"You what?!"

I rolled my eyes and folded my arms impatiently. I should've expected Leorio to overreact like this. "You heard me. I coughed up blood and flower petals. Twice."

"Are you absolutely certain they were flower petals?" the look Leorio gave me was something between shock and disbelief.

"I'm positive. They were pink and really soft, probably came from a tulip or a rose of some sort. And every time, there was a little bit of blood that came with it." I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger, trying my absolute hardest not to facepalm. "I know it sounds crazy, but that's exactly what happened."

"Okay... Any other symptoms? Does your chest hurt?" the ravenette seemed to have gotten ahold of himself. He set down his suitcase that contained all his medical supplies and started rummaging through it. "And before you started coughing up the petals, did your throat hurt?"

"Yes, exactly. My chest still hurts, but it's always worse right before I start coughing." I explained. "Do you have any idea what it might be?"

"Yes, I know exactly what it is. There's only one disease in the entire universe that causes the infected specimen to start coughing up flowers." Leorio found what appeared to be a small book in his suitcase and flipped it open, leafing through it with an urgency I had never seen in him before.

"Oh, really? So I'm not crazy?"

"Unfortunately, no."

"Then what is it?"

"Sounds a lot like Hanahaki disease to me, Killua."

"Hana-what-now?"

"Hanahaki."

When I had woken up this morning, the weather was a lot better. The only clouds in the bright blue sky were a couple fluffy wads of cumulus and thin trails of stratus. Even so, I had asked if Kurapika and I could switch places for the day. So he went with Gon to try and track down Shenka, and I went with Leorio to question people at Shenka's known hangouts.

I waited until we were taking a small break for lunch before telling Leorio about my strange condition. He had been... Very surprised, to say the least.

We were currently standing around near the end of a well-lit alleyway. It provided shade from the hot white sun that beat down on the city, and the two brick buildings it was sandwiched between were in good condition. If it weren't for all the trash scattered around, it would've been a perfect alley if ever there was one.

"Okay... What's Hanahaki?" I asked, slowly.

"It's a very rare, dangerous illness caused by what is believed to be one-sided love." Leorio found what he was looking for in his little book and set it back in the suitcase where it belonged. "It causes flowers to bloom in the infected person's lungs."

"Well, that explains where the petals are coming from." I shrugged. "Is there anything we can do to fix it?"

"There are only three possible outcomes for patients infected with Hanahaki. The first of which is confession. You reveal your feelings to the person you're in love with, and if your feelings are reciprocated, the flowers should disappear on their own." Leorio said. "The second outcome is surgically removing the flowers, but in doing so, you will lose your feelings for the person you love. In some cases, you might even forget all about them and become unable to fall in love with anyone ever again. The third outcome is... Well, it's death. Whether it be caused by rejection or by refusing surgery and confession, it always ends the same."

"Really?" I raised one eyebrow curiously. "That's a little intense. How could a bunch of flowers wind up killing me?"

"Easy. They continue to grow in your lungs until there's no room for oxygen. You'll suffocate and die choking on flowers. It's a very nasty way to die." Leorio gave me a stern look that implied I should be taking this a bit more seriously.

Only then did it hit me that, if I didn't confess to Gon, I was gonna die. My feelings for him were killing me.

"H-How long do I have?" I managed to ask, clenching my fists to hide the fact that my hands were shaking.

"Two or three months at best. A month if the disease is progressing rapidly." the tall male's face was set in a grim line. "I recommend getting them surgically removed. I know it isn't ideal, but... Fuck. I don't want to lose you, Killua."

"Heh. I don't want to lose me either." I smiled weakly, trying to make light of a terrible situation. "But I don't think I want to do that. Who would want to forget all about the most important person in the world to them? Who would want to forget how to love and die alone? I'd rather take my chances with a rare disease than have to go through either of those things."

"But Killua," Leorio grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me lightly, as if trying to knock some sense into me. "I'm the professional here, I know what's best for you. Trust me. Having the flowers removed is a much easier fate than what you're going to live through if the disease continues to progress. So please tell me you're gonna tell whoever it is and get it over with."

