Speculations
I spent the rest of the week with Jasper and the Cullens. Jacob never responded to my text and he didn't call me back. It was Sunday evening and Jasper and I were saying our goodbye. I didn't want to go home. I knew what was waiting for me.
My face was finally healed, though, unseen by the human eye, you could still see the markings. I was thankful that Alice had retrieved my truck, it gave me time to think while I drove home. I thought about Jacob, and how, if given the chance, I would have done everything differently. I would've most definitely stayed far away from Paul. But it was inevitable that I meet him. I could feel it in my very core that he was my other half. The only one I'd be truly happy with. Ugh! Why'd he have to be so difficult about EVERYTHING? I thought exasperated. It was times like this that I just wished I could be a normal human.
When I pulled into the driveway of my house it felt eerie. The house was dark and empty. Charlie still wasn't home yet. I sighed, cutting off the engine and grabbing my bag before making my way into the house. After I shut the door, I locked it. Yeah, like that'll do anything. I ran upstairs to my room and rushed to the french doors to lock them, but before I could fully reach them they were being pushed open.
"What do you want?" I whispered turning away from him.
"We need to talk, princess," his endearment was strangely out of place.
"Just go away Paul," my voice broke when I said his name. I felt traitorous tears falling down my cheeks. I didn't want to see him, not after everything that had happened. I felt myself collapse into a heap on the floor. He scooped me up cradling me to his chest and gently sat on the bed hugging me tightly.
"You know your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash," I whisper. He chuckled in response.
"I have my reasons why I don't want to tell the pack about my imprinting on you, princess." He sniffed my hair and pulled back with a look of disgust on his face. "You smell sickly sweet," he said between gritted teeth. I rolled my eyes and stood to move away from him.
"Paul, I really don't feel like dealing with your shit tonight," I said furrowing my brow.
"Then give me a reason to leave," he said turning me around to face him.
"Paul," I began quietly. "Don't do this. I don't have the energy to fight you anymore. Just go," I whispered turning away.
"What if I had told the pack about you, would it be that much of a difference? You forget about the fact that you have a fish tail and gills and fins. I'm not telling them anything until you allow me to tell them about you, princess. That's why I haven't said anything," his voice was low.
I turned around and looked at him. I was actually surprised by his burst of honesty. It made me curious.
"Then let me ask you something, Paul. Tell me, why is it after every time you see me and we argue, I have a near heart attack not long after? I bet you didn't know that, did you? Tell me, what do you do when we disagree?" I watched his expression turn to shock. "I have a theory you see, I obviously can't run and ask another pack member, so I have to figure it out myself. I've read about the quileute tribe and the legends. Though it doesn't mention anything about 'imprinting' it does describe something about soulmates. See for mermaids we don't usually just fall in love all willy-nilly. No. Full merfolk trade their tails to feel what love is only to be banished from the sea when it doesn't work out. See as I'm not full merfolk we halfings have our own way of things." He looked at me with a pained look.
"We actually do have soulmates. Only I'm not of age to accept your 'imprint' nor feel the pull of it. However, I did read that the soulmate of the wolf, feels the pain of the wolf, or something like that. I'm not sure what it means myself. I don't know what it is you're doing, but it feels like my heart is literally being torn out of my chest." He looked away. I wasn't expecting him to answer or anything.
"Princess, I can explain," he sighed.
"Explain what?" I asked dryly. I suddenly felt awful and just wanted to comfort him.
"It's nothing. It's not like we're together or anything. If I remember correctly you and Black were riding the hobby horse," his voice became bitter. I nodded understanding immediately what was going on. I wanted him gone, I didn't want to look at him anymore.
"I think you should leave," I replied in a small voice.
"You're such a hypocrite, Swan. It's okay for you to fuck Black but I'm suddenly the bad guy because I'm getting ass. Save the drama for your leeches, Swan. If I want to chase some tail..." I reached up and slapped him as hard as I could. I couldn't stand listening to another word.
