Chapter 19.

To say things went well for Mike that day was to stretch it. Things didn't go horrible at least, but he struggled. It worried him quite a lot that it was this hard to concentrate. It felt like something was wrong with him. The kidnapping had really messed him up. It wasn't only the concentration difficulties, sleeplessness or the thoughts. He didn't like the dark anymore. Sometimes he felt terrified even though he logically knew there was nothing to fear. He jumped at loud noises as well as sudden movements. He knew that Harvey or Donna must have noticed it but they hadn't said anything.

Louis came by his desk an hour later and Mike stiffened when he saw him. He hoped that the man would walk past him, but he stopped.

"Mike, my office now." He said and walked away. Mike could only follow. Louis mentioned for the chair in front of his desk and Mike sat down.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry about earlier. It had come to my attention that you took offense from what I said."

Mike just stared at the man. What was going on? Was Louis apologizing to him?

"Ehm… okay." He said.

"How are you holding up otherwise?" Louis looked him straight into the eyes and he looked serious.

Mike swallowed. "I'm… you know. I'm getting the work done."

"I wasn't talking about your work Mike."

"I know."

They looked at each other again for a moment. But then Louis nodded.

"Okay, Mike. That was all. You can go."

Mike nodded back and left. He felt a bit shaken up. Louis had apologized. Harvey must have spoken to him. He didn't know how he felt about that. On one hand he felt a bit touched and on the other he felt embarrassed. He didn't want Harvey to fight his battles for him. He wasn't going to mention it though, he just wished Harvey could talk to him too. Sure, Harvey had told him to come to him if he wanted to talk, but he didn't know how to bring it up, or what to say.

Donna had told him that he could come to them, but why did that have to be on him? Why couldn't they come to him? Suddenly he felt so angry. He hated that he was feeling this shitty all the time, but he didn't know what to do about it. For now, he just went to his desk and sat down. He stared at the screen and down on his desk on all the work that was laying there. He should concentrate on it, just start to work, but he didn't want to do it. What the hell was the point with all of this anyway?

A couple of hours passed without him doing much of anything. Rachel stopped by and wanted to talk, but he dismissed her. He knew what she wanted to talk about and had no interest in listening to how sorry she was for what had happened to him. Besides, he had been back for days and it was first now she came?

He felt embarrassed and humiliated after she had left. He wanted to go somewhere but didn't know where. Eventually he ended up in the bathroom. It was the only place he could think of where he could be alone and yet feel safe, or whatever he was feeling. He walked into a booth, locked the door and sat down. He tried with all he had to not feel anything, to disconnect. It didn't work at all. Instead he felt tears coming and how his chest grew tight.

He fought it for just a little while before he gave up and buried his face in his hands and cried. He did it as quietly as he could in case someone would come.

He felt so damn pathetic sitting like this. But worst was the feeling of loneliness. He was all alone in this and he couldn't see how he was going to start to feel better. He bit his tongue to stop himself from screaming out loud.

He spent almost an hour like that, feeling like absolute shit. He wished for a while that someone would come looking for him, but no one did. Of course, they didn't, why would they? It wasn't like they knew he had disappeared. Or they didn't even care if he did. The hard thing was that he really wished that someone would care enough to actually come and look.

Eventually he had gotten himself together enough to be able to step out of the bathroom and back to his desk. He looked down the entire way over, just so that he wouldn't have to meet anyone's eyes. Neither Harvey nor Donna came that day to ask if he wanted to have lunch with them, and he didn't want to go alone, or to ask them. So, he ended up without eating lunch, just an apple from the breakroom.

-SUITS-

Harvey couldn't help but worry about Mike. He spent quite a long time looking around for Mike to ask him if he wanted to join him for lunch. However, he couldn't find him, so he had to head out alone, to avoid being late for a partner meeting he had around two a clock.

It seemed like Mike was avoiding him, but Donna said that he shouldn't read to much into that. She also said that he needed to talk with Mike.

"You need to be kind to him." She had even said, which surprised him a bit.

"When am I not kind?" He had said, and she had just rolled her eyes at him.

