Chapter Eleven – That Nagging Feeling
Lily Evans was in a terrible state. She was sat on one of the old wooden library chairs near the back of the large bookshelf-lined chamber, desperately trying to finish her Potions homework before the deadline – the deadline, that is, that was in three minutes' time.
Mid-morning break was almost over, and yet there Lily sat, hunched over a large scroll of parchment, hurriedly scrawling the last few lines of her essay in her favourite feather quill. The essay was on Golpalott's Third Law – one of the first topics introduced in the Potions' NEWT syllabus. The topic was on antidotes, and how to produce them. Golpalott's Third Law stated that, in order to counteract a poison made of a blend of several different individual poisons, it was not sufficient to merely blend a concoction of the various different antidotes that corresponded to each separate poison. Rather, a single ingredient must be found that will act as the antidote to the poison blend, and render it ineffective. Antidotes was one of Lily's favourite topics, and she was normally always on top of her Potions class despite her 'love for sleeping' as Severus would always tease her. However, this was not the conclusion an onlooker would come to now, if they beheld the current sight of Lily Evans frantically scratching her ink-deprived feather quill nib to write the last few words of her essay conclusion. Her fingers were completely ink-stained, and she even appeared to have a few splodges of smeared ink around her forehead and right temple, where she seemed to have rubbed her fingers against her head in deep, concentrated thought.
The scratching of her feather quill nib became more insistent once it was clear that it very much needed another generous dip inside her black ink pot, but as was Lily's luck, she had actually run out of ink that very morning. She desperately tried to dip the end of the quill's nib into the crusty and dried edges of congealed ink on the outer rim of the ink pot, but it was to no avail. How I am going to finish this now? Lily panicked in her head.
It was in this frustrated and chaotic frame of mind that Lily now heard the voices of a group of students entering the library, seemingly laughing in their whispered messages to each other.
"Did you see how red Potter's face got when he got crushed by that blonde Slytherin girl?" One joked, clearly not a huge fan of James Potter himself.
"Oh he got what he deserved, that absolute tosser. Someone needs to bring his ego down from the sky." The friend responded huffily, apparently also not a great fan of James Potter.
"What even is her name, anyway? I know she's one of Slytherin's Keepers, but I don't think I know much about her?" Another friend asked.
"Yeah, that's because she's not a self-absorbed Quidditch player like Potter who thinks the world revolves around him and him only. Her name's Sophie Evergreen, I think, if I remember correctly from the notice board." The first speaker replied. "I bet you 20 galleons that her and Severus are together."
"Ah yeah, she must be Snape's girlfriend or something." The other friend agreed. "I've never seen a girl speak up for him that passionately. Or a girl speak up for him altogether, actually."
"Well that's all going to change now, isn't it? He's quite lucky, boys. All the girls are going to go crazy for him now. Lucky bastard!"
At that point the librarian, Irma Prince, ordered the group of boys to hush themselves - didn't they know they were in a library, after all? Even if they had a free period, the short-tempered Irma Prince assured them that she didn't care about their wishes, and that if they wanted to stay in the library they would have to zip it.
Lily, meanwhile, seemed to be shocked into silence. She had given up any attempt at salvaging any ink from her empty black ink pot, and had thus left her essay unfinished, a first for her. But Lily wasn't even paying attention to her empty ink pot, nor to her unfinished essay, for that matter. She was thinking about Severus. What had that group of boys been talking about, when they said Sophie Evergreen was Snape's girlfriend? Surely that wasn't the case? Lily suspected that the annoying Slytherin girl who hung around Severus like an irritating bluebottle fly liked Severus, but that didn't mean he liked her back. Did it?
The thought brought Lily back into that state of unease in which she'd been that morning a few days ago, when Severus had surprised her by coming to the library and seeing her in her wretched state of smudged mascara and crazy hair. She still hadn't gotten over the embarrassment of that encounter, and the news that people thought Sev, her Sev, was somehow dating this random Slytherin Quidditch girl didn't help the situation at all. A small sigh of anguish escaped Lily as she threw her head into her palms, trying to ignore that uncomfortable swirling sensation in the pit of her stomach. Everything was going as she had expected. Everything she had feared and predicted was actually coming into fruition.
