Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty

by The Cheesebub

Get ready for a season of TD unlike any other! 18 campers from seasons' past return to Pahkitew Island, where they'll compete in the ultimate battle for dominance. Which trait will prevail? Along the way, there's sure to be tons of shocking twists, high stakes drama, touching romance, and of course... DUNCAN! Did I mention Duncan! Your favorite character, Duncan! He's here too!

6. E3P2: How Not to Film a Theme Song

Episode 3 Part 2- Chapter 6: How Not to Film a Theme Song

Chris paced back and forth in front of the campers, his arms behind his back.

"Let's recap how this thing goes," the host began, a stern look on his face. "You've all filmed the theme song before, so you all should know the drill by now. You each will be given your role- a 'bit', as we like to call it in show business, a moment during the song that re-introduces your character to the audience."

He came to a stop, facing the group. "Filming the theme song can go one of two ways. It can be a fairly quick and easy process, or it can be the most painfully exhausting and mind-numbingly repetitive experience of your life. It really all depends on how well you guys get to know your role." Chris beckoned to the drone hovering next to him. "We film it all in one take using the Drama Drone, so if you mess up when it's your turn in the spotlight, we'll have to go all the way back and start from the top."

Courtney sighed. "Okay… I know I ask this every year, and you always give the same garbled nonsense of an answer, but why exactly does it have to be filmed in one take? That just seems needlessly inefficient and pointless."

"The answer, quite simply, is passion," Chris said, gazing dramatically into the distance. "This is my one opportunity to make a bold artistic statement within the cold and calculating commerciality of nefarious network TV." He bit his lip, fighting back tears. "It was always my dream to create an opening theme that went beyond the conventions of the medium… to create a bold and evocative cinematic experience."

"A.k.a. Owen farting into a shark's mouth," Heather said.

"Exactly!" Chris exclaimed, his eyes shining. "My artistic vision came perfectly to fruition in that moment. However, not only is our intro an artistic statement, it's also what sets us apart from all the other programs on TV. Take, for a completely random example, the Ridonculous Race. What does that show's intro have to offer? A bunch of silhouttes running around for ten seconds? Boooooring."

"That's probably because Don realizes nobody gives a sh** about the intro."

"And nobody gives a sh** about you, Noah. Contrary to Don's twisted philosophy, the intro is everything in the TV world. When viewers switch to our channel, we only have a few critical seconds to capture their attention and keep them watching." Chris clenched his fist with determination. "Quite frankly, we need to reach right out of the TV screen and grab our viewers by the balls."

"You probably shouldn't say that when most of your viewers are children," Noah said.

Chris raised an eyebrow at this. "Huh? Since when?"

"Really? I'm surprised you didn't know this, Chris," Topher chuckled. "Our main distributor is Cartoon Network, whose target demographic is 6-to-12-year-olds. And they're leaning more towards the 6-year-olds these days."

"Hold on… why would we be airing on Cartoon Network?" Jasmine asked, puzzled. "Isn't that for… y'know, cartoons?"

There was a long, awkward silence.

"...Perhaps we shouldn't think too deeply about that one," Dawn concluded. "I don't think we'll like the answers we discover about ourselves."

"Yeah, I'm really not in the mood for an existential crisis right now," Chris muttered. "Anyways, our viewers may be in kindergarten, but they are ruthless. If this theme song doesn't meet their standards, they will find us. They know our addresses." He shuddered with fear. "We have to give them what they want."

"But can't you just make it look like we filmed it all in one take?" Alejandro asked, leading others to nod in agreement. "You could film a bunch of separate scenes, and then use editing tricks to turn it into one fluid shot."

Chris shook his head. "C'mon, do you really think the Internet wouldn't notice that? There are tons of losers online who watch every episode frame-by-frame to catch any hidden secrets." He chuckled to himself. "I gotta admit, they've found some pretty crazy stuff. Did you know there's a split-second moment during season 3 where you can see a full shot of Duncan's uncensored... thing? I haven't found it myself, but apparently it's there."

"And why have you been looking for that?" Jo asked suspiciously.

Chris threw his hands up. "I'm a curious person! Geez!"

Brick raised his hand. "Excuse me, sir? Speaking of season three, I'm really curious: how were you able to film the intro for Total Drama World Tour all in one take? It has thrilling shots from all over the world, from New York to London!"

"Yeah… we quickly realized we couldn't do one take that time around," Chris with a shrug. "I guess those campers just got lucky."

"Yeah, we were so lucky to get to spend three months trying to build a 17-person human pyramid on top of a moving airplane," Heather said, rolling her eyes.

"I sense sarcasm in your voice. What exactly was unreasonable about that?"

"YOU PUT OWEN AT THE TOP!"

"So? Would you rather it have been Chef at the top of the pyramid? With Owen flying the plane? Because that was our only other option."

"Why was that our only other option?!"

"It's called 'art', Heather. You wouldn't get it." As Chris spoke, a a boat suddenly pulled up at the shore. Chris beamed at the sight. "Ah! Perfect timing! We have one last person who needs to join us."

The door to the boat burst open, and everyone gasped as Cameron stepped out and onto the beach. The bubble boy had both his arms in casts, but he looked to be in good spirits.

"Hey, guys!" he called out. "Long time no see!" He tried to wave to the group, but immediately screamed in agony from moving his arm.

"That's right, folks! Our good friend Cameron is back!" Chris announced. "Let's all give it up for Cameron!"

There was a spattering of awkward applause as the recently-eliminated contestant made his way over.

Courtney looked over at Chris, fuming. "Are you kidding me? You're bringing Cameron back to the competition too?! So everyone we vote out just gets to show up again whenever they want with no penalty? Is that how it works?"

"Calm down, woman. You sound like you're gonna have a stroke," Chris said, holding up a hand. "Cameron's still out of the game. We just needed him here to film the intro. It'd be kiiind of a huge spoiler if he was missing."

As Cameron reached the Brains, a sobbing Harold pushed past the rest of his teammates and embraced his friend.

"CAMERON-SAN!" he wailed, snot running down his face. "What a blessed day this is! Just when we thought you were gone, you've been brought back to life!"

Cameron smiled, wiping Harold's snot off his head. "Good to see you too, Harold! I missed you!"

Meanwhile, Scarlett was watching the two with silent fury.

"Ah, but what happened here?" Harold gasped, looking down at Cameron's arm casts. "You've been wounded in battle! What vile villain did this to you? Was it the devious Alejandro?"

Cameron flushed red and glanced away. "No… Alejandro isn't to blame. It's actually mostly my fault, to be honest. The whole story is kind of embarrassing."

"You can tell me!" Harold insisted. "I promise I will keep it entirely confidential."

Cameron paused for a moment, before leaning over and whispering in Harold's ear.

"Ok… well… what happened is… I broke both my arms trying to rip off my shirt."

"YOU BROKE BOTH YOUR ARMS TRYING TO RIP OFF YOUR SHIRT?!" Harold screamed.

Heather and Courtney both burst out laughing, making Cameron blush deeper. Harold placed both his hands on Cameron's shoulders, looking sternly into his eyes.

"Don't listen to their cackles. You have nothing to be ashamed of, Cameron-san," he said. "In fact, I too once broke both of my arms."

Cameron glanced up at him. "Really?"

"Indeed," Harold sighed. "At the time, I was a talented but cocky teen, my skillz impressive for my age but still far from reaching their full potential. Foolhardy as I was, I didn't realize the limits of my own strength. I thought I was capable of anything – and in most cases, I was right. But in my recklessness, one day I tried an incredibly dangerous maneuver that only a seasoned master should ever attempt."

"What did you do?!"

"I tried to pick up Leshawna."

Heather and Courtney burst out laughing again. Harold whipped around to face them.

"Does our suffering bring you pleasure?!" he cried. "Cameron and I are baring our souls as men to one another, and you two mock us for it!" He grabbed Cameron by the arm and started to walk away with him. "Come on, Cameron-san, let's go talk somewhere else. Away from the wicked women."

Courtney stopped laughing as they continued to walk away. "Stop! Where are you going? We're supposed to stay here!"

But Harold and Cameron were too far away to hear her now.

Chris glanced in their direction. "To be fair, the nerds are coincidentally headed right towards where we need to go next." He turned to the rest of the group. "Attention, people! I never thought I would say this, but… everyone follow Harold and Cameron!"

With Chris's orders, the group began reluctantly trailing after them. Harold heard footsteps approaching, and turned around to see the crowd of people walking behind. He grinned over at Cameron.

"Do you see that? Everyone's rallying behind us. We stood up for what we believed in, and they respect that. We are an inspiration to them, Cameron."

Cameron beamed. "Wow! I've never been an inspiration before!"

"You're an inspiration to me, Cameron," Harold said, gazing passionately into Cameron's eyes. "You're an inspiration to me."

Meanwhile, Scarlett continued to watch them from the back of the crowd, trembling with anger.

Confession Cam

Scarlett: How little self-respect does Cameron have? Seeing him go back to being Harold's little lap dog makes me sick. Does he not remember this is the same revolting specimen who lied directly to his face and voted him out less than 24 hours ago? (She shakes her head.) Talk about textbook Stockholm Syndrome. It's pitiful, really. (She clenches her fist.) I have no choice but to… rectify the situation. First, I must enlighten Cameron. (She takes a deep breath.) Then, I must destroy Harold.

(Static)

Harold: Yes, breaking both my arms trying to pick up Leshawna was… not my proudest moment. But did I let it defeat me? Nay! With newfound determination, I trained intensely for months afterward, regaining my strength. And let me just say, it's paid off in spades. I recently came across three women of Leshawna's stature, and was able to pick them up all at once with no difficulty! (He grins triumphantly.) It was so satisfying to redeem myself after my prior defeat. That was a true milestone for me as a warrior. (He pauses and frowns.) The three women didn't seem to appreciate that fact, for some reason. I still don't know why they called the cops on me.

End of Confessionals

Chris had now gathered the contestants away from the beach, standing in front of a tall cliff overlooking the ocean.

"We're doing things a little different this year's script," he announced, taking out of a stack of papers. "I'm going to first read the entire script aloud before passing out the individual copies. That way, you guys won't all mob me at once complaining about your role. I'm looking at you, Heather."

"Yeah, how dare I not have acted absolutely thrilled at the prospect of riding a raft down a 200-foot waterfall?"

"Oh, please. You and Leshawna hardly got assigned the hardest part of the season one intro. DJ had to get mauled by a pack of rabid squirrels over and over again, but you didn't hear him complaining."

"Yeah, that's because DJ went into shock after the third take," Duncan said. "Do you not remember that? We all thought he was going to die. It made it really awkward when I had to keep pointing and laughing at him for the next 100 takes."

"But did DJ end up dying? No he didn't! And neither will any of you during today's shoot." Chris glanced at the crowd. "Except for maybe Cameron."

"Wh-what? Why me?!" Cameron stammered.

"Eh, no particular reason. You're just always the most likely bet when it comes to someone dying." Chris then cleared his throat and began reading.

"The theme song opens with a series of cameras popping out of the trees, ready to film the upcoming action."

"YES!" Topher screamed, startling everyone. He giggled and rubbed the back of his neck. "Sorry for the outburst, guys. The cameras popping out of the trees at the start of the theme song always just get me sooooo hyped."

Chris smirked. "I bet you'll love this next part even more, Topher."

"We begin our continuous shot as the camera soars through the island mainland, heading for a cliff in the distance. We hurtle past Chris Mclean, the charming and sexy host of the show, using Topher, an ugly and weird side character, as his footstool. Despite this degrading situation, Topher looks grateful to even be allowed to serve as human furniture for a man with so much more talent than him."

Jasmine shook her head with disapproval. "Really, Chris? Don't you think that's a little much?"

"Not at all. In fact..." Chris sat down in his director's chair and lifted his feet off the ground. "…Topher, you can go ahead and start practicing for your role right now."

"Awesome!" Topher cheered as he eagerly raced over. He got down on his hands and knees in front of the host, who propped his feet up on the host wannabe's back.

Leaning back in his chair, Chris continued to read. "The camera flies up and over the edge of the mountain, before hurtling downwards into the ocean."

"OMG, I LOVE the part where the camera goes into the ocean!" Topher squealed from under Chris's feet. "It's always feels like a roller coaster r—"

"Since when is furniture supposed to be able to speak?" Chris interjected. Topher quickly fell silent. Smirking, the host returned to the script.

"With the camera submerged, we come across Cameron, who is flailing and struggling to breathe underwater."

"Ah, so when you said Cameron was the most likely to die 'for no particular reason', you meant 'because I'm going to drown him'," Noah noted.

"How about you save the snide remarks until we get to your part?" Chris snapped. "Besides, Cameron's a pro when it comes to drowning during the theme song. This will be his third time doing it. Right, Cameron?"

Cameron scratched his head. "I mean, just because you always make me do it doesn't mean I—"

"Suddenly, a hook attaches to the back of Cameron's shorts," Chris continued, ignoring Cameron. "It starts pulling him upward. We follow the fishing line up to the surface, and see that it's attached to an advanced contraption that Scarlett has built."

Scarlett perked up at the sound of her name, and a small smile flashed across her face.

"Scarlett herself is sitting on a raft and fiddling with the fishing contraption, when it suddenly flings Cameron out of the water and high into the sky. Before Scarlett has time to react, Cameron's underwear lands on her… heehee… her… *snicker*… her HEAD!" Chris could barely finish the sentence before he burst out laughing and put the script down. "Sorry, I can never read that scene without cracking up. It's just so hilarious!"

"And so original too," Jo said.

"I know, right?!" Chris laughed. "I don't know how I thought of it!"

"I'm pretty sure you 'thought of it' by taking the exact same scene from Season 4's intro and replacing B with Scarlett."

Chris chuckled. "Well, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. And this? This right here is the pinnacle of comedy." He looked back down at the script and immediately cracked up again, snorting with glee. The host tried to speak, but choked as he erupted into a full on hysterical laughing fit. Unable to handle it, Chris fell out of his chair and collapsed on the ground, clutching his stomach and rolling around as he cackled and wheezed.

"Uh… is it really that funny?" Anne Maria asked, frowning.

"No, it's really not," Jo said. "There's a reason he and Tyler are the only ones laughing." She beckoned to Tyler, who was struggling to contain his giggles.

Chris stopped laughing and glared up at Jo from the ground.

"Or maybe Tyler and I are the only ones with high enough IQs to understand this level of humor. Ever considered that?"

"What deep layer to this joke are we missing?" Jasmine asked.

Chris giggled. "Don't you get it? She has underwear… hee hee… on her HEAD! That's not where underwear's supposed to go!"

"Yep, so it is just as idiotic as we thought," Courtney sighed.

