Chapter 22.
Two nights and two days Mike had been gone now. Harvey felt so damn guilty. It was all on him. He had messed up again and Mike was yet again paying the price. Maybe Donna was right. They should call the police. Mike might even have done something stupid. Harvey didn't want to go that way, but it was a possibility. The kid might feel like he's all alone, he had said that he feels like crap already. Might this have pushed him over the edge?
He went to search for Donna.
He told her what he had found out and she listened in silence. Harvey carefully voiced his fears about Mike doing something awful.
"No, he is not like that. He wouldn't do that, Harvey. He is out there somewhere. I just know it."
"He's all alone Donna. No family or friends, no one to turn to. And he is carrying around all that shit from the kidnapping…"
"No, Harvey. We must have missed something." Donna looked close to tears.
"Well Donna, where can he be then? We have looked everywhere possible. I'm actually glad Trevor was a dead end, but where the hell is he? Should we just call the cops now?"
Donna looked out of the window towards the city, her eyes shiny. She was quiet for a while.
"I just had an idea." She said then. "Picture this, Mike is incredibly distressed. He feels totally betrayed by you, he is feeling like shit and is scared."
"Are you getting anywhere with this?" Harvey asked and clenched his jaw. Hearing Donna say things like that hurt.
She nodded a little, still not looking at him.
"You said it yourself. What about his family? He must be looking for somewhere safe to go, and what do most people do then? They turn to their family."
"What the hell are you talking about Donna? You know he doesn't have any."
She turned to look at him then. She had something else in her gaze now.
"No living family, I know. But that doesn't mean he can't go to them."
Harvey found himself closing his eyes for just a moment. Then he opened them and nodded.
"Find out where they are buried. I'm going." He walked out of his office heading for the elevator. He placed a call to Ray. He needed to fix this.
Donna texted him an address even before he reached the car. It was close to an hours drive out into the suburbs. It was quite a lot of traffic and Harvey swore at it. When they finally arrived, Harvey noticed that the cemetery was a large one, but it was beautiful. It consisted of rows and rows of graves with planted trees and a few hills. At first glance he didn't see anyone there. There were no cars on the parking lot. He told Ray to wait and got out. He walked in through the small wooden gate and started searching for his lost associate.
Some part of him wished that he wouldn't find Mike here. It was just too tragic, and he would rather find Mike at some bar drinking his head off. But he had a feeling that this was the place.
It turned out that he walked in the wrong direction at first and he ended up in an area with older graves, dated back at least eighty years. He was almost at the end of the site and started to walk in the other direction.
And there, thank god, there he was! Just in front of a small pine tree, up on a hill, in front of three graves was a hunched figure sitting on the ground. Harvey would recognize Mike's features anywhere. He got out his phone and sent a text to Donna, letting her know that he had found the kid. She answered immediately.
Thank god, is he okay? Make sure he is! Take care of him.
Harvey answered that Mike at least looked okay, and that he was going to make everything alright.
You better
Was the only reply he got.
He slowly and quietly started to make his way up to Mike. He didn't want to risk him taking off again. He stopped when he was just a few meters away from Mike.
"I've been looking everywhere for you." He said. Mike must have heard him coming, but he didn't move. Instead he huffed.
"And look, it took you less than four days to find me this time."
Harvey closed his eyes a bit, glad that Mike still had his back against him. Yes, Mike, only two days this time, he thought to himself.
"I am so sorry Mike. I screwed up big time."
"Yes, you did." Mike said.
Harvey remained silent for a while, waiting to see if Mike had anything else to say. He studied the kid closer. Mike had on the same clothes as he had the last time he had seen him.
"Have you been here this whole time?" He asked.
"Yeah." Mike said.
"For two nights? Have you even been eating?" He exclaimed.
Mike shrugged, confirming Harvey's fears. He looked in front of the kid towards the gravestones the kid sat in front of. James, Nina and Edith Ross. Mike's whole family. Mike had spent all this time sitting on the ground next to his family.
Harvey felt how his eyes burned a little. He blinked.
"Mike. Let me take you home."
"No." Mike said.
"Please kid, let me make it up to you."
"I said no. I'm not leaving." Mike's voice shook a little now and Harvey clenched his fist together.