Ignoring the ringing sound of the final warning bell for the start of late morning lessons, Lily sat slumped in the library wooden chair and thought about how everything she had said to Severus when she had complained about him trying out for the Slytherin Quidditch team was actually coming true. And what had she told him, she recalled as she thought about their conversation. That he was going to change. That they were going to change, the both of them, and their relationship with each other. That he was inevitably going to get caught up in the world of Quidditch and popularity and forget her. Even though she had apologised to Severus back in the ward a few days ago, truly meaning every word of it, that didn't mean she wasn't highly insecure. She even told him that she was still worried about everything she had said earlier, but that she still wanted him to know how amazingly talented at Quidditch he truly was. It wasn't so much Severus himself that she was worried about, but the others around him. Just like she had been worried about him hanging out with Avery and Mulciber, she was also worried about his Slytherin Quidditch teammates. Especially Sophie Evergreen. They were just like all other Slytherins – mean-spirited, arrogant, nasty, privileged kids who wouldn't know decency and kindness if it hit them in the face. They were all so odious, thought Lily, with their obsession with Dark Magic and curses. But Severus was none of that. He was so kind and thoughtful, it was a wonder that he was in the Slytherin house at all. Lily had always believed that the Sorting Hat had made a massive mistake in putting Severus in the Slytherin House, rather than in the Gryffindor House with her, where he belonged. And now here she was reaping the consequences. Every day.
Lily was convinced that if he spent more and more time around Slytherins, especially Slytherin Quidditch players who were even more arrogant than the rest of the House members, he would become corrupted with all that vile filth which, in Lily's eyes, tainted every single Slytherin. They were all Wizard purists, who believed in Muggle inferiority and the supremacy of 'pure bloods'. They made her sick, those Slytherins who went around calling Muggle students slurs like 'mudblood' and 'creature of dirt'. Some students even referred to their Muggle classmates as 'lowlife dirty-blooded scum', a particularly offensive slur that normally resulted in severe punishment (not that Lily thought Professor Dumbledore's awarding of detention really sufficed). And the Slytherin Quidditch Team was known to also engage in such puristic Muggle-bashing, especially on the Quidditch grounds when playing against another House whose team included some Muggle or Half-Muggle players. How could anyone forget when Gabriella Stone, now off of the Slytherin Quidditch team of course, screamed at the Ravenclaw seeker last term that he was a 'dirty fucking mudblood' whilst he swept past her and managed to catch the Snitch? Hadn't the entire Slytherin stand roared with shouts and yells of agreement at her insult, and hadn't they all started calling the Ravenclaw Seeker a 'cheating, lying creature of dirt'? Lily was sure that was the reason Gabriella Stone really dropped out of the Slytherin Quidditch Team, rather than her injury. Professor Dumbledore had scolded the entire Slytherin Quidditch Team and the Slytherin House as a whole, and Gabriella Stone was punished with weekly detentions for the next two months. Soon after, there were rumours that Professor Dumbledore was threatening to expel Gabrielle Stone from the Slytherin Quidditch Team. And after her accident during the last training session before the match against Gryffindor, when everyone was eagerly anticipating to see if Gabriella's continual use of derogatory slurs towards Muggles would be ignored by the Hogwarts Quidditch Committee again, her replacement by Severus appeared to have been completely natural - something of a fait accompli.
But Lily didn't believe that it was just Gabriella Stone who was an evil Witch purist – the entire Slytherin House teemed with prejudice and hatred of Muggles, and being surrounded by such people would do Severus no good - he already lived with them for crying out loud! Plus, there was another thing that worried Lily, which she normally tried to bury in the back of her mind. When that laughing group of boys had enviously joked that Severus would now enjoy the attention of dozens of girls, all eager to have a chance to talk to this new 'Quidditch hero', Lily could not ignore the pang of jealously that she felt. Not only were those boys right, but they might also be right about Sophie Evergreen. The more she thought about it, the more it made sense that Severus would like the blonde Slytherin Keeper. First off, she was a skilful Quidditch player, and knowing how obsessed Severus had become about Quidditch, it was unsurprising that he would take an interest in her. Plus, with those training sessions and dinner parties in Slughorn's office, they were undoubtedly spending a lot of time together. And plus, Lily thought unhappily, the girl was marvellously pretty, with powerfully intense light grey eyes and strawberry long blonde hair that she normally swept back into a neat and orderly French plait. Why wouldn't Severus like her?
Suddenly, Lily was violently pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of a chair scraping against the wooden floor board. One of the boys of the group who'd spoken earlier was trying to take one of the chairs surrounding the table at which Lily was currently sat in order to join his group of friends across the other side of the room.
"You don't mind, do you?" He asked, following Lily's eyes on the chair.
"Er, no. Take it!" Lily replied, immediately realising that she was by now very late to her Potions' class.
In fact, realising that she was already so late that a few extra minutes wouldn't matter anyway, Lily decided to ask the boy what he and his friends had been talking about earlier.
"Hey, what happened at breaktime? I've been in the library this whole time."
The boy looked surprised, and then smiled as he went over that morning's corridor proceedings again in his head. "Well, you missed a lot. James Potter got absolutely roasted by one of the Slytherin Quidditch Keepers, Sophie Evergreen. It was sick!"
"Why was she roasting him?" Lily asked. "Was he provoking her?" Lily wouldn't have been surprised if that was the case – James Potter was one of the most provocative people she knew, as she noted from personal experience. That boy pushed her to her limits.
