Chapter 11? What in the heck? I didn't even know that was possible lmao.
Please read the author's note at the end once you finish the chapter. It contains important announcements. I didn't want to put it up front because it's too long, and I wanted y'all to be able to read the chapter before having to stare at some announcements XD. Anyway, pls read it once you're done with the chapter, it's important.
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Gon sighed sadly as I coughed up yet another whole tulip flower. The pastel pink petals were smeared with blood, which trickled from the corner of my mouth, staining my pale skin crimson.
"This is the third time you've coughed those up today, Killua." my best friend remarked, reaching out to tuck a strand of snowy white hair behind my ear. "It's getting worse. Leorio says you only have a couple days left at best. For all he knows, you might be gone tomorrow." his voice was heavy with unspoken sorrow.
Wincing at the sharp, burning pain in my throat, I opened my mouth to try and tell him everything would be okay. But I was interrupted by the metallic taste of blood on my tongue and the horribly familiar feeling of flower petals catching in my esophagus. I doubled over and vomited up a mixture of flowers and crimson fluid into the large bowl Kurapika had given me. It was already halfway full.
"I know you can't talk right now, it's okay. I guess I'm just fretting about all of this because it's really difficult to watch. I still haven't come to terms with the fact that, by this time next week, you won't be around anymore." Gon shrugged and dabbed at my forehead with a cold, wet cloth. The icy water felt good on my skin. "I can't even begin to imagine what life will be like without you."
I shuddered, breathing heavily as yet another wave of white-hot agony rolled through me. My shoulders were heaving, a thin layer of sweat coated my brow, and I was trembling violently. My skin was burning hot, but I felt freezing cold on the inside.
"I'm sorry..." I managed to choke out. My voice was low and raspy, like that of a dying old man's.
"Don't apologize, you haven't done anything wrong. There's nothing we can do. I just need to figure out how to... Accept it." the tan boy grimaced and looked away as tears sprang to his eyes. I really wished there was something more I could do to comfort him.
Suddenly a shadowy figure appeared in the doorway. My eyes were swimming with tears of pain, so I couldn't quite make them out.
"How is he?" Kurapika's soft voice asked.
"It's... It's gotten really bad. Leorio said he doesn't have much time left." Gon replied, wringing his hands nervously.
"Why don't you step outside and get some air, Gon? Take a break, I'll look after him for you." the blonde stepped all the way into the room and moved to sit on the edge of the bed.
Gon glanced over at me, as if uncertain he could trust anyone other than himself with taking care of me. "I dunno... If he's dying soon, I want to spend as much time with him as possible. I want to be here when... Y'know... It's time. I wanna be the last face he sees before he goes. I just... I really don't want to leave right now. He needs me here."
"I understand." Kurapika nodded a few times, giving me a look so gentle and soft he reminded me of Mito-san. "I wanna be here when it happens too."
"Is everything alright? Why's everyone in here?" Leorio questioned, siddling into the room with his hands jammed into his pockets.
"I'm keeping Gon and Killua company." the blonde replied, without looking up.
"Ah, I see. I'll join you." Leorio sat down beside Killua, causing the bed to dip. He wasn't overweight by any means, but because of his height, he was the heaviest person amongst us. Under different circumstances, I would've laughed at him.
Gon hesitated before tugging at Leorio's sleeve to get his attention. "Is... Is there anything we can do?" he asked, softly.
Leorio's gaze softened and he shook his head sadly. "I'm afraid not, young one. All we can do now is keep Killua as comfortable as possible."
Gon hung his head, staring down at the bedding as tears began to roll down his tan cheeks. I reached out and offered him my hand, making a feeble attempt to comfort him. He took it and squeezed as hard as he could.
"I-I think it's over." I managed to say, rubbing at my throat with my free hand. "It's been awhile since I've coughed anything up, so I think I'm in the clear for the time being."
"Your voice sounds a little better too." Kurapika agreed. "Not as raspy and weak, I mean."
"Hmmm..." I hummed noncommittally as Gon traced random patterns on the back of my hand with his thumb. His brow was furrowed with concentration, eyes locked on our joined hands. It was almost as if he was trying to memorize everything, like how my skin felt beneath his fingers. In just a couple days, those memories would be all he had left. "I kinda wanna go outside and get some air rather than being stuck in this room until I die." I remarked, frowning slightly.
