~18~

~Chapter Eighteen~

Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame

~Nirvana, All Apologies~

Lorenzo St. John hasn't been on my radar for a while. Ever since that huge blow-up fight we had, I've barely seen him. He had been out the following week (probably to avoid being questioned about his Marcia Brady nose) and I've steered clear of him when I heard he was back in school.

He was doing the same thing—until today, that is.

I'm waiting for Caroline to come out of the gym when I see him walking toward me. I spend what feels like hours debating on what to do, but that ends up being a dumb mistake.

Because, when I finally decide to duck inside the doors, he's there. Standing in front of me with a pained expression on his face.

"You need to leave me alone," I say in a low voice.

He holds his hands up, taking half a step back. "I will. I just want to say sorry."

"For?"

Enzo lets out a groan, as if he'd been hoping I wouldn't ask for details. "Well, for starters, pushing you to do something you didn't want."

"I see." I answer curtly. "It's not okay; it probably never will be… what else do you want to say?"

"And the bet with Kai… it's true, but once I got to know you I forgot about it."

I narrow my eyes. "That's not what it sounded like."

"He was bugging me about it the day we went hiking. I thought it would be romantic if we… anyway, then I thought I could use the extra money to buy you something nice. I never meant to hurt you."

"But you did. I'm nothing more than fifty bucks to you—that's disgusting."

"I don't want you to think that's all I cared about. Really, it's not."

"Okay, thanks for taking the initiative to find me and say all that, I guess." I sound cold, unforgiving.

Enzo looks at me pleadingly. "I mean it! The way Damon would talk about you… he would always go on about what a good person you were. And you'd get him so angry sometimes—it was funny to see him deal with someone who didn't back down from a fight. He admired it so much that I couldn't help but admire you, too."

"Damon hardly admires me," I roll my eyes.

"He might not say he does—but it's true. You should've seen the look he got on his face when you walked by with your friends."

I can't think of a good reason for Enzo to be telling me this. "That's Elena he was looking at. Not me."

"Then why did it happen when you weren't with them?"

"Maybe he was high. I'm not the Damon whisperer—I've got no clue," I shrug his question off.

"And why did he confront me about our fight?" he points to me and then to himself.

"He's a hothead."

He chuckles. "If you really think so."

"I do."

"Okay… well, I'm glad you let me say my piece. I know I don't deserve to be forgiven, but if that changes, I'll be extremely lucky."

It doesn't fix the gaping hole he created in my chest, but he sure makes it sound like it could. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Thanks," he turns to depart, but hesitates, facing me again. There's a hint of curiosity in his eyes. I know what's coming before he even opens his mouth to ask. I brace myself for the onslaught of questions.

"Is it true?" he's inspecting me for some tell-tale sign that will confirm what everyone is alleging.

"Is what true?"

"Did you sleep with Damon? Are you pregnant?"

I get defensive. The aggravation flares up in me much more intensely than I had anticipated. "I didn't cheat on you, Enzo. I promise." I hold his gaze until he nods.

"I didn't think you did."

"I would never," I reiterate. "Don't believe everything you hear."

"I didn't… I really didn't, but that doesn't answer my second question. Are you pregnant? Did Damon—"

"Knock me up with his hell spawn?" I finish for him. "No, he didn't. I'm not pregnant, Enzo. Sorry to disappoint you."

"Oh, I'm not disappointed," he assures me. "Quite the opposite. Thanks for the brutal honesty."

The look of relief never leaves his face as he backs away from me, disappearing behind a group of students carrying instruments to the music room.

I curse at the sinking suspicion he leaves me with. I don't think I've truly seen the last of Enzo.

Caroline emerges from the gym moments later, her Mystic Falls cheer caption hoodie in her hands. It isn't worn out or faded like the one we got in tenth grade, which means the new ones she ordered came in.

She tosses one of the two others she's holding to me. I can't help but feel a little off put. Do I really deserve this if I'm benched? Am I still a cheerleader? Am I a part of the team if my only means of participation are limited to a few, less strenuous routines?

"You're the best flier on the team, Bon," Care says gently, picking up on my sadness far quicker than usual. "It's yours—" she nods toward the sweatshirt. "And you're not going to lose your spot on the squad, but it would make me feel better if you finally started sitting everything out. At least for the time-being."

