Chapter 31 - The Departure

Heero POV

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He realized that he didn't want to live anymore.

He freed himself of all these shitty feelings that accompany humans while dealing with death; he felt no fear, regret, or longing. No excitement, relief, or impatience either. He felt nothing - maybe except for the anxiety that he would miss that moment when he would break the chains of this miserable life. He wanted to experience death. She seemed better than life; everything was better.

He killed a man again… many men. Just like yesterday, the day before yesterday, two days ago, a week ago, a month ago. In a world suffering from the dreadful pandemic, where living through every day was the result of superhuman effort and God's spark, he would cut the threads of human lives, break them, burn, annihilate.

He was fed up with life, this prolonging torture, dying in installments. As if he had stood for a long time at the threshold of a dark room. Only one step separated him from diving into the dark. Into the soothing silence and darkness... All he had to do was make a single step and close the door.

But killing himself would have been too easy. And wrongful towards all those he had killed.

Rolling back the already hunger rations had turned out to be the last straw that broke the camel's back. The zone had rebelled against the army and FEDRA. No government longer existed in the city. Despite this, there was still not enough food. Subsequent groups of rebels, so unite in the first days of the revolution, now continued on splitting like cells into smaller and smaller ones, then started hunting one the other - to get a little more food. Pulling the whole city into fratricidal battle.

As if a deadly virus wasn't enough.

The city was burning around him, for the fifth day. Bloodred flames consumed every building that still stood, every street, every man, every infected. A glow of red light was the only streetlight that illuminated the way, the subway entrances resembled the gates to the inferno. Clouds of thick, black smoke obscured the sky for another day so that it was impossible to tell whether it was day or night. The streets turned into a battlefield, corpses were rotting right where they fell, twisted in scary poses. There was heard an unbearable, deafening, endless buzz of countless swarms of flies. The towering, trembling shadows of either men or infected kept passing by under the walls of the ruins and makeshift barricades. Their screams were reflected endlessly in the streets, acquiring a terrible tone, like voices from the depths of hell.

He was starving, but his stomach no longer took any food. His lungs and insides were filled with black smoke, he coughed with the black ick mixed with blood, continually feeling a metallic taste in his mouth. As if he was rotting from the inside. Acid, toxic rain flowed down his forehead and neck, irritated his eyes and nostrils, devoured in glowing, open wounds. His body was covered with lots of small injuries that wouldn't heal.

He was glad he didn't stumble on an opportunity to see his face; he probably wouldn't have recognized himself.

He clenched his eyes as if it was enough to not see any of this anymore. Clutching his rifle in his arms, he wrapped his legs and arms around it and propped his forehead against cold metal like a pillow. He tried to fall asleep at least for a moment, with the cold brick wall of the dilapidated house behind his back. Just a few more minutes before somebody will shake him abruptly by his shoulder, maybe give him a kick or punch, make him shoot again. At who? For what reason? What side he was fighting on, exactly? Did it make any difference still?

He turned twenty this year and was still alive. Death wasn't coming to him, though he was ready. She was surely offended at him.

How much he hated himself…

…how much he wanted to die already.

x

Next morning

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Slowly scratching with a pencil angular, small letters on a piece of paper soaked in morning dew, Heero suddenly hesitated for a moment. He raised his head from the tiny sheet of paper that he had spread over his thigh and gazed outside through the small, smudged stables' window.

He had always avoided unnecessary and decorative words or gestures. He never understood their significance, nor he ever needed them, and so he had underestimated their importance. So, it seemed strange, almost suspicious, writing about such unarguable things in the letter. The first he had written in his life.

Heero bit his lip, hesitating again, surveying his thoughts with bitter judgment, almost incredulity as if they belonged to someone else. After a moment, however, he made a sigh, and, facing the paper again, he finished the sentence he had begun.

Then, all of a sudden, a tall, bay-colored stallion with white markings that had been standing calmly right next to him nuzzled his hooves nervously and tossed his head sideways, tugging at the bit.

"Hey, easy," Heero lifted his head and reassured his unruly companion quietly, to which the horse responded with exasperated nickering. The animal was probably right; it was already time. Heero negligently rolled up his scrap of paper around some object, and slipped it into the chest pocket of his jeans jacket, then walked up to his steed, stepping carefully on the straw that filled the loosebox.

Suspecting that the harness was buckled too tight, Heero loosened the straps; it apparently calmed the animal. He patted the horse on its smooth neck, drawing his fingers in its black mane, then put on the saddle. The saddle he had got was a mess: the rug was old, worn-out in a few places, and the rusty belt on the girth seemed as if it was about to break, making a metallic sound when fastened. The whole saddling procedure, due to the fatal condition of the equipment, lasted too long, and eventually, the horse began stamping his hooves nervously on the ground and snorting.

