Chapter 11.
Harvey sat silently beside Mike's bed. Mike wasn't saying anything either and Harvey didn't want to push him, if he didn't want to talk, he didn't have to. The feeling in the room was tense though and Harvey didn't know what Mike wanted. Did he want to be left alone? He had declined earlier when Harvey had asked. But now he felt like Mike was stonewalling him. The police had left about an hour ago now, and the situation was still the same. It felt a bit tense between them. That wasn't Mike's fault though. Mike had been through hell.
Mike was laying on his side with his arms in front of him, staring out into the room. He kept his gaze locked at the same spot. Harvey couldn't help but wondering what he was thinking about.
"Aren't you tired?" He eventually asked. Mike slowly turned his head towards him and they locked eyes. Mike looked tired and sad, maybe even scared. Harvey wished he could take that away.
"I don't want to sleep Harvey." Mike's voice shook a bit.
"Why not? You look pretty tired."
Mike looked away again. His eyes started to get shiny and he squirmed a bit. He pressed his lips together.
"Please." He whispered then. Just that, it was all he said. Harvey felt himself tense, he nodded.
"You don't have to sleep, Mike. Not if you don't want to, I'm just saying that you can."
Mike didn't answer. He didn't know what to say. He hated himself for acting like this. It all just sucked. He did want to sleep, it was just that he was too scared to do so. He wasn't going to tell Harvey that though. He felt like he was about to cry again. Why did he feel like that? Why couldn't he get to feel better? Normal. Why couldn't Harvey do something? He wanted Harvey to make it better. He just didn't know how.
"You are not hungry anymore right?" Harvey asked next. Mike just shook his head.
"Okay." Harvey nodded a bit to himself. "Is it anything that I can do for you then?"
Mike didn't answer for a long time.
"I… I don't want to be here alone." Mike quietly said without meeting Harvey's eyes.
"You're not." Harvey said. "You're not here alone Mike."
"Yeah I know. Now, but…"
"Oh…" Harvey said, understanding. "Look Mike, I was thinking that after they let you out of here you could come and stay with me for a few days. If you want."
"I can?"
"Of course."
"Yeah, okay. Thanks."
Harvey nodded. "I'm not leaving here without you, okay."
"Okay." Mike weakly smiled at Harvey. He knew that Harvey was trying to comfort him right now. It was working, he felt more relaxed. It was at same time hard because he knew Harvey would never treat him like this under normal circumstances. He was thankful though. This wasn't normal circumstances. He was at the hospital because he had been kidnapped, that was far from normal. And the truth was that he didn't want to go home by himself after this. He appreciated what Harvey was doing.
Mike was able to sleep some after that conversation. Harvey stayed in the room with him the entire time just like he had said he would. He watched how Mike finally started to relax and his eyes fall close. It was unnerving to see how unsure Mike was, nervous and anxious. Harvey didn't blame him for that at all. It was understandable, especially now when he knew everything Mike had been through. Harvey had a hard time getting the images from Mike's story out of his head. Mike had been through hell these last few days. It almost hurt physically in him to think about it. That his young associate had to go through that because of him. He was at fault; it was no getting away from that. He would do all he could now to help.
Mike was woken up about an hour later by a nurse that came to change his bandages. Harvey stayed in the room and watched how to do it, so that he would be able to help Mike with it later. Mike looked away from his arms while the nurse was tending to them. When it was time for the wound along his neck, he was even more uncomfortable. He was slightly shaking when the nurse had him lay down and look up so that she could reach. Harvey tried to small talk with him, but Mike didn't really answer.
A doctor came by a little later examined Mike and then told them that Mike was good to go home. That was good news. It was a relief that the younger man only had to stay at the hospital for one night and that he hadn't been hurt worse than that. It was enough though, the fact that he had needed medical attention at all was devastating.
"But what should I wear?" Mike looked down at the hospital gown he was wearing. "I can't leave in this!"