He didn't know what to do now. He couldn't just leave the kid here, but he couldn't force him with him either. For a moment he just stood there and forced himself to take in the devastating scene in front of him. Then he made his decision. He stepped forward and sat down right on the ground in his damn suit, next to Mike.
Mike looked at him then, just for a moment. His eyes were bloodshot, and he had tears in them. He looked exhausted and a bit surprised. He turned away again.
For a few minutes they just sat like that, next to each other, in silence in front of the graves of Mike's family.
Harvey had his eyes turned against the inscription on Mike's mothers grave. Mike had only been eleven when she died. He could hear how Mike's breaths started to get faster after a little while. They started hitching as Mike cried. He didn't make any other sounds. Harvey wondered how much he had cried since he got here. Two days was a long time.
Harvey experimentally scotched a bit closer to the younger man. Mike didn't move. Harvey didn't stop until they were almost shoulder to shoulder. Mike remained stiff next to him. Harvey then placed his arm around Mike's back, he almost removed it again when Mike's whole body tensed, and he turned his head away from Harvey. Was this too much, considering what he had been through? But Mike didn't move anymore, so Harvey took that as an okay to leave his arm there.
A few minutes passed like that. Harvey's thoughts rushed around in his head. He remembered the time he met Edith Ross, and he thought about that time when they had a case with a kid that had driven while high, and how upset it had left Mike. He wondered what Nina Ross had been like, and what James Ross would have thought of him sitting here like this with his son.
Mike was starting to relax just a little bit, and Harvey decided to try something else. He gently started to pull Mike against him, expecting the kid to push back, but somewhat to his surprise Mike followed along with his movement and leaned into him. Mike rested his head along his neck and Harvey squeezed his shoulder a little.
He was a bit surprised again when Mike started to cry again, Harvey had somehow thought that he was getting better. But now, Mike's whole frame shook with sobs and Harvey had to hold on to him slightly harder. They just sat there. Harvey let Mike cry, he just waited.
He was just starting to get worried, it had been so long, when Mike tried to speak between his sobs.
"Calm down. Take a few deep breaths." Harvey quietly told him. Mike followed his advice and a few minutes later he had calmed down enough to say what he wanted. His voice was hoarse, but Harvey clearly heard what he said. It yet again destroyed something inside him.
"I'm going to pay you back. I promise, Harvey, I promise. Please, just don't blame me."
Harvey felt how his whole body almost jerked, hearing those words. What the hell? He pushed Mike harshly away but then grabbed on to both of his shoulder's. He shook the younger man, not once or twice but three times.
"What the hell are you talking about?!" He almost screamed. "Mike!"
He stopped when Mike let out a whimper. He let go when he looked into Mike's eyes and only saw terror there. He held up his hands. Shit, what was he doing? Mike's whole body was shaking, and he had his lips tightly pressed together.
"Mike…" He swallowed and had to start over. "Mike, I never want you to pay me back. Never." He shook his head to emphasize it. "I should never have said that to you. Never. I was a fucking asshole. I'm so sorry."
Mike just sat there, trembling and looking at him. Harvey waited. Mike adverted his eyes and looked down. Then he spoke again.
"I thought you wouldn't look for me this time. I didn't think you would come. At first I didn't want you to." He looked over to the gravestones. "But then I did."
He pulled his knees up and threw his arms around them and rested his head on top of his arms. He started to cry again. Harvey stared at him, trying to will himself to wake up from his somewhat shocked state. He pulled himself together and started to crawl over towards Mike. He just wrapped his arms around the shaking frame and pressed him against himself. He had never done this for another person before, but he wanted to do it for Mike. He just wanted to make it all better for the kid, he wanted to get those crushing feelings out of Mike.
What had just happened? It had been the opposite of what he had thought. He had believed all this time that Mike was furious at him, and that was why he stayed away, instead Mike had been consumed with what Harvey had told him that day. Mike had promised him to pay him back the ransom. How sick was that? Mike must have thought that it was something that bothered Harvey, did he even think that he owed him now? That Harvey had invested so much money into getting him back, but now he was regretting it? Blaming the kid for losing all that money.
