Chapter 23.
He had told Harvey everything. He had just told him. He didn't know when he had decided to do that, but now he didn't regret it. At least not yet. At that moment when Harvey had asked if they had touched him in any way a war had been going on in his head. One side had wanted him to shut up and deny everything just so that he wouldn't have to share what had really happened. He didn't want Harvey to know. It was so humiliating, he felt so ashamed. But then the other part of him had won, the part that needed to get it out. The part that needed to tell someone about it or he would burst.
He didn't regret his decision. Sure, he felt humiliated, weak and pathetic. Both when he told it and now afterwards, but he didn't regret it, because Harvey had helped. He had said stuff that Mike had wanted to hear, things that he had needed to hear. It was hard to really believe that what Harvey had said was really the truth, but he was willing to try to think that it was.
Harvey had said that he didn't blame him. He had said that he had done everything that he had could. He had been tied up; he hadn't been able to do anything. He had been held at knife point. It had felt kind of good to tell someone about it. It had taken up so much space in his brain lately, and now it was like some of that place had been cleared. Like it was a bit more space there now. He didn't know if it was a good thing or not yet. He just felt so tired at the moment. It was almost a bit hard to care, or to even think.
He was glad that Harvey had offered him to come and stay with him again. He just couldn't go home, and honestly, he felt embarrassed about going to Donna again. But Harvey had been nice. He had listened and told Mike some good things. What bothered him though was that when Mike had asked for help Harvey hadn't answered. He worried about that now. Sure, he had kind of freaked out just after that, but they hadn't talked any more about it afterwards. But Harvey had hugged him. That had felt nice, it had comforted him more than he was prepared for. It kind of had felt like what he had been looking for when he came to see his parents and Grammy. He had been looking for comfort and Harvey had come and given it to him.
He still felt unsure though. He couldn't forget what Harvey had said earlier. He just couldn't. Everything about it being his fault that the money was gone. Harvey had blamed him. It wasn't something he could just forget about, whatever Harvey said. What if he just said that because he felt sorry for Mike. Because of what he had been through.
His mind wandered over to the concreate floor. He couldn't snap out of it; he was too tired to fight against it. He could hear Harvey saying something but couldn't make it out what it was. His mind felt so clouded.
He thought back at that moment two days ago. They had fought as they had walked down the corridor. Harvey had been wrong, and Mike tried to get him to realize that. He had said some things he shouldn't have, because then Harvey had said those devastating words.
You are the one that cost me a million dollars.
When Harvey said that it was like something broke inside of him. It was like a huge part of him that barely was holding it together as it was, just shattered into a million pieces.
No. It couldn't be the truth. Harvey didn't mean that. But the older man had sounded so angry. He must really mean it then. The whole conversation was etched into his mind. It had been short and intense and then he had fled.
He just ran to get away from Harvey as fast as he could. He couldn't stand to be close to him, the words from Harvey was destroying him. Harvey regretted it. Harvey regretted paying for him. It was all he could think of at that time.
He found himself running down a street, his lungs burning, and he didn't know where he was. He had to stop and lean against a wall to catch his breath. He still had tears in his eyes. It took a lot of effort to keep it together then. He didn't know what to do or where to go. He felt ill.
He started walking again. He didn't want to risk Harvey catching up to him. He ignored it when his phone rang. He walked with his head turned down, he couldn't face anyone. But the longer he walked the more exposed he felt. He didn't want to be here. But where should he go?
Harvey's place and the office were out of the question. He considered Donna's place, but he didn't have a key, and besides, Harvey could find him there. He did not want to see him.
He was out of options then. He refused to go to his own place, he wasn't going to set his foot back there ever again. But where would he go?
Somehow, he was aware that he wasn't thinking all that clearly, but he didn't care. He was out of options. He didn't he any friends. No friends he could just show up at and ask for help. He had nowhere to turn. His family was gone as well. They couldn't help him. He almost burst out into tears right there on the sidewalk at the thought of them. What if Grammy still had been alive? She would have helped him. She would have hugged him and comforted him. Told him that it would be fine, that he could get over this. But she was dead and buried and couldn't help him at all. The longing for her just grew. She would never have blamed him like Harvey had.
