Chapter 24
"Here's the thing," Minato looks as if he would rather be dead than talking to Sasuke but here they are, "I need your help."
Sasuke, who has invited Minato and Kushina here to tell them they are going to be grandparents, tries to hide his shock. He fails.
"Kakashi is being difficult." Minato sighs.
"That's kind of who he is." Sasuke knows Kakashi is kind of a character, but that's who he is. Still the most reliable person in Sasuke's life besides Itachi which is damn depressing considering he has never even seen Kakashi's face.
"I need to talk to him, and maybe even rekindle our relationship." Minato says as Kushina rubs his shoulders soothingly. "I was hoping you could help with that."
"You think I can help you with Kakashi?" Sasuke scoffs. His godfather mastered the art of standoffishness before Sasuke was even born. "I am not a miracle worker."
"You got my son to marry you, clearly you know some magic." Minato narrows his eyes. "Get him in the same room as me."
"Yes sir." Sasuke massages his forehead. It always throws him off how much Minato reminds him of Naruto but is completely dominant where Sasuke's idiot is so soft and helpless. It messes with Sasuke's mind.
"Good boy," Kushina pinches Sasuke's cheeks. She would have never chosen him for her precious Naruto but still, Sasuke is kind of growing on her. Something about those blank, black eyes. Like a psychotic puppy or something.
"Stay for dinner, un." Deidara pleads as Kushina follows Minato out the mansion.
"No offense," Minato responds to Deidara. "I hate Sasuke and don't want to be around him."
"He gets that a lot." Deidara nods sagely.
"I am still hoping my son will divorce him." Minato crosses his fingers hopefully and storms out, Kushina shooting them an apologetic look behind her husband's back.
"You didn't tell him you are pregnant, un?" Deidara gives the couple a disappointed look.
"I don't think how it's any of his business." Sasuke asks the two blonds. Naruto nods in agreement because he is afraid of his father. Minato has been holding back his murderous instincts a lot, but if he actually finds out about the pregnancy he might just go through with the murder he has been planning.
"He will eventually notice, Naruto." Deidara sighs when the smaller blond cocks his head the side, "You do realize he will be able to smell it on you, un."
"Start wearing perfume," Sasuke advises Naruto, who makes an agreeing sound. "Do not let him find out, unless you want to raise this child alone." Minato calls Sasuke and leaves threatening messages. Sasuke would report him to the police but it's his father's force, and Fugaku will be impressed with the level of hate the usually sweet blond man has been showing Sasuke.
"What do we do about him?" Naruto gestures to Kisame who has been dumped by his girlfriend and complaining about it ever since.
"Kisame," Deidara shakes the fish man's shoulder, "It's okay, un we will set you up with another girl."
"I loved her." Kisame mourns.
"What was her last name?" Sasuke wonders aloud, knowing Kisame will never be able to answer this question.
"It was," Kisame turns over from where he's wailing in a fetal position on the couch. "…"
"What was her first name?" Naruto wonders, curious.
"Uh," Kisame says tearfully, "You guys are assholes."
"She dumped him because he told her she is not as pretty as Itachi sama." Deidara whispers, "Then he took her shopping and tried to get her to dress up like Itachi sama, un."
"Jesus." Itachi who has just arrived home, overhears and shakes his head as he stares up at the ceiling.
"You are very pretty." Naruto informs Itachi, as he tries to take his brother-in-law's briefcase. Itachi knows better than to actually hand it over at this point. "You are prettier than me."
"And me," Sasuke says mournfully. His brother is so much more feminine than Sasuke. He even gets mistaken for a girl! What's up with that?
"I don't think you are pretty," Kisame sits up, and tries to explain himself to his distraught best friend. "I just think you are the standard for feminine beauty and more girls can stand to look like you."
"I am going to lie down," Is Itachi's response. "When I wake up, you," he narrows his eyes at Kisame who pouts, "Need to call your brothers and tell them what happened."
"Fine," Kisame lays back down on the couch. "He used to be more fun when he was alone and sad."
"He really was," Sasuke nods. At Deidara and Naruto's looks he shrugs. "He was less responsible. It was nice."
"Hey," Deidara feels bad for Kisame. "Why don't we go and see if the babies are up from their naps?"
"Fine," Kisame sits up again. "But don't tell them what happened. I don't want them thinking lowly of godfather."
"They are too small to understand what happened…" Naruto pauses when Sasuke holds up a hand and shakes his head. There is to be no reasoning with Kisame, ever.
"Would it help if I talked to her?" Itachi says before he goes upstairs.
"Okay," Kisame sniffles, "Just make sure you tell her what mascara you use, because I want her eyelashes to look nicer."