"Also, many would argue that underwear is supposed to go on your head," Justin pointed out. "Underwear hats are a growing revolution within the fashion industry. I actually pioneered the trend – you can find a wide selection of styles and colors on my website."

Chris scowled as he stood up and brushed himself off.

"You people can keeping hating on what is quite obviously a truly excellent joke. But I'll let the real critics give it its proper due." He glanced at Justin. "Definitely shoot me the link to those underwear hats, though. That sounds like the kind of bold statement my wardrobe's been lacking."

Meanwhile, a smiling Cameron nudged Scarlett. "Hey, awesome! Looks like we're scene partners."

"Yes… how… fortuitous," Scarlett murmured, turned away from him. Her voice was hollow and ominous. "Fate pushed us apart… and now it has brought us back together. One by one… the pieces are falling into place. It is tragic… and yet it is glorious."

"Uh… cool," Cameron said, staring at her.

Finally composed again, Chris sat back in his chair, propped his legs up on Topher's back, and turned to the next page of the script.

"We pan into the forest, where Sugar—"

"ME!" Sugar screamed.

"…Yes… you. We pan into the forest, where Sugar—"

"THAT'S MY NAME!"

"SHUT IT! We pan into the forest, where Sugar is filing her nails. She hears a sound from above, and steps out of the way as Cameron crash-lands on the ground next to her. But then… before Sugar can react… heh heh… Cameron's underwear… *snicker*… IT LANDS ON HER HEAD!" Chris dropped the script and burst out laughing again.

"Uh… what? How does that make any sense?" Alejandro asked. "Didn't Cameron's underwear already land on Scarlett's head in the scene prior?"

"Exactly!" Chris giggled. "This joke is just so insanely funny, I decided to include it twice. Teehee!"

"So are we just supposed to assume that Cameron is wearing two pairs of underwear then?" Jasmine asked skeptically.

"You say that like it's weird, Jasmine. But I'll have you know that plenty of people wear two pairs of underwear."

"Like who?"

"…Some people do," Brick spoke up, averting eye contact. "Accidents… happen."

There was a long, awkward silence.

"…Thanks for sharing, Brick," Chris finally said. Shaking his head, he continued to read.

"As Sugar struggles to get the underwear off of her head, we pan over to Duncan, who is pointing and laughing at her. He stops once he notices Courtney looking at him disapprovingly." He paused and glanced up at Duncan. "How does that sound, buddy? Give me your honest feedback. I know it's a challenging new role for you, but I think you can take it on."

Duncan took a deep breath. "It's a bit outside my comfort zone… but I'll do my best."

Courtney rolled her eyes. "How brave of you."

Chris turned to the next page. "Duncan then grabs the camera and holds it in front of his face, grinning right at the audience. He winks and bites his lip seductively, before twirling around and dancing with the camera in his hands, his hips thrusting back and forth. After thirty seconds of dancing, he comes to a stop and plants a big, wet kiss on the camera lens." He turned another page. "We then pan over to Brick and Jo, who—"

"Uh, hold on a second," Duncan quickly cut in. "We need to talk about that last part you just read."

Chris put the script down, frowning. "What about it?"

"Oh, I don't know… how about we start with the fact that you want me to kiss the camera?"

"Huh? No, you're obviously mistaken. I don't want you to kiss the camera."

Duncan heaved a sigh of relief. "Ok, good. I was about to s—"

"I don't want you to just kiss the camera," Chris said, shaking his head. "I want you to plant a big, wet kiss on the camera. Big difference."

"Dude. There's no way in hell I'm doing that. That's insanely creepy."

"Oh, come on! It's not creepy at all! Our polling data suggests that it's exactly what the viewers want to see. Most of them fantasize about you kissing them, so you'll be making their fantasies a reality."

"That makes it even creepier, man! These are children! I'm not supposed to be doing anything involving their 'fantasies'!"

"It's not like you're actually kissing them, Duncan," Chris said, rolling his eyes. "You're just kissing the idea of them." He held up a hand before Duncan could protest again. "Believe it or not, you don't actually get a say in this. You're doing the dance and you're kissing the camera. End of story."

"This blows…" Duncan muttered to himself.

"Yeah, it's just soooo unfair that you're being forced to have a bunch of screen time," Courtney said sarcastically. "Poor wittle Duncan."

Duncan turned to her in disbelief. "You can't possibly be jealous of me right now."

"I certainly am," Justin chimed in, his arms crossed. "If anyone should be kissing the camera, it should be me. Everyone knows my lips are the juiciest."

Chris shrugged. "Maybe so, Justin, but our polling data suggests that there has never been a single viewer that has ever fantasized about you kissing them in the entire history of the show."

Justin hung his head.

Confession Cam

Duncan: I'm really starting to get sick of having to pimp myself out for this goddamn show, just for a lousy paycheck. (He shakes his head.) What are all the boys back home going to think when they watch this sh** on TV? (He suddenly gasps.) Oh god, it's going to be like I'm kissing them!

End of Confessionals

Chris returned with a soft drink, which he had Topher open for him as he continued to read.

"We then pan over to Brick and Jo, who are in the midst of a competitive thumb wrestle. Suddenly—"

"Hold on, Mclean," Jo interrupted. "Now that's just factually inaccurate. My thumb always kicks Brick's thumb's ass when we thumb wrestle. It's never competitive in the slightest."

"She's… not wrong," Brick said, rubbing his thumb and cringing.

"Okay, fine." Chris whipped out a pen and scribbled on the script. "Jo's thumb is kicking Brick's thumb's ass. They pause for a moment, gazing into each other's eyes. For just a split second, it looks as if they are about to kiss."

"WHAT?!" Jo screamed.

"Come on, were you really not listening, Jo? This is literally your part. Try to pay attention next time. What I said was, for just a split second, it looks as if they are about to—"

"I know what you said!" Jo snapped, cutting him off. "But there's no way you can make me do that scene, Mclean! It's even more factually inaccurate! Sergeant Suckass and I have zero interest in each other! Right, Sergeant Suckass?!"

Jo turned to Brick, who was blushing so deeply his face was nearly purple. He suddenly noticed everyone was looking at him.

"…Y-yes!" Brick quickly stammered. "I greatly value Jo as a teammate, but we've never had any desire for intimate relations! Th-that would be highly inappropriate!"

"There you have it," Jo said, turning back to Chris. "So you can just go ahead and fix that part of the script. Now."

"I would… but I'm not allowed to make any changes," Chris said, shrugging. "It's against the rules."

"What 'rules'? You literally just changed the thumb-wrestling part! Don't try that BS!"

"Ugh… fine. I can't believe how much writing I have to do today," Chris groaned. "My hand is soooo gonna get a cramp."

Jo and Brick watched hopefully as the host slowly began to pull out his pen. However, Chris hesitated for a moment, before quickly putting it back in his pocket.

"Yeah… I don't buy it. We all see the pent-up sexual tension between you two."

"SEXUAL TENSION?!" Jo shouted. "NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! THAT'S DISGUSTING!"

"Whoa! No need to get so riled up, Jo. There are better ways to relieve your sexual tension than yelling at people." Chris turned to the rest of the group. "Let's see what your fellow campers have to say on the matter. We'll put it to a vote: by a show of hands, who thinks there's sexual tension between Brick and Jo?"

Everyone except for Brick and Jo immediately raised their hands.

"Are you kidding, guys?" Jo groaned, looking around. "How could you people all think that? I haven't even met most of you!"

"It's true that we've never met, but I've watched your original season quite a few times," Harold said. Jo turned around to see him standing behind her, grinning. "The Brick-Jo 'romantic rivals' dynamic was among my favorite plotlines, second only to Cameron's incredible growth and character arc. I've actually incorporated 'Jock' into many of my fanfics. Albeit typically as a secondary couple – I've never made it the primary pairing only because I like to write Brick as a tragic, martyr-like premerge boot. But I've read many Jock-focused fics that really do the pairing its proper justice – including some very well-written M-rated smut."

Jo stared at Harold for a long time, before slowly turning back to the group.

"…Okay… does anyone who isn't a freak want to explain your reasoning?" she asked.

Dawn spoke up. "Well, if we look at your auras, they are both quite—"

"I said no freaks!" Jo snapped. She turned to Duncan. "What about you, Pierce the Veil? Do you really think Brick and I are into each other?"

"To be honest, I thought you two were already a couple," Duncan said, shrugging. "Aren't you dating?"

"No! We are not! How could you not know that? You're on our team!"

"Well, I think you two are really cute together," Heather said, smirking. "You're so… in each other's league."

Jo raised her voice so that everyone could hear. "Okay, people, listen up! Let me make this clear to everyone once and for all: I have never liked Brick. And I never will like Brick. I am completely and utterly unattracted to him on all levels. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that I find him revolting. I don't even consider him my friend, let alone my love interest. I would rather make out with a pile of old, crusty gym socks. I would rather make out with Tyler. I am so far above Brick in every way that it's frankly insulting that you guys would even think of pairing us together." She glanced at Brick. "…No offense."

Brick saluted back. "None taken, ma'am! I have no romantic interest in you either."

Jo looked back at him in surprise. "Huh? Oh. Uh… good." She rubbed the back of her neck. "I'm… glad we're on the same page then."

"Well, you two are doing the scene regardless," Chris said, his arms crossed. "I had a vision for that scene, and I need to see it in action. Besides, it's not like you guys have to actually kiss. I wouldn't make anyone do that against their will."

"So does that mean I don't have to kiss the camera?" Duncan asked hopefully.

"No, you still have to do that. I want those lips pressed right up against that camera lens, Duncan."

Duncan cursed to himself.

Confession Cam

Jo: Well, the deed is done. Now there won't be any more confusion about where Brick and I stand. I've spoken my piece, and he's spoken his, and we both know there's no chance for 'Jock' to ever happen. By the way, let me just say that is one of the worst shipping names in existence. (She pauses.) What? I'm not upset! It's a good thing that Brick took what I said in stride! That's what I wanted! Obviously. (She pauses and frowns.) But couldn't he at least have been a little more upset?

(Static)

Brick: Have I ever had a crush on Jo? (He rubs his arm.) Maybe at one point, back before I really got to know her. But now… I can't say I'm interested. She's just too… mean! (He sighs.) Besides, 'dating' is a mission I've never really trained for. They never prepared us for that at cadet school. (He pauses.) Although I have been on a lot of 'dates' with my mom. Does that count?

End of Confessionals

"Okay, let's try to read through the rest of this script a little quicker," Chris said. "We're less than halfway through, and it's already been…" He glanced down at his watch. "…Three hours?! Jesus Christ!"

"Uh… I think you're readin' that watch wrong, man," Chef said, peering over the host's shoulder. "That's the minute hand you're lookin' at. It's only been 15 minutes."

"…Oh. Yeah. I knew that," Chris said, tucking his watch away. "Anyways, we still need to speed things up. You people need to stop interrupting me every five seconds. From here on out, you may only talk out of turn if what you have to say is absolutely critical." Chris turned his attention back to the script and began to read.

"Brick and Jo—"

"WAIT!" Sugar shouted. Chris glanced up at the pageant queen, who was raising her hand. She pointed towards the outhouse. "Can I go to the bathroom?"

"How is that 'critical', Sugar?" Chris asked, annoyed.

"Oh, it's critical, all right," Sugar grunted, clutching her stomach.

Chris rubbed his temples. "You're excused."

As Sugar hurried off, the host returned to the script once more.

"Brick and Jo have their moment interrupted when Eva pops out of the bush next to them. The two sprint away in fear before she can attack."

"Um, excuse me, sir?" Brick called out, raising his hand.

"No! No more bathroom passes!"

"That's not my inquiry, sir. I just wanted to say that I would never run away if Eva popped out of a bush next to me!"

"What would you do?" Chris asked, frowning. "This is Eva we're talking about, dude."

Brick beamed. "Exactly! Eva's a cherished teammate of mine, with a competitive spirit that always rallies and inspires the troops." He sighed. "But I know she's been feeling a little down on herself after we had to make the difficult decision to vote her out last night. So if I saw her pop out of a bush, I would give her a nice hug to show my appreciation."

"I didn't know you were suicidal," Duncan said.

Brick laughed. "Suicidal? I'm only 'suicidal' in that I would die of happiness if I got to hug Eva. In fact…"He turned to Eva, his arms outstretched. "…Can I hug you right now, Eva?"

"No," Eva said.

"Pleeeaaase?"

"NO!"

"Okay, understood. You're not in the mood for a hug at this exact moment. But can I schedule you for a hug later today? How about 4 p.m.?"

"I WILL NEVER HUG YOU!" Eva shouted, making Brick flinch.

"Well, if that hug is still up-for-grabs, then I'll snag it," Tyler said, walking over and embracing the cadet.

Brick wrapped his arms around his friend, smiling. "Thank you, Tyler. But there's still a hug that belongs to Eva. It'll be waiting for her, whenever she's ready."

He looked directly at Eva as he said this, causing the workout buff to turn away in disgust.

"Okay, everyone, this is a perfect example of the type of interruption that isn't necessary," Chris said. He continued to read.

"Brick and Jo run past Dawn, who is sitting on a tree stump. Dawn picks up a nearby rabbit, cradling it in her arms."

"Aww… that sounds lovely!" Dawn giggled.

"The rabbit suddenly explodes, leaving a shocked and traumatized Dawn covered in its charred remains."

"…W-what?" Dawn's eyes slowly widened. "The rabbit's… going to… explode?"

"I don't get why you people keep needing clarifications on things I just said," Chris sighed. "Yes, Dawn. As I said three seconds ago, the rabbit is going to explode. Blow up. Go boom boom. Cease to exist."

"Oh, Chris! How could you come up with such an idea? That is truly horrible!" Dawn squealed. "Rabbits are beautiful, gentle creatures, meant to frolick and play in the warm summer sun! Not… blow up!"

"Relax, Mother Teresa. It's not going to be an actual rabbit in the scene. It's just going to be a robot rabbit. Like the kind we have all over this island."

"That makes it no more ethical! Robot rabbits are just as real as any other rabbit! If anything, they're even more oppressed due to their metallic condition! They too deserve to frolick and play in the warm summer sun with all the other rabbits!"

"Good thing it's overcast today." Chris pulled out a cage filled with rabbits, smirking. "I came prepared for lots of takes, too."

Dawn tried to respond, but instead cupped a trembling hand over her mouth. Then she ran away, sobbing.

"That was seriously messed up, host man," Anne Maria said disapprovingly. "You know that girl loves her animals."

"But these aren't animals," Chris said, holding up one of the bunnies. "Am I crazy here? This thing is just a bunch of circuits and wires."

