Ruby's words turned in her mind as she worked, as she helped Danny with his homework, played with Emma and Jane, chatted with Kenny on the couch on Sunday evening. While she watched the kids' clothes turn in the dryer. Life returned to a routine. Rob assigned her jobs, she got them done. Not without her share of mess ups, unfortunately coming when she'd stepped outside the lines, tried something different from what she was asked to. At those times she relied on Rob's expertise and vaguely in the back of her mind she knew this wouldn't work. Not in the long term.
It always felt like she had to prove her worth to him, and not only that, it was only recently that her interactions with Rob shed a little tension she wasn't aware was there. It was because of Rio. It wasn't forgotten what she'd done to him by turning him in. She'd put it past her but that wasn't enough and how could she have expected it to be? She had too much on her plate to stop and focus on that. Besides, Rio was out of the picture.
Where she could she listened, spoke up about taking a job that she knew wasn't going to be offered to her. Even offered an initiative on her own and sometimes she heard yes. But the yes as much as the no just strengthened her resolve that this wasn't what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. No, she'd leave this behind and make something of her own. It just wasn't clear what it'd look like.
And between successes and set backs and house work and kids' practice Ruby's words formed thorns on her fingers. Cause she knew what they'd meant. It meant saying her truth.
The kitchen was dimly lit as Dean stood on the other side of the island. They were drinking wine. Beth had brought in an extra bit of money and she'd picked up the bottle on the way home. Her and Dean had come to a kind of truce, had needed to, for the sake of the kids. How was she going to figure it all out on her own? He was in his way, some stability.
"You remember that summer we went to mom and dad's cabin?" Dean smiled.
Beth nodded. "That lake was beautiful."
Dean nodded, taking a drink from his glass.
Beth raised her finger as if remembering. "Could've used without the bed bugs."
"Oh, I forgot about that!"
Beth laughed. It wasn't at all funny back then. Emma hadn't even been born yet and it was tough caring for two very young kids. But it had been wonderful being out in the woods and taking a break.
"I still don't think they were bed bugs," Dean said, adding wine to his glass. "They did itch though."
"I don't remember them biting you."
Dean nodded emphatically. "Oh yeah. It was good though," he fiddled with the bottle cap. "It was our first family trip. Remember?"
"Yeah," Beth said, swirling her wine in her glass.
The two sat in silence. It was an amicable one. The last few weeks were so hard and Beth didn't doubt Dean's presence helped. Despite the kids running late to school a few mornings, or dinner getting burned. She wasn't sure how'd she make it work without him.
"It's over," She told him. Dean glanced in surprise.
"You sure that's what you want to do?" Annie had asked her earlier that day.
"What do you mean?" Beth asked, pressing the phone against her cheek with her shoulder, folding the laundry.
"I mean – you know I'm the first one who's gonna want you to go riot act on him. But you were just telling me on Monday that things were going good and you didn't know how the kids and the job was going to work-"
"I know," Beth turned from the laundry to her burner phone, typing quickly to Louis.
Annie was right, Beth had talked exactly about that. But something was missing in all of this. She wasn't sure exactly what it was. She needed something. To have it be the ending that she wanted.
"What?" Dean asked her, his face blank.
"You got the papers," Beth acknowledged. "But it was over."
"I didn't even bring that up-"
"I know. I know that it's been working to have you here with the kids. I don't know-" She hesitated. "I don't know how I would've been able to work without your help with the kids."
Dean nodded.
"And that's money we need."
"I just needed to sell a few of the higher end cars, and we'd be back in business."
But he hasn't. And it wasn't going to be enough. Beth squared her shoulders.
"We need my job. For this house. For the kids." She put her hands on her lap. "I don't need you. Your kids need you. I need you for them. But you lied, and you cheated. And what we have- is just for them. It's over."
Dean stepped closer to her. "I never meant to take you for granted. I always loved you."
He maybe did. And he once made her happy. And well, once-
"It's not enough."
She deserved more. She didn't have it in her to fight with him. He couldn't make up for what he did.
"Not anymore." She said.
