I know I said I wanted to finish this fanfic by the end of 2019, but I am going to finish this one soon. There are not that many chapters left to write. I just have to proofread them and we should be good but anyways... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Enjoy...

Song for this chapter - better off ~ Ariana Grande

Annoyance

~Weeks Later~

~Lilly's POV~

Bouncing with Tony in my hands, I hummed happily to myself. Tony was smiling his toothless grin as I grabbed his hand and playfully bobbed it to the beat of my song. He had just woken up from a nap, I changed his diaper and fed him and now I was just spending time with him. My mother was out somewhere...I didn't care to ask when she left she just told me she'd be back with dinner so maybe she went to get some.

That's how it's been the past couple of days.

Ian was barely here, I think the last time I saw him was at least five days ago. Though, he texts me every day to see if how I'm doing or how Tony is doing. Barry is also barely home, always working. I think my mother was going stir crazy just staying here doing nothing so she's been leaving and coming back with new toys or clothes for Tony. I've been left to take care of Tony for the most parts, like when my mom can't get him to stop crying or something like this where I'm just babysitting.

Since it's just us at home all the time, Raph has been coming over to keep me company. April too! She loves Tony and he loves her.

"What are you singing?" Raph asked, watching me sing to Tony with a peaceful smile on his face.

"I don't know, I'm just singing," I said, lifting Tony above my head before bringing him down to blow raspberries on his cheeks. "Oh my goodness you're getting so heavy!"

Raph got up from the table where he was watching us and came over to take Tony out of my hands. "Give me him it's my turn."

I reluctantly handed Tony over, rolling my eyes in mild annoyance. "You just had him."

Tony let out a happy screech, his hands already out towards Raph so he could grab him. "Looks like he's more excited about me than you, babe."

"That doesn't mean anything. You look weird, that why he likes you." I muttered bitterly.

Raph gasped, "Lilly." He looked at Tony and shook his head. "Did your sister just called me ugly?" He asked Tony. "She hurt my feelings. Did you hear her?" Tony smiled and gurgled, shoving his hand in his mouth. Raph nodded, "I know, right?" Tony leaned forward causing Raph to lean forward too until both their foreheads touched. Tony took his hand out of his mouth and touched Raph's cheek. "You're getting your slobber all over me kid!" He chuckled.

My heart fluttered at the sight of them together. The way Raph is with Tony, everyone can see how much he cares for him. My mother always asks Raph to get Tony's bottle, she taught him how to change his diapers and now she'll ask him to stay with him when she can't. He's babysat just as many times as I have, he's always with me. I'm trying to convince my mom to let me take Tony back to the lair but surprisingly both Raph and Barry said no. I think it has something to do with the sewer fumes.

I grabbed the small baby towel that I always had, and wiped Tony's hand before wiping Raph's cheek. "He drools so much." I wiped Tony's mouth. "Yes you do, my love."

"You think I look weird?" Raph asked me.

I couldn't help but smile, "Maybe."

"You're so mean. I'd never say that about you." Raph laughed. "Because then I'd be in trouble."

I chuckled, grabbing Raph's face with my hand and squeezed his cheeks before kissing him. "Yes, you would but you don't think I'm weird-looking."

Raph smiled, "I don't?"

"Wanna know how I know you don't?" I asked playfully.

I saw Raph's eyes flickered from being innocent to...not; how his eyes usually got when was horny. Almost immediately as that flame began, it went out. "Maybe we shouldn't do stuff like this in front of your brother." He muttered softly, looking back at Tony.

I frowned, rolling my eyes. I can't even flirt with him now! This is ridiculous.

Its been about a week and a half since Raph and I have been intimate in any way. We used to do it every fucking day then one day he told me he was tired so I said fine, then he used that excuse three times in a row. Eventually, I said, we don't have to have sex but he didn't even want foreplay or anything like that. I was fine with making out but I'm lucky if I even get a kiss. Now, if my partner doesn't want to have sex, that's fine by me. But there's something fucking wrong because this happened out of nowhere. He gives me this look then poof...gone.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid...maybe we should just talk. Maybe it's nothing he's just not in the mood at all...ever. That doesn't sound like Raph...