"I spoke to Louis." Harvey had muttered then. But Donna didn't seem to think that it counted. Instead she said that he needed to give Mike time, and that he would come around soon enough.

After the partners meeting, which had been rather boring, Harvey had gone to find Mike though. He had looked to be totally ingulfed in something so Harvey almost felt bad for interrupting him. Mike jerked when Harvey tapped his shoulder and looked up at him with wild eyes.

"It's just me. How is it going?" Harvey tried to pretend that he wasn't bothered by Mike's look. He wasn't sure that Donna's tactic of waiting for Mike to come around was the right way to go. The younger man didn't look good at all. He was too pale and had a sheer layer of sweat on his forehead. He almost looked sick.

"Good. It's going good. Why do you ask?" Mike said now and looked around the room. Harvey followed his gaze and saw at least three people bend their heads down. He understood and couldn't help but feel angry on Mike's behalf.

"Come with me." He said and walked away. Mike soon followed him. Harvey took them to his office where he gave Mike a bunch of new assignments that the kid accepted without a word. They spent some time with going through the material together and Mike stayed in his office after that. Harvey figured that if they spent some more time around each other Mike would open up eventually.

Mike was thankful towards Harvey. He understood what he was doing back at the cubicles when he told Mike to come with him. He had seen the look on Harvey's face and understood that he probably thought about the whole thing with Carl.

He felt a bit better when he could work in Harvey's office. He got more work done there as well. It was easier to concentrate.

Donna brought him with her at the end of the day. They took a cab to his place, even though he tried to tell Donna that he was fine without going there. However, she followed him closely up to his apartment where he collected a few things at random, and almost all of his clean suits. He didn't want to be there longer than necessary, and besides he felt a bit ashamed about his apartment, and how messy it was when he thought about how Donna's place looked like.

"Do you have everything then?" She asked and Mike looked around a little. He felt a bit ill being back here again. Nauseated and tense, and he got angry at himself for feeling like that. It was his own home for gods' sakes. It still felt good when they left. It felt like it was a bit easier to breath outside and back in the cab.

They didn't speak about how long he would stay, or why he was staying at Donna's place. She was so good that way. She knew that he didn't want to have that conversation and she let him off the hook. Still he didn't feel entirely comfortable, he knew this was weird. And it didn't feel good at all that he was doing this, that he couldn't go stay at home by himself.

When they got home, they cooked dinner together and had a calm, nice time. They talked some, but not about anything troubling. He noticed that Donna tried to bring up some of the more difficult subject, but he deflected. He didn't want to talk about how he was feeling or what was bothering him. He was nervous about going to bed. He didn't want to embarrass himself again but knew that he was going to have nightmares again. He couldn't fend them off. Donna seemed hesitant as well when they both were ready to go to bed. She stood next to the couch in her robe.

"Are you going to be able to sleep?" She asked him.

"Yeah, Donna. Thanks." He answered fast and tried to smile convincingly.

"Are you sure?" She asked. "Is it something I can do for you?"

Mike smiled genuinely this time. "No, I'm good. Thank you."

"Well, good night then, Mike."

"Good night Donna."

He watched her disappear into her bedroom, closing the door after her. She was so nice to him. He was grateful for letting him stay. He didn't have to stay at his own place now or continue to sleep in the office. For a few days he had somewhere to go, and maybe during that time he would be able to figure all of this out. Maybe he would be able to get a grip and just move on. He really needed to do that. What he was doing now wasn't working. But he didn't know how to get away from what he was feeling. He didn't know how to get away from the thoughts about the kidnapping.

He laid down and closed his eyes. Donna had turned the light on the ceiling off as she left, but there was a small lamp by the window that was still lit. He wasn't going to turn it off. He couldn't handle the dark.

He felt so alone.