Dean's shoulders stiffened. "Did you meet someone?"
"What?" Beth asked dumbfounded.
"Is that what this is about?"
Beth shook her head. "No."
"You sure?" Dean put his hands on the island's counter.
"No, there's no one else," she said, bewildered. Like that could be the only reason that she'd be doing this.
I'm not you, she thought. Though he never did leave for that did he?
"So what happens now?"
Beth slapped her thigh. "I don't know."
"Do you want me to move out?"
Beth didn't answer because she didn't have it. Not a full answer.
Dean coughed a laugh. "I can't believe I thought that things were getting better," He stepped back and leaned against the kitchen counter.
"We can figure this out for the kids, for now." She couldn't do this alone. Not right this moment and she couldn't pretend to. "Some routine for them. I can't do this alone. We can't do this alone."
Dean nodded.
"We're over," Beth met Dean's eyes and set her hand on the base of her glass. She watched Dean's breathe get caught in her throat.
"After everything it can't just end like this. I'd do anything to get us to where we were before."
Beth didn't answer with words. Dean's pained face made it clear he could read her expression.
It was lackluster, Beth thought as she lied in her bed, her arms over the covers. The darkened room waited quietly for her to close her eyes. She'd thought she'd feel a little more vindicated. Like it would feel like a victory and she wasn't sure why she'd thought that. When she and the girls watched movies and the protagonist had her moment where she'd confronted whoever, a lover, a boss, when she spoke her truth, it was clear. A clear cut, definitive transition. Dean was one floor above her bunking with Kenny and it wasn't clear when that would change. She declared things were over for them to patch things up but how much would her day to day actually change?
Her heart was a little lighter at least. If not more bitter. That's why she didn't like it. Didn't like to poke at festering wounds. She'd still need to see him. The money she was bringing in was never enough. It was barely enough to keep the mortgage payments. To hire a lawyer, to navigate custody – she'd have to make do with the situation. Dean would need to be on board for that but he loved his kids. Maybe he'd hope he could change her mind. But it was in her past. As much as it could with four kids.
Tomorrow she'd call Ruby, she'd let Annie know. It'd be a short conversation for sure but she wanted to let them know. A quick glance at the clock showed her the sun would be coming up sooner than later. She exhaled, replaying how it felt to say the words to her husband, holding on to the mixture of relief and hurt, and closed her eyes.
It was a successful event, and the hall was clearing out of people. This was the kind of night that Beth couldn't wait to celebrate with her kids or Ruby and Annie. When she wanted to ride the success with the people she did it for and with.
The space was clearing quickly and usually Beth would be one of the first to leave but this time her eyes went up to find Rio near the corner of the room, seeming almost hidden away. She'd noticed him halfway through the evening, chatting with some people. At first she was sure he didn't see her and her eyes lingered on him. She wasn't going to go up to him, too busy and not interested in dealing with him. He'd called her drama but he brought plenty of it himself.
But now, as the place was clearing, she motioned to Louis she'd be right over and picked up her steps to approach him, his eyes glued to his phone, leaning against a stack of chairs.
"A good night I think," She said with a smile.
"Yeah," Rio said, his eyes locked on the screen.
"I think my idea worked," Beth preened, unable to stop herself.
Rio slowly gazed up at her. He turned the cell phone in his hand matter of factly. "Guess so," He said.
Who was he texting, she heard an unfamiliar voice in her head. Was it-
"I didn't think you'd show. Rob said you were in Milwaukee today."
"Keeping tabs on me?" Rio said with a hint of a smile, then glanced at his cell phone. He was teasing her but she had to stop from getting flustered all the same.
Beth nodded at him. "Couldn't have you be the only one right?"
Rio nodded back and she'd caught him offguard with that. She wished it didn't please her so much.
"You know Rob shouldn't have let you run that, right?"
"I got it done, boss," Beth smiled sweetly, not liking the turn of the conversation.
Rio put his hands together and his screen flashed briefly. "You're getting greedy."
"I'm doubling your profits."
Rio laughed. "How would you know anything about the bottom line?"