"I SAID LEAVE," I shouted. My voice cracking. He stared at me with pure anger in his eyes. He turned and walked out slamming the door behind him. I ran to lock it before turning to lean on it. Tears began falling from my eyes and for once I was willing to do anything to rid myself of the pain. You need to calm down and think rational about this. The voice screamed in a panicked tone. It was too late. I made up my decision.
At that moment my phone rang. I looked at the caller ID. Of course, Alice. I picked up knowing she saw what I was going to do.
"Alice," I said into the speaker.
"Bella, what do you think you're doing? Did you not think about Charlie or Renee? What about Jazzy?" Her voice raising as her anger spiked.
"Do you have a better way?" I asked, wiping my tears.
"Bella, a memory wipe won't solve anything. Think of all those who love you. Think of Charlie," Alice said with a sad tone.
"I just don't want to feel this pain anymore, Alice. Forgetting is better than feeling what I feel," I whispered.
"Oh, Bella," if she could cry, I was sure she would have.
There was a light knock on the door leading outside. I rolled my eyes not answering it.
"Jasper should be there already. I'll see you at school tomorrow. Try to get some sleep, okay. Good night, Bella," she said.
"Good night, Alice," I replied before the line went dead. I placed my phone on the nightstand and headed to unlock the door.
Jasper held me as I fell asleep, rubbing soft circles on my back. He didn't interrupt my tears as I wept and soaked his shirt. He hummed softly until unconsciousness took me into a deep dreamless sleep.
The next morning was extra cloudy. I just didn't feel like dressing up. I took a quick shower before lightly blow drying my hair and heading back to my room. Jasper sat quietly on my bed as I dressed in an oversized dark green hoodie with black leggings and a pair of uggs. I headed back to the bathroom to throw my hair up. I teased my bangs pinning them to my crown, putting the rest of my hair in a messy topknot. Jasper gave me a gentle kiss on the cheek before ducking out to go change, telling me to wait for him to return. I grabbed my book bag and headed for the kitchen. I sat and ate a packet of poptarts quietly and washed them down with a glass of milk. When I finished washing out my glass a light knock sounded at the front door. I answered it surprised to see Emmett grinning widely.
"Hey Em! Where's Jazz?" I asked him.
He reached down wrapping me in a tight bear hug before answering me. "On his way, Belly Bean." His grin getting impossibly wider. I couldn't help but smile at him. His joy was infectious, it was as if I wasn't sad anymore. I walked with Emmett to a lifted silver Jeep parked behind my truck. Emmett helped me into the backseat. Rosalie sat up front reading a muscle car magazine. After I finished buckling, Jasper joined me in the back seat taking my hand in his. He smiled at me and kissed my cheek. My cheeks colored lightly as a small smile formed on my lips. I didn't bother to do much makeup today. I only did eye liner and mascara. I looked like I hadn't slept in a while.
When we arrived at school I wasn't surprised that there were rumors circulating about the real reason I was absent. I chose to ignore the whispers in the hall. It wasn't easy blocking everything out on top of everything else. Though, there was one particular rumor that caught my attention. It involved Jake. "I heard she ran off to elope with that Quileute guy, but then he left her. Found out she was pregnant and it wasn't even his. What a slut." I ran to the bathroom and hurried into a stall and puked. Of course this didn't help the previous rumor. I could hear the voice of the girl whom spoke earlier outside the bathroom, entering while whispering, "see, I bet it's morning sickness." I didn't want to be here anymore.
I was surprised when I heard Angela whisper back. "Lauren, you don't know if that's what is going on. Why do you have to judge a book by its cover before reading it?" I was thankful for her help. I blocked the rest of their conversation out, not wanting to hear anymore. Finally I heard feet shuffling and then the door open and close. I waited for a moment before I finally came out of the stall. "Sorry you had to hear that." I jumped, having not noticed Angela was leaning against the wall by the door.