"Can you walk?" Leorio asked.
"Probably. My legs are kinda weak, though, so I might need some help." I grimaced as I spoke, I absolutely hated admitting when I couldn't do something as simple as walking.
"That's fine, I'll carry you out there. I don't want you to be stuck in here all day either." Gon piped up, seeming to cheer up a little.
"Are you sure you're strong enough for that?" Kurapika gave the smaller boy a suspicious stare.
"Yes, absolutely." Gon's head bobbed as he nodded enthusiastically. "Let's not forget I ran all the way across town with an unconscious Killua in my arms just yesterday. I'm pretty sure I can move him outside with no trouble at all. He's not even that heavy."
"I said I might be able to walk, you don't gotta carry me!" I squawked, indignantly.
"Yes I do. I'm not gambling with your health. If there's even a chance you'll fall and hurt yourself even more, I'm not taking it." he told me.
"Don't argue with him, Killua. He's absolutely right this time and you know it." Kurapika chimed in. I suddenly wished I had a second pair of eyes so I could glare at both him and Gon at the same time.
"Fine." I folded my arms and pouted.
Gon rolled his eyes and laughed as he turned so his back was facing me. "C'mon, you big baby. Get up on my back."
I flipped the blanket off my legs and crawled over to him, obediently wrapping my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. He hooked his hands under my thighs and stood up straight, carrying me piggyback style.
"Mmf." I let out a tiny noise of discomfort as the sudden movement caused the searing pain in my chest to flare up violently. It felt like a knife had been stabbed straight into my lungs, making them sting dreadfully whenever I tried to inhale. "S-Slow down, baka..." I buried my face in the crook of Gon's neck, trying to hide my agony as much as possible.
"Oh, did that hurt? I'm sorry, Killua. I'm really sorry. I'll try to be more careful." Gon apologized, glancing over his shoulder at me.
"It's fine." I hissed, through gritted teeth. "Let's just get outside, okay? My chest really hurts..."
Gon nodded his understanding and made his way out of the hotel as quickly as possible. I kept my face hidden in his shoulder the entire time because I didn't want to look at the bland walls of the long, narrow hallway leading down to the main entrance. I also didn't want to have to make eye contact with anyone in the building. I probably looked ridiculous, curled around Gon's sturdy back the way I was.
I was somehow absolutely winded by the time we made it outside, despite the fact I hadn't really been moving at all. I gasped a little, trying to pull oxygen into my lungs.
"Are you okay?" Gon asked, twisting to look at me.
"N-No. Where are we going?" I asked back, trying to avoid talking about my wellbeing as much as possible.
"To the field we always train in. I know you like it there, it's a lot quieter than the rest of this overcrowded hellhole." unironically, Gon had to raise his voice to be heard over the sound of a large vehicle speeding by on the road behind us.
I nodded my approval and let him carry me the short distance to the field in silence. The uproarious sounds of the city gradually faded away into the background, replaced by the soft rustling of grass blades scraping against each other and the shrill twittering of birds overhead.
Gon kept marching along until we reached the ancient Sakura tree in the middle of the grassy field. He gently set me down, propping me up against the rough, thick trunk beneath the shade provided by the low-hanging branches coated in shimmering emerald leaves.
"You're really pale." he remarked as he sat down in front of me, criss-crossing his legs and brushing loose strands of hair behind my ears. "And you're panting. Are you alright?"
"Do I have to answer that?" I cracked one eye open to glare at him, still gasping for breaths I couldn't quite pull into my lungs. "It's nothing, Gon. I'm just... Having a hard time breathing, that's all..."
"Killua..." Gon whispered, voice laced with sympathy. "It's okay to tell me how you're feeling right now, ya know. I won't judge you or anything. Besides, we've been talking a lot about me and my feelings lately, so now it's your turn." his lively brown eyes sparkled with an emotion I didn't recognize. Was it fear? Sadness? Regret?
"It's not a bad thing that we've been talking more about you. I like keeping things to myself, and-..." I paused for a second just to breathe, drawing in shallow, ragged breaths that made my lungs ache even more. I had somehow managed to run out of breath just by talking. "...and you have every right in the world to be upset with me. I was selfish and stupid. I don't deserve any of your time and attention, so I won't ask for it."