"I'll have Donna get you something. Don't worry." Harvey did his best in trying to calm him. He could see that Mike was upset. He didn't know entirely why, it was just clothes, something that was easily fixed. Mike nodded now though, so Harvey quickly made a phone call to Donna who said that she would take care of the clothing situation. An hour later she walked into the room with a bag of clothes.
"Thank you, Donna." Mike said as she handed him the bag. She had bought him a whole new outfit. Everything looked to be in his size.
"Do you need some help getting dressed?" Donna asked.
"What? Eh… No, I can do it."
"Good. Harvey and I will wait outside for you then."
Mike felt the unease return full force as they started to head for the door. Harvey must have seen it on him.
"We'll be just outside the door, kid. Don't worry." He said. Mike just nodded and looked down. Why was he feeling like this? He got dressed as quickly as he could. He stood up on shaky legs to do it. He had to hold on to the bed at first because it felt like they weren't going to carry him. They did though, even though they felt weird. He sat down again.
"Harvey?"
Harvey and Donna had been waiting just outside the door as they both had told Mike. Donna asked about how Mike had been doing since she last saw him the same morning. He told her a little about what Mike had said he had been through and that he thought that Mike was scared.
"Of course, he is. After that." She looked down. "We need to help him."
"We will, Donna. I'm taking him to my place."
"That's good, Harvey."
Mike called his name then, so they went back into the room. Mike was now sitting fully dressed on the bed.
"Everything fit!" Donna exclaimed.
"I don't know." Mike mumbled and pulled a little at the shirt he was wearing. It must be at least two sizes too big for him, but Harvey guessed why Donna had bought it like that. It was large enough to accommodate the bandages around his wrists.
"Are you ready to go?" Harvey asked.
"Yeah." Mike slowly stood up.
"Just wait a bit while I check with the nurse about your discharge." Donna said and disappeared. Mike just stood there looking unsure.
"Sit down again." Harvey told him. He felt worried that the kid was going to fall.
Fifteen minutes later they were cleared to leave, and Donna took Mike under the arm and led him through the corridors. She was talking to him the entire time and Harvey was glad for that.
They all took a cab to Harvey's place. Mike was uncharacteristically quiet and mostly nodded or shook his head at Donna's questions. She pretended that it was normal.
"Are you okay?" Harvey asked as he held the car door opened for Mike as he stepped out of the cab. Mike didn't meet his eyes as he nodded.
"Alright, let's go upstairs." Harvey patted Mike's shoulder a bit and waited until the younger man started walking towards the building. Donna came with them up as well.
Mike stopped in the hallway after Harvey held up the door for him and Donna. He didn't know what to do next, or where to go. He felt anxious and confused.
"Mike? Why don't you go and sit down?" Harvey said. Mike walked further into the condo. He didn't know where Harvey wanted him to sit, so yet again he just stood there. He felt stupid now.
"Come sit on the couch with me." Donna told him. He was grateful to her for doing that. He sat down next to her. He didn't know what to say. Harvey was doing something om the kitchen. Mike wished he could act normal, but at the moment he just didn't know how. He looked down.
"How are you doing?" Donna asked. Mike just shrugged. He flinched when she touched his arm and she pulled her hand away.
"I'm sorry." She said.
"It's okay." He got out. He felt totally pathetic and awkward. Donna and Harvey must think he was weird.
"I heated up some food." Harvey called form the kitchen. "Anyone interested?"
Mike certainly was. He ate a lot more than he normally would have, he took more even though he was full. It was just that he could.
Dinner was actually pretty nice. He was able to forget what had happened for a moment. Donna and Harvey managed to draw him into a conversation about some stupid office thing. Mike corrected Harvey on a law and Harvey laughed then. Mike laughed too, for the first time in days.
