[EDITED] WARNING: Eluding to sexual content at the beginning. (This is most likely the last explicit chapter).

Enjoy!

New Life, Old Ideas

~Couple months later~

~Lilly's POV~

"Lillian!" I heard my mother yell from downstairs.

Raph stopped his movements reluctantly, sighing in frustration.

I groaned both in annoyance and agony at him stopping. "Fuck..." I whimpered, wiping the sweat from my forehead. The doctor told my mother to stay in bed for the rest of her pregnancy so she can't get anything herself. That's why I'm here. But Raph came over to hang out, which turned into...this.

"Where's Barry? Shouldn't he be here?" Raph grounded out in anger.

"Barry got called into work for an emergency meeting. I don't know when he'll be back." I panted.

"What about Ian?"

"Ian has spent the entire week at Christine's," I answered, looking down at where we were connected. "Oh man," We are in a predicament...

"Lillian!" My mother called again.

I grunted, "What?!"

"Come here!" She called.

I whined, but before I could even move an inch, Raph leaned over, putting all his weight on me by pinning my hands over my head. "Don't go, we were having so much fun."

I smiled, puckering my lips to let him know I wanted a kiss. He quickly did so. "We were." I sighed. "But my mother is pregnant, and she needs me, and no one else can help her but me." With that, he let my hands go.

"Fine, go." He said with a mischievous grin before finally pulling away and falling next to me.

I giggled, turning over to give him a little kiss. "Text your brothers you're not going home tonight." My fingers tentatively touched his lips. "I'll be right back."

"You better hurry," he ordered with a sly smirk.

I went over to grab my pajamas off of the ground before running over to the bathroom. I cleaned up in the bathroom, fixed my hair in the mirror, and put in my pajama bottoms and shirt before running downstairs to my mother's room. When I entered, my mom was out of bed and placing clothes into a duffel bag. "Mom, what are you doing out of bed?" I asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" She said. She took two takes at me before staring at me suspiciously. She gagged. "Oh gross, you were having sex!"

My forehead all the way down to my neck began to burn with embarrassment. "What? You're crazy!"

"Yeah, you did." She shoved her finger in my face. "You have that stupid lovey look in your eyes, your hair is a mess, and your skin is flushed."

"Because you were yelling for me, so I came running! You're going to give me a heart attack. Where are you going?" I snapped.

"How exactly do you have sex with..." she shook her head. "I don't wanna know."

"Mom!" I pushed. "Where are you going?"

"To New Jersey, I hear the property tax isn't as high over there as it is here." She said sarcastically. "Where the fuck do you think I'm going? To the hospital."

"Why?"

She frowned, "Because I'm trying to get drugs. Jesus Lillian, will you stop with the stupid questions? I'm fucking pregnant."

"Are you okay?" I asked, suddenly worried.

"Yeah, I'm fine. My water broke while I was in the middle of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, which by the way, has some pretty cute scenes, but kidnapping is not the way to win over the one you love." She rambled as she continued to pull clothes out of the dresser and put it into the duffel bags. I chalked it off to her, just being nervous.

"Are you in pain?"

"No, but I'm pregnant, so I'm uncomfortable. Go call Ian and tell him to meet us at the hospital. I'll call Barry." She said. "Go get dressed." She shooed me off.

This isn't what I pictured being in labor was like. I thought there would be more screaming and crying or something.

I walked upstairs and into my room, where Raph was just chilling on his phone. "Good news, Splinter said it's cool that I stay here. What did your mom want?"

I went over to my nightstand and grabbed my cellphone, dialing Ian's number.

"Lil' what's wrong?" Raph asked.

Ian answered after, like the fifth ring, "What Lillian?"

"Mom's ready," I said.

"Right now? Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'm going to change, and she's packing so we can go to the hospital. She's calling Barry right now." I explained to Ian.

Raph suddenly sat up.

"Ok ok, I'll meet you there. You need anything."

"I don't think so, but I'll text you if anything."

"Ok, bye."

"Bye." I set my phone down and went over to my dresser to pull out a fresh set of clothes.

"Is your mother okay?" Raph asked.

