Chapter 32

The first touches of Rey's mind to his were feather light. Tentatively, she glided over his consciousness. Pulling information here and there. Kylo shuddered in unrepressed pleasure at the sensation. Finally, there was nothing between them. This was what he wanted for them. To have no secrets, to know each other inside and out. The kind of partnership that everyone wanted but few achieved. There would never be another for him and he was unashamed to let her feel that.

Kylo could tell the moment that she latched on to his feeling for her. The soft caress of her stopped gliding and focused in his thoughts and feelings. He encouraged her to probe deeper. Kylo didn't want to hide anything from her. She was his match, his equal. The one person in the entire universe that made him feel complete. That contained the raging inferno of his emotions with little more than the arch of one of her perfect brows.

He could feel her shock at the discovery. He longed to probe her mind in return, but he didn't. This was for Rey. To build trust between them. Trust that had been destroyed in Snoke's throne room. She felt that as well. He could feel her pull away from those memories. He couldn't blame her. They were painful for him too. But he needed her to know. To see from his perspective what had transpired.

The pressure of her thoughts on his increased. Becoming painful as she delved deeper. He could feel her replaying the events of that fateful day. He welcomed the pain. Any amount of pain was well worth it if it helped heal the rift between them.

….

Once again, Rey felt as if the world was tilting on its axis. She wasn't sure what she would find in Kylo's mind, but this was not what she expected. Of course, she had inklings of his feelings. Before everything had gone sideways, she had felt a strange connection to Kylo as well. A connection that had nothing to do with the Force bond.

What she didn't expect was the depth of his feeling for her. His devotion. Unable to resist, Rey delved deeply into his mind. Wanting to know what this was all for. What he wanted from her and what was driving him.

What she found shocked and humbled her. The depth of his feelings was more than just a passing phase or a crush. He was devoted to her. Would bend the universe to make her happy. But his love was not without cost. He had been shaped and molded into something cruel and that cruelty stained even his affection. His love was unwavering but also demanding. He craved her submission. Needed her to give herself over to his care.

"Love me, fear me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."

The entreaty whispered out to her. He was a broken soul. But that soul belonged to her. Indeed, his soul had recognized hers from the first. Of course, he had resisted it at first. His entire history had proven to him that caring was a weakness that someone could and would use against him. Desiring another only left him vulnerable.

But try as he might, he couldn't withstand his need for her. He had felt the first stirring of something when he was informed about the girl assisting the droid. The prick of awareness that his life would never be the same. That this was the path he was meant to walk. He was meant to find her.

Of course, he fought against it. Had wanted to dismiss her as unimportant when they had first met but even, so he carried her himself. Unwilling to allow another to touch her. Kylo Ren stayed with her the entire time she was unconscious. Had refused to let the First Order interrogators ply their trade on her vulnerable form. Waited until she woke up and tried to get the information in the gentlest way possible.

She felt his rage when he discovered her gone. She had run away from him and Kylo Ren lashed out like a wounded animal. Howling his rage to the skies. He didn't understand the depth of his feeling then, but he couldn't deny how much he wanted, no needed, her to be with him. So, he hunted her.

He thought he knew hate, thought that the dark side had shown him every facet of that emotion. He was wrong. When he discovered Rey in the forest of Starkiller base with the traitor he realized that there were entire oceans of hate left to explore. Jealousy burned through him. The dark need to dominate and humiliate his rival. To show Rey who was truly worthy of her.

He could have killed Finn in a moment, but his hate demanded more. He needed to shame his rival. To show him how unworthy he was of her. To taunt Finn with his superior skill and to finally finish him with a dismissive twist of his saber. Even so, he didn't understand the origins of these emotions. Didn't understand until his grandfather's saber had flown into her hands. In that moment he could no longer deny what she was. His match, his mate.

But like anything of real value, he would have to earn it. Earn her. When she ignited the saber and attacked him, Kylo Ren's spirit soared. He would answer her challenge and once he defeated her, Rey would know that her place was at his side.

He relished their fight. Loved the fire in her. Thrilled that this slip of a girl would challenge him. He wasn't even angry that she had bested him, marked him. His match should be able to stand up to him. It was on him to earn her submission.

When Kylo was summoned before Snoke, his unease wasn't for his master's anger over his defeat. It was fear that Snoke would discover his true feelings toward Rey. Kylo knew first hand, what happened to those that caught his master's attention. Snoke liked to play with his food before eating it. Without the proper training, Rey would not stand a chance. Even so, he couldn't stop himself from lashing out when Snoke had berated him for being "bested by a girl who had never held a saber before." However, he hid the reason for his rage well. Snoke thought it was born of shame for having been defeated by a novice. Really it was because Kylo had failed to claim what was his. He had not proven himself worthy, yet.