But whatever this can wait.

"Where did your mother say she was going again?" Raph asked, completely oblivious to the fact that I was annoyed.

I let out a deep breath before I opened my mouth. I didn't want to fight with him in front of Tony, I'll bring it up later. "Um…" I sighed. "She just left. She doesn't tell me anything other than she'll be back later."

"How much longer is later?" Raph asked, bouncing Tony gently in his arm.

I shrugged, "When I was a little girl, she used to do this. I'm sure she just hates being stuck inside a house not being able to go out or anything."

"Sounds more like she doesn't like the responsibility of being a mother," Raph stated.

"Well, I'm not worried. She has Barry."

"So?"

"Well, when she would do this kind of stuff, my father was already dead. One time she came back with John. Who is she gonna bring back?"

Raph shook his head, "As much as I love this kid, he is not my responsibility. He's not yours either. His parents should be here."

I crossed my arms over my chest, "Unfortunately, his father never stops working and his mother never matured."

"So why do you have to?"

I went over to Raph, taking Tony out of Raph's arms and into my own. "Look, I'm not saying you're wrong. I agree with you. But I told you that this was going to happen, even Ian knew."

"Does he know now?"

I rolled my eyes, "Honey, he has his own life now. He's never here. He's probably out there making a family of his own."

Raph sighed, taking his hand and running it alongside Tony's head. "You shouldn't have to take care of a baby now." He smiled, "Not that I don't like seeing you take care of a baby."

"I like seeing you taking care of Tony, too."

Raph smiled, though the look in his eyes made me feel like that wasn't the right thing to say. He looked uncomfortable, his hand almost immediately pulling away from Tony's head. Even Tony felt something change in him, his smile faded and he whined at Raph.

I looked over at Tony, kissing his temple. "Let's go play with your toys." I walked over into the living room, going over to Tony's little playpen filled with chewable night colored toys. Tony didn't hesitate to grab a bright yellow number 2 and shove it in his mouth. He probably has itchy gums.

After he was comfortable, I went back over to Raph. He was cleaning Tony's bottle in the sink. I sighed, "Raph,"

He turned around once he was done with cleaning the bottle.

"Are you okay?"

Cocking his head to the side, he smiled confusingly. "Yeah...why wouldn't I be?"

"Well," I crossed my arms over my chest, standing with my most of weight placed one leg. "You've seemed off for a while and I just want to know why?"

Raph narrowed his eyes in confusion, "Off? In what way?"

"Well, at first I didn't think anything of it because you were telling me you were just tired. But now I'm starting to think I did something because now, I can't even flirt with you without noticing a change in your behavior. I mean now you don't even flirt back." I explained, annoyed by the fact Raphael was just rolling his eyes the entire time I spoke.

"Lillian, I don't know what you're talking about. Nothing is wrong." He said as if he was trying to stop the conversation.

He began to walk away from me but when he got near me I held out my arm to stop him. "Then how come you haven't fucked me?" I spat. I didn't want this to be a fight but I would turn it into that if that's what he wanted.

His eyes widened for a moment before he pointed at Tony, "Your brother is right there."

"Raph, he's barely a month. What is he going to say?" What is he going to even understand?

When that excuse didn't seem to work for him he shook his head, "I don't want to have this conversation right now."

"If not now, when?"

Raph stared at me like he made a mistake or something. I was so confused by the fact that he looked apologetic and angry at the same time. Like I caught him in a lie and the truth was only going to hurt more. But what the hell could be the truth? "Lillian, I don't think-"

Just before he was about to finish his sentence, we both heard the front door lock jingle before my mother came through the door with multiple bags in her hands. She smiled at both of us before shutting the door and reaching out an arm, "Raphael, could you?"

Raph nodded and walked over to grabbed the bags out of her hand. "Where did you go?" Raph asked softly.