"Huh? Oh yeah, she's okay. Her water broke so we have to-"

"Her water broke!?" Raph jumped out of bed. "What-where...um uh, do you need me? I can call Donnie. Let me call Donnie. Wait, does she need water? I can get her water. Wait, do you need money? I have like a couple dollars in-"

I went up to him and shushed him by putting my hand on his cheek, "Raph," I cupped his face and kissed him. The way he was acting made my heart soar, I swear this man is making me fall in love with him all over again. Ugh! What the fuck, Raph? I'm a fucking teenager, why am I so in love with him? Jesus Christ... "I love you, but you need to chill."

"Why aren't you freaking out?" He asked, brushing my hair out of my face. "If you need to panic, fucking panic."

"I don't know," I said with a shrug. "My mother wasn't panicking, so I guess I don't really feel like I have to."

Raph frowned, "I don't like it when you close up like that. If you want to panic-"

"Baby, I don't want to panic because something beautiful is going to happen now. I'm going to be a sister." I told him with the biggest smile. "I'm too excited to panic."

He sighed at my reaction finally, seeming satisfied with my answer. He leaned in to give me a kiss, just a quick soft one when we heard something crash before my mother yelled out, "Lilly!"

My eyes widened, I walked out of my room. "Mom?" I asked. When I received no answer, I turned back at Raph, who had followed me. I then heard my mother yell in pain, which caused me to run down the stairs and into her room, Raphael right on my heels. "Mom?"

My mother was on the bed, moaning and clutching at the bedsheets. A picture frame on her nightstand was the crash that we heard. "Holy shit!" She cursed through gritted teeth. I immediately went to her, grabbing one of her hands. She latched on to it and squeezed the living shit out of it.

I winced, "Ow Mom," I yelped.

"Ow? OW?!" My mother snapped, squeezing my hand even harder. I'm biting my tongue from now on. My mom slowly began to breathe deeply, in through her mouth and out through her nose. I turned around when I heard the glass from the picture frame being moved. Raph was picking them up from the ground. "Oh holy shit," my mom said after about five minutes. "Why does it hurt so much right now? It's supposed to be gradual."

"Maybe the baby wants out now, mom," I said, when she finally let go of my hand I went to her bathroom and changed my clothes as fast as I could. When I came out of the bathroom, Raph was helping my mother out of the room. My eyes went to their hands, my mother had one hand on her stomach, and the other was holding on to his left hand, Raph's right hand was on my mother's lower back.

I forced myself not to smile and went over to grab the duffel bag, following the two out of my mother's room. Raph helped her to the living room, sitting her down on the couch. "Let me call a cab," I said, setting the duffel bag down before heading outside to wave down a taxi. Surprisingly enough, I stood out there for a while, waiting for a cab to pass by my house. What? Did they all decide to not work tonight?

Finally, after like five minutes of standing there, I waved a taxi down and told him to wait there.

Running back into the house, I grabbed the duffel bag and watched Raph help my mom up. "I'll text you when the baby is here," I told him as he handed me my mother, who was still breathing deeply.

Raph nodded, "Ok," was all he said.

I set down the bag once again, helping my mom down the steps of the house. The taxi driver saw my pregnant mother and immediately got out of the taxi to open the door and help her inside. I went back inside the house to retrieve the stupid bag that I had left on purpose to say goodbye to Raph.

"I'm really sorry we couldn't-"

Raph shook his head, "Shut up. Go deliver your sibling." He chuckled, cupping my face and giving me a kiss.

I smiled, kissing him once more for being so understanding and then finally exiting my house.

Hours later...

My mother threw her head back and screamed in pain, "Jesus! Fuck! Where is that nurse with the fucking drugs?!" She yelled.

"Mom, breathe."

"How the fuck am I talking if I'm not breathing!?" She yelled.

Ignoring her, I took the towel the nurse gave me and whipped the sweat off her brow. She's been like this for the past couple of hours. Contractions are getting closer and closer, and my mother is getting more agitated and loud. Between Ian, Christine and I, we've all called Barry more than a dozen times. No answer. He must be busy as fuck because he has always been able to answer, especially since my mother is supposed to be bedridden.