"It's not the first time I've heard rumors about myself." I rinsed my mouth and washed my hands, turning to look at the remorse on her face. I understood that they were her friends longer than I was. And afterwards they would still be friends and I would be gone forever.
"I think she's just jealous, you know. What with you getting attention and her modeling career failing to get anywhere." I snickered at the modeling comment. Sure Lauren was beautiful with her long honey blonde hair and blue eyes, but the beauty was only surface beauty. It didn't go deeper than that. Since I started at Forks high, she hasn't spoken directly to me, and anything she says about me, isn't very positive either.
"I'm not worried about it. It's just annoying to have to constantly block her out," I said quietly.
"Well if it makes you feel better, no one believes that you're pregnant. They think you're still sick with what you came down with last week. I'm just glad you're better." She looked at me with a sweet smile. Angela Webber was usually the quiet one. The one that stayed home to study instead of partying her life away. She was smart, beautiful and kind.
The beginning of the day went as usual and before lunch there was a new rumor that I had cheated on Jake with Jasper and that we were expecting. I was exasperated. Where the hell did they come up with this crap? I wanted to text Jake and ask him how he was doing. I wish he would just call me and we could still be best friends.
I walked into the lunch room and went straight to the food line. Ignoring all the stares I take my tray and head to sit with the Cullens. Before getting halfway there someone I don't recognize stands up and blocks my way.
"Hey Bella, how are you feeling?" He said blushing brightly.
"I'm fine. Excuse me." I turned around and headed a different route. I looked over to see Jasper and Edward heading my way.
"Oh look the Cullen boys coming to rescue their slut. Bet she's doing both of them now that that quileute guy is done with her." I recognized her voice from early. Lauren. I sneered at her. I couldn't help it this time, blocking her out was too exhausting and I wanted to know how she knew about Jacob. I didn't know any of her friends, she talked to Jessica occasionally in gym but they weren't friends. Jessica was too hung up on Mike Newton and they were going pretty steady. Of course there were some crazy rumors that he was cheating on her with some chick on the Reservation named Leah.
I listened for anything that stood out in her conversation. My stomach became sickly ill when she started talking about her latest fling with a guy she met at the diner. "I think he's only sleeping with me to get back at another girl," I heard her say to a burnette girl next to her.
"Why do you keep letting him back in if he doesn't want to get serious with you?" The girl asked, flipping her hair.
I felt the tension in the air, and Edward visibly stiffened. I peaked at him as I shoved another bite of pizza in my mouth. His jaw was clenched and he was staring at Lauren. I turned my attention back to her conversation.
"I don't know. Paul just doesn't do serious relationships anymore. Besides I met someone else. I just haven't figured out how to tell him the news."
I felt sick. I turned to look at Edward, his expression was still hard. But he was still staring in the direction of Lauren. I couldn't help but ask what was wrong, anything to block out Lauren and her posse. "Edward? Everything okay?" I asked. He turned to look at me, a pained expression now on his beautiful face. I felt pity for him. He had to block out everyone's thoughts on top of the chitter chatter.
"I'll see you later Bella," he said between gritted teeth.
"Wait! What about class?" I asked in a rush. He was hurrying out of his chair.
"It's healthy to ditch some times," he replied, and with that he was gone. I looked over to Jazz with a puzzling look. He just shrugged and stared off in the distance. I nibbled on my carrots till the first bell rang. Jazz waited ever so patiently for me to gather my things.
"Jazz, what was Edward feeling other than anger?" I asked as I opened my locker to grab my biology book.
"His emotions weren't very scattered for once. Just jealousy, and pity darlin'," he replied leaning against the other lockers with his hands in his pockets.
"Jealousy?" I snorted at that. Interesting. "Wonder what he's jealous about?"
"He's jealous of Eric. He's asking Angela to the Sadie Hawkins dance," Alice chimed in, appearing out of nowhere. I jumped, a little startled.