"Nah, he was actually provoking Snape. Poor guy was sitting there in his wheelchair when Potter just comes up to him and starts telling him how shit he is at Quidditch, and how all his success so far is just a fluke. Evergreen and Clearwater – Mitchell Clearwater, the Slytherin Quidditch Captain – started insulting him back, and he got all red in the face. It was quality entertainment, I tell you. Maybe even better than a game of Quidditch!"
Immediately Lily became concerned for Severus. She had been so caught up in worrying about she would be impacted by Severus's Quidditch-playing that she hadn't even thought about how he was doing. I really am selfish, Lily thought miserably, despite how Severus had tried to convince her otherwise a few days earlier in the hospital ward.
"Is he okay?" Lily asked the boy. "Severus."
"Ah, yeah I think he's alright. He didn't seem that bothered by Potter, although his expression did look pretty blank. Like he didn't know what to say. His legs must be killing him though."
Lily nodded – she knew exactly what Severus's blank expression meant. He probably was trying to process everything that was happening, and failing to. It was overwhelming, Lily recognised, to go from being an ordinary student who normally kept to himself to a full-blown Quidditch talent star. It must be quite difficult for him, she realised sympathetically.
"Thanks." Lily told the boy, and he nodded his head in return and proceeded to pull the wooden chair over to his group of friends, who didn't look the slightest bit in the mood for some hard, intense work over their free period.
And neither was Lily. Having heard about what had happened during breaktime, Lily resolved to ditch her Potions class in order to go and visit Severus in the hospital ward. Even though she had a lesson, she doubted that the Matron would not believe her if she said she had a free study period. Then she could spend the remaining forty minutes with Severus until lunch – Lily's favourite pastime. Grabbing her stationery items and shoving them all into her brown leather satchel, Lily walked out of the library and headed for the Hospital Ward.
"Lily!" Severus exclaimed when he saw her walk into the ward, her auburn hair hastily tied into a messy bun and a few smears of ink framing her face around her temples. She also had ink stains all over her hands and even some on her right forearm, as if she'd been elbows deep into an ink-pot.
"Hey Sev." Lily smiled, almost shy all of a sudden at seeing the person she'd been thinking about in the library for the past ten minutes. Isn't it crazy how someone can exist in your head, she thought? Even though she had only seen Severus once that week, a few days earlier in the hospital ward, she felt like she had spent hours more with him, although he had just been accompanying her in her thoughts.
"Don't you have a lesson right now?" Severus asked, deliberately choosing not to comment on Lily's ink-stained face, hands and arms, given the reaction she'd had a few days ago in the library when she'd spent the entire night trying to complete her Arithmancy homework. Severus had never understood why she had reacted that way, and he wasn't going to try and ask now.
"Yes, but I'm late anyway, and I don't fancy getting a yelling from old Slughorn. Even though he might be in a good mood today, what with the Quidditch win against Hufflepuff and everything." Lily replied, taking the seat tucked away near Severus's bedside and sitting down on it.
"That's not like you." Severus said teasingly. "Ditching lessons now Lily Evans? I don't think Mr and Mrs Evans would be too happy with that!"
"They probably wouldn't even care." Lily said dismissively. "They're probably worrying about Tuney's A-Levels, or whatever her exams are called. I don't care what any of them think."
"Hey, I was only joking Lily. Sorry for them bringing them up." Severus apologised, remembering how badly Lily's send-off by her family at Platform 9 and ¾ had gone just a few weeks earlier at the beginning of September. She definitely didn't want to be reminded of that.
"No, don't worry. Let's not talk about my family." Lily inwardly cringed as she realised she was focusing the conversation on herself rather than talking about Severus which was what she had intended. She was supposed to be asking him how he was feeling, what had happened at breaktime, and if she could do anything to help. Instead they were talking about her beef with her family. I'm just as self-obsessed as James Potter, Lily lamented in annoyance.
"Sure. What do you want to talk about?" Severus asked, closing his copy of Quidditch Through the Ages which he had been rereading in the ward bed.
"I wanted to ask how you're doing? Has the pain in your legs gone down a bit?" Lily looked down at the huge lump in the lower half of the ward bed, which looked like too huge snow mountains that sloped and twisted in the creases of the white bedsheet.
"It's actually not too bad right now. Matron's given me a bunch of Magic painkillers which do the trick. But my legs still feel quite heavy and weird, especially now that they're in these huge casts. Just getting into the wheelchair is a mammoth task."
"Oh, Sev." Lily whispered, only now fully realising that Severus was not going to be able to walk for the next few months. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
Severus smiled warmly at Lily. "Just being here right now is great. Though I can't ask you to keep ditching lessons for me."
The sight of Severus's smile made Lily cheeks slightly flush – she always loved it when Severus gave her that smile.