Donna was in the next room, but that didn't help at all. He regretted now, saying that he had been good. It had only been like two minutes but he kind of felt destroyed now. Something was really wrong with him. He couldn't help but wonder if this was something mentally wrong. It certainly wasn't normal to be acting like this. It was about two weeks since it had happened now, and he still felt like absolute shit right now. It was just that it still felt like it had happened yesterday. Everything was just edged in so clearly in his mind. He remembered every second of it. He remembered being grabbed, how he fought and screamed, how they bound him, questioned him and hit him. Being left in the dark, being hungry and thirsty, them coming back and binding him again, leaving him on the floor this time. The way they talked to him, kicked him, laughed at him. He remembered how he at first had been defiant towards them, talked back and screamed. But he also remembered how he had thrown up from pain, cried and begged. They had broken him during those days. They had humiliated him and violated him. His mind immediately went back to the third night he had been held. The light from the cellphone coming against him.

He sat up on the couch. He wasn't going to allow himself to go there. He noticed that it was hard to breathe all of a sudden. He was panting, and felt all sweaty, but at the same time he felt cold. He didn't know what to do.

Maybe Donna was awake still. Maybe he could go to her. She might know what to do.

But then he would have to explain. Then he would have to admit to her that he was this affected by it, that he was this damn weak. Maybe she would even laugh at him, or at least she would think he was weird. And he couldn't go to her now, she had already said good night to him. She didn't want him to bother her.

He picked up his phone instead. Maybe he could just call someone. But who? He went through his short contact list. But there was no one. And when he saw that he still had the number for Grammy's nursing home saved it just made him feel more worse. No, there wasn't anyone for him to call. He stared for a while at Harvey's number. He wondered what the older man would say if Mike did call him, at 23:17 at night. He also didn't know what he would tell Harvey. That he felt bad? That he thought that his heart was going to burst out of his chest from beating so hard? Or that he felt so damn lonely and sad?

It was all out of the question. He would never do that. He couldn't. Harvey would probably talk to him, but he wouldn't want to deal with his problems, not really. Harvey had already done so much for him. Harvey had paid the ransom. Harvey had faced those men and had been his normal self even though he had had a bunch of guns pointed at him. Harvey had helped him a lot after that as well. He had comforted him, stayed with him at the hospital and had let him stay at his place. He had done enough. Mike shouldn't bother him. Harvey would probably be pissed at him if he called this late and he couldn't have that. He just wished that he could have called anyway.

He put the phone away again and slowly laid down. He curled up a bit and pressed his back against the back of the couch and tried to will his heart to slow down. He was tired but couldn't get himself to close his eyes. Hours must have passed, and Mike didn't feel better at all. He just couldn't relax. He went up from the couch at one point and found himself just walking around the living room. It was close to three in the morning.

He started to feel hungry again but didn't dare to go and get something to eat. He couldn't do that at three in the morning at Donna's house. It was just weird, and he wasn't going to do that. But it just felt worse and worse. He hadn't gotten anything to eat when he had been held captive either.

Would she be angry if he took something? He didn't know, and it felt hard to think clearly. He felt himself shaking as he walked over to the kitchen. He just needed something. If just he took a little of something, Donna wouldn't notice it. He had tears in his eyes by the time he got to the refrigerator. He just needed something to eat. He was so hungry, and Donna had a lot of food. He gulped down a few cocktail tomatoes and was holding a carton of milk when he heard a sound behind him.

"Mike?"

He turned around so quickly that he slammed his hand that was holding the carton against the refrigerator door. He dropped it.

"Oh my god!" Donna exclaimed as they both watched how the milk spread out all over the floor.

Mike stood as frozen. It felt like he couldn't breathe, he felt so tense. Donna bent down and got the milk carton up, but it back in the fridge and got some paper and started to clean it up. Mike just stood there.

He didn't know why he felt so much panic. He felt truly scared and had to really focus to not break down totally. Damn it, it was just some milk. She had startled him, and he had dropped it, he tried to reason logically, but a bunch of other thoughts just got in the way. She would be angry, she would yell at him, she would throw him out.

"I'm…I'm sorry." He eventually got out. Donna was still on the floor cleaning up his mess. He should be doing that, but he couldn't get himself to move. "I'm sorry." He said again. "I'm sorry Donna." His voice broke a little. She looked up at him, and then quickly stood up, so quickly that he backed a few steps. He couldn't meet her eyes.

"No, Mike. It's okay. Sweetie, it's okay. It's just a little milk."