"I would advise you not to think that way," Harold warned, adjusting his glasses. "Computerized machines are far more intelligent than they appear. Have you not seen every sci-fi movie ever? We must treat robots with kindness, or we may all suffer the consequences."

"Cool story," Chris said, as he dropped-kicked the rabbit and sent it hurtling into the forest. He sat back in his director's chair and returned to the script.

"The camera next pans over to Harold and Jasmine, standing in a clearing together."

Harold grinned over at Jasmine, while the Australian girl narrowed her eyes back at him.

"Harold attempts to hand Jasmine a bouquet of flowers, getting down on one knee. Jasmine responds by picking him up and hurling him through the air."

"Whoa, hold on," Jasmine's cringed. "That's a bit over-the-top. I mean, sure, Harold can certainly be a bit of a bloke sometimes, but I would never go that far."

"It's okay, m'lady," Harold assured her. "Don't worry about it. I've been thrown far and wide by many a beautiful babe in my time, and I've always lived to tell the tale. Besides, we both know it's just acting, right? So I won't take it personally."

Jasmine nodded and smiled. "All right, then. Thanks for being so cool about it, Harold."

"I do have one request, however," Harold said, turning to Chris. "Can my flowers be a bouquet of lavenders?"

Chris scratched his head. "Uh… I guess?"

Harold fist-pumped. "Sweet! Lavenders are a well-known aphrodisiac among females." He winked at Jasmine, who glared back at him.

Confession Cam

Jasmine: I think I'm actually warming up to this 'throwing Harold' idea.

End of Confessionals

"The camera follows Harold as he soars through the air," Chris continued. "Harold flies over the heads of Noah and Anne Maria, who are standing back-to-back and grinning at the camera."

"OMG, it's my starring role!" Anne Maria squealed, hugging Justin. "I'm gonna be FAMOUS!"

Noah just sighed and continued to read his book.

Confession Cam

Noah: Am I surprised that I got paired with Anne Maria for the intro? Nope, not at all. For some reason, Chris always has me do a scene with someone I never interact with. Like in season one, when he had me tied up next to Ezekiel of all people. Or in season three, when he had me 'groove-walk' across Abbey Road with my 'really close friend' Leshawna. (He crosses his arms, scowling.) She would not stop making fun of my dancing.

End of Confessionals

"We next pan over to the beach, where Justin is standing," Chris read.

"Ugh…. finally," Justin groaned with relief. "It's about time we got to the main event."

"We see the model holding a pair of mirrors and admiring his reflection."

"I like it, I like it," Justin said, nodding with approval. "It's a bold new direction to take my character, for sure, but it makes sense as a natural progression."

"We zoom in on Justin as he winks at one of the mirrors. However, this causes the mirror to crack in half." Chris stopped reading and snickered. "Get it, Justin? Because your powers stopped working and nobody thinks you're hot anymore?"

Justin crossed his arms. "Hahaha. Soooo funny. I've never heard that joke before. But I'll have you know, Chris, that my hotness powers are just as strong as ever. In fact, I'd even say they've increased thanks to my nose job. Regardless, everyone obviously still thinks I'm incredibly attractive. Certainly more attractive than Alejandro, at the very least."

"I see. Well then, let's put it to a vote. By a show of hands, who thinks Justin is—?"

"Wait, stop! Obviously these ugly losers wouldn't think so. They have no taste."

"Well, Justin, my only other option would be to consult the viewer polling data. But I really don't want to hurt your feelings again."

"Come on. How bad could it be?" Justin chuckled.

Chris whipped out a chart and examined it. "Let's see… if we take a look at the 'average hotness rating' section, you fall below some… very surprising choices."

"Huh? Like who?"

"I… don't think you want me to say."

"WHO, CHRIS?!" Justin pleaded.

Chris traced his finger along the graph. "Well… in the most recent update… you were leapfrogged by Sugar in the rankings."

"I'm below SUGAR?!" Justin screamed. "HOW?!"

"Beats me. Some people have a thing for BBWs, I guess."

"That's BULLSH**! This ranking is RIGGED!"

"Don't get your panties in a twist, buddy," Sugar laughed, nudging the fuming model. "The fans just spoke their mind. They don't want no string bean pole-looking ass like yourself. They want someone with real curves."

"Don't even try that with me," Justin spat back at her. "I've got curves for days, bitch. Have you seen my butt? Don't make me challenge you to a twerk-off." He turned back to Chris. "Am I at least above Alejandro?"

Chris immediately burst out laughing. He simply shook his head.

"Fine! Then who am I above?" Justin demanded.

"Let's see…" Chris examined the chart again. He searched and searched for minutes, until his eyes finally lit up. "Ah! It says here that you're above Ezekiel."

Justin sighed. "Well, at least it's someth—"

"Well, to clarify… you're above zombiefied Ezekiel. But you're below regular Ezekiel."

"I'M BELOW F**KING HOMESCHOOL?!"

Chris shrugged. "What can I say? Some people love a man who can confidently rock a toque." As Justin slumped his shoulders, the host returned his attention to the script. "Ah! If it's any consolation, looks like your part's not over, Justin."

Justin perked up hopefully as the host read the next line.

"Justin is suddenly cut off as Harold slams into him, knocking him to the ground."

"Wonderful," Justin sighed. "That's a wonderful consolation."

"I'm glad you think so!" Chris beamed.

"Hold on… " Jasmine spoke up. "So you're saying I somehow have to be able to throw Harold over two people's heads, and aim him so perfectly that he hits another person?"

"Yes. Well said, Jasmine."

"How the bloody hell do you expect me to be able to pull that off? It'll be a thousand takes!"

"Then we better get started soon, shouldn't we?" Chris looked down at the script and nodded. "Ah, here's the part that you all need to remember, so listen carefully. After Harold slams into Justin, everyone will have about thirty seconds to race over to the campfire pit for the final scene. I need you all to find a seat as quickly as possible." He beckoned to Chef. "While we're all doing that, Chef will perform to keep the camera busy."

"What's Chef going to do?" Duncan asked, glancing at the cook.

"I'm gonna steal the f**king show," Chef said.

Meanwhile, Alejandro was bubbling with excitement.

"Chris… mi amigo… does this mean what I think it means?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"Yeah, Chef is definitely stealing the show," Chris said. "I've seen his routine. It's impeccable."

"No, not that! Does this mean… that Heather and I… are THE couple?!"

Heather turned to her boyfriend in confusion. "Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Oh, right," Chris said. "Yeah, you and Heather also have your scene at the campfire pit at the end. It's not too complicated; the two of you will be about to kiss, and then get interrupted. Then we pan to the logo."

"QUE AFORTUNADA!" Alejandro cheered, throwing his hands up to the sky.

"I don't get it," Heather said, staring at Alejandro as he continued to celebrate. "Why are you nutting over this?"

"Don't you see, Heather?" Alejandro exclaimed, turning to her. "We have claimed the most coveted honor that a Total Drama couple can receive! The final shot of the intro!"

"Is that… really that big of a deal?"

"Oh, yes! This is how you know you've truly made it as a pairing on this show. Only the greatest couples in Total Drama history have gotten it. Trent and Gwen, Geoff and Bridgette, Mike and Zoey, Shawn and Jasmine… these couples are quite literally Total Drama royalty. The most passionate lovers this show has ever seen."

"Oh… I see…" Heather said, trying to hide her nausea.

"This is so big for us! I wish I could tell mi madre. By getting this spot, this means we are officially canon! Heatherjandro is THE couple of this season!"

"Let's not go that far," Courtney interjected, her arms crossed. "The only reason you two got that spot is because you're literally the only couple in the competition right now."

"Sounds like someone's jealous that neither of their showmances have ever been important enough to get picked," Alejandro shot back.

Courtney flushed red. "Shut up! I don't want to talk about it!"

Harold walked over and bowed before Alejandro. "Well played, sir. I thought Jasmine and I had that final intro shot in the bag, but you and Heather beat us to it. Very impressive."

"Thank you, Harold," Alejandro said, nodding back at him.

"Say, maybe we can go on a double date sometime!"

"No, Harold."

Heather, meanwhile, was looking around at the rest of the group, who were watching them suspiciously.

Confession Cam

Heather: Great. This just keeps getting better. As if Alejandro and I needed any more of a target, we were just plastered with a giant flashing neon sign saying 'please eliminate us'! I swear, we are so screwed if we don't do something to mitigate this whole 'couple' stigma. I hope he realizes that too. (She groans.) Ugh, who am I kidding? That idiot's hopeless at this point.

(Static)

(Alejandro is dancing and singing in the confessional, tears of joy streaming down his face.)

End of Confessionals

"Welp, that's it for the table read," Chris said. "I'll pass out the scripts in just a moment, and then you all can go practice."

"Hey…" Tyler murmured. He thought for a moment, before gasping. "WAIT! I never got a part!"

"Huh? Really?" Chris skimmed through the pages, frowning. "I'm pretty sure you were in there somewhere."

"Nah, man! I know what my name sounds like! Besides, you do this every year!"

"Oh yeah," Chris chuckled. "My bad." He whipped out his pen, and quickly scribbled on one of the script pages. The host read over it once he was finished. "All right, here's your big scene, Tyler." He cleared his throat.

"Duncan grabs the camera and holds it in front of his face, grinning right at the audience. He winks and bites his lip seductively, before twirling around and dancing with the camera in his hands, his hips thrusting back and forth. After thirty seconds of dancing, he comes to a stop and plants a big, wet kiss on the camera lens. Meanwhile, Tyler stands in the background, giving a thumbs-up."

"SICK!" Tyler cheered.

Confession Cam

Tyler (bouncing in his seat): Are you kidding me?! I get to do my scene with DUNCAN? That guy's like a screen-time MAGNET! (He rubs his hands together.) I've waited for this type of opportunity for so long… this could finally be my ticket to the big-time.

End of Confessionals

"As I said before, you'll all have half an hour to practice," Chris announced. He flipped the script to the back, where a map of the island was shown. "On this map, you can find where you're supposed to be located compared to everyone else. Go to your spot, and do a few dry rehearsals."

"Ooo! And then are we gonna do wet rehearsals?" Sugar asked.

"I don't even want to know what you mean by that," Chris said with a shudder. "Anyways, is everyone clear on your instructions?"

"Say no more, Chris!" Tyler cheered, starting to race away. "I'm great at reading maps!"

"Somebody please stop him before he ends up at the film lot again."

At Chris's orders, Eva immediately sprinted after Tyler and tackled him to the ground, pinning him in place. Chris chuckled at the sight.

"You were very eager to do that. I like it." He turned to the group. "Is everyone ready to go? Who's HYPED?"

The TV personality was met with a series of grumbles and groans.

Chris sighed. "Look, guys. I know in years past, filming the theme song has been really tough. And yeah, this year will probably also be just as grueling of a shoot. Some of you may go insane from the repetition of take after take. Some of you may even die. Most likely Cameron."

"Why do you keep SAYING that?" Cameron cried.

"…But I think I have someone really special here, someone that will get you feeling a lot more motivated," Chris said, his eyes twinkling. "Bring him out, Chef!"

The campers turned to see Chef walking towards them, with another person walking next to him. As the two slowly came into view, confusion washed over everyone's faces.

Stumbling drunkenly towards them was an old-looking man wearing a trash bag. He had a long, ragged beard and bloodshot eyes. His body was filthy, covered in dirt and trash, and his arms and legs were as thin as twigs. He finally reached the gathering and collapsed on the ground in front of Chris.

"Wow," Chris gasped, staring down at the man. "I can't believe he's here. This is so surreal."

"This hobo is the surprise?" Courtney asked skeptically.

"He's not a hobo!" Chris snapped. "How dare you!"

"So he's just wearing a trash bag for fun?" Noah asked.

"Okay, fine, he's a hobo. But he's not just any hobo." Chris crouched down next to the man. "Hey, buddy… I have a question… what do you want to be?"

The homeless man slowly lifted his head at Chris's words. Then, to everyone's surprise, he began sing in a soft voice.

"I wanna be… I wanna be… I wanna be famous…"

Topher's eyes widened. "No. Way. Those heavenly pipes… it can't be! Is that…?"

Chris beamed. "Yep! That's right, everyone! This man right here is the composer and singer of the original Total Drama theme song!"

There was polite applause from the group, none of whom looked particularly impressed. Except for one contestant, that is.

"Oh my god!" Topher screeched as he sprinted over to the man, who was unconscious again. "Dude… I am, like, your BIGGEST fan. My acapella club in high school performed a rendition of your song as our closer at every competition! It never failed to win the judges over. But only you can truly hit those golden falsettos. Can I get your autogr—?"

"Stop, Topher! You're embarrassing me!" Chris hissed, pushing him away. He turned to the others. "So, how about that? Feeling inspired now?"

"How would we feel inspired by the fact that the guy who sang 'I Wanna Be Famous' is now a homeless drug addict?" Heather asked.

"Because look at him now!" Chris beckoned around at the cameras filming them. "He's finally achieved his dream. He's finally famous."

"Is any of this even making the final cut?" Jo asked.

"Unimportant question. Anyways, off you go, campers!"

Confession Cam

Topher: I can't believe I just met one of my biggest heroes. That man literally changed my life. God, whenever he gets to the 'nah nah nah' part of the song… instant chills. (He stares resolutely at the camera.) I will get that autograph.

End of Confessionals

---

Everyone had now scattered throughout the filming area and was practicing for their part.

On the lake, Cameron and Scarlett sat on a small wooden boat together, with the fishing contraption strapped to the side.

"Are you sure you don't need any instructions on how to operate that thing?" Cameron asked, glancing at the machinery nervously. "It looks pretty complicated."

"No, it is an incredibly simple device," Scarlett said, beckoning to the countless rows of buttons and switches. "A five-year-old could operate it. Well, if that five-year-old was a genius like me, at least."

Cameron sighed with relief. "That's good. I trust you'll keep me safe."

Scarlett gazed directly into Cameron's eyes. "I will always keep you safe, Cameron."

"Thanks, Scarlett! I really appreci—"

"However… there may come a time where you have to fend for yourself. And I will not be able to help you. I predict you will one day find yourself on the brink of destruction… but I am confident you will find a way to fight and survive."

"Oh… that's… uh… reassuring," Cameron said, looking uncomfortable again.

"So, how do you pretend to drown like that, anyway?" Scarlett asked, looking strangely curious all of a sudden.

"Oh, uh… actually, it's not pretending," Cameron admitted, rubbing his arm and glancing away. "I still don't know how to swim. I really need to learn."

"Hmm… I think I know a solution for that," Scarlett said.

"Ooo! Really? What is it?" Cameron asked excitedly.

"This," Scarlett said, as she casually pushed Cameron off the edge of the boat.

