Years ago her mom had told her that a boss can make you miserable or give you a ladder to heights you couldn't have otherwise seen. The words were mentioned in passing and had something to do with Beth's dad. She couldn't remember exactly what occasion it was but still they stuck.
Luckily Rob turned out to be a fair employer. There wasn't escaping from doing some comparing, particularly at first. Even in small details, like how Rob favored crisp white shirts and dark jeans. How he'd always seem to have a snack in his hand, even during business conversations with associates. Her questions or comments were more often than not readily welcomed, actively encouraged, and after a month it still threw her off. It wasn't what separated them, Beth bitterly acknowledged as she stepped lighter after a conversation with Rob after her suggestion had turned a business proposition around.
It wasn't that that Rio hadn't listened to her or encouraged her in his own way. What was missing was that tension wasn't there, the weariness. There was some distance between Rob and her but it was lined with no subtext. It was safe in a way that Rio and her relationship wasn't.
As she got to know Rob better she saw other similarities between the two men. Like Rio, Rob barely shared information about himself. In that reserved way he reminded her the most of Rio. He was also bit more rigid, checking in with her much more often than Rio had in the short time they worked together. Beth hadn't expected a micro-manager and didn't always respond well to it, finding it stifling at times. Overall, though, she didn't have complaints. Between her, Ruby, and Annie, Beth had heard enough horror stories about bosses to be grateful for what she had.
Annie and Ruby had both been rehired, ensuring that Beth was onboard as well, Ruby opting, as Beth expected, only to work on the legal side of business. As a result she worked less often than Beth but it put her in a better place to apply for needed loans for Sara's treatment. Annie fluctuated between various employers associated with Rob, calling herself a freelancer. Still, on occasion Beth and Annie found themselves in the same last minute meetings. It was one of these Beth caught her sister smiling broadly at her phone.
"Something you want to share with the class?" Beth teased her sister before bringing her mug to her lips, waiting for the meeting to start.
"No," Annie put her phone away and stretched her arms out on the table, carefully avoiding eye contact. Beth hmmmed at her.
"It's Gregg, he just-" Annie fiddled with her hands. "He and Sadie saw this movie yesterday," she said, a smile growing as she spoke, "and this one scene the boy and his dad went to the market to buy a goat –" she laughed and met Beth's eyes. "You had to be there."
Gregg and Sadie… Yeah. Beth had little doubt that Gregg and Annie had slowly been growing closer the past several weeks, if not with Annie casually mentioning that she and Gregg hung out in the park and not just to talk about Sadie. She wouldn't judge, and she wasn't best friends with Nancy, but she couldn't help but want Annie to do it the right way. Indeed Gregg and Nancy were spending time apart, the full circumstances of which she didn't know. It didn't work out the first time between her sister and her ex, but Beth knew where it was headed. She'd known her sister long enough. Maybe they'd learned something.
At one point, right around the time Beth had gotten tipsy – she'd never admit to it being more - Annie mentioned she respected that Gregg was married and he himself assured her nothing would happen again while he was married. They had been having a girls' night with Ruby, snow quietly softening the tress and grass outside her window. This Beth appreciated, though she couldn't help but empathize with Nancy at the 'again' part. The bottom line was that Gregg and Annie's story wasn't over.
A glass of bourbon in her hand, Beth relished that night with her sister and best friend, even if the next morning she didn't remember all the details of the night before and couldn't quite remember when Ruby had left, Annie sleeping over. It was about a month had past since she'd come back from the trip and she'd needed that time with Ruby and Annie. It had been constant work, and kids, and Dean since she'd been back. Work took her out of the house more than ever before, causing conflict with Dean who'd begun staying over before moving back in. It wasn't exactly discussed. Both Beth and Dean let it happen.
They didn't talk about what they were, though he was sleeping in Kenny's room. Him being around was comforting though. Gave a sense of normalcy. It wasn't a fulfilling situation but she'd got on with much less, and now she was working to help provide for her family. She still had to pay her debt for having insisted Annie and Ruby stay on, before she could really make money, but Annie and Ruby were helping a little where they could. It wasn't much nor was it enough, but Beth hoped with the overtime she was putting in that she'd be able to get back on track to earning something that would be enough. She had to, with bills keeping on coming, the mortgage payments taking priority. But there were enough expenses to worry about outside of them.
Along with Annie, Ruby had reason to smile herself. It wasn't etched in stone, but she and Stan were finding themselves having small moments that Stan told her reminded him of why they had gotten married. Why he had intertwined his life with hers. He had even joined Ruby when she'd met with Judy.
"We had a good session yesterday. The last few nights we'd had dinner it felt like it used to." Ruby offered a shy smile. She'd come over at an afternoon when Dean was out with the kids.