"I make it my business." Beth leaned slightly, wanting to grab Rio's cell phone and throw it against the wall.
"So what, you want a medal or something?"
"Maybe," she said, her tone sounding more playful than she meant. Or maybe she felt like something had been taken off her chest. Felt lighter again. Much lighter, now that she was talking with him. She didn't like.
It didn't take her off her goal though. She wanted to do more. She wasn't doubling his profits. He knew that. But she was bringing in more money.
"This the part you remind me about your house and your kids?"
"No. If I'm bringing in more money I get more in return. I think it's fair."
Rio stepped up to her much too quickly but Beth just raised her eyes to meet him.
"Isn't your ride waiting for you?"
"What about your ride?" Beth snapped back, surprising herself, lowering her eyes to Rio's phone. At his expression her heart sank a little. He looked – revealed.
"When do I stop paying you back? It's been months since we've been on the boat."
"You counting?" Rio asked, starting to walk away from her.
"You know what happens when people aren't paid the way they should?"
Rio turned around, his eyes tired.
"If I don't see a return on what I bring you, maybe I don't feel like doing as good a work."
"Then you get paid less."
"So do you."
Rio bit the side of his lip considering her. "I'll think about it. OK?"
Beth nodded. It had to be steps with him and for tonight she'd take that.
Rio lingered in front of her. Louis was waiting for her and the night had tired her out. But neither seemed quite ready to leave. Beth thought of the person on the other side of Rio's phone, texting him. Whoever it was, the person was persistent.
She imagined what it'd be like to confess to him what she'd done. That she'd ended things with Dean. As ludicrous as the thought was because it's not because he'd care, not because it mattered he knew. But an invisible force pushed her, tried to untangle the cacophony of what was inside her to spill her mind.
"B, let's go!" Louis called out and Beth turned her head around. Louis had picked up the same nickname for her as her best friend was and she hadn't gotten quite used to it yet.
Rio's face had clouded over when Beth turned to look at him. "Have a good night," she said as Rio nodded at her.
It wouldn't matter if she'd tell him. She just wasn't yet ready to say good night, she thought, as her heels clicked on the floor.
"You know he's not gonna let you do your own thing," Rob said the next time she pitched a new idea.
"I'm not trying to do my own thing," Beth lied. Like she'd tell Rob anything. Sometimes she thought her plans at breaking – branching off were becoming a little less subtle than she thought. But she had to keep bringing up ideas. She had to look out for yourself.
Rob shook his head.
"He can't control me."
"Who says anything about control?" Rob asked then pursed his lips. "OK, yeah, guy likes control. Maybe he thinks you're a loose canon. First I thought it was about that. But it's not quite it, is it?"
Beth scoffed, annoyed. "He has to control everyone around him. Including you."
Rob gave her a knowing look.
"Don't look at me like that," Beth said, realizing too slowly what he was saying. "Whatever you're thinking about, that's not it."
"You sure?"
"Yes!" Beth said, her voice pitched a little too high. "Anyway, that's not a compliment. Not everyone wants to be controlled. What's so funny?" She exclaimed. Usually she wouldn't be thrown off her focus but Rob's posture seemed too amused by her reaction.
"What?" Beth asked again when Rob just laughed again.
"You know those people who don't want to be controlled? You know what a lot of them like?"
Beth shook her head and took her arms out.
"What do you do when you get a chance to run an event? What happens when someone changes something without asking you?"
"That depends-" Beth put her hand up. "And I just happen to know how some events run-"
Rob laughed again. "You mean, you like to be in control?"
Beth waved her hand. "That's completely different."
Rob shook his head. "You two deserve each other. And the answer is no because that's the same night we got Nate's delivery."
Ignoring Rob's comment or answer, Beth went on and argued her case. It was going to be a losing battle, she could see in Rob's face, but she'd put up a fight. Sometimes, sometimes, she could change his mind.
And it was better not to lose focus.
Jane's birthday called for a similar setup as Kenny's birthday party, as long ago as it was – both kids always enjoyed elaborate parties – except this time the theme was Alice in Wonderland. For the most part Dean was on his best behavior.