I went over to grab the other bags out of my mom's hand, "Where have you been?"

"Out and about, you know... I went to get some food, you may want to heat it though, I did go shopping afterward." My mother explained happily.

I scoffed, "Mom, this is the third day you've done this. Next time, take Anthony."

My mother placed a hand on her hip and frowned, "What you don't want to take care of your baby brother?"

"Did I say that?" I snapped. "He's your child. You're not about to abandon him like you did me. His father is always at work and you're here just as much as he is. Raph and I can't be his parents."

My mother sighed, waving my anger away. "You're so dramatic. I went shopping for three days straight. I have to do something so I don't go crazy cooped up in here."

I slammed the bags on the counter in a sudden fit of anger, "Then take care of your fucking son! You are his mother! You have to make sacrifices, I don't!" I yelled, glaring at my mother. After, I stomped my way upstairs and into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me.

~Raph's POV~

Both of us watched Lillian stomp her way to her room like a child. Her mother flinched when Lillian slammed the door behind her. I just sighed, setting the bags down on the couch and going over to pick up Tony who began to cry.

"Did you guys fight, is that why she's so pissed?" Lillian's mom asked me. I walked over to her, bouncing Tony in my arms. She quickly took him away from me. "Hi, my precious baby."

"No, she's been like that with me too."

"Maybe she's the one who's pregnant." She joked, walking over to the kitchen to unpack the food she got. It looked like Chinese take out.

I chuckled nervously, scratching the back of my head, "I can't have children."

"Maybe that's why she's upset then. Baby fever and what not..."

I froze for a second... hearing Lillian's mother say my exact fear makes me feel sick to my stomach. "Yeah..."

"So, how was he today?" She asked, taking a small napkin and wiping the tears from Tony's cheeks before kissing his nose.

"He was great." I went up and grabbed a box full of noodles.

"They're all the same so just grab two and go take to Lilly. Get her to calm down." She instructed.

"You're probably right," I said slowly, grabbing two boxes. "You know, Tony's a special kid."

She smiled, "I know." She kissed his cheek. "I love him so much."

I didn't say anything. I bite my tongue around Lillian's mother. I wanted to tell her 'babysitting once in a while is okay but not every day' but I don't know what will set her off and I wasn't in the mood to fight with everyone. Lilly has all the right to be pissed at her mother for leaving without telling anyone where she's going and then coming back whenever she felt like it. She's robbing Lillian of whatever youth she has left. Lillian shouldn't have to choose between her brother and her youth. It's fucked up.

"I'm going to take these upstairs," I said softly.

"Okay. Thanks for watching him again!" She said, bouncing Tony happily in her arms.

"No problem." I loved the little guy. I did. A lot. But I don't want to be his father. That's not my job. So I'm on Lillian's side whenever she says she doesn't have to take care of her brother. She doesn't. She's not his mother. She takes care of him because that's her brother, but she shouldn't have to.

I got up to Lillian's room, hold both small boxes in one hand so I could knock on the door before opening it with the other. Lillian was pacing back and forth in front of her bed. "She brought Chinese."

Lillian stopped pacing to glare at me, hand on her hip, her face flushed with anger. Uh-oh, here it comes. Before I could ask her what's wrong, she began to walk straight towards me. I thought she was going to snatch the food out of my hand, but instead, she grabbed my face and slammed her mouth on mine.

My eyes went wide, what the heck was I supposed to do with the food? There's no table nearby to set it down. I awkwardly wrapped an arm around her waist, minding the box of food that I wanted to eat. Of course, I kissed back but I didn't know what to do or what prompted this. What was more confusing was the fact that I cared about what prompted this! What the fuck is wrong with me!? I think Lillian could tell that I wasn't really into the kiss because when she pulled away the look of hurt on her face was something I hadn't seen before. When she looked up at me, I suddenly lost my voice.

Her eyes seemed so sad, it broke my heart to look at her. Her lips were parted like she was trying to say something. I know she's been wanting to be physical in some way, any way we could...but...I just can't with her and...