Beth nodded, holding the moment with her best friend. "He just needed time." She said, mirroring Ruby's smile. "Also, I called it." She leaned back in her chair.
Ruby held her mug with two hands. "We'll make sure you're invited to our anniversary party. A nice spot by the lake. Once it warms up."
"Same place Sara had her birthday party two years ago?"
Ruby nodded her head.
"I'm doing the cake."
"That's right you are. But make sure you have us over to sample flavors. It has to feel like the real thing."
Beth smiled, nodding gently. She'd never gotten to do that. She'd chosen the flowers for the ceremony but it had been a simple wedding for her and Dean. At the time she didn't miss it. Her life was heading to a place she'd dreamed about for her and Annie. She'd found stable footing and the beauty she'd found in her wedding was from whatever small and large details she and Dean could put together.
The two friends looked at the snow flakes crowding the street outside Beth's window. It was already January and the memory of what had happened before the trees started shedding felt like decades ago. Beth could barely remember what warm streets felt like but she could hear her kids laughing in the back yard like it was an hour ago. When Kenny was five Dean had built a house for the kids to play in. She wondered where those photos were.
"Do you miss him?" Ruby asked.
"Sometimes. Sure." She rested her head on her palm. It was strange to miss someone you lived with. But it hadn't been the same as - well, could've been before Emma was born. That's when it was last consistently good. Ruby knew Dean had moved back in though he and Beth weren't officially back together. The rare times Beth said anything about it she'd talked about how it was strange, sharing a space with someone she knew but didn't share the same life. They still had the kids. She didn't want to linger on those thoughts.
Her eyes followed the swaying branches outside her window. "It's funny to live with someone and miss him," she smiled mirthlessly, putting her thoughts in words. She didn't always. But sometimes she thought of what it was before. Of how it was when it was good. Of when it had exactly changed, what that had meant.
"And?"
"And that's it. It's what I need now."
It was a vague statement that she knew didn't much of anything to Ruby it's all she knew to say. What did it mean that she was sharing a house with Dean but they were, for lacking of better words, in an odd stalemate of near friendship? She didn't know. Just that it was what she needed she supposed, in the chaos of her life. Ruby didn't follow up with a comment and Beth sank in her thoughts, taking a sip from her coffee. Beth took a sip from her coffee. It was still too hot and her tongue burned as it touched the surface.
"And the other one?" Ruby glanced at her mug before squaring her eyes on Beth.
Beth shifted in her seat and gave her best friend a quizzical look.
Ruby put her palm flat on the table. "And before we play a game about who it is I'm asking about, I mean the guy you haven't mentioned since you came back from your trip and told us you got our jobs back." Her eyes widened as she tilted her head. "Except that time-"
"Let's not get into that right now." Beth lifted her hand palm up.
Or ever, she and Ruby both knew she meant. Last time Ruby had tried to bring it up it was maybe Sara or Danny who'd interrupted the conversation. It was easy to shake the topic away. It was for her to keep. For her to hold. Ruby knew that.
That same night Ruby referred to, was the last time she'd gotten a little too much bourbon, when Annie talked about Gregg. She had she tripped, confessing a few memories from the trip to Ruby and Annie that later she'd hopelessly wished she could take back. What had been the point? The house was warm and they were snuggled under their blankets. Sadness and exhaustion had just weighed her down. And it was over. What was the point?
Beth shook her head before Ruby could push further. "That's all in the past."
"What's in the past?" Ruby looked at her with tired and knowing eyes.
"The trip." She grabbed a black berry from the bowl but instead of putting it in her mouth she held it between her fingers, squeezing it.
"So you don't miss him?"
"What's to miss? That he beat up Dean? Put a gun to my head? Threatened us each step of the way?"
"Hey," Ruby raised her hands. "I wasn't the one to bring him up." Her hand settled on the handle of her mug.
"I know." Beth looked out the window, rolling the berry between her fingers. She made a face. "That was a long time ago. Too much bourbon."
Her eyes didn't have to meet Ruby to know her response. Maybe Beth couldn't remember everything from that night but the following morning, lying in bed with a queasy stomach, she had promised herself she'd make sure not to get to that point she'd drink too much she'd feel comfortable to bring up topics long gone and best kept behind stutters. So the few times Ruby'd tried to broach the subject after that Beth had shut it down immediately. Maybe if she'd entertain the conversation this time to make it clear how it didn't affect her, Ruby would let it go.
"So he didn't make up for any of that while you were away, huh?" Ruby asked, referring to the list Beth had just detailed about the damage Rio had done.
Brief images flashed behind her eyes that Beth promptly swept into a dark room as she set down her mug on the stony counter. "I don't – think about him. I did a job and – we had nothing in common."
