Chapter 13.
Things were not going well. Mike had freaked out a bit just now, but the kid acted like nothing had happened. Mike had practically yelled at him and stormed off. Harvey couldn't understand why. And then Harvey heard him scream from the bathroom. But when Mike opened the door, he acted like it hadn't happened. Harvey chose to not bring it up.
Mike was clearly still bothered with the process of changing his bandages. Harvey didn't know why he had chosen to pull the one around his neck away. He guessed it was a good thing to change it though, since the old one still had been wet from Mike's shower.
They were not going out apparently. Mike didn't think that was a good idea, he refused to say why when Harvey asked him later that evening when they ate the Chinese food Harvey had ordered for them.
"I just didn't feel like it." Mike mumbled and looked away. Harvey left it at that. It felt kind of strange to do so, he wasn't the one who normally just let things be. It just felt like he needed to at this point.
They stayed up and watched a movie after dinner and Mike seemed to be in a better mood. However, he seemed reluctant towards going to bed after the movie ended. Harvey almost asked if he wanted company but didn't in the end. Afterward he kind of wished that he had done it anyway.
Harvey woke up around two thirty in the morning, needing to use the bathroom. He got out of bed and quietly walked out into the living room; he didn't want to disturb Mike. However, it turned out that it wasn't something that he needed to worry about, because Mike was very much awake. He was sitting on the couch, a blanket over his shoulders and his knees drawn up with his face buried against them. He was crying.
Oh shit. Harvey walked over to the couch and stopped at the foot of it. What was going on with the kid?
"Hey kid. Mike? Are you okay? Are you crying?"
Mike's whole body jerked at his voice and he pushed himself back even though he couldn't go that far. Red rimmed, terrified eyes met Harvey's and he felt compelled to raise his hands and back away a few steps.
"It's just me."
"Oh." Mike said and breathed harshly, he furiously wiped his eyes and turned his head down. His chest was heaving, and he made a weird sound that must be a suppressed sob. He didn't say anything else.
"What's going on Mike? What's wrong?" Harvey kindly asked and stepped a bit closer again.
Mike shook his head. He didn't know what to do, he wasn't prepared for the fact that Harvey would wake up. He had been sure he was sleeping, he didn't know how to explain this, how to explain why he was so damn sad. He felt so bad. When he had started to cry, he hadn't been able to stop. He wasn't now either. It just welled out of him, he tried to force it down now, but it didn't work. He wasn't prepared! He tried again to stop but it almost made him start to cough. His chest was heaving harshly and that wasn't something he could do anything about either. After a few attempts he decided to give up the tries to stop, he couldn't do it. He was too much in the middle of it now. And besides, Harvey had already seen it. He would probably not want to deal with him anyway, he would leave him be. He hoped he would do that, so he didn't have to explain. He didn't know if he could anyway. So, he buried his face in his arms again and continued like before. He just felt worse now, now when Harvey knew. When Harvey saw him behave like this. This wasn't him; this wasn't how he wanted Harvey or anyone to ever see him. It made it worse.
He hadn't been able to fall asleep after him and Harvey had said good night. He just couldn't relax. He had tried for hours, but it just wasn't working. His thoughts wouldn't slow down. It was the same stuff over and over and it just wouldn't stop. He was exhausted by now, but still his brain wouldn't shut off.
Harvey came closer now. He stepped forward until he could sit down on the coffee table in front of him. If Mike leaned forward, he would be able to touch him. And for just a short moment he imagined throwing himself in to Harvey's arms. He wondered how that would feel. If he maybe would feel better? Would Harvey be able to somehow comfort him? Take it away?
The next moment that thought was consuming him. What if Harvey actually wanted to help him? Was that why he was here?
"Mike? Can you please talk to me?" The older man said then. "Please let me know what's wrong."
He sounded so kind. Mike hadn't heard him sound like that before. Or maybe at that moment when Harvey had comforted him the last time. When he had been on the floor just after the kidnappers had left. Harvey had been so nice to him then. Mike wanted him to do the same now. For a crazy moment he wished that he was injured again. If he was, maybe Harvey would help him like that again. But that was just stupid, it wasn't anything wrong with him now, he was just messed up.
