In Pieces
This fic is a sort of companion piece to "Once More."
She couldn't—could not sleep, could not take the steps that would take her to her bed. She could not breathe. Her chest hurt, the ache burning with each intake of breath.
000
She knocked on the door, the soft rap of her knuckles echoing through the otherwise deserted hallway. Too empty. Too quiet. The sound of a clatter from beyond the door had her jerking up, pulling Hange away from her whirling thoughts. The curse that followed had her opening the door. Somewhere in her mind, a voice whispered that that was probably not the best idea after all that had happened. But coming here in the first place had also not been the best option. Possibly. Because the grief was just too raw. Too fresh to rein it all in behind their worn facades. Too huge to pretend.
She found Levi kneeling and bowed—bent over something so couldn't make out in the shadows of the scarce lit room. He didn't acknowledge her, but her feet carried her toward him as if they suddenly had found the strength they had missed just moments before.
"Are you alright?" She bit her lip hard, tasting metal, as she bent down, knees protesting with the movement, leaving enough space between the two of them. Stupid. Stupid question.
She eyed him. Levi still did not turn toward her, eyes on the object he was carefully handling. Then she turned her attention to the floor, and she felt her heart stutter painfully in her chest, the burning sensation elevated, sour bile at the back of her throat.
What lay scattered on the floor, were the Survey Corps badges. Even in the dim light, the crusted blood was visible.
"Levi..."
"Hange." He sounded stiff—cold nearly. And she swallowed. Yeah, not good, coming here. He continued, eyes forward. "What are you doing here?" A lump began to form in her throat. "I..." She faltered. "I couldn't sleep." Lame. Lame and stupid. But it was the truth. She couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe, could not—
"I see." He didn't, however. His words were apathetic—mind somewhere far away. Levi stood up, movements stiff and slow, and Hange followed him. He turned toward his desk to put down the small wooden box, the low glow of the candles illuminating his face for the first time. His expression was unreadable, complex even paler than usual; it was all pain and helplessness, screaming at her. And she couldn't do a damn thing to help. The detail that made her nearly go for a mad grab of his arm was the shimmer of light that glinted off his face. He started when her fingers closed around his bicep, nails digging. And she winced inwardly, but still pulling him toward her.
"Fuck, Hange, what—" She shook her head, throat clogged with too many emotions, there were no words, another hand coming up to grasp his other arm. They stayed like that, hesitant and in heavy silence. Levi sniffed, shoulders moving a bit with the action, face otherwise vacant and emotionless.
"Hange." His voice sounded a bit hoarse now (a bit unsteady). And she pulled him further toward her until she was able to lean her forehead on his shoulder. He didn't move—did not pull away—did not take a swing at her.
She breathed in, closing her aching but healthy eye, feeling it burn now too. Sweat, mud, the stale scent of blood, the faint fragrance of soap; it was calming, somehow. And familiar. Her healthy eye welled up and spilled over, leaving a small and wet patch on the fabric of the shirt beneath her cheek. She sniffed. Levi would not be pleased.
"You crying?" Hange felt Levi's arms come up a bit hesitantly, soft hands settling on her back.
"Sorry," she murmured, breath hitching on the word.
"Mh." He murmured, arms tightening around her
"I'm sorry." There were so many implications behind that seemingly simple word. But— She felt the heavy desperation crawl up, slowly and achingly. It made her want to scream. But the only thing she was able to do was to produce more tears, scalding, and mocking (it doesn't bring them back, it's useless), down the one side of her face, into the soft material underneath. Next, she felt a shudder run through the warm body beneath her palms—pressed against her cheek—enclosed around her back.
Levi took in a shaky breath.
The shadows on the wall flickered for a moment, a play of dark and light on the bare walls.
000
Levi bent down and kneeled, remnants of gravel digging into the flesh of his knee, pieces of rock crashing into a house somewhere close to them. Shrieks, drizzles of blood, dust, and destruction. It should have been earsplitting. But Levi did not apprehend it. Not at that very moment. The words were spilling out. "I'll make the decision—" Heart slow and steady, mind calm. He breathed out.
"Levi." he looked up, and Erwin looked more at peace than Levi had ever seen before in all those years of them together. Erwin smiled. "Thank you."
All the mistakes are mine.