My mother took one deep breath before test her head back, "Oh God, I didn't have this much trouble with you. You took your sweet ass time."

I patted the last of her sweat, "How long was your labor with me?"

"I was in labor..." my mother let out a heavy breath, "14 or 15 hours..."

"It's been like three, and you're already tapping out?" I joked.

My mother glared at me, "Do you want to switch places with me?"

Ian came in with a small cup of water, handing it to my mother, who took it. "I tried calling Barry again, no answer. What meeting did he say he was going to again?"

I shook my head, "Something about the E.P.F, that's what's been taking up most of his time."

"Must be an important fucking meeting. He's missing the birth of his child." Ian said angrily

My mother handed me the cup, "Give him a break. The organization is new, and he's essential to it."

"Did you text him?" I asked Ian.

"Yes, told him we were at the hospital and that Ann was in labor."

My mother sighed, "His meetings last so long. He told me they're trying to get locations all across the country."

"But he's going to be in charge here, right?" I asked.

"I'm pretty sure. He's the commissioner, so I don't think they'll send him anywhere without swearing someone in to replace him."

Ian shook his head, "We'll worry about that another time. Right now we have to worry about-"

My mother suddenly let out a loud scream, throwing her head back in pain.

"-that." Ian finished.

A nurse suddenly ran into the room, coming over to my mother, checking underneath the blanket that covered her lower half. "Alright, you're almost there. Did you want-"

"Drugs?! Yes!" My mother yelled.

The nurse gave a little snicker before heading to a table next to the bed my mother was in. She typed in a code before pulling and a drawer and pulling out a huge needle.

I jumped up, "Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute. Let me leave before you do anything with that." I said before running out of the room.

Once I was out and at a reasonable distance so I wouldn't have to hear my mother yell or anything, I took my phone out and called Barry once again. On the third ring, I noticed a commotion coming from behind me. I turned around and saw Barry stomping down the hallway towards me, four men dressed in black walking beside him—they looked like the same men that showed up to the wedding. Oh great, don't tell me Barry is going to leave us again.

"Barry, where have you been?" I asked.

He came up to me and asked, "Where's your mother?" I pointed to the room I just came out of. He gave my forehead a kiss and then walked into that room.

Okay, whatever. Who are these dudes, and what am I supposed to do with them? Are they going to protect me? Or...no? The four guys did not enter the room. They, instead, stood outside and guarded the entrance.

I decided that I should just...walk back inside the room. The nurse is probably all done injecting my mom anyways...

"Uh, Barry...who are those guys?" I asked.

Barry was too busy wiping the sweat off of my mother's forehead to pay attention to me. My mother, however, looked at me with panicked eyes before looking back at Barry. "Guys? They're here?"

"Just for the time being." He answered.

Ian straightened, "Who's here?"

"Bodyguards. That's all they are." Barry said with a sigh. "Wherever you go, at least one will follow you."

"Ew, why?" I asked.

"Excuse me, I'm the woman's sister. If you don't let me in, you're going through that wall." I heard from behind me.

Ian immediately ran to the door, "She can come through. Let her through." He said, grabbing Christine's arm and pulling her into the room. Ian then slammed the door on the bodyguards before they could say anything.

"Who the fuck are those guys?" Chris snapped.

"There have been...a few threats on my family and me so everyone must have a bodyguard. We can't go anywhere without someone knowing."

"Threats? From who?"

Barry sighed, "It's just a precaution. It's happened before."

"Those guys came to the wedding, though," I said.

My mom's eyes widened, "You are not leaving me."

Barry shook her head, "Never. Especially not now. I made that extremely clear. They want me to hide. It's cheaper to hide. But I told them no."

"Who's them?" Ian asked.

"The FBI, the CIA, all those organizations. Don't worry about it." What the fuck? Don't worry about threats that apparently are so big they have to be taken to the FBI? Are you out of your mind?!

"Barry, why-" my mom began before she winced and let out a yelp of pain. Her hand went to Barry's shirt, squeezing it until her knuckles went white. Barry just watched, his eyes having almost as much pain as my mother's. "Oh holy fuck, this fucker better come out now, or I'm going to rip 'em out!" She yelled.

