Chapter 28 - Self-worth

Over the next few days, Jonathan wasn't able to get much more work done than he would have if he had been in jail. The three of them visited Lex every evening to bring him updates on his father, and Martha dropped by in the mornings as well to make sure he was eating and sleeping.

Jonathan worried constantly about Clark, who he begrudgingly allowed to investigate the situation, reasoning that he wouldn't have been able to stop him if Jonathan himself had been in jail. Jonathan respected Ethan, but the Smallville police department wasn't always able to get to the bottom of cases, especially considering meteor rocks seemed to be involved in every other major crime. Jonathan had no reason to believe meteor rocks would be involved in this one, but he still worried about Clark.

Meanwhile, Martha was a wreck. Jonathan knew she would have been just as devastated if Jonathan himself had been in jail, but it was different with Lex. When Jonathan had been arrested, most people hadn't believed he was guilty even though all of the evidence pointed to him, but people generally believed Lex had shot his father, which made his exoneration feel like a lost cause, even with Lex's army of lawyers.

Even when Jonathan went out to do chores, he didn't stay out of the house for longer than an hour or two without coming back in to check on Martha. She was either crying or staring into space almost every time he came into the house, though much of the time she was attempting to continue her work through her tears.

But eventually—and none too soon—the case was solved.

They heard the news about Sheriff Ethan having been the shooter only minutes before Clark and Lex came home. Jonathan was too relieved to have his family back together to dwell for long on the fact that his long-time friend had become a murderer—or at least, an attempted murderer. He would mourn later.

Jonathan clapped each of his boys on the shoulder as they came into the house, giving them each a warm smile, but Martha rushed up to them.

"Clark, I'm so proud of you." Martha pulled Clark into a hug while he grinned widely.

"Thanks, Mom."

She held Clark at arm's length and stroked his hair, smiling, before letting go and turning to Lex. "Lex, how dare you worry me like that!" She threw her arms around Lex and held him so tightly that Jonathan almost spoke up to remind her not to strangle the kid.

"Ah, Mrs. Kent—" His words were labored, like he was struggling to breathe. "Ow."

She let go, but gave him a light cuff on the arm. "Don't you ever do that again."

Lex straightened his shirt. "I'll try not to, Mrs. Kent."

"Any news about your father?" Jonathan asked.

"It was touch and go for awhile there, but it looks like he's gonna pull through." There was no trace of a smile on his face as he said it, and Jonathan didn't blame him for that. He couldn't imagine the conflict that must be going through the kid's head at the whole situation.

"Clark, could you help your mother with dinner? I'd like to speak to Lex in the living room."

Lex's face turned a bit paler. Jonathan didn't intend to scold him to tears like he had the week before, but Lex had no way of knowing that. Jonathan didn't think it was necessarily a bad thing for him to sweat a little, though. Lex hadn't done anything morally wrong, but Jonathan still didn't want him to repeat the choices he'd made this week.

Martha took Lex's hand and gave it a quick squeeze, then disappeared into the kitchen, closely followed by Clark.

Jonathan gestured for Lex to sit down on the couch while he himself sat down on the armchair beside it.

"Mr. Kent, I wasn't trying to make things worse by confessing, I just thought—"

"You did a good thing, Lex."

Lex's eyebrows raised.

"I want to thank you for the sacrifice you made. I know your heart was in the right place. What you did was brave, and selfless, and it was as unlike your father as you could possibly be."

"Oh. Thank you, Mr. Kent. I mean, you're welcome." Lex looked confused.

"Your actions were moral, but they were reckless. You could have ended up stuck in prison for years."

Lex blinked. "So could you. I wasn't going to let that happen."

"I wouldn't have, and you know it. But you, going in there and confessing . . ."

Lex shook his head. "I know, but I didn't want you to be in there at all. A day is too long."

"You're right. A day is too long." Jonathan hesitated for a moment, but decided to be completely honest. "Martha has been crying on and off ever since you went to jail. Clark spent the entire time trying to investigate your father's murder, he's days behind on schoolwork now. And I haven't been able to do much on the farm, because I've been busy worrying about him, and Martha, and you."

"They would have been doing the same thing if you were the one in jail."

Jonathan nodded. "That's probably true."

"Then why are you telling me this?"

Jonathan looked him deep in the eyes. "Because I never, ever, ever want to hear you say again that you don't have a family that loves you."

Lex's head lowered, and he looked down at his hands.

Jonathan almost snapped at Lex to look up at him, but he held himself back. The last lecture had been more of a punishment; this one was meant to be encouragement, and he didn't want to make Lex any more uncomfortable than he needed to be. "Son, we would all be devastated if something happened to you."