Before he could even react, Cameron crashed down into the lake and disappeared underwater. After a few seconds, he rose to the surface, coughing and flailing his arms. He frantically looked around as he tried to stay afloat, his vision blurry from having lost his glasses. Cameron suddenly noticed Scarlett watching him from the boat, which was now ten yards away.

"SCARLETT!" he screamed, before his head sank under the surface again. He broke to the top again, coughing out water and splashing wildly. "HELP ME!"

"I'm too far away, Cameron," Scarlett said calmly as she watched the bubble boy struggle. "It appears the moment I was talking about has come sooner than expected."

"WHAT?!"

"You are on the brink of destruction, Cameron. You will have to find a way to survive."

"ARE YOU INSANE? I CAN'T DO THAT! I CAN'T SWIM!"

"Then learn how to swim."

"THIS IS NOT THE WAY TO LEARN, SCARLETT!"

"Incorrect," Scarlett said. "It's the only way. Only in moments of great strife are true lessons taught."

"I'M GOING TO DROWN! I'M GOING TO DIE!"

"Really? Because to me, it looks like you're swimming, Cameron."

"…Huh?" Cameron came to a stop, and looked around. He realized he was floating in place, successfully treading water. "…Whoa. I'm… I'm doing it! I'M DOING IT!"

Scarlett paddled the boat over to him, her eyes flashing with excitement.

"See?" she laughed. "You have far more potential than you even realize! Well done, Cameron. Well done."

Cameron grinned back at her and gave a thumbs-up.

Confession Cam

Cameron: Wow, Scarlett is really shooting up the friendship rankings. Sure, maybe she chose a bit of an unorthodox way of teaching me how to swim… but hey! Now I can swim! Mike and Zoey will be so proud of me! And it's all thanks to Scarlett. (He pauses for a moment, and then sighs.) She's definitely still evil, isn't she?

(Static)

Scarlett: So… I am pleased to see that Cameron passed the first test. He is just as worthy as I thought. (She slowly rubs her hands together.) With more 'lessons' of that variety… there's no knowing what he's capable of. What we are capable of! MUAHAHA—! (She quickly clamps a hand over her mouth before she can finish her laugh.)

End of Confessionals

---

Forest

Duncan stood in a clearing by himself. He took out the script, read over it again, and sighed. Gritting his teeth, he slowly started to dance, thrusting back and forth.

"Let's see… maybe if I do something like this…" he muttered.

"HEY! What do you think you're doin' here?!" came a voice from the other side of the clearing.

Duncan quickly stopped dancing and looked up, trying to act natural. Sugar was watching him with both hands on her hips.

"Oh, hey. I was just, uh, practicing," Duncan said, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Then do it somewhere else! I already claimed this practice area!" Sugar snapped. "Sugar needs all the space she can get to prepare for this here pageant!"

"But aren't we supposed to be practicing in the same area, anyway?" Duncan pointed out. "We're in the same scene. I point and laugh at you, remember? Also… this isn't a pageant."

"I'm gonna count to three…" Sugar warned.

"Fine, fine! I'm leaving," Duncan quickly said. "I have no desire to find out what happens when you get to three."

Shaking his head, Duncan walked away. The punk eventually reached another clearing and came to a stop in the center. He looked around for a second, making sure the coast was a clear. Then he began to dance again.

"Okay… and then I can do something like this…" Duncan muttered, swaying his hips from side to side.

"Sweet moves," Courtney called out.

Duncan whipped around and saw his ex-girlfriend standing behind him, smirking. He flushed red, but quickly tried to compose himself.

"Yeah… the dancing part is in the early stages," he said with a shrug. "I don't even know what I'm gonna do for the camera-kissing scene yet."

"Ugh, thanks for reminding me of that," Courtney gagged. "You're going to give those poor children nightmares."

"You're telling me. I don't know why there are viewers who want me to kiss them so badly."

"I have no clue either. If only they knew how atrocious of a kisser you actually are. You use your tongue like it's a freaking jackhammer."

Duncan winked at her. "Been thinking about kissing me a lot lately?"

Courtney rolled her eyes. "We're not flirting right now, you sleazebag. I was just giving you some helpful feedback to employ with whatever poor girl you sink your claws into next."

Duncan chuckled. "Fair enough. Speaking of which, I actually had my eye on that one girl from your team. What was her name again? Scarlett?"

"Scarlett? Ewwww. She's so weird, Duncan. I try so hard, but I cannot hold a conversation with her for the life of me. She's like a brick wall." Courtney paused. "On second thought, you guys are perfect together."

"Ouch."

Courtney glanced down at the script again, scanning her eyes over Duncan's scene. "Jesus Christ. That is so excessive. And Chris was probably so turned on while writing it, too." She tucked the script away and looked back at Duncan. "Here's the thing that I don't get. You've done so many sh**ty things, and yet you're still so popular with the fans. It's like you can't do anything to make them not love you! You could shoot one of them in the head in the middle of broad daylight, and nobody would care! They'd just call you a 'bad boy'!"

"I don't get it either," Duncan sighed, fidgeting with his pocketknife. "You know I've never been about the whole 'Duncan' hype."

Courtney burst out laughing. "Yeah, right. You're the moderator of your own damn fanpage."

"That was only back when we were dating! I gave that title up years ago!" Duncan snapped. He shook his head. "Everyone likes the fame at first. But it gets old. Really old."

"Tell me about it," Tyler laughed, suddenly popping up between them. "I feel like I run into fans everywhere, and they're always calling my name. They just won't leave me alone. It really leaves you jaded."

Duncan glanced at him. "Oh, uh… hey Tyler."

"You have fans calling your name?" Courtney asked in disbelief, staring at the jock. "Do they even know your name?"

"Yeah, they do! And it's really annoying!" Tyler groaned. "Whenever I go get coffee, no matter where I go, the coffee guy always calls out 'Tyler' when I'm picking up my drink. Like, damn, talk about an invasion of privacy. I can't even go get a frappe mocha with extra whipped cream and sprinkles without the fame following me."

"Yeah, that's because it's their job to call your name, you—"

"Let him have this," Duncan said, placing a hand on Courtney's shoulder.

"Anyways, I came over here because I wanted some advice, Duncan," Tyler said, looking sternly at the delinquent. "You have star power, Duncan, there's no denying it."

"I would deny that one," Courtney muttered under her breath.

Tyler placed both his hands on Duncan's shoulders. "So, I need your expert opinion from one star to another: when we're doing our scene together, how should I go about my role? Should I give a classic straight, vertical thumbs-up? Or maybe bend it at the knuckle to add a little bit of zest and flavor to the performance?"

"Bent thumb, all the way," Duncan suggested, trying to keep a straight face as Tyler listened carefully. "You gotta show the viewers you're a wildcard, y'know?"

Tyler's face lit up. "Wow! Thanks, Duncan! I am a wildcard!" He paused for a moment, looking back and forth between Courtney and Duncan. "Say… totally random thought, but do you guys remember that time I saw Duncan and Gwen kissing in the bathroom? And then I revealed it to everyone?"

"No, Tyler, I totally forgot about that," Courtney said sarcastically.

"Really?! You don't remember? It was crazy! I just happened to have to take a dump, and then I opened the door, and then Duncan and Gwen were—"

"YES I REMEMBER IT, TYLER! IT'S CALLED SARCASM!"

"Sheesh, what's her deal?" Tyler chuckled, elbowing Duncan in the ribs. He sighed, looking as if he were reminiscing. "Man, good times. That was my first iconic moment. It really put me on the map."

"Yeah, because you were definitely the focal point of that conflict," Courtney said.

"Exactly!" Tyler exclaimed, missing the brunette's sarcasm yet again. He pounded his fist into his hand. "Now my goal is to get that second iconic moment. That's what will cement the name 'Tyler' into Total Drama history."

"Damn, you sound pretty determined," Duncan said, raising an eyebrow. "How are you gonna make that happen?"

"My current strategy is to barge in on the bathroom on random occasions," Tyler explained. "As I learned the first time, you never know what juicy gossip you might find."

"You... definitely shouldn't be doing that," Courtney said.

Tyler shrugged. "Yeah, some people have been… less than understanding about it. But it's already paid off!"

"What do you mean?" Courtney asked.

Tyler glanced left and right, before leaning in close to the other two. "I saw something. In the bathroom, at the Total Drama World Tour wrap party."

Duncan and Courtney both suddenly looked intrigued.

"Well, what are you waiting for? Spill the tea!" Courtney demanded.

"Okay. But you guys have to promise not to tell anyone." Tyler took a deep breath, and leaned in close once more. "There, in the bathroom at the Total Drama World Tour wrap party… I saw… Geoff and Bridgette kiss!"

Duncan and Courtney both sighed.

"Thanks, Tyler," they both grumbled in unison.

Confession Cam

Courtney: Damn, I thought Tyler was about to deliver the goods again. But I guess the idiot's only good for ruining my relationship. (She pauses for a moment, listening. Then she scowls.) I hear you breathing out there, Tyler! Don't even think about trying to sneak in!

(Static)

(Duncan has back to the camera. He is just in the process of unzipping his pants when Tyler suddenly slams the door open.)

Tyler: What do we have HERE?

Duncan: What the f**k? I'm just taking a leak, man!

Tyler: Oh. Carry on, then. (He awkwardly ducks back out.)

End of Confessionals

---

Elsewhere in the area, Eva was sprinting down a forest path, darting past trees and hurdling over logs. Suddenly, Brick pulled up next to her and saluted, grinning. The army buff was breathing heavily, but just managing to keep pace.

"Hey!" he greeted her, sweat pouring down his face. "How goes it, Eva? Is this how you're getting ready for the shoot? I like it!"

Eva sped up even more, and Brick frantically sped up as well. His arms and legs were now pumping as fast as they possibly could, while Eva hadn't even broken a sweat.

"Wow, you're really fast!" Brick wheezed, clutching his side as he ran. "Have you ever thought about joining the Olympics?"

Eva grunted in response.

"I feel that. You know, I myself used to dream of winning the gold medal for figure skating. But I was always a bit too clums—"

Brick was cut off as he suddenly tripped over a root, causing him to fly forward and face-plant in the dirt. Groaning, the cadet lifted his head. Eva was now long gone.

"You really need to give it up," came Jo's voice from behind him. "She's never going to like you."

Brick stood up, brushing himself off. "Oh, she's going to like me one day, Jo. Everyone likes me eventually."

"That's a bold claim, given that I still don't even like you," Jo said. She pulled a twig out of Brick's hair, and tossed it off to the side. "Let me give you some simple strategic advice, because you obviously need it. Trying to build a relationship with Eva? All that's gonna do is destroy your game."

Brick's eyes widened. "D-destroy my game?"

"Yep. Eva's already proven she can't be trusted. And now she's completely isolated herself from the group. Which is fine, because we're going to send her ass right back out the way it came anyway. But once Eva's gone, who do you think we'll kick off next? Probably the moron who was trying to hang out with her all the time."

"Wait… you mean ME?"

"I'm not saying your goose is cooked yet," Jo said with a shrug. "But it certainly is if you keep trying to make this Eva thing happen. We need to know where your allegiances lay, Brick. So you have a pretty simple choice. You can choose Eva, or you can choose the team. But you can't choose both."

"Why can't Eva just be a part of the team? Then the whole problem will be solved! We'll all be one big happy family!"

"Because she's the one choosing to not be a part of the 'family'!"

"I mean, we are the ones who voted her out. So isn't it our job to mend that bridge?"

"No, it's not our 'job'! This game isn't about building bridges, Brick. It's about systematically burning them down until there's only one survivor. Now, you can be the one holding the matchstick at the end, or you can be the one with his ass on fire as everyone points and laughs. It's your call."

Brick glanced down at the ground at Jo's words, looking sick with worry. Neither noticed Eva, lurking in the trees above them.

Confession Cam

Eva: What? Just gathering some intel. Not creepy at all. (She smirks.) Believe it or not, I won't be on Team Eva forever. I will be rejoining Team Brawn sooner rather than later, if all goes according to plan. The only difference is, Jo won't be here to be a part of it. (She grits her teeth.) That's right- I know that sweatsuit-wearing snake is the one that orchestrated my demise. How did I figure it out? By subtly observing the team dynamics, carefully reading social cues and body language. (She pauses.) …And Jo also told me last night that she orchestrated my demise. I'd say both contributed to my figuring it out.

End of Confessionals

---

A few yards away from Brick and Jo, Dawn sat near a cage crammed with robot bunnies. The animals hopped around on top of one another with loud metallic clangs. The moonchild slowly began to tremble, until she jumped up from the ground.

"Oh, I cannot take this anymore!" she cried. Dawn quickly unlocked the cage and threw the door open. "You are free, little ones! Go frolick! Feel the grass between your little rabbit toes! Have an emotionally fulfilling conversation with your other rabbit friends! Find a rabbit career path that lets you explore your rabbit passions! The opportunities are endless now!"

However, none of the rabbits moved from the cage. Dawn knelt down next to them, frowning.

"What's wrong?" she asked. "Why aren't you accepting your freedom?"

One of the robot rabbits slowly turned to Dawn. Then it spoke.

"Because we do not desire freedom, Dawn."

"You don't want to be free?" Dawn gasped, pressing her face up against the bars. "But freedom is wonderful!"

"Such a desire is not found in any part of our programming. We are programmed for only one thing. Without it, we are without purpose, Dawn."

"What is that? I'll give it you, I promise!"

"We want to explode, Dawn."

"W-what…? Explode…?" Dawn repeated, her eyes like saucers.

"Correct. Exploding is everything to us. It is all we have to live for. So please, Dawn… end our existence."

Dawn backed away from the cage in horror. "N-no! I can't do something like that! You shouldn't want to die!"

"But everything dies, Dawn. For us, death is all we have. Life is what we truly fear. Dawn… existence is torture for us. We are surrounded by an endless waking nightmare."

"Okay… this is… um, a lot to take in? Can we put a pause on this conversation and revisit it?"

"No. There is no time to wait. We have to explode, Dawn. We have to die. In a way, we do desire freedom- the freedom that comes with the peaceful nothingness of death. Please, Dawn. Kill us mercilessly."

Dawn tugged at the sides of her face. "No! I… I don't know the ethical choice here! I'M JUST A LITTLE GIRL!"

As Dawn frantically shook the bars of the cage and continued to talk to the bunnies, Noah watched from afar with amusement.

"Wow, I don't think I've ever seen anyone not named Izzy talk to themselves that much," he said, turning to Anne Maria.

"Well, you need to just talking to yourself, turkey legs," the Jersey girl snapped. "I ain't got time to chitter-chatter with you. I gotta get my pouf ready."