But then it was over. The food was gone, and Donna was heading home. It was getting late they said. Mike crashed. That was what it felt like, everything turned downhill so much faster than he could deal with. He didn't want her to go. He didn't want this dinner to end because then things would go back to being the day after his kidnappers released him. He was at once filled with images of what had happened.
He followed Donna to the door. He wanted to ask her to stay but couldn't come up with a way to do it. Besides she wouldn't stay anyway. Why would she? He was fine now. He wasn't being held on a concrete floor, bound to his hands and feet.
"I'll see you tomorrow again Mike." Donna said as she leaned forward to hug him. He hugged her back hard. He didn't want to let go. The memories would eat him alive then. He could feel how she stroked his back. Tears came to his eyes. Why did she have to leave? He brushed them away before letting go.
"I'll see you soon, okay." Donna said and stroked his arm.
"Okay." He whispered. She closed the door while he was still standing there next to it. He couldn't bring himself to move. He wanted to open the door again and call her back.
"Mike?"
Harvey felt heavy at heart when he saw Mike just standing there by the closed door. He wondered what the younger man was thinking. He jerked when he said his name. Mike turned around to look at him. His lips were trembling.
"I didn't want her to go." He said.
Harvey kind of wanted to hug him, instead he nodded. "You'll see her tomorrow again." He walked back to the living room. He was going to get the couch ready for Mike to sleep on. Mike didn't follow him though. He still wasn't there when Harvey came back with bedsheets. He went back to the hallway. The sight that met him made him nervous and uneasy.
Mike was sitting on the floor next to the door with his knees drawn up.
"Mike, kid. Come on." Harvey said as gently as he could as he approached him. Mike looked up at him with shiny eyes.
"Yeah, okay." He mumbled. He moaned a little when he clumsily got on his feet. He rejected Harvey's outstretched hand.
"Are you in pain? You got some pain killers, right?"
"I'm just sore."
"Take them anyway."
"Okay."
Harvey watched him from the side as they made their way to the living room. He didn't know what was going on in Mike's mind. It was nothing good though.
"Why don't you sit down. I'll get them for you."
Mike did what he was told. Harvey got him a glass of water and two pills. He watched Mike take them without a word.
"I have some clothes for you to sleep in." Harvey said as he arranged the bedsheets. "You can go and change if you want." Mike did so.
Harvey was finished when he came back. Mike didn't look at him and just stopped beside the couch. He looked pretty bad. He had a t-shirt on now and his bandages around his arms were visible, the bruises on his face stood out sharply.
"Mike, we need to change the dressings." Harvey said.
"No, it's fine." Mike didn't look at him.
"They said to change it twice a day Mike. I'll help you."
Mike looked at him with wide eyes, and Harvey's stomach clenched. He didn't want to force Mike to do anything he didn't want, but this was for his benefit. Those wounds could get infected, more than they already were. Harvey got the supplies needed and placed them on the table and mentioned for Mike to sit next to him. Mike did without a word. He swallowed hard and stiffly put his arms in front of Harvey.
"Don't worry. I'll be gentle."
"Okay." Mike whispered and looked away while Harvey started to remove the old bindings. Mike hissed as he removed the last part.
The wounds on his arms looked pretty awful. As gently and quickly as he could he cleaned them, applied some cream to a few places and then started to wrap new bandages around Mike's arms. It was first when he let go of the first arm and took hold of the second that he noticed that Mike's arms were shaking. He hastily looked up at Mike and let go of his arm when he saw his face. Mike had his eyes transfixed on his arm on the table, but what shocked Harvey though was the tears that streamed from his eyes. He stayed so still though that Harvey suspected that he wasn't even aware of that he was crying.
Harvey didn't know what to do. He felt so sorry for Mike at this moment. And he felt guilty. He was responsible for Mike being in this situation, for being so hurt. He took a hold of Mike's hand instead and squeezed it a bit.
"Mike? Mike?"
The man jerked now and looked up at him. He removed his hand from Harvey's and wiped his eyes.
"Shit." He mumbled.