"Kid?" Harvey said again and Mike jerked and hugged his legs harder.
"I… I don't know." He got out. He didn't know what Harvey wanted him to answer.
"Well, you are obviously upset about something. Did you have a nightmare or something?"
"Yeah… or something."
Harvey decided that he needed to do something else about this. Mike wasn't really talking, but he was still crying heartbreakingly. Harvey couldn't have that. He couldn't let Mike continue feeling like this. He stood up and hated the way Mike yet again jerked at his movements.
"Alright, kid." He mumbled as he sat down on the couch right next to Mike. He then carefully put his arm around Mike's back and then pulled him towards him. He wasn't sure that this was the way to go, but right now at three in the morning it was the only thing he could think of.
At first Mike was stiff in his arms but as he placed his other arm around Mike's body, he felt a change in the younger man. Mike started to lean into him, then he pressed himself against Harvey and his sobs intensified. Harvey was a bit surprised, that hadn't been his intention at all, for things to feel worse for Mike. But here they were now. Harvey was sitting with his associate in his arms while he was crying almost hysterically. He wasn't crying quietly anymore, and the sounds cut in Harvey. Mike's body was shaking so much so that Harvey had to hold on hard to him. He shushed him.
"It's okay. It's okay. Just let it out. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here now." He just whispered random words of what he hoped was reassurance. They didn't seem to help much because Mike didn't slow down.
Mike couldn't stop. Harvey was actually hugging him right now. He was holding onto him and was all around him, protecting him. He had longed so much for this. More than he ever had realized. He didn't want it to stop, didn't want Harvey to stop, to go. He had no control over himself at all.
Mike was still shaking so much. It sounded almost like he had trouble breathing now, he was crying so hard. He was still pressing himself against Harvey.
"Har-Harvey…" He panted.
"Yep. I'm here. That's me. I… I got you, you know. It will be okay." Harvey just said things that popped up into his mind. He stroked Mike's back a little. He rocked them a little back and forth.
"You are feeling really bad, aren't you?"
"Yes. I can't… I can't…"
"It's okay Mike. You don't have to do anything right now. Just try and relax. Take a few deep breaths."
Harvey was pretty sure that Mike was trying to do what he said.
"Take you time."
He managed to calm down a little after a few minutes. "I can't…I can't stop Harvey." He said then.
"Can't stop what, Mike?"
"Stop think… thinking about it. About what happened. I just can't."
"Yeah?"
"It just keeps coming…and I don't want to think about it, but I do anyway. It's my memory. I wish it was…" Mike didn't finish the sentence. He sobbed a little again. "I just can't deal."
"I'm sorry Mike." Harvey said in lack of anything else to say. God, this was bad. So much worse than he had thought. The horrible things Mike had been through wouldn't leave him alone now, and with his memory it must be ten times as hard. He stroked Mike's back a little.
"I just want to forget about it." Mike said next.
"Yeah, I get that." Harvey answered. Mike was breathing hard and was leaning against him. His legs had come down a bit and he wasn't hugging them desperately anymore. For a couple of minutes, they just sat like that in silence. Mike was becoming calmer, his breaths evened out.
"How are feeling now?" Harvey asked after a while.
"I don't know. It's a little better maybe."
"Okay, that's good to hear. Do you want to lay down?"
It took a while before Mike answered. "Okay."
Harvey helped him do so. He stayed on the edge of the couch though. Mike wouldn't look at him and hid his face in the pillow instead.
"You can always come to me Mike." Harvey said.
"Okay." Mike breathed and Harvey was sure right then that Mike wouldn't come. He wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. What was he even doing right now to help? He didn't know what to say. He felt useless at this, and that wasn't a feeling he was used to. He always knew how to handle situations, even bragged about being able to read people so well. But this was different. He hadn't been able to read Mike tonight. And now he didn't know how to help.
"Do you think you can get some sleep now?" He asked as he saw how Mike slowly blinked. The kid nodded a little.
"Okay. That's good." A minute Harvey remained sitting there, but Mike didn't say anything else, so then he stood up. "I'm heading back to bed then. You know where to find me." He said as he started to walk back to his bedroom. But Mike stopped him. He sat up again.