Harvey had blamed him for losing the money. Like it had been his fault he got kidnapped. Harvey just ignored everything he had gone through because of that. Everything they had done to him. Everything he was going through as a result of it. How could he do that?
He harshly wiped his face with both hands. He jerked and backed several steps as he looked up and saw an older couple standing right there on the street in front of him. They were standing there, arm in arm looking at him with concern.
"Is everything alright with you, young man?" The woman asked.
Mike just stared at them. His parents had used to walk like that, arm in arm. Mike had thought that it looked unpractical, like they both were holding the other back when they walked. He had pointed it out once when he was about nine years old, but his mother had just laughed at him and smiled towards his father, and they had continued to walk.
The older couple in front of him now looked at each other and back at him. He noticed that he was shaking. The he pushed himself past them and started running again. He didn't know what he was doing. He just needed to get away.
He was going to break down, he could feel it. He needed to find a place where he wouldn't be disturbed. Somewhere safe. That was when he thought of the graveyard.
He felt like in a daze the whole way over there. He was sitting on the bus staring out of the window, and the whole time everything was just rushing around in his head. The conversation with Harvey, his parents, the kidnapping, the concrete floor, the nightmares, the feeling of being all alone.
He got off the bus and walked almost mechanically over to the place where his family was buried. He stopped in front of the three stones and just stood there. For a moment he wished he could join them.
Tears flowed down his face, he felt himself shaking. He heavily sank to his knees and just stood like that. When his knees started to hurt, he sat down right there on the ground. His eyes wandered between his parents two gravestones and his grandmothers. At some point he started to cry harsher. He just let it out. He didn't care how it made him look, no one was there to see him anyway.
For a long time, he sat there. It was starting to get dark. His phone had rung a few times and eventually he had angrily turned it off. The darker it got the shittier and more scared he felt. He felt exposed and moved closer to the stones. It was to dark now to see the inscriptions. The dark reminded him so much about that room where he had been held. He buried his head in his arms and closed his eyes to not have to see it. What if someone found him here? What if they took him back there?
He was freezing and hungry, but he still didn't move from his spot. He had nowhere else to go, so what was the point? He had a pretty bad headache too and just wanted to pass out. It took hours before he did. He slept restlessly for short periods at the time. He woke in terror from nightmares and he might have screamed out loud. After the first time he wished that he was back at Donna's place. He considered going there. She would take him in, he knew that. She was probably worried about him. But he would have to explain everything then. He would have to tell her about what Harvey had said. He was afraid that she would try and defend Harvey, that she would be on Harvey's side rather than his. And he didn't want to explain how much Harvey's words had hurt him. Besides he couldn't get himself to get up and walk through the dark. Besides he didn't think any busses went this time of day. He could call a cab. He should. This was stupid.
He almost left. But then he got to thinking about Harvey. Harvey had tried to call him. Harvey would want to talk to him, but Mike did not want to see his boss at all. Harvey had said that Mike was the one who cost him a million dollars. Harvey blamed him. It hurt so much that he couldn't move. He had been afraid of that, that Harvey would somehow hold it against him. He had gotten himself kidnapped, and then couldn't get out of it, so Harvey had been forced to help him.
A million dollars. It was a huge amount of money. He thought that maybe what Harvey had said might just have been something that the man had said in anger. But what had been the aim? To hurt him? To make him remember that he owed Harvey? Why else would he say it? He didn't understand.
But what if it really was what Harvey was feeling? That Mike owed him now after Harvey paid to get him free. Did Harvey expect him to pay it back? That was crazy. He couldn't mean that, right?
He didn't have the answers of any of the questions. He didn't understand Harvey. He felt angry at the older man. How could he say that? It was so mean. Harvey knew what he had been through, he knew but he still said those things. He switched between feeling angry and feeling betrayed and hurt. It messed him up. It was an awful night.