"Don't say stuff like that." Gon scolded, cupping my face between both of his warm, calloused hands. "Just because I was mad before doesn't mean you get to keep beating yourself up over it long after it's done and over with. You're a human being with emotions, just like me. And I know you aren't as calm and composed as you're pretending to be. I mean, you're dying. Surely that must be mentally affecting you somehow."
I grimaced. He was making some really good points. I knew it would be unwise to argue. "What exactly are you asking me to tell you, then?" I asked, allowing my skepticism to show in my voice.
"I wanna know how you're feeling, Killua. And I don't want some half-assed, blunt response that doesn't mean anything at all. I want you to really tell me what's going on in your head right now. And be completely honest with me." Gon replied, staring at me expectantly.
There was no way I could get out of this one. I glanced around the field, wringing my hands anxiously.
There's not really a problem with opening up a little bit... And it's just Gon and I here, it's not like he's asking me to tell him in front of a whole bunch of other people...
I sighed before saying, "Well, I don't really know how I'm supposed to be feeling about it. Most people would cry and spend their time reminiscing about the finest moments of their lives. But... I don't know what's wrong with me, it's like my emotions are broken."
"Broken, how?" Gon inquired, slowly releasing the sides of my face so he could put his hands over mine instead. I could tell he was listening very closely.
"It's overwhelming. I can't tell if I'm sad or angry or absolutely terrified. All I know is that... I feel guilty for hurting you..." I felt tears springing to my eyes and tried to hold them back. I had no idea talking about my feelings would be this difficult. "And I wish I had told you sooner. I'm not sure what I was thinking."
"You know it's fine, right? I forgive you, and I understand why you didn't tell me. I'm not even upset about it anymore." Gon said, and I nodded.
"Yeah, I got that... I just... I dunno..." I stammered.
"You're still holding back, Killua. Just relax. You can tell me anything."
Everyone talks about having an emotional breaking point, and that was when I reached mine.
For the first time in my entire life, my emotions bubbled to the surface, fast and unstoppable. No amount of assassin training could've prepared me for the ginormous wave of emotional agony that crashed over me, threatening to completely overwhelm my other senses, rendering me helpless.
Suddenly I found myself blurting, "I don't wanna die!"
Completely embarrassed by both my outburst and the tears sparkling in my eyes, I buried my face in my hands and doubled over, wishing the earth itself would open up and swallow me whole. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't stop a deep, low sob from breaking out of my chest.
I haven't cried like this for as long as I can remember. I'm probably making Gon feel like shit right now. What's wrong with me?
Warm, strong arms encircled my trembling body all of a sudden, as Gon pulled me into his lap and held me close.
"Shhh, it's okay. It's alright, I'm here. I'm right here, Killua. I've got you." he murmured, rocking from side to side and stroking my hair. His touch was so soft and sweet it made me cry even harder. I buried my face in his shoulder, trying to stop the seemingly endless tears streaming down my face. But it wouldn't stop. I really hated it. "You're so strong. I'm proud of you." he added.
"B-But why?" I choked out. My voice was weak and strained from the effort it took to cry. I hated it. "All I've been doing this past few days is hurting you... Why don't you hate me, Gon? This isn't okay!"
"You're right, it isn't. But you're human. You make mistakes, just like I do. Sometimes I make really selfish decisions too, y'know. I get so caught up in my own ambition that I wind up walking all over people I care about just to get closer to achieving my goals. And that isn't okay either." Gon reasoned, carding his fingers through my messy white curls, fingertips brushing against my scalp. "You always forgive me when I make stupid, self-centered choices, right?"
I sniffled pitifully and nodded. "Y-Yeah..."
"So why can't I forgive you for making a stupid, self-centered decision, huh? Although the situation is a lot more intense than anything else we've dealt with, the context is the same." I could sense the gentle smile spreading across Gon's face, even without looking at him. He ran his thumb back behind my ear, making me shiver a little. "This is also the first time I've ever seen you cry, and I think that's a good thing. It must be exhausting, keeping everything pent up and locked away like you do."
"Hmmm..." I whimpered, snuggling closer to him. "S-Sorry..."