"Yeah." Ruby brought her mug to her mouth and took a drink. "That's why you're giving CPR to that berry in your hand?"
Beth popped it in her mouth. It had already bled dark blue spots on her fingers.
She'd never admit it, certainly not to herself. It wasn't even just a moment here and there. They'd connected. He had a family he looked out for too. They'd worked as a team for about two minutes and it felt right. Even while he'd bothered and pissed her off, even with the conflict they'd had, even though she'd gone against his wishes to help her own – as she was sure he would've done. She'd helped in in the end and it felt good. When they'd looked up at the fireworks. When he'd stayed with her. When he'd acknowledged her role. Like it mattered anyway. He had made it clear that he wanted her out of his life and she was smart enough to consider it a favor for her as much as to him.
It would've not just gotten messy, it would've been a disaster. What would she do with him? How could he – how could either of them fit in each other's lives?
So what if she had found herself thinking about him those first weeks after she'd left him at the port. Already it was started to fade. Just like she noticed less and less often tattoos on peoples' bodies, that she turned around more slowly when she thought she smelled his aftershave, that she didn't glance at the door each time she heard a creek in the house when she'd have a few moments alone. Any - emotional response to his memory would soon vanish completely.
Ruby tapped her fingers on the table.
"What?" Beth asked, grabbing a few berries from the bowl.
"Ask yourself." Ruby said.
She finished chewing waiting for Ruby to continue. "What?" She asked again.
"Why, alcohol or not, you brought him up. Why he agreed to hire me for an on the books job so quickly when you asked him to do it." Ruby tilted her head.
"It wasn't quick. That was a long weekend." Her head hurt and she turned her eyes from Ruby's pointed gaze. "He wouldn't do it if it didn't make sense for his business." Of this she was absolutely certain.
"Why he stayed with you when you were sick," Ruby continued undeterred.
Good God, she knew Ruby was going to throw that in her face. Beth sipped on her coffee. How did she even remember that? Beth barely remembered mentioning that to her and Annie.
"Do you have an answer for that?" Ruby shook her head slowly.
"He looked out for an employee. And he didn't stay with me," She lied. And thank goodness she hadn't said they'd fallen asleep together, only that he'd stayed with her briefly and given her water.
Ruby's lips tightened to a thin line. It was clear she wanted to say more but was stopping herself.
"What?" Beth threw her hands in the air. "What do you want? Nothing happened OK, nothing. Just a few days, taking care of business, so we could do what we're doing," she kept talking, not liking how Ruby wasn't speaking. "We all needed that money, right? Nothing changed. Even if we kissed-"
"You kissed?!" Ruby's eyes widened.
Beth resisted the instinct to jump out of her chair, instead shooting her hands up again. "No. No, that wasn't what I meant," she lied weakly, knowing her body language was betraying her.
Ruby blinked, blinked again, then grimaced, her mouth opened and closed as she seemed to process the – hopefully not image, Beth couldn't think about that - and her hands shot to her lap as she leaned forward. "Was it good?"
At Beth's hand motions and squirming on her seat Ruby waved her own hand to slow Beth's movements. "OK. OK."
Beth willed her body to stop moving before putting her hand out on the counter, and grabbing her mug and taking a drink.
"You know," Beth set her mug down. "Anyone listening to this would think you've changed your mind on- on him. On this," she ventured quietly. It wasn't that Ruby was pushing her to Rio's arms exactly but the fact she was bringing it up and fishing without doing what she needed to do – shut it down, confused her.
Ruby stared up at the ceiling. "I don't even know what I'm doing." She paused and met Beth's eyes resolutely. "No, I do. I think that this'll be on your mind until you deal with it. Maybe… Get that itch scratched." She raised her hands in defense at Beth's glare. "And then you move on."
Beth shook her head as her eyes widened. "That is not happening."
"Before you accuse me of being Annie- you never get to do something reckless."
With him? Of all people?
"I can't believe we're entertaining this."
"Me neither," Ruby shook her head, but didn't take it back.
No, of course, she couldn't. Least of which she hadn't even seen him since she'd been back, save for a few fleeting moments in a couple of different warehouses. Rio wasn't there for her, and he'd usually make an appearance and leave, once just passing her in a hallway.
"It's good to see you," she ventured the last time she saw him. It had been a stilted conversation but it still took her back. Maybe because the longest time she'd seen him before the bump ins had been during the weekend.
"Beth, let's go!"
"Who's that?" Rio asked, glancing at the man behind her and back to Beth.
"We're doing the next run together," Beth turned her head back, nodding at Sam, who waved at Rio.
"Don't you got your sister for that?"