I frown. That suggestion is abhorrent, but I'd be lying if I said she didn't have a point. I may not be showing enough to confirm the rumors, but my days of pleading the fifth are going by pretty fast.

"I'm not at that point yet."

"Bon…"

"Care, when it's too much for me, I'll stop. Your niece doesn't need a concussion before she's even born."

"I knew it!" she squeals. "It's a girl—and wait… does that mean you're keeping her?"

Her comment bursts my bubble. "I… don't know yet. Nothing is for sure right now. We just know it's a girl…"

This doesn't bring Caroline down any, however. She's ecstatic. "Do you want to? Please tell me you at least know what you want."

Well, I certainly think I do. "I don't know… it's complicated."

"Of course, it is! But that doesn't mean you don't have a preference!"

"I know," I say, lump forming in my throat.

She plants her hands on her hips. "And you'd be a great mom. So, don't worry about that part. Damon… eh, I don't think he's equipped to be a parent, but I don't know him like you do."

"Don't sell him short," I tell her, voice cracking. "He can be nice when he wants."

Caroline's expression softens. She pulls me in for a hug. "Hey, don't be too sad. I have your back, Bon. Sisters 'til the end of time, remember?"

"We really should have come up with a mantra that rhymed. Blood sister ceremonies are supposed to have rhymes," I say lightly.

"We were eleven," she reminds me. "And that would've been cheesy. I told you—we should just get our point across. Simple, clean, and clear. Not mushy. We're forces to be reckoned with."

"I can't believe Elena and I let you be in charge of that…"

"I can," Care argues. "I'm a natural born leader. And we have more important things to discuss."

"Like?" I let go of her, suddenly very suspicious. Caroline really knows how to utilize segues to her advantage. That's why she's so good at procuring gossip—she slides questions and statements into a conversation seamlessly.

"Like how you never told me what Damon looks like naked. Not in detail at least—I need more than good. And how was he? Is he the sex god every girl claims he is?"

I look away in embarrassment. "Care… good is the only way I know how to describe him. And I'm not exactly a sex expert. I was a virgin when we hooked up and I was also drunk."

"You've got to remember something," she prods. "I told you about when I lost my virginity to Hector Morton in tenth grade!"

"Fine—it hurt and then after a bit, it didn't. From what I remember, I guess it was nice."

"Fair enough," Caroline says, letting the matter drop. "How are you doing?"

"Fine—how was your date with Tyler last night?"

"Oh, Bon," she starts. "It was amazing…" I try to listen intently as she gushes over the restaurant Lockwood chose. "It was great! You know I've been on a sushi kick since my dad and Jackson took us to that cool place in California…"

She goes on to describe the decorations and seating arrangements as I picture her and Elena having a good time on their trip. I feel the familiar sensation of longing when Elena's face pops in my head. If I know how she's doing now, it may be easier for me to patch things up with her at dinner the following evening.

"How is Elena?" I ask cautiously, wishing I could take the words back as soon as see the way she frowns at me.

Care sighs. "She's a little upset with Stef, but I'm sure they'll make up soon. They're both looking forward to seeing Stefan's cousin tomorrow. I tried to give her advice, but I'm not very good at it. Honestly, she could use your words of wisdom… I was afraid to tell you about it."

"What's the problem?" I fall back into my role of problem-solving superhero easily and without hesitation.

"There's a small catch…"

"You can tell me. I can handle it."

"Okay," Care says, her tone laced with uncertainty. "She and Stefan fought over her lack of… empathy for Damon about the baby. She accused him of being too easy on his brother… of not caring how uncomfortable this whole situation is for her.

Then he told her that he loves Damon, and thinks you're a good influence on him, and while he doesn't think it's the best idea to keep the baby, he'll support Damon and his attempt to grow up. And that she should do the same.

Of course, Elena didn't like that and flipped out again. She said some things she shouldn't have—don't ask; I don't know what it was about—and claimed if anyone really cared about Damon like she did, we would've… I forget her exact words, but then she just left."

Caroline didn't forget, she just can't bring herself to tell me the truth. It's okay, though. I can fill in the blanks with ease.

"She's just trying to cope with… this." My hand flies to my stomach. It's still hard for me to think of this energy-sucking humanoid as my baby.

"Just talk her through it. Tell her Damon could use a little… more encouragement—especially from her. It's true and you don't have to tell her it came from me. She'll believe it without asking you to cite the source. Tell her that she shouldn't let her anger with me affect her relationship with both of them. This… fight isn't worth how bad she'll feel if she pushes Stef away. Oh, and tell her the dinner will be the perfect opportunity to make things better."

