Author's Note: Started to write this chapter and was going to take a break, but then decided to say fuck it and finish it because I was really enjoying myself in writing Megumin. Hope y'all enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own KonoSuba or any of its characters.

Season 1, Chapter 2: Ha Ha Loli Go Boom!

Today's the day Aqua and I finally take on our first quest! According to Luna, the quest involved killing 5 giant toads in 3 days, and the payout was 100,000 Eris upon completion as well as an extra 5,000 Eris bonus per toad killed! Finally, I might be able to actually accomplish something!

And so, we hiked up to a hill overlooking a clearing. Two giant toads were visible in the field.

"Hey Aqua-sama, let me see your Adventurer's card for a second," I said.

"Okay," she said as she handed it over, "here you go!"

Let's see, does she have any skill that could help us?

Nature's Beauty: An interesting party trick that causes water to spring out from an unexpected part of the body!

Bitch! Why would you waste your valuable skill points on a fucking party trick? How the hell is this supposed to help in defeating the Giant Toads? Or even the Demon King for that matter?! Please tell me she actually has a decent skill.

God's Blow: A lethal fist powered by a Goddess's anger and sorrow. Anything it connects with will perish!

Wha-? What's this? An actual useful ability?

Hmm... my brain began to call upon my hours of gaming to figure out the best way to use this ability. I've got it! I'll just send Aqua charging towards the toads while using God's Blow! If she kills the toads, great! If she doesn't, well, hopefully the toad will be distracted long enough for me to kill it. It's a win-win situation! Well, for me at least.

"Hey Aqua-sama," I said while handing her card back to her, "I want you to know that I believe in you! Charge in there with God's Blow and vanquish those toads! You can do it! You're a goddess, after all!" I finished, putting on an encouraging face.

"Really? Well, ha! Yes! I am a goddess, after all! I'll show those toads who's the boss!" She exclaimed, now running down the hill.

Lol, this useless goddess was too ez.

"AHHHH!" Aqua yelled, charging, as she raised her right hand, "God's blow is a lethal fist that carries a Goddess's anger and sorrow! Anything it strikes will perish! Die!"

A golden light began to collect around her fist, and it grew bigger and bigger until it looked like Aqua was a flaming ball of death flying towards the toad! Holy shit! This might actually work! Aqua-sama! I was wrong! I'm sorry! You weren't useless after all!

Her flaming fist connected with the toad in a mighty bang! And then!

...Nothing?

The toad looked down at her. It didn't show any signs of damage whatsoever.

Why did I get my hopes up for this useless goddess?

"You know, now that I have a better look," Aqua began, looking up at the toad, "I think that you're pretty cute, you know?"

WHY ARE YOU FLIRTING WITH THE TOAD, DAMN IT! START RUNNING SO I CAN KILL IT, DUMBASS!

Before she could do anything, however, the toad bent down, and started to eat her!

"Aqua!" I yelled, charging down to meet the toad. As I approached it, it made no signs of noticing me or moving away. It seems like these toads were super vulnerable while they were eating something. I was able to dispatch it quickly with a slash to the chest.

A basic sword is more powerful than "God's Blow", huh? Fucking hell this world's game balance is bullshit.

Anyhow, I dragged Aqua out of the toads corpse, all covered in the toads slime. Gross!

"Kazuma-sama! You saved me! Thank you! Thank you Kazuma-san!" She said while crying.

I was trying to figure out how to convince her to use God's Blow to distract the remaining toad when she suddenly leapt up and started charging at it.

"It's okay Kazuma-san! This time it will work for sure!" She said with confidence, "GOD'S BLOW!"

Is this... is this what it means to have below-average intelligence?

You just saw what happened when you tried using God's Blow on a toad! What the fuck made you think that something different would happen this time?!

Welp, if everything repeats itself, then it would be another easy toad kill, so I can't complain.

And what do you know? She got eaten again.

As I pulled her out of another toad's corpse, she looked up at me with sad eyes.

"Kazuma-sama, I don't get it! It didn't work! Why didn't it work?!" She asked me while crying.

Probably because your intelligence is ass, I thought.

"It's okay, Aqua, we can try again some other time," I tried to say with a straight face, "let's head back to town for now."

KONOSUBA!

We were now sitting at a guild table again, Aqua having cleaned up at the bathhouse. We turned in the toad corpses and received our 10,000 Eris reward. As for dinner, we received a free plate of fried toad, which, surprisingly, was quite delicious.

