This one is for imadeanaccountnow on AO3, who requested shenanigans with magical creatures :) Thank you for the idea!
Audible gasps and coos drift up from the class as tiny furballs tumble into the world, mewling and squealing. Yuliy squats down with a small smile, letting one of the little kittens nibble curiously at his finger. The others will surely tease him for seemingly being a 'cat person' later, but they're just so cute.
"Now," says the Care of Magical Creatures professor over the hubbub, "who can tell me the difference between a kneazle and an ordinary house cat?"
Yuliy winces as the kitten climbs its way up his sleeve, digging its little claws into the cloth, and he props it up with his other hand, afraid to let it fall. Its large ears and plumed tail tickle his skin as it clambers onto his shoulder and looks around with a smug expression, as if immensely proud of its achievement. He scratches its head with one finger, and the force of its purr is enough to be felt through his shoulder.
"Hi," he whispers, and the kitten flops down, deciding that his shoulder makes an adequate resting spot.
He catches a flash of brown as Ryouko kneels down next to him, beaming. "That's so cute," she whispers, looking absolutely smitten. She reaches out a hand, only for the kitten to skitter to Yuliy's opposite shoulder with something that sounds suspiciously like a 'hmph'. "Aww…"
He smiles apologetically. "Cats are…" Philip comes to mind immediately. "...very contrary. I'm sure you did nothing wrong."
o0o0o
Nursing a scratched hand and a bruised ego, Philip slouches into Willard's classroom to find the others waiting for him. "Hey…"
Dorothea, who's reading with her feet kicked up on an adjacent desk, looks up with an amused wrinkled nose.
"What's got your knickers in a bunch?" she asks, not sounding particularly concerned about it.
Neither of them bat an eye when an explosion goes off somewhere in Fallon's vicinity, and Philip sighs, tossing his bag on an empty desk. "You would not believe the morning I had."
"Hey, Philip, you got another deck of Exploding Snap?"
"Yeah, yeah…" He trudges past Yuliy and his homework, and he catches a glimpse of big ears and plumed tails. "You guys are doing kneazles too?"
"Mmm." He glances up, and then down at the scratches on Philip's hands. "I suppose you caught the business end of their claws?"
"Shut up," he mutters, hunching his shoulders with a scowl. "I don't even get it. I'm a cat person, through and through!"
A wicked smirk curves at the blond's lips as he pivots around Yuliy's desk, leaning back against the adjacent one. "I bet they loved you, what with you being a mutt and all."
He's mildly confused when that doesn't get the rise that he would've usually expected out of the young werewolf, who just looks up with a deadpan expression. Confused, he keeps eye contact for a few moments, wondering what the hell is going through Yuliy's head.
And then a furry head pops out of Yuliy's hood and innocently meows.
Philip screams and nearly falls over the desk behind him trying to get away. "Yuliy, watch out! There's a—a thing! Don't move!"
The little devil blinks at him with wide, innocent doe eyes, slowly curling its claws into the edge of Yuliy's hood, and meows again, showing off its shiny white fangs. Philip, who has stared down legions of vampires, flown a broom through a literal hail of spells and bullets, and laughed in the face of death many times in his young life, meeps.
As if completely oblivious, Yuliy glances behind him and reaches back to scratch the kitten's head, and Philip's jaw drops to the floor, along with his wand.
"I went back to visit them this morning after you had your class, and this one wouldn't let me leave without it, so the professor let me look after it for today," he explains with a shrug, as if he isn't harboring the devil incarnate in the back of his hood.
"That—that—that little bloodthirsty monster chewed up my hand!" Philip screeches.
Yuliy just shrugs, smiling when the kitten nuzzles his hand, pushing its ears back, and Philip scowls.
"I don't even get it!" he whines indignantly. "My patronus—my spirit animal—is a cat! Yours is a dog."
"Wolf."
"Same difference!"
Again, Yuliy shrugs indifferently. "Cats are very intelligent, especially kneazles," he says with a straight face. "I'm sure you just did something wrong."
In the back of his throat, Philip makes a little screechy sound, and the kitten mewls, wriggling back into Yuliy's hood, and the werewolf frowns. "You're scaring it."
"I—wh—I'm scaring it?!"
The kitten blinks piteously at Philip with big eyes, but Philip's not buying the act.
"It's just waiting for me to let my guard down!" he snaps, crossing his arms; he refuses to back down in the face of this lowly intimidation. "Well, I'm not going to! I see those little claws. You can't fool me, you little hairball!"