"You never found me!" He said.
Harvey turned around and looked at him. "What do you mean…" He stared to say but Mike interrupted him.
"I waited for you to come; you know." Mike's voice shook a bit. "I wanted you to come and get me. I though you would."
Harvey just stared at him. He knew what Mike was talking about. He had been worried about this. That this was what Mike had been wishing for then.
"I'm sorry Mike." He tried, because what else could he say. He hadn't come.
"No! I wished for it over and over. I really thought you would come!" Mike said next. He looked down now. "At least in the beginning." He said.
Harvey didn't know what to say, but Mike continued before he had time to figure it out.
"You have no idea what it was like! Just lying on the floor, tied up with no way of getting out of it. Just waiting! And it was dark as well! They never left the fucking light on!"
"I'm… I'm sorry you…"
Mike interrupted him again.
"You are the one who said that they were totally harmless. Then the same night they grabbed me. It was three to one!"
Harvey swallowed hard. "I know that I said that."
"And you were wrong!"
"Yes, I was."
"You were wrong, and you didn't come! No one came." Mike looked into his eyes now, and as he did a couple of tears escaped his eyes and ran down his cheek. It was like the air went out of him then and he slowly laid down again.
Harvey heavily sat down in one of the chairs. Clearly, he couldn't leave. "I wished I could have come. I wish I could have gotten you out of there." He said. "But I just didn't know where you were. I didn't know where to look. I tried everything I could think of, but it wasn't enough, Mike."
"I know…" Mike whispered now. He had hidden his face in his hands now.
"I looked for you." Harvey said forcefully.
"Yeah?"
"Yes, I did."
"Okay."
"I'm so sorry I didn't find you."
"Okay."
Mike drew a few deep breaths and turned on his back.
"Have you been awake all this time?" Harvey asked after a moment.
"Yes."
"You must be exhausted."
"Yeah, pretty much." Mike still wasn't looking at him.
"How about I stay here until you fall asleep?"
Mike nodded and Harvey made himself more comfortable on the chair. Mike spoke again a few minutes later.
"If you go, will you leave a light on?" He asked.
"Of course."
"It's just that I'm going to dream about it, and I don't want to wake up in the dark." Mike quietly said. It was almost like he didn't want Harvey to hear him. Was he embarrassed? Harvey was pretty sure that he was.
"I will do that." He promised.
Mike didn't say anything else after that. He did feel exhausted. But that was just among other things he was feeling. He didn't know why he had said all those things to Harvey, but he didn't regret it. It had felt kind of good to just blurt it out. But now he was just so damn tired. And Harvey had promised to leave a light on, and to stay until he fell asleep. So maybe he could do that now.
-SUITS-
Mike was sleeping now. Harvey had checked by quietly asking him if he was asleep, and he didn't get an answer. That was an hour ago and the kid was still asleep.
Things had gotten pretty emotional this night. It was close to six in the morning now and Harvey suspected that he wasn't going to get any more sleep tonight. He thought about going back to his own bed, but he couldn't get himself to get up and leave.
He couldn't stop thinking about what Mike had said. Mike had waited for him, hoped for him to come, had wished for it. He had wanted Harvey's help, but hadn't gotten it. Mike had needed him, but Harvey had failed him. That weighed heavy on him now. He felt so damn guilty.
Mike had said that he couldn't stop thinking about what had happened, he had said that Harvey had no idea what it had been like. And Harvey had a hard time imagining what it must have been like to be tied up in a dark room. It wasn't strange that it was affecting him.
He didn't want Mike to feel like this though, didn't want him to sit up alone and cry at night. He certainly didn't want that. But he also felt at a loss on how to help. Mike needed help, maybe even professional help, or most certainly. But he didn't think that Mike was open to that, and he was pretty sure that Mike would react badly if he brought it up at this point.
Harvey stayed with Mike for almost two hours. It was first then that he could bring himself to stand up and head back to his bedroom. He left a light on.
Harvey woke up two more times that night, or what was left of it. Both times he went up and checked on Mike. The second time he came Mike was awake. He was just laying curled up pressed against the back of the couch. He looked straight at Harvey when he came closer.
