Summary:

Triple H has not been feeling like himself recently. Stuff just accumulates. After his match against John Cena at Wrestlemania 22 he breaks down in the showers. His best friend and former lover finds him there.
It's our past that haunts us.

"What do you need, Hunt?"

He was tired and weak.
Weakness is a dangerous temptress.
"You."
-

Notes:

I really had to get this out of my system. There are just not enough Shawter Fics or written RPGs about them I swear!

I hope you enjoy this.

Should I choose to add another chapter the rating is going to change to probably mature or explicit. You have been warned.
Also: I'm no native speaker - tried to do my best though!

To live without

„You look like shit."

Hunters eyes opened. Why was anyone still here? Why him of all people?

"Go away Shawn." He sounded tired. God, he felt tired. The match against Cena had gone on for an eternity. At least that was what it had seemed like. Although it had been a Wrestlemania, although matches like that, in front of such a crowd, they usually never dragged. To Hunter, they had always felt almost out of time. Everything became so sharp out there, the scents, the cheers and boos of the crowd, dulled and amplified at the same time. All of his being was there in those moments. But not tonight.

Triple H closed his eyes again and leaned his head back, directing his face into the spray of the shower he was sitting under. Shawn would get the hint.

And yes, of course Shawn got the hint as his eyes slowly wandered over the form of his best friend sitting under the shower, still in his ring gear and bandages. At least he had taken his shoes of...

"If you want to get rid of me, you'll have to do better..." there was this trademark grin on his lips, playful, almost dirty but this time it did not reach his eyes.

If Shawn was honest he was worried about Hunter. Had been for quite some time now. His best friend looked differently, fought differently and just behaved off. Shawn hated it, it drove him crazy sometimes and still he had said nothing. Hunter was his best friend and for Shawns part he'd be that forever but...

"Shut it!" this time Hunters voice sounded sharp, the lines around his lips grew rigid. Couldn't Shawn see? Couldn't he get that – for once – Hunter was not up for their games? He was-...

His train of thought was stopped by a warm hand gently placed on his cheek. Again Hunters eyes flew open, this time not looking annoyed but surprised.

"Shawn the wate-"

"Shh!" Shawn simply put his index finger on his best friends lips, cutting off any more words. The Heart Break Kid was kneeling in front of the younger man, right before Hunters slightly spread legs.

"I don't care. I don't care that you don't want me here. I don't care that you obviously think you have something to hide from me and I sure as hell don't care about the fucking water!"

Shawns voice had gotten louder, worry but also some underlying fury lacing his words.

"I thought you didn't curse anymore."

Hunter had always had a quick mind and a sense for manipulative defence.

"Well if I did it's your fault if Jesus is angry at me now, so you better quit stalling and get to the point where you tell me what's wrong with you! This is not just about today. Don't you think I've noticed? Something's off!" Now Shawns words are low, almost a growl. There's a warning in them. And still his hand rests on Hunters cheek.

Hunter really wishes it didn't. To feel his best friends warmth right on his skin makes it worse.

And again he looks away. He seems to be developing some stupid pattern when it comes to that. Looking away, pretending things were not there, had not changed. But whom is he kidding? It's obvious. Just as it's obvious that he is adapting worse and worse.

And part of him... longs to say that out loud. How much it sucked. How crazy it drove him. How almost everything felt out of place. But he couldn't. Vince needed him. This business needed him. Steph needed him. Hell, even Shawn needed him to be who he was, so he lifted his hand, closed his fingers around the others wrist to pull away the hand from his face.

"Hunt... don't..." Shawn sounded almost sad.

And it killed Hunter. Not just she sadness but the way he said his name. He almost never did that these days. Not since his return. Not since Shawn had found a wife, a family, his happiness and god.

The younger man swallowed audibly, still lost for words but now also lacking the courage to pull the others hand away.

"God, Hunt..." now Shawn really sounded worried. Like he had somehow glimpsed some of the thoughts that coursed through the mind of the man before him and suddenly he got closer. Already completely soaked from the spray he inched closer, close enough to now kneel between Hunters legs. Not for one second taking his eyes off of his best friend, he brought his other hand up to Triple Hs face, cupped it carefully.

"Why don't you just talk to me?" Shawns voice had dropped to a whisper. Soft, calm and still so intense that it made Hunter shiver. "You have always been there for me. When you took the punishment for the curtain call. When I pumped myself so full of drugs I couldn't even get dressed by myself. Right up to when I came back and needed someone I could feel safe with in that ring. You have been there. On every single occasion. So stop pushing me away! Let me be there for you the way you have been there for me. Please..."