"I'm sorry." Mike repeated. He didn't know what else to say. "Sorry." He felt so pathetic now.

"Mike…" She came towards him and he backed into the wall; she didn't care though.

"Come here." She said and held out her arms for him. He stood stiff as she wrapped her arms around him. She shushed him and stroked his back. Like he was a little boy.

-SUITS-

Donna didn't know if what she was doing right now was the right thing to do. She actually didn't know. Not that she would admit that. Mike was still just standing there, shaking and not making any attempts at hugging her back. She decided to try and hold him a little while longer.

She didn't know what it was that had woken her at three in the morning, but she had. This was the reason, she now realized. Mike had needed her. She had walked out into the living room and found the couch empty. Worry rushed up in her immediately. Where was he? Then she heard a sound from the kitchen. Relief flooded over her as she found Mike standing in front of the fridge, just putting down a package of cocktail tomatoes. He must have been hungry. She smiled a little to herself and stepped closer. His whole body jerked when she said his name. She could see terror in his eyes as the milk carton ended up on the floor. Mike did no attempt to pick it up again, so she took care of that.

She knew that things were terribly wrong as she heard Mike apologizing, not once or twice but five times. His whole body was shaking, and he was panting where he stood. Something was so terribly wrong with him.

"It's okay Mike. It's okay." She whispered in his ear as she hugged him. Eventually he calmed down a little and she let him go.

"Are you okay?" She wanted to know. Her heart bled for him when he refused to meet her eyes.

"I was just hungry." He said. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to apologizing for. Nothing at all. Are you still hungry then?"

He nodded towards the floor.

"Would you like me to make you a sandwich then?" She tried to catch his eyes and was a bit surprised as he shook his head.

"No sandwich." He mumbled. "I can't."

Okay. No sandwiches from now on. She needed to remember that. She turned back to the fridge and opened it. "How about the rest of the tomatoes and some hot chocolate?"

To her relief Mike agreed to that. She directed him to sit down at the table and soon they were sitting opposite of each other, both with a cup of hot chocolate and Mike with the tomatoes. Mike still hadn't met her eyes, but he ate the tomatoes.

"Mike, can I ask you something?"

"Yeah."

"Why can't you eat sandwiches?"

He froze in a movement and then finally locked eyes with her. He shrugged a little.

"You know, when I was kidnapped?" He then said. She nodded.

"That was the only thing they gave me to eat. They threw it on the floor in front of me. I was bound so it was kind of difficult to eat it. I left the parts that was touching the floor." He hesitated a little but then continued. "They didn't like that I did that, so they came over, sat me up and wanted me to eat the rest. When I refused, they forced me to."

He looked up at her again. Donna felt a little ill.

"Oh, Mike. I'm so sorry."

They had forced him to eat stuff from the floor. He had been forced to eat from the floor. It was just awful. No wonder the younger man refused to eat sandwiches. Then she remembered something.

"Oh god! I've given you multiple sandwiches. I'm so sorry Mike."

"No, it's fine. It's okay. I appreciated that; I really did. I just… I didn't eat them. It just reminds me too much of…"

"Of course, it does. I'm so sorry. You should have told me."

"Yeah."

"I'm so sorry it happened to you."

Mike nodded. He felt a bit calmer now. The hot chocolate made wonders. He smiled a little towards her. She was so nice to him.

"Thanks for letting me stay here."

"Of course, Mike, you can stay as long as you want."

"That means a lot."

"Are you ready to go back to bed?" Donna asked after a while.

"Yeah, sure."

She followed him back to the couch and stayed next to it as he laid down. She had a look of determination on her face and Mike waited, slightly nervous.

"Mike, do you mind if I stay here for a bit?" She asked.

"No, I don't mind."

"I thought I would just sit here and read for a bit. That hot chocolate will keep me up for a while now."

He watched as she sat down on a chair next to the window and picked up a book. He knew what she was doing. This was for his sake. He felt so grateful. He watched her until his eyes fell close, when he forced them opened again, she was still sitting there.

Donna didn't leave until she was sure that he was sleeping.

-SUITS-