"I don't wear mascara." Itachi admits, making everyone but Sasuke gasp in surprise.
"Those are your real fucking lashes?" Naruto slowly claps. "Bravo."
"Please don't wake me unless this house is on fire," Itachi instructs Deidara who nods dutifully, "You know what, not even then, let me burn with this mess." He is so goddamn tired and his family is so stupid and his father actually had the audacity to transfer Izumi to his office. The woman cannot take a hint.
"Itachi sama?" Deidara says timidly, not wanting to upset his husband even more, because clearly he's had a day.
"What," Itachi pauses, frowning at Deidara's concerned look.
"Shizune called," Deidara is so frightened all of a sudden, Itachi puts his briefcase down and grabs his bride, giving Naruto ample chance to grab it.
"What did she say?" Sasuke says, Kisame and Naruto have identical, worried looks on their faces.
"Um," Deidara tries to appear composed. He fails. "The tests you asked her to run, she wants to talk about them, un."
"That's all?" Itachi hugs Deidara, trying to calm him, and his family. "That's it?"
Sasuke and Naruto give each other relieved looks. Kisame grins and runs upstairs to check on his godsons.
"I asked her to make it sound serious so father can give me time off work." Itachi runs his hands through long platinum hair, trying to appear calming. "It's all an act."
"Don't scare us like that, attention whore." Naruto follows Kisame upstairs with Itachi's briefcase. "We kind of need you around here."
"Kind of," Sasuke looks ready to throw a tantrum.
"I am fine," Itachi wants to deactivate his Sharingan so badly because he has a killer migraine, but it will send the wrong message to his mate and brother. He grabs Sasuke around the waist and pulls him close, letting him nuzzle his neck. "I am not going anywhere." He sighs when he feels tears on his neck, "Stop it." It's bad enough having to regulate his own emotions, Sasuke and Deidara would be a whole lot. "The demon won't let anything happen to me." Did I just say that? He is officially using the demon as a comforting measure. God help this family. Itachi thinks miserably.
It works however, because Sasuke is already pulling away, looking reasonably comforted, and Deidara is sniffling considerably less. "I forgot about the damn thing," life has been so obscenely good lately, Sasuke did not take into consideration the things keeping all of the Uchiha family hostage.
"You should rest, we will handle everything with the boys, un." Deidara has a suspicion his husband is lying, but until he hears it from a doctor, he will keep his mouth shut.
"Oh my god," Kakashi screams incoherently. "It's happening. It's happening."
The dogs sputter around like their master, wondering why he's screaming this time. Iruka watches with a blank expression because this is fairly normal for his husband. Usually it's for a soap opera, or another soap opera, or a sale, or porn. Oh the porn.
"I need to eat something, and then I need to throw it up." Naruto announces, letting Sasuke handle his absurd godfather on his own.
"Sure, help yourself…" This is more of a Chouji behavior, but a pregnant male and an Akimichi male are pretty similar. Naruto immediately opens their fridge and starts helping himself to leftovers.
"Why don't I heat that up for you?" Iruka gives the blond a kind look. Naruto moved away as a kid and came back. Iruka has been told that he dodged quite a bullet with the rude, obnoxious blond. Still, Iruka feels responsible for every student, unlike his husband, who couldn't tell a student's name, or anything about them, besides Sasuke, who is Kakashi's favourite.
"No," Naruto barks at Iruka, until Sasuke is forced to take the Tupperware from his mate and hand it over for reheating. "Mine." Naruto pouts when he is forced to wait minutes for the microwave.
"What brings you by, precious?" Kakashi pinches Sasuke's cheeks. "Who's my precious?"
"Uh," Sasuke will never get used to being treated like a small helpless child. Too bad Kakashi never treats him as anything but. "I need to talk to you."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Kakashi cocks his head to the side. All eight of his dogs mirror the movement.
"No," Sasuke promised himself he will be patient. Unfortunately he wants to scream and tear his head out. And then Kakashi cuddles him and they go to the mall.
"We will be back in time for dinner." Kakashi is already grabbing his keys.
"Okay," Iruka who is placing food for Naruto in a plate nods, "We will be waiting for you, I guess."
"Don't bother," Kakashi grabs Sasuke and hugs him so hard, the younger man can feel his ribs crack a little. "Today is all about us. We are going to paint the town red."
"If I catch you at a strip club or a brothel," Iruka massages his forehead because Naruto hasn't even had a bite. He has made a run for the bathroom. "I don't want you gallivanting around town like an unmarried moron."
"There shall be no gallivanting, sweetums." Kakashi blows Iruka a kiss which the shorter man begrudgingly catches.