"Maybe I should get the nurse again," Ian offered. "Maybe you're ready."

"Go then!" My mother grounded out. "Why are you still here?"

Ian immediately left while we all just watched as my mother writhed in pain.

"At least it's not as bad now that I have the epidural." My mother groaned. "Oh, but Jesus, I feel the baby is coming too fast."

"Just hang on, Ann," Christine comforted, reaching her hand out and touching my mother's leg.

The nurse suddenly burst through the door and went over to my mother, lifting the blanket she was covered in to check.

Ian stopped in his track and paled, "Oh wow...that's-"

"Ian!" My mother yelled.

I went over to Ian, "What are..." I looked over at my mother and felt my blood turn cold. "Oh, Jesus, I don..." I felt my knees give out before Ian's arms came out to grab me before I fell to the ground.

"Easy, babe..." Ian said to me, picking me up and making sure I stood. "Don't pass out on us now. You're gonna go through this too."

Once I found my strength to stand, and my vision wasn't doubled or blurred, I shook my head. "Never..." I muttered.

"Of course you will," Ian said with a smile.

"Yeah, aren't you already active with that boyfriend of yours," Christine said.

My eyes widened before I glared at Chris, "Chris!"

Ian's smile immediately faded before his eyes began to glow with anger, "You...what?"

"Did he not know that?" Christine asked, before mouthing the word 'sorry' to me.

I groaned, "Jesus Christ..."

My mother let out another yell, soon after the nurse turned to us. "I need everyone out of here, only the father can stay, please. Baby's crowning, which means it's time to push, all of you can wait in the waiting room."

I went over to my mother and kissed her on the temple before giving Barry a hug and walking over to the door while Ian just glared at me with eyes full of rage the entire time, even as all three of us exited the room.

I am never going to hear the end of this.

Even more hours later...

There I was, sitting in the waiting room, it was at least 4 in the morning, I was staring at the wall pretending not to see Ian, who was still glaring at me. The bodyguards that Barry said would follow us were also in the waiting room, two of them at least, on opposite sides of the room. He told me all he needed to say to me, and I said nothing, I told him it was none of his business and boy did he like that.

I understand why he was pissed, I was his little girl, so I guess that's a reason, but something tells me it's more than just me being his little girl. Not only did he know I wasn't a virgin, he also knows about my previous boyfriend—the one before Raph, before even David. Ian knows, so there has to be another reason why he's acting like an ass.

I let out a sigh before I made the decision to glare back at him. "Can I help you?"

Ian let out a growl before crossing his arms over his chest like a big baby. "You are something else."

"I am? And what is that?" I asked.

Christine groaned, "Ian, grow the fuck up. You have sex, Ann has sex, it's a fucking normal thing to do. Hell, I got an early start at sex, I was younger than her."

Ian rolled his eyes, "That's not why I'm pissed."

"Then, why?" I asked. "Because Raphael isn't my first, and you knew that, so what's your reason, Ian?" I growled before standing up and facing him. "Is it because of who he is?"

Ian stayed silent, never breaking eye contact.

Christine looked at both of us, confused out of her mind before she gasped, "Ian..." she began, "Are you racist?"

Ian blinked, "What? No, I am not racist."

"So it is about what he is."

Ian stayed silent. I knew it!

"What is he?" Christine asked, looking at both of us. When none of us answered, she just sighed and sat back in her chair. "You guys are dumb,"

I just rolled my eyes and went to got sit back down, "Whatever, dude. I'm sick of this conversation."

Ian finally spoke, "You're throwing away your future. Imagine getting pregnant by that."

I said nothing. I figured that would be more effective than continuing this conversation.

Chris snickered to herself, "Dude. You think Lilly is the type of person to just be stupid and go off and get pregnant by some guy she's probably not going to stay with forever and ruin her life? Sorry Lilly, but that's the truth. Come on, you know her better than that. You raised her better than that."

I sat back in my chair and blinked, "Thanks...?"