"Okay first of all, that's a girl's choice. And second why's he jealous of Eric and Angela?" I asked curiously.
"I actually can't tell you that, Bella. You have to be patient and let Edward figure it out himself first." I nodded confused still. Last I remembered was Jazz telling me that he was developing mixed feelings for me. I laughed at the thought. Edward only admitted that he was drawn to my blood.
"Well let's not speculate too much about it before we drive him mad," I sighed slamming my locker. Alice and I walked arm in arm with Caleb and Jazz trailing closely behind.
"You worry too much, Bella. You need to let loose a little. How about going shopping after school or something?" I smiled at her.
"Of course I'd love to go," I replied. I was Alice's favorite shopping buddy. Only that most of the time she spends way too much on me. I don't bother arguing as it'll get me nowhere. I waved to them as I went and took my seat in biology.
Edward was definitely right about ditching being healthy. As Mr. Molina walked in carrying multiple small boxes he called the class to order. After going over everything he called out for a first volunteer. I began to sweat as soon as he pricked Mike's finger. The salty smell of the blood hit my nostrils and rolled my stomach. I laid my head on the table, the coolness of the surface helping very little.
Mr. Molina walked to my table. "Are you alright Miss Swan?"
"Mr. Molina, I already know my blood type," I rasp out.
I could hear him asking Mike Newton to escort me to the nurse. He was kind enough to carry my bag. Once outside I had to sit before my lunch made a reappearance.
"Are you okay Bella? Do you want me to get you a water or something? I can run to the vending machine for you?" He offered. Mike has been such a great friend especially since he and Jessica became an item.
"Don't worry Newton I got it," I heard a familiar voice. I looked up to see Edward walking in our direction holding a bottle of water.
"Thanks, Cullen." He replied.
"I can take her from here," Edward offered.
"Sure, she got sick at the sight of the others blood I guess. Here's her bag. Hope you're okay Bella." I felt the ground disappear from beneath me. The sudden movement causing my stomach to churn a bit.
"You really don't have to do this, Edward," I croaked.
"You're like family, Bella. If fate were kinder you'd be my future sister." He sighed.
"What are you talking about?" I asked sheepishly.
"Nothing," He replied curtly.
He walked me into the nurse's office. About five minutes later he gets us out of class for the rest of the day. I shoot a text to Jasper.
Hey I didn't feel well.
So I'll be home for the
rest of the day.
xoxo Bells
I quickly sent it and headed to my truck. I waved bye to Edward before slowly driving home. If anything the drive made it worse. I ran to the edge of the forest and threw up in a shrub.
"That's not ladylike." I almost choked. I stood and made my way into the house not looking at him, ignoring him completely. He was sleeping with Lauren, and was now trying to get in my pants. He made me sick. And now I lost my bestfriend because of him.
He barged into the house behind me.
"Aren't you supposed to be in school Isabella?" I walked upstairs heading for my bathroom and slammed the door in his face. "Can't ignore me forever Swan!"
"I can try," I replied curtly. I quickly brushed my teeth before opening the door. His large body filling the door frame. I shoved past him.
"Are you bipolar or something? It's like the last conversation didn't happen," I snapped.
"I like to start anew every morning. New day new start," he smiled at me.
"You disgust me still," I replied turning to grab my favorite book Wuthering Heights. Then heading out to my lounge chair to settle down and read.
"What is it this time that disgusts you Swan," he sounded exasperated.
"I don't know. Why don't you go ask Lauren?" I snapped. He froze, his body becoming ridged. So it was true then. Huh.
"Where'd you hear that?" He asked shocked.
I stood up tossing my book aside. "So it's true? You're sleeping with her?" I sneered.
"What are you my girlfriend now? Last I remembered I'm a single guy. I can do whatever I want." He was raising his voice.
"Ugh!" I turned away refusing to look at him.