I thought about it for a second before replying. "Nope. I don't wanna risk ruining our friendship."

"I'm gonna repeat this in case you didn't understand me the first time. If you don't do something you are going to die in a couple months, kid. I'm not about to let you just sit around and wait until it happens."

"I understood you perfectly well the first time. It doesn't change my decision. I'd rather die than risk losing him."

Leorio sighed heavily and turned away from me for a second, probably trying to wrap his head around all of this. "I don't understand how you can be so calm. Usually people freak out when they learn they are dying."

"Well..." I cast my gaze down to my shoes, grimacing slightly. "I'm not like normal people. Death doesn't scare me. You forget I was once a trained assassin. I've been taught to resist every form of torture there is, including ones that might eventually kill me if I refuse to give in. There's nothing scary about death because whatever's waiting for me on the other side can't be worse than what I've already been through."

"But we care about you. Kurapika, Gon and I. We care so much. Surely it bothers you that you'd be leaving us behind?"

"It does. But you'll get over it. Sooner or later the three of you will forget about me."

"That's not true and you know it."

"But that's just how life works. Someone dies, you grieve for awhile, then you move on. Death happens to everyone at some point. You'd be surprised at how quickly even good people are forgotten once they've passed on. And I certainly am not a good person, thus I do not have the right to be remembered."

"Jesus Christ." now it was Leorio's turn to facepalm. "You're only saying these things because your family brainwashed you until you believed it. We wouldn't forget about you. You're too special to us."

I decided it would be best to remain silent. Both of us had already finished our lunch, but my companion didn't seem keen on moving on just yet, so I didn't move a muscle. Thanks to the grueling assassination training I had endured, I could stand so still that any normal passersby would've thought I was a statue.

I would never admit it, but I absolutely hated the fact I was doing this to Leorio. He was my friend, and I didn't doubt for a single second that he cared about me. The poor thing was probably all kinds of upset with me right now, frustrated because he knew there was nothing he could do to change my mind.

"It's Gon, isn't it?"

I choked on my own saliva.

How does he know?

"W-What?" I snapped my head up to glare at Leorio.

"The person you're so in love with that you caught Hanahaki. It's Gon. I'm right, aren't I?" the look on Leorio's face told me it was unwise to lie, because he wasn't afraid of beating the truth out of me if he had to.

Torture training or not, I really didn't feel like getting jumped by a doctor in an alleyway. That was a remarkably pathetic way to get a bruise.

"How... How did you know?" I asked, slowly.

"Simple. There's nobody else it could be." the ravenette shrugged, a small smirk crossing his sharply angled face. "The only reason you stick around with Kurapika and I is because of Gon. He's the only person you really and truly trust. He's the only person you're close to. It makes perfect sense."

"You're too perceptive for your own good." I scoffed and turned away from him, instead focusing my attention on all the people walking by outside the alley. "And if you tell anyone else about this, I will kill you. So keep your mouth shut about everything you heard today. Got it?"

"Damn." Leorio scrunched his face up like I was a disgusting little rat he had found in the sewers. "I thought we were friends."

"We are. But I'm not afraid to do what I have to do. That's the difference between you and I." I gathered up my skateboard and walked out of the alley, making my way down the street.

I wasn't even sure where I was going, I just wanted to get away from my friends for a little while. Having other people care about you is exhausting sometimes. I frequently found myself wishing that nobody cared for me, it would make the last few months I had left of my life so much easier.

I also needed some time alone to process what I had just been told.

I have Hanahaki disease.

I only have two or three months to live at best. Worst case scenario, I'll be dead a month from now.

My love for Gon caused flowers to grow in my lungs, and I will die choking on them.

I would never admit it, but I was really bothered by these facts. I refused to let myself crumble in front of anyone else, I didn't want to show any signs of the weak, vulnerable boy beneath my cold, unbreakable exterior. I could pretend I didn't care that I was dying as much as I wanted to, but in reality, I was absolutely terrified.

I didn't care that it would be a slow, painful death. I am impervious to pain.

All I cared about was the fact I'd be leaving Gon behind. He'd lose his best friend. He'd be heartbroken. And I knew he would never let himself forget me.