Christ gave me a nod before nudging Ian, "This attitude you have towards her boyfriend, this anger about her having sex period, is the thing that's going to push her away from you. She'll eventually keep to herself, and she won't tell you shit because of you. So stop."

Ian began to shake his leg out of anger. He was slack-jawed glaring furiously at the woman he liked so much for making more sense then he was. She was right; the more you pull, the more I push away.

It was silent after that. I heard nothing except whatever was playing on the television from then on out. I was starting to get worried, just a little and only because I didn't know what was happening when it was happening. I'm sure nothing terrible is happening, and if it did, we're in a good hospital with the best doctors and nurses. My mother was in good hands, Barry made sure of that.

Barry suddenly walked into the waiting room, a bodyguard right behind him. He came over to me, dark circles forming around his tired eyes.

I stood up, just waiting with anticipation until I could no longer take the silence. I grabbed his hands and shook my head, "How is she?" I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

Barry's tired eyes and exhausted stare suddenly vanished and turned into the complete opposite. In fact, his eyes began to glisten with tears, and a smile began to form on his trembling lips. "He's here."

"He?" I asked before covering my mouth when I felt my lips trembled. I let out a breathy laugh before letting a tear fall. Barry opened his arms before he wrapped them around me.

"A beautiful baby boy." He cried, burying his face into my hair while I sobbed into his shirt.

A boy...

~Raph's POV~

"Mikey, I swear to god if you even lay a finger on anything without asking first, I'll make sure you are never able to lift your finger again." I threatened through gritted teeth before I knocked on Lilly's window.

"Ok ok, jeez..." Mikey said, his hands raised in surrender as I shoved my finger in his face.

As soon as Lilly and her family were home, she texted me to come over to see the baby. When I told everyone where I was going, it suddenly became a field trip, and I was the chaperone. April and Casey were already coming, both telling me that whenever I was going to go, they were too. Soon after that came Mikey, then Donnie, then surprisingly Leo. So the gangs all here. Cool...

"That threat goes for all of you," I growled at everyone.

Leo rolled his eyes, "Oh yeah, I'm going to pull a Mikey and break something."

Donnie scoffed, "Yeah, Raph, thanks for the vote of confidence."

"Why are we even being threatened? When have I or even Casey for that matter ever pulled a 'Mikey'?" April asked genuinely insulted.

Mikey crossed his arms over his chest and pouted, "Um, I'm right here!" He yelled.

I tapped on Lilly's window and waited there on the fire escape. After a while, she came out of the bathroom and opened it with a huge smile. "Hey, guys! Raph, you brought everyone!" She said happily.

I came in, sighing. "Yeah, sorry. I was only gonna bring Case and April, but...then everyone came along and...yeah..."

She shook her head before kissing my cheek. I couldn't help but notice how horrible she looked. I mean, she'll always look beautiful to me, but she just looked exhausted even through her smile. Her eyes were dark and puffy, her hair was up in a bun, she usually does that when she hasn't washed it, and the same clothes I left her in were the ones she was wearing. She's probably not had one minute of shut-eye. "No, I wanted everyone to come. Come in, come in! Come see the new edition to my family." She grinned happily, grabbing me by the hand and leading me downstairs.

While we were going to where ever we were going, I turned around and glared at Mikey one more time. He just groaned like a child in response.

Lillian pulled me into her parents' bedroom, where her mother was tucked into bed watching tv.

I held up my hand to stop everyone from coming in, which they all did and just watched as Lillian's mother turned and smiled at me. Her entire face looked so swollen, it looked like she had gain 30 pounds in the face, the poor woman. I went up to her, she held out her hand, and I took it. "Raphael, how are you doing?"

"How am I doing? How are you doing?" I chuckled. "You just gave birth, how are you feeling?"

"Like I just gave birth. The doctor said I should just rest as much as I can for the next day or so. Barry has a couple days off to help with the baby, so that's good."

"That's good," I looked around, seeing a crib in the far corner of the room. "Is it-"

Barry suddenly stepped out of the bathroom with a bundle in his arms, "Here, just warming up the milk." He said, shaking a bottle in his hand. Barry looked just as tired as Lilly did.