"I know," Heero grunted, finally slamming the disobedient strap around the girth, "to be honest, I don't want to go either. But I guess we're stuck with each other."

The horse snorted even more so disapprovingly at his words as if it meant 'that's my line, man' and Heero couldn't help but chuckle shortly under his breath.

Having fastened his small inventory to the saddle, Heero eventually opened the loosebox and led the horse out of the stable. Although it was still pale dawn, and the sun was hidden behind the horizon, Evergreen was already busy. More armed men led their saddled horses out of the stable, stopping them on a large square just before the gate. They packed their weapons, the rest of their supplies, checked their harnesses and saddles for the last time.

Heero stopped his horse on the marginal of a group of hunters then looked around while busing his hands by correcting the length of his stirrups. The morning fog still lingered above the meadows behind the gate, and its clouds broke through the walls of the settlement, dancing around the silhouettes flashing in the morning twilight, slowly emerging from the surrounding buildings.

"Your guns."

Hearing these words, Heero looked over his shoulder. Trowa was standing right behind him, dressed in a green wind jacket, holding a rifle, a shotgun, and two guns. Heero immediately recognized them as his property.

"I almost thought you wanted me to kill the infected with my bare hands."

Trowa grimaced while passing him the weapons. "Don't be ridiculous."

"Wouldn't dare in your presence."

Trowa seemed to ignore the comment, then turned to leave. "Get ready. We're leaving in a few minutes."

Heero accompanied him with his gaze, then started checking his weapons. The square around him quickly filled up. Women and children approached the men and hugged each other. Evergreen was surely a safe home to so many freely emerging families. It was clear that those children, who ran freely between buildings during the day, had specific fathers and mothers, although they seemed to belong to no one and to everyone in general. In Evergreen, these single bonds were just as outstanding as the bond with the group as a whole.

Refilling the ammunition, Heero caught himself several times, glancing involuntarily toward the women's dormitory; he scolded himself inwardly for that and tightened the strap on the shotgun.

He noticed Catherine that was approaching Trowa with her head bowed in a mourning note. She stopped a few meters from him, while he was adjusting the harness, on the other side of the horse's head and stroked its nostrils. With a slight dose of curiosity, or maybe wanting to chase away the thoughts tormenting him, Heero watched them from afar. Although Catherine's eyes were hidden behind loosely falling auburn hair, it was apparent she was saying something to Trowa. The man listened to her with his head down, checking the harness straps, then looked up, and they both gazed into each other's eyes for a long moment.

Turning his head away from them, Heero faced his own stallion and clipped his guns and shotgun to the saddle. Then he noticed Quatre as he was approaching through the crowd, shaking hands of the surrounding men, patting them on their shoulders. There was no doubt that he was saying goodbye. He alone stayed in Evergreen, on guard.

The blond-haired man finally reached Heero. He patted the horse's smooth neck.

"His name is Zero. He's a good horse, take care of him," he said. "Good luck."

Heero nodded slightly, wondering quietly who had this crazy idea to name a horse with such a strange name. Then Quatre smiled and passed him by, walking towards the others.

"I hope you won't go back on your word," Heero said ominously after him.

Quatre stopped, then looked over his shoulder at Heero.

"I won't. You have my word," he said solemnly. Heero turned, giving the man a searching look. Quatre turned his head away from him for a moment, then looked at Heero again. "I have to go to say goodbye to others. Good luck," he said, turning on his heel.

"There is one more thing."

Quatre stopped at those Heero's words and turned to look at him curiously.

"Say it."

"No matter what happens to me," Heero muttered, "don't let her go looking for me. Or for what's left of me."

Quatre looked at Heero, his soft eyes glowing for the first time. Then he walked close to Heero, leaning toward him conspiratorially.

"I can't promise you that," he whispered. "If I did, I would have to admit then that I'm allowing the possibility that the group won't come back together. I can't do that."

Heero gritted his teeth but tilted his head a bit in Quatre's direction.

"I understand."

Quatre gave Heero one last gentle look.

"I get it, anyway. I won't let anything bad happen to her. Nor let her do anything stupid," he narrowed his eyes at Heero. "But don't even think about not coming back. Don't even think about making her suffer over your death."

Then Quatre turned on his heel and acted as if he wanted to head towards Trowa, but he noticed that Trowa was still talking to Catherine. He stopped in a half step, suddenly heading towards the center of the square. As soon as he entered it, the square became quiet; everyone was waiting for what he would say.