I finally found my breath and cleared my throat, "What was that for?"

She sighed sadly, resting her hand on her forehead before she walked away from me. "What did I do, Raph?"

I chuckled, "You kissed me." I held out the box of food to her. "Here, eat something-"

"No, Raphael. What did I do?" She asked again, her voice raised a little this time. She turned around, grunted at the box, "I'm not hungry."

"You haven't done anything, babe."

"You're lying!"

"I'm not lying."

"You don't even want to kiss me."

"I do! I just did!"

"You didn't!"

I narrowed my eyes both in anger and utter confusion, I looked around as if I was transported to another dimension or maybe she's playing a prank on me or something! "Did you not just kiss me like two seconds ago?"

"Yes, I kissed you. You didn't kiss me back. You haven't kissed me, I mean my God! You haven't even fucking touched me in over a week and we were fucking like every day. Now I can't even flirt with you without some fucking excuse-"

I scoffed, "Lillian, we've gone longer than a week without sleeping with each other."

"We had a reason! We were away from each other! Now, even though you're always right next to me it's always like you're a million miles away." She stopped. Placing both hands on her hips, her lip trembling in what looked like fear, she sighed. "Are you losing interest in us?"

Her voice seemed to grab ahold of my heart and squeeze until it burst, "Lilly, that is ridiculous."

"Is it?"

"Yes!" I nervously laughed, going up to her and awkwardly wrapping my arms around her while still holding the boxes of food in my hands! "I am not losing anything. I just..." I sighed, really using all of my power to not confess to her why...she's right. I have been distant. I have. I know it. But I was an idiot to think being physically intimate would be the one thing Lilly wouldn't notice if I'd stop.

She waited for me to continue, her arms coming up and around my neck, desperately urging me to continue. "What?"

I held my breath, if I let it out I'll tell her. "Fuck...Lil' I just..."

"Tell me what's wrong? You always talk to me."

I sighed, resting my forehead against hers. "You...don't deserve me," I whispered.

"What?" Lilly whispered back.

I shut my eyes, sighing once again. "Lilly, you..." I pulled away from her forehead. "You just have to be with someone who can give you everything you need. And you need to be a mother. Maybe not soon, but you have to... I see it, you know, I see it when you're with Tony. I see the look in your eyes and everyone is always telling me how you should be able to have a little kid of your own and I will never be able to give you that."

At first, Lillian rolled her eyes. She's sick of this conversation, I get it. But she just doesn't get it. "Raph,"

"Every time we're together, I keep thinking... There's no fear, you know? There's none of that 'holy shit I forgot to pull out' or those scares all those couples on tv get. No, that will never happen to us. Another constant reminder that..." I shook my head. "I'll never be normal. And you'll always be missing something."

"I'm missing you, you idiot." She chuckled.

I smiled, letting my head hang. Damn, this is why I didn't want to talk about it. I knew I was going to let my emotions get the best of me. "You should at least have a choice."

"I already chose." She told me with a smile, before leaning in to kiss me softly then hugged me.

"Lilly," I chuckled. "You know you're still in high school. You can't possibly choose to not have kids now."

Lilly pulled away from the hug, scoffing as she sat down. "It sounds like you are making my choice instead of me."

"I'm not making anything."

"It sounds like if I don't have a child with you, you'd leave."

"That's not it-"

"Do you want to break up?"

"Of course not."

"So we're both happy together. What more do you want?" She asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

"I want..." she doesn't get it. She'll never get it. She wants to be with me, and that's the only thing that should matter. There's this voice in the back of my head that is telling me to keep her, never let her go, but then there's a voice that sounds like Leo's, telling me I'm selfish to think I'll ever be enough for her. I won't be. Right now, that voice is winning. And I'm doing everything I can to push that voice down. "Your mother, Barry, and Ian all have told me-"

Lilly suddenly stood up, "Ian talked to you again? Goddamnit, Raphael! Again?"

"Lillian, it's nothing like last time. Calm down."

"No, I won't. You went behind my back!"