Lilly let go of me and went over to Barry, asking him for the bundle. He gentle gave it to her, the way she was cradling it as if she were its mother made me realize that she had the baby in her hands. Barry placed the bottle of milk in her hand before she was able to walk to me. "Go ahead and feed him, sweetheart."

She walked over to me, "Hold out your arms," she ordered softly, and I did. Ever so gently, she placed the baby in my arms, positioning my hand to cradle the baby's head while my other handheld it's head. "This is Anthony."

At first, I didn't really react, I just looked at this tiny...person in my arms. He had a head full of hair, he looked so much like Lillian it was crazy, almost like he was her little twin. I didn't know what to do but stare at his pink skin. Soon, he began to stir, then he opened his eyes. "Hey there, little guy," I whispered. He just stared at me, his eyes confused but bright with new life. "Lillian, he looks just like you."

She nodded, "He has my eyes," She said, softly grazing her finger across the little boy's forehead.

I sighed, suddenly feeling overwhelmed with emotion. I looked at Lillian and smiled, but I didn't feel happy. I was sad, sadder then I've ever been in my life. This is the closest thing to a child Lillian is ever going to have if she... I gently handed Anthony back to Lilly so she could feed him. I turned around, motioning for Mikey to come in before he bursted with anticipation. He immediately went over to Lilly, everyone followed, pushing me away from her.

I am really good at hiding my emotions. Everyone knows that. Everything I feel, I disguise it as anger. Lillian is the only person I'm comfortable to show all and every emotion around. I don't cry at all, but around her, I can just let go without a single thought. Now, I felt confused about what I was feeling on the inside and how I should show them. I felt my walls building once again.

I don't know why.

"Raphael..." I heard someone say.

I looked over and saw Ian standing in front of me. Before I could say anything, he motioned over to him. I walked over to him, slowly though... Something about him made me feel like I should observe him.

"We need to talk." He said, his voice flat, emotionless.

Staring into his eyes, I could see exactly what he wanted to talk about. I knew, and so I nodded. "We do."

Hours later…

"Isn't he precious?" Lilly asked as we both just stared at the sleeping plump of human in the crib. "He never cries, he's always sleeping and eating. All I want to do is protect him."

I watched her watchful eyes never leave the sleeping figure. I didn't say anything, I just watched her. This was a Lillian I've never met. Lillian had only looked at me with nothing but love and admiration, now it seemed like I had some competition. But for a different love. This type of passion Lillian was showing was the same type Ian had for Lillian, or Splinter had for us. This was maternal.

"Do you want children?" I asked her.

She looked at me and shook her head, "I don't think so." She looked back down at her brother. "He's okay for now."

"But later on?" I pressed.

She sighed, giving me a smile that said she knew why I was asking these questions. "Raph, I'm 17. I'm too young to think about having children now."

"Lilly," I said, grabbing her hands. "Are you sure you want to be with me?"

Lilly's eyes widened, she looked over at her sleeping mother before looking back at me. When I talked to Ian, he told me something I already knew, Lillian's future as a mother was over before it even began if she were to stay with me. Ian didn't want me to have a child with Lillian, and although I told him that I wasn't thinking about being a father right now, he was adamant about me not even trying for a baby. Lilly was more important, and her future shouldn't be jeopardized over some child who won't live a regular life because of who his father was. His words... Ian was relieved almost insultingly when I told him about Donnie running some tests and telling us that children were never going to happen.

Now all that was left is to find out whether Lillian wants to be a mother. And even though she's told me in the past that she doesn't want any children, there's still a part of me that afraid that if I don't end this now, she'll hate me in the future because I couldn't give her something she deserves to have. A chance to raise a child to be a better mom than she had. And I could never be a father to that child. Even if I did want one.

Lilly let out a breath of frustration, "Raph,"

"You know I can't give you that. And I know we're too young, but..." I cupped her face. "You have to know that now."

"Raph, I've always known..." she shook her head again. I knew she didn't like talking about it because she was scared to be a mother, especially a young one, but I needed her to make a decision, or I will. And she won't like the choice I'm gonna choose. Does she want to be with me even though she knows that she'd never be able to have a child with me? "I don't know why you're bringing this up now."