The next day he spent pretty much the same way as the day before. He couldn't get himself to get up. His mind didn't slow down for one second, it was like it trapped him. He just sat there, frozen in the same position for hours. At times he nodded off a bit and fell asleep, but every time, he had nightmares. He cried again after a particularly bad one. At that moment he desperately wished for someone to come and help him. Or at least to keep him company. He didn't want to deal with it on his own.
He pulled out his phone and turned it on again. He had missed calls from both Harvey and Donna. His fingers hovered over Harvey's number even before he knew what he was doing. He wanted to call Harvey and ask him to come and help him. He didn't press the button though. He couldn't get himself to do it. What if Harvey said no?
He wished that they would call him instead. Why couldn't they be the ones that found him. He wished that Harvey would come. Before he hadn't wanted Harvey to even speak to him, but now, all he wanted was for Harvey to come and get him.
He picked up his phone again and stared at the screen. He looked at it for a long time, but nothing happened. No one called or texted him. Had they forgotten about him now? Were they even happy that he was out of their way now? He knew that he probably was a bother to both Harvey and Donna now a days. He had fought with Harvey, and he had stayed at Donna's place for days. What if she wanted him to leave, but was too nice to say something?
It was turning dark again. It was his second night here now. He had a pretty bad headache and was thirsty, but he tried to not think about it. The battery on his phone was getting low so he had turned it off for now, no one called him anyway.
Suddenly he heard footsteps somewhere behind him. Immediately his heart sped up and his whole body tensed. He turned around where he was but didn't get up. But it wasn't Harvey and it wasn't the kidnappers. Instead it was an older man with glasses that Mike didn't recognize.
"Hello there." He said and stopped a few meters away from Mike on the footpath.
"Hi." Mike said. His voice was a bit hoarse. He saw how the man observed the gravestones in front of him and then looked back at Mike.
"I don't want to intrude. But I noticed you when I arrived, and you have been here quite long now. I just thought I should see how you were doing?"
Mike felt how something twisted inside him at the man's words. He sounded so kind. He had to fight with his tears.
"I'm… I'm…" He shrugged helplessly. He was sitting right there on the ground on a graveyard. It was hard to say that you were fine then.
"Is it your family?" The man asked after a while when Mike didn't continue.
Mike nodded. The man smiled sadly at him.
"My wife is over there. She died two months ago." He said and pointed behind him.
"I'm sorry." Mike said.
"Thank you. Is there something I can do to help you?" He asked.
For a second all Mike wanted to do was to say yes. Yes, he wanted help. But what could this man do for him? He couldn't ask for anything from him, so he shook his head.
"Are you sure? I can give you a lift somewhere if you like."
"Thank you." Mike got out. "But I don't have anywhere to go." His voice was shaking and now he wanted this man to go, it felt like he was going to lose it. "I'm fine." He added.
The man didn't look convinced at all. "Oh well…" He started searching his pockets then and pulled out something. Mike instinctively winced as he stepped closer.
"I'm sorry." The man said. "I just wanted to give you this."
He held out a chocolate bar towards Mike. He took it. "Thank you." He mumbled. He felt embarrassed now.
The man nodded a little and smiled again. Then he turned around and walked away down the hill. Mike looked after him and had a sudden urge to call him back. What was wrong with him? It was just that he was going to be here alone again now. He stared at the chocolate bar in his hand for a moment, before he opened it and ate it all at once. He had been hungry. The sweet taste helped a little. He felt a little bit better, at least for a while.
He clutched the paper of the chocolate bar hard in his hand. Somehow, he didn't want to let it go. It was that proof of that man's kind gesture and right now that was the only comfort he had. How could this have happened to him? How had he ended up here?
He didn't know what to do to take another step in any direction right now though. In some way it felt good to not have to decide. That was what he was doing right now. He was just going to stay by his family for now, and maybe later he would do something else.
A couple of hours passed. It was getting dark again and Mike didn't like that at all. He moved closer to the gravestones until he had his back against his dad's stone. He thought of the last time he had spoken to his dad. He had been angry then. He started to cry.