"Say Kazuma-sama, why don't we try recruiting more members into our party?" Aqua asked.

What's this?! An actually good idea? You're still Aqua right? But that's impossible! Was this an impostor?!

"That's a good idea, Aqua-sama," I said as I looked at her suspiciously, "I'll go make a poster right now."

Hmm... what to write, what to write. I'm going to be honest, I've never played with a party before. After all, only one person can take the number on spot, not two. I racked my brain for ideas. Ah fuck it, I'll just wing it.

Beginning party seeking members! We currently have a wonderful Arch-Priest and a dude who can..." Uh, what can I do? Hmm... hmm...

...a dude who can show you how to have a good time! Yeah! That sounds good! Nothing sexual at all. Nope. Not at all. It's a perfectly reasonable statement to put on a recruitment poster.

Let's create beautiful memories together! If interested, seek out Satou Kazuma. And done! Looks pretty good, if I do say so myself.

I stuck up the poster and went back to Aqua.

"Say, Kazuma-sama. We earned some money today..." Aqua said, her hand reached across the table and she carefully placed it on my chest.

What the fuck was with that seductive tone? And what's with the hand? Could this be? Am I finally gonna graduate from Virgin University?! No wait! This is Aqua we're talking about! If I did it with her, I'll probably regret it for the rest of my life! No! Virgin shield, activate!

"Ah, yea... yeah we sure did, huh?" I couldn't help but stammer. It was a girl touching me, after all.

"Would you treat me to some beers?" She asked, still using that same tone.

That was all, huh? Thank god! If that was all she wanted, then sure, I guess. It's good to treat oneself sometimes.

"Yeah! Yeah sure," I said with a sigh of relief. "But just a couple, okay?"

"Kazuma-sama you're the best!"

One beer turned into two, two turned into four, and four turned into eight, and eight turned into sixteen, and...

Needless to say, even I got a little bit wasted. We burned through the quest reward like it was nothing. To make matters worse, after she had all those beers, she immediately threw them all up in the alley. Damn it, whatever! It was cool seeing the rainbow again, at least.

We stumbled our way back into the stable and crashed into our hay bed. Oh god, I'm never drinking alcohol again. I closed my eyes, preparing to sleep.

That night, I had a horrendous nightmare where Aqua became my lover.

Where the hell was my "exceptionally high luck", huh?! At least give me a good dream, damn it!

KONOSUBA!

I found myself and Aqua back at the guild the next day, looking to see if anyone wanted to join us.

"Say Aqua-sama, do you really think someone will join us?" I asked.

"Oh I don't know, but I'm sure that since we have an Arch-Priest, we're bound to attract some attention!" She happily replied.

"I mean, you did write a good recruitment poster right? You didn't put anything weird or sexual on there, did you?" She narrowed her eyes at me.

Ah...nope...I didn't put anything weird... not at all! What are you saying, Aqua-sama? Haha! Ha...

Before I could give a reply, someone behind me interrupted me.

"Are you Satou Kazuma? The one recruiting for his party? I'm interested." A tiny voice asked.

I turned around. The hell? There were lolis in this world? The person that spoke appeared to be a girl wearing a red wizard's robe and a red hat. She also had a red eye-patch on her left eye. You know, now that I looked at her more closely, she's actually pretty cute! A cute girl like this must have an equally cute name!

"Hey there," I began, "I am indeed Kazuma. What about you? What's your name?"

"My name is Megumin!" She declared proudly.

Forget what I said about her name being cute.

She continued, "My job is that of an Arch-Wizard! I command the powers of Explosion magic, the strongest offensive magic there is!"

"Really, huh? Show me your adventurer's card."

She handed it over.

Let's see, so it's true. She was actually an Arch-Wizard, and her magic and mana were exceptionally high. Even higher than Aqua's, in fact!

"Those red eyes... could you be a Crimson Demon?" Aqua asked.

"A Crimson Demon?" I said to Aqua.

"They are a race of high-class mages known for their exceptional magic and mana capabilities. I've heard that their spell usage is some of the best in this world!" Aqua replied.

"Why yes, I am indeed a Crimson Demon! My explosion magic is able to topple mountains and obliterate entire cities! It can also-" She stopped, suddenly pulling her hands to her stomach.

"Oi! What's wrong?" I asked with concern in my voice.

"I'm sorry," she began weakly, "I haven't had anything to eat in three days... do you have anything to eat?"

I immediately felt sorry for her. After all, I had been through something similar.