"I will."

"Good."

"You know us so well," Care muses. "You're right, too. I just wish you could talk to her yourself. I gave up on listening to her vent when she stabbed a hole in my notes."

"Didn't she have her own?"

"No—that's why she had mine. She needed to copy them before the test next week. It wasn't a little hole either. She totally destroyed the section about inequalities!"

The solution to Caroline's problem is standing next to the row of lockers across the hall.

He's flipping through a binder, brows furrowed, mouth turned down. Man, Care usually exaggerates when telling a story, but she might've actually downplayed how bad that argument was.

"Care, I'm going to go see if I can fix this before tomorrow…"

She follows my gaze and when her eyes fall on Stefan, she nods. "You're going to make Stefan less emo?"

"Damon says that would be a scientific impossibility, but that doesn't mean I can't try."

"Should I be worried that you're quoting Damon?"

I don't answer her, as I'm already on my way over to the younger Salvatore brother. He doesn't react to my presence at first. He shuts his notebook and places it back inside his locker. When he faces me, I'm surprised to see the stress behind his broodiness.

I hadn't really thought about how all this would affect Stefan. His relationship with Damon is a lot like a roller coaster, so I imagine living with him hasn't been a walk in the park.

Damon gets snippy when he feels vulnerable.

"Hey Stef," I smile at him. "How are you—you know what, I'm going to cut to the chase. Caroline told me that Elena's been very combative lately."

"Bon, it's okay, you don't have to worry about us. You have to worry about yourself first—making sure Damon is on his best behavior is exhausting. Take it from someone who knows what it's like." The laugh that follows seems real, but that flicker of amusement is gone a second later, leaving a sadness in its wake.

"But I am worried about you. You're the only one I can talk to at parties. I would've died from frustration and/or boredom ten times over if you weren't there."

He shakes his head at me, as if my response is a far reach. "I can say the same thing to you."

"The only difference is I caused you and Elena to fight—so I'm obligated to make you feel better."

"It's nice to see that Damon hasn't corrupted you," he begins. "But that's not true, Bon."

"She's mad at me," I remind him. "Not you… you fought because of a mistake I made. If there wasn't a problem, you would be making googly eyes at each other right now."

"Damon has some responsibility, too. It's a foreign concept to him, but he's handling things much better than I thought he would…"

I have to suppress the little voice in my head that wants to ask if Damon's mood has improved any. "Tell me about it. Seriously, though, I'm sorry. She's probably going crazy without you."

"You, too," he says evenly. "I'm going to give her space, Bonnie. And then, when she sorts out her feelings, we can talk about things."

Something tells me that he isn't just referring to Elena's anger toward me, and I'm not liking the reaction it's causing. I shake my head, take a deep breath, and re-center my thoughts.

They both need to be at the restaurant. Focus, Bonnie!

I'm on a mission. I need to take care of that right now and everything else can wait.

"I know you want to wait for her to come to you, but Elena always wants someone else to make the first move—no matter how many times she tells you to leave her alone."

Stefan's serious demeanor doesn't soften. This time, there's no acknowledgement of the joke that not really a joke. "I know, and that's the problem."

"She doesn't do it to be mean," I offer, voice crumpling. This isn't going the way I want it to.

"I know," Stef says with gentle reassurance. "And that's why I love her—she never tries to hurt anyone. It'll be okay, Bon. I'll be fine. So will Elena. I'll see her tomorrow and hopefully she will have cooled down."

Okay, that's a good sign.

He looks like he wants to tell me something else, but the bell cuts into our conversation. The hallway floods with students who filter out of their respective classrooms in clusters. We stay as we are for a long moment, unmoving as the world goes on without us.

The way Stefan is looking at me, with concern, is unsettling. Not because I find it creepy, but because I'm not used to it.

"If you want to talk to me, you know you can, right? Sometimes an outside perspective can be nice."

"Thanks, Stef. I'll keep that in mind for the next time I find myself crying because I ran out of ice cream."

"I'll see you tomorrow, Bonnie."

I nod wordlessly.

Well, that was a failure. A huge one. Their mutual attendance is not the beacon of positivity I had been hoping for. I was wrong. I don't know why I am so surprised about it either—I should be used to it by now.