TW at the end of the chapter.

Thank you to the lovely Guest who reviewed my last chapter. It really inspired me to get going again!

"I can't believe you're making me do this."

"Focus, Aud."

I shut my eyes forcefully, breathe through the wave of frustration rising in my chest. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Harry smiles at me from his desk, eyes glittering with amusement. "Meditation works. If you spend some time clearing your mind, it will be easier for you to think of a memory when we start again."

"You do this with you students?"

"Of course."

"And they actually do it?"

"Not everyone is allergic to being told what to do, you know."

"Ha ha."

The patronus was more difficult to conjure than I thought. After more than two hours of brainstorming, practice, frustration, and a few tears, this was it. Harry's master plan: muggle meditation.

"Clear your mind."

I grit my teeth. "How is this different to occlumency?"

"You use magic to help in occlumency." He pauses. "Snape tried to teach me it in my fifth year, you know. I couldn't do it, which I thought was because I was just bad at it. Turns out it what I was trying to practice was just meditation, not occlumency. He didn't explain what I was doing wrong."

"You can't block magic without magic," I murmur. "He was in your head. He knew exactly what you were doing wrong and didn't tell you."

"Yeah."

"Dickhead."

Harry laughs. "Right. Anyway come on, back to work."

I exhale, relax, and try not to think.

As soon as I start, it seems, we finish.

"Audrey." He's gentle, the quietest I've ever heard him.

It still startles me, eyes snapping open. It's like breaking the surface after a long time under water. I blink repeatedly, trying to bring myself back to work. "Woah. I did it."

He smiles widely, showing teeth. "What is the happiest moment of your life?"

Earlier, there had been so many memories: my first day at Hogwarts as a child, winning my first duel, kissing my first boyfriend, sitting at the staff table for the first time, the moment we won the war. But all of them seem to pale in comparison to the first thing on my mind when he asks me now.

"Oh," I murmur softly.

Harry tilts his head. "Is that a good 'oh?'"

I exhale deeply, shrug my shoulders. "The memory is strong, but I wouldn't say it's necessarily happy. But yeah, I think it's the one."

"Okay then." He stands up, myself following suit. He nudges me encouragingly as I rise my wand, drawing my attention. "Focus on it. Let it fill you up, that moment, then cast it. Okay? Take as long as you need."

I hold my wand tightly and remember. I remember it like it was yesterday, the relief, the joy, the tears. When I speak, my voice cracks. "Expecto Patronum."

There is no simple mist from my wand now. As soon as I cast the charm, the creature bursts from my wand like lightning.

I stare in complete disbelief as a mare, tall and beautiful, sprints around the office. It noses at the papers on the desk before approaching the two of us. It's so bright it hurts my eyes, but I don't close them for a moment.

When I reach out to touch it's nose, it evaporates out of existence.

Neither of us say anything for a long time.

"That was a very powerful patronus," Harry says suddenly, sounding baffled. "You've barely gotten more than mist for the whole session. Most people don't get to this stage for weeks. You don't need to tell me what memory you chose, but I can tell you this: I've never seen someone make progress that fast."

"I was looking for the wrong kind of memory," I say after a moment, quiet. Any louder and I am liable to break into pieces. "Happiness is a simple thing. But partnered with something stronger…" I trail off, thinking.

"The war?" He asks gently. "Lots of people I've spoken to about their patronus choose the moment they realised Voldemort was dead, or the moment they saw his body in the great hall."

"I tried that," I admit, taking the time to sink into the chair across from Harry's desk. "But no dice." I consider Harry for a moment. "Can I be honest with you?"

His brows furrow immediately, seriously. "Of course. Anything."

I am so hopelessly endeared that I can't fight a smile. "My parents and I went on the run at the end of my sixth year. A little before everyone else, but we wanted a head start. Mum worked at the ministry, so she could see the tides were turning. My Dad's a muggle. If we got caught…" I swallow that thought. "Somewhere in Wales, snatchers caught up to us. We got separated in the chase and I totally lost them. At one point I heard my Mum scream and my Dad shout, spells flying off everywhere, but it was clearly quite a distance away. I tried to find them, but I couldn't. It was so dark. I ended up just wandering for hours without a clue where I was going, or if it was already too late. I couldn't apparate either, so I just walked. I walked and walked for days, but I couldn't find them. I thought they were dead."

My chest heaves, jaw trembling, and Harry reaches out to hold my hand. I hold it back tightly.

"Eventually, I stopped. I was exhausted and they had all the supplies, so I was starving. I ate bark and moss, anything that looked non-poisonous. I tried apparating multiple times over the next couple of weeks, but had to stop when I splinched myself quite badly. Lost most of the skin on my left hand and forearm. I thought I was either going to die there, or be found by the snatchers and then die."

I can remember it, the hunger, so painful it was crippling. I clawed in the dirt like an animal, looking for anything that I could put in my stomach. I drank water from a dirty stream and vomited it all up more than once. But none of it was worse than thinking I was alone. I'd scream just to hear myself, to remember that I was alive.

I say none of this out loud.

"And then?" Harry prompts gently.

"I woke up one morning and there they were." It was as simple as that. "They'd been caught, but knew I'd not been. They escaped after a physical fight. Dad used to be a boxer. They knew I couldn't have gone far, so they just kept looking. I was so sick I couldn't move when they woke me up, but I'd never been so happy. So relieved. I cried for hours while Mum sorted out my arm. I'd felt so numb for so long it overwhelmed me." I can't quite look at Harry, even though I'm still holding his hand. "For a moment I thought I'd died. Even though I was wrong, I thought it was all over. I thought I was talking to my dead parents and I was so happy I couldn't feel anything else."

His eyes are a little wet, when I finally look up at him.

"I'm sorry," he says hoarsely. "That you had to go through that."

I shake my head, knowing what he's thinking. "It's not your fault Harry."

"I know. But all the same… I wish I'd been there. To help you through it."

My heart stutters in my chest and I smile a little. "You big softie."

He wipes at his eyes and stands up straight, clearing his throat. Finally, giving my hand one last squeeze, he lets go. "If you can, if you want, would you like to give it another go? Just to make sure you've got it?"

Harry's giving me a chance, I realise, to stop. To have a rest from the memory, without me having to say so. He's listened, clearly troubled by it, but given me his sympathy the chance to move on from it if I don't want to talk about it anymore with him.

I take him in for a moment, this lovely boy who's managed to make a home inside my chest, and think about it.

I stand up and raise my wand.

TW: Descriptions of extreme hunger. As someone who has had experience with not having enough money to eat for long periods of time, I know it can be extremely triggering to read and hear about. I also don't want to trigger someone who has an eating disorder.

Let me know what you think of this chapter. I hope everyone is safe and well :)