"We are not going to a strip club?" Sasuke complains as they head out.
"Shh," Kakashi warns Sasuke, "The missus will hear us."
"Can I come in?"
"Of course," Sakura blinks. She has no idea why Sasori's grandmother is visiting her. "Would you like some tea?"
"Yes dear." Grandmother sits down and makes herself at home, looking at the living room with distaste. Is this how the poor live? "Tsunade brat gave me your address. I couldn't resist paying you a visit."
"How can I help you?" Sakura asks, after they are sipping away at tea.
"I heard about what my grandson did, and I wanted to apologize for him." Chiyo nods when Sakura blushes and stammers. "He is a spoiled brat, who is always used to getting his way. Sound like someone you know?"
"Oh," Sakura scoffs. "Konoha seems to attract all the billionaires."
"We are about to be more than that, but sure," Chiyo cradles her cup close. "Dear, I heard about you and the Uchiha boy."
"It was a crush." Sakura waves it off.
"No it wasn't." Chiyo didn't get to be so rich by not noticing the obvious. "You loved that boy."
Sakura has gotten so good at pretending Sasuke and her's relationship didn't happen, and if it did, it was a fake lie which didn't mean anything. When seen it thrown it her face, it hurts. "I don't see why we need to talk about it." If it was anyone but an elderly woman, Sakura would have told her to fuck off, but Sakura was taught to respect her elders, unfortunately.
"My son had a hard time with the blond whore," Chiyo tsks, "If anyone understands what you are going through, it's him. Maybe you can help each other."
"Be each other's second choices?" Sakura makes a face. "No thanks."
"Honey," Chiyo hands Sakura her empty cup, "You want complicated, no one is more complicated than my grandson. You want money, no one is richer than us."
"I don't want money." Sakura looks around at their modest sized home. She is happy. "I want to go to med school."
"I know every doctor in town and then some." Chiyo smirks, "I trained Tsunade brat. I could use a grand-daughter-in-law who isn't brain dead."
"I am not looking for a relationship," Sakura smiles tightly. "I am starting university in the fall."
"You have no idea the kind of lifestyle we can give you." Chiyo is desperate. If her grandson keeps going down this dark, lonely path, he will end up dead. He needs a good woman, and Sakura is good, and then some. She has a future, one which Chiyo hopes she will share with Sasori.
"One date." Sakura sighs, making Chiyo jump up and down in a way no one her age should be able to. "Just one and I am not making any promises."
"Oh you will not regret it, my darling…" Chiyo refrains from saying grand-daughter-in-law.
"Sakura," The pinkette supplies helpfully.
"That you are," Chiyo pinches the young girl's cheeks. "See you soon." That said, she shows herself out, or starts to, and runs into Mebuki, "You are so pretty," She pinches the startled woman's face in a fashion similar to her daughter, "I can see where Sakura gets her looks from." She coos, making Mebuki blush.
"Who was that?" Mebuki asks Sakura who simply shakes her head. What did she just agree to?
"So," Kakashi says as numerous women dance naked around them, displaying their bodies carelessly. "What's up with my precious godbaby?"
"I…" Sasuke refuses another offer for a lapdance.
"Sexual issues?" Kakashi nods knowingly. "Well, let's consider the psychological repercussions of such issues. Why are you so bad in bed and why does it make you less of a man?"
"…" Sasuke knows the others will be here soon, he needs to make sure he talks about this little family issue before the rest of the men arrive. "Whatever is going on between you and Minato, I need you to put an end to it, and go see him. He is driving me crazy."
Kakashi ignores Sasuke, and gestures the waitress, beckoning her for another drink. "That is none of your business."
Sasuke shivers. All of a sudden, Kakashi's tone has dropped to an icy timbre, it scares the life out of Sasuke. Kakashi is usually so warm and loving, even paternal toward Sasuke. This is weird, "But…"
"Not your concern." Kakashi's one visible eye narrows, and Sasuke thinks he sees the other eye, the Sharingan, and finds himself nodding. "Understood?"
"Yes," Sasuke agrees and focuses on his own drink. "Not my concern."
"Good," All of a sudden, the club's offensive dance music is noticeable again, and Sasuke can hear everything loud and clear. "Glad we settled that. Oh look who's here."
Neji, Gaara, Hidan, Kakuzo, Asuma, Guy, Anko, and just about every other degenerate in Konoha joins them.
"How does any work get done in this goddamn city?" Sasuke asks his friends who shrug, "Honestly. Every working aged adult is here." He is fairly certain he just saw Lady Tsunade up on stage or was that wishful thinking?
"Well," Gaara nods patiently as Lee attempts to climb up on stage and dance for everyone. "There is a strict code to live by around here.