Lex nodded, though his face was blank.

Jonathan felt himself flooding with frustration. "Why don't you believe us, Lex? Why is this so hard to understand?"

Lex's eyes lifted to the black television screen. "My father once told me that, uh, that he loved me."

Jonathan breathed in to speak, but closed his mouth.

"A few years ago. He gave this long speech about family, and how he was proud of the man I was becoming. He was manipulating me, of course—he just wanted me to do something, and I believed him and walked straight into his trap."

Heat rushed through Jonathan's limbs. "You think I'm like your father?"

"No, I—"

"You think we're trying to manipulate you? After everything—"

"No. I'm answering your question. You asked me why this is so hard to understand, and I'm telling you why."

Jonathan was silent for a moment. Lex had never been so open with him before. "Lex, you know we're not like him."

"Yeah, I know. In my mind, anyway. I know that your family . . . well, you know."

Jonathan waited a moment, but Lex had trailed off. "Say it," Jonathan told him.

Lex's eyes met his.

Jonathan repeated Lex's words: "You know that our family . . . what? Finish the sentence."

Lex swallowed hard and looked down at his hands again. His voice was very soft when he finally spoke. "You love me."

"Say it again."

Lex scowled. "You love me."

"Good. What else?"

"What do you mean?"

"What else do you know about this family? We love you and what else?"

Lex winced. "Do I really have to say it?"

"I'm asking you to."

Lex blinked a couple of times. "You care about me. You want to help me fight my inner darkness. Um, a minute ago you said you'd be . . . unhappy if something happened to me."

"I didn't say unhappy. What did I say?"

"Devastated," Lex whispered.

"Devastated."

Lex looked over at Jonathan for just a second before looking away, eyes shining. Jonathan had planned to make him repeat the whole thing over again, but he didn't push him. He didn't want to make him cry.

"You didn't do anything wrong this week, Lex, not exactly. You sacrificed yourself for me. That sacrifice doesn't mean much if you think you're worth nothing. I can't stop you from making sacrifices, but I want you to make them knowing your own worth. Maybe that will help you be smarter about the choices you make."

Lex's voice caught in his throat, and he threw down his hands in frustration. "It's not that simple, Mr. Kent. Everything my father taught me, it's not a switch I can just flip on and off!"

"I didn't say it was."

It was quiet for a long time.

Jonathan wanted to come sit on the same couch as Lex and put a hand on his knee or his shoulder—it was what he would have done for Clark—but he didn't know how Lex would respond to the contact while he was already so vulnerable, so he stayed where he was for the time being. "Lex, how many times has your father made you feel worthless since your mother passed away?"

"You're really gonna make me answer that?" Lex spoke through his teeth.

"Did you believe him the first time? The second? The third?"

"Why does it matter?"

"It doesn't. That's my point. Someday, you'll finally believe us that your life has value—not just know it in your mind, but really believe it, in your heart and in the choices you make. And it won't matter to me how many times I had to tell you."

Lex took a deep breath and nodded.

"Okay?"

"Okay, Mr. Kent."

Jonathan could see he was starting to get through to Lex, but he thought maybe he could take things one step further. "Listen, Lex . . . Martha and I have been talking about something."

Lex looked him straight in the eyes.

"Ah . . ." He rubbed the back of his neck. "I don't want to put any pressure on you. We'll keep answering to Mr. and Mrs. Kent if that's what's most comfortable to you, but, uh . . ."

"You . . . want me to switch to your first names?"

"Well, sure, I guess you can call us by our first names if you want. But I was actually going to say . . . well, I know how things are with your father, and I know you haven't had a mother for a long time. And we, uh . . . we love you like a son, Lex. If you wanted to call us . . . you know . . ."

Lex's eyes widened. "Oh! . . . Um . . ."

Jonathan worried that he'd brought it up a little too soon. "Just . . . think about it, okay?"

Lex nodded. "I will."

"In the meantime, I hope you won't mind if I keep calling you son."

"I don't mind." Lex smiled.

Clark peeked his head into the living room. "Hey, Mom says to come in for dinner."

Jonathan smiled. "We'll be right there, Clark."

Clark nodded and headed back to the kitchen, and Jonathan stood. Lex followed close behind.

"I'm sorry to hear things fell behind on the farm this week," Lex said. "Can I help you catch up on chores?"

Jonathan shook his head, smiling a little. "You've got 2500 employees counting on you to keep the plant open, and a PR nightmare to deal with, what with you getting yourself arrested. I can take care of the farm."

Lex smiled. "I'll make you proud."

This time, Jonathan did put a hand on his shoulder. "I have no doubt of that, son."