shock and moving into prideful joy.
He did it. He impregnated his dobe. Now he can… Well he's done. There is nothing left to accomplish.
"I don't know." Naruto rubs his face, his sweater paws making him look even cuter than usual. Summer is supposed to start but it's still very chilly and he's been cold all day. "I missed you."
"You did?" Sasuke stares at the mother of his child. His mate, his dobe. "Describe it to me, your whole day."
"Oh," Naruto squints. "Well, Itachi almost ran three students over in the school parking lot. Then we made it to the hospital, where he almost ran into an ambulance, thank god it was empty."
Sasuke groans, Itachi has trouble in parking lots, to say the least.
"Your father's car has a big scratch on the side."
"…"
"The student doctor slipped her number into your brother's coat, I hope Deidara doesn't find it."
"…"
"They did a blood test," Naruto rubs his arm pathetically, "And a urine test, Itachi told me I had to drink both but I think he was joking."
"…" Sasuke prays the child gets his brains.
"Deidara said I am having a baby and that no ramen packets but I love them but if baby doesn't like them then so be it." Naruto has a determined look on his pretty face.
"Good dobe," Sasuke is proud of his princess wife.
"I want twins." Naruto announces. "Itachi and Deidara have them."
"What's in there is pretty final, dobe." Sasuke tries not to look like he's gloating. "My work is done."
"Yeah," Naruto gives his ramen a mournful look as Sasuke gathers it all up and moves to throw it away, "Wait, let me say goodbye."
"Seriously?"
"I am sorry," Naruto tears up, "Bye." He hugs the huge pile of cheap ramen packets close to his body.
"I will put them away," Sasuke says soothingly, "You can have them back after you have my kid." The emphasis on my is not missed by either male.
"No," Naruto says, "Throw them out I will get weak and eat them. You have to get me more after the baby."
"Jesus," Sasuke pulls Naruto close, kissing his tears away, "Come here, idiot."
"I'm sorry," Naruto has been emotional all day, and week, and month, but no one has noticed because he is Naruto, and being overly emotional is his thing. "Don't hate me."
"Oh I so hate you now." Sasuke rolls his eyes, "Dumbass," He kisses soft lips, which are trembling now. "Am I allowed to fuck you?"
"Missionary only."
"Fuck," Now Sasuke is really annoyed. He knows for a fact that's not how other couples do it when they're knocked up. Naruto is much younger and it's probably a precaution because of that and his smaller frame.
"I'm sorry," Naruto knows it's because he's too young to have a baby and his pregnancy is high risk even for a male.
"No," Sasuke places soft kisses on Naruto's face, "I will be gentle."
"Okay," Naruto is kind of relieved. He likes rough sex because Sasuke gets real happy but he likes it best when Sasuke is all sweet and caring. It's rare when he is though and now he will be forced to be nice to Naruto instead of all aggressive and animalistic. "Maybe we can cuddle more." If it wasn't for Deidara, Naruto wouldn't even have any cuddles! Sasuke just wants to fuck and move on to matchmaking nowadays.
"Right," Sasuke realizes he has been emotionally neglecting Naruto, which is usually fine because there are other people here who can tend to his needy wife while he can go do whatever he want and hang out with his friends. "Fine." He realizes he is going to have to actually take care of Naruto instead of just have sex with him and leave him with his siblings after.
"I miss you all the time," Naruto complains. He figures it's not desperate when he actually has a reason for saying these embarrassing, emotional things.
"I am not going anywhere," Sasuke wraps himself around Naruto, stroking his stomach, marveling at the flatness of it, "Seriously when will you start showing?" he wants the whole world to know he knocked dobe up. Naruto is sexy, and it reflects well on Sasuke that he impregnated someone this hot.
"I don't know." Naruto isn't much of a thinker. Baby is an abstract concept to him but he loves it and he loves that it's Sasuke's because he loves Sasuke. "I want a girl." He sniffles.
"Why?" Sasuke doesn't care. He figures girl is better because it would be exempt from the curse but knowing his luck it will be another cursed boy.
"I have two boys, I want a girl." Naruto's logic is simple.
"Dummy, those are Itachi's, this is mine," Sasuke says possessively, but it does warm his heart to know that Naruto loves his nephews as much as his own baby. He is so warm and loving and will be such a good mommy.
"They are mine," Naruto frowns. Bani and Mink belong to him. They look so much like their uncle! How can Naruto not get all possessive over them?