"I don't know, seeing you with your brother, how you look at him, how you treat him..." I sighed, that image of her is something I'm always going to enjoy seeing in my mind.

"Raph," she kissed my hands before wrapping her arms around me. She rested her head on my chest, my arms going to her waist. "A brother and a son are two different things. I'm happy with what I have right now."

"But in the future-"

She pulled away, giving me a glare. "Can we cross that bridge when we get to it? I don't want to have children now. I've already told you this."

She just doesn't get it. She'll never get it. But instead of continuing this conversation, I know it was just going to turn into an argument, I just sighed and nodded.

"Come on," she whispered, cupping my face. "We have some things we have to finish." She said with a small smile.

"What do you-oh wait," I tilted my head to the side, eyeing her with concern. "Aren't you tired? I mean, no offense, you don't look too good."

She frowned, "Gee, thanks."

"I'm just saying..."

"Well, excuse me. Not my fault, I have a hot boyfriend who I constantly want to jump on." She said, letting her arms fall back to her sides.

I couldn't help but smile, but instead of saying anything, I just kissed her gently before holding her tightly against my chest. The hug was long enough for me to stare at the sleeping child in the crib that was almost comedically big in comparison to the small child's size. I mentally told myself that I would do anything to keep him safe because if anything were to happen to him, Lillian would be crushed, and that's the last thing I want. But most importantly, and weirdly, I felt like this kid was apart of me, not just me but us...Lillian and I. I felt like his uncle... Lilly would probably laugh if she ever heard me say that.

Lillian pulled away from the hug, noticing my attention wasn't on her. "Do you want to stay and watch him?" She asked, resting her head on my shoulder.

I took a second before looking at Lilly, "Let's go,"

She looked so peaceful when she slept and was really tired too because as much as Lilly loved to talk, as soon as she got to the bed and passed out. Well, after about ten minutes of kissing, she was yawning and could barely keep her eyes open. Lillian didn't even have to tell me, I could tell immediately. All I did was roll over and watched as she tucked herself under her covers and fell asleep. I fell asleep soon after but I couldn't really sleep. I had too much on my mind.

I didn't want to break up with Lillian, but I would if it meant her having the best life she could possibly have. It's always been like that, from the beginning of this relationship, I was still willing to give up my happiness for Lillian's. The only difference is now I see how Lilly is with children. She was born to be a mother. It makes sense, I guess, she only had a mother for a short time. Lilly would want to be the mother she never had. And I get it, she has a point, we are too young to think about children, but if this relationship is long term, then the subject of children is something that we either talk about now or later, and by talk I mean break up.

Looking at Lillian right now, the last thing I want to do is leave her. I mean, I don't even want to leave the bed! I always want to be with her, I mean this girl makes me...think about marriage. I never want to leave her side, and if she weren't weird about it, I'd ask her to be with me forever. Now! Isn't that just insane? Ask her to marry me now, and she isn't even out of high school? Lillian would probably leave me before marrying me only because she's smart that way. She knows she has a future ahead of her, she doesn't need to be married; she doesn't want to. But all this love I have for her, everything I feel for her, after everything we've been through, I would still leave her if it meant she ever wanted to be a mother. It's the only way in my eyes. Lillian deserves a family, a child, a normal husband, a successful future before all of that first and foremost.

I can't give that to her.

I can't make her happy, and I want to. But she's with me, and that's too crazy to me.

I lean over and kiss her just above her brow before whispering, "I love you," to her. She just continued to softly snore away.

I slowly turned myself to the side before letting my legs drape over so I could sit up. I walked over to the door, looking back at Lilly's sleeping figure one last time and shook my head in utter disbelief. I went downstairs hoping a glass of water or milk or something may make me sleepy again.

When I walked into the kitchen, Barry was standing there, bottle feeding Anthony in his arms. He looked over at me and smiled, "What are you doing up? More importantly, what are you doing here?"

I snickered softly, no matter how many times I sleep here and wake up here, Barry always asks me that. "I couldn't sleep."

"Milk's in the fridge. Heat up a cup." He instructed. He was rocking back and forth slowly, shifting his stance from side to side.