It wasn't fair, I didn't want to be linked to him anymore. I turned to look at him. "Don't worry this link we share won't last much longer. Not if I can help it," I pushed past him heading downstairs to prepare dinner for Charlie. I pulled out a couple of steaks to marinate for an hour and placed a couple of potatoes wrapped in foil in the oven.
"What is that supposed to mean?" He sounded panicked.
"It means you won't have to worry about this stupid imprint anymore. Quite frankly, I for one, can't wait for my freedom back. Too bad we didn't meet when I was eighteen. Things would have been completely diff-" he cut me off grabbing my arm and spinning me to face him.
"You're going to break the imprint? How? Why? You're the one who was resistant. I'm not going to be celibate while you date someone else," he shouted.
"It's not my fault that you can't control your impulses!" I shouted back.
"You're going to tell me you didn't feel anything that day on the beach, Swan?" He asked.
"Of course I did! I also had no idea if I would ever see you again. I didn't think I would honestly!" I shouted back. We were interrupted by a throat clearing in the entrance of the kitchen. I was too angry to be anything else.
"Everything okay kids?" Charlie asked concerned. I flushed bright red turning to see if Paul was wearing a shirt. In fact he was dressed in an entire outfit. He wore a tight black shirt with a black leather jacket. He wore tan working boots and faded black denim pants. His hair looked like he gelled it.
"We're fine dad," I whispered looking at my hands now.
"My apologies Chief Swan. We were having a disagreement that was getting out of hand. I was hoping to ask Bella if she wanted to have dinner with me tonight," he said formally to my father. I stood there gapping.
"Actually I have plans. I promised a girlfriend of mine that I'd go shopping later," I chimed in.
"Maybe this Friday?" He asked.
"I'll think about it Paul," I replied sheepishly.
He turned to look at Charlie. "It was nice meeting you chief Swan. Have a good night Bella," he said sheepishly heading to the front door.
"Why don't I walk you out Paul," Charlie replied. Oh my gosh, please don't embarrass me.
Charlie walked Paul out, taking their time. I didn't want to know what they talked about. I placed the steak in the oven on broil. After it finished cooking I set the table. Charlie and I sat and ate mostly in silence. That is till he asked the question I was waiting for him to ask.
"So what happened between you and Jake?"
I forced myself to look up at him. "Jake and I broke up," I whispered.
"Oh. I thought you kids were hitting it off," he said sheepishly.
The rest of dinner was quiet and I quickly cleaned up afterwards. After I finished, I wasn't even out of the kitchen when a knock sounded at the front door. I ran to answer it. Standing with a huge smile on her face was Alice.
"Dad I'm going shopping with Alice. We'll be back before my curfew. Love you," I said grabbing my purse and heading out the door.
"You kids be safe. Love you Bells" he hollered back.
After three and half hours of shopping and more than twenty bags later, I practically had a new wardrobe. We even bought lingerie and I got fitted for seven new bras. I got several new pairs of shoes. And Alice bought me stuff to organize and decorate my bathroom. She didn't pry for once about the whole Jasper and Paul thing. I was honestly stuck between the two. Jasper was so sweet and caring. Paul was unpredictable. I just wasn't ready for unpredictable. Besides how could I date someone who was sleeping with Lauren? She was so rude and arrogant.
Alice and I got back to the house fifteen after ten. She helped me unpack all my new clothes and even redid my bathroom while I was told to watch carefully. After she finished the bathroom she set up my new vanity that 'every girl should have'. Then she mounted my new facial mirror in the bathroom. Finally when everything was done she walked me through all twenty makeup brushes and what each one was for. I rolled my eyes wondering whoever invented such things. When it was time for Alice to leave she gave me a hug and a not so subtle wink. I shook my head not understanding the meaning.
"I'll see you later Bella," Alice hollered from her car, though I would've heard her whisper it.
I rolled my eyes and quietly replied, "goodbye Alice."
"Did ya have fun Bells?" Charlie asked.