Back on Earth, when I started to become a tryhard gamer, my mom once starved me for 5 days, trying to get me to come out of my room. Of course, my iron will wasn't that easily broken! I don't remember this part well, but from what I heard, I had apparently been trying to eat my toilet, of all things.

She didn't try to starve me again after that day.

My train of thought was derailed by the Arch-Wizard speaking again.

"Please..." she begged.

"Of course! Of course!" I handed her the menu. "Here, order anything you like. It's on us."

"Kazuma-sama thank you!" She looked at me with those adoring eyes before quickly before opening the menu and looking through the options.

Was she already drooling? I chuckled.

Then I started thinking again. If this cute girl were to join my party, would something happen between us? She looks quite young...

"Hey Arch-Wizard! How old are you?"

Apparently her food had already come. She said in between bites, "I'm 13 right now Kazuma-sama, but I'll be 14 soon!"

OH SHIT!

I quickly pulled Aqua aside and whispered, "Hey Aqua, what's the age of consent in this world?"

Aqua looked at me with a questioningly glance, "It's 13. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, um, no reason."

I let out a sigh of relief. So she reached the age of consent, huh? Ha, you hear that? Take that, FBI!

"Thanks for the meal, Kazuma-sama. Now about me joining your party..." she whispered.

"Hmmm, I have an idea. Aqua and I are currently on a quest to kill 5 toads in 3 days. We're currently headed out to kill three more in order to finish the quest. Why don't you come along with us and show us what you can do? Think of it as a trial run, Arch-Wizard." I offered while extending my hand.

"Very well," she took my hand and shook it. "I'll come along, but please call me by my name!" She said with a adorable pout on her face.

Oh my god, she's cute. Is this what it means to have high luck?

KO*NO*SU*BA!

The three of us hiked back to the place where we killed the two toads yesterday. To my dismay, there was only one toad in sight. Oh well, we'll just have to kill two more tomorrow, no big deal.

"So Megumin, why don't you show us what you can do?" I said to her, encouragingly.

"Hmpt," she said, "Very well. I shall now show you the power of my explosion magic!"

She pointed her staff at the toad. "Step back, please."

I swear to god this better not be a fucking repeat of the God's Blow bullshit.

"Darkness blacker than black and darker than dark, I beseech thee, combine with my deep crimson. The time of awakening cometh. Justice, fallen upon the infallible boundary, appear now as an intangible distortions! I desire for my torrent of power a destructive force: a destructive force without equal! Return all creation to cinders, and come frome the abyss! EXPLOSION!"

What the fu-?! I was suddenly blinded by a tremendous flash of light, accompanied by a loud boom. When my senses came back, I looked at the toad. It was gone. Instead, there was a crater, 20 meters wide.

Holy shit. This girl is a walking mini-atomic bomb generator!

I want her to... no, I absolutely NEED her to join my party!

Suddenly, two other toads crawled out of the ground, presumably from the explosion's shock waves. They started leaping straight towards us!

"Kazuma-sama!" Aqua yelled, trembling. It looks like she got PTSD from her last encounter.

"It's okay Aqua! We have Megumin! Megumin, hurry, lets go to the top of that hill there and you can blast them again with Explosion!"

I turned to look at Megumin when I didn't hear a response.

Why the fuck was she face first planted into the ground?

"Megumin? This isn't funny." I warned her.

"Ah~~ Aha~~, Kazuma-san. Whenever I use my Explosion, it takes away all my mana, which leaves me unable to move until I can recover again. Please protect me, Kazuma-san." She said with a smile.

Why does it look like my luck is a literal fucking roller coaster? What kinda bullshit was this? A one-shot glass cannon? Those things were weak as fuck in my RPG games! As long as you survived one attack with a shield or potion, you beat them!

I don't want her...yes, I absolutely do NOT need her to join my party!

Before I could do anything, the two toads reached the two girls, and... chomp!

I pulled out my sword. This shit again, huh?

After I pulled them out of the toad corpses, we headed back towards town.

KONOSUBA!

Well, if there's at least one thing that was good today, it's that we ended up killing three toads, which meant that we completed the quest, and thus, was about to be rewarded 100,000 Eris.

We were all walking to the bathhouse since we were all covered in slime when I remembered that I needed to tell Megumin, who I was carrying on my back, to not use explosion anymore.

"Hey Megumin, listen, from now on, don't use explosion unless I tell you to, okay? That was way overkill for a toad! Just use some other spell from now on, okay?" I asked her.