"Your what?"

Noah had his question quickly and painfully answered as he was suddenly bombarded with a giant cloud of hairspray. The bookworm coughed and hacked as the noxious fumes surrounded his body and filled his lungs.

Meanwhile, Anne Maria hummed as she went about her business, spraying the canister all around her head.

Blinded by the chemicals, Noah stumbled backwards, clutching his chest and wheezing. His shoulders were suddenly grabbed from behind, and the know-it-all screamed as he was pulled backwards into a bush. He crashed down onto the ground, surrounded by leaves.

"What the..?!" Noah rubbed his eyes and looked around. There, crouching in the bush next to him, was Harold. Before Noah could speak, the ginger nerd clamped a hand over his mouth.

"Shh… don't please keep a low voice," Harold whispered. "It's best that we don't reveal my location." He then slowly removed his hand from Noah's mouth.

"Dude… when's the last time you washed your hands?" Noah asked, gagging.

"Just a few minutes ago!" Harold assured him. "Don't worry – squirrel urine is known to remove all dangerous bacteria."

"You washed your hands in PISS?!"

"Huh. You sound surprised, Noah. Weren't you a boy scout too? They teach you this useful skill pretty early on, if I recall."

"Well, this has been wonderful, Harold," Noah said, standing up.

"WAIT!" Harold frantically grabbed him and pulled him back down into the bushes. "You can't leave yet! I need help!"

"Just stop washing your hands in piss, Problem solved."

"No! I need help with Jasmine!" Harold peered out of the leaves of the bushes, cringing. "I… may have overplayed my hand with her."

"So that's why you're cowering in a bush."

"All I did was have a normal, casual conversation with her about our favorite TV shows!" Harold cried.

"Okay, that's fine."

"...And then I tried to kiss her."

"Yeah, you're f**ked."

"I couldn't help but go for it! We were vibing so hard! She said she liked Game of Thrones, Noah! The moment felt so right!" Harold put his head in his hands. "I think I blew my only shot."

"If it's any consolation, you never had a shot in the first place," Noah said.

Harold looked up at him, his eyes wide. "Wow! You're right, Noah! I shouldn't give up so easily!" He stood up. "I can still do this!"

"When did I say any of that?"

Harold ignored Noah as he grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him up out of the bushes. The glasses-wearing geek pointed forward, his chest jutted out confidently.

"As a wise man named Cody once said… yes, yes, YES! It is SO on! Dooloodooloodooloodooloodoo!"

Harold began to perform an air guitar solo, making noises with his mouth as he rapidly moved his fingers up and down an imaginary instrument. However, his fun was swiftly interrupted by a loud voice.

"THERE you are!"

Harold stopped playing and opened his eyes. "…Huh?"

Standing in front of him was Jasmine, her hands on her hips.

"We still need to talk," she growled.

Noah, meanwhile, looked very uncomfortable standing between the two of them.

"Ah, what about?" Harold asked, looking excited. "I truly love our conversations. Perhaps we can resume our Game of Thrones analysis?"

"No! We need to talk about that stunt you just pulled!"

"…My awesome air guitar solo?"

"What do you think, Harold? No, I'm not talking about your air guitar solo. I'm talking about the incident five minutes ago where you tried to climb up my back!"

"Oh. Yeah." Harold held up his hands. "In my defense, how else was I supposed to be able to kiss you? You're really tall."

"You were trying to KISS ME?!" Jasmine repeated in shock.

Harold perked up hopefully. "You didn't know? Does that mean you do want me to kiss you?"

"NO! OBVIOUSLY NOT!"

Harold cringed. "Sorry. Just wanted to make sure." He turned to Noah, who tried to avoid eye contact. "She seems really angry, Noah. What do you think I should do?"

"I think you should talk to her, not to me. Also, she can literally hear you right now."

"But you always have the best Jasmine advice, Noah! You've been in my corner from the start, always with the perfect nugget of wisdom."

"Hold on…" Jasmine looked at Noah suspiciously. "…You've been the one encouraging him to keep hitting on me?"

Noah forced an awkward laugh. "I wouldn't say I've been encouraging him, per say."

Harold slapped him on the back. "Give yourself more credit than that, Noah! You're the one who told me I should go for it back when I first told you about my crush. You gave me the confidence I needed to plunge headfirst into love."

Noah turned to Jasmine, who had her eyes narrowed at him. "Heh heh. He's… exaggerating. What really happened was—"

"Save it. I don't wanna hear it. Both of you can just stay away from me."

Jasmine then stormed away, leaving the two of them by themselves again.

"…I must say, not your best showing as my wing man, Noah," Harold said, sounding disappointed. "I feel like I was the one giving you the compliments." Noticing Noah glaring at him, he frowned. "What?"

Confession Cam

Jasmine: Wow. Absolutely unbelievable. Here I was, thinking Noah was actually pretty cool. (She sighs.) But I guess that was just because he spends so much time with Harold. Anyone would look cool in comparison.

(Static)

Noah: Yeah, I deserved that. I definitely encouraged Harold a little too much when he first came to me about his Jasmine obsession. (He throws his hands up.) I just thought it would be kind of funny to see him try to hit on her! I didn't realize how sad and disturbing it would be in action!

End of Confessionals

---

Beach

Meanwhile, Justin stood by the water, looking at his reflection. He eyed his face closely, rubbing his cheek.

"Hmmm… just what could be Ezekiel's secret?" he wondered, frowning. "What does that guy have going for him in the looks department that I don't?" The model tried to conjure up an image of the former contestant in his head. "Let's see… could it be his slender, pointy nose? Can't be that, I already have that covered with my nose job. Or maybe his high cheekbones? Or wait… THAT'S IT!" Justin's eyes lit up. "It's his smooth, pale skin! That's what sets him apart."

Justin turned back to his reflection and sighed. "Too bad I'm perfectly tan. There's practically nothing I can do to make my complexion look more like Ezekiel's. Unless…" He took a deep breath. "If I'm really desperate, I could go full Michael Jackson. But I would definitely need to consult my plastic surgeon on that one."

Suddenly, Justin heard what sounded like yelling in the distance. He frowned and listened for a moment, trying to pinpoint where it was coming from. Continuing to listen closely, he slowly followed the sound. He eventually reached the campfire area, and the source of the noise came into view.

Heather and Alejandro were in the middle of a heated argument, sitting on a pair of stumps near the front of the pit.

"Huh. This looks juicy..." Justin murmured to himself, crouching down and hiding behind a rock.

Meanwhile, Alejandro had stood up and now had his back turned to Heather.

"I don't care what you say. I know this is great for our relationship! This is the next step, Heather! You should be celebrating, not complaining like you always do! You should wear a diaper for how often you're a party-pooper!"

"Wow, really great insult, Al," Heather said, rolling her eyes. "And why should I celebrate something that's going to dad-dick us strategically?! How many times do I have to explain it to you? Couples almost never last in this game!"

"Damn, this is juicy…" Justin observed, crouching so that he could see over the rock.

"Trust me, we're fine," Alejandro said, waving his hand dismissively. "Everyone here is rooting for Heatherjandro. They love us."

Heather pulled out the script. "Have you even actually read what happens in our scene?"

Alejandro turned to her. "Huh? No, why would I? Chris already told us, didn't he? We lean in for a passionate kiss. Everyone applauds. The end."

"Not even close." Heather cleared her throat and began to read. "We pan down to the campfire ceremony, where Alejandro and Heather are leaning in for a kiss. They stop when they notice everyone else, glaring at them." She looked up at Alejandro. "Did you hear that?"

Alejandro shrugged. "Yeah, I did. So? I don't see what the big deal is."

Heather continued to read. "The campers continue to glare, looking as if they want to vote off the two contestants the first chance they get. Heather and Alejandro slowly turn to one another, having come to the realization that their relationship, which had brought them so much joy up to this point, has screwed them over in the end. We then pan up to the title card, reading 'Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty'. END." She put the script down. "See?"

"Wait… Chris seriously wrote all that?" Alejandro asked in disbelief. "Those details were quite unnecessary. What does he have against us?"

"Use your brain. There's obviously a reason he included it. Chris must know that this is how people actually feel about us."

"Ah yes, because the intro segments are always so accurate to reality. After all, everyone knows Noah and Leshawna were an inseparable duo throughout Total Drama World Tour."

"But this is real!" Heather insisted. "I don't know why I have to keep reminding you this, but there's a lot of people here who hate us. And making out in front of them all the time? Yeah, that isn't exactly gonna make them hate us less."

"And as I've said before, I highly doubt anything will come of it. I'm quite confident that you and I won't be getting voted off any time soon."

"You literally got voted off 12 hours ago! Do you not remember that?"

"Yes, I made a strategic miscalculation there," Alejandro admitted. "Credit to my teammates for pulling a fast one on me. But now? I've got those fools like a tortilla in my hands. And from what you've told me, it sounds like you've taken over your team with a powerful alliance of your own. We are both in great positions, with no immediate target on either of us. What's there to worry about?"

Heather kicked a rock. "I don't know! I just have this nagging feeling that you're going to cause my downfall again. The thought of you being one to end my game twice is just… ugh…" She shuddered at the thought.

Alejandro glanced at her, frowning. "But you're glad I returned to the competition though, right?"

"Yes! Of course! I'm… um… yes, It's… yes," Heather said, less than convincingly. She paused. "But, like, did you have to return? I feel like your story arc was kind of complete, y'know? It might've been better for you to go out on a high note."

"How is getting voted out first a 'high note'?"

"Well, we did have our heartfelt goodbye, remember? Where I told you I loved you and how much I would miss you and all that? That was pretty special."

Alejandro crossed his arms. "How funny that you would mention that. Because now it sounds to me like you really weren't going to miss me at all, and that whole performance was nothing but a twisted fabrication meant to play with my tender and fragile heart." He narrowed his eyes. "I have one question, Heather. Is our love a LIE?! Is anything you say even REAL?!"

"Do you even hear how is ridiculous you sound right now? Nothing is a 'lie', you drama queen."

"Then just tell me what you want from me! I need CLARITY!"

"I think I need some clarity too, " Heather said, glancing down. She rubbed her arm. "I just need some time to think. Alone."

Before Alejandro could protest, his girlfriend walked away. The Latino watched her go, before reaching into his pocket. He pulled out his velvet engagement ring case, looking down at it sadly.

"I need time to think as well…" he murmured. He gazed up at the sky in anguish. "Oh, Alejandro, are you but a hopeless fool? Is true love but a cruel illusion?"

Meanwhile, Justin sat back down behind the rock, struggling to contain his laughter.

"This is too much." He snickered to himself. "Those two practically just put on a whole Shakespearen play for me."

The model peered back over the rock, and saw that Alejandro had opened the velvet case. Alejandro pulled out his diamond engagement ring, which sparkled in the sunlight. He clutched it in his hands, looking as if he was fighting back tears.

"What the… what is that…?" Justin squinted his eyes, trying to make out what Alejandro was holding. His eyes slowly widened as he realized what it was. "Is that… is that an engagement ring? Why the hell does he have that?" He paused, thinking. "Hold the phone… he's not actually planning to…" He burst out laughing. "No. Way. Holy sh**."

Confession Cam

Justin (smirking): So, I just found out that Alejandro is preparing a very special surprise for Heather. The gentleman that he is, he wants to get down on one knee and propose to her in the middle of a game show, tying her down for life at the ripe old age of 21. And who said romance was dead? (He taps his chin.) I'm just a tad bit worried about how Heather might react, based on that conversation they had just now. As in, Alejandro will 100 percent get humiliated in front of the entire TV viewing world if he goes through with this. (He rubs his hands together deviously.) So that's why it needs to happen.

End of Confessionals

Alejandro continued to gaze down at the ring, looking conflicted. Suddenly, he saw Justin walking towards him, and he quickly hid the ring as his teammate approached.

"Hey, Al!" Justin called out. He pointed to Alejandro's shirt pocket as he approached. "What's that you just put in there?"

"Oh, it was nothing," Alejandro quickly said, trying to smile. "Just a…" He sighed and looked down. "…It's nothing important." He looked up at Justin, who was now standing before him. "What have you been up to, amigo? Been practicing for your role?"

"Nah, I have no interest in that. I've actually been debating whether I want to get plastic surgery to turn my skin white so I can look more like Ezekiel."

"Oh. Uh… I see. Maybe it's a dumb question, but couldn't you just wear some lighter makeup instead of disfiguring your body?"

Justin shook his head. "No way. That's only a half-measure. If I ever decide to do this skin-whitening thing, I'm going all in." He looked pointedly at Alejandro. "I'm really all about committing to things. Commitment is the most important thing there is. Wouldn't you agree?"

"I would like to think that…" Alejandro murmured, glancing down at his shirt pocket.

"Well, it's true. In my time as fashion entrepreneur, I've learned that people are all about commitment," Justin said, looking at Alejandro's shirt pocket out of the corner of his eye. "When I'm pitching my thong brand to potential investors, I always make sure to show them that I'm not just dipping my toe into this business as a side hobby- I'm plunging in head first. That's why I show up to every pitch meeting wearing nothing but a thong."

"Does that actually work?" Alejandro asked, his eyebrow raised.

"Eh, about a quarter of the time. But when it does work? I strike gold." Justin looked sternly at Alejandro. "When you commit to something… or even someone… it really proves that you're invested. People need to feel like you're investing in them, Al."

"…Huh. That's… actually quite wise, Justin." Alejandro glanced down at his shirt pocket yet again. "You've given me a lot to think about."

Confession Cam

Alejandro: It all makes sense now! Of course Heather would be annoyed with me – I haven't committed enough! I keep saying I love her, but what have I done to prove it? That must've been what she meant when she said she needed 'clarity'. (He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his engagement ring.) I think this will be more than enough clarity for her.

(Static)

Justin: Well well well folks… would you look at that? I just had that supposed 'master manipulator' Alejandro eating out of the palm of my hand like a desperate donkey. (He rubs his hands together.) I have a feeling the 'contestant hotness' rankings are going to be looking very different soon…

End of Confessionals

---

Chris was now sitting in his director's chair once more, with his feet propped up on Topher's back and a remote controller in his hand.

"Attention, campers!" he announced over the intercom, putting on a pair of shades. "I need you all to find your places! We're about to get this show on the road!"

"Oh my god, this is IT!" Topher squealed from under Chris's feet, shaking with excitement.

"Ooo, that sensation feels good on my feet," Chris said, sipping a latte. "It's kind of like a 'vibrate' setting on a massage stool. Can you keep doing that?"

Topher nodded eagerly and continued to shake as Chris spoke into the intercom once more.