"I did not!" I yelled which seemed to stop Lillian before she said anything else. "Ian told me something about knowing that we sleep together and wanted to talk about the chance of getting you pregnant. When I told him I can't have children be said...'grass-ias a dee-os' I don't know-"

"It means 'thank God'." Lilly huffed. "He's so fucking annoying."

"Yeah, well whatever." I rolled my eyes. "Barry also talked to me and he thinks the same thing I do."

"Which is?" I was silent at first, her tone stopping me from continuing because I just knew she was going to take it the wrong way. "Hello?"

I sighed, "That I should let you decided whether or not you want children."

"No. I don't want any. There, can we stop-"

"Later on in life. When you're with someone else and-"

"Someone else?" After a moment of silence, Lilly sat back down on the bed. Her eyes moving back and forth like her mind was going so fast she couldn't keep up. "Are you breaking up with me?"

"No, I-"

"But you agreed with him."

I kneeled in front of her, putting my hand on her lap. I cursed when I forgot completely about the box of food, which I just placed both on the floor. "Lil', this may not be a big deal for you. You may see it as something stupid."

"Yes, I do."

I sighed, "But this isn't. I'm not going to be the reason your life is incomplete. And every time we're together, there is something in the back of my mind that says, 'you can pretend all you want but you're always going to be a freak, you'll never be enough for her.'"

Lillian was angry, I could see the fire in her eyes and how much she wanted to yell at me and get it through my head that she was okay where she was at. But when she heard my voice tremble with emotion, all that anger disappeared. She sighed, before cupping my face, "Raph, you know how much I love you."

I grabbed her wrists and nodded, "I know. But if your life is better without me and whatever complications I bring to it, I'm willing to leave you."

"But my life wouldn't be the same without you in it." She said.

I chuckled, hearing her say those words made me feel even more like shit. Instead of being a bitch about it, I quickly grabbed her, wrapping my arms around her frame and pulling her down towards me. She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed my cheek. I hated having to constantly search for reassurance in her love, but even if she were to give that to me every day, it still wouldn't be enough to convince me that she wasn't better off without me.

Lillian pulled away from me for a moment to give me a sweet kiss, "You mean the world to me." She whispered. "I have never said that to another person. Raph, look at me." She squeezed my face and forced me to look at her. "You mean the world to me and without you, I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, even if we ever break up, I'd still need you in my life."

"Lilly, please-"

"I'm serious."

"I know you are that's the worse part." She hurting me, she's reaching for my heart and squeezing it once again. "I can't live without you. I'll never stop loving you. But it's better if you just move on-"

She shook her head and shushed me, "I can't. I won't."

"You can. I know you. I've seen you...not just with other guys and how you are after them. I've seen you dance and sing, and I know you're going to go far with that. And even if you didn't want to have a career in that, you're so fucking smart you could be anything you want to be. I'd do nothing but hold you back."

Lilly shook her head, she knew I was right though. "I don't want to talk about this, okay. I don't want to talk about us breaking up or about me having kids, I just..." she swallowed her emotions before continuing. "I just want you."

I ran my thumb across her cheek, staring into her golden eyes that were filled with emotion. I remember Donnie telling me something like a person's pupils dilates when they look at the person they love and seeing her eyes the way they were, I couldn't help my smile. My hand brought her face closer to mine, so I was able to place a kiss on her soft lips. Yeah, I was really lucky.

But I also was really stupid...

~Lilly's POV~

Days later...

"So how have you been?" April asked, waking me up from my daydream-like state. "You've been in and out like that with me."

April called to hang out, for some reason it was a big fucking deal. My mother acted as if I smacked her in the face when I told her April and I were going to grab a cup of coffee. She had plans and I was selfish for planning without even telling her. She didn't know what to do with Tony. How about fucking take care of him.

I sighed, "I have a lot on my mind."

"Like what?" April said with a small smile. "You're ruining our date." She joked.

I snickered, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't know this was a date."