"You are up." Harvey said stupidly. "You had another nightmare?"
"Yeah." Mike whispered and didn't say anything else.
"Okay." Harvey said and sat down in front of him again. Mike's eyes fell close about ten minutes later and Harvey headed back to bed ten minutes after that.
It was late morning the next time he woke. Mike was still sleeping, and Harvey decided to let him do it for as long as he needed. However, when he tried to as quietly as he could reach for a cup to make himself some coffee, Mike stirred and immediately sat up. Harvey could see the moment when his terrified expression left his face, and he must have realized that everything was okay. Damn it, the kid was struggling.
"Do you want coffee?" Harvey took down another cup.
"Okay." Mike said and stood up. He walked over to the kitchen island and sat down. He rested his head in his hands.
"I would ask you how you slept, but…" Harvey said.
Mike glared a little at him then. "What do you mean by that?"
"Nothing. I'm just sorry about your nightmares."
"Because I woke you up, or what?"
"No, Mike. Because of what they do to you."
Mike looked away at that. "I'm going to the bathroom." He said and left.
Harvey had breakfast ready when Mike came back and they started to eat. Mike mostly looked down at the table. He jerked a bit when Harvey spoke.
"I was thinking we could do something today. If you are up for it."
"Like what?" Mike said without looking up.
"I don't know, it's up to you. We could go and…"
"I don't want to go anywhere." Mike interrupted.
"Okay… Yeah, we can stay here as well. That will be fun."
Mike glared at him again.
"Do you want to watch a movie then?" Harvey hurried to say, it seemed like he only pissed Mike off, somehow.
"Okay." Mike agreed. So, they did. And after the first one they watched another and a third. Mike seemed to light up as the movie played on. Donna stopped by with a late lunch or early dinner. She joined them for a movie after that. Things were almost normal by then. They talked and laughed. Mike called Harvey old and Donna agreed, Harvey then claimed that Donna was close to his age.
"Oh, the war is on." Mike laughed. "Watch out Harvey."
It was like for a few hours it had never happened. Mike enjoyed himself, and the kidnapping didn't enter his mind at all. It felt so nice to just be in the moment and not think back. He had to concentrate somewhat to do it, but it was working, much because of Harvey and Donna. They were pretty great.
The morning had been a bit rocky and he hadn't understood what Harvey was doing, but then they started to watch movies and he forgot about the night before. The night when he hadn't been able to control himself at all. He noticed that Harvey gave him strange looks sometimes, but he tried to not think about as to why. However, it was like he hit a switch because he just cast a glace out the window, and when he saw that it was dark outside it all came rushing back over him. His chest immediately felt tight and he felt a bit nauseated. Images of a man coming towards him with his phone as a flashlight came over him and it was like his wrist hurt from the bindings, but when he looked at them there was nothing there. He felt sweaty and uncomfortable and had to force himself to breath normally. He stared at the TV and tried to focus on the movie and get rid of the picture in his head of four men towering over him as he was laying on the floor.
He jerked when they laughed in the movie and Harvey laughed as well. It just instantly reminded him of them laughing.
"Are you okay, sweetie?" Donna suddenly asked. He looked at her and knew that it was too late now to hide it, she had already seen the change in him, she looked a bit worried.
"I don't know." He said and saw that Harvey also paid attention now. "I just thought about it."
She nodded and stroked his arm a little.
"No, I don't know. It's just…" He swallowed and didn't say anything else.
"I'm sorry. It must be hard Mike."
"Yeah." He sighed. When Donna reached out for him again, he pulled away. He didn't want her to touch him. He looked back at the TV and ignored the look he noticed Harvey and Donna gave each other.
"Just let us know if there is anything we can do to help Mike."
"Thanks." He stood up from the couch. He just couldn't stay. Not when they were looking at him like that. He needed to be by himself for a bit. He needed to regroup, get some fresh air. For a moment he almost thought of heading out of the apartment but immediately changed his mind. Instead he headed to the balcony and walked out. He didn't have any shoes on, but he didn't care. He just needed to breathe.
Harvey and Donna both looked after him.
"Should I go after him?" Harvey asked after a minute.