Surely he knew Annie and her weren't working together. He knew everything that was going on.
"She's not doing runs. She's doing prints today," Beth said, watching Rio observing Sam quietly as he nodded. She tried to check in with Annie to see how she was doing. while they weren't together she still wanted to look out for her.
"Have fun," he said, turning around, and walking away from her.
"Beth!"
"Coming," Beth turned, noticing Rio turn his head back before turning the corner.
Not always, but too often in the few times she saw him she found it weighing her thoughts for longer than it should, those tiny interactions, even if she managed to quickly enough move on to the task at hand. And it hadn't happened recently, which was just fine by her. She hadn't seen Rio at all in the last few weeks actually.
"Do you worry about him?" Beth asked, not looking at Ruby.
"Stan?" Ruby understood who Beth was asking about easily and she tipped her head towards the counter. "Yes. I do. I mean he's more on the detective end of things, not so much chasing down criminals. It was always his dream. Protecting other people. Upholding the law." She shook her head, then looked up. "Why?"
Beth mirrored Ruby's head shaking before she tore away her eyes too quickly.
When she'd gotten injured, the way Rio had looked at her. But that was something he always faced. It was ridiculous she'd be even contemplating this, it meaning she'd be thinking of a future. But she had to remind herself. Just in how many ways it wouldn't work.
"I practically begged to keep working with him," Beth said, still looking away. "I'm not trying to contact him again for – anything else. It's – it's over." Beth said. "I'm never going to have a reason to see him again." she said, looking down, knowing that her glance would give something away. "Rob is enough to deal with."
"I still think it's too bad nothing happened between you two on that trip if you weren't going to work together. I mean, apart from-" Ruby coughed at Beth's stiff glare, sounding too close like a giggle. "Maybe you'd be saying something different now. What?"
"I don't think – I don't think it'd be just that." Beth trailed her finger on her glass.
"You like him?" Something between surprise and bewilderment played on Ruby's voice.
"It doesn't matter," and with that Beth knew she couldn't reverse Ruby's expression.
"Damn. You care about him." She said with widened eyes. "What happened on that boat?!"
So she gave in and shared a little more, just enough to admit that yes, in some vague way a connection was made. And how couldn't she respond well, Beth told herself, if a man she respected (albeit resentfully) listened to her and encouraged her? To herself she admitted she'd gone through her mind about how she could, or rather what it would look like if something happened. Or continued. What was his family like? What did he do when he wasn't working, what music did he listen to? What else could they make each other try to eat, what would they like to do together, would they have anything else in common?
She couldn't believe she'd actually imagined it, what it would be like to da- spend time with him, but there it was. Not like she'd seriously considered it for one second, but she'd just been curious about him. She'd known so little about him, even after they'd spent a few days together.
The sun showed its face for a brief respite from the cloudy, heavy days as Beth pulled her car in the parking lot. It had been a tough morning with the kids. Her and Dean tried to get into a rhythm of sharing some of the morning and evening childcare. The brunt of the household chores still fell on her. Dean had his job at Boland Motors but the money that was coming in was just not enough. It led to arguments and general exhaustion, not to mention guilt that she wasn't spending as much time with the kids as she wanted. But it was the price that she was paying to keep them safe and fed. And despite the tension with Dean it was easier to take care of the house and the kids with him than doing it alone, she acknowledged. She couldn't imagine what it'd look like if he wasn't there. What it would be like for the kids.
She was getting out of her car when she saw a familiar face walk behind her car. It took her just a few seconds to place him.
"Antonio."
"Hi," Antonio recognized her but scratched his head, trying to remember the name.
"Alanna," she smiled.
"Oh – Elizabeth," Antonio nodded his head.
Her name, not nickname, made her heart skip a beat but she didn't change her expression. She was curious at it.
"Rio told me," Antonio said.
Beth smiled on, not admitting to anything, but felt her shoulders relax a little, her stomach stupidly warming at his last sentence.
"How are you? I haven't seen you-" he stopped speaking and her heart panged a little.
"I'm doing OK, transferred to another department." She said with a small laugh, pulling out her handbag and locking her car door. "What are you doing in Detroit? Do you live here now?"
"No, I'm just here for a minute. The wife has family here so we're spending some time with them."
Beth nodded. "That's fun. How is she? What about-" Beth motioned to her stomach and her grin grew and Antonio's face lit up.
"She and my girl are fine," Antonio said, already pulling up photos on phone.
"Congratulations," Beth said over the photos of a laughing baby in different poses. "She's adorable."
She missed that sometimes, when her babies were actual babies and she could fit them snuggled in her arms.
"Thanks," Antonio smiled, putting his phone away.
"Seeing friends while you're here?" She couldn't resist asking.