"Only if you want it to be." She reached across the table and held out her hand so I could take it. "I haven't seen you in so long because you're always taking care of your brother and I wanted to catch up before school started. Lord knows if we'll have time to catch up about anything, with this being our last year and all."

I nodded, "I heard they're opening the schools back up."

"Yeah, in a couple of weeks. I'm already excited for graduation." She smiled like a little giddy child.

"I don't know... I'm worried about my brother. My mother seems to have less and less motivation on taking care of him." I sighed, rubbing my forehead. "I feel like that's the only thing I'm going to be worried about until Tony can take care of himself."

April frowned, "You're doing the exact thing you said you weren't going to do."

"I can't just leave him."

"You won't. The only reason why your mom always leaves him with you is that she knows you're her back up. If anything happens, she can just leave Tony with you."

I nodded, "Coming here to see you...oh my god it was like the world was going to end."

"She's making you feel bad for hanging out with your friends instead of taking care of your brother which is something she should do." April rolled her eyes. "Manipulation."

"I know but—"

"No 'but', don't feel bad for something that is not your job."

She was right. Every time I complained about her not being there she'd tell me I'm overreacting. It wasn't like she was never home, but it's getting to that point. That terrifies me, as much as I love my mother, the thought of Tony growing up to resent her, I didn't want that. Not at all. I sighed, knowing April was going to pry even more. I want to tell her because I know she's going to ask but I don't want to talk about anything else.

"You know I'm going to ask."

I sighed, "What I want to know is why do you know?" I asked.

"Because all he does is mope. You know Raph, if he's mad about one thing he's mad about everything."

I shook my head, damnit Raph. So much for the long conversation, we had a while ago. I told him I didn't want to continue talking about it. But him and his big mouth had no fear in constantly bringing it up after that. I began to shake my leg in anger, "He keeps bringing up this stupid fucking thing. Children..."

"He wants children."

I shrugged, shaking my head. "I don't know. Ever since Tony was born he's been constantly reminding me that he can't give me that. He says I have to be a mom, it's going to happen one way or another and he can't give me that."

"Why does that make you mad?"

"Because..." I sighed, feeling my emotions overflow seemingly out of nowhere. "I think he wants to break up because of it." After I heard myself say that, it was almost like it made it real. I covered my face when I felt tears threatened to fall. I didn't want to talk about this because I knew I'd cry and I'm supposed to be happy when I hang out with April.

"Lilly..." April said sympathetically.

I shook my head, sniffing as I wiped the tears from my eyes. "Don't. I don't want your sympathy."

April's eyes turned even more sympathetic, but she was insulted I could tell. "Lillian, you've been there for me for everything. I'm not giving you sympathy, I'm letting you know I'm here for you."

I sighed, wiping my tears away as they fell one by one. Even though I was crying, I was still trying to keep a straight face. I didn't want to break down in this coffee shop, I gotta wait until I get home.

April leaned forward, "Lilly, I'm sure it's bothering him as much as it's bothering you."

I laughed, "Of course you'd be on his side."

April sat back in her chair, "I'm on no one's side. No one wins if you two break up."

That word being said again made even more tears fall from my eyes. "Goddamnit." I cursed, I couldn't seem to get my emotions under control.

"Lilly, please talk to me..."

I swallowed as hard as I could, taking in a deep breath so I could calm my nerves enough to talk in a steady tone. I shook my head, "If I talk about it, I'll become real." I wiped my tears once again but what's the point.

"If you don't talk about it, it'll hurt you more."

Resting my chin in my hands, I stared out the window. "Nothing is going right, right now. My mom is constantly on my ass when I try to do something like this. Then she's not home when I am. I'm being a mother to my little brother. Barry spends as much time at home as my mom. I don't see Ian anymore and now Raph, who I thought what the only secure thing in my life, is constantly talking about leaving me and I just..." I shook my head. "I don't know what to do."

"Lilly, break up or no break-up, you will always have the guys. And you'll always have me." She said with a small comforting smile. "Don't throw your life away to take care of a kid that isn't yours."

My eyes widened at the harshness of her words.