Quatre looked around at everyone present. At first, his face was marked with nervousness and concern, but then his expression changed.

"In the history of every paradise on Earth came a moment when its inhabitants had to stand up for it," he said, looking at those present. "Just like you, I would prefer that this day never came. Neither now, neither ever before and ever in the future."

Zero bowed his head with a short snort as if he had already heard that expose. Meanwhile, Heero crossed his arms on his chest and looked at the people around him. Everyone listened to Quatre carefully, though with undisguised anxiety in their eyes. After a few days at Evergreen, Heero already knew how unfortunate and tragic the previous hunts were, which had already taken place four times.

All the same, he had to agree that it was undoubtedly the only way to keep Evergreen safe. Otherwise, an increased population of infected would storm the gates and bring an end to this paradise. Though common sense dictated going out of safety to face a threat, tangible anxiety and fear were visible in the eyes of each of the men in the group.

"A few days ago, you all saw with your own eyes how many infected people had appeared in the city of Evergreen," Quatre continued, keeping his eyes on Heero for a moment. "Plus, our scouts reported that the situation in Castleberry and Lenox is tragic. Infected are arriving, probably moving through the state in search of food. I need you to keep in mind, although my heart shudders at the very thought of it, that those may be survivors, like us, from fallen paradises. Paradises that their inhabitants failed to defend."

A light morning breeze ruffled Heero's hair and roared in his ears when he suddenly sensed a rustle behind him. After a second, two delicate, slim arms wrapped around his waist, and he felt the touch of the precious contour of the beloved face on his back.

"Don't turn around," he heard a thin, familiar voice behind him.

He didn't turn around. He looked down at her delicate hands, his nostrils filled with the subtle, fresh scent of her skin. He didn't even notice when Relena had approached him, and now her presence almost pulled him out of reality. Her closeness was a relief but turned the farewell much tougher simultaneously.

"I want you to remember why you're going," Quatre measured all those present with his bright eyes. "Although we call it hunting, it isn't one. You do not go look for food. You do not go to shoot for fun. This is not a sport." Quatre suspended his voice for a moment, letting his words reach even the furthest corner of the square. "You are going to war. A war to defend what is most precious to you. Life. Hope. And everything you love. Everything you want to live for."

Heero felt Relena's arms tighten around him at those words. He sensed that she trembled slightly, challenging to say whether it was because of fear or because of the morning chill. Then he sensed that she pressed her cheek against the particular spot at the level of his shoulder blade, where a stitched hole was still visible. She caressed the spot where he had been shot, nestling up to him, to his back, her knees lightly rubbing his calves. Heero placed both his hands on hers and entwined their fingers, only causing her to snuggle closer to him. Her hands were cold and sweated.

"I'm not considering any other possibility than that all of you, who set off today, will return," Quatre continued, looking at those present. "You know what you have to do. We're waiting for you here, in Evergreen."

Quatre finished his expose and never waiting for that applause that resounded all over he left his oratory spot and headed to where Trowa was standing. The two men looked into each other's eyes for a long time, then hugged each other tightly like brothers. Long. Long enough that Catherine, that was standing right next to the horse all this time, suddenly bowed her head and slowly backed away. In the end, Quatre left Trowa and turned away to say goodbye to the other participants.

Heero glanced back over his shoulder. Relena didn't look up at him, still pressing her face to his back. He gently untangled her arms from his waist, turning around to face her. That moment she finally tilted her head up. Her eyes were still slightly red after she had been crying earlier at night, her cheeks inflamed, the cerulean blue of her bottomless eyes dimmed. She looked at him worriedly.

As they stood, none of them said a word.

"On your horses, gentlemen!" Trowa suddenly shouted, already sitting in a saddle.

This signal started a loud commotion in the square. People fell into each other's last embrace, they kissed, they swore eternal feelings and wished good luck. More and more men climbed their horses and stood at the gate to Evergreen. Women and children watched them, standing on the edge of the square.

So they were parting. For the first time since leaving Philadelphia, more than five months ago already, he was leaving her. Five months ago, he wouldn't have hesitated in a similar situation to make such a decision; however, nothing was more the same.

Relena grasped him by his jacket.

"This is not goodbye, remember?" she whispered. She gazed at him with sharp, fierce eyes. It was an intense look, devoured of any doubt. Heero remembered that was how she had looked at him the day they had met.

He cupped Relena's face, but she shrugged his hand and snaked her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. He held her tight, lifting off the ground, plunging his hands in her hair. His chest filled with the familiar warmth he felt whenever she was close and which was becoming addictive. Along with this, he suddenly felt a strange feeling.