"Yeah, got some high school friends who moved her, gonna hit them up. It's a quick trip, we're leaving in a couple of days. Was gonna see Rio this afternoon."
"How is he doing? I haven't seen him in a while," Beth added quickly.
If Antonio was surprised at her question, he didn't show it. "Yeah, he's good. I'm gonna see him this afternoon," Antonio said, glancing at his phone. "Sorry, my wife."
How casually he'd said he was going to see him. Beth allowed herself a second to wonder what that'd feel like.
"Yeah, I'll be there. Ten minutes," Antonio said. "I brought that too. Love you," He hung up, still smiling. "Wives," he said conspiratorially to Beth, who couldn't help but remember with a little fondness her and Dean, many years ago.
"You know, I know it happened a month ago, but I felt bad about what happened at the party."
He felt bad? Beth shook her head. "What do you mean?"
"If I made you uncomfortable about it," Antonio looked sheepish. "About assuming you and Rio were together..."
"Oh," Beth waved it away. "Don't be silly."
"It was just funny how you agreed with me. Then Rio told me it was a story. And I remembered what I told you."
Beth told herself not to blush. After all this time, a wave of embarrassment washed her.
"But it just made sense you know. Confident, put together." Antonio paused. "Other descriptions my wife wouldn't want me to repeat. But then I realized that I was wrong."
"Really, don't worry about it,"she begged him to stop talking, half listening to his excuses. "It was just a stupid party."
"Worked out out though."
Beth exhaled. "Yeah, it was the most action I did in a whole weekend, that's for sure."
"That evening, I didn't hear the end of that. I gotta say, you did well, I really believed you."
Beth nodded, fixing her handbag's strap over her shoulder. After a moment she realized she had daydreamed, as Antonio looked on at her as if waiting for a response. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I was just saying that I had a suspicion early on when we first talked but I figured it wasn't you when you'd said it. Rio was at this party a few months back and he was telling me how he'd just barged in, which he likes to do-" Antonio shook his head. "He goes on about this one woman, said he'd met her before. But it couldn't have been you. She was a mom, and you said you didn't have any kids. It was her kid's birthday too. Wild, isn't it?"
She sucked in a deep breathe. No, but it couldn't be, it was just a coincidence, it was just –
"Then he tells me they get into a fight. In this woman's bedroom. And he's there on business and he's gotta stay focused cause he let himself get distracted just for a second. She's messed up though so that gets his ball on the game right quick. Get this, her husband walks in – and that's when I tell him he's gotta forget about her."
"Oh," Beth nodded mechanically.
"Not for the first time either. And he's giving me this, she's just this woman, and I look at him and I say, man, you've been going on about her for twenty minutes. I don't remember you talking about anything that's not business for the last six months other than your family. And that's when he smiled."
"After that I could tell when he was talking about her because of that dumb smile," Beth played out the continuation of the conversation as she got in her car once they'd say goodbye, just needing to breathe for a minute. She stared blankly at people walking by. Closed her eyes.
"It's cool though," Antonio had kept going. "He's been seeing someone new. He seems happy."
Her eyes burned a little. No, she wasn't going to do this. She wasn't going to cry over… A tear rolled down her cheek. Oh, it doesn't matter. So she'll cry. Cry and get it out of her system. Wash out any regret and any hurt. Whatever doesn't leave her body will drop into a drawer and safely be closed tight and locked away. Over and over she pressed Antonio's words down when they tapped back, demanding attention. Talking to him had just confused her but it didn't matter. It didn't change anything. This was all for the better.
To think that she was avoiding him this time while this was – while he was starting something with someone. She felt ridiculous. When she'd seen him – it must've been over a month ago by now, but had he been seeing her already? Had- she instructed herself to stop.
She took out a tissue, wiped her eyes, and blew her nose. She closed her eyes and breathed, listening to the muffled conversations outside the car and laughed to herself at how absurd it all was. After counting to ten she stepped out of the car again and got on her phone. It'd be time to pick up the kids sooner than later and she had at least five, maybe even six if she was able, errands to do before she'd head to their schools.
After getting home she'd checked her messages, not having the chance as she was running between the post office and the bank. Kenny was caught eating an entire cake at the teachers lounge.
"You got the message too?" Dean asked as Beth joined him in the kitchen.
"Meeting tomorrow at 2:30. You can make it?"
Dean nodded.
"What's this?" Beth asked down, putting her handbag on the table and lining the paper bags beside it. A thick envelope was seated at a distance from Dean.
"I didn't want to do it right now, but there's probably not going to be a better time," Dean smiled, showing his teeth in an exhausted, sad smile.
Beth pulled out pasta out of the bag, waiting for him to continue.