"Kittens can't retract their claws voluntarily until they're about a month old-"
"I don't care!"
And then, right before his eyes, the kitten withdraws its claws with a snick—and then puts them back out, curling menacingly into the fabric of Yuliy's robes, and Philip's jaw drops.
"It just—it just did i!" he squeaks, gesturing frantically at the little devil. "It's fooling you! It's pretending to be this helpless, cute, fluffy little thing, but it's not, it's-"
"I think you might be overreacting," Yuliy deadpans, giving him a look that says he thinks Philip is crazy, which, for the record, Philip does not appreciate.
"I am not overreacting! I'm a cat person! Literally! I know these things!"
A quiet, slightly amused cough from Willard interrupts the proceedings.
"As entertaining as this is," he says dryly, "I'd prefer it if you take the shouting matches outside. I have work to do."
Frustrated that no one is taking him seriously, Philip growls, only for the kitten to suddenly clamber out of Yuliy's hood. In all its fake kitten-like adorableness, it clumsily drops to the floor and skitters closer to Philip, who immediately scampers away with a squeak-
Only to suddenly remember that his wand is still on the floor where he dropped it.
The kitten stops next to the wand, blinks at it, and blinks at Philip, who meeps again.
"Okay," he squeaks, slowly dropping to his knees, "that's my wand...I need it back. It's not a toy."
As if it doesn't know exactly what Philip's talking about, the kitten stares at the wand, then blinks at him, plumed tail swishing, and he tries to paste on an encouraging smile.
"Yeah, that's right," he agrees, reaching out a hand slowly. "Here, kitty kitty...be a good kitty…" He is very aware that the others are watching with poorly hidden (or not hidden at all) amusement, being absolutely no use at all, whatsoever.
The kitten picks up the wand delicately in its jaws and pads slowly towards Philip, who beams. See, he's definitely a cat person. "That's a good kitty!"
And then it books it out the open window, with Philip's wand in tow.
Yuliy jumps two rows of desks and bolts to the window, catching a glimpse of the little kitten in the tree next to the window before Philip sticks his head out next to him frantically.
"Where is it? Where did it go?!" he demands.
"Calm down, it's in the tree," Yuliy says, pointing to where it's clinging to a branch, a malicious glint in its eyes. "Thank goodness it didn't get hurt."
"Great!" he exclaims sarcastically, throwing his hands up. "Did we forget it's still got my wand?"
The kitten meows again. Philip swears it's laughing at him. Like a squirrel, it swarms down the tree and takes off, and he makes a squeaky sound in the back of his throat.
Yuliy yelps when Philip snags a handful of his robes. "Hey-"
"You're the one who summoned that little devil, so you're the one who's gonna help me get my wand back from it!"
"I didn't summon-"
"I don't care!"
o0o0o
"How did it get up there?!"
From the roof of one of the greenhouses, the kitten cheerfully stares down at them, tail swishing merrily. Ignoring Philip's spluttering, it starts walking along the center beam of the roof, and the blond scrambles after it.
"Can't you do an accio or something?" he demands, turning to Yuliy, who regards his own wand with a detached look of intrigue.
"I could," he agrees, and puts his wand away.
Philip makes a distinctly cat-like growl, and Yuliy helpfully points out, "It's in a tree now."
The branch underneath the kitten bounces slightly as it walks onto it with a spring in its step, and Philip yelps when he realizes where it is.
"Don't you dare drop my wand!" he exclaims as the kitten wanders out over the Black Lake. "I swear on Merlin's pants, if you drop it-"
He squeaks when the kitten dangles the wand over the lake with one claw, and he could swear that thing is grinning at him with more sadism than every Dark Lord in history combined.
"Yuliy!" he hisses, gesturing wildly at the kitten. "Help me get it back!"
"It's just playing," the young werewolf says with a shrug, looking rather amused by the whole situation. "Also, it's getting away again."
"What?!"
Philip turns to see the furball streaking through the field, with his wand still clamped between its jaws, and with a frustrated screechy sound, he gives chase, internally cursing his lack of physical strength and endurance.
By contrast, Yuliy isn't even out of breath, likely owing to his werewolf blood, by the time they chase the little devil all the way to the Quidditch pitch. He looks much like he's just taking a leisurely stroll around the grounds, and Philip would've tried to throttle him if a) he had his wand, and b) he wasn't currently trying to get it back from a creature that is probably, in all honesty, distantly related to a basilisk or a chimaera, given how much enjoyment it seems to get out of torturing him.
