FIVE YEARS
Chapter 12
She sits down on the sofa and immediately notices a large leather-bound photo album on the coffee table. She picks it up and tentatively opens the cover which reveals a simple, but beautifully embossed wedding invitation.
"Together with their families
Molly Dawes & Charles James
Request the pleasure of your company at their marriage
Friday 26 March 2015, 3pm
Bailbrook House Hotel, Bath
Followed by dinner, drinks and dancing
RSVP"
She contemplates this new information. They've not talked about their wedding yet; although she already knew the date from the inscription on her wedding ring. This tells her the where. She's vaguely aware that Bath is somewhere in the West Country, knows that it is a popular tourist destination but not much else. It's incredible to think that she would have got married somewhere other than the East End. It's another sign of just how dramatically the direction of her life must have changed when she got together with him. He's talked about how much she has influenced him but it is obvious that he has had a hugely significant impact on her too. The transformation from the terrified, gobby young girl she was on that first tour to the confident, accomplished woman he has told her she has become is beyond astonishing. She hardly recognises this grown-up version of herself. What if she can't be that person now? What if he decides he doesn't want to be with this broken version of her former self? Why can't she remember the events which have shaped her? Everyone says your wedding day is one of the happiest days of your life but what if she looks at the album and remembers nothing? She's not sure she can cope with that.
She hears him coming in and hastily puts down the photo album.
He gives her a happy smile as he passes her a tray and settles down next to her.
"Bon appetit!"
"Thanks. Looks great."
He nods at the table.
"See you've found our wedding album. I thought we could have a look at it after dinner?"
"Maybe."
He looks at her questioningly.
"You ok?"
"Yes, just not sure I'm ready to look at it yet.."
She can see he tries to hide it, but the flicker of disappointment on his face is unmistakeable.
"Oh…ok"
She immediately feels terrible and attempts to explain.
"I want to, I really do, but there's still so much I don't know…. we've not really talked about what happened after Afghan…. how we got together. I just feel like I need to know more about us before I look at it. Does that make any sense?"
Although he nods and smiles, she can see he's putting on a brave face at her rejection of his suggestion.
"Yes, of-course, there's no need to explain. You're right… there is no rush."
-OG-
She puts down her knife and fork, determined to break the awkward silence which has accompanied dinner.
"Thank you … that really was delicious."
He moves to stand up and take her tray, also seemingly eager to get away from the uncomfortable atmosphere she's inadvertently created.
"No problem. Can I get you anything else?"
"No, I'm fine."
She knows she's hurt him, which is the last thing she wants to do. As tough as this is for her, he's stuck with someone who can't remember anything about their life together. She reaches over to touch his arm.
"Please, don't go. I'm sorry, I know this is difficult for you too. We said we'd be honest with each other…. I'm just scared stiff that if I can't remember the person I've become over these last five years…. that maybe you'll decide you don't want to be with me after all….. and over the past few days I've found myself, really rather…. fond of you… all over again."
"Oh Molly…. please don't think like that. I fell in love with the you of that first tour…. Although you don't remember… I even declared it to you on our first date."
"Really?"
"Yes, and you told me that I didn't know you…. that I only knew the you on tour. I said that you can only see the tip of an iceberg, but you know it's an iceberg."
She smirks, recognising something oddly familiar about his explanation.
"You called me an iceberg?"
He grins and snorts.
"That's what you said at the time….. in retrospect it was a clumsy analogy, but I knew enough to know that I loved you… and that hasn't changed. Yes, you've changed over the years, we both have, but we're still the same people underneath."
"Where was our first date?"
"In Bath, at a restaurant called The Cloisters."
"Bath?"
"Yes, it's where I grew up and where my parents still live. I went to stay with them when I was discharged from the QEH. You travelled up from London on the train to visit me. It was the first time we met away from the confines of the Army. When you walked into the restaurant, you took my breath away and turned quite a few heads. You were wearing a simple, but stunningly elegant dress, a pair of killer heels and your hair was down. I felt like the luckiest man alive… did wonders for my ego too."
"Yeah, it was pretty strange seeing you in civvies when I woke up from my accident…"
"Yes I can imagine. Until that day, the closest I'd ever seen you to civvie clothes was your bloody West Ham t-shirt and army regulation PE shorts."
"Oi, I love that shirt."
"Oh, don't get me wrong, I've always been pretty partial to that particular look too."
There is no mistaking the meaning of his words and she feels herself blushing in return. Mostly though, she's relieved that they seem to have got back on track and returned to their easy banter.
"I want to hear more about our first date… but first tell me what happened after the shooting, after you were med-evac'd back to Bastion… and onto QEH."
-OG-
He takes a deep breath, slightly apprehensive about telling her about this next part of their story, knowing it includes some recollections which are going to be painful for him to recount and for her to hear.
"Well, I don't remember this of course, but I was in a critical condition and had to be resuscitated twice in the MERT. The doctors at Bastion were astounded that you'd managed to keep me alive in the field. I had emergency surgery in Afghan before being transferred, along with Smurf, back to the UK… to the QEH. Meanwhile, you had to spend a week decompression in Cyprus with the rest of the lads, not really knowing what was going on. When you landed back at Brize you effectively went AWOL; got your parents to drive you up to Birmingham and came to see me in hospital. When you arrived I was in emergency surgery for an internal bleed … you were there when I woke up the next day. I couldn't quite believe my eyes, but I was so fucking happy to see you. We didn't have long together; Rebecca and Sam were there and 2-Section turned up too, but we made plans to keep in contact and see each other when I was discharged."