That was what he had said. You are the one that cost me a million dollars! That was what he had told Mike. No wonder the kid was still crying like this. He had thought Harvey didn't think it had been worth it, that he regretted it. Blamed him. Like Harvey would just ignore everything that Mike had been though in the process.
Now he had offered to pay it back, pay it back just so that Harvey wouldn't blame him anymore. It must have been awful for the kid these two days, living with that thought.
"Mike. You are my family."
He whispered in the kids' ear, but loud enough so that he was sure that Mike could hear him.
"I couldn't care less about that money. I would have given all that I had to get you back. I would have done anything they asked for. You are my guy. I'm so sorry you got hurt because of me."
Mike had stilled a bit in his arms. He was listening, so Harvey continued.
"I would give anything to make it undone. I should have listened to you that day, in the elevator when you were talking about them stalking me. I just brushed you off, if I hadn't, if I had taken it more seriously right away, it might never have happened. They might never have taken you. It's on me. It's all on me. I'll will always blame myself for that."
Mike raised his head then to look at him.
"I don't want you to blame yourself." He said. "You got me out of there."
"Too late!"
Mike nodded now and Harvey held on to him a little harder.
"I'm not over it." Mike said then in a low but clear voice. "I pretend that I am, but I'm not. I have nightmares every night, so I barely sleep. I… I don't want to be at my place. Just the thought of being there scares the shit out of me. And I'm scared of the fucking dark now. I'm…I…I feel scared all the time, Harvey. I don't know why. Something is wrong with me. I think about it all the time. Even here. I was afraid they would find me again."
"Oh kid." Harvey whispered.
"I want you to help me." Mike said then. "You said that first night that everything would be okay. That's what you said. But it's not Harvey, and I don't know what to do. You said you were there for me. And I want you to be. I have no one else!" Mike waved towards the gravestones. He was breathing shakily and had his eyes locked at the closest grave.
"Mike, listen to me." Harvey began.
He waited for a bit to see if Mike would meet his eyes, but he didn't. So, Harvey gently placed his hand along Mike's face and pressed a little to turn his head. Mike's reaction shocked him.
The kid yelled and pushed Harvey away before starting to crawl backwards away from him. Nina Ross's gravestone stopped him. He panted and looked at Harvey with wild eyes.
Harvey had no idea what was happening and just held up his hands in the air.
"Mike, calm down. Mike, please, what is it, what's wrong?"
Mike stared straight at him, but it was like he wasn't really there.
"Mike!" He yelled and yet again the kid flinched as he had been hit.
"Har-Harvey." He mumbled as the awareness returned to his eyes.
"Yes, kid. It's me. What's going on?"
Mike was shaking where he was pressed against the headstone.
"Mike, what happened?"
"You…you touched me." He said.
Harvey felt dread starting to grow more than ever before inside him. Oh god no.
"I'm sorry." He got out. "But Mike, what…?"
"I don't know, you placed your hand… Just like he did."
Harvey shook his head. "Who?"
"That guy. He did it just like you did. I don't know…I just… I was just back there." Mike was panting and talking fast, his eyes fixed on a point behind Harvey.
"I'm so sorry." Harvey repeated. He wanted to ask Mike something, but he didn't know if it would make it all so much worse. But he just had to know.
"Mike…" His mouth felt so dry. The kid was looking at him now. "Mike, can I ask you something?"
"Yeah…"
"Did….eh…Did they touch you in any other way while you were….?" He swallowed hard, wishing with all his heart for a negative answer. Please.
Mike didn't move a muscle. He sat as frozen, still pressed against his mother's grave. Harvey's heart almost stopped when he nodded the next moment. He felt like he was about to throw up.
He shook his head. "What… What…?" He couldn't get out the words. He jerked a little when Mike moved, he started to stand up. Harvey quickly got on his feet as well.
"Not here. Not in front of them. I can't, not here." Mike whispered.
Harvey just nodded. He offered out his hand for the younger man and pulled him all the way up. He had to steady the kid when he swayed and with a last look at the gravestones Mike started walking down the hill. At first Harvey just stood there and looked after him, almost dreading following him. But then he too looked down at the gravestones. He didn't know why he spoke, but it felt like the right thing to do.