"You need to take a break?" Harvey asked him.
"Ehm… I… are you done?" Mike said.
"No, not yet." Harvey didn't point out that he only had done one wrist.
"Oh. Right." Mike now noticed it and Harvey saw that he had blushed. "Sorry. I'm sorry." He placed the unfinished arm back on the table.
"Don't apologize Mike. Tell me what's going on with you."
"Going on? What do you mean?"
Harvey pursed his lips. "It's obviously difficult for you, Mike. Tell me what it is so that I can help."
"It's nothing." Mike looked down again.
"Mike."
"It just reminds me of being tied up. That's all."
"Oh, shit."
"It's nothing. You can continue Harvey."
"Are you sure?"
"No, but I don't have a choice, do I?"
Mike did have a point. He couldn't go to bed without anything around the wounds on his arm. So, Harvey wrapped it as well. Mike was trembling by the time he was done. None of them mentioned it.
"There is the wound on your throat as well." Harvey said.
Mike shuttered. "Tomorrow." He said.
"Okay." Harvey agreed. He had to, he couldn't put Mike through more of this, not now. He squeezed Mike's shoulder as he stood up to put the supplies away. Mike jerked back from his touch.
Mike followed Harvey with his eyes as the older man walked over to the kitchen, opened the trash can, turned to the sink. He had just made a complete fool of himself. He had sort of lost it, but it had been so hard. All he wanted to do the entire time was to just scream out loud and rip his hands away from Harvey. It felt like what Harvey had been doing was ten times worse than it should feel, like his senses were heightened. Like when Harvey wrapped his wrist, he was really binding him with hot, iron chains. He know of course that it wasn't the case, but it was so damn hard to convince his body of it. He had to really force himself to stay still and not rip his arms away from Harvey. Doing that took up so much of his mental concentration that he couldn't stop the tears that appeared in his eyes. It took to much effort to focus on both. He felt totally pathetic though when Harvey noticed it. He was crying for nothing. He was so relieved when it was finished that if he had been alone he would have cried some more. But now he wasn't, so he just clenched his teeth together and tried to force it away.
"I've set up the couch for you." Harvey said, totally unnecessary. Mike could see that it was ready for him. He nodded though.
"Thanks." He said. He walked over to the couch and sat down on it. Harvey was just standing there. Things felt so weird and wrong. He didn't want to sleep, but he couldn't say that to Harvey. He wasn't some child. He did feel like one though. For a moment he just wished that he was one. Then he could have asked Harvey to stay.
He wasn't a child though, and now he just said goodnight back to Harvey and laid down. He told Harvey that he didn't need anything and that he was fine, when asked.
He lied. Harvey left.
A couple of minutes he just laid there and tried to not think about anything special. To not think about the reason he was on Harvey's couch for the first time. To not think about yesterday or the day before that, or any of the things that had happened lately.
He soon realized that he wasn't going to be able to sleep. Not like this, not when his mind wouldn't slow down. He didn't want to think about it but it was just there. It played like a film before him. It was different scenarios the entire time, they changed constantly, moved into each other, some stayed in focus longer.
A gun pressed to his head, his face being pushed down onto the concrete, someone kicking him, their laughter. That night, the light of the cellphone coming towards him in the dark, the hand on the small of his back, the hand on other areas. Back to the gun to his head, them binding him, him throwing up on the floor, their laughter.
Back again to hands on his back, him crying on the floor, him wishing that it would end. At that thought he had started to cry. He had turned around on the couch so that he could press himself to the back of it, he buried his head into the pillow. He tried to not make sounds. Not like when he was on the floor, he hadn't bothered to be quiet then.
He wished he could shut off his brain. He felt exhausted, and crying didn't help. But the thoughts just kept coming. Again and again. There was nothing he could do. He cried more. His nose got stuffed but he didn't dare to get up. What if Harvey heard and came and saw him like this?