"Nonsense!" She replied. "It's not like I can't just copy off your Potions notes!"
"But I'm not in the class either." Severus pointed out, motioning his arms towards his body under the bedsheet covers. "I'm not exactly catching up on classwork right now, am I?"
"Well then we'll both have to catch up together." Lily smiled, looking forward to their Potion revision sessions in the library.
"Sounds great." Severus agreed, before his face suddenly fell as if he remembered something.
"Something wrong?" Lily asked worriedly.
"Oh nothing." Severus replied, slightly out of sync. "I get these waves of nausea sometimes. Like I feel a bit disoriented."
"Is that the medication?" Lily asked.
"Maybe. Although I have enough to feel disoriented about without needing the medication to be doing that for me."
"Ah, you mean Quidditch?"
"Yep. I feel like I've done a one-eighty, Lily. You have no idea what just happened in the corridor at breaktime, when I went out in the wheelchair with Sophie."
Lily ignored the twinge of irritation she felt at the mention of Sophie's name, and asked Severus to explain what happened, although she had already been told the events.
"I come out and everyone's staring at me. Literally, staring at me. It was incredible. They were all looking at me as if I was some sort of saviour."
"Like people normally look at Potter?" Lily said flatly.
"Yeah. Not that that's a good thing." Severus said quickly, noticing Lily's unimpressed tone.
Lily then sighed as if she had been pondering something for a long time, and then shook her head.
"It is a good thing, Sev. For people to recognise how talented you are. Don't let me rain on your parade."
The atmosphere between that had become tense, just like it had been during their argument after Severus had told Lily that he had been accepted as part of the Slytherin Quidditch Team. Once again, Severus was trying not to test the waters with Lily by upsetting her with all of this 'Quidditch ego' nonsense, and Lily was in turn battling herself with trying to let Severus enjoy the fruits of his success.
It was like she was constantly at war with herself. Although Lily wanted Severus to enjoy playing Quidditch, and the popularity that came with it, she was equally anxious about what would happen to him, and to them.
"I'm sorry for being like this, Sev." Lily told him. "I don't want you to keep worrying about what I think. I feel like I'm spoiling everything for you when right now you should be having the time of your life – jumping up and down because you're literally a Quidditch star! You managed to perform moves on half a broom stick that no one's even seen been done in Hogwarts before! And here I am being all grumpy about it…"
"Lily, first of all I can't be having the time of my life jumping up and down because I don't have the legs to be doing that." Severus replied, provoking a laugh from Lily who couldn't help but giggle despite her watery eyes. "And second of all, you're not ruining anything. I know you're worried about everything changing because of Quidditch – but as I've said before – I promise you, nothing will. I promise."
For the second time, Lily nodded at Severus's insistent reassurances, still irritated at herself that she was even bringing this up. In fact, the only thing that could make her angrier at herself was to ask him a particular question, which of course she could not stop herself from asking.
"Actually Sev, I wanted to ask you. People have been saying that you're going out with Sophie Evergeen. Is that true? You never told me." Lily said as casually as she could.
"What?" Severus asked, shock written all over his face. "If I am, this is the first time I've heard about it."
"Oh so you're not?" Lily said, feeling a happy wave of relief wash away her previous anxieties.
"No! I mean, we're just friends. I've never even thought about it."
"I guess it's just a stupid rumour then." Lily said happily.
"Where did you hear this from?" Severus asked her, perplexed.
"Oh, I just overhead it from some boys in the library. They were also talking about James Potter having a go at you, though apparently he got completely toasted by Sophie and Mitchell."
"Ugh," Severus groaned, "how do rumours start just like that? Although Potter did get toasted. I'm lucky to have Mitchell and Sophie, to defend me like that."
Lily didn't think he was lucky to have these Slytherin Quidditch players as friends, but she wasn't going to bring that up now. Nor did she want to talk about James Potter, whose continuing advances towards her only made her dislike him more. Instead, she wanted to spend the rest of her 'free period' chatting with Severus about what chocolate and sweets he wanted her to buy from Hogsmeade, as she had realised that was the perfect antidote to his being bed-bound in the miserable Hospital ward. Even if she would never give in her homework on Golpalott's Third Law for her Antidote module for her Potions class, that didn't mean she was going to try to concoct some antidotes on her own! And now that Severus had reassured her about Sophie, Lily instantly felt much better. The idea of dating Sophie hadn't even crossed his mind! As reassured as Lily felt, it didn't mean that that horrible nagging feeling at the back of her mind had disappeared. It remained there, hidden, but persistent. Lily knew that she was just being paranoid, and that she would just have to ignore it. There were more important things to be worrying about, such as what flavour lollipop Severus would prefer from Hogsmeade. Hogwart's second-best Potions student was not going to let her Antidote be anything but perfect!