"I'll take care of him. You have my word."
He swallowed hard, nodded once at them and followed after Mike.
Mike sat down on a bench so that they still had a view of his family. Harvey sat down next to him. Close.
Mike was quiet for a long time.
"You want to tell me what happened?" Harvey carefully asked. His mouth was dry.
Mike shook his head. "Not really."
Harvey didn't say anything else. He wasn't sure he wanted to hear this.
"It wasn't really that bad." Mike started then with a quiet voice. "Or it didn't get that far. But I still can't get it out of my mind. What he did. What he might have done, if…"
Mike paused again and Harvey felt how he had tensed. He glanced at Mike and saw that he had his gaze locked at the gravestones further up the hill. He just waited, his heart beating hard in his chest.
"I was tied up, my arms and legs. I was on my stomach on the floor. I think it was late evening or night, it was dark anyway. It was always dark. They didn't leave any lights on in the room where they kept me. But I heard this guy come in, I was hoping they would give me something to eat or drink, I was so thirsty. But this guy he sat down on the floor beside me and that was when I knew he wasn't there to feed me. He had the light on his phone on, placed it next to me on the floor. It was the guy that barely spoke English."
Mike paused now. Harvey didn't say anything, he just waited. Mike had tears in his eyes, but it was like he didn't care or maybe he hadn't noticed it. His gaze was still locked at the same spot.
"He said I was pretty and then he…he stroked my cheek. I tried to get him off me, I screamed at him, but… but he had knife." Mike shuttered a little and blinked a few times. He looked around him a bit before looking down at the paved gravel in front of them.
"He grabbed my neck and pressed my head into the floor. Then he grabbed my th-throat and squeezed. I said that he wouldn't get any money for me if I was dead, but he said that he wouldn't kill me. He told me to stay still, pressed the knife to my throat. He cut me too. I don't know why he did that, maybe to scare me or something. Show me he was serious."
Mike paused again. He had started to tremble and once again his gaze was locked like before. One of his hands came up and rested against the faded scar on his neck, probably unconsciously. Some part of Harvey wanted him to stop. He didn't want to hear Mike say these words. He didn't want to know that this had happened to his associate. He had already heard about the horrible conditions Mike had been kept in, but now this as well.
"It worked. I was scared, so I stayed still after that. I didn't want him cut me again." Mike looked at him now, with pleading eyes, like he tried to explain, like he wanted Harvey to say that it was the right thing to do. So, he tried.
"Of course, Mike. Of course, you didn't. I saw the cut; it was quite deep."
Mike nodded a few times and wiped his eyes. "Yeah…" He whispered.
"Anyway, he kept the knife there, pressed against my throat. And then he… he started stroking my hair, my neck and my shoulders and arms. He pushed my shirt up and you know, touched my back. I begged him to stop. I didn't want…" Mike's voice broke a little. He stopped talking for a long time and Harvey didn't dare to move or speak.
"He did stop, or I thought he did because he pulled my shirt back down, but he started to touch me again but this time… you know…ehm… lower." Mike got quiet. He kept quiet for so long that Harvey started to panic slightly because he wasn't prepared yet to answer him.
"I don't know how long he touched me. It felt like it was going on for a long, long time, but it might just have been a minute. I kept asking him to stop. I begged him. Like… He didn't listen though. But then this other guy came into the room and he stopped, but before he stood up, he said next time to me. You know, so I was… I was s-so af-afraid that he would come back. Because I didn't want that…"
Mike's voice was shaking just as much as his body now.
"Of course, you didn't…" Harvey whispered, feeling ill.
Harvey wanted to reassure him more, but he felt that Mike wasn't done yet.
"Anyway, the guy that came into the room got mad and I think he even hit that guy who touched me. He left after that and the guy who interrupted was still there. I didn't know what he would do, but he just checked the wound on my throat and told me I would live. Then he just stood there, I didn't know what he wanted, but he thought I was cold. I guess I was shaking so much, but I wasn't cold. He gave me a blanket though. Then he just left."