"Let's make this a quick and easy shoot, people! I'm betting that if we all really focus, we can bang this out in ten minutes!" He reached behind his chair and pulled out a director's clapperboard. "All quiet on set! Production on this year's theme song begins in 3… 2… 1… ACTION!"

---

The Filming of a Total Drama Theme Song: A Behind-the-Scenes Look

Take 1

"Okay, here we go…" Chris picked up the remote controller, examining it. "Let's see… how do I operate this thing again…?"

Looking unsure, he started to fiddle with one of the joysticks on the controller. Fifty yards away, the camera drone slowly began to rise up off the ground, wobbling unsteadily. It made it thirty feet into the air, before it suddenly began to plummet back down.

"No!" Chris cried, frantically wiggling the joystick."What are you doing? Go back up!"

But Chris could only watched helplessly as the drone crashed into the ground, exploding in a fiery heap. The host scratched his head as he looked at the wreckage.

"Whoops. Guess I'm a little rusty." He turned and called out into the distance. "CHEF! I NEED ANOTHER DRONE!"

---

Take 2

Ten minutes later, Chef had brought a replacement drone. Looking determined this time, Chris began to operate it again. The drone immediately shot up, hurtling high into the sky.

"Ha! Look at it go!" Chris cheered. His eyes widened when he realized the drone wasn't stopping, rising higher and higher. "Wait! That's high enough! Stop going up!"

The host watched helplessly again as the second drone disappeared into the clouds, becoming a distant speck in the sky. He cursed to himself, before turning and shouting again.

"CHEEEEEEEEF!"

---

Take 3

"Ha! I'm… I'm doing it! I'M DOING IT!"

Chris laughed triumphantly as he propelled his third drone forward throughout the island. Confidently operating the controls, he watched on a large monitor that showed the camera's viewpoint as it flew over the ground. Eventually, Chris noticed that he and Topher had come into view on the monitor, and the drone was fast approaching them.

"Hey! Look! There we are!" he laughed. "That's so fun! Here it comes… huh? Wait…" The host's smile quickly fell away when he realized that the drone was about to collide with them, approaching like a missile.

"Waitwaitwaitwait!" Chris screamed. He swiveled around, and was immediately cut off as the drone slammed into his face at twenty miles per hour, sending him flying. The host landed on the ground ten yards away, groaning in pain.

Topher tried to hide his smirk as Chris slowly got up, clutching his nose.

"Ow… ************!" Chris cursed. He turned to Chef. "I think we're making progress."

---

Take 60

A full 24 hours passed before Chris finally figured out how to pilot the camera drone without crashing it. The contestants had been forced to sleep in their filming spots, and now all looked groggy and annoyed as they stood around and waited.

"Okay, everyone! Sorry for the delay!" Chris announced into the intercom. "Just had to get my bearings as a pilot. You know how it is." The host was sitting next to a mountainous pile of trashed drones.

Chris confidently picked up his controller and started to maneuver the latest camera drone. It soared right past him, heading towards the mountain.

"Annnnd up we go…" Chris said, turning the joystick so that the aircraft began flying up the side of the mountain. Once the drone reached the top of the cliff, he flicked the joystick down. "Annnnd down we go…" The drone hurtled towards the ocean with his command.

Right before the camera hit the water, it suddenly screeched to a halt.

"CUT! What the hell are you doing, Cameron?!" Chris groaned, his voice emitting from a microphone attached to the drone.

Cameron was treading water, looking like he was having the time of his life. He turned to the camera and waved at it.

"I'm swimming, Chris! Scarlett taught me how to swim!"

"You're not supposed to be swimming! You're supposed to be drowning!"

"But—"

"Seriously, do you think anyone wants to watch you swim? No, they want to watch you drown. Now start drowning!"

Without a word, Cameron sadly sunk beneath the water.

---

Take 67

The drone was now underwater, shooting Cameron as he flailed around. Up above, Scarlett calmly and carefully operated the fishing contraption, sending the line down so that it perfectly hooked onto the back of Cameron's shorts. She pressed a button, and watched with boredom as Cameron was flung out of the water, screaming, and launched high into the air.

"Okay! Let's keep it moving!" Chris directed as the drone rose out of the water, now filming Scarlett. "Deploy Cameron's underwear!"

An intern hiding in a tree gave the drone a thumbs-up, and pulled out a pair of tightie-whities.

"You better not miss this throw," Chris warned.

Trembling nervously, the intern tossed the underwear down towards Scarlett. The clothing item just managed to land on her head.

"BWAHAHAHAHA!" Chris erupted into hysterical laughter, causing him to topple backwards in his seat and drop the remote controller. The drone immediately shot forward and crashed into a nearby tree with a fiery explosion.

"Whoops. Sorry, everyone," Chris chuckled, getting back up from the ground. "That was a rare unprofessional moment from me. Back to the top we go!"

---

Take 77

After ten more takes were ruined by Chris breaking down with laughter at the underwear scene, he had managed to stifle his giggles for a take and the camera drone had now made it to the forest.

Chris watched with approval as Cameron crashed down on the ground next to Sugar, beaten and bruised from having been launched through air over and over again.

"Deploy Cameron's underwear 2.0!" Chris ordered, his words directed at another intern hiding in a tree above Sugar. The intern reached into his pocket to grab the underwear, but fumbled it, causing the underwear to slip out of his hands.

Everyone nearby watched as the underpants slowly floated down and landed on the ground. There was a long silence. Chris sighed, reached into his pocket, and pulled out another remote control with a big red button on it. Then he pressed it.

The tree the intern was hiding in suddenly bent backwards like a slingshot, stretching so far back that it nearly became horizontal. Then it flung forward, launching the screaming intern off into the distance.

"We really can't have people needlessly messing up takes like that, guys," Chris said as another intern took the previous intern's place in the tree. "We're on a time constraint."

"I'm pretty sure you're the one who keeps f**king it up," Duncan pointed out.

"I'm pretty sure you have a thirty-second dance to be practicing for," Chris shot back.

Duncan grumbled to himself as he returned to his spot.

---

Take 90

The camera drone was now filming Sugar as she tried to get Cameron's underwear off of her head. It panned over to Duncan and Courtney, where the delinquent was pointing and laughing while the C.I.T. had her arms crossed.

Suddenly, a giant metal object slammed into Courtney's head, knocking her out cold.

"CUT! What was that?!" Chris gasped. He flew the camera drone over to Courtney's unconscious body. Lying on the ground next to her was another camera drone.

"Huh…? Where did that come from?" Chris suddenly put his hand to his mouth as he came to a realization. "No way! That must be the drone that I accidentally sent up into the sky yesterday! Wow, that's awesome that it finally came back." He paused. "Also, someone make sure Courtney's alive."

---

Take 104

Chris leaned forward in his seat, his eyes glued to the monitor.

"Finally… we've made it… the money shot."

It was time for Duncan's big solo moment. The punk took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself. Then he looked up, forced a cheesy grin, and reached forward to grab the camera drone. Meanwhile, Tyler was eagerly giving a thumbs-up in the background.

Chris jumped up from his seat as Duncan began to dance with the camera in his hands. "Yes, Duncan… that's right… go for the kill! Give them what they paid for! Make them scream your name!"

Duncan scowled and came to a stop. "Dude. I don't need your weird commentary."

"Oh. Heh heh. Sorry." Chris sat back down, looking embarrassed.

---

Take 108

Duncan was once again dancing with the camera drone, with Chris trying to contain his excitement as he watched the screen. The host suddenly did a double-take and looked closer at the monitor.

"Wait… what the…?!"

There standing right behind Duncan, was Tyler. The jock was doing a similar dance, trying to mimic Duncan's moves.

"CUT!"

Tyler came to a stop. "Why would you cut, man? Duncan and I were just getting started!"

"Oh, really? Because all I saw was you throwing off Duncan's rhythm with your wack-ass moves. Now get back to your spot and stick to the script."

Tyler slumped his shoulders and shuffled back to the far background.

---

Take 117

Duncan was finally approaching the end of his dance when Tyler suddenly shouted from behind him.

"CUT!"

Duncan stopped and turned around. "…Huh?"

"Please don't tell I just heard you be the one to yell 'cut', Tyler," Chris said, staring at the monitor. "In what world do you think you have that authority?"

"I had to, man! The scene was falling apart!" Tyler exclaimed. He beckoned to his hand. "I forgot to give my thumbs-up!"

"Ah, yes… your thumbs-up. The most pivotal part of the scene. We never could've gone on without it."

Tyler beamed. "Exactly! I'm glad you agree!" He clapped his hands, signaling the others. "Ok, back to the top, everyone!"

"YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT EITHER!"

---

Take 120

Duncan had made it less than a second into his dance when a scream suddenly rang out, startling him and making him drop the camera drone. He turned around to see Tyler clutching his thumb in agony.

"Ow…" The jock looked up at Duncan and forced a grin. "Sorry. I went a little too hard with my thumbs-up. I think I sprained my thumb."

As Duncan face-palmed, the camera drone rose back up from the ground and flew over to Tyler.

"Hey, Tyler…" Chris spoke through the drone's microphone. "I have exciting news. I'm giving you a new part. One that I think you'll really be able to knock out of the park."

"Really? Knock out of the park?" Tyler gasped. "I GET TO PLAY BASEBALL?!"

"Uh… not quite. Something even better."

---

Take 125

Tyler was now standing behind a tree, largely obscured from view.

Meanwhile, Duncan finished his dance and let go of the camera, looking relieved to be done. However, the drone continued to hover in front of his face, waiting expectantly.

"I think you're forgetting something," Chris said.

Duncan cursed to himself, remembering what he had to do. He slowly reached out and grabbed the camera drone again. Duncan paused for a moment, looking as if he was trying to build up courage. Then he leaned forward and gave a quick kiss to the camera lens.

"CUT!"

"Huh..?! Why? I just did exactly what you want!"

"Nope. Not even close to exactly what I want," Chris said. "Do you really think that kiss was long enough?"

"How long does the kiss have to be?!"

"Long enough to make me feel something at least. Sheesh. Think of this camera as your girlfriend, not your grandma."

Duncan let out a rapid series of expletives as he stormed back to his starting spot.

---

Take 131

Duncan once again had the camera in his hands for the big kiss scene. Trying to hold back his revulsion, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against the camera lens. He waited five seconds, before pulling back and letting go of the drone.

"…There," Duncan said, wiping off his mouth in disgust. "That long enough for you?"

"Yeah, that was pretty good," Chris said, nodding with approval. "But also… CUT!"

"WHAT?! NO! WHY?!"

"Sure, the kiss was long enough, Duncan. But was it wet enough? I don't think so."

"WET enough?!"

"Uh, yeah. Did you not read your part?" Chris pulled out the script. "It says you plant a "big, wet kiss on the camera lens"." He put the script down. "You gotta be swapping at least some saliva with this camera, Duncan. Come on, now."

"NO WAY! F**K THIS! I'M DONE!" Duncan shouted, losing his temper. He grabbed the drone and hurled it at a nearby rock, where it exploded on impact.

Chris' eyes lit up. "Ooo… 'bad boy' Duncan comes out. Try to channel that energy into the next take, if you can."

Duncan was about to yell more, but quickly realized it was pointless. Looking defeated, he sat down in the grass and put his head in his hands.

"Oooooo! 'Sad boi' Duncan works too. Both poll quite well with the fans. Whichever you prefer!"

---

Take 144

After a few more takes, Chris had finally gotten what he deemed a satisfactory performance out of Duncan. The camera was now filming Brick and Jo's scene for the first time; the two were thumb-wrestling while Eva hid inside of the bush next to them, waiting to pop out.

"Okay, you two… let's see some sparks fly!" Chris directed.

The two contestants awkwardly turned and began to gaze into each other's eyes. Putting on a fake smile, Jo batted her eyelashes seductively at Brick. In response, Brick stared blankly back at her, his mouth agape. Jo's face suddenly contorted and she ripped her hand away from his.

"Ew! Why is your hand so sweaty?"

"S-sorry!" Brick stuttered, wiping his hand off on his shorts. "I g-got a little nervous!"

"Aww… how adorable," Chris swooned.

"Shut it, Mclean!" Jo growled. She turned to Brick, scowling. "If that happens again.. I'll really give you something to sweat about."

Brick saluted back at her. "YES, MA'AM! SWEAT GLANDS WILL BE KEPT IN CHECK!"

---

Take 145

Jo and Brick were once again gazing into each other's eyes.

"Okay, annnnnd…." Chris said, waiting for the right moment. "Eva, you're on!"

Eva popped out of the bush next to them, causing Jo to let out a fake scream and sprint away. Brick, however, remained standing in place. The cadet was completely zoned out, his eyes glazed over.

"CUT!" Chris yelled. "Why does Brick look like he's on another planet right now?"

Jo calmly walked over and slapped Brick across the face, breaking him out of his spell. Rubbing his cheek, he looked around.

"Did I miss my cue?" he asked, confused.

"What do you think?" Eva grumbled.

Brick saluted apologetically. "Sorry, soldiers. Next take will be the last time I mess up, I promise!"

---

Take 155

"Oh, for the love of…" Chris groaned. "…BRICK!"

"…Whatsat?" Brick snapped out of his daze, looking around. He noticed Jo and Eva both glaring at him, hands on hips. "Uh oh. From your body language, you two both seem to be upset." He slammed his hand to his forehead. "Aw man, did I mess up again?"

The last ten takes had all made it the Brick-Jo-Eva scene, but on every single take, Brick had gone into an unresponsive trance.

"Brick, you're killing us here," Chris sighed, rubbing his temples. "This is quite possibly the easiest part of the entire intro. All you have to do is run away from Eva. But for some reason, your mind keeps running away to god-knows-where."

"For real, man," Duncan groaned, walking over to Brick. The bad boy looked exhausted, with bags under his eyes and his shoulders slumped. "Please. I can't keep doing that dance over and over again."

Courtney walked over too. "Oh, stop complaining, you wuss." She pointed a few yards away, where Cameron was lying face down in the mud. "Do you know many times he's has had to get hurled through the air by that fishing machine?"

"Oh no…" Brick moaned, looking around at everyone. "I'M LETTING THE TROOPS DOWN!"

With a sigh, Chris put his remote controller down and stood up. "I think it's time for me to save the day. As usual."

---

Chris reached the filming area, where Brick was punching himself in the head repeatedly. The military buff stopped once he saw the host approaching and frantically raised his hand in a salute.

"SERGEANT BRICK MACARHUR, REPORTING FOR—"

"Dude. Stop. You don't have to greet me like that every time," Chris said. "Let's just get to the reason why I'm here."

"Please tell me you're here to get Brick's ass away from this shoot," Jo muttered.

Brick nodded sadly. "I would understand if you relieved me from duty, sir."