"They're divorce papers," Dean put his hand out on the counter.
"Now, Dean?" Beth asked, like he'd mentioned that the milk was out. But now, when things were back to – back to what?
"I just want it to be over."
Beth eyed the yellow envelope, imagining Dean sitting in front of his lawyer, writing up the terms.
"I'd be the first one to make this work, Bethie. You know that."
"What are we going to do? With this house? The kids?" Beth gestured around her.
"We keep the house. I was looking this up," Dean brought out a brochure from his pocket. "We can rent a place. Take turns being with the kids."
"How will we pay for that?"
Dean shook his head. "We'll find a way. But I think this – we know this isn't working."
Beth nodded.
Later that evening, the envelope sat in front of her, a few dimmed lights above her. How was she going to do this on her own? She thought as she sat at her kitchen island alone, staring at the papers. She heard Dean walking upstairs. Things had been better – better to run a household. She had no illusions about falling in love. It wasn't what she was looking for. She didn't want to do this on her own. Not again.
An hour later in the dark room she climbed in her son's bed.
"I'm sorry," Kenny said.
"It's not your fault," Beth said and hugged him.
"What're you going to do?"
"Duh. Sign them. Yesterday."
"It's not that easy, Annie."
"You're right. You really should have a lawyer look them over first."
"I can't believe he filed for divorce," Ruby said. Beth switched her phone to her other ear as she listened to Ruby and Beth's back and forth.
"Why not? He finally got a clue."
"How are you doing?" Ruby asked gently.
"You didn't even look at the papers yet, did you?"
"I don't feel anything, I honestly don't," Beth said, wiping the kitchen sink clean.
She heard silence on the other lines. Ruby and Annie could've not believed her. But she wasn't sure what to make of it. Maybe that's why she'd touched the envelope long enough to stuff it in a drawer. She'd stared at it for a while before then but that was about it.
"You want us to come over?" Annie asked.
"I can be there in half an hour."
"Just give me ten."
Tears stung Beth's eyes and she took a long breathe before she spoke. "No, I'm OK. But this Friday, maybe?"
"Of course," Annie said. "You uh, want me to give you my lawyer's number?"
Beth let out a chuckle. What would her mom say if she knew her daughters were having this conversation. She had to keep it together. She always had to keep it together. This was a call she didn't want to make, certainly not to Annie. Being the responsible one was her choice. But she just had to tell someone. She covered her mouth and chuckled again, hearing Annie's short exhales of breathe as she joined and Ruby's rolling laughter. They had to laugh.
She couldn't deal with how it felt. With what an ending meant to something she'd invested so many years on. There was the now. She had a house to run, kids to feed. Their future to think about. And she wouldn't have to deal with divorce papers right then and there to make the present happen for her kids.
"You're sure we can get $10,000?" Louis asked her.
"I don't think Rob's giving us a choice. But yeah, we can handle it," Beth smiled. "I have to leave at 6 though."
"A hot date with your man?"
Beth laughed. "Parent teach conference. Thanks for doing this earlier."
Louis checked his phone. "Sure, but Sunday it can't be earlier than eleven."
"It was just that one time," Louis pursed his lips at Beth's argument.
She was starting to be assigned to the same groups. Rob used not just peoples' talent but put them together to maximize profits. Certain people just worked better with others, Rob would say. Louis was sweet and easygoing. It was easy to fall into a teasing back and forth, and it just felt it nearly bordered on something – outside the lines. It was harmless though. He knew she was married – well, it was how she introduced herself. And she supposed she needed a distraction, something to make her smile.
"If you say so. Ready, Mrs. Boland?" Louis teased her. Beth was ready to retort back when she felt someone walk up beside her.
"How's it going, man?" Louis shook Rio's hand, who returned it.
"Good," Rio said.
Beth stiffened beside him. It had been so long since she's seen him last. Why was she feeling uncomfortable around him?
"You're going out?" Rio asked and Louis nodded happily.
"Mind giving us a minute?" Rio asked and Beth looked away.
"Sure. I'll be in the car," he smiled at Beth before turning to leave. Beth kept her smile until he turned his back.
"What are you doing?" She asked, staring at Louis retreating back.
"You're on the clock."
He wasn't even looking at her, looking ahead.
"What does that mean?" She asked, annoyed but trying to slow down the brimmer of it.
"Shouldn't you be at a run?"
"Yes, and you're stopping me from doing it," Beth gritted her teeth. He was still not looking at her but she was only giving him an occasional side look herself.
"Looked like you were doing a pretty good job not doing it." Rio spoke in clipped tones.
"We were waiting to hear back from Kia."
"You cut two hours early last week," Rio stood with his hands behind his back.
"I'm making it up."