Mike leaned forward now and pressed his hands hard against his face. He was still shaking. Harvey wanted to lay a hand on his shoulder to comfort him but didn't think that was the right thing to do now. He thought of what Mike had just told him. Thought of the kid laying on a concrete floor, bound, with a knife pressed against his throat and being touched like that. He was extremely grateful that nothing else had happened, but this was horrible enough. He couldn't shake to thought of laying helpless like that, being forced to endure. And Mike, with his memory, it must be so much worse for him. Harvey was pretty sure that the events of that night was repeating itself in Mike's head over and over right now.
"Mike." He said and watched how the kid jerked next to him, almost as if Mike had forgotten that Harvey was there.
"I'm so sorry this happened to you. I can't imagine… I'm so sorry."
Mike nodded a little and sat up straighter again. "I know it wasn't that bad, but I can't get it out of my mind sometimes. Sometimes it feels like I still have his hands on me! And the knife."
Harvey nodded. "It must be awful." He said. There was a pause, then Harvey spoke again. "Thanks for telling me, kid. I think it was good that you did. You shouldn't keep things like that inside you."
Mike glared at him now. "Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do!" He exclaimed.
Harvey held up his hands. "Okay. Sorry."
"And stop saying you're sorry!"
"Alright, fine. What do you want me to say then?"
"I don't know!" Mike drew a hand threw his hair in frustration. "I want you to tell me that it wasn't anything else I could have done! I want you to tell me that I was stuck, that I did the right thing when I didn't fight him more. Fuck!"
His eyes yet again flooded over, and he wiped his eyes almost violently. Harvey leaned forward and grabbed his arm, rather hard and pulled Mike towards him so that they were facing each other. Mike resisted at first.
"It wasn't anything else you could have done!" Harvey exclaimed. "You did all you could Mike! But you were bound, you were on the ground and he held you at knife point! What the hell else could you have done? You would have gotten your throat slit if you would have moved! You couldn't fight him off. You did all you could."
Harvey tipped Mike's head up towards him, so that their eyes met.
"You understand?" He asked forcefully. Mike was silent for a long time, biting his lip.
But then much to Harvey's relief he nodded. For a moment there, he had been afraid that he had reacted too harsh.
"That's what I've been struggling with the most about that. I just feel like shit when I think about it." Mike said. "I think that I should have done more to resist him, but I couldn't." The last part of his sentence was hesitant.
"That's right, you couldn't. The scar where he cut you is still there, Mike. You did all you could."
"Yeah?" Mike whispered.
"Yes! Look, he hurt you. A lot, but you did what you had to, so that it didn't get worse. It was smart. You hear me? You have no blame in it. You did the right thing, all you could."
He was repeating himself, but Harvey didn't care. He wanted this imprinted in Mike's head, so that no other thoughts of him blaming himself for not doing more to stop his assault would grow there. God, Mike had been sexually assaulted while bound and totally helpless. It was sickening. Harvey felt his own familiar guilt deepen some, if not a whole lot. The rage towards those people for doing this to his associate deepened as well.
"Yeah, I couldn't have done much else, could I?" Mike said now, quietly. "Even if he didn't have the knife. It wasn't like I could run away. He would have just held me down, and…"
"Exactly" Harvey interrupted. "Stop beating yourself up about that."
"Yeah, thanks Harvey." He got quiet after that and Harvey noticed then that he still was holding on to the kid. He let him go and awkwardly patted Mike's arm a little. For a minute or so they sat quietly next to each other, but then Mike spoke again.
"I really didn't want to tell you about this, but I think that maybe you are right. I think it was good that I did. I don't think it would have been that…healthy for me, to keep it in much longer."
"Yeah, I agree."
"I just didn't know how to tell you earlier. And nothing really happened, so I was afraid that you would just tell me that. That nothing happened anyway, he just touched me a bit."
"That's not nothing Mike, that's a violation, you know it is."
Mike nodded. "Yeah…" He whispered.
"I'm so sorry it happened. That he did that to you." Harvey said then.
"Thank you." Mike looked up at him then and smiled a little, it didn't reach his eyes, but it was an attempt at least. Harvey smiled back at him.
"Don't hold out on telling me things Mike. Remember I told you that once, you tell me everything."
"You didn't tell me that, you yelled it in my face." Mike smirked a bit.