"Did he wake you guys up?"

Barry shook his head, "Just me. Aniya has to deal with him all day, so a night, not even an earthquake would wake her." His voice was soft and hushed.

I sat that the island, resting my head on my hands. I just watched Barry as he fed his child with a tiny smile on his lips. "What's it feel like?"

He looked up at me and raised a brow, "I'm sorry?"

"To be a father, I mean. What does that feel like?" I asked again.

He sighed, looking back down at Anthony. "It's..." he looked back up at me and smiled. "A feeling I'd never thought I'd experience. I used to always think about Aniya, now all I think about is him. I'd do anything to keep him safe."

I let out a sigh, which made him tilt his head to the side. "Don't get any ideas now. Lillian is too young."

I chuckled, shaking my head. "I can't have children."

Barry nodded, "Okay," After a short time, he frowned, "Oh..."

I stood up, going over to him and held out my hands. "Can I?"

"Of course," Barry placed the small bundle into my arms carefully, making sure my hands were holding him right. "Support his neck and keep the bottle here." He said.

Anthony opened his eyes for a moment, staring at me with a bit of curiosity before shutting them and continuing to drink his milk. I let out a small chuckle, no scream, no cry, he just didn't care. "Is he drinking formula?"

Barry shook his head, "This is Aniya's milk." When I looked confused for a moment, he smiled, "Breast milk."

"Oh," that was a dumb question anyway. I looked back down at the baby as he began to slowly stop drinking his bottle.

Barry grabbed the bottle and set it down before he took the baby and placed him against my shoulder, "Now pat his back until he gives a little burp." He told me, "Don't be afraid, give him heavy enough taps."

I nodded, patting Anthony on the back for at least a minute before I heard a small burp escape his mouth. I gave a little chuckle before moving him back into my arms and rocking him back and forth until he finally fell asleep.

"So...the fact that you can't have children with Lillian is more of a problem than if you could?" Barry asked.

I looked up at him, sort of in shock that he knew before I even told him. Why am I surprised, the guy is a detective... I nodded.

"Have you told Lillian that it bothers you?"

I nodded, "She said she doesn't want children."

"Maybe not now, but she can't predict the future," Barry said softly.

"That's what I said. Lilly deserves to have a normal family. That's something I can't give her." I said quietly, I suddenly felt like maybe Barry wasn't the right person to talk to about this. This is Lillian's stepfather. It doesn't seem right.

Barry smiled a bit before he sighed, "Raphael," he said, coming over to me to gently rub a finger on his sleeping son's cheek. "I think Lillian is a lucky girl to have someone who cares about her as much as you do."

I smiled softly but said nothing. Everyone knows this, and I don't have to keep repeating how much I love Lillian. I looked down at Anthony, my heart sorta aching a bit when he nuzzled his face into my chest. "Mmm..." I sighed.

"Unfortunately," Barry sighed. "I think you're right." He said.

That felt like a punch in the gut, which made me wince in almost pain at his bluntness.

"Lillian is too young to know what she wants now. I think she deserves to figure that out first. Then, if she finally decides that it's you and only you that she wants, so be it." Barry said.

At that moment, I mentally cursed at myself. After all this talk about leaving her, it took Barry telling me that to make me realize...I don't want to do that. I don't. I don't. I don't...

Instead of getting emotional about it now, I did something I never do. I ignored him. Right now, looking at Anthony as he peacefully slept in my arms was enough to calm me down.

"Hmm..." Barry hummed to himself as he watched his son. "He's comfortable around you."

"It's weird," I said with a small chuckle.

I held him in my arms for a while before I forced myself to hand him back to his father. Barry gladly took Anthony into his arms, Anthony never stirred. After that, I told Barry goodnight and went back upstairs into Lilly's room. I still wasn't tired, and with the amount of thoughts I had running through my mind, I don't think I'll be able to sleep anytime soon. Maybe I should go...

I went over to Lillian's sleeping body and, once again, kissed her. She stirred for a moment but never woke up.

After that, it took all the strength I had to step away from her and exit out the window.

I just needed to think...

Yikes guys...