"Lieutenant…I figured you'd do a happy dance seeing me leave this town…"
There was a sparkle in Forester's eyes as he slid the last of his files into the black suitcase that had resided in the bullpen for so many days.
Wearing his dark-blue windbreaker, the baseball cap partially hiding his expression, the Captain closed the zipper, then leaned back against the large window in Mike's office, arms crossed over his chest, a wily smile on his face.
"I'm not into dancing…", the Lieutenant replied dryly and closed the door behind him, giving both men some privacy after a difficult day, "Although I must say you give yourself too much credit. I wouldn't go out of my way to celebrate your leaving. As a matter of fact, part of me is actually sad to see you go. This was an…interesting collaboration. Your help was crucial in finding our killer and stopping him before more people could get hurt."
"I guess what they said about you is right, Stone. You are on the subtle side when it comes to handing out praise.", Forester joked, then sighed dreadfully, "This was a tough case. You have no idea how glad I am that it worked out the way it did. Sometimes these…situations don't end that well. It takes huge effort on everybody's part to investigate a crime like this and close the net. You and Barney…you guys are an impressive team. It was a pleasure to work with you on this case. I am going to miss harassing the two of you to keep you in line."
The genial teasing caused both men to chuckle for a moment, before Mike's expression turned somber again.
"I'll go and check on my partner first thing in the morning. The doctor said he's going to be alright. I am glad the bullet didn't enter any higher, or the outcome could have been…devastating."
"Yeah, I know."
The matter-of-fact response made Mike glance up at the Captain suspiciously, only to be met by the ever-present omniscient smile.
"Lieutenant, Lieutenant, remember? I've got high security clearance. I can find out anything I want to, whenever I want to. I could probably tell you the serial number of the IV drip they've got in Barney's vein right now, if you wanted to know. You see, sometimes this clearance feels dreadful, other times, like today, I was glad to get that worry off my soul. I kinda like Barney. And seeing him get shot, well…well, it reminded me too much of…well, you know the whole story."
With a silent nod, Mike smiled sympathetically, appreciating the sincere concern behind Forester's actions when it came to Steve's well-being. The story of losing a partner just like the Captain did had resonated with him. Having gone through the same dilemma before, he understood the raw pain and guilt too well, feelings both men would undoubtedly take to their grave with them.
"Will you finally retire after this case? Or will you keep responding to other cases until you have found redemption for what happened to Matt?"
It was a question that had been burning in the back of his mind since he first met Forester. With his hands casually shoved in the pockets of his black slacks, Mike stared intently at the Captain, noticing the slight shudder going through the other man's body when the question was voiced, the heavy and somber breath that ensued serving as an embodiment of the heart-wrenching pain he felt.
"I never pretended that there was such a thing as redemption for what happened. As you know very well yourself, we take on a serious responsibility with those young chaps. We hope that they listen to what we teach them. We hope that common sense and fate prevails and keeps them alive. At night, we pray to God they stay safe and we rejoice at seeing them again the next morning. But once…once death happens, it casts a shadow onto our soul. And no matter how many cases I help solve, how many people I keep safe from now through the end of times, it won't remove that stain off my conscience. What happened to Matt was my fault. And nothing that I do or say will change that, Lieutenant."
"Arthur…let me tell you something. And hear me out please. You see, last year I had to shoot my old partner to stop him from killing a murder suspect.", Mike admitted calmly, although he could feel his entire body shake, as his mind took him back to that dark place, seeing the terror in Steve's eyes as Barney Lujack, the real Barney in this case, took his last breath, dying by the hands of the same man who swore to protect him with his own life many years earlier.
Glancing up, Forester's brown eyes were filled with surprise, then empathy at the unexpected confession.
"It tore me apart for weeks. I couldn't think straight. I blamed myself for not seeing it coming, for not listening to Stephen when he nudged me in the right direction, for not being there when I was needed the most. I spent night after night lying awake wondering what I could have done different to change the outcome. The situation wore on me so much that it was beginning to erode my confidence. There were times I wasn't sure I could keep Steve safe. I feared that my clouded mind would cause me to make mistakes. The…the case pulled me into a very dark place for a long time, until one day, I realized that beating myself up for the choices of others was completely pointless; that I had no control of what my older partner had been plotting, that even if I had managed to keep him alive, he would spend the rest of his life in prison. But instead of moving on, I had put myself in his prison cell, allowing his choice to affect me more than it ever should have. I suffered, Steve suffered and everybody who was relying on me on a daily basis suffered."
With an understanding nod, Forester pushed himself off the windowsill and stepped closer, keeping only a few feet of professional distance between them.
"What your partner…what Matt did was his choice. There may have been things going through his mind at that time you were never aware of. It's possible he had planned on taking his own life for a long time, and the standoff provided an opportunity for him to end it in a noble way. Even if you would have managed to stop him during the incident, he would have found another opportunity, possibly one that involved innocent people getting hurt. Regardless of the outcome, his choices were out of your control. Don't you think it's time to forgive yourself for something that was never your fault to begin with?"
There was a slight twitch in Forester's jaw line as the Captain lowered his head, trying to disguise his eyes beneath the rim of his baseball cap. With his shoulders slumped, he almost appeared like a regular human being to the inconspicuous eye.
That was, at least until he'd be off investigating his next case.
"You might be onto something there, Lieutenant.", Forester finally mumbled, swallowing the emotions that threatened to surface during their candid conversation, "It's kind of ironic. I came here to teach you and Barney a thing or two about mass shootings, and yet…I learned so much more about life from a hard-nosed, ill-tempered, set-in-his-way grouch such as yourself…and a kid in custom-tailored suits who showers in aftershave and who somehow, for some divine reason I am entirely grateful for, is wiser than me in so many aspects…"