"As much fun as you can. She wants to know if I can go spend spring break with her and go shopping, again. The Cullens are going to be in Denali that week." I peeked over at Charlie to assess his reaction. He shrugged.
"I don't see why not Bells. Just be safe," he said turning back to his game.
"We will dad. I'm going to bed. Love you," I shouted walking up the stairs.
"Good night Bells," he replied.
I walked into my room and shut the door. I took a deep breath clearing my thoughts as I dressed in a pair of my new Hollister sweats. Ridiculous I couldn't just have Walmart sweats. I thought with a shudder.
I was laying in my bed when I heard a light knock on the balcony door. I groaned having to get out of bed. I was expecting it to be Jazz or Paul. Maybe even hoped it was Jake. But I was surprised to see Embry standing there with an apologetic expression.
"Can I help you," I asked, look around to see if anyone else was hiding.
"It's just me, Bella. I came to apologize for what I did to you. Don't take it out on Paul. If it makes you feel better, we're the only pack members that know your secret," he smiled at me.
"How are you guys able to keep it from the others?" I asked him.
"We just don't think about it. There's something else I wanted to talk to you about," he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. Just then I heard a cell phone ring. "Sorry Bella I gotta take this," he said sheepishly. He turned away answering his phone. I was half expecting it to be Jake or Paul, but the voice on the other end was a girls voice. It was familiar and I couldn't remember where I had heard it before. I couldn't help but over hear their conversation.
"Emmy, where are you? I miss you," the girls voice was whiny and high pitched.
"I told you I had some pack business to take care of. I'll be over soon beautiful," he replied, trying to soothe her.
"C'mon Emmy. Jess canceled on me, something about Mike being sick and taking care of him," the girl whined. I stiffened at the mention of Jessica and Mike. Jessica had a lot of friends and it could've been anyone. I felt something prickles at the back of my mind. I listened more closely.
"I'll be there soon. I promise," he pressed.
"Fine. Try not to be longer than thirty minutes please Em," she scolded him.
He sighed. "Lauren I gotta finish here so I can get there sooner. I gotta go. I love you," he replied with adoration in his tone.
I stood there frozen. Lauren? I felt dizzy. So that's how she knew about my break up with Jacob. I turned and ran for the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I honestly didn't want to hear anything else he had to say. He could shove his apology up his ass for all I cared. I was bent over the toilet puking when I heard Charlie asking if I was alright from the other side of the door.
"I'm fine dad. Just a stomach bug," I lied. I sat leaning against the wall, tears falling. I just wanted to run away. I didn't want to face another day with everyone making speculations about my life. After puking again I felt even more sick than before. I suddenly felt awful and couldn't keep anything down. I curled up in a tight ball and fell asleep hugging the toilet.
I woke in the middle of the night and puked uncontrollably again. Sitting next to me was a glass of water and a note. The handwriting was unfamiliar. I had an inkling that I knew it was from Embry. I ignored it and shoved it away before turning to puke some more. After I was done I rinsed my mouth before resuming my spot close to the toilet. My stomach was unsettled, and I knew this was going to be a long night. I fell asleep wrapped around the toilet wishing I could be home with my mom. But they haven't settled yet and everything was still unsure.
I woke up again to puke some more. This time there was a large warm hand rubbing my back. I didn't have the energy to fight or even speak. I gratefully took the offered glass to rinse my mouth. I curled back into the tight ball falling into a light sleep as a fever crept through my body. I shivered and felt myself being lifted into his lap. His woodsy smell, and his hand gently rubbing soothing circles on my back lulling me into a deeper sleep.
"I'm so sorry princess. I wish I could take back everything I did. I love you," he whispered quietly as unconsciousness pulled me in deeper. I wasn't surprised by his words, I was surprised that I felt the same way.
Oh Paul. I wish I could tell you how I really feel about you. I thought. I just hope tomorrow is a better day.