"Don't apologize, Killua. You haven't done anything wrong. You always comfort me when I'm sad, I'm just happy to finally return the favor." Gon hummed softly, continuing to thread his fingers through my hair. He'd never done that before, but I was too focused on my overwhelming anguish to be flustered. "Keep talking to me. Tell me what's on your mind."
"I just... I don't want to die, Gon. I'm not afraid of it, I'm not afraid of the pain. I just don't want to... l-leave you..." just when I thought I was beginning to calm down, something else broke inside of me and I started crying all over again. "I want to be here for you. I want to grow up with you. But, in just a day or two, I'll never be able to see your face ever again. That, to me, is worse than any sort of hell that might be waiting for me in the afterlife."
"I know. It's okay." Gon reassured, but his voice broke. He was crying too, I realized.
"Just the thought of never being able to hear your voice is enough to absolutely terrify me. I don't want that. I want to stay here with you." I added, tucking my head under his chin like a frightened child.
"I don't want you to go either, Killua. You're so precious to me, and even when you're not around I'm always thinking of you. I don't know if I'll even be able to keep going once you're gone, because the world won't be colorful and beautiful anymore without you in it." Gon nodded a couple times, snaking both arms around me and holding me tightly.
Just tell him how you feel about him and you'll get to keep on living, a tiny voice inside me whispered.
I told it to shut up.
But what does he mean when he says I'm precious to him? Surely he can't mean anything more than harmless friendship... Right? It wouldn't hurt to ask how he feels about me, rather than just flat-out confessing my feelings for him. But... It's too risky. What if he thinks I'm being weird? What if he's already got feelings for somebody else? If that's the case, I'd be stepping in between them and making things awkward. I should just... Stay quiet. Like I have been.
"There's still something you aren't telling me, Killua. Don't ask how I know, I just do." Gon suddenly said, jolting me out of my thoughts.
"What do you mean?" I decided feigning ignorance was the best way to go.
"I mean I can tell you're only telling me part of the story. There's something bigger going on, I can sense it." Gon explained, tipping his chin forward so he could look me in the eye.
"L-Look, I've never opened up to anyone before, this is my first time. So cut me a little slack, okay? I am massively uncomfortable right now..." I grimaced and squirmed around in his grasp, trying to escape his tight embrace.
"No, no, please don't run away." Gon shook his head and nudged me closer, clicking his tongue softly. "I'm sorry, I didn't think of that. I'll stop pushing. It's okay." he apologized, smoothing his palm down the length of my back.
"Kay..." I mumbled, settling down again. I decided staying like this for a little while couldn't hurt, even though I wasn't really crying anymore. I really liked being this close to him despite the fact I knew it didn't mean anything. It was just a friendly gesture meant to help me feel better, but that didn't mean I wasn't allowed to pretend it could be something else instead. "I'm not used to this." I declared, and Gon laughed.
"I know you aren't. And I'm okay with it. I know your family isn't exactly built upon gentleness and trust, and you spent the first twelve years of your life stuck with them. I'm the one who should be more prepared to handle things like that." he told me, continuing to stroke my back in slow, soothing motions. "After all, I used to tell Mito-san everything while I was living with her. And she was so kind to me. As you know, she's like my mother. I keep forgetting you didn't grow up happy and well-kept like I did, so I end up pushing you too hard and making you uncomfortable. That's entirely my fault, not yours. You can't help the way you were raised."
"I wish I wasn't uncomfortable with everything, though. It's not fair of me to expect you to just know where my personal limits are." I mumbled, sighing as I allowed some of the nervous tension to seep out of my body.
"Killua. Don't talk like that. It was your parents' responsibility to teach you what good personal boundaries are, what's good for you and what isn't. They should've taught you how to properly vent your emotions, how to talk to someone when you're not okay. But they failed. They didn't teach you any of that stuff. And that's not your fault." Gon interjected, and I grimaced. He was absolutely right, as usual. I just didn't get how he could be so understanding all the time.
I opened my mouth to tell him I was grateful for him, but my voice died in my throat when a new sensation completely overwhelmed me.
Nausea and fatigue.
I felt like I'd run a few hundred miles. My stomach did a few flips, making me want to throw up. I was really extremely tired all of a sudden. When I tried to move my limbs, they felt stiff and clumsy. Inoperable.
"Shit..." I hissed under my breath, beginning to panic as my chest abruptly tightened and it became alarmingly hard to breathe.