From her periphery she saw Rio look down and then at her.
"Second week in a row. No, no, don't tell me. It's your family."
"It's my kids," she wanted to explain but knew he wouldn't listen.
"Yeah we all got kids."
"Rob told me it was OK. I wasn't going to get paid for the time that I missed."
"Rob's no snitch. He may be soft-"
So how did he find out? He must've looked at the books.
"He's fair," Beth said. "We're going to be late," She looked at her phone.
"You want me to regret bringing you back?"
He didn't mean it. He couldn't have meant it but he hadn't spoken to her like this before. Like they barely knew each other. Well – not since he'd, sort of, broken things off.
"When Rob calls you, you show up," Rio said coldly. "Or you send your sister or your friend."
"I'm not involving Ruby in any of this."
"You wanna get paid-" Rio's voice trailed off. "Come back with $50,000."
Beth's mouth dropped as she finally turned to him. "$50,000? There's no way-"
"Your cut's 20%."
"Hold on. That's not what Rob said."
"Yeah, well he doesn't work for himself, does he?"
"You know what would be nice. If you could give me a break, one time," she said, not backing off.
"Nah. You're in the wrong line of work for that. We all pay in the same," he said, his hands going to his pockets. "If you do a little less messing around-" he turned his body slightly towards where Louis'd had walked off.
Beth leaned her face forward, confused. "What?"
"I thought you was married."
She blinked at him. "Are you – that? That wasn't flirting," She said, wanting to laugh if his comment had not been so ludicrous.
Rio just took half a step towards her, leaned a little forward. "Just do your job."
"Yes, boss," Beth said and walked off without a word, not looking back.
It wasn't going to be enough, Beth thought as she looked over her spreadsheets.
"Did that run go OK?" Ruby asked.
"Yes, it was fine." Beth stretched her feet and turned over her colorfully painted budget. "I just need more money."
She'd actually gotten the $50,000. She'd had no choice, she had to make the money. And when she came back Rob had made her a new offer, which she couldn't help but suspect came from someone else. But she couldn't count on Louis for this one.
And that conversation with Rio, she couldn't think of it without getting fired up. Especially because he'd riled her up and she knew she had no choice but deliver. She always tried to hit the target but lately she had been off her game. There'd just been a lot going on at home and she knew she wasn't as focused as she wanted. But the way it was going it wasn't working out.
The kitchen was empty, the kids away and Ruby had come over to break the spell of silence. It was still hard to get used to. Armed with snacks and mugs of hot coffees Beth and Ruby sat on her couch.
"Kenny failed a math test?"
"No. He's doing a little better but- he doesn't really want to talk to me or Dean about it."
"Is it Dean?"
Dean. "No, before you ask, I haven't. Not yet," Beth added.
Ruby eyed her patiently, her arm on the counter.
"No, it's not him. It's not-" she shut her mouth at Ruby's knowing eyes.
"What happened?"
"I did something."
"Oh no," Ruby said, crossing her hands back and forth in the air.
"It's just something small-" Beth started.
"Stan and I are finally in a good place."
"OK, maybe it's not so small."
"I thought it was going OK."
"There's always another bill," Beth flipped through her papers.
"Tell me about it."
Beth sat back in her seat and pulled her feet under her.
"Let me think it over."
"I haven't even told you what it's about."
Ruby huffed. "You know I'm going to help. I just want to take an afternoon off."
"OK." Beth watched Ruby put her head against the couch as she felt relief. "I owe you one."
Ruby raised her finger. "And I will collect."
"Are you sleeping OK?"
"No. Stan's parents are having the kids for the weekend so we can take some time for ourselves."
"That'll be nice," Beth said with a smile.
"Anything else on your mind?"
"No." Beth closed her eyes. Ruby's phone rang. "Taking a break," she said.
"He's dating someone."
"So?"
That was right, so? She didn't have to explain either, Ruby knew immediately who she was talking about.
"So, it- I didn't expect that it'd- that I couldn't get past it right away. I did, but it didn't happen right away." Beth admitted.
And then that terribly strange and equally infuriating conversation they'd had a few days ago, that Beth wasn't able to make sense of. He hadn't been understanding, which she should've known but now better that he wouldn't be. And that comment he'd made. It was just so weird, how blunt Rio had been.
"Why?"
Beth exhaled. "What do you want from me?"
"Why didn't you get past it?" Ruby persisted, tilting her head. "Immediately," She added, in a tone that sounded too much like she didn't believe a word Beth had said.
"I don't – you know why, because I was – I – I missed him. I – I let him get…"
She didn't protect herself enough. Cause he got in there and settled. Far far too quickly and much too comfortably. Not that it was love and it wasn't much more than a crush, if that, but he'd just touched something she couldn't scrub as easily as she'd wanted.