He wished intently that Harvey would come. He wished for it so much. But he wouldn't do that. Harvey didn't know where he was. Besides, Mike wasn't even sure that he even cared enough. What if Harvey really was angry at him?
He had screwed up after all. He had forgotten something that had been his job to know. His memory had failed him. Mike hated it, his damn brain. He remembered every second of the kidnapping but had forgotten the content of an important contract for work. Why was that?
He also remembered every single word that Harvey had said to him out in that hallway.
You are the one that cost me a million dollars.
It was the truth. He had cost Harvey a million dollars. It was a huge amount of money that Harvey still would have if it wasn't for him. It was all his fault. Harvey was angry at him for that, and for screwing up the case. Did they lose the case now? He had screwed up and then he had just bailed, not stayed to fix whatever he had done. Harvey must hate him.
He cried for a while about that as well. He was so exhausted that it just came, he couldn't fight against it. Besides, what was the point anyway.
He felt so scared, sad and upset now that it was no way that he could stop. Harvey hated him. He really hated him. Mike knew that ever since he got back, he had been acting stupid as well. He had been angry and rude at times. Why had he behaved like that? Everyone had been so nice to him after the kidnapping. It was just him that was so stupid for not being able to get past it. He didn't understand why he couldn't let it go. It was over.
But a gun had been held towards his face. They had kicked him, laughed at him. Kept him in the dark tied up like he was some dog. Like he wasn't a human being. The humiliation he felt for not being able to keep it together then. He had been so scared then. He had wished that it would end.
That man had cut his throat. He had been forced with a knife against his throat to stay still as he was molested. He had been sexually assaulted. He had. That was the truth. No one knew about that. Only him and that guy, that was still out there. That man had told him that it would be a next time. What if he would find him?
He hugged his arms around him as hard as he could. He didn't want to think about this. He wanted someone to come and help him now. He wanted Harvey to come and save him again. He needed to figure out a way for Harvey to forgive him. Harvey had to forgive him. Mike needed to fix it.
The main problem for Harvey seemed to be the money. All he had to do was to pay it back. He just needed to find a way to pay Harvey back the million dollar he had paid to get Mike back. He didn't have a million dollars. He sobbed a bit. What should he do?
Maybe he could take on a second job? Maybe they could make up some kind of plan. He could pay some each month. Would Harvey accept that? If he just paid it all back, then it would be okay. They could go back to like they were before, when Harvey wasn't angry at him. Harvey would forgive him, he had to.
He had to let Harvey know this new plan. As soon as he saw him, he needed to tell him. He couldn't stay here another night. He would die then, or something. He felt so scared here. It was dark and cold, and he wanted to leave. He couldn't bring himself to get up and walk around in the dark though. He just couldn't. He fumbled in his pocket for his phone. Maybe he could call Harvey and tell him right now, and maybe then Harvey could come and pick him up.
He pressed the button on the phone to turn it on. But it didn't work! Nothing happened. Mike tried again. Then once more, but nothing happened. The phone was dead. He started crying again then. Harder than before, because he was stuck here now.
He cried himself into an exhausted sleep.
It was still dark when he woke up again. He felt cold and immediately he felt how his heart sped up. What if someone was standing over there by the trees? What if the kidnappers came for him?
"Harvey?" He called out. Tears ran down his cheeks. He moaned a bit. He was so stupid. He pressed a hand over his mouth. Why would he call out like that? Harvey wasn't here. He was losing it or something. He felt himself shaking, he felt dizzy and warm as well. He forced his eyes closed. He needed to breathe.
He wished to be saved again. He wanted Harvey to find him now. He didn't care anymore that Harvey had told him those hurtful things, he didn't care anymore. He was so scared, and he just wished got it to be over. He wanted help.
He slept a few more hours. He was very hungry when he woke up again, but he didn't move. He was still alone. He needed to leave today. He needed to get something to eat. He wanted to lay down somewhere warm. Maybe he could go to Donna. He had trouble thinking clearly.