"I'm sorry, but it's true. Tony is your brother, not your son. I know you love Ian for raising you-"

"And then leaving." I scoffed.

April frowned, "And then leaving, but don't be him. You are 17. You don't need to take care of a kid. You have more important things to focus on." She tapped on the table to get me to look at her. "As much as you love him, Raph is not one of them. Your school is."

I nodded, "I know I know...but like..." I shook my head. "I want to be with him. That's enough for me."

"For the moment." April defended. See, it sounds like Raph talked to her and she's on his side. Or like she understands why he's leaving like it's a valid fucking reason. It's not! I'm hurting damnit! "What about later in life when you two are settled. You have a career, what will he be doing?"

"We can always adopt."

April moved her head to the side, "So you do want children?"

"I..." I sighed, suddenly feeling like I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar. "I don't know..." I felt myself grow more frustrated now more than ever. "I don't know. I don't fucking know. But you said it yourself, I have more things to worry about than kids. I'm still basically a kid myself."

"I know what I said but Lillian, this is what Raph is talking about-"

"You talked to him about this?" I suddenly snapped.

April was caught off guard at my tone, crossing her arms over her chest. "Am I not allowed?"

"You don't think it's weird for my boyfriend to go to you, my best friend, to complain about me?"

"Lilly, he wasn't complaining he was just saying-"

"He was telling you about a private conversation he and I had."

April rolled her eyes, "You tell me stuff about him all the time. It's no big deal."

"It's fucking different!"

"Why because he's a guy?"

"He's my boyfriend."

"He was our friend first." I shut my mouth, really wanting to pop off and be irrational but I would never force Raph to not talk to April. That's one of her brothers, they're family first. But I hate it when I'm a topic of conversation and I can't be there to tell everyone to shut up. "Lilly, Raph doesn't want to wait and wait and wait just for you to say 'I want a family' because you know he can't give you that. He wants you to grow up and figure out what you want and if you realize he is what you want, then you guys should be together."

I shook my head, "I don't want to leave him." I laughed angrily. "I have never thought about leaving him. Even when he pisses me the fuck off..." With my hand, I wiped my nose and face. "One time I threatened to break up with him because he was keeping things from me. Looking back, I don't know if I meant it. I can't see my life without..." I sighed again, I don't want to break down but I don't know what else to do.

I know she was trying to be comforting, but when April leaned forward and smiled a sympathetic smile, it made me beyond angry. "Maybe it's for the best."

She wanted honesty, she was going to get it. This sudden bubbling feeling of anger suddenly fell into a calm one—being calm and angry is never a good combination. "Why are you encouraging this? I know you don't understand why we were together in the first place but are you happy?"

April blinked, "I..." she shook her head frantically. "I'm not trying to come off that way."

"Well, you are." I leaned forward to show her the amount of emotion I had inside me just waiting to be released. April is my best friend, she can read me pretty well, almost like she psychic. "I hate to put all the credit on him, but I was broken before Raph. He fixed me only to do...this? To break me again? And you're encouraging he leave? Taking his side?"

"I am not. You both are my best friends. Seeing how much you two love each other makes me incredibly happy." She started at the table for a minute before she shrugged. "It also makes me a bit jealous because no one has ever liked me like that and...I would like that connection you guys have."

"I feel like everyone is okay with us not being together. You, my mother, Barry, Ian...Raph. Don't I get a fucking say in any of this? Throughout this entire relationship, Raph has treated me like a damsel in distress, like I can't take care of myself. Now he's making decisions for me, he's doing this shit because he thinks it'll be better for me but it seems like he doesn't care at all that it's killing me."

I don't know why I was trying to convince April that Raph leaving me wouldn't be good for me. I'm trying to convince everyone it's seemed like! Why? I don't know. But she saw the pain in my eyes. I could tell in her eyes that she could see, they were wide and glossed over seemingly affected by my own emotions.

April nodded after a long pause, "Lilly, you love him. I never doubted that. No one has."