"Fine, so this isn't exactly the same situation then, but you get what I mean right. You can come to me, with everything, I'm here."
Mike nodded. "Thanks."
Harvey hesitated a moment, but then pulled Mike towards him in a sideways hug. Mike didn't seem to mind, instead he laughed a little and Harvey felt how for a moment the kid leaned into him a little. That felt good, like he had succeeded with something. For a while they stayed like that, Harvey refused to be the first to pull away. He could feel how Mike started to relax against him, and Harvey let him just rest against him. It felt like it was a good thing to do, to just sit like that next to each other. He hoped that it helped Mike in some way. The younger man pulled away a few minutes later. Harvey straightened a bit and glanced at the kid. He didn't look that well and Harvey felt partly responsible for that.
"Look Mike," Harvey started. "What do you say about heading out of here? We could go and grab something to eat. You look like you need it. Then you can come and stay with me."
To his relief Mike agreed, and Harvey led him to the car. He wasn't that surprised when Mike fell asleep after just a few minutes into the car ride. Harvey had turned up the heat. He took the opportunity to update Donna on what had happened. He chose to just text her, he didn't want to risk waking Mike up. She answered right away and told him to call her as soon as he could.
Harvey decided to take them to a restaurant he knew and liked. It was usually quiet at this time and he guessed Mike would appreciate that right now. The drive there took them a while and Mike stayed asleep the entire time. Harvey hesitated just a moment before reaching out to shake him awake after they had stopped.
Mike jerked and reflexively threw out his hands as Harvey first touch his shoulder. For a moment he looked terrified, but then his eyes focused on Harvey.
"Are…are we there?" He asked.
"Yes, we are going to get something to eat."
"Okay." Mike said and stumbled out of the car ahead of Harvey, who followed him.
Harvey chose a table at the back of the restaurant with a view of a small garden. Mike sat there looking out the window until the waiter came to take their order. Harvey just ordered for the both of them and Mike didn't complain. Harvey watched the man in front of him as they then waited for the food. Mike looked exhausted where he sat, blinking slowly with all his attention directed out the window. Harvey wondered what was on his mind. He knew what was on his and had been the entire ride over here. He couldn't get Mike's story out of his head. He couldn't get the image that Mike had painted out of his head, of him bound on the floor with some guy touching him. He hadn't known that had happened; Mike hadn't told him at all earlier. He had mentioned nothing about it, not that Harvey blamed him for that. Of course, Mike wouldn't want to talk about it. But it had happened, and it was something Mike now had to live with, Harvey too.
"So, did you really spend two nights out there?" Harvey asked, he needed to break the silence.
Mike slowly turned his head towards him.
"Yeah…" He said quietly. "I didn't know where else to go. I just wanted to see them. And then I stayed."
"Why didn't you go to Donna? She told me that you have been sleeping there?"
Mike shrugged a little. "I just couldn't." He said. "I just felt like shit and I didn't want to bring that to her. She's been really good to me."
Harvey nodded. "If you rather want to stay with her, I can take you there instead." He said.
Mike looked down. "Did you change your mind?" He asked. "About me staying with you?"
"No, I didn't. But if you prefer Donna's place, it's okay."
Mike nodded but didn't say anything, just looked out of the window. He coughed a little in his hand and wiped his forehead a bit. Now when Harvey looked at him again, he could see more clearly that Mike didn't look that well. He looked exhausted and he had dark circles around his eyes, but at the same time his face looked a bit flushed. Was he sick? Harvey wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.
Mike kept staring out the window, and he didn't answer when Harvey asked him if he was hungry, so Harvey left him alone for a bit. The food arrived and they hadn't spoken at all. Harvey felt shaken up about everything that had happened today. Or rather about everything that had happened during the last two days. He had been so worried in his search for Mike. Then he found him, heard what Mike had to say and now he felt even worse.
Mike had been through hell. It had been so much worse that Harvey had thought. And Mike was still in it. He still relived it, he still suffered from it. The conversation they had had after Mike told him about his assault had been a good one. Harvey thought that he had been able to convince Mike that he had done everything he could. He hadn't been able to do more than he had. He just hoped Mike believed it.
-SUITS-