"Ah, but I refuse!" She said. "I can't use any other spells other than Explosion!"

What the fuck?

"For real?" I asked.

"For real. Explosion is my one true love, and thus, I have dedicated all my skill points into this one spell!" Megumin said passionately.

I once again wanted to complain about this world's game balance, but then again how am I even surprised at this point?

I needed to find a way to tell Megumin to fuck off.

"Anyways, good work today ladies!" I started, "After we get cleaned up, let's go split our reward evenly and be on our ways, yeah?"

I could feel Megumin tensing up on my back when she heard those words.

She whispered into my ear, "Actually Kazuma-sama, I don't need a reward. Just let me stay with your party! All I ask is some food and some sundries every now and then."

She continued, "Yes, the power of a mighty Arch-Wizard can be yours for the mere price of food and sundries! What you do say? You have no choice but to form a lifelong contract with me!"

Ah shit. Looks like this wasn't gonna be easy. It's okay, though, for my quick talking will surely save me from this kid!

"No, no, no, no, no, Megumin, a power like yours would be completely wasted on a party like ours! I mean, I don't think me or Aqua is even past level 2 yet! It makes a lot more sense for you to join a stronger party!" I tried to reason with her.

"Kazuma-san, don't you think I've tried to join a stronger party?" She said sadly. "All of them kicked me out after they found out my secret!"

Well yeah no shit, only a dumbass would keep you in their party. I wonder if I can shake her off and then make a break for it with Aqua?

"No," shake, "I insist!" shake, "You deserve a better party than us!" Hard shake.

What the fuck was this iron grip?

"Kazuma-sama please don't abandon me!" She cried out.

"Oh my god look at those poor girls! Why are they covered in slime?" A person that was passing by remarked.

"What a beast of a man to make those girls do those horrible acts! And he's going to abandon the one he's carrying on his back? She looks so young... he's so horrible." Said another.

Shit boys this ain't looking good.

I looked at Megumin again. Seeing that she now had the attention of the people, a smirk grew on her face.

Oh fuck.

"Kazuma-daddy! You wouldn't abandon your favorite puppy after one mistake, would you?"

"Oh my gods! She's calling him daddy!"

"What kind of perverted man is he?"

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck, think brain think god damn it!

"Stop, it's not like tha-"

"Kazuma-daddy! If you go, I'll be all alone! I'll be barking all day waiting for you! Don't leave me all alone! Didn't you enjoy the slime act that I did for you? I'll do it again for you, Kazuma-daddy!"

"The slime act? Oh my!"

"Let's go little Billy, you shouldn't hear this," a mother said while covering her son's ears. "I'll never let you grow up to become a monster like that!"

I can't breathe, I can't think. I can't accept her into the party! I absolutely can't!

"STO-" I tried to say.

"KAZUMA-DADDY, if you didn't like the slime act, we can do other things! I'll even suck your dic-"

"OKAY! OKAY! I GET IT OKAY? SO STOP! STOP IT ALREADY!" I shoved my hand in front of her mouth before she could finish that sentence. "WELCOME TO THE PARTY, MEGUMIN!"

KONOSUBA!

I finished my bath sooner than the girls, so I went ahead and claimed the reward. 100,000 ($1,000) Eris, huh? I couldn't help but smile. Finally I was getting somewhere! I also went up 8 levels, which was surprising, but apparently you level up quickly in the beginning, which makes sense. I also gained some skill points, which Luna explained to me could be used to acquire abilities as long as I got someone to teach me.

My thoughts wondered back to Megumin. I can't believe she managed to force her way into the party like that. I guess that she managed to talk quicker than me, somehow. Did I not tryhard enough? Hmpt. Next time a weirdo comes along, I'll make sure to shut them down quick!

Speaking of new members, I should probably take down that recruitment poster. I'll find some other way to recruit people. I just don't want any more weirdos walking up, that's all.

I got up, preparing to walk over, when I heard a voice.

"Satou Kazuma?" A female voice asked.

I turned towards it. A beautiful blonde female knight stood in front of me. Oh my gods, she's totally my type!

"Hey, yes, I'm Kazuma. And you are?"

She leaned in so close to my damn face that I could feel her hot breath on my lips! Holy shit! Was this a dream? If so, I never want it to end!

"My name is Darkness," she started, a blush forming, "please let me join your p-p-p-party!"

My luck must be higher than cloud fucking nine right now!