"No, you know why?" I interrupted. "Because before Raph everyone knew I was just a sad girl with a sad background and then he came into the picture and suddenly...none of that mattered ."

"No one is doubting your love for him."

"It sounds like no one is taking that into consideration."

"Lillian, we all get it. But you are romantically involved with someone who is not and can not give you what anybody else can."

"That's another thing-why does everyone act like I didn't know that when I first got with him?"

April shook her head, "I don't know." She shrugged and sighed. "But you're right. You knew beforehand so…it shouldn't be a problem."

"Right." So this conversation shouldn't even be a thing. Raph should get over it and just…be with me. Why is that such a big deal?

"Have you ever stopped to think that maybe…it's Raph that wants a child?"

For some reason, I knew that question was going to pop up… Raph and I have never talked about kids. Marriage was barely a subject anyone of us brought up because it was something I never really thought was necessary and once Raph found that out he didn't bring it up. Kids weren't even a thought until Anthony was born. Both of us make a pretty good team taking care of him, and Raph adores him so much… Why haven't I thought about that? "No…" I sighed.

April sat back in her chair, "But there is one thing that I don't understand if that's the case." She scratched her head in thought. "I don't see how breaking up with you will help with that."

"Exactly it makes no sense."

"Maybe he thinks you're better off without him." She sighed. "Could be the same reason Donnie hasn't made a move or anything..." she said so softly I almost missed it.

Wait, the subject was changing and I was fine with that but...wait a minute. "Huh?"

"Maybe Raph could just be doing that thing where he wants you to break up with him so that it will hurt less..." April suggested, quickly changing the subject.

I narrowed my eyes a bit as to how she could just pretend like she didn't say that. "April..."

She slanted her head slightly, waiting for me to continue.

"Did you not just hear what you said?"

"Um...Raph may just be trying-"

"Not that." Although that is a good reason, and I need to remind myself about bringing that up with him. He should not play that fucking game with me. If he wants to break up then he needs to tell me not annoy me so much to the point where I want to leave him. "The part about Donnie making a move."

April's eyes widened for a moment, her cheeks turning pink. "I said that out loud?" She held a hand to her forehead, "Oh no..."

I bit the inside of my cheek, "Well if it annoys you that that's the reason he hasn't tried anything, you know how annoyed I am because I already know Raph's 'dangerous' yet I still chose him over everything and it's still not enough."

When April finally decided to remove her hand and show her face, she was still bright pink. "Well, yes, I get your frustration. I don't want you guys to break up. I just want you guys to be okay. I'm trying to understand both sides, because as much as you hate it," April sighed. "Raph being dangerous is a valid reason to break up. You wanting a child and him not being able to provide is a valid reason to break up. I mean, divorces happen because of stuff like this."

I shook my head, "There has to be other options than breaking up. I'm not going to be in an on-again-off-again relationship."

"Well, what if he realizes he's made a mistake and begs you to go back with him?"

"Those relationships are more stressful than anything. 'Are we breaking up today? Are we getting back together tomorrow? How long is this going to last now? What's going to cause this breakup?' I can't do that to myself, if Raph wants to break up that's it."

"Maybe that's why! Because he knows you're like this so he's pushing your buttons to the point of no return."

That's stupid. "He's not that stupid..."

April's eyes widened in doubt, "I don't know..."

I shook my head, "Goddamnit, guys are so dumb!" I groaned.

"You guys need to talk."

We did need to. I hate to even think this but this is a make or break situation at this point and to be completely honest, I don't know if I have the most confidence in this relationship. I'm sad all the time, and it's always the same conversation and I'm tired of it.

"I'm sorry but I don't want to talk about it anymore."

April nodded, "We don't have to."

"I wanna talk about Donnie."

"No. Absolutely not." She said sternly.

Oh, how the tables have turned...

Eeeyikes! Poor Lilly is in for it... Yeah, prepare yourself for the next few chapters. It's gonna be rough. R&R, thanks for sticking with me throughout this process I started this Fanfic 5 years ago, it's time to end it lmao. Love yall