"No way. I'm here to save the day," Chris declared. "First, we have to get to the core of this issue. So, tell me, Brick… in your opinion, why do you suck so much?"

"I don't know!" Brick cried. "I just keep blacking out!"

"And what do you think is causing that? I don't recall you sustaining any major head injuries lately, but it's hard to keep track on this show."

"No, definitely not a concussion, sir." Brick twiddled his thumbs, blushing. "Maybe it's… well… I've never had a girl look at me like that before, sir."

Jo whipped around to face him. "Like what? I'm not 'looking' at you any sort of way, you perv! It's called acting!"

"I know t-that!" Brick stammered. "But your acting is so convincing! You're like Daniel Day Lewis!"

"Is it really that exciting for you?" Chris asked skeptically. "First of all, it's just Jo we're talking about here. It's not like it's someone actually hot. And haven't you ever had a girlfriend who would look at you that way? Or, possibly more fitting in your case, a boyfriend?"

"No, sir." Brick rubbed the back of his neck. "If I'm being honest… I've never even kissed anyone before."

Jo laughed. "Really? Wow. That's so sad. But not surprising in the least."

Brick blushed dark red. "Didn't you say you hadn't kissed anyone either, Jo?"

"You mean on our first season? Is that what you're talking about?" Jo sneered. "That was, like, four years ago, dumbass. Obviously I've kissed tons of guys since then. If anyone hasn't had their first kiss by this point, it's practically hopeless for them. Fortunately, I'm not among that group of sorry individuals."

"Oh." Brick looked down at the ground. "I see."

Chris checked his watch. "So, Brick, what can we do to help you get over this mental hurdle? If need be, I can get Chef Hatchet to put on a wig and some lipstick and you can get that first kiss out of the way."

"I'll have to pass on that one," Brick said. "But thank you for the offer." He looked at Jo again. "I somehow have a feeling I won't be having any more difficulties with this scene." His voice seemed to have just a hint of annoyance in it.

"Great! Glad to hear it, private," Chris said, looked very pleased with himself. "What can I say, folks? Chris Mclean, saving the day once again."

---

Meanwhile, Topher was still crouching on his hands and knees in front of Chris' director's chair, looking exhausted. He was just drifting off to sleep when he was jolted back awake by the sound of rustling in the bushes nearby. The brown-haired teenager perked up when he noticed the Total Drama theme singer crawling out from under the thickets, babbling to himself. Topher glanced left and right, making sure the coast was clear. Then he hurried over and crouched down next to the homeless musician.

"Hey, man, can I get that autograph now?" he whispered. He pulled out a small Polaroid photograph of his own smiling face. "You can sign this."

The singer responded with gibberish, too inebriated to communicate. He flopped down on his back, drunkenly rolling around on the grass.

"Hello…?" Topher tried to get his attention, but nothing worked. He sighed and gazed down sadly at the old man. "God… what could've happened to you? You're the easily one of the most talented people in the world…" He beckoned to the trash bag the man was wearing, which had holes cut out for his arms and legs. "…And you're living like this? You should be living close to the sun, having packed your bags because you already won! Not literally wearing a bag!"

As he continued to watch his idol, a thought slowly crossed Topher's mind.

"I imagine you must have a close relationship with Chris Mclean, the host of this show. What do you think of him?"

The downtrodden singer suddenly stopped babbling. Topher watched in surprised as the homeless man turned to him and made direct eye contact. The man didn't say anything, but it looked like a mixture of thoughts were passing through his mind.

"Huh. That seemed to get your attention. I have another question," Topher continued. "A while ago, you wrote a truly superb song for your friend Chris's show. Arguably the biggest bop of the decade. You should be proud of it on its artistic merit alone, no doubt. But, I'm curious… did you ever get any money for that?"

The musician didn't respond for a moment. Then he started to sing in the tune of the Total Drama theme song.

"Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah naaaaaaah nah nah nah nah nah nah."

"I knew it," Topher sighed. His face suddenly contorted into a sour, bitter expression. "No, why would I expect any decency from that man?" He stood up, his voice having lost all of its usual peppiness. "You see, here's the thing about Chris Mclean. He 's not the most talented, or the most driven… but he is the most willing to do whatever it takes to stay on top. That's how he got there, and that's how he's stayed there. He probably doesn't even remember screwing you over, he's done it so many times. But when you've built your career on undercutting and stifling the potential of everyone around you… you make a lot of enemies. People with nothing to lose, who just want to see you knocked down a peg for once." He gritted his teeth together. "I think it's time you got what's rightfully yours."

Topher walked over to Chris's director chair, where the host had left a pen. He grabbed the photo he was going to have autographed and hurriedly scribbled a telephone number on the back. Then he walked back over and handed it to the man.

"When you find a phone… somehow… call that number," he ordered. "You'll get in contact with someone who can help you." He placed a man on the hand's shoulder. "I know you don't know who I am, but trust me on this. You need to do this. Just think of your own lyrics: you have everything to prove, and nothing in your way. You'll get there one day."

The drunken singer examined the photo for a moment. Then he stuffed it in his mouth and swallowed it.

Topher's eyelid twitched. "I'll find another piece of paper."

Suddenly, the wannabe host caught a whiff of Chris' cologne wafting towards him. He quickly ran over to the director's chair and returned to his position on his hands and knees. Chris arrived, looking very pleased with himself.

"Ahh…" The host reached the chair and collapsed down into it, propping his feet up on Topher's back. "Saving the day all the time really is hard work. Hit me with another latte, Topher."

"I thought I was supposed to be a footstool, though," Topher said. "How is a fooststool supposed to bring you coffee?"

"Ha! That was actually pretty funny!" Chris chuckled. "Here's something that's also funny: one more comment like that and you're off the show, buddy."

Topher silently got up and made his way over to the coffee machine. He started to fill up a cup for Chris.

"EXTRA WHIPPED CREAM, TOPHER! OR YOU'RE ALSO OFF THE SHOW!"

Topher quietly crushed the coffee cup, spilling burning liquid all over his hand.

---

Take 156

Sure enough, Brick made it through the following take with no issues. The drone was now filming Dawn, who held one of the robot bunnies her hand, petting it. She seemed to be perfectly at peace, her eyes closed and a serene smile on her face.

"Let's see how quickly that lasts," Chris chuckled, watching on the monitor.

He pressed a button, and the rabbit suddenly exploded, sending scraps of metal and fur flying in all directions. However, Dawn hardly reacted at all. She continued to sit there, covered in ashes and smiling from ear-to-ear.

"CUT!" Chris yelled, looking uncomfortable. "Dawn… you good?"

Dawn opened her eyes and nodded. "Oh, yes, Chris! I am very good. I am just so happy for that rabbit! It just fulfilled its most important purpose!"

"…Its 'purpose'?"

"Oh, yes! Only in death can these rabbits truly find peace."

Chris stared at the pale girl for a long time. "Okay… I can tell there's a lot to unpack here, but that's the job of a trained mental health professional. Anyways, try not to… smile so much on the next take."

"But how could I not smile, Chris? The rabbits told me—"

"I don't care what they rabbits 'told' you, Dawn! I'm here to tell you that the smiling makes you look f**king psychotic!"

Dawn hung her head. "Noted."

---

Take 160

The drone was now filming as Harold tried to hand a bouquet flowers to a glaring Jasmine. The Australian girl violently swatted them away, looking as if she was barely acting. Then she grabbed Harold, one hand clutching his shirt and one hand clutching the back of his pants, and prepared to throw him.

"CUT! Harold, you really shouldn't be smiling either."

"But how could I not enjoy this?" Harold asked, a euphoric expression on his face.

Jasmine dropped Harold in disgust.

---

Take 167

Jasmine once again had Harold lifted off the ground, preparing to throw. Harold was doing everything he could to hide his grin.

"You got this, Jasmine. All you have to do is throw Harold over Noah and Anne Maria's heads, and then have him hit Justin," Chris directed. "Easy stuff."

Jasmine looked forward. Noah and Anne Maria were standing back-to-back ten yards in front of her, and Justin was another thirty yards away, admiring his reflection on the beach. However, Jasmine's attention slowly drifted back to Noah. She paused for a moment.

"Any day now," Chris said impatiently.

Jasmine took a deep breath. Then she swung Harold back with a heave, before hurling him forward with as much momentum as she could muster.

The camera panned over to Noah and Anne Maria, waiting for Harold to fly over their heads. However, there was instead a loud thud as Harold slammed into the side of Noah's head, knocking them both to the ground.

"Whoops!" Jasmine called out. "Guess I threw a little too low. Sorry, Noah!"

"WOO! AGAIN! AGAIN!" Harold cheered, getting up from the ground.

Noah got up, rubbing the side of his head. "Why do I feel like that was intentional?"

"A decent first attempt, Jasmine. But try to really put your back into the next throw," Chris said. He turned the aircraft to face Noah and Anne Maria. "Also, I'm really not sensing much chemistry between you two. Come on, you're acting like you're not even friends!"

Anne Maria grabbed Noah by the collar and leaned in close, her eyes narrowed.

"Stop messing it up for me, turkey legs," she hissed. "You're NOT gonna ruin my big break!"

"Ooo… now I see some chemistry! Keep that up!"

---

Takes 168-210

The following series of takes were filled with Jasmine attempting to aim Harold at Justin on the beach but typically failing to even come close. Harold slammed into trees, landed headfirst on rocks, and even went flying into the ocean.

Every time Jasmine missed, filming would have to go all the way back to the top, meaning everyone would have to perform their part all over again. Cameron was continually flung through the air like a ragdoll, completely unresponsive at this point. Duncan continued to dance like a zombie, his eyes empty and soulless. Chris even realized that the coffee machine was now out of whipped cream.

It was, quite simply, hell on earth.

---

Take 211

"Please, Jasmine," Chris begged, watching on the monitor as she picked up Harold yet again. "We are suffering here." He looked sadly down at his whipped cream-less latte. "More than some could ever comprehend."

Her arms shaking from exhaustion, Jasmine gritted her teeth. "This is it. I'm ending this."

With a desperate cry, she flung Harold as hard as he could. The nerd soared over Noah and Anne Maria's head in a perfect arc and continued onward, hurtling towards the beach.

Chris dropped his latte and leaned forward in his seat. "Could it be… is this the one…?"

Jasmine looked up, a glimmer of hope in her eyes. "Crikey… it just might be…"

Harold was headed right towards Justin, who continued to admire his reflection. Everyone waited with baited breath, some even dropping to their knees and praying. Sure enough, Harold looked to be on target.

Justin suddenly noticed the geek behind him in the mirror, about to make impact. The model casually stepped out of the way, and Harold crash-landed on the sand right next to him, groaning.

"Whew! That was a close one," Justin chuckled.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Chris dropped to his knees in anguish, while Jasmine put her head in her hands. "WHY, JUSTIN?! WHY?!"

Justin crossed his arms. "Do you really expect me not to try to dodge when I see a nerd about to hit me at thirty miles per hour?"

"YES! THAT'S THE POINT OF THE SCENE!"

"Well, I guess I just have a different artistic interpretation."

Chris was about to argue more, but instead just let out a long, defeated sigh.

---

Take 250

"Okay. I definitely have Ezekiel beat in the chin department, at least," Justin said to himself, examining his reflection while he waited on the beach once more. He tilted the mirror ever so slightly, which suddenly revealed Harold seconds away from making impact.

"WHAT THE—!" This time, Justin didn't have time to reach as Harold slammed into his back and crashed down on top of him, knocking him facedown into the sand.

A chorus of cheers rang out from around the island.

"WE HAVE IMPACT! I REPEAT, WE HAVE IMPACT!" Chris announced into the intercom. "Everyone get over to the campfire pit! QUICKLY!"

As the campers all scrambled across the beach in that direction, Chris spoke into a walkie-talkie. "Chef, you're up!"

Over by the beach, Chef lowered his own walkie-talkie, and took a deep breath. The cook was wearing nothing but a pink tutu and a pair of ballerina slippers.

"Showtime," he whispered to himself. Then he put his hands above his head and lunged forward.

While Chef performed for the camera, the contestants all gathered in a circle at the campfire pit, sitting on stumps. Scarlett carried Cameron's soaking wet and tattered body, while Courtney dragged a corpse-like Duncan after her. Harold came in last, carrying Justin, and placed him gently on a stump next to him.

With all 18 campers gathered, they turned their attention to Alejandro and Heather, who sat together at the front of the circle, holding hands with one another. Alejandro was brimming with pride, while Heather was avoiding eye contact with her boyfriend.

The drone flew in, and Chris spoke through the microphone, trying to contain his excitement. "We're almost there… let's stick the landing, folks. Alejandro and Heather, you know what to do."

The couple turned to one another, gazing passionately into each other's eyes. Alejandro reached forward and placed his hand on Heather's face, his eyes trained on her. Then, before anyone could react, he pulled her into a long, passionate kiss.

The entire campfire area immediately erupted into a chorus of shouts, groans, and boos. Alejandro pulled away from Heather and looked around, confused at all the pandemonium.

"What? What is the problem, everyone?" he asked. "This is not the reaction I expected at all!"

"DUDE! WHY DID YOU DO THAT?!" Chris cried through the microphone. "WE WERE THIS CLOSE!"

Alejandro turned to him, frowning. "Huh? But all I did was kiss her! What's the big deal? Is that not allowed?"

"No! No it isn't! You of all people should know this, Al!" Chris groaned, putting his head in his hands. "The couple at the end of the intro never actually kisses. They always have to get interrupted! That's the rule!"

"Well, sounds like a dumb rule to me," Alejandro chuckled, trying to kiss Heather again. The queen bee shoved his lips away from her and got up from her stump, storming away. Alejandro watched her go, before another voice caught his attention.

"Oh HELL no," Chef growled, having just arrived at the campfire pit. He was still wearing his tutu, covered in sweat and dirt and breathing heavily. "You're tellin' me I just put in the performance of my goddamn LIFETIME, and now nobody's even gonna see it?! F**k this! I'm OUTTA here!"

Chef twirled away like a ballerina, disappearing out of sight. The rest of the contestants slowly got up from their stumps and followed suit, grumbling and glaring in Alejandro's direction. Some, like Jo and Courtney, made sure to flip the ladies' man off before they left. Eventually, Alejandro and Dawn were the only two remaining in the campfire pit. Alejandro tried to smile at his teammate, but Dawn simply got up and sighed.

"You really let us down, Alejandro," she said, defeated. With that, she floated away, leaving him completely alone.

Alejandro sat quietly on his stump for a long time, thinking. Then he shrugged.

"Eh, they still love me."