"How'd you make this happen?" He asked her, making a couple of remarks about money that she'd swiftly shut down. His words brought up the memory of his birthday promise to Kenny, without the backing to bring it together. Beth did – this time deciding she'd hold on to the cotton candy maker because she could. Dean took back his words and told her the party looked great and Beth thanked him before a parent and his son stepped in and their attention turned to them.
Preferring to keep her distance she observed him making conversation with the other parents and playing with the kids. Whatever happened he'd continue to be a part of the kids lives and of course she'd never want it any other way. What threw her off was that even she drew a line and they weren't together she wasn't sure how it changed how she saw him and she wasn't sure what to make of that. He could still make her laugh and he could still offer companionship, if platonic. But there was a tangible distance now that had been there before but not as pronounced.
The kids were having a blast and her chest swelled to watch Jane bow and re-enact a few of her favorite scenes from the book. She weaved through the crowd and ran her eyes over the snack table. Annie stood with a half open pretzel bag chatting with one of Jane's friends, Sadie on her side.
"Mind refilling that?" Beth asked, motioning towards the nearly empty pretzel bowl.
"Sure thing," Annie said and stuck her hand back in the bag. Gregg made a grab for it, the two started to playfully wrestle for it, a few moments later catching themselves.
Beth shook her head at the display. Lost cause, those two. "Remember to refill the chips too. Gregg," she specified and Annie made a face. Surveying the table, Beth grabbed the near empty lemonade pitcher.
Across the way Ruby was kicking a soccer ball back and forth with Sara and a few of the other kids, Stan chatting with one of the dads and looking on. Ruby called out to him, trying to show off with the ball and Stan shook his head with a laugh and motioned to the other dad to join too.
"Careful," Beth called out to a couple of kids chasing each other, nearly running into her on her way back to the house.
It being early spring Beth had been certain they'd have the party indoors but the unusually warm weather was perfect. She preferred the kids running around outdoors and the ** green leaves sheltered and welcomed the crowd below them. Jane loved it too, getting to spend the afternoon in the backyard like she'd wanted. In a month Beth may miss the comfort of her thick blankets but she enjoyed the freedom summer gave to her children. Having more motivation to get out of the house, to see their friends, though she still had to cap TV time for that really to work.
Would all her kids want to go to summer camp this summer, she wondered. In a few years Kenny would probably not be so into it – it was probably Danny who'd be the one who'd want to get back as a camp counselor. Her and Dean had talked about things like that. Where they could see their kids, what choices they'd make. They'd do that still. What would it be like if she was on her own for a few months – well, that wasn't for now.
She stepped into the kitchen and set the lemonade pitcher on the island. Where did she put the powder? Oh, it was right there. She added the water to it, mixing the two. Only ingredient missing was the ice cubes. She had meant to get the ice first but her mind went back to the new cash washing job she was going to suggest to Rob. Usually he was game for her suggestions, but this was important. It'd involve responsibilities she hadn't taken before. She wasn't ready for it but she'd be ready if he said yes. If one day she'd be her own boss she'd have to keep trying, keep fighting. She pulled the freezer open and grabbed the ice bag. It was a good idea to get one extra.
Beth wiped her hands on the hand towel when he strode into the kitchen. Like she had been expecting him. She took him in. A dark jacket and dark pants. His familiar clothing, easy aura, assuaged her concerns over why he was there even though she had no idea what he was doing in her house. It could've easily been a less than friendly visit, she told herself. She'd have to stay on her toes.
Rio dipped his head, his expression blank. They studied each other quietly as kids snaked around them, conversations sparking between them, and laughter drifted from the backyard.
"Door was -" She said, nearly jumping out of her skin. Not out of fear, she realized quickly, but of a genuine desire to touch him. Make sure he was real. Even if him standing in her kitchen didn't necessarily bring good news. Still, she'd missed him. Weeks had passed since that last time she saw him at the event. Maybe a month, and it only hurt now in the way it did when you wanted something but pushed it forcefully aside until it materialized in front of you.
"Open," he said.