"No, just let him be for a bit." Donna said.
"What happened? I thought he was okay."
"I don't know. Maybe something reminded him of what happened."
Harvey nodded slowly and tried to think about what that could be. They were watching some stupid movie about superheroes in space.
"He doesn't want to leave the apartment." He said. "I think he is scared."
"Can you blame him? They are still out there aren't they?"
"Yeah, I called the police yesterday. They said that they are working on some leads, whatever that means."
"You said he was upset last night?" Donna asked, still turned towards the balcony. Mike stood there, a thin, dark shadow. It looked like he was hugging himself.
"You can say that. He was destroyed. Couldn't stop crying. I was worried. I've never seen him like that."
"Oh Mike…" Donna sighed. "He looks cold. We should bring him a blanket."
"I'll find one." Harvey said and went to get one. He gave it to Donna. She smiled and took it and went outside. She closed the door behind her so Harvey couldn't hear what she said to Mike. But he saw how she approached him, the younger man nodded, and Donna placed the blanket over his back. She then asked something else and Mike nodded again. She then stood next to him and wrapped an arm around his back. Then they just stood there together, looking out over the city.
They had been standing there together for probably ten minutes before Donna asked Mike if he wanted to go inside again.
"Okay." He answered. He felt better again now. The cold air had helped to clear his head and calm him down. He appreciated that she came out to him as well. That was sweet. She had offered him a blanket and he had accepted.
She had asked him next if he would be okay if she put her arm around him. He had said yes to that as well. Then she hadn't said anything else, she just stood beside him and looked out over the roof tops. It felt nice with her arm around him, he could feel the warmth of her body next to him. It was so nice to just feel her presence without her expecting anything from him. It was as if she knew exactly what he needed.
Harvey looked worried when they went back inside.
"I'm fine." Mike told him, but Harvey didn't seem convinced.
"That's good." He still said.
Soon after Donna left and him and Harvey went to bed. Mike said that he was fine, but Harvey still asked twice if he wanted company. Mike felt embarrassed about it. He couldn't stop feeling humiliated when he thought of the reason for Harvey's concern. He had totally lost it the night before, no wonder Harvey worried. Harvey had seen him at his absolute lowest. He had been desperate and felt totally destroyed. Harvey had helped though, and Mike was grateful for that, but now he didn't want to think about it. He didn't want Harvey to think he was some kind of nut case now.
It was just that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about it. He had been so tired, exhausted, but hadn't been able to relax. He had felt so shitty that he had just started to cry. And when he started, he couldn't stop. He had made a fool of himself. And all those things he had said too, about Harvey not coming. He regretted it now. He had sounded like a child. And now Harvey kind of treated him like a child and he didn't want that. So now he had dismissed Harvey's concern and said that he was fine. He said good night and turned his back against Harvey until he heard the other man leave. He didn't know why he was doing that, because he wasn't really doing okay. He wasn't fine. Not even close.
He dreamt nightmares. They woke him up in absolute terror. He sat for several minutes and tried to catch his breaths. He back was drenched in sweat and his chest felt tight and heavy. He was breathing hard and could feel how hard his heart was beating. He got tears in his eyes and bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from starting to cry.
Harvey had left a light on in the other end of the room, but Mike stumbled up and turned on the light in the ceiling as well. It was just something he needed. He didn't want to be in the dark. Not now. Not after that nightmare. How was he ever going to be able to fall back asleep?
The sweat on his back slowly dried and made him feel cold. He laid back down and pulled the cover closer to him. His wrist and shoulder kind of hurt, and he didn't know if the pain was real or not.
He almost wished that he had woken Harvey up. He thought about how it would have felt if Harvey had been there when he woke up. He wished he would come.
Mike pressed his back against the couch and tried to force his eyes to remain closed. It stressed him to keep them closed though and he had to open them again. He saw the huge windows; it was so dark outside. He wouldn't be able to tell if someone was standing outside looking in at him.
The men who had kidnapped him was out there, Harvey hadn't said anything about them being captured. Mike knew that Harvey would tell him if there was any news. They had done this to him, and they were still free. Mike wasn't free, not anymore.
He couldn't stop thinking about it.
-SUITS-