Sasuke knows better than to argue when Naruto gets like this. "Whatever." He kisses Naruto, who is so pliant and warm right now, instead of his usual feisty self. How could Sasuke not have noticed he was pregnant? He has clearly not been paying attention to Naruto. "This is a good look on you."
"Oh," Naruto didn't get it, "I bought this online." He saw an orange sweater and immediately added it to his cart.
"No," Sasuke takes a deep breathe, dobe is trying his patience today, "Being knocked up is a good look on you."
"Like you noticed, ass," Naruto pouts.
"I should just keep you like this, huh?" Sasuke's eyes dilate, "Pregnant all the time."
"How many babies are we planning on having?" They have married a year and are having this conversation now?
"As many as it takes to keep you in this state." Sasuke massages Naruto's waist possessively, knowing it's going to expand with his seed.
"I don't want more than two," Naruto says decisively. "I can't care for all those babies." He plans on being very involved as a parent.
"You are going to stay pregnant forever," Sasuke groans, Naruto has never been sexier.
"I'm not going to bring all those lives on this planet to indulge your fetish." Naruto doesn't think that's very responsible.
"You will do what I want you to," Naruto's mature attitude is even sexier. He is just reassuring Sasuke's belief that he is going to be an excellent mother to Sasuke's offspring.
"Within reason." Naruto finds it hard not to enjoy Sasuke's kisses on his neck. "Now go away, I'm tired."
"Not going anywhere," Sasuke isn't going to leave Naruto now that there is his bun in the oven, a cake they baked together. "Staying right here."
"Really?" Naruto doesn't mean to sound so needy, but his frightened tone makes Sasuke frown. "You won't go?"
"Go where?" Sasuke thought his dobe felt more secure than this, "Seriously, you are my wife. Why would I leave you?"
"I don't know," Naruto knows in his rational mind that they are happy and together forever but the back of his mind is another story, now that he is pregnant he feels even worse everyday. "I must be going crazy."
"Yes you are," Sasuke kisses Naruto's forehead. "We will be together forever."
"Why would you say that?" Naruto tears up despite himself. "God, why would you lie to me?"
"Okay," Sasuke knows it's the hormones but Naruto's sheer drop in mood is alarming, "It's shower and bedtime for you."
"No it's not." Naruto is tired but he won't listen to Sasuke. "Go away, liar."
Normally Sasuke would disappear for half and hour and return but now that they are pregnant he knows leaving is a bad idea. "Not going." He mumbles and tightens his grip on Naruto's body.
"Then I go." Naruto tries to leave and is held back. "Let me go."
"I love you and you are not going anywhere." Sasuke hates confessing his feelings but it's a drastic situation and he needs to say this.
Even Naruto's hormonal mind can see Sasuke is speaking the absolute truth and calms down at these words. "Fine," He says petulantly. He won't run to Deidara, or worse, his parents. He isn't ready to tell them anyway.
"Good," Sasuke is proud of himself. Naruto is kind of hard to calm down when he's having a tantrum on a normal day. Pregnancy has had to make him worse. "Good mommy."
"Bad daddy." Naruto counters.
"I am going to spank you and discipline you when our child is born to put you in your place." Sasuke threatens. "Tie you up and stuff you full of my cock until it's all you can feel."
"Whatever," Naruto pouts and buries his face in his pillow. He reckons Sasuke will lose interest as soon as he has the baby.
Sasuke growls in Naruto's ear, tightening his hands on delicate wrists, "What was that?"
"You're done with me and you know it," Naruto's brain feels scrambled right now, he doesn't know what he's saying.
"What the hell?" Sasuke knows it's hormones but the insanity is too much to handle, "That's enough, Naruto."
"Fine." Naruto whimpers at the strain on his wrist, "Sorry."
"That's what I thought," All Sasuke can think of is subduing Naruto and the force he just used doesn't even register.
"Can you sleep somewhere else tonight?"
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"Please?" Naruto can't help the crying. He is losing his mind. He has everything he can possibly want in life, the love of his life, and the life they made together, but he is going crazy. "Sasuke go, please."
"Fine, crazy." Sasuke grabs a pillow and a sheet and throws himself on the carpeted floor. He's s slept in worse places when he was a drunk and a drug addict anyway.
"Night," Naruto sniffles, curled around his stomach.
"Night." Sasuke calls out from the floor. "I will be right here when you come to your senses."