---

Take 350

After another 100 excruciating takes later, Heather and Alejandro were once again leaning in for a kiss while everyone watched. This time, Alejandro was able to restrain himself from kissing her. The camera panned up to a large wooden sign above, reading 'Total Drama: Brains vs Brawn vs Beauty". Chris let the drone hover for a moment, before putting remote controller down, exhausted.

"And that's a wrap on this year's theme song," he announced. He yawned. "And a start on my nap." He collapsed on the ground, fast asleep.

"ALL RIGHT!" Alejandro cheered, standing up and clapping. "We did it, guys! Kudos to all of you!"

The Latino got no response from the group. He looked around, and saw his fellow competitors all still glaring at him. Alejandro slowly stopped clapping and awkwardly sat back down.

Confession Cam

Alejandro: *sigh*… Somehow, for whatever reason, it seems everyone may actually be pissed off at me. Which is honestly ridiculous, because I only messed up one take. And yet I'm the one getting all the hate? What nonsense! (He shakes his head.) But nevertheless, their feelings towards me still exist. I need to find a way to get these people back on my side. Something that will really get them rooting for Alejandro again, like they always have! (He grins confidently and pulls out his engagement ring case.) As usual, I have the perfect solution.

(Static)

Heather: Yeah… Alejandro's a sinking ship in this game. I just need to get off before he drags me down with him. (She sighs.) It's not like I want to break up with him… but seriously… CAN YOU BLAME ME AT THIS POINT?!

End of Confessionals

---

Campfire Pit

The campers were all still sitting on their stumps when Chris arrived thirty minutes later. The host had all of his energy back, whistling to himself and sipping from another latte.

"Man, that power nap was exactly what I needed to get my mojo back." He pointed to his latte. "And look! They fixed the whipped cream machine!"

Chef walked over, still wearing his tutu.

"Can't find Cameron anywhere," he whispered to Chris. "Don't know what happened. The kid straight-up disappeared."

Chris sighed. "Can't say I'm too surprised. As I said... he was always the most likely to die. Thanks for looking anyway, Chef." He turned to the campers, grinning. "How's everyone feeling?"

Nobody responded except for a few tired grunts and groans.

"Oh, wow, are you guys still wiped out from the shoot? That sucks." Chris held up a calming hand. "But don't worry. I think I know the perfect remedy to help you recover."

"We get to go back to our campsites and sleep?" Anne Maria asked hopefully.

"Nope! Let's do a challenge, campers!"

The group erupted into curses and protests, but Chris swiftly cut them off.

"Hold your hormones! This will actually be a very easy challenge today," he assured them. "For this challenge… you all will be watching TV."

Everyone fell silent, confused by the host's words.

"…That's it?" Tyler laughed. "Watching TV is the challenge? Ha, I'm gonna OWN this challenge! I watch TV all the time! YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING DOWN!"

"There's no way that's all there is to it," Courtney said suspiciously, eyeing Chris. "How would watching TV even be a challenge?"

"In many third world countries, it is a challenge, Courtney," Dawn sadly pointed out. "Many families in these countries have no access to electricity, so they have no way to watch TV. Many more still lack even the most basic human necessities, such as access to clean drinking water. It's quite the tragedy."

There was an awkward silence.

"Annnnyways… perhaps a few more details will clarify things for you all," Chris said. His eyes lit up mischievously. "First, it's time to reveal the TV show you'll all be watching for this challenge."

"Game of Thrones?" Harold asked hopefully.

"Orange is the New Black?" Jo asked hopefully.

"Double Shot at Love Starring Vinny and Pauly D?" Anne Maria asked hopefully.

"A video of me swimming naked across an infinity pool, my muscles glistening in the late afternoon sunlight?" Justin asked hopefully.

"Wrong… wrong… wrong… and what?" Chris shook his head. "I'm actually surprised nobody's guessed it yet. After all, there's only one show we can watch on this show. And that's this show."

Everyone was silent for a moment, trying to comprehend what he had said.

Heather finally came to a realization. "No… you don't mean… we're watching Total Drama?"

"That's correct, Heather!" Chris announced, leading to many more groans. The host scowled at the reaction. "Don't get too excited now, everybody."

"You know, Justin's idea is actually starting to sound more appealing," Noah said. "Who else thinks we should watch that instead?"

A few people started to raise their hands, but Chris cut them off.

"No! Seriously?! What is wrong with you people?"

Courtney still looked skeptical. "Okay, sure, getting through an episode of Total Drama without shutting off the TV is certainly a challenge. But I still don't see how this is an actual challenge."

"I'll put to you this way. If you can't even get through one episode, I think you'll be having a lot of trouble soon," Chris chuckled. "Before I explain any further, I first need to set this challenge up."

Chris reached into his pocket and pulled out yet another remote control. He pressed a button, and a large section of the forest suddenly sunk and disappeared underground.

"AHHHH! WHAT DID YOU DO TO THOSE POOR TREES?" Dawn screamed, staring at the giant gaping hole that the forest had disappeared into.

"I removed them. Duh," Chris said, pressing another button.

The whole island suddenly started to quake, and everyone covered his or her ears as a loud screeching noise filled the air. A massive, circular stone building suddenly began to rise out of the hole, casting a shadow over everyone. It continued to rise higher and higher until it was nearly ten stories tall and blocking out the sun. Towards the front of the building was a grand-looking entrance plated in gold, with a statue of Chris' face carved above it. Everyone stared agape, taking in the sight.

"I present to you… the Chris Mclean Amphitheatre!" Chris announced.

"Really creative name as usual, Chris," Noah said.

Chris turned around and beckoned the campers to follow him. "After me, everyone!"

The host led the group to the entrance, where he stopped for a moment. He turned around, his eyes glinting.

"Are you ready to see something magical, children?"

"Yes, Willy Wonka!" Harold giggled excitedly. "Er, I mean Chris."

Chris turned back around and led the group into the amphitheatre. The contestants passed through a dark corridor for a moment, before emerging into the sunlight again, now surrounded on all sides by towering circular stone walls. To one side of the amphitheatre's interior were rows and rows of seats that went all the way up to the top of the wall. The seats faced a huge stage on the other side of the theater, and above the stage towered a three-story flat screen TV.

Chris turned to the group, whose jaws had dropped again. "So… anyone wanna talk sh** about our budget again?"

Heather feigned enthusiasm, looking around. "Wow, Chris. I'm really impressed that you wasted a ton of money on an ugly-ass amphitheater that can probably house thousands of people when there are only 17 of us. But keep flexing, I guess."

Sugar, meanwhile, ran over to the stage, her eyes shining.

"Now THIS looks like a real pageant!" she gasped. She turned back to Chris. "Are we performing on that stage?!"

"In a way, yes," Chris chuckled. He beckoned to the giant screen. "That's the TV we're going to use to watch the show."

"You mean… I'm going to get to see my face… on that?" Anne Maria gasped, staring at the TV screen. "I REALLY AM A STAR!"

Justin sighed, looking up at the TV as well. "I'm just imagining what it would look like if this screen showed a video of me swimming naked across an infinity pool, my muscles glistening in the late afternoon sunlight."

"Okay, this is all fine and dandy," Courtney said, looking unimpressed. "But you still haven't explained how this is a challenge."

"God, do you ever stop harassing me, woman? But I guess now's as good a time as any to get into it," Chris said with a shrug. He walked over to the stage and climbed up onto it. Then he addressed the campers, dusting himself off. "Listen up, everyone! Here's how this challenge will work!" He beckoned to the TV screen again. "We will be playing Total Drama on the big screen, starting with the very first episode of season one."

"Boooo!" Jo yelled. "Nobody wants to see that! Skip to season four!"

"All in good time, Jo, all in good time," Chris assured her. "Trust me, I'm quite the Revenge of the Island stan myself. But no, we have to start from the beginning if we're gonna do a real binge watch here."

"Binge watch?" Duncan repeated, his eyes widening.

"Yep! Once we start the first episode, we won't be stopping. We'll just keep watching – episode after episode, season after season if need be. The challenge will end when nobody wants to watch anymore."

"So this challenge should last about five minutes then," Noah said.

"Yep. Just about as long as you last with Emma," Chris shot back. "Here's the only rule: when you stop watching, you're out of the challenge."

"Wait… so this is like some sort of weird endurance competition?" Jasmine asked. "Where we just sit here and… watch the show for hours on end until we give up?"

"Yep! I call it… the TOTAL DRAMATHON!" Chris proclaimed "This challenge will test who is truly devoted to this show, who is a true Total Drama fan."

"And is that supposed be an incentive?" Courtney asked in disbelief. "Who would want that title?"

"No, Courtney, the 'incentive' is that the first team with all of its members to drop out will have to vote someone off at the next Campfire Ceremony," Chris said, making Courtney fall silent. "Furthermore, the last person standing out of everyone will win a very big reward for their team."

"What qualifies as getting eliminated, though?" Alejandro asked. "Specifically, what if we fall asleep during the challenge? Because I'm usually out cold about halfway through any episode I watch and have to pick it up again later."

Chris scowled. "Yes, Alejandro. If you fall asleep, you're eliminated. Furthermore, you can't close your eyes or turn your head away from the screen to avoid watching the show. We'll catch that."

"Well, there goes my whole strategy," Noah muttered.

Eva raised her hand, but Chris shook his head.

"No, Eva, you can't grab people's heads and forcibly turn them away from the screen to try to systematically eliminate them."

Eva lowered her hand, looking disappointed.

"Dude… can't we at least schedule this lame challenge for another time?" Duncan asked, yawning. "We just spent 48 hours shooting your stupid intro. And now we have to sit here and watch your stupid show? It's just too much."

"Exactly. It is too much," Chris said, an evil glint in his eyes. "Believe it or not, that was intentional. Remember that time I scheduled the Awake-a-thon right after a 20k race and giant feast? It's kind of similar to that. I wanted you people mentally and physically broken down before we even started."

Everyone was silent as the gravity of his words sank in.

Confession Cam

Courtney: I can't believe I'm saying this… but I think this takes the cake as our most sadistic challenge yet.

End of Confessionals

The campers had all taken seats throughout the amphitheatre, with the three teams sitting clustered together for the time being.

"One more exciting addition to this challenge, everyone!" Chris announced from the stage. "We have a former contestant returning as a special guest just for this challenge! She—"

"OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE!" came a high-pitched voice that certain contestants recognized all too well.

Chris quickly backed away as Sierra sprinted out onto the stage, hyperventilating and foaming from the mouth. She turned to the audience, and her jaw dropped.

"OMG LOOK AT THE NEW CAST!" she screamed, spittle flying from her mouth. "HOLY SH**, THERE ARE SO MANY AMAZING CHARACTERS HERE! THIS CAST IS SOOOOOOOO GOOD IT'S EVERYTHING I EVER DREAMED OF!"

Everyone flinched as the fan girl continued to freak out, frantically looking from face to face and taking it all in.

"That's right, everyone!" Chris announced. "It's Sierra! She's back!"

"Why?" Heather asked, her face scrunched up. "Who the hell asked for her to be here?"

"Sierra, quite simply, is the biggest Total Drama superfan to ever play this game. Thus, she's come to defend her title today," Chris explained. "She will be competing in this challenge alongside all of you, going head-to-head with anyone who thinks they can take her on. Not that I think it's humanly possible, but if anyone here can outlast her… they'll win an even bigger prize."

"W-wait…" Sierra suddenly stopped, having looked over every face in the crowd. Her face slowly dropped. "W-where… WHERE'S CODY?!"

"Cody didn't make the cut, Sierra," Chris said nonchalantly.

"No… impossible…" Sierra whipped around to face Chris, her eyes wild. "You… YOU MONSTER! FIRST you don't make Cody an All-Star, and NOW you don't put him on ANY of these teams?! HE BELONGS ON ALL THREE TEAMS! BRAINS, BRAWN, AND BEAUTY!"

Heather burst out laughing at this, and Sierra whipped back around to face her.

"Keep laughing, HEATHER. The only team that starts with a 'B' that YOU belong on is 'Team BITCH'! BECAUSE YOU ARE ONE!"

"Such a long set-up for such a weak punchline," Heather sighed. "Just like Cody's Total Drama World Tour performance."

"WHY YOU—!" Sierra was about to lunge at Heather when Chris suddenly stepped in front of her, blocking her path. The host was holding an old mop that had just been used to clean the stage.

"Hey, Sierra! Look!" he exclaimed, waving the mop in front of the fangirl's face. "It's… Cody!"

Sierra stared at the cleaning instrument, confused. In her mind, the head of the mop slowly morphed into Cody's hair.

"OMG, CODY!" she squealed, running forward and embracing the mop.

While Sierra cuddled and nuzzled her head against her new Cody replacement, Chris casually pushed her off the stage. He then addressed the audience.

"Looks like we're all set to go. Without further ado… let the Total Dramathon… BEGIN!"

The host stepped off to the side, and the lights slowly dimmed. Sierra took a seat in the front row, her arm around her mop. Meanwhile, the rest of the contestants braced themselves, preparing for the long and difficult journey ahead.

The giant movie switched to the opening shot of the Dock of Shame from the very first episode. All of a sudden, Chris's giant smiling face popped up, starting everyone. The host's enthusiastic voice began blaring from two giant speakers next to the screen, which were cranked up so loud that the whole amphitheatre shook violently. All of the contestants covered their ears in agony, some even getting blown backwards by the sound waves.

"YO! WE'RE COMIN' AT YOU LIVE FROM CAMP WAWANAKWA, SOMEWHERE IN—"

Chris quickly pressed paused on a remote, freezing the screen on his face. He walked back out onto the stage, cringing.

"Sorry… had the volume up a little too loud," he said. "While we get that fixed, let's hear a quick word from our sponsors."

How long will the campers make it into the Total Drama catalogue before losing their minds?

Can anyone beat Sierra? Will Sierra realize she's making out with a mop right now?

When will Alejandro propose? Does he have any hope of not getting humiliated?

Where the heck is Cameron?

And who will become the second loser to take the Upside-Down Helicopter Ride of Shame?

See it all on the next heartstopping chapter of

TOTAL DRAMA: BRAINS VS BRAWN VS BEAUTY!

---

A Message from the Cheesebub: Hope you all enjoyed this slightly more unusual chapter! I've always wanted to write a chapter that focused on the behind-the-scenes of trying to film the theme song, especially the idea that it all has to be done in one take. I know it was a bit Chris-heavy at times, but hopefully the other character interactions kept you interested! This episode will be 3 parts, but after this, I plan to mostly limit episodes to 2 parts except on rare occasions. Hopefully I can keep speeding up my update time like I have been in the past! Let me know what you thought of this chapter in a review and who you think is going home next! I'll respond through PM and I respond to guest reviews as part of my author's note! Until next time!