"Where...is...it?" he manages to gasp out, hunched over on his knees as he tries to regain his breath.
Yuliy looks around, brow furrowing in confusion. "I'm...not sure, as a matter of—oh."
Mopping sweat out of his eyes, Philip glances up to see Yuliy pointing...up.
At the goalposts.
Where the kitten is perched, somehow, still with Philip's wand in its possession.
It meows faintly, and Philip just about loses his mind.
"How did it get up there?!" he squawks for the second time today. "Yuliy, give me your wand."
"What? No."
Philip sighs. He hadn't expected Yuliy to agree anyways; most witches and wizards, including Philip, are very possessive over the primary conduit for their magic.
"Well, how else am I supposed to get it down from there?" he asks exasperatedly.
Yuliy looks around thoughtfully before his face transforms into an 'aha' expression. With a flick of his wand, he Summons a Comet broom from the storage shed, and Philip glares flatly at the rickety old thing.
"It's not like you need speed for this," Yuliy says with an indifferent shrug.
Without another word, Philip quickly mounts the broom and kicks off, wincing as the stupidly slow broom lists to the right slightly before he manages to wrench it back in the right direction. He guides it to where the kitten is perched in the hoop of the middle goalpost, tentatively reaching out a hand.
"Come on, it's dangerous up there," he says, trying to drift closer and closer without alarming the thing. "Just let me get you down...and maybe get my wand back too…"
A gust of wind suddenly pushes Philip and his broom sideways, and the kitten squeaks and falls backwards off the goalposts.
There's a shout of alarm from below as Yuliy breaks into a sprint, rushing for the base of the goalposts. But just before the kitten hits the ground, there's a flash of light from Philip's wand, and the kitten finds itself tumbling in slow motion down to the ground, where it lands with a soft meep.
Philip gapes at the scene; meanwhile, Yuliy beams at the kitten and crouches to pet its head affectionately, cooing praises and endearments as the furball soaks up all the attention.
Finally shaking off his shock, Philip shouts, "Hey!" as he guides the broom into a dive.
Immediately, the kitten dashes off again, and Philip nearly falls face-first onto the ground as he lands.
"Why didn't you grab the wand?" he demands incredulously, stomping up to Yuliy, who shrugs sheepishly, looking unbothered.
"I...forgot?" he says awkwardly, and Philip facepalms.
o0o0o
Deeply regretting bringing Yuliy along, because all he's doing is being very not helpful, Philip staggers to a stop at the top of a hill, panting with his hands braced against his knees. Squinting into the bright afternoon sun, he desperately scans the fields for some glimpse of the monster.
As if toying with him, the kitten meows from further away, eyes glittering as it turns and streaks off, with Philip in hot pursuit and Yuliy tagging along, not even trying to hide his amusement anymore.
"I thought dogs were supposed to be the playful idiots," Philip complains, trying to force as much venom into his tone as possible, but it's a little hard when he's trying to catch his breath—and his breath seems to be winning the race.
Yuliy just shrugs, unbothered by the jab. "Cats can have fun too. Their favorite activity appears to be watching you suffer."
"I hate you."
"Hey," Yuliy says suddenly, pointing with one slender finger, "that's the professor's hut. Maybe you can ask for help."
"Finally," he gasps, starting to make his way towards the hut, "you have a good idea for once."
The Care professor is working in his garden, and the kneazle mom is sitting on a fence post, sunbathing. While Yuliy gives her head scritches, Philip staggers over to the professor, who, to his chagrin, seems to find his tale of woe more amusing than deserving of sympathy.
"Well, you know how felines are," he laughs, leaning on a shovel lackadaisically. "They're free spirits, they do what they want."
"That doesn't help me!"
At the sound of another meow, they turn to see the little kitten perched on top of a giant pumpkin by the side of the hut, still with Philip's wand in possession. It nimbly jumps out of the way of his attempt to grab it, only for the kneazle mom to snatch it up by the scruff.
At a stern meow from the mother, the kitten reluctantly drops the wand on the ground, at long last ending its reign of terror.
Philip could've cried in relief. "Oh, thank Merlin!" He squats down, reaching out for the wand, feeling a certain vindictive satisfaction at the sullen look on the kitten's face. "See, mother knows best-"
And then the mother drops the kitten, snatches the wand up, and streaks past Philip, and Yuliy barks out a laugh in the background.
"HEY!"
Does Philip ever get his wand back? Who knows? ;P