He wasn't aware of when he fell asleep, he just did at some point. The next thing he knew though, when he was sure that his surroundings were real, was that he was sitting up. He felt close to panic. It had been so damn real. It had felt like he was there, same terror was inside him right now. But he wasn't there. He was at Harvey's place. He kept repeating that fact over and over. He wasn't there, he was at Harvey's place. He wasn't there.
Harvey was standing next to him. He jerked and couldn't stop a sound of fright when he saw him. Harvey must have spoken to him; how long had he been standing there? He couldn't calm down.
"Ha-Har- Harvey… how… how long… "
He wanted to ask how long he had been standing there but he couldn't get the words out right. It was like they grew in his mouth. It felt like he was going to throw up. No, actually he was going to throw up!
He quickly, almost panicky, pushed the covers off him. He needed to get up and get to the bathroom. Right now!
"Mike, hey. What is it? What's going on buddy?"
Harvey was talking again. He could hear him this time. He called him buddy. Weird. But he couldn't stay or answer, he had to get to the bathroom. He got on to his feet and stumbled a little. Harvey came to his aid but Mike pulled away from him and ran. Harvey called after him.
He barely made it in time before his mouth was full. He fell to his knees next to the toilet and just let it out. Harvey was right behind him.
"Oh shit, kid. Okay…" he said.
Mike threw up again.
When he was done, he just sat there. On his knees next to the toilet chair. He felt like shit. His nightmare had made him throw up.
Harvey was still in the room. By this point he was very concerned. Mike screaming had woken him up. It was a long time ago since he had been that startled. His heart was beating so hard when he got to the living room, Mike had screamed again by the time he got there. It was a horrible sound.
"Mike? Mike what is it? What's going on? Are you in pain?"
Mike didn't answer him he just sat there, panting looking totally freaked out. Harvey spoke to him again but got no response. Then Mike mumbled something with his name in it, but then stared to get up. Harvey didn't know what he was doing. He followed after Mike to the bathroom and his heart sank as the kid threw up, not once but twice. Poor kid.
Mike just sat there now.
"You think you are done? You want some water?"
Mike nodded so Harvey went to get a glass for him. Mike took it without a word, drank a couple of mouthfuls and spit some out. Harvey offered him a hand and Mike accepted it, so Harvey pulled him up on his feet. Harvey patted his shoulder a bit and they went back to the living room.
Harvey sat down on a chair in front of him as Mike got back on his bed.
"You feeling a bit better?" Harvey asked.
"A little." Mike didn't look at him. "I'm sorry if I woke you."
"No, Mike. Don't you worry about it. Was it a nightmare?"
Mike swallowed hard and nodded, still not meeting Harvey's eyes.
"You want to talk about it?" Harvey carefully asked. Mike briefly looked up at him then. He hesitated a little but then shook his head.
"Not really Harvey." He said quietly and bent his head down again.
Mike couldn't meet Harvey's eyes. He felt like shit, shaky and a bit nauseated still. He did not want to go back to sleep either. It felt like something heavy was laying over his chest. He had never felt like this before, at least never been in a situation like this. He didn't know what to do or how to act. Harvey was sitting there opposite of him and he was offering to help him. Maybe not in those words but he was being nice to him and that meant a lot right now.
"How about you try to get some more sleep then?" Harvey then asked and destroyed everything. Harvey didn't want to help, he wanted to go back to sleep, Mike had woken him up after all. Mike didn't want to go back to sleep at all though. He shook his head.
"Not tired?" Harvey smirked, but nothing about this was funny.
"I… I don't know." He said. He was tired, of course he was, but he didn't want to sleep. That nightmare had made him throw up; it had been so bad. He still felt shaky from it and now Harvey thought that he should sleep again. Like that was going work. And then suddenly he was hit with an image of the concrete floor and trying to get to sleep there just to make time go faster so it would end. He felt like crying and that sucked. He felt how his eyes teared up, against his will. He put his face in his hands to hide it from Harvey.