It made him tense, the muscles in his body, the fingers around Shawns wrist. To hear his best friend pleading with him to let him in. How could Hunter keep silent? How could he not?

Moments passed that turned into seconds. All the while the only sound spilling against the tiles being the rush of water. Shawn was patient. All he did was sit there, so close to the younger man, holding his face between his hands, looking at him intently but calm.

"I don't know if I can do this anymore."

When Hunter finally spoke his voice sounded tired.

And he was.

Tired from that match against Cena, Vince favourite new toy. A match, where the fans hat cheered him and booed John and where he still dutifully tapped out when the moment had arrived. For Vince. For the business.

It had felt wrong. Not because he had tapped for someone. Triple H knew how this game worked, knew they needed new stars. But the change of the product? Family friendly dead stupid jokes written into forced promos by writers that had not even stood in a ring once in their lifetime? An outlook on merch sales instead of TV ratings? A fucking rotating Heavy Weight Championship Belt?

To Hunter it felt false. It was harder and harder for himself to get into that ring and be the persona he had created, to be Triple fucking H, an identity that once had felt more real to him than his own name and history.

And still he had tapped to John Cena with his jeans shorts and sneakers and stupid sweat bands around his wrist... it was a result of all the changes that had happened, the point where Hunters road had let him to. At what point had he started to wonder if he was still on the right track? At what point had the things he missed started to hurt so much?

He looked back at Shawn after what felt like an eternity lost in thought. The man in front of him seemed to be willing to wait for him. He just kept looking at Hunter with those blue calm beautiful eyes.

"It doesn't feel like it used to anymore. I... Shawn I... I miss it! I miss-..."

He couldn't.

"What?" the Heart Break Kids voice, low while one thumb tenderly stroked over Hunters cheek "What is it...?"

"You."

The word broke from Hunters lips and now he closed both of his hands around Shawns wrists, pulling them away, trying to push the other away.

The older man though was not willing to comply. He pried his wrists away, trying to stop the other, trying to make him look back at him because again he had lost Hunters eye contact.

"But I am here! Listen to me!" Shawn had grabbed the other man by his shoulders, held tight onto the wet warm skin.

"I am here... I will always be here... I am your best friend Hunter."

There it was. The truth. Brilliant and sad in all its glory. Shawn was right. They were best friends. And Hunter loved him to the bottom of his heart, had done so for so many years now. From the moment on where he had been more to Shawn than the new rookie he and the Kliq got to play with.

And here they were. Shawn up on his knees, bent a little over Hunter just as if he wanted to make sure the younger man would not get away from him even if he tried.

Hunter below him. Trapped. In his tight grip. In the worry, the warmth, the questions in those blue eyes. And in the truth between them.

"That's not enough. It never was."

There it was, the truth. Or at least part of it. One of the things that ate at him in those hours between night and sunrise when you wake up without even realising it.

He hated it. Wanting Shawn, still, after all those years, after all they had been through. It was unfair. But still...

Still the older man held him, did not let go of him even though Hunter could clearly see the shock reflecting in the Heart Break Kids eyes. Whatever answer Shawn had been expecting, this had not been it. But he did not let go.

No, while something like resolve began to form in Shawns eyes, his grip grew even tighter.

"What do you need, Hunt?"

He was tired and weak.

Weakness is a dangerous temptress.

"You."

The next thing he felt were Shawns lips. His old lover that kissed him, kissed him, like not a day had passed, full of Self-confidence and affection and hunger.

And Hunter gave in. He returned the kiss, as if it was the one thing that could safe him from drowning. It felt like kissing Shawn had always felt. Real.

He drank it in, this feeling and this moment.

And then he pushed Shawn away. He pushed hard enough for Shawn to fall back on his ass, those blue eyes suddenly reflecting surprise and blooming hurt.

Hunter got up. He fled. From the showers and from Shawn. He only grabbed his bag, did not even bother to get the rest of his stuff that was strewn across the room. He would send someone tomorrow. He just needed to get away from Shawn and the feeling on his lips.

Because Triple H knew his best friend would do everything for him. Hunter had always been there whenever Shawn had needed him. He had cared for him, forgiven him and loved him.

But Shawn had found happiness. Not with him but with a wife, a family and god.

And fuck... Triple H would rather fake his whole life, his joy, his every breath before he risked that.

It had taken Hunter one kiss to remember how much Shawn meant to him and what he truly couldn't live without. Notes:

Anyone still here?
Sorry for any mistakes. I'm no native speaker. If anyone feels like they want to beta this - go for it. I will reward you with virtual muffins and a whole lot of gratitude.

Also, if anyone is interested and this pair keeps bugging me I will add another chapter with how this playes out. So in case you want to read that - let me know!