Fear.

He feared death - for the first time in his life.

He wanted to live. He finally had a reason.

This realization triggered fear in him.

More and more men on horseback were passing their standing silhouettes, marching toward the gate, like a river flowing around protruding boulders. Heero could hear hoof beating behind the gates, and hasty commands in his ears, and Trowa's urging… The atmosphere around them was getting tense, full of expectation. They couldn't linger any longer.

"Go," Relena said shakily into his ear, pushing him gently away from her, letting him go and making a single step back, her voice trembling.

Looking into her ocean depts, Heero pulled an object from his jacket pocket, casually wrapped in a piece of paper, and pressed it into her hand. Relena shot her eyes at him with surprise, as if she wanted to say anything. She fell silent, however, drawing only a nervous breath, when Heero bent his head and kissed her hand, holding it between both of his, gently closing the grip of her fingers around the object.

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I hoped that you would survive as long as possible. That maybe you will survive this hell. That maybe in this damn world, you will find some happiness.

Act on your emotions, Heero. Just like I did.

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"Heero…"

"Stay safe, Relena," he whispered, his breath warming the skin on her knuckles.

Then he pulled back and let go of her.

He stood at an angle to the side of his horse, rested his left foot on the stirrup and having grasped both sides of the saddle, he climbed the horse with one quick leap. Zero flung his head violently, letting out a nervous neigh. Heero grabbed the reins with one hand and turned the horse around to face Relena one last time. He looked down at her as she stood helplessly, tugging her hands to her chest, one of which was clenching the slim object.

He clenched his teeth and pulled his right rein, while pressing his right calf against the side of the horse, turning with his back to her. When the main gate opened, and the group rode with a quick trot outside, Heero remembered the moment when he left Relena upstairs in her parents' home in Washington.

Now, just like that time, he couldn't turn around anymore, for there was no force on Earth that would allow him to leave her then.

x

Meantime

The fog was spilled on the meadows and forests like a cloud that had fallen from the sky. Grave silence resounded all around, the birds hadn't sung yet, and the morning chill painfully bit into the skin. The world seemed suspended between day and night, between being a black and white movie and one filmed in Technicolor. The sun was still hidden over the horizon when a group of Fireflies left the suburbs of another deserted town of Alabama and made a short stop at one of the hills just outside the city.

A tall, long-haired man came out to the head of the group and scanned the horizon through the binoculars. He was silent for a long moment, staring somewhere far beyond the distant meadows, at a darkening point that was slowly emerging from the fog, its contours sharpening.

Dorothy Catalonia left the group and came up to the man, looking in the exact same direction.

"…what's that?"

The man pushed the binoculars away for a moment and frowned into the distance with his pale blue eyes.

"Look, Dorothy," he muttered, passing her the binoculars. "Such a view isn't to be seen often now. Miserable attempts to restore normality despite everything... resistant like sandcastles on the beach."

Dorothy looked through the binoculars for a moment, and staring at that strange, dark point beyond the meadows, she snorted softly.

"I didn't realize such places still exist."

The tall man was silent, gazing at the horizon with his celadon eyes. The morning wind that suddenly rose over the meadows began to sweep away the fog, the sky in the east began to turn a golden hue. The man narrowed his eyes and leaned his arms on his knee.

"Something's happening," Dorothy murmured with apparent excitation, as she sharpened her view through the binoculars, "I see horses… a large group is currently leaving the settlement," she muttered, "they're armed…"

Dorothy pushed the binoculars away from her eyes and let out a devilish giggle.

"Wanna give it a try?" she asked. "It should be an easy bite."

The tall man smiled ominously.

"Tempting…"

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TBC

Will something terrible happen? Will Evergreen be attacked by the Fireflies…?

I always loved the idea about Heero riding a horse - it surely had the origin in the anime episode. When writing this chapter, I could remember all those equipment details, as I had been doing horseback riding too. So it was a bit melancholic for me. And Heero on the horse is just one of the sexiest things I could imagine.

And yes, the horse's name is Zero… that probably made you laugh, as much as I did :) But I thought this is a suitable name for him, as he'll become his companion from now on.

What's in the note Heero's been scratching in the stables? Any guesses? What can I say… you need to wait just a little bit more to find out… It's probably easy to find out what he gave to Relena, but what did he wrote in the note?

And I must state, that Heero kissing Relena's hand is sort of my favorite headcanon…

If you liked the story so far or disliked it, please let me know by leaving a review. I love reading your feedback, it gives me many hints about things I should pay more attention to, things that you consider important - everything that makes me feel a part of this great community of 1xR lovers.

Stay safe,

~enelle