"I just wanted you to say it."
"So I said it."
"So let him know."
"What? No. I have enough going on right now."
It's not like Rio would ever be a playful distraction. Even if it was a fling it would be – there'd be something intense about doing anything with him. She just had a feeling.
Ruby didn't reply but Beth was sure she was agreeing with her. Dean may have served her divorce papers but she hadn't made a move to sign them. It wasn't that she was having second thoughts exactly, she was just practical.
"I saw him before the run. He didn't help, just got on my back for not showing up, like I had a choice."
"Not a 9 to 5 job," Ruby said.
"Just do your job," Beth said, mocking Rio's tone. "Bring back $50,000."
"The ten k run?"
"Yes!"
"Did you do it?"
Yes. But-
"That's not the point."
He believed she could do it. Fine. That wasn't the point. He was exhausting. That conversation, standing in front of him, feeling like she'd have to fight him each step of the way. Not to mention-
"He doesn't let me catch a break. And he's with someone," Beth said, as Ruby continued to sit silently. "It's too – what am I gonna do with him?!"
Ruby shook her head. "You tell me," she said softly.
If her best friend couldn't see it, how could she?
"I don't know why this keeps coming up." Beth said and got up to start and clear dishes, declaring wordlessly that she was ready to end the conversation.
"B," Ruby said and Beth turned around.
Ruby rubbed her hands together. "I may not know exactly what you want but I know you. And I know that you feel something. It's not worth just moving on without doing anything."
"Why on earth would you think that?"
Ruby shook her head again and Beth stiffened.
"Look, I didn't want to say it. The way you talked that night, whiskey or not - you never talked that way about anyone else. You never had that look on your face before. And it's not the last time I've seen it. And that's it." Ruby raised her hands up. It wasn't all she wanted to say, Beth could tell, but she stayed still.
"He's with someone," Beth said again quietly but resolutely, her hands digging into the counter behind her.
"That boy hasn't forgotten you," She said with unfounded confidence, as far as Beth was concerned.
If that looked like him harassing her before a run, she didn't want it. At least – no.
Beth shook her head, signaling the end of conversation. "You're coming to the winter wonderland market?"
"Of course I am," Ruby said, pulling the newspaper closer to her.
The glasses bubbled up in the sink as Beth soaped them and scrubbed them.
"You sign these?" Ruby asked.
Beth wiped her hands dry. Ruby'd found the envelope under the newspapers.
"No, I was just, I was going to look at them."
"Did you decide on a lawyer?"
"Not yet," Beth said, walking to the island and stopping across from Ruby.
"You didn't open it yet, did you?"
"I did! Once."
It was hard. For a lot of reasons.
"Are you sure you want to do it?"
Beth leaned against the counter.
"I don't think Dean does," Ruby mirrored Beth.
"I was the one who'd brought it up."
"You're not going to be alone, B. Not in this," Ruby met her eyes.
Of course she wouldn't. But after Annie and Ruby would sit with her, after they'd comfort her, she'd be alone. For the mornings, for the evenings. While trying to make money. Trying not to miss a job.
"I don't even know where I'd find the money for a divorce, let alone life-"
"Is this something you want?"
"I think so," Beth said. "But it's not so easy."
"I know. Believe me. I know. I just wanted to be sure it was what you wanted."
"Why wouldn't you think so?"
"Cause you brought it up but he got the papers."
"Guess I wasn't ready," she admitted. She wasn't.
"You're right. It won't be easy. You shouldn't do it before you're ready. But whether you sign them or not… Let me tell you one thing," Ruby said. "Sometimes it's good to end something on your own terms." After a moment's hesitation, she added, "To be honest."
"What do you mean?"
"He served you the papers. You can take a lawyer and sign the papers and it'll end things. But is that enough?"
"What else needs to happen?" Beth asked.
"You tell me."
Ruby's words didn't mean much until she'd lied in her bed late that night and stared up at her ceiling, listening to a silent house. The room flashed with a bright light every minute or so but she didn't have the energy to turn off her notifications. Within seconds she'd be asleep anyway. Maybe Ruby was right, she thought, before sleep enveloped her. Maybe that was something that was missing. Making her own ending.
A/N
Beth/Dean, yes I know. That was painful to write. I originally didn't have them living together but then changed it with s2 and 3. It seemed to fit more with canon. Even if personally that would never be my choice for Beth, I was trying to get in her mind of why she would do it.
I know I have no credibility at this point, but now it should really be two more chapters.
Guest: Thank you very much for your comment! Hope you enjoyed this last chapter.
Liberiangirl85: :) That makes me so happy to hear! Thank you for taking the time for leaving a comment.