"What can I do Mike?" Harvey surprised him by asking.
"I don't know." He said, because didn't at the moment, he didn't know what to do. He didn't know how anyone could help him with getting this feeling away.
"Do you want me to stay here for a bit with you?" Harvey asked then.
"Yeah…" His voice sounded weird when he said that. The tears wouldn't stop coming. He wished he could let them out, but he couldn't now when Harvey was there. But things would certainly feel worse if Harvey left, so it all just sucked.
"I will." Harvey said though. "You can lay down if you want."
Mike rubbed his eyes a bit before doing so. He hoped Harvey didn't see anything. He laid down with his back against Harvey. He tried to stay still; he forced his breaths to come out even. He didn't close his eyes though, he couldn't. He was afraid that Harvey would leave. He didn't want him to. He didn't want to be alone. His eyes soon flooded over again and he felt tears run down along his cheek, as well as over his nose and into the pillow.
He didn't know how long he lay like that. He tried to listen after the small sounds of movement that Harvey was making. If he did that intensely enough the bad thoughts and memories wouldn't take over. No images of being tied to a chair and slapped and hit over and over would appear. He wouldn't tense against the thought of hands touching him. And he wouldn't think about throwing up from the pain in his arms when they were bound too tight.
He almost lost it totally when he heard how Harvey stood up behind him. No! He had said he would stay. Why was he leaving then?
"You said you would stay." He said, not even bothering trying to keep his voice even. He didn't move. He hadn't wanted to say something, but he just had to.
"Oh, I did Mike. I just thought you were sleeping by now."
To Mike's immense relief he heard how Harvey sat down again, he would have lost it otherwise.
"No." He said. "No." He fought to make his breaths even again. He had started to shake though and he couldn't make that stop. He felt tired now and weirdly wished Harvey was gone so he could have broken down fully. It took so much effort to hold it back. He just couldn't understand where this was coming from. Why was he feeling like this? He should be fine now. It was over. He was free, safe. Still he felt the opposite.
Harvey spoke then.
"Mike, listen to me for a second. I just want you to know that I'm here for you. I am. I'm here and I'll help you get through this in any way I can."
"Yeah?" Mike whispered. He was holding his breath.
"Yes. It's going to be okay. I promise. You will be alright."
"Thanks Harvey. I hope so." Mike said quietly.
"Of course you will."
"Okay." Mike just said. He hoped Harvey was right, it didn't feel like things would be fine anytime soon though.
"Try to get some sleep now kid." Harvey said to him next.
"Okay." Mike answered again. He tried to keep his eyes closed, forced them. But it just got worse. He felt worse. He just wished that he could pass out. That would be great. It didn't happen though. How was he ever going to fall asleep?
If he fell asleep, he was going to have nightmares again, that was for certain, he could barely force the thoughts away when he was awake, sleeping he wouldn't stand a chance. He had nightmares pretty regularly otherwise, and now with this, it would be ten times as bad. He just knew it.
He was too tired and felt too vulnerable to deal with it now, especially alone. He didn't want to be alone. He almost wished that he would have been hurt worse so that they would have kept him at the hospital longer. Then Harvey would have stayed with him in the room. He was pretty sure of that. He had last night when Mike had asked him. But he wasn't that badly hurt. At least not physically, and to wish that he had was absurd.
Harvey was there now though, that calmed him a little. But what freaked him out a lot was the thought of Harvey leaving, because he would soon. If he thought Mike was a asleep he would go. He moved a little and sighed. Harvey knew he was awake now, that was good. He wanted to turn on his back, but he still had tears in his eyes. He didn't want Harvey to see that he was this much of a mess. But what if he left? It hurt in him at that thought. What would he do then? More tears came. Then thoughts of the concrete floor overwhelmed him. He pressed a pillow hard towards his face and tried to be as still and silent as he could while he sobbed. He wished it would end.
-SUITS-