I don't want to inflict that sort of pain on him, but there's nothing else I can do.

I had always known from the very start that I would never be strong enough to confess to Gon.

I mean, how could I?

He was so brave and selfless and compassionate, perhaps the most gentle, caring soul I had ever met. He was like a bright light shining in the darkness, chasing the shadows away and making everything better. I couldn't even begin to compare to someone as pure and beautiful as him.

What right did I have to expect him, a perfect angel, to love me, a stubborn brat with a river's worth of blood on my hands?

I'd rather die and leave him behind than force him into such an uncomfortable situation.

If he knew I was dying of Hanahaki, and if I confessed to him, he would figure out on his own that he was the reason I was dying. And he'd probably "accept" my feelings just to keep me alive. I didn't think there was any way he could actually love me, and I didn't want to trap him in a relationship like that. I just wanted him to be happy, to find someone he could be happy with.

He could never be happy with me. So I'll just die, and he'll find someone better than me. It'll sting for awhile, but he'll eventually come to realize that he didn't need me, he never needed me.

The very thought of being replaced made me want to cry. I absolutely loathed the idea of Gon falling in love with somebody else. But I also wanted him to be happy. If that meant dying and letting him wander until he found a new best friend, then so be it. I was willing to do whatever it took to give him the best quality of life.

I'd die a thousand painful deaths if only it meant Gon would be happy.

I knew for sure that Leorio was following me as I wandered aimlessly throughout the crowded city, completely oblivious to the nameless faces all around me. I payed no heed to the sounds of cars speeding by and the smell of smoke, which hung heavy in the air. I was dead to the world, completely engrossed in my thoughts.

Reality was broken. I had been forced into grueling assassin training ever since I was just a toddler, barely able to speak and stand. I had been put through all kinds of intense tortures by my own family. My body had been bruised and broken so many times that my pale skin was mottled with scars. And, by the time I was just twelve years old, I could remove people's hearts with just my fingers in the blink of an eye.

Now, I had flowers growing in my lungs, and I kept coughing up the petals.

The universe must really hate me if I was just born to suffer and die like this.

I scoffed and kept walking until I found myself back where I had started. That was when Leorio decided to catch up to me and tell me it was time to go back to the hotel. It was nearly dinnertime, which meant I had spent a solid three hours just wandering around. My raven-haired companion had been smart enough to leave me alone for the entire time, which I was grateful for.

"I promise I won't say anything to Gon. It's not my place to tell him anyway." Leorio gave me a stern look before adding, "It's yours."

"Yeah, yeah. I know." I shrugged him off. "I'll tell him when I feel like it, so mind your own business."

Leorio shook his head and clicked his tongue disapprovingly, but wisely chose to remain silent.

When we got back to the hotel, Kurapika and Gon were already there.

"Good news: we found his scent. We followed it to an expensive restaurant, but couldn't find Shenka inside. We're making progress, but we haven't found the guy yet." Kurapika said, smiling widely as Leorio and I stepped into the room.

"Yeah. Give us a few more days and we'll have him right where we want him." Gon agreed. "What about you guys? Did you make any progress?"

"Unfortunately, no." I hesitantly admit. "But we're getting closer. We just need a little more time."

"I think Killua and Gon should go together tomorrow. They've got a weird sort of chemistry with each other so they just generally make a better team." Kurapika said to Leorio.

The ravenette nodded his agreement. "Indeed. I think that's a much better arrangement than what we did today."

I ignored them entirely and wandered into my room, flopping down on the bed. I sighed into the pillow and rolled over onto my back, staring up at the white plaster ceiling.

I only have two or three months left to live, I might as well make the most of it.

To be continued...

-

Skreeeeeee I'm sorry, this chapter is a lot sloppier than I would've liked it to be because my brain crashed in the middle of writing it. In other words, I got struck by a small case of writer's block bang splat in the middle of this, so I had to wing it from there. The next chapter should be a lot better.

Thanks so much for making it to the end of this chapter! Please remember to leave a review on your way out and consider checking out my other fics if you have time. Thanks again, love y'all!

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