"Killua?" Gon called out, hesitantly. "Are you alright? You got really tense all of a sudden..."
My aching lungs were screaming for air, but I could physically feel the weight of the flowers growing within them, filling them almost completely and leaving very little room for oxygen. Without realizing it, I had begun to hyperventilate. I felt dizzy and light-headed.
"I-I can't breathe." I managed to choke out, making an attempt to clutch my throat. But I couldn't feel my hands. They were like useless stumps of flesh on the ends of my arms.
"Oh god." all the color drained from Gon's face and he glanced around frantically, as if searching for some form of help. "We have to get you back to the hotel right now. Will you be able to hang on if I carry you on my back again?" he asked.
Even though I was fearful of passing out, I still nodded my head yes. I was determined to make it back to the hotel without losing consciousness, and the fear of slipping off Gon's back would hopefully be enough to keep me awake.
Gon nudged me out of his lap and turned around, letting me climb onto his back like I had earlier before standing up.
"Is it okay if I run back or will that hurt too much?" he asked, softly.
"N-No." I rasped, gasping for breaths that only partially filled my lungs. It wasn't enough. I was dangerously close to fainting from a lack of oxygen. "Please don't."
"Okay. I'll be careful, I promise." Gon began making his way back to the hotel, keeping his eyes focused on the ground so he didn't step on any rocks. He was trying really hard to not jostle me around too much, I noticed. But he was also moving as fast as he possibly could without actually running.
I tipped my head forward, burying my face in the crook of his neck, fighting the warm darkness of unconsciousness that was gradually beginning to press in on me. My eyelids felt heavy, I just wanted to close them and fall asleep and...
No!
I realized I was actually starting to lose consciousness and tensed the muscles in my right hand, causing my fingers to sharpen into claws. I dug my claws into my left wrist, hard enough that a thin stream of warm blood trickled down from the three small puncture wounds and dripped onto the ground. Fortunately, Gon was too focused on his footing to notice.
The pain was nothing compared to some of the things I'd endured in the past, but it was still enough to snap me out of the hazy state I'd been sinking into.
"Are you okay?" Gon asked, glancing over his shoulder at me.
I allowed my claws to become blunt half-moons once again, tugging my sleeve down lower to hide the new cuts on my wrist.
"Don't worry about me." I replied, shakily. "Just... Just keep going..."
"Do your best to stay awake, Killua. We're almost there." Gon promised, as he stepped over a rather large stone peeking out of the grass.
I nodded and pressed my forehead into his shoulder, panting softly. I kept sinking further and further into the warm, soft black sea of unconsciousness. It kept creeping closer and closer, threatening to swallow me up at any moment. It was honestly inevitable at this point. I knew that, even if I cut up my own arm again, I wouldn't be able to bring myself out of it.
I closed my eyes and just let it happen.
The last thing I remember thinking before the darkness overtook me was that I really hoped I would actually wake up from this.
Don't let this be the end. I'm not ready to die yet.
To be continued...
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A/N: Wow okay so... Sorry for the cliffhanger lolz. I was really trying NOT to leave y'all hanging like this but it was kinda unavoidable, sorry.
Please read these announcements, they are important.
1.) I am working on a new GonKillu fic, it's almost ready to publish. It's a Kingdom AU in which Gon's the prince of the Southern kingdom, and he basically falls in love with Killua, the prince of the North. Illumi's the ridiculously overprotective big brother and Kurapika's Gon's motherly bodyguard. So, in other words, it's an adorable story filled with humor and forbidden romance. I'll drop an announcement when it's available to read (or you can just follow my profile if you haven't already to receive new story updates... *coughs suggestively*...)
2.) I'm working on a discord server made specifically for interacting with y'all, my lovely readers! I want to be able to make friends and chat with anyone here who's interested. If you'd like to join this server, send me a message or friend request (or both lol) on discord! My tag is:
useless-angsty-melon#1459.
Please note that the server isn't complete yet. I'll drop an announcement when it is. I'll also send invites to those of you who wanna join.
Anyway, that's it for my announcements! Thanks so much for reading, please remember to leave a review on your way out telling me what you thought of this chapter. I love y'all so very much! Take care of yourselves!
-UltimatexAdmin