Rey saw Kylo in the elevator after that meeting. Felt Kylo's rage at knowing that Snoke would destroy the girl. That she was in danger. That was the moment that Kylo turned on his master. Not because his master had called him child and unworthy of Vader's legacy. It was because Snoke was a threat to Rey.

Every day, Kylo had to bury his feelings for her. He could never let his master see what she meant to him. It was exhausting to never let the façade drop. To keep his feeling even from her. He had to be so careful every time the force connected them. He had to walk a very fine line. He needed to let her in to gain her trust, but he couldn't show her too much. Doing so would more than likely scare her off and it would increase the chances of Snoke discovering what she really meant to him.

The hardest moment was when she came to him aboard the Supremacy. When she landed, he wanted nothing more than to haul her up into his arms and never let her go. But he couldn't, Snoke had to believe that Kylo was still his instrument. Snoke would kill them both if he ever suspected that Kylo had changed allegiances. Watching Rey's expression fall when she first saw him felt like a knife to the heart. It was agony to have her so close and not reveal all to her.

In the elevator he knew that his mask was in danger of slipping. Could feel himself giving in to her entreaties. It was torture to be so close to her, to have her look at him with such trust and ask him to join her and not give in. He had to wound her for this to work. It was the only way to keep her alive. Hurt her to save her.

When Rey started screaming that was the worst moment of all. Kylo knew how skilled Snoke was in causing pain. How much he delighted in inflicting it. Kylo couldn't keep the anguish from his face, but Snoke was too engrossed with tormenting Rey to see it. By the time that Snoke had released Rey, Kylo had his expressions and emotions under control. This was his moment. The moment that Snoke was so drunk on his own arrogance and abilities that he would never see the killing stroke coming. Snoke deserved his fate a thousand times over. The twisted creature deserved a far worse death than the one that Kylo had given him. But there was no time to savor the kill. Snoke was a dangerous enemy that he could not risk escaping. Better to kill him quickly and ensure Rey's safety. He would have to take solace in knowing that he avenged her torment.

The moments when Kylo and Rey fought together were some of the best of his life. They were a team. Their moments in sync. Kylo could feel the force connecting them and flowing through them. It gave both of them the strength to defeat Snoke's elite guards. They were one at last.

At least that is what he thought until she rejected him. The pain of that rejection burned him far more than anything he had ever felt in his life. He had severed all ties to his past for her. Had murdered his master and still she found him unworthy. Chose others over him. Didn't she see what they were to each other. What else could he do to prove himself?

Rey could not take anymore. She needed to out of his mind. She had to set the record straight. Withdrawing from his mind, Rey saw the haunted and wounded expression in Kylo's eyes. Slowly, she raised her hands to his and gently removed them from her face. She never broke eye contact as she did so, willing him to trust her and to hear her out.

She held onto his hands and Kylo stared down at the sight of their fingers clasped together.

"Now to you see?"

The words were strong, but Rey knew that they held fear behind them. Fear that he had bared his soul to her and that it had not made a difference. He was such a broken soul. She cursed everyone that warped him into this. But she needed him to understand as well.

"I wasn't choosing them over you." Rey tightened her grip on his hands, forcing him to stay with her as he moved to pull away.

"No listen to me. I think that I am owed that after all of this."

He stilled at her words but kept a wary expression on his face. How Rey longed to rest her hand on his cheek, but she knew he wasn't ready for that. He would think she was just trying to manipulate him.

"For a very long time, I was alone. I was alone for so long that when people came into my life I rejected them automatically. It was as easy as breathing for me. I convinced myself that I was better off that way and that it was better without anyone else in my life. I didn't realize how desperately lonely I was."

Rey looked up at Kylo and saw him studying her intently. She could see him weighing her every word. Taking a deep breath, she deliberately dropped all of her shields so that he could feel her sincerity.

"I was so scared of letting anyone in that I created a fantasy of the perfect set of loving parents and was willing to live my entire life in isolation waiting for people that never really existed. I convinced myself that these people were the only ones that I could trust and that I could love. I nearly ran back to Jakku and was willing to die alone waiting for them."

"When I finally let people in, I realized just how wrong I was to close myself off in the first place. My life was not better alone. It kept me safe, sure, but it also prevented me from having real joy. The thought of losing people and going back to that terrible isolation was more than I could stand. But that was not the same as rejecting you. I don't want to rule the galaxy, I never did. What I want is not be to alone anymore."

Rey watched as Kylo swallowed hard, feeling the truth in her words. Quietly he spoke.

"You are not alone."

Instead of answering him like she had during that fateful meeting in her hut on Ahch-To, she leaned in and rested her forehead against his. After a long moment she whispered back.

"Neither are you."