"Drink as much as you can." Neji responds, surprising the other two boys in his company. "Life is short."
"Jesus," Sasuke sighs and slaps his forehead. "I can't." He stands and starts to walk away. He has literally tried to have Shikamaru kidnapped for Neji and if it still failed he cannot fix this. "Fuck you, Hyuuga."
"Are you leaving?" Chouji gives Sasuke an amorous look which makes him nervous as he tries to navigate the club and get to Kakashi before his godfather starts stripping. "But we just got here?" Chouji purrs.
"I need you to stop drinking," Sasuke grabs Chouji's cup, "Why don't I take you home?"
"Well," A stunning, dark skinned woman with amber eyes gets in between Sasuke and Chouji, making them both blanch. "Why don't I take you home?"
"I am with someone," Chouji says standoffishly.
"I can see that," The woman looks Sasuke up and down as if he's a rodent, making the handsome Uchiha feel self-conscious. "Why don't you shake him off and we go somewhere, alone?"
"You are being rude," Chouji shrugs off the beautiful woman, making Sasuke's eyes widen. "Let's go babe."
"I…" Sasuke is shocked as the woman, herself in shock, is frozen at her spot. "Wow."
"Yeah the nerve of her," Chouji grabs Sasuke around the waist as they dance to the rap song playing ubiquitously, "Who does she think she is?"
"An available, good-looking woman, accosting a desirable mate?" Sasuke shrieks as Chouji grabs his ass and sways carelessly to the music.
"I am sick of women," Chouji rests his head on Sasuke's shoulder and sniffles, "No more women."
"I see," Sasuke notices Ino and Sai out of the corner of his eye, maybe Chouji isn't as okay with the breakup as everyone thought. "No more women."
"Men only," Chouji's hand on Sasuke's ass tightens possessively.
"Jesus Christ," Sasuke massages his forehead.
"Wow, man," One of the bouncers approaches the couple. "I can appreciate customers having fun, but leave the sex at home, okay?" He tells Sasuke, who turns beet red and pushes his shirt down where Chouji's other hand is caressing his abs and veering dangerously close to his crotch.
"Here's the thing." Shizune and Tsunade give each looks, the latter annoyed at her phone. All the men of Konoha are at a strip club right now for some reason. There is a reason nothing gets done in this city, Tsunade vows to shut the damn club down next city council meeting. "You had us run some tests?"
"Yes?" Itachi can tell Deidara is getting anxious out there, but he didn't want his mate in here in case it's something bad. Judging by the doctors and their frightened expressions, it's bad.
"It is an autoimmune disorder." Tsunade doesn't bother going into too much explanation because considering Itachi's genius intellect, he will figure it out on his own. "It will kill you."
"I am so sorry." Shizune likes Itachi so much better than any Uchiha she has ever met. He is kind, respectful, and fair. Every other member of the family is a serial killer at worst and thieving liar at best. "Seriously."
The demon won't let anything bad happen to me. Itachi shakes his head. "I cannot die."
"Leave us," Tsunade orders Shizune who hesitates. Her boss can be kind of callous, and if she barks at Itachi at a time like this… "Go check on Deidara and the kids." By that she definitely means Kisame and the twins. "Brat," She has known Itachi since he was a sad kid, to a sad teen, to a responsible adult. This is depressing. She waits for Shizune to disappear. "I know what you are thinking, the demon will fix this."
"He will." What about Deidara? Sasuke. The boys? Kisame? Who will protect them? "I cannot die." Itachi shakes his head furiously, like a damn stupid kid, as if he can pretend the danger isn't there and it will simply disappear.
"Your body will get weaker and that thing inside you will take over." Tsunade puts the files aside.
Itachi remembers the last time the demon took over. He knows it won't hurt his mate, and a few others but everyone else in Konoha is in grave danger. "I have to commit suicide."
"Are you sure?" Tsunade opens her phone and shows Itachi a picture of Sasuke and Chouji in an intimate embrace. The elder brother smiles despite his grave situation. Sasuke being happy and healthy and enjoying himself makes Itachi happy no matter what. "Oh fuck," Tsunade curses up a storm when she is sent a picture of Jiraiya with a large breasted blond woman. "I am definitely shutting down that stupid club."
"Right," Itachi sighs and leans back. "Thank you."
"Now what?" Tsunade has always been at a loss when it comes to the Uchiha family. "What do you want me to do?" She will agree to an assisted suicide if it comes down to it.
"I would like to be with my family." Itachi knows what he has to do. "Don't tell anyone."
"Doctor patient confidentiality is a thing, brat." Tsunade says lifelessly. "Sorry." Itachi truly has been dealt bad cards.