He slept a bit again. The sun rose. He still felt dizzy. Maybe that was because he hadn't eaten anything in a while. He didn't know how long he sat there, but at some point, he moved a bit further away from his dad's grave. He wanted to be able to see all of their graves.
It was hard to keep track of time. He wanted something to eat. Soon he would take the bus back to town. That would be fine. He needed to find Harvey so that he could tell him about the fact that he was going to pay him back for the ransom.
He felt so shaky. He didn't know what to do anymore. The thought of walking to the bus stop was starting to feel a bit too much. It was so far, and he was tired. He wished again that they would come and look for him. Or maybe that old man with the dead wife could come back and this time Mike would accept the ride from him.
He slept a little again. He felt a little better when he woke up. Not so dizzy at least. He thought that maybe he had a fever, he felt so sweaty. He needed to eat something too. He had been so stupid coming here. What was he even doing here? He looked at the gravestones. For an intense moment he hated his family members for being here and not alive and with him. Why did they have to die? He needed them!
He cried again and didn't bother to try and quell it. Why should he care anyway? No one was there. He was alone. He had never felt more alone than this. For a moment he thought about why he was even continuing with this. Nothing was going to get better. He wasn't going to feel better any time soon. What if Harvey and Donna didn't want anything to do with him? What if Harvey wouldn't accept his offer? But that wouldn't be fair. Why wouldn't Harvey even give him a chance?
His mind was so messed up.
Harvey had arrived shortly after that. He had heard his steps and somehow, he had known that it was Harvey. His first feeling that came to him then was anger, he didn't even know why.
Harvey had apologized to him, then asked to take him home. Mike didn't know why he refused. Then he had broken down. He had cried in front of Harvey; he hadn't been able to stop. Harvey had hugged him then. It had felt so good. It had felt like he was being rescued again. He had just cried.
Then they had talked, and things were going in the right direction. Until Harvey had touched him exactly where that man had touched him and in an instant, he was right back there on the concrete floor. He had recoiled and done everything he could to get away. Harvey asked him then. Asked him if they had touched him. His first instinct was to deny it, but then he hadn't.
They had talked again, he had cried, Harvey had helped. He had agreed to come home with Harvey. He had been so exhausted. He still was. They were in some restaurant now. He didn't even know where. Harvey had ordered for him.
There was a small garden outside the window next to him. He had a hard time taking his eyes away from it. It calmed him to look at it.
"The food is here Mike." Harvey said.
Mike slowly picked up the fork and knife and started eating. It barely tasted something, but he ate quickly, he was hungry. And it felt good to just focus on eating and nothing else. Eating would make him better.
Harvey didn't have much of an appetite at all. He regretted what he ordered; he should have taken something lighter. In front of him Mike ate like he never had seen food before, which wasn't that strange since the kid hadn't eaten in days. This time it had been voluntary, Mike had chosen to stay at the graveyard. Harvey didn't want to think of what might have happened if he hadn't found Mike.
"You want some more?" Harvey asked when Mike had gulfed down his portion, while Harvey only had finished half of his.
"No. I'd like to leave." Mike said. "You said that I could come to your place."
"Yeah, of course. Let's go Mike."
Harvey ignored the rest of his portion and steered Mike back towards the car after having paid.
They got in and Mike hugged his arms close to him in the seat.
"Are you cold?" Harvey asked. He told Ray to turn up the heat when Mike didn't answer.
They started driving in silence. Harvey felt worried. Mike didn't act like himself at all, not that he had been himself ever since the kidnapping, but this was different. Now it seemed like he wasn't even trying.
"We are going to your place, right? I don't need anything, so we don't have to go to my place. I don't want to go there. You said we would go to your place."
Mike just had to know. He felt so incredibly exhausted that he was planning on getting some sleep while they drove, but he needed to make sure that he didn't wake up outside his own apartment or something.
"Yes, we are going to my place Mike." Harvey reassured him. Good, that was good. He nodded. He then told Harvey that he was going to sleep a little. He was gone as soon as he leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
-SUITS-