"Was Smurf there too, in hospital?"
"Yes, he was sort of your cover story. At that point, 2 Section assumed you were keen on him, so you going to the hospital didn't raise too many red flags and Kinders ably covered for you. Anyway, we all made our peace with each other. I think that's when Smurf finally accepted that his feelings for you were unrequited and that we were serious about each other. He didn't exactly give us his blessing, but he stepped away and respected your decision. Ultimately, your friendship was more important to him."
"Poor Smurf, we must have broken his heart. He worshipped you, I'll never forget the bollocking her gave me just after we'd arrived at Bastion and I called you a 'Rupert'. He told me that you were a better person than I'd ever be."
"Well he wasn't right about that. What happened on that bridge was my fault, it happened on my watch."
"From what you've told me, it sounds like Smurf lost control and if it was anyone's fault it was mine."
"Absolutely not. You were not to blame Molly. I was the officer and ultimately I failed Smurf, you and the platoon. I tried to resign my commission, but Beck wouldn't accept it."
"You didn't fail anyone."
It's not something they've spoken of much over the years, both agreeing early on in their relationship that there was nothing they could do to change the past, but even after all this time, he still holds himself responsible for what happened on the bridge.
"Maybe. Despite how it ended, Smurf was a good mate to you on that tour. He was a good soldier. I was proud to serve alongside him."
"Was a good soldier? So has he left the Army? What's the Welsh tosser up to these days? Still chasing girls or did he settle down?"
He dearly wishes he could spare her the blow he's about to deliver, but knows there is no way he can avoid telling her what happened.
"No, sadly not."
He watches as she becomes still and focussed; fear apparent on her face. It's as though she knows what is coming next.
"Why? …. What happened Charles?"
"I'm sorry Molly, but Smurf died. He collapsed from a brain haemorrhage soon after leaving hospital. You were with him at the time."
Her eyes brim with tears as she silently absorbs this news. He waits anxiously whilst she seems completely lost in her thoughts.
"We were at Upton Park."
Although her voice is small, there is no mistaking her words.
"Yes."
He watches helplessly as the tears start to roll down her face.
"I remember. I can see it happening. One minute he was messing around, pretending to score a goal, the next he was on the floor. I couldn't save him."
"No-one could have saved him. It was a tiny bleed, no-one noticed."
"I should have noticed."
He reaches out in an attempt to comfort her but she moves away and stands up, wiping away her tears.
"I think that's enough reminiscing for one day. I'm going to go and tidy up the kitchen."
She quickly grabs the trays.
He starts to get up.
"I'll help."
"No, if you don't mind…. I'd like to be alone for a little while….. I need to sort my nut out."
Before he can respond, she is gone. Although his instinct is to go after her, to try to help her and ease her pain, he knows better than to interfere. For as long as he's known her, she's used cleaning and tidying as a form of therapy; something which has seen her through difficult times. He knows he has no option but to wait out and trust that she will come back to him when she's ready.
-OG-
He's stretched out, fast asleep, on the sofa by the time she comes back. She gently shakes him.
"Charles!"
His eyes snap open.
"Hey, you alright?"
She makes to sit down as he shuffles his body to make space for her.
"Yes, I am. It was just a bit of a shock finding out about Smurf… but I do remember him dying. I also remember his funeral… you reading Under Milk Wood, Candy's grief, us talking in the churchyard….. me telling you that I was going back to Afghan."
"You had to go."
He's surprised when she leans forward and places a light kiss on his lips.
"But I came back to you."
He places his hands on the back of her head and brings her close to return her kiss with one of his own.
"Yes, you did. You turned up on my parent's doorstep, three months later….. Do you remember that as well?"
She pulls back and he releases his hold of her.
"No…. sorry"
She sits back, thinking for a moment.
"But I was thinking that perhaps we could go to Bath tomorrow. Would your parents mind us visiting?"
He laughs.
"You're joking right? They will be delighted…. they adore you and have been harassing me to allow them to visit ever since you woke up. I've been keeping them at bay as I didn't want to overwhelm you."
She looks slightly apprehensive.
"But they know I can't remember, yes?"
"Yes."
"Ok, that's settled. We'll go tomorrow."
She stands up, stretches and yawns and starts heading for the door.
"Right now, though I think it is bedtime for me."
He hesitates, unsure as whether he should follow her or not, aware that her statement didn't sound like an invitation.
"Oh, ok. Goodnight."
She leaves the room and he can hear her making her way up stairs.
He sits for a few minutes, before turning out the lights and heading to the kitchen to find his phone. He sends a quick text to his mum about their impending visit, knowing she'll want plenty of notice to prepare a special lunch to spoil Molly. He's engrossed in checking his other messages when he is startled by her voice.
"Are you coming to bed?"
He turns around, and sucks in a breath at the sight of her standing in the doorway, smiling coyly at him, wearing her West Ham shirt and PE shorts.
"Well, I didn't want to assume."
He feels himself start to harden as she slowly and deliberately approaches, stopping just in front of him.
His heartrate quickens as she places her hands on his chest before looking up at him, feigning innocence.
"What? You worried that I won't be able to keep my hands off you?"
He wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her closer against his growing erection before kissing her.
"Something like that… yes."
-OG-